Brain Stew, 21-22, Issue 7

What did you dress up as for Halloween this year?

Dan Gerth: This year I went as a guy who kills people who ask stupid questions. Oh, why am I holding a knife?

Don’t worry about it.

Audri Adams: This year I took Halloween as an opportunity to make a difference. My costume was a social commentary on consuming animals. I dressed up as a cute little moo cow, then I infiltrated different steak houses and threw myself on top people’s plates. If they tried to remove me, I would start screaming and mooing about wanting to live. I really think I made a difference!

Alexander Entwizzler: This year I dressed up as my idol, Dan Gerth. PLHCSA will never be as good as Brain Stew, nor have we won nearly as many awards.

But maybe, if I emulate Dan, we could be half as cool as Brain Stew someday.

A Full, 1000% Accurate Review of the Haunted Honors Experience The last PLHCSA event of the year, Haunted Honors is usually the one they hype up the most. This year’s event had mixed reviews from both students and the homeless man who squats in the Villa communal bathrooms. The students were in general agreement that it was fun and a cool experience; the homeless man thought he tripped balls so hard he ended up in the Twilight Zone, so he threw his feces around Villa Hall and at young children in the surrounding neighborhoods of Normandy and Bel-Nor. The first part of the experience was walking to Provincial House in the dark (spooky and so intentional). Almost as spooky as the fact they used to cook dead nuns in the basement.

PLHCSA conveniently chose the day after Halloween to hold the event so it would be easier to scare Honors students in the hungover and sleep deprived state they were in. After heading into the building, we were met by one of the gatekeepers of PLHCSA ushering us to sign over our left kidneys under the guise of a waiver. Thankfully, PLHCSA let the nursing majors cut them out, so at least they somewhat understood what to do.

Although, my stitches are a very bright shade of green, and I think I have gangrene. Makes the experience way cooler though!

After we had our organs harvested, we ran into the nationally recognized Brain Stew advisor Dan, who was munching on one of the harvested kidneys with Ann as he filled her in on all of the meth gators he wrangled with the editors in Florida. Man, are those things gonna come in handy! After Dan told us not to be freshman pissbabies and get scared, we were put in a waiting room that oddly resembled the purgatory of

Dante’s Inferno. Or maybe it was the Honors College Common Room. Honestly, they’re synonymous. We were told to eat candy while we waited, but I’m happy to report to you all that they were LSD tablets infused into red Starbursts. I saw God three times in the waiting room, and all he had to say was “your Cultural Traditions class’s discussions about world religion make me realize humanity truly is a bad game of The Sims”. I’m not gonna be the one to tell my professor that, but maybe God will guest speak in one of our lectures. I’m sure he’d get a kick out of asking God rhetorical questions about the creation stories.

After speaking with God, I came back down to the waiting room, where the PLHCSA gatekeeper who took our kidneys escorted us to the halls of Villa. She told us to have fun, then locked us in the hallway. We were confused, because we’re just giving the tour to ourselves? Must be on a budget. So we decided to walk forward, because it’s not like we had a choice. I think if we dared to hold up the PLHCSA agenda, we would have been shot on site so they could harvest the rest of our organs for the black market. Gotta finance these events somehow, as long as they aren’t depending on the profits made from our livers.

That would be a poor thing to gamble on.

The first hallway we went down looked like a lot of masked figures were hanged, which might’ve been racially motivated since the figures were black, but we’ll unpack that at a later date.

The masked figures started walking with us, which is cool since we have no other friends. Then all of a sudden, one of the masked figures tackles my roommate! It was dark and my vision was already terrible, but what I witnessed was the most fantastic, no-holds-barred, last man standing, hell in a cell cage match to take place since WWE in the 1990s. And it managed to occur within two incredible minutes! After my roommate had rocked and socked the masked scarer, they all seemed a little scared of

us, so we moved onto the next section. To be honest, they all kind of blurred together after this point, so I’m gonna bullet point what I can remember and give you the general idea of each section. ● After the masked figures was a butcher room I’m pretty sure, which was pretty much one of my roommates hitting the ground with an axe as people screamed and had their limbs cut off. Would have been scary if I hadn’t come back to the dorms one night tired as fuck to see her in costume. Also she bailed on our slutty pirate costumes to dress up for Haunted Honors, so that was also lame. ● I think next up was a hospital setting, which looked a lot like the room where the nursing majors took our kidneys. Lots of people in scrubs screaming for help as the doctors said “don’t worry, she’s fine!” Reminded me of when I would visit my older brother during his grippy sock vacations. ● After that (I think, the common room LSD could have skewed my memory) was a legitimate cult sacrifice. That was pretty cool. Unless it was real, then that would be unfortunate and make me an accessory to murder. Oops?

I don’t remember what was next, except for the fact we ended up outside somehow, feeling like the previous twenty minutes were not real. Then we snuck a traffic cone into Oak, which was the highlight of our night.

My review of the event is pretty nuanced. It wasn’t scary, I lost a vital organ, and had a great LSD trip. However, it was still a good experience, and the hard work the PLHCSA members put in is definitely worth recognizing. I mean, how could they manage to harvest kidneys as fast as they did, and get all that LSD on such short notice? That’s impressive. Also, the t-shirts we got from the experience were pretty fucking epic as well.

See below: (editor’s note: “below” = “top of the next page” because reasons)

For best results, turn sideways:

1. Air Bud: First

Thanksgiving

3/5

1/5

This movie surprised me for sure. I really thought this would end up being another one of those “the pilgrims and the natives shared food and everything was great” white washing history movies. But no, this movie showed the brutal truth. Air Bud and his pilgrim pups stole land and gave the natives diseases in this truthful, historical film. However, the directors did cast a CGI wolf as the dog native and I wasn’t sure how to feel about it. While there wasn’t any on screen violence, it was insinuated in the end that after treating the natives horribly, Air Bud had to resort to eating his own puppies to survive winter.

2. Air Bud JFK

I really wasn’t satisfied with this movie’s depiction of the JFK assisination. Why? It wasn’t an assasination at all!

In this movie, the secret service missed a vital piece of intel that would have equipped them to prevent the assination altogether. But Air Bud and his puppies came to save the day!

Of course no one listened to them, because they’re dogs, so they had to form their own plan. The climax of the movie was Air Bud actually taking the bullet meant for JFK. This is obviously not how it really happened, and I just felt that watching Air Bud die might be too graphic for children.

“All the News, Whether it’s Fit to Print or Not!”

The Provincial House Times 11/12/2021

LATE EDITION Yes we know we’re publishing on a Monday, for once the LATE EDITION is accurate

COST: $4.20

Disgraced Dean Ed Munn-Sanchez Condemns Louie the Triton for Advocating Vaccines (and general hygiene…)

Former Honors College Dean Ed Munn-Sanchez found himself in slightly warmer than lukewarm water recently with backlash for his criticizing of Louie the Triton for advocating vaccines. By backlash we mean an onslaught of emails from B.S. editor Mya Horn, of which many have not and will never be responded to.

With recent federal approval for vaccinations for children five to eleven years old, the university decided it would be an opportune moment to unchain Louie from his slimy shackles in the bottom of the Mark Twain Building and bring him out to advocate for our Tiny Tritons to be vaccinated. While it sounded like a myriad of painful screams, UMSL Athletics assured us that he was saying, “My arm is a little sore but it’ll give my body a protective boost that keeps me happy and healthy! Don’t wait, vaccinate! Also don’t forget to keep washing your hands!” Shortly thereafter Louie was injected with what children and parents were told was simply his booster shot, before being loaded onto a golf cart to be carried back to his pit. One of the kids licked the syringe. Legal nightmare but hey, it happens.

Former Dean Ed took a stand in the Common Room to let loose his objections. “Government propaganda … for your 5 year old!!! Do not comply! Same goes for you god damned sheep who voted for that bastard Drinky Bird!

Louie is in the pocket of that noodle necked grifter and they’re selling you a cocktail of lies. Why the hell should we take advice from a giant red newt that doesn’t even wear pants around your children? I wouldn’t let him wash anything near children, let alone their brains! By taking a spoon full of whatever the hell they put inside of those Stretch Armstrong toys I’ll live forever! Covid ain’t got jack on me, and neither do all you damned sheeple!

Is he onto something here? Or simply on something from Dan’s special stash? Hell if I know, I’m just an unpaid reporter. He gave me the husk of a stretch Armstrong that had anti-vaxx slogans sharpies all over it as well as a finger painting of him decapitating Dean Drinky Bird in exchange for letting him run his propaganda in this issue.

In Other News: Brain Stew Team Wins Jack Shit From NCHC Provenance won though and two of four B.S. editors worked on that, so we’ll consider it a win. We still partied in Florida and foraged for berries with Audri after she got kicked out of Del Taco for harassing customers who wanted to consume the moo friends. We also decided that Planned Parenthood needs to open locations next to the giant sex shops in the middle of nowhere. The humble truckers of this nation deserve access to healthcare and sex education too damnit. This also works because we know antireproductive justice people notoriously don’t fuck and as such would never visit a sex shop emporium.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FOR ALL HONORS COLLEGE STUDENTS: SET UP YOUR DAMN SCHEDULES FOR NEXT SEMESTER BEFORE ALL THE GOOD CLASSES ARE GONE

Heyo, it’s your local editor, history nerd, and overall degenerate Kenny here. This is The (S)U.S. Report, where my goal here is to share anything enacted by the Biden administration that I deem scummy, suspicious, or just isn’t being talked about enough. I’m not searching day and night for dirt on Biden and his administration. I just feel if I were to scrutinize Trump’s overall scumminess, I’d be amiss to think Biden will bring justice to the world. This is by no means a comprehensive report, but more so just whatever happens to stick out to me. These are heavily summarized, opinionated as all hell, and likely to flirt with conspiracy. I encourage everyone to research, read, and form their own opinions.

In any case, lets see some sus...

OMB Director? I hardly know her (them?)!

So, one thing that is a tad concerning is that we’re 9 months in and Biden hasn’t figured out who to have as the director of the Office of Management and Budget, the final position left to fill out his Cabinet officials. There was Neera Tanden who didn’t get nominated because Manchin was oh so triggered by her stinky Twitter history. She was also a very vocal advocate for the now determined to be false Steele Dossier that alleged collusion between Trump and Russia during the 2016 campaign. Like Stop the Steal level fervor. My how the turn tables. In the meantime she was assigned as White House staff secretary in mid October, so you know, always a spot at the table and all that jazz.

What the hell is the OMB and why is it important? If you google it our wonderful government provides useless vague ass descriptions like, “The core mission of the OMB is to serve the President of the United States in implementing his vision across the Executive Branch.” Very helpful indeed.

In short the OMB is very very important. Responsibilities include basically crafting the federal budget (that shit that can shut down the government if it isn’t in order) for the President by determining and balancing the financial needs of the 15 agencies under the executive branch. They review congressional legislation and make recommendations/ communicate the White House’s opinion on pending legislation, and adjusts major regulatory actions proposed by federal agencies.

Basically the nerve center for the executive branch who also moonlights as a messenger for the White House because the President directly telling Congress how he feels about their proposed policies is frowned upon.

As the OMB oversees all budget related shenanigans, its more concerning that there isn’t a nominated director as Democrats are aiming to use budget reconciliation to pass Biden’s lofty domestic spending package.

The acting director, Shalanda Young has been doing a great job by all benchmarks I can see, yet for some reason she’s not been nominated. Which seems like the simpler solution? Word is the Asian American and Pacific Islander Victory Fund has been pressing for Biden to nominate Nani Coloretti for the position, but the Congressional Black Caucus has been pushing for Young as well. In terms of directly contributing to Biden’s 2020 campaign their contributions were comparable, CBC having a slight edge but they don’t have shit on BigPharma which probably explains why Joey-B has been dragging his feet on the issue.

Took a Midnight Train Going Anywhere Is it really that surprising to find Biden lies about dumb shit? Like seriously?

Recently outlets have been reporting on a story Biden’s been telling that is inconsistent and more than likely just false, and I’ll elaborate further, but its really nothing new for him. Let’s go down a very brief greatest hits.

One thing Biden has in common with Donald Trump is they’re both draft dodgers. Biden received draft deferments for the Vietnam War through his undergrad and while he was in law school, when his deferments expired in 1968 he requested another deferment on account of him having asthma as a teenager. Yet he loves to talk about how much of a star athlete he was and how he was a lifeguard during the summer.

In his campaign for the 1988 Presidency Biden’s aspirations fell apart because he got caught blatantly plagiarizing speeches. One of the bigger instances was when he plagiarized British Labour Party leader Neil Kinnock’s speech multiple times, sometimes crediting him/ saying he received inspiration, and other times just saying nothing figuring why would any American listen to speeches from the leader of the British Labour Party.

It wasn’t even subtle either. Kinnock’s speech: Why am I the first Kinnock in a thousand generations to be able to get to university? [Pointing to his wife in the audience:] Why is Glenys the first woman in her family in a thousand generations to be able to get to university? Was it because all our predecessors were thick?

Biden’s speech: I started thinking as I was coming over here, why is it that Joe Biden is the first in his family ever to go to a university? [Pointing to his wife in the audience:] Why is it that my wife who is sitting out there in the audience is the first in her family to ever go to college? Is it because our fathers and mothers were not bright? Is it because I’m the first Biden in a thousand generations to get a college and a graduate degree that I was smarter than the rest?

Donald Jacobs, Jill’s father graduated with a business degree from Peirce College in Philadelphia and in 1987 in the aftermath of being caught plagiarizing Kinnock’s speech Biden admitted members on his mothers side of the family had attended college. So you know, that’s pretty fucking gross to lie about.

For a final highlight we can look at Biden’s contradictory mental masturbation regarding his own involvement with the Civil Rights Movement, both during his campaign for the 1988 presidency, and again now. On one hand theres the inconsistency of dates, which can be excused as if he was an activist he had been so over 50 years ago. More damning though is him on video during a press conference on September 17, 1987 when he said, “During the 1960s, I was in fact very concerned about the civil rights movement… I was not an activist. I worked at an all-black swimming pool in the east side of Wilmington, Delaware. I was involved in what they were thinking, what they were feeling. I was involved, but I was not out marching.

Yet there are also multiple well documented instances of Biden saying he personally marched during the Civil Rights Movement. So you know, we trust that.

Now to the lie that led me to even write this in the first place. This particular story seems to have cropped up in Biden’s campaigning lexicon around 2020 and the gist of it is he has a heartfelt interaction with an Amtrak conductor back when he was VP and it basically illustrates how he’s so so close with normal workers and he uses the train so you know, just like us.

It basically goes circa some time during his time as VP, he gets on the Amtrak and the conductor named Angelo Negri meets Biden and basically says “Golly Gee Willikers B-man you’ve rode so many miles on the Amtrak!”

Once he said 1.5 million miles, another time it was 7,000 round trips, because some random ass conductor would just know that? Also says Negri walked up saying, “Joey, baby!” and pinched Biden’s cheek because they were good friends like that? Their friendship is actually documented, in a photo of Biden attending Negri’s retirement party and through accounts supported by Negri’s daughter but still, pinching on the cheek just feels like a weird detail. Ole Mr. Amtrak (yes he called himself that once) also likes to add some *zest* by saying Negri almost got shot by the Secret Service.

In the stories he’d also mention that Negri’s Amtrak calculation was prompted by some article claiming Biden had over a million miles clocked in on Air Force One, but he didn’t officially reach that mark until September 2015. Numbers game aside the bigger hole in the story is that Negri retired from Amtrak in 1993 and died in 2014, so no matter what way you look at it things don’t line up.

I mean even CNN wrote about this and called him out, and the fact check on Google Docs is more scrupulous about my grammar than CNN is about calling out Democrat presidents. While this story isn’t even consequential in the grand scheme of things, I think it lets you into the way Biden thinks, or after so many years in politics how he instinctively acts. Just say shit that can give you the warm and fuzzies. You could be an Amtrak worker hoping to one day run into the president, or maybe you’re enough of a tool to think, “Wow! He ride train, me ride train, he just like meeeeeeee!” Lord knows they’re out there. If someone can’t relate, that’s fine. Let them tune out and they’ll not notice any other gaff I could make. Some try to excuse it as a consequence of old age but I feel based on the way he acted in his prime lying his ass off in the 80’s this is a cultivated behavior, and being called out on the little stuff doesn’t mean anything anymore.

PUNNY NAMES THAT WOULD HAVE MADE FOR SOME DARN GOOD PHOTOSHOP EDITS EXCEPT I ONLY HAD THE ENERGY TO FIND THE FREDDIE ONE SO YOU’RE GETTING A MUNDANE LIST FOR THE REST OF ‘EM YOU ARE WELCOME PEASANTS:

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Audri Atoms (to hell with all of you this is flippin hysterical) Dwayne “The Doc” Johnson Snow Biden Matt Landolt (my brother except his head is a welcome mat) Billie Eyelash Dan Birth Spiderdan The Michelin Dan

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Stars and Shadows

By Aimee Pieper The stars are aligning. They always are around here.

I don’t usually go out at night when the stars align like this. This sort of magic encourages the strange and the unknown to come out of the woodwork. But my friend Charlotte asked me to bring her some Neosporin, gauze wrapping, and some hair-bonding glue, and considering the tearfulness in her voice over the phone I could tell that the night was affecting her more than usual. That’s just how it is sometimes. It seems fate picks a random human to bestow… something on them. It’s pretty random on whether that something is good or bad.

So I hit the convenience store around 8:30 pm, the night eerily silent. Even the white noise of air conditioners whirring was absent. The most that was left untouched by the magical muffling was the buzz of fluorescent lights that still flickered on and off. The lone clerk at the front was busy reinforcing the plexiglass walls around him with duct-tape when I walked in, further increasing the sense of urgency I felt. I quickly gathered my things and purchased them through the hole in the plexiglass, and as I grabbed my new plastic shopping bag the clerk muttered something like, ‘Don’t skip on your way home’. Or maybe he said ‘Duct-tape makes the perfect dome’. I just hurried along my way, hoping that these weren’t riddles I needed to answer. I certainly was grateful that I didn’t work night-shift retail anymore. Who knows what horrors this guy had seen before.

Charlotte seemed grateful for the toiletries she asked for, though it was hard to tell her current state through the crack in her apartment door. She screeched something unintelligible before snatching the shopping bag from me with an arm much longer than I remembered. Red sores and peeling skin flashed before my eyes as it whipped back inside and slammed the door, and I shuddered to think of what would have happened if I had accidentally touched her.

Thankfully I was headed back to my apartment, and the atmosphere seemed calmer than before. I reminded myself not to dawdle in the cool air. It was harder in these moments to remember that the outdoors wasn’t safe for anyone during these conjunctions, and that I needed to stay alert.

This was even harder to remember when a stranger whispered my name from the nearby alley.

“Bennett…” They hissed, long and slow, as if relishing the sound of my name on their tongue. My common sense urged me to keep walking and ignore them, but the startling instinct of recognizing your own name but not the person using it was stronger.

My voice was caught in my throat. If it had been daytime, I would’ve said something like, “Pardon?”. But I was not at liberty to say anything tonight it seemed. The curious stranger stepped closer, revealing himself to me. I tried not to look too fearful as any previous relaxation washed away from me. The man had black and purple skin, making it easy for him and his sage green parka to blend into the nighttime background. His fingers were long and thin, and he was licking his yellow teeth as he stared at me hungrily with white eyes.

“Bennett, it’s been so long!” He cried with a myriad of voices, some that could have been familiar if they were more distinct. They all hissed and whined as he spoke, coaxing me as he spoke.

“It truly has been a while. Come, let’s go get a drink, and I’ll catch you up on what you’ve missed.” He beckoned at me with a hand, and I fought the urge to step forward with whatever forces he was compelling me with. I wanted to tell him that he’d fucked up his disguise, but again the thought of speaking made my mouth seal itself. It seemed magic had decided that I too would get the short end of the stick.

And then, all at once, something soft and heavy barreled into me. It was similar to having a weighted blanket thrown at you when you weren’t expecting it. The soft-heavy thing turned out to be a short girl who seemed to be dressed in a large pale yellow and gold dress.

“That’s quite enough for tonight!” She shouted to the shadow person, or whatever he was. She was tugging at my arm and pushing me forward, and I willed my leaden legs to move with her urging. Apparently compelling magic doesn’t wear off so easily. She continued to shout things as we retreated, like “You’re lucky I don’t report you!”, and “Just because the barrier is thinner doesn’t mean

you’re at liberty to get greedy!”, and “Silence does not count as consent!”. But of course I can never begin to understand all the magic nonsense to begin with, and I’m surprised she knew half as much.

When we were finally a safe distance away, she turned to me and said, “Alright there Bennett? Almost lost you there. Tonight’s been fraught with bad luck, and we really don’t want to unbalance things now do we?” I motioned to her that I couldn’t speak right now, and she looked a bit crestfallen.

“Oh yes, well, it should go away by tomorrow morning I expect. Sorry again about that.” She took both of my hands then, and I realized in her close proximity that she was emitting a soft yellow light, from her head down to her feet. Her hands were soft and warm, and she reached up on tiptoe to kiss me tenderly.

“Maybe we’ll meet again next time Bennett!” She whispered before fading from my vision, leaving me dumbfounded. I shoved my hands back into my pockets and hurried inside my apartment, to safety one more.

There are reasons I try to stay inside when the stars align.

But perhaps there are reasons to venture out once in a while.

“Wow, What a wonderful story! Way to go, Aimee!!!!!!!!”

- Freddie Kroger

Breaking News: Following the lead of Iowa, a state which on October 29, 2021, approved unemployment benefits to people who lose their jobs because they refuse to be vaccinated or submit to weekly testing and work while wearing a mask, Governor Parsons announced that Missouri is considering following suit, bringing us to this week’s

Should moron anti-vaxxers be allowed to apply for, and collect, unemployment benefits if they lose their jobs due to refusing to be vaccinated?

POINT by Dan Gerth: Hell no! I am f***ing disgusted with these damn Welfare Queens who sit on their asses, collecting unemployment while they contribute nothing to society. They’re just going to spend their unemployment on Marlboro Lights and Bud Light. And guns. Holy shit, how many guns do these f***ing Welfare Queens need? I mean, you’ve only got two f***ing hands, but you have 12 guns? How can you be poor if you have enough money to smoke, drink, and have so many f***ing guns. And you just know these people are going to buy a new gun to celebrate their first unemployment check. Plus, they can work. They just don’t want to. They have no pride. I think they legit hate America.

They’d rather sit on their fat unvaccinated asses (and rest assured, they are f***ing fat), living off hardworking, honest, taxpayers, like me. Goddamn socialism! And besides now getting unemployment, most of them already collect disability because of emphysema or obesity or some such self-induced shit. Or Hep C from a dirty tattoo needle or who the hell knows what. Have you seen these disgusting fat f***s? They have handicapped parking stickers! I’m sorry, but obesity is not a f***ing disease. It’s a goddamn choice. They make me sick. I hope they all get stuck in their f***ing scooters while shopping at Walmart with their damn disability checks and now unemployment benefits. They drop out of high school to have babies. Probably wear tube tops to their damn wedding. Or blue jean jackets for the boys. Babies which they feed with more government assistance, by the way. Have you ever been in line at a Schnucks in Jeff Co? Jesus H. Christ. Nothing but idiot 17 year olds whose 24 year old boyfriends can’t get jobs because of “the economy.” But do they have money for meth or oxycodone? Hell yes, they do! And now even more money, apparently. Also, they can’t be bothered to get healthcare, so their primary care physician is just the goddamned E.R. doctor. Again costing us money. And since most of them live in buttf*** nowhere and vote year after year for politicians who hate Medicaid, all the local hospitals closed years ago, so they’re taking beds from real Americans who live in the damn cities. Like me! If some fat fuck with an American flag tattoo and a handgun wants to quit their f***ing job rather than get the vaccination, then I say let them f***ing die of COVID. Or cholesterol.

Or not wearing their seat belt. Or because of that extra gun they just had to have for when they drive into St. Louis once a year for a baseball game or Blake Shelton concert. Also… I know you’re not supposed to say this. I mean, seriously, I’m like not racist. You know me. Not racist.

But have you noticed how all of these people are white? I mean, I get it. You can’t say that out loud. And sociological factors and what not. But still. How is it that they’re like all white? I mean, between you and me, I kinda hate white people, you know?

COUNTER-POINT by Kenny Miller: uh, what Dan said.

NEXT TIME, ON BRAIN STEW… • One of our editors kicks the bucket. You know, buys the farm.

Bites the big one. Fucking dies a horrible death.

• The first ever Brain Stew scratch and sniff segment! It’s called “Smell My Skid Marks and Guess What I Had for Dinner Last Night.”

• Maximum Groove • The Understew gets replaced by an all new mystery column.

We won’t tell you what it is, but it involves Kenneth Miller and a lot of cocaine. Like a lot of cocaine. So much cocaine that Pablo Escobar would say “hey man, that’s a lot of cocaine.”

• “Stuart” v. “Stewart,” The Spelling Smackdown of the Century • A joke so funny that even with that cynical coal-black heart you somehow manage to swiftly pass a bit of air through your nasal cavity • Kim Baldus Tells All: Confessions of a Woman Who Goes to Parties with the Sole Intention of Double-Dipping in the Salsa Jar • Claire where the hell are you we really miss your custard reviews

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We’ve been publishing since 1991 (or 1993. No one really knows). We must be doing a good job though. Despite our best efforts, grown-ups keep giving us awards — stuff like Best Sustained Program in 2012 and 2017, and Best Cultural Awareness Program in 2018. Even some shady committee called the “National Collegiate Honors Council” gave us awards in 2017, 2018, and Program of the Year in 2020.

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