Sydney’s Brain Stew Horrorscope

Special Edition: Sydney Stark’s life after college

In honor of BS editor (and horoscope writer) Sydney Stark’s impending graduation, we have consulted over two dozen astronomers to bring you these predictions about the rest of her life. However, all of them said that we didn’t know the difference between astronomy and astrology and need to leave them the fuck alone. So, we gazed into a crystal ball (i.e. big pile of crystal meth), snorted it, and Sydney’s future came to us in a vision… Then our apartment got cleaned real good!

May 13, 2023 – on stage at graduation, SGA prez Sydney keeps telling Ed that people are in Honors and he needs to shake their hands; however none of them are in Honors and they all think Ed is fucking weird.

May 14, 2023 – Sydney gets pregnant in honor of Mother’s Day.

October 9, 2023 – Sydney has an abortion in honor of Columbus Day. Her baby daddy is Native American. And not happy.

October 18, 2023 – Sydney develops hemorrhoids.

December 25, 2023 – Sydney gives her mother a really crappy Christmas present.

March 12, 2027 – Sydney and her former conjoined twin get into the Guinness Book of World Records as the first twins to be reconnected. However, they are not reconnected properly and end up with only one butthole. It is Sydney’s butthole, including the hemorrhoids.

April 17, 2029 – Sydney eats the best bologna sandwich of her life. And can’t STFU about it.

November 8, 2031 – after a lengthy and successful career in law, Sydney is disbarred. It turns out that she forgot to go to law school. Or take the bar exam. Somehow no one noticed.

October 2, 2033 – from 1:01-1:02am, Sydney has the worst sex of her life. And tells no one, ever. Go ahead, on October 2 at 1:03am or later, just ask her. She will act confused. But you’ll know the truth.

Smarch 16, 200033 – Sydney misses a meeting at work because of a misprinted calendar that she bought at a dollar store.

June 28, 2037 – Sydney realizes for the first time that the Bee Gees’ song “Staying Alive” is not “Stay in a Hive,” as she has been singing her whole life. “WTF?” she says. “I thought the band was about bees.”

July 11, 2041 – Sydney drinks milk straight from the jug instead of pouring it into a glass.

September 3, 2044 – Sydney leaves the Brain Stew reunion in tears after losing the annual BS wet tshirt contest to Kenny. Again.

September 28-30, 2049 – Sydney finally binges all of The Sopranos. Meh.

December 25, 2051 – Sydney saves Christmas!

December 25, 2052 – well, let’s just say Sydney does not save Christmas.

February 27, 2055 – Sydney buys UMSL Chancellor Audri Adams a really nice retirement present.

March 23, 2056 – Sydney finally has her superfluous third nipple removed. However, the superfluous fourth, fifth, and sixth nipples are left alone. The seventh nipple is not superfluous.

November 5, 2056 – Sydney votes in her first ever presidential election! She is proud to support RobotTrump’s 11th consecutive term. He is much less racist than his opponent, Josh Hawley Jr.

June 1, 2061 – Sydney marries her 8th husband, Senator Mike Moon’s great great great great grandson, who is 11. “Yee haw!” exclaims the Senator, before saying “oh, wait, I be dead, ain’t I?”

August 17, 2061 – Sydney finally quits smoking.

August 18, 2061 – “Well, that was stupid,” says Sydney, exhaling a plume of smoke and smiling.

April 20, 2069 – Sydney dies in a cranberry silo explosion.

April 28, 2069 – Dan Gerth farts in the middle of her eulogy.