Absolutelynot.Animalsnot havingsuffrageistheheightof speciesism.Why2/3ofthe stateshavenotyetratifiedthe EMA(EqualMooMoos Amendment)isbeyondme. Rotinhell,PhyllisSchlafly! Andstopusingeaglesasyour
F***yeah!27times!I mean,onlythefirstone counted.Andatthe27th pollingplace,Igotarrested. Iheardvoterfraudwas rampantandeasy,especially forradical,pinkoslikeme. Guessnot.Also,EdandKim, I’mnotgoingtobeinclass forawhile.Apparentlythe HonorsCollegecreditcard doesn’tworkforcashbail.
Didyouvotein
themid-term elections?
AudriAdams
QueenoftheMooMoos
DanGerth Wino
ChristophSchiessl German Nein!Ishallnotbevotinguntil AngelaMerkelcomesoutof retirement.(Snifflesniffle,sobsob).I missyou,Angie!Thefatherland needsyou!
NancyGleason
Retiree Yes,butonlytoretainallofthe judges.Theyworksohard!
KanyeWest Asshole Uh,isitvotersuppressionifIforgotto register?Also,whatthatblondchick withtheeyebrowssaid. AngelaMerkel Leaderofthe freeworld, 2016-2020 Imissyoutoo, Christoph!
NaziAudri Nazi MachmirkeineVorwürfe.Ichhabe Hitlergewählt!
BuymyPoetryChapbook! ordon’tyouknowwhatever Iwroteandpublishedachapbookofpoetry!Think that’swild?SodoI! Thingsthatmightinterestyouaboutthispoetrybook ofmine: ●Iwroteitover3-4years(mostofmycollege career) ●peerreviewedbyseveralpeople-anactuallyIndie publisherpublishedit ●themesinclude:tryingtofindyourselfthrough lovingotherpeople,learningyoucan’tdothat, findingyourselfeventually,romanceandbreakups ingeneral,overthinking,fantasizingaboutwhat couldhavebeen,andsomuchmore! Ifthisbookseemslikeit’supyouralley,please checkitout!Andthentellmewhatyouthinkaboutit onmostplatformsbytaggingme@artsietango!There aredigitaldownloadsfor$3.50ifyou’drathernot payforaphysicalcopy+shipping,butalsoBottlecap Pressisalwaysdroppingsalesontheirbooks.
RatingOld Apps/Games
CuttheRope
CuttheRopeisdefinitelyaclassic. Whenyougotyourfirstsmart deviceCuttheRopehadtobeone ofthefirstgames.Ithadagood aesthetic,andacuteplot.Theonly problemisthatitcanbealittle repetitive.9/10
WorldofGoo
Inmyeyeswhenthisgamefirst cameout,itwasoneofthehardest gamestoplay.AlthoughIusually justwatchedmysiblingsplaythis, becauseIcouldn'tgetpastthefirst task,Ithinkthisgamewasaheadof itstime.9.9/10
MyVirtualFishTank
Thisgamewouldnotbeasbadas itisifitwasn'tjustablatantripoff ofBratzFishTank.Thisgamewas soboringithadnothingthatmade itspecial.2/10
WORLDWARMIZZOU:UNIVERSITYOF MISSOURI-COLUMBIASTUDENTSFLY PASSENGERPLANEINTOSSBTOWER!!!
Forthefirsttimeinmodernhistory,the UniversityofMissouri-SaintLouisisnot committingthecontroversy,butinstead,a victim.LatelastFridaynight,agroupofdrunk Mizzoustudents(accompaniedbyTrumanthe Tiger,MizzoumascotandColumbia’sfavorite pissbaby)hi-jackedaplaneanddecidedthatit washightimethepoor,beaten,redheaded stepchildrenoftheUMSystempayfortheirsins. Whatsinsarethose,youmightask?Existing. Anyhow,agroupofboredcollegestudentsand TrumantheTigerheadedtothelocallanding strip.Thepilotwasdrunkandpassedout,so theytiedhimtoachairintheplaneandforced himtowatchMizzoufootballfootage-afate worsethandeath.
Afterabrieftimeintheair,thestudents locatedtheshiningjewelofNormandy.They swiftlylandedtheplaneinthesideofthe building.Luckily,therewasnooneinside,but thedamagedonetotheSSBtowercannotbe quantifiedproperly.Manyofficesweredestroyed intheattack,mostofwhichwerebeingusedto conductveryimportantuniversityresearch. Whenaskedwhatresearchwasdestroyed, ChancellorSobolikpunchedmeinthefaceand toldmetomindmygoddamnbusiness. However,rumorhasitthatDanGerth,local crackpot,wasusingtheofficespacetoattempt andunlockthequantumrealmusingonly psychedelicsandpliers.
TheundergradspassedoutintheQuad shortlythereafter,butTrumantheTiger’snight wasonlybeginning.Hemusteredthefastest sprinthecouldmanageandheadedstraightto theMarkTwainbasement,whereLouiethe Tritoniskeptinchainsinbetweenhispublic appearances.WhyTrumantheTigerfeltthe needtoseekhimoutisbetweenthetwoofthem, butmanyoncampusspeculatethatthereare unsettledcasinodebtsandtreacherousstripper mistressesinvolved.
TrumaneventuallylocatedLouieinthe labyrinthsofMarkTwainandgotbusy.Lead pipesandpisswereinvolved.Afterfifteenbrutal minutes,Louieeventuallyalertedthenight janitoronduty.Trumanfledintothenight, howlingawayandbarkingatlocalchildren.
ChancellorMunnChoiwouldn’treturnour calls(asusual),butI’msurehewouldhavejust toldUMSLofficialsthey“lookedattheTiger wrong”,andthatwehaditcoming.Andalso, that“ourtowerwasf*ckingugly,anyways.”
TheProvincialHouseTimes “AlltheNews, Whetherit’sFitto PrintorNot!” NoNutNovember202(2?) LATEEDITION Mizzousucksbutdaddy chancellorchoiwon’tgiveus money. COST:$4.20
PICTURED:TrumantheTigerwreaksabsolutehavoc,domesticterrorismstyle.
PICTURED:Settlingscores,theold-fashionedway.Louieisaxenomorph,andluckilyregenerated.Goodthingthey didn’taimtheplaneathim.
J-Wow:Welcome,triviafans,toaspecialcelebrityeditionofAreYouSmarterThanthe Professors?I’myourhost,Jenna“J-Wow”Haddock.Andnowourcontestants! RepresentingtheProfessors,wehaveAudriAdams,instructorforBellerive,andher opponentisourCelebrity,KanyeWest. Kanye:Uh,no.ThenameisYe.Likeinthesong“OCome,AllYeFaithful.”Thatsongwas writtenaboutme,Ye. J-Wow:I’mverysorry,Ye.Thatisverydisrespectfulofme.Iwilluseyourcorrectname,and Ionlyhopethatthemediaintheaudience,specificallythosewithpresscredentialsmarked BrainStewwilldothesame.Okay!It’stimeforourfirstround… BUZZ!!! YeKanye:TheJew! J-Wow:Uh,um,no.Since thatisincorrect,Audri getsachancetosteal Audri:Uh,no.ThenameisPrincessRoo-ola-alua.ThattitlewasgiventomewhenIlivedfor3yearsamongthe kangaroosintheAustralianOutback,helpingprotectingthemfromhunters.Andasakangaruman,Iproudlycan saythatmykangarookinandIallhavetailssostrongthatwecanstandonthem.WealsocarryveganM&M’sin ourpouches.Wantsome? J-Wow:Uh,no.Butthatisthecorrectanswer!Audri,ImeanPrincessRoosomething,isleadingKanye,Imean Ye,byascoreof1-0. BUZZ!!! YeKanye:TheJew! J-Wow:Uh,um,no. Kanye:Sorry,whatis“theJewBear?” J-Wow:Uh,stillno.Sincethatisincorrect,PrincessRoogetsachancetosteal Audri:Uh,no.ThenameisShe-BearofRa-Endor,PrincessoftheSacredHoneyCastle.Yousee,that’sthe nametheygavemeduringthe5yearsIlivedamongthegrizzlies,teachingthemtomakeveganhoneyandlive inpeaceamongthebees.Andyes,I–likeallgrizzlybears–canbitethroughabowlingball. J-Wow:It’sbarelypossible!Hahahahahaha!Andcorrect. She-BearofRa-Endor,PrincessoftheSacredHoneyCastle:Idonotthinkthatisfunny.Noanimalshallbethesubjectofmirthmakingonmywatch.Yourecantnow,whitedevilwoman! J-Wow:I’msorry!I’msorry!Itakeitback.She-BearleadsYebyascoreof2-0.
YeKanye:TheJews!Imean,whenabigstackofmoneyisinfrontofthem,thatis.
J-Wow:No!GoddamnitKanye!Imean,goddamnit,Ye!Youcan’tjustsay“theJews”toevery questions.Thisissomeseriouslyracistshit.
Kanye:Iapologize.Iunderstandhowhurtfulmywordsare.“TheJews”isclearlyracist,andI havebeenverywrong.MayIpleasetryagain?
J-Wow:Uh,Iguessso.
Kanye:TheJewishpeople!Imeanwhenabigstackofmoneyisinfrontofthem,thatis.
J-Wow:Absolutelynot.Okay,Iguessit’skangaroolady’sturn.
Audri:Whooo?Whooo?Whoooareyouaddressing?Justkidding.It’stheowl.Hoothoot!Get it?Icandopunstoo.
BUZZ!!!
J-Wow:JustSTFU,please.Youareanass.Kanga-owl-bear-moomoochick? Audri:(noanswer) J-Wow:Notaguess?Nothing? Audri:WhenIlivedamongthegiraffesfor12years,Ilearnedtostopmy
BUZZ!! Kanye:Giftcardgoodforonenosejobat–J-Wow:NONONONONO!Youarehorrible! Audri:Ah,thisbringsbacksuchfondmemoriesofmy18yearsspentinAntarctica.
J-Wow:Ha!Idon’tgetwhyI’mnotallowedtomakeanimaljokes,butthat’samus— Audri:SILENCE,DEVILWOMAN!THATWASATEST!ANDYOUHAVEFAILED!ONCEWHENILIVED AMONGTHENORTHERNSAW-WHETOWLSFOR7YEARS,WEPECKEDOUTTHEEYESOFASMALL CHILDWHOREFERREDTOUSAS“HEDWIGS.”IDON’TKNOWWHATTHATMEANS,BUTIDO KNOWTHATCHILDWILLNEVERMOVEHISEYESORGAZEUPONTHEWONDERSOFTHEGREAT ANIMALKINGDOMAGAIN! Silence… Moresilence… Evenmoresilence… J-Wow:Time’sup!Noonehasananswer?Kanye? Kanye:Well,it’snottheJews–excuseme,Jewishpeople–astheycan’t shutup.Also,Ithinkthey’reprobablyreptiles,not–
vocalcordsfromevenvibratingwhilebreathing,inordertobestrespect mygiraffebrethren,whohavenovocalcords.Ihavenochoicebutto refrainfromansweringthisquestion.Ialsohavenochoicebuttoripyour vocalcordsoutwithmyteethafterthegameisconcluded,inorderto honormysharkcomrades,withwhomIonceswamfor16summers.
ManyatimesIwasbroughtbeautifulrocksasgiftsfrommalepenguins.Thatreminds methatIbetterstartmyChristmasshoppingsoon.Ihavealotofchildrentobuyfor.
BUZZ!!
Kanye:The--
J-Wow:Don’tsayit!Immaletyoufinish,butfirst,it’snot“theJews”or“Jewishpeople” andno,thequestiondoesnotinvolve“abigpileofmoney”oranyofthisotherantiSemiticbullshitthatyou’reabouttosay.
Kanye:Uh,canIphoneafriend?
J-Wow:Well,that’snotthisgame,butsinceyou’relosingsobadly,I’llallowit.
Kanye:Great!IgotKyrieonspeeddial.Hey,Kyrie,Igotaquestionforyou.Whatanimal hasthebiggesteyes?No,there’snobigpileofmoneyinfrontofthem.Oh,goodcall! Lemmeask.[addressingJenna]Uh,J-Wow,canIaskforclarification?
J-Wow:Sure.
Kanye:Okay,Ifeelyaaboutthemoneything.Buthowaboutlikeistheresome Hollywoodcontractsorlikeapileoflawpapershitinfrontofthem?
J-Wow:Nope.
Kanye:Damn.Well,I’llsayTaylorSwiftthen. J-Wow:NO!
Kanye:Uh,theHebrews?
J-Wow:NO!
Audri:Thisgameboarsboresme.AndiftheBrainStewreportercoveringthisevent spellsthatas“boars,”Iwillmurdertheirchildrenandbatheintheirblood.Now,ifyou willkindlyallowmetoleave,I’monhiatusfroma21yearstintofhelpingtheGiant SquidattackGreenpeaceboats.
J-Wow:Greenpeaceboats?That’sconfusingtome.
Audri:OFCOURSEITIS,MORTAL!ICOMMANDTHEETOWATCHCOWSPIRACYON NETFLIX123TIMESCONSECUTIVELY!ITISTHEHOLYSCRIPTUREHANDEDDOWNBYTHE LORDOURGODANDNOTTOBEQUESTIONEDBYHEATHENCORPSEEATERSSUCHAS YOU!YOUSTINKOFCHICKENNUGGETS,KRAFTSINGLES,ANDBURNINGINHELL!!!!!!!
NewOfficialBeveragesforthe49StatesandOne
IllegallyOccupiedTerritoryofAmerica(pt.2)
ThemajorityoftheUnitedStates(excludingHawaii)havechosen“Milk”astheir officialstatebeverageofchoiceaccordingtostatesymbolsusa.org,andIfindthat appallingandunacceptable.We’rebacktochoosingnewdrinksforthem.And we’llbetalkingabouttheotherstatescauseIdidtheresearch.
Michigan-Startingwithagoodone,Michigan’sstatebeverageiscalledthe hummer,madewithwhiterum,kahlua,andtwoscoopsofvanillaicecream. Thissoundsfuckingdelightful.
Minnesota-MILK!REEEEE!ThenewMinnesotabeverageisthemudfrom anactualmudslide(itisalsoacocktailthough,lookitup).
Mississippi-ALSOMILK!ITHASTOGO!Mississippi’snewstatebeverage isthepissfromthemarginalized.
Missouri-Budweiser.Itmightaswellbepiss,andIdon’tcareifit’s controversial.I’mnotfromhereandallbeersucksshit.
Montana-It’swatered-downwhiskey.It’scalledaWhiskeyDitchtomakeit soundlikeacocktail,butitconsistsofwhiskeyandwater.It’salmosthilarious howmiserableMontanasoundsthemoreIhearaboutit.
Nebraska-MILK!!IDECREETHENEWBEVERAGEIS…cornstarch.I touredaschoolinNebraskabeforeIrealizedtheywouldn’tgivememoney. Therewassomuchcornandfog,itwasscary.LiterallyChildrenoftheCorn State.
Nevada-ThePiconpunch-grenadine,clubsoda,brandy,andAmerPicon.
NewHampshire-Applecider.Perfectlyacceptable.
NewJersey-Alsocranberryjuice.Itbugsmealittlethatthismatcheswith Massachusetts,butwe’reheretostopmilk,soitstays
NewMexico-Sincethisismyhomestate,Ihavetotrythisdrinkatsomepointit’scalledtheChimayócocktail,andit’stequila,applejuice,lemonjuice,andCreme deCassis.
NewYork-MILK.CATEGORYIS…NEWSTATEBEVERAGE.Whatis… Rainwatermixedwithratpiss?CORRECT!
NorthCarolina-MILK!!Idon’tknowmuchaboutNorthCarolina,butitfeelslike itdeservesasortoflemonysweettea,maybewithrumorsomething.
NorthDakota-FUCKMILK!Theygetaglassofmeltedsnowwithvariousdirt andotherparticlesinit.
Ohio-Tomatojuice.Gross,butnotmilk.
Oklahoma-THEYCAN’TKEEPGETTINGAWAYWITHTHIS!Thenew beverageislike,avodkawatermeloncocktailthing,becausewatermelonisthe statefruitandthat’scool.
Oregon-It’smilkagain.Youknowthedrill.They’regettingabloodorange cocktail.There’stoomanyingredientsformetoremembertolisthere,sogoogle thatonetoo.
Pennsylvania-Ieditedit,butIjusttypedthestatehereasjust‘milk’.I’mlosingit boys.Pennsylvaniagetsmolasses,sinceI’mprettysureit’stheonlydrinkbesides waterandmilkthattheAmishcanhave.
RhodeIsland-Coffeemilkisit’sstatedrink.It’sonsuchthinfuckingicebut becauseit’snotstraightmilkwe’regonnaletitgo.Pickourbattles,y’know?
SouthCarolina-SameasNorthCarolinapartnersincrime.Theygetapeach lemonadethoughbecausetheirstatefruitisthepeach.
SouthDakota-TheNorthandSouthstatesreallyarefraternaltwins.New beverageispearjuice,justbecauseIdon’tknowifthatactuallyexistsornot.
Tennessee-Can’tbelievethisisalsoamilkstate.TennesseegetsaBloodyMary becausethestatefruitisatomato.
Texas-Texasisthefirsttonothaveanofficialdrinkatall.Iftheyweretohaveone, it’dbeTedCruz’sbloodmixedwithtequila.ThetrickisyougottakeepTedCruz aliveinthebasement,sothisdrinkisinveryhighdemand.
Utah-Rootbeer.AlrightnotbadUtah.Guessit’ssafefortheMormonsto drinkandalsocoolandfun.
Vermont-Milkisthestatebeverage,butthosefuckersshouldhavemaple syrupinstead.It’sthestateflavorforfuckssake.
Virginia-Theysayit’smilk,butitshouldbethebloodofthevirgin daughtersnamedVirginia.Otherwisewhywouldsomanypeoplenametheir daughterthatway?SorryifyournameisVirginia-justbegladyoudon’tlive there.
Washington-Coffee.Alittleboring,butalsoIcan’tcomplainbecauseIlove coffee.IguessSeattleisinWashingtonandisthecoffeecapital,sothismakes somesense.
WestVirginia-It’salittleknownfactthatWestVirginiaseparatedfrom VirginiaVirginiabecausetheydidn’twanttosacrificetheirdaughtersnamed Virginia.Theylikedthenameenoughtokeepitthough.Theirofficialstate drinkisactuallytheginandtonic.
Wisconsin-Milk.IsupposeIshouldn’tbetoosurprised,sinceit’sthecheese state.Wecanpushitfurtherthough.Myfirstthoughtwasthattheirstate drinkshouldbeVelveeta,butactuallythestatedrinkshouldbethecheese dustfromKraftmacandcheesethatyoumixwithmilk,half&half,orheavy whippingcreamtomakethecheesesauce.That’sthebeverage.
Wyoming-Finally,wegettoWyoming,thestatethatIdon’tbelieveactually exists,asIhaveneverknownsomeonefromthere,andnooneelseIknow doeseither.Theyneedawhimsicaldrink…somethingnoonehasdone before…
Mayhapsstrawberrymilk?:)
HowtoProperlyUse ASL
Hereisanotherdemonstrationofasimple conversationstarterforpeoplewantingto learnASL. HeyWhatHave
YouDoneToday
ARTWORKALERT:Acollagesuppliedby afreshmanstannie,2022. MEDIUM:Twitterscreenshotssentto theBSemail.
WhatthehelldidIjustread?“BrainStew'smissionistoprovideforthePierre LacledeHonorsCollegestudentbodyaforumforuncensoredfreethought, commentary,andcreativity,aswellasnewsandeventlistingsfromPLHCSAand otherrelatedcampusorganizations,”yakyakyak!WepublishALOTOFTHINGS. Like,thingsthatmakeEdregretevertakingajobattheHonorsCollege!
We’vebeenpublishingsince1991(or1993).LongerthanDan’scarhasbeen running,somehow.Wemustbedoingagoodjobthough.Despiteourbest efforts,grown-upskeepgivingusawards—stufflikeBestSustainedProgramin 2012and2017,andBestCulturalAwarenessProgramin2018.Evensomeshady committeecalledthe“NationalCollegiateHonorsCouncil”gaveusawardsin 2017,2018,andProgramoftheYearin2020.
Disclaimer:Weissuenocontentguidelinesbeyondthoseofstate,local,and federallaw.Allcontentistheresponsibilityofthecreator.UMSL,PLHC,PLHCSA, andtheBrainStewstaffareinnowayobligatedtoprintanything.Inshort,submit whatyouwant,butwedon’thavetoprintitifyou’rebeingalittlemonster!
Howtosubmit:Sendyourstufftoumslbrainstew@umsystem.edu
Howtostalk:
@umslbrainstew@UMSLBrainStew
