Brain Stew, 2022-23, Issue 6

Fear is nothing but an illusion. It’s something created in our minds to protect us from danger. Take for example, I once walked in on Dan [REDACTED]…. And the poor creature stood there while Dan[REDACTED]….Dan tried to stop stop it from [REDACTED]…they both never revoked at the end, neither did I.

I’m not scared of anything. I am the one people should fear. The key to being a good leader is to intimidate and build the fear in the others below you. Those meek and small have no chance against a powerful leader like me. They can fight all they want, but I sense the fear buried deep in their souls. That is why I will always and forever be the great and almighty ass. Dean.

What is the spookiest thing you’ve witnessed at UMSL?

Nothing really, but there was this one time me and Bob pulled a prank on Ed. To this day I’m sure he still thinks that went down was real.

I still don’t think I quite understand you Brain Stew???

OUT AND PROUD: UMSL SPOTLIGHTS ICONIC HONORS

LOVE IS IN THE AIR in our humble Honors College, and UMSL is taking notice. Alex Entwistle and Owen Ireton, both 20, have become staples of the diverse UMSL population. As of 2022, Ireton and Entwistle are the first students on campus documented as “bro mosexual”. A minority on an already varied student population (and heavily persecuted in the world outside the walls of UMSL safe spaces), the pair have defied the boundaries of acceptable PDA, how many grown men can fit on a full sized mattress, and how many displays of depravity warrant a visit to the Title IX office. Later this year, the pair plans on launching their campaign, “BRO NO MO”, wherein the two encourage others to ditch the labels of “roommate” and “best friend” in exchange for terms like “f*ckbuddy” and “sword fight partner”. When asked about their relationship, Entwistle and Ireton were in agreement on a phrase that could sum up the dynamics quite well: “Not a better person in the world to mash pissers with.”

The UMSL campus is taking note of their contributions and will be honored accordingly next month by Chancellor Sobolik. They are slated to receive the 2022 Trailblazer Award, an award given to minority students who work tirelessly to further diversity on campus.

COUPLE

pride

TOP LEFT: Post four way orgy spooning. TOP RIGHT: The two tackle cardio, their favorite activity besides kinky butt sex. MIDDLE LEFT: Alex’s Grindr profile picture. MIDDLE MIDDLE: The two doing their court ordered community service, which they received for drunkenly catcalling off duty firefighters. MIDDLE RIGHT: The cover photo on their “BRO NO MO” campaign website. BOTTOM LEFT CORNER: An average Snapchat between the two. BOTTOM LEFT: Hockey sure is for everyone! BOTTOM RIGHT: Owen and Alex use hand signals to demonstrate exactly what they plan to do to one another post hockey game.

BOTTOM RIGHT CORNER: Quick check in at Enterprise after a 2nd Intermission quickie in the family bathroom’s handicapped stall.

Rumor has it that in addition to the shared plaque, the two will receive a joint 5% discount on their apartment, a rainbow Louie stuffed animal, and a certificate for a free cone from the Triton Treats store that expired five years ago. We here at Provincial House times offer our congratulations to the pair for their timeless contributions to our wonderful liberal campus and thank them for further diversifying our student body. We get more federal funding that way. We look forward to posting your marriage announcement!

Brain Stew book club!

Yes, we know how to f***ing read. Why would you ask that? Stop being a dick. Anyway, every month we get together at Dan’s house (in other words, the ProHo basement) to sip fancy cocktails, like Natural Light and Mad Dog wine, and discuss the greatest novels of all-time. Which we definitely read.

Abby says: Uh, not what I was hoping. Aimee says: Yeah, but it’s exactly what the title said it was.

Hannah says: Howdy, y’all! Just want to say that even though I went to school in Alabama, I totally know how to read and did read this book.

Sydney says: Oh yeah, well what was it about? (Whisper it to me, I only read the first 2 pages).

Hannah says: Um uh, weed? I mean firefighters smoking weed. Yeah, that’s right.

Aimee says: Damnit, Dan, stop picking this shit. Just because it has 420 in it doesn’t mean it’s about weed.

Hannah says: I learned how to fix my tractor! Now I can drive it to “Drive your tractor to school day!” UMSL does that, right?

Sydney says: go back to Alabama, you barefoot hillbilly!

Abby says: leave her alone, Sydney! It’s not her fault she comes from Alabama. Also, this book was garbage.

Abby says: more erotic than 50 Shades of Grey, at least.

Sydney says: it got me through the last SGA meeting, that’s for sure.

OCTOBER: The Official LSAT Preptest, vol. 69.

Aimee says: is Hannah a real person? How come she doesn’t have a DARS pic or anything online? Is there no internet in Alabama?

Mya says: damnit, why the f*** didn’t we read this before I graduated. You assholes.

AUGUST: U.S. Fire Administration/National Fire Academy Field Operations Guide ICS 420-1

SEPTEMBER: John Deere 420 Lawn & Garden Tractor Operators Manual (SN# 1001 and up)

Word Scramble

Random Brainstew Submission

From Irina Beidenstein

Will Random thoughts and shame on you

Does nobody listen to classical music anymore? What happened to the soulful songs you could belt from the heart? You all listen to the TikTok songs with the F*ck yous. (I’m mad because David Foster just released an album of cover arrangements for some truly awesome songs that no one understands why they are awesome. What happened to slow songs? An Intimate Evening by David Foster featuring Pia Toscano, Loren Allfred, Lindsey Sterling and more…please prove me wrong about our generations degrading taste in music…)

Reading for reading’s sake what am I, a weirdo? For reading books? (That is a rhetorical question. Don’t answer it! I don’t want to hear your stupid nonsensical answer anyway.) I swear, the next person to even glare at me for reading a book that is not class related is going to get themselves gutted and a hell of a lot of papercuts. Broaden your horizons people! (Heck, I’d be happy if you read this, because that means you took a break from those sleep inducing textbooks that you don’t understand anyway.)

Mac & Cheese with Chopsticks

I am not a procrastinator for the life of me. God forbid I do not turn in an assignment at least one day before the deadline. But shit happens, and I’m left with figuring out how to do 3 things in one hour. It was eye-opening to be sure. It all makes sense! I have had productive hours, but I think I got the most I’ve ever gotten accomplished in that hour. The pressure – man, it was unreal. Then there was the stress (and I thought stress was a bad thing). Definitely my top motivation now.

I may not officially convert to procrastination, but I sure as hell know it will have my back when I need it. Plus, I learned how to eat Mac & Cheese with chopsticks 9/10 in my book.

@BrainStew

You are the 0.1% if you don’t understand by the way

Trick or treat or smell my feet?

Christoph VS Audri

Ja, so en Deutschland ve did not celebrate Jalloween when I was a young schnitzel, so I vould think it vould be a lot more fun to have someone smell my feet. My answer es smell my feet.

Hi, I’m Aimee, and I’m not putting a picture of stinky feet below this answer. I’d rather it just be blank. If feet end up here, that’s Dan’s doing. AP

Oh, I love this question. I would definitely say Trick or treat. When people come to my door I ask them if they are vegans. If they say yes, I provide them with a sweet vegan tomato raisin treat. If they say no, then my doormat opens up a trap door that drops the person into a seat they are stuck in, and they are forced to watch a 10 hour loop of Cowspiracy. At the end of the video they must apologize to my moo moos that are in the room with them. Then and only then will they be set free.

Aimee’s

How to Properly Use ASL

As a person with hard of hearing, I need to learn ASL. I decided many people do not have the resources to learn it, so I figured I can use brain stew as a platform to teach others.

A simple greeting phrase

Hi How Are

Doing

Word

What the hell did I just read? “Brain Stew's mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body a forum for uncensored free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus organizations,” yak yak yak! We publish A LOT OF THINGS. Like, things that make Ed regret ever taking a job at the Honors College! We’ve been publishing since 1991 (or 1993). Longer than Dan’s car has been running, somehow. We must be doing a good job though. Despite our best efforts, grown ups keep giving us awards stuff like Best Sustained Program in 2012 and 2017, and Best Cultural Awareness Program in 2018. Even some shady committee called the “National Collegiate Honors Council” gave us awards in 2017, 2018, and Program of the Year in 2020.

Disclaimer: We issue no content guidelines beyond those of state, local, and federal law. All content is the responsibility of the creator. UMSL, PLHC, PLHCSA, and the Brain Stew staff are in no way obligated to print anything. In short, submit what you want, but we don’t have to print it if you’re being a little monster!

How to submit: Send your stuff to umslbrainstew@umsystem.edu

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