The Provincial House Times

JOSIAH AYRES FIRED!

Mr. Ayres was fired from the ProHo News Channel on Monday; show to be replaced by picture of aquarium

Tony

While fearmongering and peddling baseless lies and conspiracy theories was good for the ratings, Josiah Ayres Tonight is no more, and the ProHo News Channel has terminated its relationship with the popular, but divisive, host. “We thank Josiah for his service. Now get the fuck out. End communication,” read the PHNC press release. Speculation is rampant, but anonymous sources say that the recent $69 billion lawsuit settlement, to appease the UM-System’s claims of defamation, is to blame.

Ayres has a history of making outlandish claims, such as “The Provincial House bathrooms aren’t that bad” and “Sodexo makes a nice salad bar.” But his recent claims have possibly proved a bridge too far. At issue are the following claims, all of which have been deemed by the courts to be utterly false and without basis:

1. The UM-System cares about trans students

The geese on campus are

2. President Mun Choi views UMSL as a full partner in the UM-System

3. Ed is a pretty good dean

Announcing new Pro Ho Delivery! If you know what we mean

You’ve tried Door Dash! You’ve ordered from Uber Eats! You have robbed Domino’s drivers of their $20 in cash. And you use InstaCart to have all of your booze, condoms, and asparagus delivered right to your door. Now download the new Pro Ho Delivery app and have fresh, hot, hoes delivered straight to your door too!

“Hey, I know that I ruffle some feathers, but I love the UM-System and Provincial House. If that’s wrong, then sue me. Oh, uh, wait…” said Ayres when reached for comment on his termination. Rumors that he treats female employees of PHNC with respect and dignity are as yet unconfirmed.

Steven, $2000 Megan, $300 Garden, $19.99 Free mifepristone with your first order! Hurry! Supplies are limited. If you know what we mean.