I hope after reading this letter, you are more inclined to join us in our celebration. If not, go open a textbook. And if you refuse to educate yourself, go suck an egg.
Before you crack open this issue full of hilarious memes, piping hot British tea, and overall celebration that Queen Lizzy finally kicked the bucket, take a moment to ask yourself Am I ready to read this issue? Or am I going to get mad at the Brain Stew team for celebrating the death of a horrible monarch?
Do you really know anything about the British Monarchy and the Royals? Have you bothered to seek out sources that may not have been written by the white supremacist side of history? If so, great! If not, and you’re going to be butthurt that we’re “kicking the monarchy” while they’re “down”, close this issue and go read a goddamn textbook.
BrainSincerely,Stew.
We are well within our rights to make fun of the monarchy and their “loss”. And we stand with our comrades in England who are being unjustly arrested while trying to protest their monarchy.
Actually educate yourself on the creation of the concentration camp (which came from the Brits), and what the actual British reign was like for people of color (fucking awful for many terrible, terrible years). Additionally, take into consideration that one of them has actively been caught partaking in a pedophile ring and suffered no consequences from it, due to Mommy Lizzy’s protection.And this is just scratching the surface of the atrocities the Royals have committed and swept under the rug over the years.
Beloved Readers of Brain Stew,
If your answer is yes, you will be mad, but you feel inclined to hate-read this issue, II ask you to consider one thing before continuing:
Free Space lol
WOOOO MONARCHANOTHERDOWN!
GOD SAVE THE QUEEN EXCEPT YOU CAN’T CAUSE SHE’S DEAD!!! *cracks some shitty beer open from the side of the can and drinks it like that, beer foam drenching his beard and everyone around him*
This could be an interesting and tumultuous time for England, and really the United Kingdom as a whole. I know there are protests being silenced in England itself right now, but Ireland and scotland could also have a good chance to separate themselves…. *transcript lost due to interviewer falling asleep*
Any thoughtsnow that another royal has died and Brain Stew is reporting on it?
Quit asking me questions about Europe. I have not lived there in many years. Möge die Königin mit Hitler persönlich in der Hölle schmoren.
ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST!
ALL HAIL KING R. KELLY REVEREND CHARLES?!
CHARLES: Until the next one comes through.
CAMILLA (laughing): What are you going to turn into, a pair of knickers? (Both laugh). Oh, you’re going to come back as a pair of knickers.
CHARLESidea.:
Right: Did you know that “Rob” is the official nickname for Charles? For some reason.
CHARLES: That’s true.
My luck to be chucked down a lavatory and go on and on forever swirling round on the top, never going down. CAMILLA (laughing): Oh darling!
CAMILLA: A box of Tampax, so you could just keep going.
CHARLES: Oh, God. I’ll just live inside your trousers or something. It would be much easier!
The following is the REAL transcript of a phone call between King Charles (nee Prince Charles) and Queen Consort Camilla (nee “The Rottweiler”) from 1989 when he was still married to Diana, who he married when he was 32 and she was 20. He was dating Camilla back when Diana was 12. They met when Diana was 10. This is not fake news. It was real news in 1989.
CAMILLA: You are a complete idiot! (Laughs) Oh, what a wonderful
CAMILLA: Oh, perhaps you could just come back as a box. CHARLES: What sort of box?
Left: Charles and Camilla, dating in the early 70s.
CHARLES: Or, God forbid, a Tampax. Just my luck! (Laughs)
CAMILLA: Repeating yourself … (laughing). Oh, darling, oh I just want
Middle: Diana when they were dating
Name:____________________________
1. Which of the following is a picture of Queen Lizzie’s beautiful smile?
Brain Stew’s Queen Elizabeth pop quiz, worth 42.0% of the points toward your Honors Certificate. No outside texts allowed. Do not work with a partner. Be sure to fill in the ovals fully, using #69 pencil only.
C. Where is this oval I'm supposed to fill in?
2. Which of the following is a picture of Queen Lizzie’s royal “scepter,” if you know what we mean, and we think you do?
3. Which of the following celebs is the most sad about Queen Lizzie kicking the bucket?
A. B. C.
C. All of the above. And by above, I mean to the left.
A. B.
A. B.
For Luz
Do y'all ever think the food at Provincial House is not up to par? Well, you're in luck! Ian Mccormick is a certified see food caterer. See food is simply when Ian chews food, and shows his mouth to an audience. It's beautiful, but it's more than that. I personally like eating his chewed up sushi rolls because his saliva turns them into baby food. It's fascinating that the saliva also doesn't interfere with the cocktail of flavors in the roll. In fact, his vape breath sweetens every dish he serves me.
So if you ever order a meal, don't eat it. Have Ian come over and chew it up for you!
'See Food' It's Better than Sushi
With his years of experience chewing foods of all kinds, eating what appears to be a pile of grits has been the most savory meal I've had. A lot of people think it's disgusting. But to be honest, it's a meal that bypasses chewing(which can be a pain in the a$$ cheeks). It's even more instant than ramen! With colors of yellow, green, and brown, you certainly get all of the nutrients on the food pyramid.
Brain Stew says: this cute, catchy little number ends the Abbey Road album. The important part is “someday I’m gonna make her mine,” which raises the question of whether or not Sir Paul and Elizabeth ever did any humping.
Her Majesty is a pretty nice girl But she doesn't have a lot to say Her Majesty is a pretty nice girl But she changes from day to day I wanna tell her that I love her a lot But I gotta get a belly full of wine Her Majesty is a pretty nice girl Someday I'm gonna make her mine, oh yeah Someday I'm gonna make her mine
Goodbye England's rose; may you ever grow in our hearts. You were the grace that placed itself where lives were torn apart. You called out to our country, and you whispered to those in pain. Now you belong to heaven, and the stars spell out your name. And it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind: never fading with the sunset when the rain set in.
#4 – “Candle in the Wind 1997” by Elton John
And your footsteps will always fall here, among England's greenest hills; your candle's burned out long before your legend ever will.
Brain Stew’s Top Five Songs about Queen Elizabeth!
Brain Stew says: First, this song (both versions) sucks a giant bag of you know what. It’s sappy and maudlin, and we hate it. Second, no, this song is not exactly about Elizabeth. It’s about Princess Diana. But guess what? Remember Elizabeth’s reaction, or lack thereof, to Diana’s death? Yeah, a high point for the monarchy. Remember that before you accuse us of insensitivity please. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY remember why 20 year old Diana and 32 year old Charles got married in the first place? Elizabeth and PP hated Camilla for one thing. Chucky dated her FIRST. But she was not royal material, according to the family. We assume this means that Diana was more closely related to Chucky, like how Elizabeth and PP were cousins. (Note: we aren’t trying to hide the fact that they were third cousins; we actually have nothing against incest at all. We married The Current in 2011. It didn’t work, but that’s because The Current was an abusive alcoholic. We set fire to his bed, and now he no longer exists in paper form. We’d totally bone Bellerive too, and she’s our younger twin sister (somehow). Hubba hubba! Litmag, though, looks like a rottweiler)
#5 “Her Majesty” by the Beatles
Is not what she seems Oh God save history God save your mad parade
No future No future for you God save the queen We mean it man
God save the queen
In your human machine We're the future
"I say, Charles, don't you ever crave To appear on the front of the Daily Mail Dressed in your Mother's bridal veil?" Ooh, ooh, ooh And so I checked all the registered historical facts And I was shocked into shame to discover How I'm the 18th pale descendant of some old queen or other
Don't be told what you want Don't be told what you need There's no future
They made you a moron A potential H bomb
GodTruss.save the queen
God save the queen
'Cause tourists are money And our figurehead
Your future
No future No future No future for me No future No future No future for you
Brain Stew says: Sure, this is an obvious and clichéd pick for number two. But know what? F*** you. It f***ing rocks. Still. And rhyming “queen” with “being,” pronounced “bean”? Genius! There’s some poetry term for that, we’re sure. But even though we’d do butt stuff with Bellerive, that doesn’t mean we like poetry. Also, eat the rich. Inflation in Britain might not be as bad as in the 70s, but it’s only a matter of time, Liz
#2 – “God Save the Queen” by the Sex Pistols.
Oh Lord God have mercy All crimes are paid
The fascist regime
We love our queen God saves
#3 – “The Queen is Dead” by the Smiths
In the dustbin We're the poison
She's not a human being and There's no future And England's dreaming
Brain Stew says: So many things to talk about here! First, excellent job, Morrisey! You correctly predicted Elizabeth’s death more than 30 years ago. We mean, you didn’t predict the year or anything, but you said the queen is dead. And now she is. Good job. Second, this is far from the best song on this album, even though it is awesome. We like “Some Girls are Bigger than Others” and “There is a Light that Never Goes Out” more. “Vicar in a Tutu” might not be better, but the title certainly is. Last, Dan Gerth claims to have owned a t shirt that said “Morrisey is a twat” in 1993. He can’t prove this, but apparently the shirt did exist once upon a time, regardless of whether or not he owned said shirt. Also, the shirt is correct. We love you, Johnny Marr.
Oh when there's no future
How can there be sin We're the flowers
What if she is not sucking?
Just call me the Gangster of Love
say you want to be down with willie d But yet you find it difficult to listen to me Every time you fuck up and skip a class Ima put my goddamn foot in your *** And if your father wants to buck up I'll beat the wrinkles out the old *********** I treat a ***** like a QUEEN, But she's got to realize I'm the goddamn king Some jealous punk in town Told my girl I was ******* around and she's still down. To do the same You've got to have game You want to know my name? ? ?
#1 – “Gangster of Love (Gangster Boogie)” by the Geto Boys
If the ***** won't give up the play **** her, move along to the next trick See I'm the type of ***** tell a girl suck ****!
Cause I don't need a ******* dumbie!
Brain Stew says: Yes, this song is about the queen. We asked Willie D. Check stanza five. Also, this is the best song Steve Miller ever wrote.
That's a waste of time and conversation, I'm not ******* I'll just put my ******* pants on And tell the idiotic freak to take her tramp ass home!
I like ******
Just call me the Gangster of Love
Gangster Boogie, Gangster Boogie!! Gangster Boogie, Gangster Boogie!! Gangster Boogie, Gangster Boogie!! Gangster Boogie, Gangster Boogie!! (*Gun Shot*)
If the ***** is acting stupid, she has gotta go! So mother **** the Miss Sag If she ***** with me, Ima kick her little ****** ass!
All kind of *******, To take off my shirt And pull down my britches If she's got big ******* I squeeze 'em and hold'em While she suck my **** and lick my scrotum And if she got a friend I'll **** her too Together we can play a game of switcheroo I ain't the type who gets all mushy I like to sit back And watch them eat each other's *****! Weak people might say we're insane But that's the other ******' level of the game I'll turn your sister out if she ***** with me You want to know my identity? ? ?
See you whores got it wrong!
I got to educate you brothers
I need a ***** to lick my ****, until my **** is ****** And after that you'll earn your gloves HAHA! ~ just call me the gangster of love
I'm a ************ I put a ***** through a test. If she don't pass, she don't get blessed! If the test consist of ****** my whole crew Well *****, ********* that's what you gotta Youdo.
I've never been played by a ho!
Just call me the Gangster of Love
Think since some ***** said he loves you, he ain't strong *****, you're taking **** the wrong way And I can tell right now, it's gonna be a long day!
The public outcry and anger were mostly aimed toward the Queen’s guard who massively failed to protect their Queen against some pretty sick moves. Though they did fight valiantly in the ring, Roman Reigns single handedly took out 20 of them. Every first move was a Superman Punch which Reigns used as a setup for the Spear, which is one of his most popular finishing moves. The Queen’s guard looked like toy soldiers as Reigns launched some of their stupid looking hats 30, sometimes 40, feet into the crowd. The Queen’s guard released a public statement that had only one line: “we ain’t about that life”
Queen F*ckin DIES After Getting RKO’d at Royal Rumble!!
Prince Phillip also died during the incident, though he was not murdered. While trying to climb into the ring to stop Lizzy from brawling, one of the stadium lights got into his eyes, causing all 100 of his remaining brain cells to spontaneously combust, killing him instantly. The Undertaker, who was also in the ring grabbed Phillip’s lifeless corpse and proceeded to Tombstone Piledriver him until his bloodlust was satisfied. The Undertaker then kindly undertook Philip’s corpse and provided a beautiful coffin made from English oak and lined with lead. Prince Philip will be gravely missed by all citizens of the United Kingdom, but most can agree they were “expecting him to drop dead any minute, every minute, for the past 20 years.”
This past week her Majesty the Queen, Elizabeth ll, got the living shit beat out of her at the Royal Rumble by Randy Orton “The Apex Predator”, who instantly killed the Queen after an epic RKO slam. Members of the crowd reported that it sounded like 33 separate gunshots as every single one of the Queen’s vertebrae snapped clean in half. No one knows quite why the Queen was there that day, some believe it has something to do with the event itself being called the “Royal Rumble”. When asked how the hell the Queen managed to get in the ring, staff said “Oi I’m nat gunna bee da one ta tell da Queen she cannt tussle if she wants ta, that bloody bitch threatendd ta send mi and ma famili ta da dungeons under Windsor fur bringin er a Bombe glacée royale ice cream instead a chocolate biscit cake like shee was wantin” Randy Orton has expressed extreme remorse after the incident and continues to state that it was an accident “look man, when I get into Apex Predator mode I am THE VIPER. I kill everything that moves in the ring. I lock onto my target and BLAMMM I f*cking merk their ass. Straight smoke. No lie. If she didn’t want it she should have stayed far away from these pythons! Shouldn’t the old hag be drinking tea and eating biscuits or something? Her mistake for thinkin I wouldn’t RKO her through the ring. I should have Superplexed her ass, can I get a HHHOOOO YAAAA.” (After making this statement Orton rescinded his apology because “alpha sigma apex predator vipers” “don’t apologize”).
Notably, the only people who have not seemed bothered by the gruesome display were Charles and Horse Face. Charles and Horse Face were seen giggling and laughing maniacally as each bone snapped. Crowd members all the way in the top ring report hearing Charles loudly say “without Mummy I can stay up late and have a YUMMY YUMMY sticky toffee for DINNER!” and “at least I won’t have to rub her nasty crusty ass toes anymore, oh JOY!” Horse Face was heard neighing with excitement at the thought. Charles fed her a sugar cube and said “what a good girl”
Overall for British “people” it was a devastating night and one of great sorrow….yadda yadda ya. FOR AMERICANS it was an epic f*ckin bloodbath that the founding fathers would have been proud of. The most dead British by American hands since what must have been the war of 1812. Eagles flew overhead and fireworks shot off outside as the American people celebrated their great victory. Megan Markle was personally responsible for setting off a red white and blue 1000 gram sparkle firework shell (Prince Harry was found across the street at the Home Depot pressing the ice maker buttons).
MINION VS SHREK
Moving Forward
The Honors College Glory Hole is now open for student job opportunities! Currently planned to be staffed 24 hours a day, the Honors College is in dire need of support. While the pay might leave more to be desired, remember that you are changing other students' lives by allowing them to destress from the hardships of college. Submit your application to Honors College Dean, Edward Munn Sanchez before it's too
*Restrictionslate!* Apply
Creating the Perfect Revision
September 16th,2022
UMSL Architects Reveal Provincial House Renovations
Students have long known about the upcoming revisions to the hundred year old Provincial House building, which has thus far been used to house U niversity of Missouri Saint Louis' Honors College. Recently, Students attended a meet and greet wit h the architects to voice their opinions on what the UMSL board of directors should spend their $12 million in renovation funds on. Unfortunately, what the board ultimately decided on was not the creation of the long anticipated Owlery Chapel wing, but the installation of Provincial Hous e's first Student run Glory Hole! Using the finest dri ll and ducktape technology, the Honors College h as opened the door for a whole new form of stude nt involvement, while pocketing 12 million in cas h!
@umslbrainstew @UMSLBrainStew
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How to stalk:
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What the hell did I just read? “Brain Stew's mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body a forum for uncensored free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus organizations,” yak yak yak! We publish A LOT OF THINGS. Like, things that make Ed regret ever taking a job at the Honors College! We’ve been publishing since 1991 (or 1993). Longer than Dan’s car has been running, somehow. We must be doing a good job though. Despite our best efforts, grown ups keep giving us awards stuff like Best Sustained Program in 2012 and 2017, and Best Cultural Awareness Program in 2018. Even some shady committee called the “National Collegiate Honors Council” gave us awards in 2017, 2018, and Program of the Year in 2020.
You Have Been Reading Brain Stew!