Collegians a Great Back-to-School Season in Heart & Ass-Filled Welcome This Past Saturday
UMSL Res Life Receives Backlash after Mushroom Foraging Event Goes Awry
All in all, Choi added nothing of value to the campus life of college students in Missouri. If you didn't attend the welcome, you didn't miss out. If you did attend, you can reach UMSL Counseling Services at 314 420 6969.
The UM System held a welcome back event this past Saturday at the University of Missouri in Columbia to welcome in the new school year. President Mun Choi, who has been f*&@ing all the UM System schools in the ass that isn't Mizzou, spoke at the event and was the center of attention at the event. There, Choi gave his regular welcome speech, the same one he's been giving for the past six years, before greeting students personally. Choi has a history of giving preferential treatment to Mizzou and its students, but this year we were hopeful. That hope was soon obliterated when Choi forgot the other three schools' names throughout his speech. At one point, the Dr. President Chancellor addressed Mizzou four consecutive times before saying, "oh shit, there's three more of these schools I oversee." Students all weighed in on the visit. "Honestly, I was surprised to see that Choi actually showed up to the Welcome Back Event on campus. He normally bails out unless he’s guaranteed a salary increase within the next year or he’s high off his ass. I suppose he must’ve been high since he hasn’t put his house up on the market for a larger one.”
UMSL Residential Life and Housing is getting slandered after its most recent on campus event takes a turn for the worst. The event, called "Friends, Foraging, and Food," did not go as the Residential Assistants planned.Itwas supposed to be a fun event where students went outside and around Oak Hall, Provincial House, and the overall surrounding area to forage for mushrooms while making friends. Students were then going to be given the opportunity to consume, snort, or otherwise ingest their mushrooms while eating from a taco bar. But that was soon not the case after one of the freshmen students, unnamed in this article, ingested a mushroom prior to the allotted time to do so. This mushroom just so happened to be one of Missouri's poisonous types; the student misidentified a Big Laughing Gym mushroom for that of its edible look alike, a Chanterelle. When the student began foaming at the mouth and his lips turned dark blue, other students noticed something might be wrong. The RA on call received a fairly frantic call from the RAs working the event, asking her to call 911. Paramedics arrived on scene and the student was able to receive medical attention before any irreversible damage occurred.
UMSL Res Life says this is going to be the last time they attempt any other events that might be considered risky. Also, as a precaution, Residential Life and Housing has also announced it will be replacing all grass with mulch in an attempt to rid South Campus of all fungal growth so this cannot happen again.
Garth Garmuc, UMKC Junior Student Has Opportunity to Speak with Choi Personally After Welcome Event
Important PSA for all graduatingseniors: Apply for graduation or risk being shot on site!
The Provincial House Times“All the News, Whether it’s Fit to Print or Not!” September 2, 2022 LATE EDITION TODAY: Wanna do shrooms together? COST: $4.20
Any students who show up to graduation who had not applied to do so a year in advance will be
UM System President Mun Choi Wishes
Interviewer Lena Duke, Rolla S&T student and local whore asked Mun Choi after his welc0me speech what motivates him to continue his work with the UM System. Choi, a man of simple words, replied “Money,” with a large grin before walking off. Duke then told us that while walking away from her, Choi let out a small bark of excitement before pulling out a joint and smoking it inside the Mizzou gymnasium. He left the event shortly after.
Managing the College Reading Load Oh no, how can I possibly read all of this? RSVP Here!!! Learn not just strategies for managing reading but also learn about different types of reading styles and how to best match them with the types of reading assignments you have this semester. Monday, September 12, 3:30PM - 4:30PM in Seton Classroom at the Honors College Thanks Dan and Audri!
HEY YOU! ELECTIONS FRESHMAN/TRANSERFORREP WILL RUN SEPT. 5 THRU SEPT. 9!!!!!!!! YOUR CANDIDATES ARE… KARA JOHNSON MEREDITHJOSIAHALYSSASTROUDCUTTNINILEWISAYRES GUADALUPE QUIROZ ANNA O’BRIEN AND ANYONE ELSE WHO BARELY MADE THE DEADLINE BUT DIDN’T APPLY FAST ENOUGH TO GET THEIR NAME HERE And also Alex Entwistle great thanks.
Ann Torrusio Millionaire Wannabe To be honest, I don't care. Never cared and I'm not about to start now. I'm on a teacher's salary when they fix this issue and start paying the people who practically raise their children then maybe, just MAYBE I will start to care. But nope, it's 2022 and I still get paid jack shit for having to advise and teach some people I hope to never see again. I mean how did I even get roped into this bull crap? And don't even get me started on those PLHCSA students. God, I wish you never asked me such a horrible question.
Kim Baldus Life Coach Hmm, what an intriguing question. Out of all nine of my PhDs, I can’t say Economics is one of them but I can give it a shot. To be honest, I think the U.S. is so far down the shitter that we’ve reached a point of no return. I think, however, there is stuff we can do to alleviate some of the trillions of dollars of this debt. For example, to reduce military and war spending we can take a more feminst approach to life by killing all men and dying our hair blue.
What is the best way for the U.S. to get out of debt?
Christoph Schiessl Local German Boy Warum fragst du mich das, ich bin kein EnglishAmerikaner?Translation: Why the f@#k are you asking me this shit question? I’m not a stupid American! Do I look American? Or even sound American? NO! Don’t ever approach me again and ask such asinine questions again.
Brain Stew Submission Le
Michael
This is not a V2 climb at all. This was meant to be super easy when in reality whoever put this label here to indicate it is easy was a joke, more specifically the main culprit for this doing is probably Hailey from Alabama (cough cough). Been at this one for 2 days and still unable to reach the top, so infuriating >:(
Bean Bean be like: Ayo ma You lookin finer than these jumbo Beggin Strips frl bbg
What if my crack line is short?
Many people have heard of reading the lines of palms. This technique gives you the insight to things such as: health, marriage, and fate. While these are the most popular lines to read, many people aren't as familiar with reading the crack line. Located on the buttocks, this lines gives you a look into a person's state of mind. The lines read on palms are ruled by celestial bodies like the sun or Venus. The crack line is ruled by Uranus, giving the crack a deep mysterious outlook. Now that we have covered the basic idea of the crack line, grab a mirror and let's take a look into what Uranus has in store for you.
With a short crack line, it can be speculated that you are an angry individual. Many short cracks resemble a short temper. This can mean you have trouble being happy in life, since no one wants to be around you ever. You are also probably are bald. What if my crack is long?
A Beginners Guide to Psychic Readings
If your crack is long, then you may be really wise. People often come to you for advice, because you have a steady head. This is often seen as a blessing and a curse, due to people assuming you have the answers to everything even when you don't. You also probably stink.
If you have a medium sized crack, you are very lucky. Your life will be a breeze, and many people envy your fortune. There's not much to say because you're perfect, but yeah 10/10 crack. What if my crack is not linear?
What if my crack is medium?
If you have an abnormal shaped crack, for example a circle or square, you may be living a very difficult life. This usually signifies you have a deep perspective on life, but also a very optimistic one. People are drawn to your unique energy. You also stink a lot.
Katherine
August
Cockfighting refers to the practice of breeding male chickens selecting for aggression, torturing them to agitate them further, and throwing two of them in a ring together to fight until one is either severely injured or dead. And any person who has any morality would want this practice outlawed. But that's not the only thing that comes to mind when you hearWhat"cockfighting."elsecomes to mind? Don't pretend you're too innocent and clean minded to know. That's right. Cock. And you're not thinking of cock as in rooster, because no one calls them that anymore. You're thinking of the most popular modern meaning of the word: cock as in penis. So what does that have to do with Dan? He voted to ban cockfighting, and as someone who values animal rights, he's proud to tell everyone about it. That's what he wants you to see. He doesn't want you to see the truth. The truth being that he wanted to ban cockfighting because he couldn't bear to think about cocks. Cocks. Penises. Phalluses. That's what he sees every time he hears the word "cockfighting." To be a heterosexual man? Having to think about penises? Absolutely unacceptable (unless it's his own of course; straight men love to talk about that). So there you have it, folks. You may have thought we finally found a rare gem: a good, morally intact old white man. But pretending to care about animals is only a facade to hide his rampant homophobia. He is so afraid of gayness that he will go to any means to avoid hearing the word "cock."
You probably won't believe my conspiracy, especially if you took Dan's Animal Studies course. He must truly care about animals after everything he's taught us. He's even a vegetarian now! Or maybe… he's just so desperate to cling to his good image that he had to really commit to this whole not treating animals like shit thing. If you want to ascertain the truth, I need you to complete a simple test: next time you see Dan, before saying anything else, aggressively say "cock!" and observe his reaction. If he seems taken aback, you'll know I'm right.
Raging Homophobe? Bishop 03 2022 In the 1980s or some other decade telling of how old the former Ass Dean is, Dan Gerth voted to ban cockfighting in Missouri To which you might think, "Good for him! We love an old white man who is against animal cruelty! Most old white men are all for every kind of cruelty, so this is really impressive!" (Unless the cruelty we're talking about is someone making fun of them on the internet, then they are vehemently against it and their feelings will hurt so much that they'll have to lean into fascism more and make sure children in schools aren't allowed to learn about the bad things old white men have done )
Dan Gerth: Animal Rights Activist or
Well, if you think it's great that he voted to ban cockfighting, maybe you should think again. Of course, banning animal fighting that only serves to hurt said animals and feed human greed and entertainment is a cause to be celebrated. But perhaps Gerth's intentions aren't as progressive as he'd like us to think…
Nancy Gleason, PLHC Ass Dean
Emeritus
Women have a right to abortion. It’s the most rational stance to take on the issue. You can’t make someone keep something in their body. I dislike republicans very much, politicians mostly, but not always. They have stupid ideas and don’t know shot about the world outside of the United States. They are xenophobic and they cling to evangelical Protestant Christianity, which is the most idiotic belief system on earth. At least be Catholic, which has a great history of success and bringing Europe together. What is Protestant Christianity other than a bunch of morons who took the tradition out of something that was already stupid. That being said, here are some thoughts… Clearly the vaccines were very dangerous and they don’t work. For whatever reason we were tricked into taking these damn things. That is something that needs to be talked about. This should never have happened! It’s not fair to be forced to do something dangerous to your body. It’s not fair to make a woman give birth to a baby and it’s not fair to make someone take a medicine that could kill them. That’s common sense to any freedom loving person. It’s too bad Americans have fallen away from that. We all know how dumb Americans are and the only upside of our nonsense culture is freedom. You can pretend to be anyone you want to be and you can make your own reality in this country. It’s about freedom and if we don’t have that then we are just a bunch of idiots without a culture or freedom. Also, the Ukraine thing is total bullshit. The Ukrainians and Americans are the ones at fault for refusing to recognize the sovereignty of the Donbas. These people are RUSSIAN! They speak Russian and have nothing to do with Ukraine. Also, what the heck is Ukraine? The language and culture used to be considered Ruthenian. That was always the name of this country bumpkin Slavic language, NOT UKRAINIAN! It’s mostly a mix between Polish and Russian, which both have long histories of being major languages of vast portions of Eatern Europe. We live in a country that kills babies for oil and gives weapons to terrorists. We can do that and then be mad at Russia? For what? Russia is a little dove compared to the evils of this country. Russia started this military operation in Ukraine to save the people in the Donbas. We are supporting Ukraine to kill Russians and to weaken a country we think is an enemy. Putin has done nothing to me or to anyone I know. He seems like a level headed person in more ways than one and clearly does not want to kill Ukrainian citizens. The United States on the other hand didn’t give a shit about trying to save lives in Iraq. We killed a million people and our whole country will feel the pain of karma from this. We deserve God’s wrath for the evils we brought to the poor Iraqis. The innocent and beautiful Arab women and girls that were assaulted by dumbass white trash psychopaths from nowhere Oklahoma. The sickening old white men that thought up these wars from boardrooms in DC. We will see what comes of this evil in the near Infuture.many
ways I hate this country. We are the terrorists on the world stage and we ruin lives. Who am I kidding? It’s not “we.” It’s the elites and the crony capitalists that commit these horrible acts, but it’s supposed to be a democracy. Democracy my ass! We live in a oligarchy where the richest among us rule. Voting is just for show and a waste of time when you only have two parties that think the same exact freaking thing. I love the country too because I like freedom and getting cheap hamburgers whenever I feel, but we’re losing that. We don’t have what we used to. We have more censorship than ever and “defense” contractors run our whole freaking country.
I went to New Orleans the week before school started, and not only did I take pictures, I also drew some stuff! So you get to look at some of that now. We went to the Museum of Death, where they did not allow you to take photos due to the enormous amounts of animal bones and taxidermy they have in there. I’m talking they had a full horse skeleton, a full elephant skeleton, an alligator/crocodile skeleton, as well as severely human skeletons somehow. It was creepy and super cool as well because the rest of the museum is about serial killers and their paraphernalia. They even had graphic crime scene and morgue photos. The amount of stuff that would have been considered evidence during a case was astonishing. The museum is small, but definitely was super cool. The thing that really fascinated me enough to draw it was the “Mourning Doll”, which looks like a baby skeleton dressed up in a little Victorian nightgown and bonnet. It would be given to mothers who had lost children in childbirth. Super creepy!Thisnext drawing is from one of the many Voodoo Museums in New Orleans and to be honest the one we went to was a little disappointing. It was two rooms, and while there was some interesting information and artifacts displayed (also no photography allowed), it being small and cluttered made it the most meh part of our trip. But I did really like the crocodile mask on the mannequin in the first room. It was the only thing I wished I had gotten to take a picture of. Anyway here is the artist rendition of the cool ritual crocodile mask in his safari gear, and a hat that looked suspiciously similar to the hat my partner had bought for our trip.
Aimee’s New Orleans Adventure
The coolest bar experience I had was at a bar (the name of which I have since forgotten) owned by a guy named Evil Bob (pictured left). One of our friends found his place because Evil Bob’s wife, who worked at a different bar, recommended we go give him some business. Also she gave our friends a message to deliver to him, but I don’t remember what it was. He was super friendly, and just generally super cool and chill. He also gave our friend, Tony, his third/fourth shot of Malort, the worst Chicago alcohol ever to be made, which was funny.
Aimee’s New Orleans Adventure Cont. Aside from the general gothic theme of Evil Bob’s bar, the coolest feature was, surprisingly, the bathrooms hidden behind a very realistic looking bookcase wall. Evil Bob had this faux bookcase wall to the left of his ice machine, and if you’re drunk, you cannot see the gendered signs showing you which bathroom is recommended to you, nor the handles. Even sober it’s super hard to find, but the fact that you have to make this discovery completely overshadows the fact that it looks like every bar bathroom ever. My friends and I marveled at that for a while, so here’s this really shitty sketch rendition of it.
Aimee’s New Orleans Adventure Cont. Animals I saw in New Orleans Scooby Doo Party Bus on Bourbon St. A frog we met on our rental car. He peed on me! :D Me at the NOMA trinketvulgarSuperin a TrapOrleansNewTouristshop Nunnery from our Ghost Tour (supposedly I got ghost orbs) Cute cup from the end of the best tour ever, the cocktail tour, Thank you again for getting us drunk Beth!
5. I didn’t know I cursed so loud. Really. I’m over here cursing like a sailor thinking it’s all fine and dandy, and then I realize I say a lot of bad words in one sentence and you guys aren’t. You’re making me feel like I am talking in a room full of little children. I feel like I’m going to get in trouble or something.
The Woes of a Misfit… by a College Misfit
1. I CAN WALK ON THE GRASS. I’m not joking. It’s a new concept that I still cannot wrap my head around. Every time I cut through the grass, it’s like, “Oh, shit, I’m walking through grass…wait nobody’s here to yell at me about it.”
I know you guys have already labeled us military folks. First of all, if you think we we’re some crazy ass bastards, then I applaud you. We don’t call ourselves the misfits for nothing. Don’t get me wrong, we trained physically and mentally and sacrificed ourselves for our country, and yada yada, but when we get out, what we are left with is the task of unlearning everything. Here, I made a list:
7. Usually, when a higher ranked person is talking to you, you stand. It’s so weird to be sitting there just having a conversation with my teacher. I’ve gotten over it, but still. It feels wrong.
3. My hands can stay in my pockets. Yeah, that was a rule. If you need proof, I can rattle off the AR real quick. It feels so wrong to stand there with my hands in my pockets. Now I do it all the time. It’s me being defiant of my military habits.
8. I stand and walk with my hand in a fist. It’s what you do when marching and standing at attention, so I do it instinctively. But you guys don’t do that. I’m walking behind one of you guys, see your hand NOT in a fist, and then I try for the next two minutes to not walk with my hand in a fist. (I promise, I am not a stalker, I’m just so focused on fixing my hand that I forget I am.)
4. I don’t get your humor and you don’t get mine. It’s unfortunate. For you, I mean. You all are missing out.
2. I can walk and talk on my phone. Yeah, I know. Every single one of you guys does it, and I am over here glaring at you until I remember it’s normal. (If you’re reading this, you’ve probably figured out a lot of these involve “What not to do while walking.” You couldn’t do anything while walking in uniform. You had to stop in the middle of the sidewalk.)
6. The idea of being 10 15 minutes early is so ingrained in me. I know it’s supposedly a good thing, but it doesn’t feel good to be the only one there outside the classroom. The first day of my classes, I was worrying, thinking I’m in the wrong place. No, I was in the right place, everybody else just showed up on time.
9. I have mastered the sidestep. When I bump into someone, I sidestep. You guys back up. Its weird. But you guys didn’t have to stand shoulder to shoulder in the chow line and sidestep down the counter with your tray. Consider yourselves lucky (and untrained in cafeteria etiquette).
10. I’m wearing tennis shoes (PT shoes) all day, every day. I was so happy to not wear my boots anymore, and instead, I’m missing them. Plus, my feet hurt a lot more now. It doesn’t make sense. (Well, it does, but I don’t like it.)
Blessing Your Eyes With WeekesDallon
THANKS AIDAN VERY COOL BOTTOM TEXT
Hot damn, what was all that? My sibling in Christ, “Brain Stew's mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body a forum for uncensored free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus organizations,” yeah you get it by now. We eat trash, skate fast, and kick ass! Not necessarily in that order. We’ve been publishing since 1991 (or 1993). Longer than Dan’s car has been running, somehow. We must be doing a good job though. Despite our best efforts, grown ups keep giving us awards stuff like Best Sustained Program in 2012 and 2017, and Best Cultural Awareness Program in 2018. Even some shady committee called the “National Collegiate Honors Council” gave us awards in 2017, 2018, and Program of the Year in 2020.
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