Brain Stew, 2019-2020, Issue #8

Rabbit Fancy

FOR THE LOVE OF RABBITS

RABBIT FANCY January 2020

INTRODUCING APOLLO B, THIS MONTH’S COVER RABBIT

INSIDE THIS ISSUE: FIVE RABBITS YOU NEED TO MEET! RABBIT RUN – THE WORLD’S MOST DISAPPOINTING NOVEL? RABBIT SEASON OR DUCK SEASON? WILL THE DEBATE EVER END? THE TOP 20 REASONS RABBITS ARE BETTER PETS THAN DOGS

CO-SLEEPING WITH YOUR RABBIT? WHAT THE EXPERTS SAY MIGHT SURPRISE YOU ARE YOU AND YOUR RABBIT SOULMATES? TAKE OUR TEST AND FIND OUT! YOUR BOYFRIEND DOESN’T LIKE RABBITS! DTMFA OR TRY TO SAVE THE RELATIONSHIP? Please dear god, get these ears off me. Why is this acceptable behavior? I am clearly very, very unhappy.

Brain Stew 8, 2019-20

What do you think about this whole impeachment thing?

Hate it! Removing Carles Puigdemont from power in 2017 was way too good for this Catalonian splitter.

Yeah, that’s right, I said Catalonian, not Catalan.

There’s no way this crap would stand in the good old days. In the words of Generalissimo Francisco Paulino Hermenegildo Teódulo Franco Bahamonde, “I kill you scum!” It sounds better in Spanish, though. “Yo kill you el scumo!” See, that sounds better, right? Also, I’m pretty sure you spell Carlos as Carlos, not Carles.

Not a big fan. Canned peaches in heavy syrup are okay, I guess. I mean, syrup even makes pears okay. I wish there was a fruit salad that was just cherries. I know, I know, I could just eat a jar of maraschino cherries – and I do! But I’d feel better about it if it were called fruit salad. I’ve been a vegetarian since May, so I’ve had to eat a lot of fruit, but it all pretty much sucks, except for chicken. I know, I know, that’s one of those things like tomatoes where people argue about whether it’s a fruit or a vegetable. Doesn’t matter. It’s the least shitty of either.

WTF? How did you find out where I lived? I do NOT work here anymore.

What part of retired are you too stupid to understand? UMSL no longer pays me to fake this nice little old lady crap, and you need to get the hell off my porch.

And Perry will destroy you. He is mean AF. He has won more dog fights than Michael Vick can dream of. Everything you think you know about me is bullshit. Emily Dickinson was a skank.

Harper Lee too. Go suck a bag of d****.

hey you. go see Uncut Gems. hey you. go see Uncut Gems. hey you. go see Uncut Gems. hey you. go see Uncut Gems. hey you. go see Uncut Gems. hey you. go see Uncut Gems. hey you. go see Uncut Gems. hey you. go see Uncut Gems. hey you. go see Uncut Gems. hey you. go see Uncut Gems. hey you. go see Uncut Gems. hey you. go see Uncut Gems. hey you. go see Uncut Gems. hey you. go see Uncut Gems. hey you. go

You’re Okay Boomer! A Safe Space for Baby Boomers to Ask Questions and Learn About Youth Culture Are you old? Do you feel like young people resent you? Do you not understand acronyms, emojis, or your phone? We are proud to introduce a new Brain Stew advice column to help you. Got a question? Submit to umslbrainstew@umsl.edu.

Dear You’re Okay Boomer!, I am 73 and work in an office filled with Millennials and Gen Z youth. They are not mean or disrespectful, but they are very cold toward me. What can I do? I don’t need this job anymore, as it came with a great definedbenefits pension, but I always really liked it and want to keep working.

Sincerely, Linda Dear Linda, First, STFU about defined- benefits pensions.

No one has those except you. That was one of the many doors you slammed shut after you walked through it.

Second, stop throwing your recycling in the garbage and your garbage in the recycling.

We know you don’t mention that in your letter, but we’ve never met anyone named Linda who didn’t do this.

Last, stop mispronouncing the names of the black people in your office. Again, we know you don’t mention this… but well, yeah.

Also, we know you’re probably not capable of this, so at minimum stop giggling when you apologize about it. Okay, boomer?

Sincerely, Sammy, Tony, and Monica

Dear You’re Okay Boomer!, I really need help understanding this free college tuition you are demanding. That degree turns into a lot of money over the course of your life. Why shouldn’t you have to pay for it like I did? And why should I pay more taxes to send you to college?

Sincerely, Mark Class of 1969 Dear Ass of 69, When you started college in 1965, the average tuition for a public university was $600 per year, according to the U.S. Department of Education. The median household income was $7000, according to the Bureau of the Census. Tuition at UMSL is $10,896 per year now. The median income for an UMSL student’s household is $35,000.

We hope you have enjoyed all the tax cuts you have voted for over the past 50 years – and that are part of why the government no longer funds higher education in a meaningful way (besides letting for-profit schools steal loan checks). You are lucky that Bernie and Pocahontas only want to fund free college via taxing wealth. If Brain Stew were running for president, we’d fund it by canceling Medicare and letting you get your insurance on the free market that you’ve got such a boner for. Okay, boomer?

Sincerely, Sammy, Tony, and Monica

METH. WE’RE ON IT.

Yo I got you some cultured memes, though we’re experiencing a meme recession. -C

METH. WE’RE ON IT.

Argument for Simulation Theory

By Aimee Pieper I.

II.

Intro A. Topic 1. Are we in a simulation?

B. Hook/lead 1. Many have referred to life as a game, but what if it actually was one?

What if our life was actually the Sims, or the Game of Life?

2. According to Susan Schneider, certain thought experiments uphold that we could very well be in a simulation.

3. In this essay I will explore two aspects that make me believe we’re in a simulation: sentience and religion. We are living in a simulation. a) I will be using they/them pronouns in reference to God/Creator/higher power etc. for the sake of consistency and clarity; however God may as well be an ever shifting being of light for all I care.

C. Thesis 1. In my opinion, it is highly probable that we are in a simulation Body Paragraph I: No Proof that We’re Not Argument A. Topic sentence 1. We are in a simulation because we would never know if we weren’t, and because of that, who's to say that we’re not?

B. Argument 1. To quote comedian John Mulaney, “Life is already so goddamn weird”, and being in a simulation would explain some of that.

2. We don’t know definitively how we or our environment got here. It makes sense that it could have been loaded or created by a higher being, whether by more intelligent humans, aliens, or divine personage. (pgs 40 - 41) 3. It would explain the patterns we sense in environments, otherwise referred to by the teens of today as vibes or energy 4. It would explain random acts of kindness, miracles, storms and disasters.

We know how some of this happens, but we don’t know why overall. It could be a bug that someone decided to patch because they wanted that character to keep living, or they forgot to apply storm blocker to save their data before it was too late.

5. Really then, what we would need to run this simulation is a higher being. I personally believe that higher being is divine, but it’s way cooler to imagine him as a software engineer trying to fix bugs on his latest game dev

III.

IV.

Body Paragraph II: Religious/Afterlife Perspective Argument II A. Topic sentence 1. In my opinion, we are in a simulation because I believe in a higher power and an afterlife, and it just so happens that the simulation theory provides some of that, just under different terminology than the Christian faith provides B. Argument 1. Christian beliefs: God created the world and they populated it with people.

2. Clockmaker theory: God creates the world and all its parts to work together, winds it up, and then steps away and watches it do its thing.

3. Simulation theory including God: God is a software engineer who loves to tiker with game dev. They created this big simulation call the world, and made the algorithm so varied that they’re allowed to step away and work on other things, but it’s their favorite game so every now and again they’ll come back and mess with some things and fix the bugs. They get really surprised at how big the bugs are sometimes, but other than that it’s pretty routine. (38-39) a) God can’t stand losing anybody though: at least, depending on who they are. He has all the unique character sheets, and every time one of them dies he goes through the character sheet and history to decide what next simulation they should move on to. (41-42) b) The algorithm is varied to make the people solve problems, but also enjoy and explore their world C. Christianity and my background with the afterlife 1. So in the light of simulation, there could still be the two simulations of heaven and hell. Or, hell is the void of the computer trash bin and heaven is the next computer simulation 2. We are sentient enough and smart enough of an AI that it would almost be wasteful to get rid of everyone in the computer trash bin. In christianity God is a God of fairness, so I feel that not only would they be really attached to their humans, but they would also want to give them a fair chance before having to make such a hard decision.

Objection 1 A. No computer today can run like my brain 1. It wouldn’t be possible for a computer to simulate my experiences because my brain is way more complex than any algorithm B. Rebuttal 1. Higher being would have to be controlling it

a) My theory allows for a higher being. I think it could totally work that way, with the scenario I have running. b) Aliens could be god too, honestly, if you prefer that to religion.

The higher power doesn’t have to be a religious being. Belief is relative.

V.

VI.

Objection 2 A. No higher being, alien, god or otherwise, would want to or have the time to run my brain 1. Valid. But also disappointing.

2. The text also states outside of the belief of a higher being/religion/divinity/aliens, no human would have evolved outside of us/faster than us. It is logical to believe that every human is inside the simulation, and therefore other, more intelligent humans are not controlling the simulation.

B. Rebuttal 1. Still going back to the fact that none of us would ever know what was outside of the simulation, unless otherwise revealed to us by the creator, who may or may not wish to be found out as such.

2. Being in a simulation seems significantly more fulfilling to me, because it at least explains some of the things we don’t understand or can’t understand, whether scientifically or logically. It gives maybe a more refined sense of vague purpose.

3. Since we have no evidence of aliens, they could be running the simulation, and that would be why there’s no evidence Conclusion A. Will be written later B. Sources: Schneider, Susan. ​Science Fiction and Philosophy: From Time Travel to Superintelligence.​ Wiley and Blackwell, 2009.

h ou s e hunters hu nt e r s house

If Jen Richardson and I were to go on House Hunters here is a list of things we would need:  Castle  In Spain  On the coast  With no neighbors  Haunted  Hallway with doors on each side like in Scooby Doo  All the locks need to have old school keys to them  All the keys need to be on a big ring  Great view  At least 10 rooms  Must have 11 bathrooms  Stained glass windows  A drawbridge  A wine fridge  Trap door under a fancy front door mat  Old paintings on the wall with the eye shifters so we can spy on people.

Budget: $100

BRAIN STEW’S ADULT COLORING BOOK

Science has shown that a lot of people think coloring reduces stress. Know what else reduces stress?

Smoking. But at $6 per pack, even Brain Stew will turn to coloring. We proudly present this Brain Stew Adult Coloring Book by David McDevitt and Kate Votaw. Dan Gerth submitted too, but his definition of “adult coloring book” is well, we don’t need to spell it out do we? Anyway, find your own crayons .

WHY WAS JABBA THE HUTT NOT IN STAR WARS EPISODE IX If you are thinking he was not in it because he was strangled

by Leia Organa in Return of the Jedi you are quite wrong. Jabba was actually in my mailbox.

He apparently was inhabiting a GoodWill until he collaborated with my sister in an effort to scare me. How you wonder---ah yes, by sitting on top of my mail inside my mailbox. To be frank I was a bit startled but none the more so than Jabba when I introduced him to a special ally of mine.

Yes, I decided that my own personal rebel scum aka Archer could dispose of Jabba. In rebuttal to my sister’s treachery, I sent the following photos.

My sister was in anguish.

Her fellow plotter was being destroyed. She pleaded for Jabba’s life to be spared. My heart warmed towards the fiend, so I sent her this

Now Jabba is being held ransom on my kitchen counter until my beloved sister is properly remorseful.

xanny would like to remind you to:

eat eat the the rich rich thank you for coming to my tedtalk

the office

meme dump

Uncut Gems deserved a nomination due to being a cinematic masterpiece that can not described any other way besides “anxietyridden”. Adam Sandler, a man of many talents most predominantly known for his performance in Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore, performed in a way I had never seen him perform before. Therefore, he is a drone controlled by the government to keep us distracted from the real problems in the world - Jeff Bezos being allowed to hoard billions & global warming. In this essay I will, WHAT IS BRAIN STEW? Brain Stew’s mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body a forum for uncensored free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus organizations.

We have been publishing for over 25 years and won the Student Life’s award for Best Sustained Program in 2012 and 2017 as well as TWO national titles from the National Collegiate Honors Council in 2017 & 2018.

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