Dear Honors Students,
Welcome back to another semester at the University of Missouri-St. Louis. We are excited to have you with us on campus, and we look forward to another exciting year at UMSL! As we progress into the semester, the Division of Student Affairs wants to ensure you are aware of University policies regarding cannabis possession and use on University property.
As many of you already know, Missouri voters passed Missouri Amendment 3 in November 2022, legalizing the use of marijuana for recreational purposes by adults age 21 and over and permitting Missouri residents to apply for registration cards to grow a limited amount of their own plants at home. The amendment also allowed for the automatic expungement of certain non-violent marijuana offenses from criminal records.
While the amendment has begun to shift societal norms outside the campus community, University of MissouriSt. Louis students attending classes, events, or activities on campus or living in Oak Hall or University Meadows are still expected to follow University rules and guidelines. It is recommended that all students familiarize themselves with the University’s Drug-Free policy, Smoke-and Tobacco-Free policy, and University of Missouri Code of Conduct, which outlines the responsibilities of students to “demonstrate responsibility for their actions” and “observe University rules and policies.”
As has been the standard procedure in the past, students who violate these policies and are found in possession or under the influence of controlled substances are subject to disciplinary action, ranging from a warning to suspension or even expulsion. Additionally, while the new law allows for the growing of cannabis plants at home under specific guidelines, no such plants grown for personal use are allowed on any University property. All members of our University community are responsible for encouraging compliance with these policies.
If you, or someone you know, is interested in reducing or stopping use of marijuana or cannabis products, the University has resources available to you, including confidential counseling through Counseling Services, substance abuse consultation, and Health Services. Access these services by using the secure health portal with your SSO and password or calling 314-516-5711.
We appreciate your awareness and compliance with this issue in support of protecting the health of our entire community.
Sincerely,
Dan
Weed!!!!! Wooooooo! I weed! 10/10 would recommend. Weed, weed, weed, weed, weed, weed, weed, weed!
PS.
I was never the type to have ANY interest in vegetables growing up. As I became an adult my tastebuds truly did change because now, I LOVE a good healthy meal. It's not like I was forced to eat anything like broccoli or carrots at all. My parents didn't like anything healthy. It's literally like I woke up one day and thought, " hmmm I could go for some nice cauliflower rice."
This is a serious question. I don't know who I am anymore.
Think you have a lot in common with the Honors College’s senior academic advisor and success coach Audri Adams?
Take this BrainStewquiz to find out exactly how Audri you really are! The results may surprise you!
Question 1: Are you Team Dog or Team Cat?
A. Teamhund! B. Why not buy both cat anddog food? I can help you with affordable options? C. Beep beep! But also, dogs. They love riding in the car! D. Team dog, but gosh, I really don’t want any pets.
E. THIS IS WRONG! THE TEAMS ARE INNOCENT ANIMALSAND ANIMALEXPLOITERS! Sadly, until I can purchase a car that does not measure itself in the degrading cultural appropriation of “horse power,” I too am on Team Animal Exploiters. But someday….F. Moo! G. Team Cat
Question 2: Are you Team Coffee or Tea?
A. Tee mit milch!
B. Why not buy both coffee and tea? I can help you with affordable options!
C. Beep beep! Cup holders don’t cost extra? There’s room for each!
D. Tea! Coffee is nasty. Hot tea and iced tea (fresh brewed only, of course), then fountain Pepsi, then diet Pepsi but in cans only (fountain diet, yuck!). No water! No sweet tea!
E. THIS IS WRONG! EVERY PIECE OF LAND USED TO FARM COFFE BEANS AND TEA LEAVES TAKES AWAY GRAZING LAND FROM THE ANIMALS! I will drink tea, but only from wild leaves that have not been planted or harvested by disgusting human hands.
F. Moo! G. Team Juice Box.
Question 3: Oppenheimeror Barbie?
A. Kein Oppenheimer! Oppenheimer ist der Teufel! B. Bild-Lilli! She counts, right? C. Beep beep! Vroom vroom! Let’s go to both! On separate days, though.
D. Oh gosh, Oppenheimeris so good but I was so tired. Don’t tell Rob! E. EVERY MOMENT WATCHING “MOVIES” IS A MOMENT WASTED PROTECTING THE MOO-VIES. And by moo-vies, I mean moo moos. And by moo moos, I mean I KILL YOU SCUM! F. Moo! G. Thor:Ragnarok.
Question 4: How hot is Timothee Chalamet?
A. Oh, scheiß auf die franzosen! deGaulle ist dreckig schwul! B. If he has a quarter for my slot, he is very hot. But I don’t take Euros! Oh wait, I do. C. Beep beep! Boo boo! He drives a Chevy Tahoe! D. He is so hot that, shoot, I have to go see that awful looking Willy Wonka movie! And bring a blanket and slippers because movie theaters are too cold! Even with hot Timmy on screen! E. NOT HOT AT ALL! HE LIVED AS A CORPSE EATER FOR TOO MANY YEARS BEFORE GOING VEGAN! Babies are naturally vegan. And by age three, you have enough autonomy to make moral choices, even if your parents are worse than Hitler. F. Moo! G. I have told you time and time again: No twinks!
HowAudriAreYou?
Question 5: Why do cows have hooves rather than feet?
A. Ich weiß nicht B. I don’t know! C. Beep beep! I don’t know! D. Because they lactose! Get it? Lacktoes? Get it? Lol! Also, I wish I had hooves. Toenails are a pain! E. COWS DO NOT LACK FEET! HUMANS LACK HOOVES! F. Moo! G. Whatever that chick with the mean eyebrows said.
Question 6: Who is your favorite PLHC faculty member?
A. Christoph B. Dan thinks it’s him because he doesn’t take his quarter back, but really, it’s Christoph C. Christoph D. Darn! Uh, who is going to read this? Can I say my aunt? She’s a teacher! Really, she is! E. I HATE ALL OF THOSE CORPSE EATERS! But at least Kim Baldus does not have enslaved animals in her house! F. Moo! G. Kate Votaw
Question 7: Who is your favorite rock band?
A. Kraftwerk B. Kraftwerk C. Kraftwerk D. The 1975! E. Vegan artists include Billie Eilish, Jay Z, Beyonce, Moby, Stevie Wonder, Leona Lewis, A$AP Rocky, Travis Barker, Brian May, Morrissey, Madonna, Chokeules, Will.i.Am, Ariana Grande, Mýa, SIA, Paul McCartney, Architects, Rise Against, Anti-Flag, The Fixx, FKA Twigs, and Vince Staples. BUT UNTIL ONE OF THEM BOMBS A TYSON CHICKEN PROCESSING PLANT, NO ONE! F. Moo! G. Harry Styles
Question 8: What is your favorite film?
A. Leni Riehfenstahl’s TriumphdesWillensderMuhMuh! B. Aldi - MutterallerDiscounter! It’s an excellent documentary from 2009…about me! ☺ C. E.T.TheExtra-terrestrial! It’s the first movie I was ever in! Yay! D. Woody Allen’s ARainyDayinNewYork…uh, I mean LittleWomen E. Howard Hawks’ ElDorado(1968). JOHN WAYNE FALLS OFF HIS HORSE! LMFAO! F**k you, John Wayne! By the horse you rode in on! F. Moo! G. Thor:Ragnarok
Question 9: What is your favorite book?
A. MeinKampfGegendasMuhMuh! Von mir! B. BareEssentials:TheAldiStory C. Audi RS:History,Models,Technology D. The TigerBeatspecial issue on Timothee Chalamet! Uh, unless Dan asks, then it’s Emile Zola’s Nana. E. MeatIsforPussies.By John Joseph. BUT ONLY IN ORAL TRADITION! DO NOT KILL TREES OR BURN COAL (ELECTRICITY IS HOW THOMAS EDISON KILLED ELEPHANTS!) TO READ BOOKS! F. Moo! G. Thor:Ragnarok:TheNovelization.
Question 10: What is your favorite food?
A. Gemüsesuppe,salzkartoffelnundsalat! B. I have seven new soups in time for fall! Pumpkin maple is to die for! C. Do not eat soup while driving, please.
D. Bag of lettuce! E. I ONLY EAT GRASS FROM THE YARD! AND NOT IF AN ANIMAL POOPED THERE! NOT BECAUSE IT’S GROSS, BUT BECAUSE IT IS WRONG TO USE ANIMALS! ALSO, IF BUGS TOUCH YOUR GRASS, YOU CAN’T EAT IT EITHER! BUGS ARE BETTER THAN PEOPLE! F. Moo! G. Lunchables.
So… how Audri are YOU?
Mostly A’s: You are most like …NAZI AUDRI!
Congratulations on being Ed’s favorite Audri. So, who is Nazi Audri? Nazi Audri is the author of such books as MyStruggle withtheMooMoos; also a life long vegetarian who loves soup, boiled potatoes, and cabbage; and a dog lover. You probably have no idea why cows have hooves rather than feet and likely really dig Kraftwerk.
Mostly B’s: You are most like… ALDI ADAMS! You don’t like over-paying for foods and can spot an unexpected vegan section in a grocery store a mile away. You also have a granny-style coin purse in your car for the quarters that those carts need! You’d love to own a BildLilli, if they weren’t so expensive, unlike the food at Aldi’s!
Mostly C’s: You are most like… AUDI ADAMS! Of course, like your other German Audri’s (Nazi and Aldi), you love Kraftwerk. But you also don’t understand why Reese’s Pieces are famous in E.T.but Audis are not, even though it’s the first ever movie to feature an Audi.
Mostly D’s: You are most like… CLASSIC AUDRI! You love The 1975, almost as much as you love geometry, especially rectangles. You think Timmy is a super fox and bring blankets to the movies. You are a vegan but not preachy – unless it comes to fountain drinks. Like Audi Adams, you have a granny coin purse in your car. But don’t let people call you Stereotypical Audri! You are ClassicAudri.
Mostly F’s: You are most like…
Mostly E’s: You are most like… CHE AUDRI! And you will cut a bitch. Veganism is serious business, and you have no room in your life for poseurs. That meat lab that Mizzou got $20 million for?
BLOW THAT SHIT UP! The revolution has begun!!!!!
THE MAN IN THE MOO! While Man in the Moo has only made two appearances in BrainStewso far, we all know that moo moo moo moo moo moo! Plus, moo! And by the way, moo! Moo moo moo? Yes, you do probably have udders
Mostly G’s: You are not an Audri! You are a Jenna! And that’s awesome, but why are you taking this quiz? You like the MCU, meat (especially in dinosaur shapes), juice boxes, and muscles that are inversely the size of testicles due to steroid usage. But that’s okay, as testicles are gross. Very very gross.
Be sure to take our next quiz in Brain Stew#3! What breed of Ed are you?
Sudoku
level: Medium
Dear STAN GERTH
Your Premiere Source for Life Advice from the Voice of a Generation
What’s up, lizard brains?! It’s the good Dr. Stan Gerth, identical twin and lifelong roommate of Dan “the D-Man” Gerth, and I’m here to give you advice because life can be the shits. It’s no secret how beloved the D-Man is amongst you students (he never shuts up about it at home); so you’re in luck, because I’m just as kewl as him! Yep, me and the D-Man are just a couple cool, far-right extremist, 61-year-olds, exactly the same in every way (appearance, smell, number of toes), except I’m medically rotten on the inside from aggressive stomach mold caused by years of reusing the same bong water. However, I gave myself a full body-bleaching, and it was mostly a great success! I’m still secreting bleach everywhere, yo (my summer wardrobe is ruined!! ����), but I’m 100% mold-free, 90% hallucination-free, and my tighty whities have never been whiter. And while I’m resting up, me and D-Man are still rooming together on our Great-Uncky Quebert’s 300-acre fertilizer/organized crime farm, where we sell poop and do bad things. We have more variety of poop than anyone you know, and in the evenings, we host nightly Kumite fighting tournaments, like in “Bloodsport”. They’re a blast to watch, plus I get to use my Doctor skillz to help euthanize the losers, which is why I studied medicine in the first place. But enough about me. You got da questions, so *wicka wicka* Doc G (that’s me!) got da answers. Let’s rap! Compadres-4-Lyfe.
Dear STAN GERTH,
My father is upset I’m studying nursing, and not practicing law like he did. When I tell him my reasons for nursing, he lambasts me with outdated rationale, and his inability to hear me makes me mad. Then he goes “Sam, calm down”, which makes me madder. How can I stay calm when he’s constantly disregarding my choices? How would you suggest changing his mind?
Dear Compadre,
I highly disregard the entire Obama family for all the stuff (but especially when they started that children’s circus ring in those Donut Huts, or when they injected the National Water Reserves with dial-up internet from the ‘90s), but I did like when Barack’s wife said “when they go low, we go high”, which took me accidentally getting high off fertilizer fumes to fully understand, yo. What Barack’s wife means is when daddy acts immature, you act mature, yo. Actually, your daddy had the same negative response my daddy did after I told him I planned to dual-major in Assisted Suicide and Rhymology, like my heroes Doctors Kevorkian and Dre. The first thing I had to realize is that daddy is his own person, and while you can help daddy understand your position through healthy communication, you can’t expect to change how he’ll react to your announcement. So plan for that in your approach. With me and my daddy, I kept a calm demeanor, I gave him space to feel and say what he wanted to, addressed his concerns, and was able to concisely convey why my life choices mattered to me. I reminded daddy I loved and appreciated him, but it was time for me to find my own way. And when the dust settled, we hugged, and I felt like daddy finally saw me as an adult. But I couldn’t get there without help — I went to trusted sources for advice, like Gran Gerth, because she knows daddy better than anyone.
I also sought out therapy both regular and fertilizer therapy. And talking about daddy while accidentally high on poop fumes made me realize you can’t change adults, but you can still reach them through mature communication; and I never would’ve gotten there without help. So here’s a *wicka wicka* wicked rap to help you learn the importance of processing through those complicated feelings to reach mental clarity yo.
(To the tune of “Me So Honey” by 2 LIVE CREW)
Reflecting at home can be critical
But it best if you have someone in your phonebook to call Pick up the telephone and dial the seven digits
Say, yo I need some help, are you down with it?
I suggest you discuss how he communicates
Cuz having an idea of what your daddy will say Will keep you calm and concise, an even keeled talker
Instead of getting upset. Don’t be a balker
Oh, I am so calm
Oh , oh I am so calm
Oh, I am so calm
I’m calm and concise
Okay, that’s enough free rap for you guys. I didn’t take out 7 years of Rap College loans to give my rhymes away like charity. In summation, act like an adult if you wanna be treated like one. And if daddy can respect that and look past his own judgments, then we’ve made progress. But if not, here’s a simple 4-Step Process on how I recommend further reaching daddy through love, understanding, and compassion.
1. Get your daddy addicted to bath salts.
• I’ve replaced my loved ones’ table salt with fine ground bath salt with much success.
2. Call daddy’s employer from a payphone, say you’re an anonymous neighbor, and tell them you've seen daddy all over town, chomping away at bath bombs like they’re apples.
• Use a fake voice, too. It’s fun.
3. Fired and confused, now is the time to turn the table around on daddy. Start by giving him career advice, then act judgmental when he disagrees, remind him that he earns no income, and make everything you suggest sound easy.
• With the tables turned, daddy will see the error of his ways, and be sorry he ever doubted you.
4. Tacos!!!
• Then you graduate from college, move away, and send daddy a birthday card 2 weeks late every year, and blame the lateness on USPS.
Until next time, Dr. STANIEL GERTH ———————————————
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Dan Gerth (left), Stan Gerth (right)
Drs. Kevorkian (left), and Dre (right)
