Brain Stew, 21-22, Issue 2

IN THIS ISSUE: Who is this Rorschach guy, and why does he keep drawing my parents fighting? / one really good joke / several really bad jokes / a large amount of naked people. like an absurd, impossible amount of naked people / The Skeletons in Fred Rogers Closet (and His Basement, His Car and His Pantry) / Dirty Dan’s Declaration: Why We Should Burn the Honors College to the Mother-Fudging Ground / Submit to Bellerive / Submit to Bellerive / Submit to Bellerive / Submit to Bellerive / Why are you still reading this? / Are you okay? / Don’t answer that / I don’t really give a damn / Super Mario Brothers 4: The Revenge of Big Luigi

What’chu gonna do when they come for you?

First of all, who are “they”, and why are “they” coming for me? As far as I know., “they” only have circumstantial evidence, OR they’re not from this planet. They better be not from this planet. Either way no ones is finding me because I don’t have a cell phone and I’m walking into the woods and never returning.

Um…. I don’t know, it depends I guess. If it’s a surprise party I’ll cheer and maybe cry? If it’s in a confrontational way… let’s be honest I’ll also cry. I react to extreme stuff with crying. Like a lot.

Oh, they’ll never take me alive.

And if it comes down to it, I’ll also probably take hostages with me. So if they’re out there, and if they’re reading this, don’t try anything. Mind your own business.

“All the News, Whether it’s Fit to Print or Not!”

The Provincial House Times May, 2021

LATE EDITION TODAY: Isn’t is scary that doctors call what they do “practice”?

COST: $4.20

Dan Gerth Arrives Late to Brain Stew Recuitment Party, University to Pay for Therapy Last week a promise of pizza and party was broken, dreams were crushed, and once again the students of the Pierre Laclede Honors College are left to pick up the pieces. The event was set to begin at 5:00pm, by 5:05 a considerable gaggle of wide eyed new arrivals had congregated to receive free pizza and information about the national award winning Brain Stew.

It was then that Dan kicked open the doors to Provincial House, crumpled boxes of pizza held between his fingers, the smell of alcohol engulfed the common room as he yelled “here you go you filthy freeloading sonsofbitches!” Then Dan started stammering and demanding introductions from Brain Stew editors that weren’t even there yet. While the students’ eyes were glued to the bearded degenerate, Dean Ed walked out of his office with a depraved smile as he slapped Dan on the back on his way through the door exclaiming, “Haha, not my damn problem.” The only time he was any more wrong was when he trusted Brain Stew not to attract criticism from the media.

As Ed fled, the two missing editors Mya and Aimee sauntered into the room, drenched in a mixture of cold sweat and their own vomit, carrying a musk that overpowered the 30+ years of scotch that had been wafting off of Dan’s beard. After promptly introducing themselves as Muppet Fucker and Astrology Gorl they attempted to hug the freshmen. One reportedly started convulsing on the floor.

After the introductions it was realized that the pepperoni pizza had been stripped bare, with saucy craters left where the meat once laid. Dan instantaneously snapped out of his drunken stupor Important P.S.A. From State and said, “God damnit not again Audri,” before Representative Mitch rushing out of the room and sprinting (well, as close Boggs!!! to sprinting as Dan can muster) down towards the I’m looking at a variety of ways to Provincial House bathroom which emanated cursed take on the not shitting in your moans and shrieks. pants mandates in Missouri.

Upon opening the door all were beholden to a There are numerous approaches horrifying sight. Audri once again donned her PETA to pushing back against the forced not shitting in your pants covert operative cow costume to liberate the and I would like to hear what pepperoni from the pizzas and had arranged them you think about a few of them! into a grotesque shrine of sorts, alternating between 1. Add “shit my pants” status to the Missouri ear piercing bouts of keening and uncomfortably Human Rights Act. This would make it illegal to intimate whispering. “They won’t hurt you anymore discriminate against people based on their shit in my little pepperoni-homies. They don’t understand pants status. you like I do,” she said before rubbing the greasy 2. Prohibit any public or private entity that receives slices against her face. On the matter editor Mya state funding through any means from requiring Horn commented, “I think its such bullshit that proof of not having shit your pants.

Audri gets to have a meat shrine in the bathroom but 3. Banning of withholding shit in your pants by I had to take down the Dan Shrine because of the force or coercion. No withholding of shit in your nursing school pissbabies. pants without the express consent of the individual “Now you understand why I drink,” said Dan. to have their pants not filled with shit The University is in the process of negotiating with 4. Prohibiting the state of Missouri and all political subdivisions from doing business with any the families of those traumatized to cover the cost employer or company that engages in of therapy at bare minimum. discrimination against people who shit in their

CHOOSE THREE TO PROTECT YOU THE REST WILL TRY TO KILL YOU

Yo. Fun fact: the Honors College puts this thing out once a year. Ever heard of it?

Of course you haven’t. Y’know why? Because it sucks. And do you know why it sucks? Because YOU haven’t submitted anything to it!!!!

Do you take pictures? Do you write prose or poetry? Do you spend months and months composing Italian turbo folk on your uncle’s synthesizer? Then send it to us, gosh dang it!

Bellerive is a literary publication fueled by artsy weirdos, and publishing your work goes a long way toward making your résumé look all nice and shiny.

If you’d like to be considered for publication and you’re an UMSL student, faculty member, staff member, alumni, or goose, submit your works by visiting our Facebook page, emailing bellerivesubmit@umsystem.edu, or scanning this QR code.

All submissions are due before October 1st. …On second thought, do not submit if you’re a goose.

Goose art is not welcome here.

Submission Categories/Limits: •Poetry – up to 5 poems •Prose – up to 2 pieces (each 4,000 words or fewer) •Photography & Art – up to 5 digital images •Music – up to 2 pieces

I R D U A

A VERY SPECIAL BEST OF AUDRI ADAMS EDITION

Sorry, Nonni. --BS editors Boo, doesn’t need to wear a cone. I just think she looks cute in it. --Audri

Do I contradict myself?

I am large I contain multitudes --Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass

What do you think about your sister winning the Chancellor’s Award for Excellence, Nonni Adams?

Oh, Dan is the best! He deserves this award so much. Wait, why did you call him my sister? I think of him as more of a brother. Oh, what? Who? Oh. Yeah, okay. Audri’s alright I guess. Good job, Aud.

BRAIN STEW CONGRATULATES AUDRI ADAMS ON WINNING THE CHANCELLOR’S AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE! We assume she got it for stealing us this big ass scoop thing.

That’s why we voted for her, at least. That thing is really going to come in handy.

Kanye Announces New Collab on his Tour of Misogyny and General Assholeness

A Complete Review of all the Twilight Books This summer, I read all the Twilight Books for the rst time in my life, so I could ultimately form my own opinions about the series and decide if I liked it for myself. And boy do I have opinions! I hope you enjoy reading my hot takes and rst impressions of Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series.

Oof, okay. If I had read this when I was 10, when it originally came out, I de nitely would have been a twihard. But as an adult, the book is slow-paced and actually hard to get through. The best scenes are when Bella confronts Edward about saving her from the car and then when the evil vampire, James, starts fucking things up. Meyer is a mediocre writer and Bella is a re ection of her own low self-esteem and need for validation from a man. If you took away the entire plot of “I can’t be with you because I’m a vampire”, the romance message of “I want to fuck you so bad but I can’t because I’m mormon” would still very much be intact. Vampirism is an allegory for Mormonism. Overall Bella should have been turned in this book. ⅗ stars

So Edward leaves Bella because he thinks he’s protecting her but doesn’t bother to ask Bella what she thinks or listen to her. Cool. So she spends the better half of the book hanging with Jacob. I kept waiting for the “love triangle” part, but… it didn’t quite appear? it’s obvious Bella likes hanging out with Jacob in a brotherly/friendly kind of way, Jacob wants it to be more but whatever. He’s still nice and pretty much respects Bella’s boundaries until he turns into a werewolf. I’m also disappointed that Edward wasn’t actually scolding Belle when she was in danger? Like it would have been an easy explanation but instead it was just Bella imagining it, which is so much harder to believe.

Anyway, I would’ve been team Jacob if he didn’t turn into such a dick from werewolf hormones. The Italy scene was cool though, and made me think of rooting for a completely di erent team - Team Alice. ⅘ stars.

There is still no love triangle. There never really is a love triangle, so I’m interested to see how the movies take care of this. Because every time Bella is told to choose by Jacob, she always tells him that’s not fair because she always chooses Edward romantically, but still wants to maintain the platonic relationship she has with Jacob. I really scrutinized Edward in this book, and while he can be moody and annoying just like Bella is self-depracating and annoying, he does become nicer to her and isn’t a huge dick to her about her wanting to see Jacob, and in fact he helps her make it happen. The amount of time Bella spends with Alice still makes me interested in a story where Meyer was not so Mormon and in fact interested in lesbians. I’ll just have to explore that on my own though. The ght was meh, we don’t get to see any of it because Bella is not a vampire still. ⅗ stars

New Moon and Eclipse were painful to read. The only reason this one is less painful is because Bella FINALLY GETS TURNED INTO A VAMPIRE! No more incessant complaining and arguing with Edward about it! But it is dumb that the only reason we had to wait this long is so that Meyer could ful ll the weird gross Mormon-married-with-children fantasy. Reconnaissance is so weird and creepy and I’m not into it. This book is, however, still a huge disappointment because a huge ght against the Volturi is foreshadowed

by Bella’s dreams the ENTIRE TIME, and it DOESN’T HAPPEN. LIKE WHAT??? I was so excited to nally get some real action scenes, but nope. Because there’s no end to the Volturi and no epic ght scene where the Cullen wins, the end of the book reads like there’ll be another book in the Bella series. But there isn’t. I maybe would have been interested in a Little-House-on-the-Prairie-type spin-o of Renasmeme, if Jacob had not weirdly imprinted on her. Really hate how the imprinting on children is explained as “Oh no! this isn’t Pedophilia!

Meyer, you are super fucked up. ⅖ stars for the ultimate dissapointment in the end of a series.

Final Thoughts: I’m interested to watch the movies solely to make fun of them. I will be seeking some Alice x Bella content. This series was di cult to read, and though entertaining, had so much untapped potential. Favorite Characters: Rosalie (much respect), Emmet (Himbo), Seth (Very Nice), and Alice (Literally the best and funniest character). Overall rating: 3 stars. I will not be reading Midnight Sun because it was hard enough reading Twilight from Bella’s POV, imagine how unbearable Edward’s is when he’s being angsty.

You have been reading Brain Stew!

I Shidded & Farded What is Brain Stew? YOUR MOM! HAHAHA . We also provide the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body (plus Dan, Jen, Kate, Ed’s wife, and other “adults” with no hobbies) a forum for uncensored free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other campus organizations. Or we would if PLHCSA would stop pretending we don’t exist.

We’ve been publishing for a long ass time. 1990 something. Longer than you’ve been alive, freshmen.

We’re the proud 2012 and 2017 Best Sustained Program award holder, given to us by the Office of Student Involvement. We also won Best Cultural Awareness Program in 2018, and program of the year in 2020. We promise we did not bribe anyone with drugs to get these awards. We’ve got awards from the National Collegiate Honors Council in 2017, 2018, and now 2020! Take that, PLHCSA! Disclaimer: We issue no content guidelines beyond those of state, local, and federal law. All content is the responsibility of the creator. UMSL, PLHCSA, PLHC, and the Brain Stew Staff are in no way liable for whatever ugly content you goblins create. Just because we’re uncensored doesn’t mean we’re obligated to print everything. Please stop submitting your manifestos. Just post them to the doors of the church like our ancestors did.

HOW CAN I CONTRIBUTE TO BRAIN STEW? Send in your editorials, articles, poems, stories, reviews, plays, drawings, photography, fart jokes, personal ads, love letters to Colonel Sanders, and whatever else you make to brainstew@umsl.edu