Listening to Kanye albums! Nein to watching 21 Jumpstreet! Whatever that is.
Driving fast! Beep beep! Also, getting filled with E85! I love corn! Corn corn corn corn!
What are you doing for summer vacation?
Letting people who put a quarter in me buy delicious fruits, vegetables, and grains. No meat!
Punching Dan Gerth in the face. Again.
Also, if he tells me once more that I’m not a real vegan because my car drinks liquified dinosaur meat, I will also stab him. Stab stab stab stab!
Nazi Audri Adams
Audi Adams
Aldi Adams
Audri Adams
What Does Your Prescription Say About You???
Adderall/Concerta: Are you really taking this to be “focused” in class, or did you just get diagnosed with ADHD at a young age and now sell it to be able to buy 3 energy drinks a day?
Zoloft: Okay you numb B!tch, hit my line tho, yo cute ass
Prozac: AWWWWW this is their first time being mentally ill!! Don’t you feel so silly lol <3
Lexapro: pls for the love of all that is well, take your meds CONSTANTLY
Lithium: make sure this is being controlled by someone other than you, and be honest with your therapist this will not be solved alone, DON’T. DRINK.
Trazadone: Is this your definition of a chill pill? Feeling like this? Also, why is your bottle half empty, you got this prescription 3 days ago??
Xanax: Honestly, pass me one of them big boys. You’re right.
Birth Control: Ur better than me, I can admit that.
Sydney’s Brain Stew Horrorscope
Special Edition: Sydney Stark’s life after college
In honor of BS editor (and horoscope writer) Sydney Stark’s impending graduation, we have consulted over two dozen astronomers to bring you these predictions about the rest of her life. However, all of them said that we didn’t know the difference between astronomy and astrology and need to leave them the fuck alone. So, we gazed into a crystal ball (i.e. big pile of crystal meth), snorted it, and Sydney’s future came to us in a vision… Then our apartment got cleaned real good!
May 13, 2023 – on stage at graduation, SGA prez Sydney keeps telling Ed that people are in Honors and he needs to shake their hands; however none of them are in Honors and they all think Ed is fucking weird.
May 14, 2023 – Sydney gets pregnant in honor of Mother’s Day.
October 9, 2023 – Sydney has an abortion in honor of Columbus Day. Her baby daddy is Native American. And not happy.
October 18, 2023 – Sydney develops hemorrhoids.
December 25, 2023 – Sydney gives her mother a really crappy Christmas present.
March 12, 2027 – Sydney and her former conjoined twin get into the Guinness Book of World Records as the first twins to be reconnected. However, they are not reconnected properly and end up with only one butthole. It is Sydney’s butthole, including the hemorrhoids.
April 17, 2029 – Sydney eats the best bologna sandwich of her life. And can’t STFU about it.
November 8, 2031 – after a lengthy and successful career in law, Sydney is disbarred. It turns out that she forgot to go to law school. Or take the bar exam. Somehow no one noticed.
October 2, 2033 – from 1:01-1:02am, Sydney has the worst sex of her life. And tells no one, ever. Go ahead, on October 2 at 1:03am or later, just ask her. She will act confused. But you’ll know the truth.
Smarch 16, 200033 – Sydney misses a meeting at work because of a misprinted calendar that she bought at a dollar store.
June 28, 2037 – Sydney realizes for the first time that the Bee Gees’ song “Staying Alive” is not “Stay in a Hive,” as she has been singing her whole life. “WTF?” she says. “I thought the band was about bees.”
July 11, 2041 – Sydney drinks milk straight from the jug instead of pouring it into a glass.
September 3, 2044 – Sydney leaves the Brain Stew reunion in tears after losing the annual BS wet tshirt contest to Kenny. Again.
September 28-30, 2049 – Sydney finally binges all of The Sopranos. Meh.
December 25, 2051 – Sydney saves Christmas!
December 25, 2052 – well, let’s just say Sydney does not save Christmas.
February 27, 2055 – Sydney buys UMSL Chancellor Audri Adams a really nice retirement present.
March 23, 2056 – Sydney finally has her superfluous third nipple removed. However, the superfluous fourth, fifth, and sixth nipples are left alone. The seventh nipple is not superfluous.
November 5, 2056 – Sydney votes in her first ever presidential election! She is proud to support RobotTrump’s 11th consecutive term. He is much less racist than his opponent, Josh Hawley Jr.
June 1, 2061 – Sydney marries her 8th husband, Senator Mike Moon’s great great great great grandson, who is 11. “Yee haw!” exclaims the Senator, before saying “oh, wait, I be dead, ain’t I?”
August 17, 2061 – Sydney finally quits smoking.
August 18, 2061 – “Well, that was stupid,” says Sydney, exhaling a plume of smoke and smiling.
April 20, 2069 – Sydney dies in a cranberry silo explosion.
April 28, 2069 – Dan Gerth farts in the middle of her eulogy.
HAPPY GRADUATION, SYDNEY!
Memes that make me need to snort more coke!
Stray Humans Rescue inc.
Adoption Info: Dan Gerth
Age: 69 months
Enjoys: long walks on the beach, mommy, and Four Lokos in his bottle.
Adoption Fee: $0.08
Dan has been at the rescue since 4/20. He was brought to the shelter by one of our staff members who saved him from being euthanized at another shelter. Dan is a good rescue human, but would prefer to be the only person in his household. He did not socialize well with other humans and did not pass the overall temperament test to be considered "friendly." With some cigarettes, head scratches, and feet pics, Dan will be your new best friend!
To learn more about adopting Dan, fill out an adoption application on our website.
www.strayhumansrescure.com
Zeni's Goes to one of Those Photoshoot places and Rates it.
Zeni is an influencer on his journey to become a star. He hopes to one hit 1,000,000 subscribers on his Youtube channel.
A new trend has came up of influencers going to these neat pop-up photoshoot areas. He has seen his favorite influencers go to them and wanted to try it out himself!
After his visit, Zeni ultimately gave this studio an 8/10. He concthat it was a fun experience and that he looks good in everything, but the price was not worth it.
The Provincial House Times
JOSIAH AYRES FIRED!
Mr. Ayres was fired from the ProHo News Channel on Monday; show to be replaced by picture of aquarium
Tony
While fearmongering and peddling baseless lies and conspiracy theories was good for the ratings, Josiah Ayres Tonight is no more, and the ProHo News Channel has terminated its relationship with the popular, but divisive, host. “We thank Josiah for his service. Now get the fuck out. End communication,” read the PHNC press release. Speculation is rampant, but anonymous sources say that the recent $69 billion lawsuit settlement, to appease the UM-System’s claims of defamation, is to blame.
Ayres has a history of making outlandish claims, such as “The Provincial House bathrooms aren’t that bad” and “Sodexo makes a nice salad bar.” But his recent claims have possibly proved a bridge too far. At issue are the following claims, all of which have been deemed by the courts to be utterly false and without basis:
1. The UM-System cares about trans students
The geese on campus are
2. President Mun Choi views UMSL as a full partner in the UM-System
3. Ed is a pretty good dean
Announcing new Pro Ho Delivery! If you know what we mean
You’ve tried Door Dash! You’ve ordered from Uber Eats! You have robbed Domino’s drivers of their $20 in cash. And you use InstaCart to have all of your booze, condoms, and asparagus delivered right to your door. Now download the new Pro Ho Delivery app and have fresh, hot, hoes delivered straight to your door too!
“Hey, I know that I ruffle some feathers, but I love the UM-System and Provincial House. If that’s wrong, then sue me. Oh, uh, wait…” said Ayres when reached for comment on his termination. Rumors that he treats female employees of PHNC with respect and dignity are as yet unconfirmed.
Steven, $2000 Megan, $300 Garden, $19.99 Free mifepristone with your first order! Hurry! Supplies are limited. If you know what we mean.
“All the News, Whether it’s Fit to Print or Not!” May 5, 2023 LATE EDITION TODAY: FDA approves new drug to treat penis breath. COST: $4.20
Mr. Ayres, seen above at the premier of his highly and contentiously edited documentary “Provincial House Is Clean and Well-Kept.”
The following is a paid advertisement and is in no way affiliated with the Provincial House Times.
Alex Entwistle elected Fuhrer of the Pierre Laclede Hitler College Student Association for an unprecedented third term!
Nora Stith elected treasurer!
I don’t really have a favorite. However, GOAT is definitely the worst. Leave the Baa Baa’s out of this! Most of the people who are called the G**T are an insult to the entire species. This year, I’ve made it my priority to stand up against animal appropriation. In fact, would you mind signing the petition I made to ban the word on campus?
What’s your favorite Gen Z slang word?
I usually prefer using more sophisticated language, but sometimes, the only word that truly articulates what I’m feeling is “slay.”
I recently heard “mid” be used in one of my classes. I loved it so much that it’s the only feedback I’ve been giving my students this semester. What are they going to do? Fire me?
