Brain Stew, 2022-23, Issue 4

Do balls go inside the condom, or outside the condom?

This is a toughie. Considering I haven’t had sex in fourteen years, I don’t remember the last time I used a condom. I don’t even think I remember how condoms work, considering the last time I got lucky, I bought myself eighteen more years of family trips to the whitest locations on Earth. Hmm… OH! When my wife pegs me, she does not put the balls in the condom, so therefore… balls do not go in the condom! This answer is Rob Wilson, Local Feminist approved!

I thought I told Dan to keep you BS trogs away from me! Stop asking nonsense questions! Holy shit, how far public school education has fallen.

I wish your parents had been educated on protected sex. That would’ve saved me so much peace of mind not to have to put up with you shitheads! I’m going to build a time machine and travel back in time to give your mom a Plan B pill. Jesus Christ.

But to answer your question… yes. Where the fuck else would they go?

Neither. They go wherever they desire, my friend. To the wall, if they so dare. One time I got so strung out on whippets and medical grade rubbing alcohol, I thought my balls migrated to Mexico on a bad bet. That was a good day.

Preregistration for Spring 2023 is coming soon!

Honors pre-registration for Spring 2023 begins on MONDAY, OCTOBER 17. For those new to Honors, pre registration allows you to meet with your Honors advisor prior to the date that UMSL allows you to register for classes. You and your advisor will work out your fall schedule, and a representative of the Honors College will then register you for those classes as soon as you are allowed to register (some day between November 7 and November 21, depending on your credit hours completed and/or athlete or veteran status). You are strongly encouraged to take advantage of this system and plan your schedule in advance. Only an Honors advisor can register you for Honors classes, and you need to see your Honors advisor at least once per semester.

There are two ways to contact your Honors advisor:

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First, you can book an appointment yourself through the MyConnect system. To get to MyConnect, please log in through the MyGateway student portal Your advisor will be listed in the Honors portion of your Success Network. If you do not see days/times that are possible for your schedule, you may email your advisor to inquire about other possibilities. If you do not see your Honors advisor, you can navigate to the Honors College page and access our entire list of advisors.

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Second, you can email your advisor and request an appointment; please provide your advisor with numerous possible days and times that fit your schedule. Please do not provide only one day/time option or ask for an appointment without providing any information about your own availability. If you have forgotten who your advisor is, please check here.

Please start planning your schedule before your appointment!

* You can explore what you need to take for your degree via MyDegree, also known as DARS

* You can also start filling out your pre registration form in advance of your appointment.

* If you need to take a course to fulfill your math proficiency (for example, Math 1030: College Algebra), you should take the Math Placement Test before your appointment.

Courses

 Honors College course descriptions will be available OCTOBER 14 here

 The UMSL course catalog for spring (including Honors) is scheduled to be released TODAY in MyView.

Your registration date, which is not connected at all to the date you book an appointment with your advisor, will be available in your MyView Student Center soon.

Last, we would love if you could take a few minutes to read or review the College’s Advising Mission Statement: Appendix B in our Handbook. This statement outlines not only the philosophical importance and reason for advising, it also provides insight into what to expect in an advising appointment, as well as what is expected from both advisor and advisee in academic advising.

Thanks, Dan & Audri

Daniel Gerth

Director of Student Services andAlumni Relations

Pierre Laclede Honors College

University of Missouri St. Louis C201 Provincial House 314 516 7197

gerthd@umsl.edu

PLHC students can click here to book an appointment with me.

AudriAdams, MA

AcademicAdvisor

Pierre Laclede Honors College

C202 Provincial House, One University Blvd., St. Louis MO 63121

Phone (314) 516 4890 Fax (314) 516 6873 Email adamsaud@umsl.edu

Pronouns she/her/hers

NeedAdvising? Make an appointment with me through MyConnect

abby’s tierlists #2: things hannah and i have consumed at parties edition

I like making tier lists for no apparent reason, so I decided it would be fun to put that to use in this absolute hell mag. For legal reasons, I will not be elaborating on my rankings in this issue. Sucks to suck. Here’s the SparkNotes:

• Tito’s puts us on our worst behavior.

• Bailey’s is an absolute delicacy. I will be drinking Irish coffees at every opportunity next summer in Ireland.

• Frog Juice literally almost killed me and it’s the funniest thing that’s ever happened over the course of Hannah and I’s friendship.

• We made pruno in our dorm last year and it was a disaster. Yes, we still drank it. Yes, it was awful and we ended up dumping a good amount out in the woods behind the south campus parking garage.

• Our roommate put shots in old hand sanitizer bottles once.

• Mad Dog is so fire; no other questions please.

• Pink Whitney drinkers should be shot on sight. Fuck you, Paul Bissonnette and Ryan Whitney. You were both ass at hockey, so you just had to make an assoholic beverage to compensate.

UMSL COUNSELING LOBOTOMIZES LOCAL BRAIN STEW EDITOR!

Controversy and tragedy (or a favor for humanity, depending on who you ask) has once again struck the Honors College, as a prolific student and office worker has had her brain’s ability cut short. Last Tuesday, our beloved Brain Stew editor and choice token student of the Honors College went to UMSL Counseling on the advice of Dan Gerth, local Honors College alcoholic and homeless man. After several interventions, a crying mother, and hitting a bush in a Starbucks parking lot, our beloved editor begrudgingly decided that it was crucial to her success down the line to seek out mental help.

Known for her outrageous thoughts, disturbing content creations, offensive remarks towards many marginalized groups on campus (pretty much the Greek life people who don’t like being made fun of), Wall has slowly reached the point where her content for Brain Stew has raised legitimate concerns for her and the people around her. The last straw came when she posted flyers of Kathy Griffin holding the bloody, decapitated head of Louie the Triton around the Honors College whilst giggling maniacally.

“I mean, it’s like a year overdue,” Hannah Smid, local Bama fan and former roommate said. “Like, last year she started projectile vomiting while talking about the taints of Renaissance writers for our final. Of course, Rob thought it was so profound that she got an 800 percent, but still! That was the first sign that something was wrong. It’s all been downhill from there.”

Wall, 19, showed up for her counseling meeting with some of UMSL’s finest mental health professionals extremely bright eyed and bushy tailed. The toughest of the UMSL shrinks welcomed her in, and from there it went to hell. We here at Brain Stew were not able to obtain information on what was said during the appointment, but all of a sudden, she was strapped into the funny white jacket and rushed out of the building on a gurney into the depths of the Marillac tunnels. UMSL Counseling could not reveal the contents of the discussion with Wall, stating that the conversation had been so deeply disturbing that the case workers had bled from their eyes when reading the transcript. However, they did disclose that the appropriate neurological procedure had been performed, and that the world will survive another day with Wall now mentally incapacitated.

Following the lobotomy, Wall can be seen walking around North Campus mindlessly in an attempt to get her grubby little mitts on varying liquids of high caffeine content. Occasionally, freshman who get too close to are brutally eviscerated, but since they’re freshman, the college doesn’t give a fuck.

The Honors College deeply mourns the loss of a great content creator and even better token for diversity and success. When reached for comment, Dean Ed told Brain Stew , “Thank God we can’t get sued anymore, but goddamn, now we have to find another black woman in STEM to make us look good to prospective students. They’re not exactly easy to find.”

We will update this story as it develops.

Fellow Brain Stew editor Hannah Smid supporting her newly lobotomized best friend.

Letters to the Editors

Dear Brain Stew,

What’s the difference between a corvette and a pile of dead babies? There is no corvette parked in Dan Gerth’s garage. You guys are mandatory reporters, right? Dear god, I hope so. This guy needs to be stopped!

Sincerely, Concerned Student

Dear CompuServe,

Yes, we are mandatory reporters. And rest assured that we will be reporting you. To our fists. Snitches get stiches.

Sincerely, Aimee

PS you need to italicize Brain Stew. Learn MLA style, you toothless hillbilly.

Dear Bellerive,

I’m having a difficult time accessing the submission form. Do I have to use my UMSL email account for this? I really hate that thing. Why can’t UMSL send everything to my Gmail account?

Sincerely, Frustrated Student

Dear F*ck Stick,

We are not Bellerive. We hope you someday die in agony while watching your children also die in agony as their pets die in agony. Also, learn MLA style. Italics are not that complicated, dumbass. Neither is UMSL email.

Respectfully, Hannah

Dear Brain Stew,

I’m a power exchange enthusiast, looking for someone to exchange safe words with. Any leads?

Sincerely, Dean Ed Munn Sanchez

Dear White Man

Sorry, but I only swing that way for Hispanic men. Also, my safe word is italicize Peace, Sydney

Dear Audri Queen of the Moo Moos and Oink Oinks,

Thank you so much for italicizing Brain Stew! It must have been hard to find italicized letters in magazines! We appreciate the effort so much. Also, we’re glad you found that ransom note generator for the rest of the letter. That thing is an amazing time saver. Trust us, we know!

Love, Abby

Manhood: The Masculine Virtues America Needs by Josh Hawley

From the publisher:

Afree society that despises manhood will not remain free.

TheAmerican Founders believed that a republic depends on certain masculine virtues. Senator Josh Hawley thinks they were right. In a bold new book, he calls on American men to stand up and embrace their God given responsibility as husbands, fathers, and citizens.

According to Senator Hawley, the liberal attack on men, deriding masculine virtues as “toxic,” is driving men to an “idle” life of video games and pornography. Intrigued? We certainly were. And after receiving an advance copy of his book, we would like to say that we are not disappointed.

The author divides his study into five key areas of masculinity:

1. Having a penis

2. Peeing while standing up

3. Not crying

4. Saying “I’ve got something in my eye” if someone catches you crying

5. Avoiding Monkeypox

Chapter one (“Penis”) is short and to the point. “You must have a penis” is the entirety of the chapter. In prose, at least. The next 23 pages appear to be doodles of penises, ranging in length and girth. The renderings are artistically varied, as some include testicles and some do not. Some also include pubic hair, while others do not. None include a foreskin. However, one drawing does have testicle wrinkles that look like the face of George Soros, and it is the smallest of all the penis doodles, so we are unsure of the relationship between circumcision and manhood. The author would do well to clarify his point and leave less to the reader’s interpretation.

Later chapters are much less ambiguous. While the joys of peeing while standing up are interwoven throughout the entire book, they are addressed at length in the second chapter (“Women Peeing: How Does that Work?”). The Brain Stew editorial staff wonders too. Is there like a hole inside the bigger hole? Aseparate hole? It doesn’t come from the third hole, right? While the chapter does not answer this philosophical quandary, the awesomeness of peeing while standing is never in question and described with rhetorical emphasis and lyricism.

Is crying manly? Of course not, extols the author. At times the argumentation is circular (as when, for example, he states “Boys don’t cry because only girls cry”), but overall the point is well made. Anecdotal evidence, such as when he relates making “them” cry via mis pronouning them, is plentiful. And hilarious.

The sections on Mokeypox seem rushed and unrehearsed, almost as if the author wanted a quick cash in on a recent, and not fully addressed, new illness that is sweeping the headlines. It’s all well and good to just tell people how to behave (for example, the advice to “don’t stick your pee in a poo poo”), but when the majority of the book is about all of the glorious things your penis can do, a quick chapter on what it shouldn’t do may not be enough for some readers.

Manhood: The Masculine Virtues America Needs

Josh Hawley

Julia Green: Pancho and Del have long been the bestest of doggie buddies. Ever since they were born from two dog moms whose owners were neighbors, they had been through many complicated life milestones. This includes the bullying of Pancho in the dog park and Del's protection of him; the constant struggle between being the first to catch their owners' frisbee; and being witnesses to the love affair that their owners had finally realized needed to end. But the toughest moment of their lives came when Pancho and Del both fell in love with the same dog woman Suzana. Suzana thrived on feeling as if she was always in the spotlight, and Pancho and Del were unable to resist her charming ways. Feeling threatened that Pancho and Del's friendship was more important to them than their love for her, Suzana spiked their water bowls. After making sure they had drunk from their bowls, Suzana egged Pancho and Del until they were in a frenzy of rage at each other for laying eyes on their one true love. They became so aggressive that the police needed to come in and detain them for the night. When they woke up for their crazy night of excitement, and realized they were in cages opposite of one another in doggy jail, Pancho and Del started barking in laughter at remembering what had gone down the previous night. Pancho squeezed between the bars of his own cage and then snuck into Del's jail cage so that they could "suffer" the wrath of their owners together ("suffer" is in parenthesis as they don't understand any human words anyway). In the end, Pancho and Del realized that they didn't need Suzana only each other.

Chris Hollingsworth: Poncho Villa and Del are in jail because Poncho Villa stole this land from Father long ago. Clearly, Del (Cielo) refused to go with Zaragosa to El Sueco, then San Antonio, and then San Diego because dogfighting is even worse than cock fighting!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aL94KYX5V_I

Clay Butler: Pancho and Del chewed up the latest issue of Brainstew. I think they did it on PAW pose!

Riley Andreasen: there was a third dog and they ate him.

AND THE WINNER IS... RILEY ANDREASEN! Riley’s answer is both the best answer AND technically correct. The dead doggy was named Barbara. RIP Barbara. We’re sorry other doggies ate you. Riley can pick up the gift card in the Honors main office starting today.

EDDIE MUNNY MAZE! Can you solve the maze? Bring the completed maze to Ed’s office to win $20.

Brain Stewdoku Solve by filling in boxes with numbers until the shape of a penis appears. Then draw wangs on all of the numbers. You win!

Pet of the Week Contest: Meet Pancho Villa and Del, doggies belonging to Jess Probert and Paige Risenhoover. Contest: Why are these doggies locked in some sort of doggy jail? Prize: $15 Barnes and Noble gift card (cuz we ain’t giving you money for the Triton Store!)

A Random Story from a Dog's POV

As a dog, I live most of my life in luxury. I take naps when I want, I piss and shit wherever I want, and I get cuddled all day everyday. There is nothing that can get in the way of my amazing life, except those damn squirrels. It all started when I was allowed to go outside to the backyard by myself for the first time. I was chasing my tail, and out of nowhere I got hit by something on my noggin. As I looked up I saw two evil squirrels laughing at me. They shot me the bird, and went back into the tree. The taunting went on for what feels like years. The bigger I got the more I fought back. I would chase them and they would just run back into the tree, but I knew deep in my soul I would catch those damn squirrels one day and live my life in peace.

That one day came. It was a cloudy day and there were no sounds of birds chirping. I have devised a plan overnight. Basically, I was going around the side of the entrance to the tree, and as soon as they would peek their heads out I would get them. I woke up extremely early this morning, because I was going to catch them off guard.

As the time rolls around, I position myself in place and wait. Still no sign of the squirrels, I become excited; maybe they already died from just being too scared of me. As soon as that thought crosses my mind a squirrel pops up out of the tree hole. I take a bite as fast as I could, but when I bit into the squirrel it crushed my jaw. Then I hear a loud boom, and my ass starts to get warmer. I turn around, and all 1 million of the squirrels are behind me, my ass is in fact on fire, and when I dropped the squirrel that was in my mouth, it turns out it was a makeshift outline of a squirrel made of rocks. At this point, I knew I was in the middle of war.

The squirrels all climbed as fast as they could to the tree branches. I knew what was about to come next, so I took cover. It started to rain acorns. I needed to somehow win this, but I had no army. After what felt like a few days went by, the neighborhood cat stood at the top of the fence and observed the battle. I tried to get the cat's attention, and eventually I did. As the cat came over I told him I needed help. At first he didn’t want to get involved, but you see these squirrels aren’t just bothering me, they are bothering all the cats and dogs around the world. I needed the cat to go out and recruit as many pets alike who are willing to fight for what’s right.

I sent the cat out, and just tried to weaken the army of the squirrels as best as I could. I even at one point tried to climb a tree, but that didn’t work out too well. I took a nap, and when I woke up I was in deep shit. When my eyes opened I still couldn’t see anything, and my paws were tied behind my back. The squirrels began to tell me their evil plans on how they were going to take over the world. I laughed, and told them they stood no chance. I completely lied, because truthfully they did have a chance, but I had faith that the cat would come back with an army 10x stronger than the squirrels. The head squirrel takes off my blindfold, and it appears that I am inside the tree. It looked like an evil laboratory of sorts. The head squirrel then comes up to me asking if I had any last words. All I could think is this is it, my dog days are over. I stay silent with pride. As soon as I close my eyes the cat runs in demanding the squirrels to stop what they were doing. The squirrels laugh, then the army of cats and dogs from the neighborhood start to bark outside the tree. With a cocky smirk, the cat gives them the choice of the easy way or the hard way out. Terrified, the squirrels wave their white flag, and pack up their things.

As they are leaving the head squirrel, shoots me and the army another bird, and swears to be back again one day. Watching them leave, I get a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I can now live my life in perfect luxury.

Funny Playlist Names That I Wanted to Share

Recently I made some playlists, and for me, when it comes to genre playlists, they have to be kind of funny. For example, my boy band playlist (i.e. 5SOS, One Direction, Big Time Rush, etc.) is called Those Boys She Told You Not to Worry About. My newest rock playlist with Black Veil Brides and Pierce the Veil is called Cool Guys Who Scream.

It was harder for me to figure out a playlist name for pop punk/alt/kinda ska/what the-fuck-even-are-music-genres-anyway types of bands (i.e. All Time Low, Fall Out Boy, Magnolia Parks). Here’s the list of names I came up with as candidates:

Guys with Mental Illness

Guys Who Helped Me With Mental Illness

Twinks with Feelings

Boys I Would Have Dated In High School

They Think They’re Punk, But Chances Are They Live In California

The Holy Trinity of High School Mental Illness

Too Pop to be Rock but Too Rock to be Pop Punk Sluts

Men That Are Punk Sluts and They Know It

The Edgelord Era

Guys Who Don’t Fit in Anywhere Else

Circle your favorite playlist name and your vote will be counted in the hivemind tally. Feel free to use one of these or share your own wacky playlist names with the goose shaped void that is the Brain Stew Twitter.

Rating Barbie Men Based on How Gay They Are (pt.1)

Greetings fellow Barbie enthusiasts and passerby! Even if you have not seen a Barbie movie, you definitely have some second hand knowledge about the Barbie Cinematic Universe (BCU), especially if you have sisters. Which is why I offer you this delectable and completely self-indulgent article where I rate Barbie men on how gay they are.

Prince Aidan (Barbie: Magic of the Pegasus)

Man’s can skate like an Olympist. Olympian? I don’t sport. Not only that, but he and Annika did not get along in the beginning for some reason. I’m going to say he’s a struggling bisexual, because he can skate but his romance with Annika is compelling. 6/10 gay

Julian (Barbie Princess and the Pauper)

Not gay. Though he spends a whole lot of time hanging out with Annaliese in the movie, and knows all this girly stuff, it’s cause it’s his job, not really because he would choose to. Also man was super in love with the Annaliese. 0/10 gay, but 6/10 dude. King Dominic (Barbie Princess and the Pauper)

This guy is somehow very good at costumes and pretending to be other people. If only we had seen him cross dress in this movie! While you don’t have to cross dress to be gay, I’m giving him a rating of tentative gay, but isn’t sure cause he feels he needs to date a dude first. 7/10, you’re probably gay or very freaky hun.

Prince Derek (Barbie in the 12 Dancing Princesses)

Kind of a loner, knows how to make shoes really well. They’re nice looking shoes too. Hangs out with a talking parrot. I’m genuinely ??? on this guy’s hypothetical gender orientation. I’m going to say secret bisexual - it’s so secret, even he doesn’t know it. His relationship with Genavive is also cute. 4/10 gay

Rothbart (Barbie in Swan Lake)

Gay but busy. He’s too worried about ruling the forest and spoiling his daughter. As far as I’m concerned, he’s a DILF. 8/10 gay + DILF

Prince Daniel (Barbie in Swan Lake)

There’s not really enough of him in the movie to go off of as far as I remember? I’m going to say boringly straight. No personality. 1/10 (I gave him a pity point)

Prince Antonio (Barbie Island Princess)

Also boringly straight. He just likes to travel around and meet nice women with amnesia who can talk to animals. That’s totally not weird. 1/10

Wenlock (Barbie Magic of the Pegasus)

More like WenCOCK am I right? Goddamn this man is ugly. Not only is this man straight, he’s like a gross straight. He’s homophobic and misogynistic. If you told him you were a lesbian to try and get him to stop hitting on you he’d ask if he could watch. -5/10 gay

Baker (Barbie in Swan Lake)

Poor dude doesn’t even have a name. Not gay, but still a DILF. All he wants to do is bake scrumptious treats and dote on his daughters. King shit. 8/10 DILF, 0/10 gay

Captain Candy (Barbie and the Nutcracker)

Gay for Major Mint. They’re fighting all the time, constantly disagreeing, but that’s because they’re bickering gays. Besides, they make up for it in all the right ways. 9/10 soft gay

Desmond (Barbie in 12 Dancing Princesses)

HIMBOOOOOOOO GAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! I cannot tell you how much I stan this man. Like, was he helping this woman poison the king? Yes. Was he her muscle? Yes. Does he have any thoughts? No and for that we stan. It’s his world and we’re living in it. 10/10 for being hilarious and not interested in girls.

Not gay rampantly homophobic. Disapproving of his niece Elizabeth’s bisexual lifestyle. Worried that Elizabeth will pass that on to Clara. Only tolerates Elizabeth because she could still technically end up with a man, but will probably cut her out of his life if she doesn’t. Would probably kick a family member out for being gay. 5/10 gay

King Eric (Barbie and the Nutcracker)

He gets two different reviews for his forms.

Nutcracker Version: Straight DILF. I don’t make the fucking rules. The Salt and Pepper beard and how gloomy he is as a Nutcracker make him a fixer-upper DILF. The only thing he needs now is children. 10/10 DILF, 0/10 Gay

Human Version: Twink. Honestly a bit of a disappointment and downgrade from DILF. Boringly Straight. 0/10 Gay, 0/10 DILF.

Grandfather Drosselmeyer (Barbie and the Nutcracker)

Major Mint (Barbie and the Nutcracker)

Gay in love with Captain Candy, but too proud to admit it. Kind of in the closet and avidly trying to deny it. He wants a taste of Captain Candy’s lips though, and he thinks his butt is cute. 7/10 you’ll find your way out of the closet soon babe.

Mouse King (Barbie and the Nutcracker)

Gay, but more interested in his hobbies than other gays. Like collecting statues of innocents in various formats. Or ruling the world. Also again, he turned King Eric into a hot DILF as a Nutcracker. 8/10 gay go off king.

King Randolph (Barbie in 12 Dancing Princesses)

I know this man was married and has 12 daughters, but there’s just something about him that was a little fruity. Maybe he could be a little bisexua, as a treat. Also something about men caring for their daughters make them DILFs. 9/10 DILF, 5/10 for being bi.

Prince Stefan (Barbie Rapunzel)

He’s kissed a guy once or twice and decided it wasn’t for him. He’s good at a lot of his hobbies though, so we could maybe classify him as an interesting straight. 0/10 for gayness, 5/10 for hobbies.

Preminger (Barbie Princess and the Pauper)

GAY. AS. FUCK (but we already been knew this). If you don’t know why, Google Princess and the Pauper Preminger’s song and watch the entire thing. Evil King of the Gays in my opinion. 10/10 for being the funniest villain and gay in the BCU.

We do not understand you, Michael Le. But thank you so much for sending these. It makes us not have to write as much.

Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that no longer will I be able to get through the gates with ease anymore. Sad days, didn’t need to access the system codes for entrance. Just needed to slip through this broken medal bar and off I go. They seem to have fixed the broken bar. No more trespassing 

Day 57 –

My hands are in immense PAIN!!! I believe that the rocks have hurt the feelings of my hand’s. When my hands grasp a water bottle, it is rough due to my torn-up skin creating an uneven smoothness along with less layers of protection from evil surfaces. When my hands are in use, they get red and angry back at me which I believe is why I feel pain myself

Did I just read Brain Stew...

Or did I go through hell?

So, what exactly was that? Brain Stew's mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body a forum for uncensored free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus organizations. We have been publishing for over 25 years and won Student Involvement's award for Best Sustained Program in 2012 and 2017, Best Cultural Awareness Programming in 2018, Best Overall Program in 2020, as well as awards from the National Collegiate Honors Council in 2017, 2018, and 2020.

Can I add my shit? Of course! We take submissions through email: brainstew@umsl.edu

Disclaimer: We offer no content guidelines beyond those of federal, state, and local law. All content is the responsibility of the original creator. UMSL, PLHC, PLHCSA, and the Brain Stew staff are in no way obligated to print anything. So, send us what you want, have a little laugh if you dare, and don't come for us!

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