Brain Stew, 2019-20, Issue 9

ISSUE 2

SPRING 2020

Now with offensive diversity

COLORING PAGES INSIDE! now 10x more offensive

Would you rather go through the rest of your life with a tiny, tiny, tiny amount of pee in your mouth or a tiny, tiny, tiny amount of poop in your nose?

Never, under any circumstances, are you allowed to speak to me again.

You guys are really crossing a line here. I like the Understew as much as anyone and have no problem acting silly for your amusement. But this is the most immature, vulgar, stupid thing you’ve ever tried. I am just thankful that our faculty are too mature to answer this puerile question.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, this is the best Understew question ever! Okay, so you probably can’t sneeze out the poop or spit out the pee, right? I’ve got a lot of other questions too, but I’ve gotta go with the pee. Pee is like almost all water, but poop is like 100% poop. Yeah, gotta go with pee. What did Ed say? Puerile? I don’t know that word. Does that mean poop? Nah, I can’t believe he’d be a poop guy.

A Letter from the Editor Dear readers, ed d I have found that everyone seems to get offended n. by everything in our society so I thought I would join in.

So please allow me to be the billionth person to shout, “I’m offended,” just because we are all offended doesn’tt mean we, or more specifically I, can’t be entitled.

Dave & Buster’s is a beautiful joint where kids and adults alike can enjoy arcade games from revamped ed d 90s games to classic apps that no one plays anymore in n a fun safe environment that only slightly lures you into o gambling all your money for a Nintendo Switch that would’ve been cheaper to just buy in store. This place became a safe haven where I could relive my love of Chuck E. Cheese while also feeling like a free adult who ho h can gamble if she so pleases.

This place is amazing a filled with endless fun.

One of our Honors classes, Game Theory with Ryan Newcomer (who taught me everything I know about strategic gambling), even took me there on a field trip.

For once I could flash my I.D. and feel so entitled to be e over 18. But that my dear readers was before I was stripped of these privileges.

About a month ago all this changed as Dave & Buster’s has upped its age restriction to 21. Twenty-one years old. I pay federal and state taxes, live independently, and I can’t play in an arcade. Yet another place putting people under 21 in what many believe is our place. Sure I turn 21 this year, but till then I have to be chaperoned in an arcade.

Sincerely, Chuck E. Cheese’s Newest Regular Customer

OFFEND OFFEND OFFEND

I’m Offended Too: Age Restrictions

C O L O R M E

“All the News, Whether it’s Fit to Print or Not!”

LATE EDITION

The Provincial House Times January 31, 2020

Inside this issue: photos of your favorite faculty members at the Collinsville weed store. Story page 420A. COST: $4.20

Brett Hull’s “Drunkest Man in America” title is challenged!

“Pfft,” says Ass Dean Gerth. “I can get way drunker than that.”

On June 9, 2019, Brett Hull was officially crowned the Drunkest Man in America by the New York Post. Coverage included: “Brett hull looks wasted lol #LGB,” one Blues fan tweeted.

“Brett Hull has no idea what planet he’s currently living on,” Pete Blackburn of CBS Sports wrote.

“Brett Hull is grade 11 drunk right now,” actor Gerry Dee posted.

“How have I not heard about this until now?” questioned Gerth. “I know! I was too drunk! But now that I have sobered up, I challenge this title. How drunk can you get off goddamn Bud Light anyway? My cat drinks like 12 of those each day and functions just fine.”

When pressed for further comment, Gerth began chugging from a whiskey bottle but paused long enough to tell Brain Stew that “I used to go to Humphrey’s in the late 90s a lot. I cannot even count the number of times I saw that slob drinking beer, smoking menthols, and hitting on women who were not old enough to be drinking at Humphrey’s in the first place. Even back then, he did not impress me. He could never even get drunk in the first place unless Adam Oates passed him the bottle.”

Story continued on page 420B.

“He’s faking,” says Gerth. “But Light is about as strong as children’s Nyquil. Actually, that sounds pretty good. That would hit the spot right about now. Are you holding?”

Sammy Jacobs arrested in illegal ramen smuggling operation “Shitballs! I’m never going to win Canstruction now!” said Jacobs.

While most people know that Canstruction involves intricate, UMSL-themed designs of canned goods, fewer realize that points are allotted also for the total amount of goods collected. “Yeah, I know ramen only costs like 10 cents per pack at Wal-Mart, but if you can avoid the tariffs from Trump’s war with China, you can get that shit down to like 3 cents per pack,” said Jacobs. “It’s kind of like patriotism, I’d say.”

Having already collected hundreds of ramen packages, one might wonder why Sammy is so obsessed. Doesn’t she already have enough to be a strong competitor? “Yeah, you might think so, but you have no idea what the NAME REDACTED sorority is capable of. Those skanks could very well show up with 5000 cans. One year they actually robbed the Pagedale Foodbank and justified it to themselves by saying all the cans were going back there anyway. Super sleazy. But you have to get up pretty early in the morning to out-skank me. But apparently the cops get up at like before noon or some shit. Also, there’s no way Gerth is bailing me out of jail for a 3rd time since last spring break. Do you know anyone who wants to buy some ramen so I can make bail? Maybe those NAME REDACTED sorority skanks would be interested.” Story continued on page 69F.

UMSL preemptively closes for inclement weather coming on January 17.

Inclement weather says “Ha, ha, ha, f*** you, UMSL.” On Thursday, January 23rd, while watching cars slide dangerously out of the ProHo parking lot due to an ice storm, Prancellor Sobolik was unmoved. “Never again shall UMSL close for weather. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice? No f***ing chance.” Story continued on page 420D.

UMSL on the January 17th “snow day.”

Left: just a few of the cases of illegal ramen that Sammy was busted with at Port Canaveral in Florida.

Above: Sammy’s Florida mug shot.

UMSL, open for business, on January 23rd. Six students died, and nine remain missing.

To my adoring fans: By this time of year, all of you weak-willed, lazy people are realizing that your “New Year’s Resolutions” are totally 100% irrational and that you were never going to follow through with them in the first place. Your feeble attempts to “loose the weight” or “finally block the number of your annoying ex” or “get the promotion you’ve been working towards all year and you totally deserve, but nobody seems to notice” are appreciated and endearing. But frankly, these resolutions are a pile of horse shit, and they will likely send you into a world of pain, heartache, and despair. Despite this reality, every year you make the same resolutions, claiming “this will be the year!” Well spoiler alert, no it won’t, and un till now I would have counted myself in the group of lonely depressed people who gave up partly through January. In the past, I have resolved to find a significant other, but then Valentine’s Day rolls around… and I’m in my bed (alone) eating ice cream from the tub and watching reruns of the Bachelor. Yes, I know. It’s depressing, but this year I offer a solution. Loopholes. (Not convinced?

Keep reading…) Loopholes will solve all of your New Year’s problems. Let me explain.

If I wanted to start counting my calories, then I will simply eat off my friend’s plate.

Those are MY FRIEND’S calories, and they in no way count against me. Or if I want to further my vocabulary by starting a new book on the first of every month, then I will simply read the first page a new book on the first of every month. Loopholes people.

Fucking Loopholes. I promise, if you find the loopholes in your New Year’s Resolutions, then your lifestyle will improve dramatically. Take me for example, I’m still single, but at least I have my calorie consumption under control.

Your’s truly.

you’ve been iced... haha suck it nerd

FUCK Q Fuc* the letter Q. Seriously, what a disgusting letter. If I could remove any letter from the alphabet, it would be Q. If you can’t see why, you’re just as dumb as Q. First, Q looks pretentious as fu*k. What *UCK is that little tail for? I’ll tell you what. Q’s are just O’s with no self respect, walking around with their dicks out for everyone to see. That’s right. Every time you write the capital Q, you just exposed an O’s penis. Pervert. Q’s are whores and chads, thinking everyone wants to see their dicks. Absolutely revolting.

Second, the lowercase q is just a p with an identity crisis. It’s CONFUSED. It has no idea who it is anymore. By using the lowercase q, you’re encouraging it’s confusion. How could you do that, you sick f*ck?

By now I’m sure you see how absolutely stupid this letter is.

Wait - You need MORE reasons? Fine, you Q loving degenerate.

Q is definitely racist. I don’t have any solid proof, but I’m pretty confident in my racism detecting abilities.

Other grievances against Q and reasons why you should boycott it: My dad isn’t dead yet but when he is, I’m sure it’ll be Q’s doing.

Q supports the All Lives Matter movement. Ew. Q invented pulpy orange juice.

Q took all the good parking spaces at UMSL. Q lives in the homeofphobia (not sure what that is, but I’ve heard it’s bad).

Q is mean to retail workers.

Q broke your local Mcdonald’s ice cream machine.

Q invented raisins. WTF. Q gave me a wet willie once.

Q listens to Daughtry.

Q made my parents divorce.

hello if you’re reading this please submit to brain stew. we could not do this without contributions because sammy would give up because she makes shit content to put in each issue. do you want brain stew to die? no. no one does (except the conservatives). so if you’re cool but also not cool please send us your submission. i’m really in desperate need of submissions. do we want to hear more of dan’s shitty jokes? no. no one does. if you love america and brain stew, you will submit to brain stew. email us at brainstew@umsl.edu . We also have an office that we use. Well sammy uses it when she needs a lunch break and wants to watch shows about murder investigations because its genuinely an interesting subject matter. also the State of North Carolina vs. Michael Peterson was fucking rigged. that man loved his wife and would never have pushed her down the stair case. the state of north carolina had bullshit one sided evidence. hate them. David Rudolf is an amazing lawyer though. I’ve invested 12 hours of my life into this show so I’m pretty attached. Anyways please submit to brain stew thanks bye love you (as a friend) (except for u Ryan. I love love u)

Written by Mya Horn, who recently blocked Nicole on TikTok and is considering blocking her number

magine you're at my funeral. It's very solemn and quiet, as funerals typically are. Suddenly a phone buzzes. Everyone politely ignores it. Then it buzzes again. And again. And again. Everyone is visibly confused, checking their own phones and looking around the room to find the culprit. Finally someone stands up and follows the buzzing to my casket. It's my phone. In my pocket.

My dead lady pocket. Hesitantly, they pick up my phone, which is still buzzing, and look at it. It's tiktok notifications. Hundreds of them. From Nicole Caldwell.

Who is in the back of the funeral watching tiktoks.

The End

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We have been publishing for over 25 years and won the Student Life’s award for Best Sustained Program in 2012 and 2017 as well as TWO national titles from the National Collegiate Honors Council in 2017 & 2018.