Brain Stew 2020-21, Issue 4

COVER BY: @artsietango

Does it ever bother you to think about how little we really know about cows, in terms of common knowledge?

Kenny I’ve only just met you and I have to ask are you OK? Seriously.

These sorts of questions concern me.

No I’m not afraid of questions that ask us to dive deep and ponder the fundamental perceptions of our world.

Where the hell did you hear something so asinine?

Damnit this is why I told Dan to leave me out of these things.

I can’t say I know much about them.

They’re like big ole grass puppies and that’s enough for me.

Don’t know what they taste like either.

I have an old cow costume from my days as a PETA Guerilla Operative though. It’s a lot comfier than you’d expect, and smells exactly like you’d expect.

Ah yes, the age old evaluation of the familiar yet unknown. This, this right here is a question that asks us to dive deep and ponder the fundamental perceptions of our world. To ask exactly what is knowledge? What is a cow?

WHAT IS A MAN? …wait why are you walking away?

Hey get back here!

Dan said you’d listen to my philosophy spiel, I have a degree for a reason for f*cks sake.

Hi! Please listen to this AMAZING song a contributor sent in. Thank you Abby M. for this!!

Love the cover? The artist, Aimee, can be found on Instagram and Twitter @artsietango. If you would like to support her art monetarily, she also has a comic for sale through her Etsy right now, where she also sells collages, paintings, stickers, and prints (Etsy Shop is TiendadeArtsieTango).

Please check her out!

“I Hear America Dying” “I Hear America Dying” The Eagle slain on the avenue, Awoken from a dream that was never true.

Why must I sound so blue?

My country dies as I write to you.

The sailor patches his left eye, Am I to weep? Am I to cry?

Should we elect Jester or Kangaroo?

My country dies as I write to you.

No more letters and no more deeds, There is no room for useless pleas.

Just grab some popcorn, sit in your pew.

Your country dies as I write to you.

Just post a picture, share a laugh, Maybe cut yourself in half.

Has Grandpa Sam come down with the flu?

Your country dies as I write to you.

I pray for the Swan, I pray for the Lion, Take me in, your grandson is crying.

I don’t want to see this end through...

That country dies as I write to you.

Never the Empire looked so sour, No Caesar or Lincoln. Where’s General Eisenhower?

They’ve bitten off more than they could chew.

That country dies as I write to you.

“All the News, Whether it’s Fit to Print or Not!”

The Provincial House Times October 2, 2020

LATE EDITION TODAY: What’s brown and

sticky? A stick.

No poop joke today kiddo.

COST: $4.20

Dr. President Chancellor Mun Choi Unveils New Initiative to Fight COVID-19

By Kenny Miller

This past week Dr. President Chancellor Choi (DPCC) introduced his newest plan to slow the rate of Covid at Mizzou. (He’s not really paid much attention to the other schools, Mizzou accounting for 30% of Missouri’s confirmed Covid at college campuses and such.)

His new initiative is known as Operation W.A.I.F.U. When asked for the inspiration for this questionable plan DPCC stated, “Well I was on Twitter, blocking stinky teenagers who were being mean to me, and I kept seeing these guys with awesome beards, fedoras, and animated girls they kept calling their ‘Waifu’. I thought the art was very tasteful and that embracing it could be the moral boost we need to get through this crisis.”

NARCISSISTIC ORANGE VS. STUTTER MUPPET NO WE DON’T WANT TO HEAR WHO YOU’RE VOTING FOR YES THE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE WAS AN UTTER FUSTERCLUCK

In response to inquiry as to what his new initiative would actually do, DPCC assured that the community need only trust. He announced that he had a guaranteed plan to keep many students from going near each other to minimize the spread of the virus.

Back in April top administrators of the UM System, DPCC included, agreed to a 10% pay cut for a period of time to partially counteract revenue shortfalls for the year. Their contribution through this being roughly $14,415 per month of pay cut. This money was put into an independent fund yet has recently seen some movement with the ordering of hundreds of “Waifu Body Pillows” from Amazon with boxes of Kleenex to match. Money was also used to acquire a fedora, trench coat, and katana for one.

Former Ass-Dean Voices Concern over Operation W.A.I.F.U Baa I don’t really care about what

they do over there in Covidumbia (patent pending) so long as my paycheck isn’t touched. I need that money so that Bob doesn’t kick me out the house.

It freaks me out though.

A student came in last week, took a photo of me, and turned me into one of those big eyed cartoon people.

Then I go home and there are roses at my front door with a card saying “Dr. C.” Better stand for Dr. Cut-that-shit-out because I refuse to be one of his waifers or whatever they’re called.

Did you miss “Crafts in Your Kitchen”? Never fear, Brain Stew (and correspondent Jay Widlacki) are proud to have covered this event on behalf of the American press. Below we try to recreate this event to the best of our ability. Our notes are somewhat illegible, and we forgot we were supposed to write this article until like yesterday, so maybe some stuff is wrong. But not much.

Despite Dan telling us repeatedly that the event was called “Crack in Your Crackpipe,” the true title of the event is clear from the ad.

Jennifer Jezek-Taussig, ass vice chancellor, gets the cooking show started with the traditional “best boobs” contest among the dueling chefs, Ed Munn Sanchez and Brian Owens. Ed won.

Left: we were unable to read the tiny recipe provided.

Right: the chancellor could read it, though. Also, she does not know what the word “emergency” means, apparently. Remember this during the next budget “crisis.”

Left: Brian added way more cocaine than Ed directed.

We like this guy very much!

Above: that is a real comment. We changed nothing. We also didn’t have a grill, but we weren’t trying to cook along at home.

Right: also a real comment. We changed nothing.

Above: We used CGI to remove the boogers from Ed’s nose in this shot.

Ed says, “Forgot to wear an apron? No worries.

Just dry your hands in your hair, like I do. Aprons are for women.”

Ed says, “Need to pee while cooking? That’s why I keep this cup handy!”

Ed says, “The truly great paella chefs can pick up the broth with tongs.” It did not work him, though.

Unfortunately, Brian forgot a cup. However, he made due with the tools available. Also, we don’t think he really needed to go all that badly. It’s just not that much pee.

Left: we were stirring our paella with a store bought penis, so we were glad to hear that this would work just fine.

Right: on the other hand, we’re not waiting until Thanksgiving Thursday to add peas. The recipe either has great pea-ness now or never.

Below: Brian stirred with his finger. Unless we are confused as to what penises look like.

Some people like to cook their meat before preparing the paella. I think that’s a big mistake, as the meat gets too dry. I like my meat moist, and there’s plenty of time to grill while waiting for the rice to brown.

Also, chicken and shrimp are okay, but nothing beats human meat!

Particularly human veal.

We agree with Ed. Our human veal paella was scrumptious.

Below: On the other hand, we are not looking forward to eating cans of cat food with Bob and Dan.

Culver’s Custard with Claire is my fantastic, extremely biased, and sometimes shitty take on every Flavor of the Day the Culver’s chain of restaurants has to offer America (in alphabetical order). This time we’re on flavors 7 & 8.

One would think the custard concoction in this flavor would be caramel. One would be wrong. This flavor came out before Culver’s had fancy custard flavors, so it’s just vanilla with the name swirled in- caramel and cashew pieces. As you all know, vanilla is inferior to chocolate so obviously I’ve never bothered to put this nutty flavor in my mouth. However, I think Joey’s philosophy from Friends applies here (slightly altered): “Caramel? Good.

Cashews? Good. Caramel Cashew? GOOD.

This flavor I HAVE personally tried, and I’d say it’s mediocre at best. Our second nutty friend this issue, Caramel Chocolate Pecan’s name lives up to the hypeor lack thereof. It’s like naming your smart daughter who plays soccer “Buff Soccer Athlete with a Big Brain,” or your academically struggling son who is in the band “Slightly Below Average Trumpet Boy.” Everything about their personality is in the name. Come on Culver’s, at least put a little mystery or higher level of cognitive thinking into your Flavor of the Day names.

Perhaps “Chocolaty Caramel and Pecan BLAST!”

My Uncle the Working Class Neocon I want to preface this piece by saying that I love my uncle. He is a great man who gave me a place to live for my entire senior year of high school. I also want to note that it is not his fault he holds some harmful beliefs. He has been shown propaganda in the form of Fox News for quite a long time (over 15 years). This can make the best of us start making excuses for the Bush 43 Presidency and all the evils that came about because of it. The worst of which being the disastrous Iraq War. In my uncle’s mind though, this was a fight for freedom. These poor uneducated people in Iraq were being killed by Saddam Hussein and they needed ‘Merica to save them. Not because we wanted oil or minerals, or anything else, but because we are all good humanitarians. On top of that, he still believes that Iraq had WMDs, which there is no evidence suggesting as much.

How did I get the idea of writing this piece? Well, a few days ago I was over at his house and we were discussing why Trump and Bernie Sanders both have huge followings. I stated the obvious without realizing I touched a Neocon nerve. I said, “It definitely has something to do with their campaign promises of stopping “Endless War.” He immediately loses his shit and says, “Endless war! What are you talking about you snowflake? How do people get that talking point in their heads? We are in the Middle East to fight for freedom. Nobody wants endless war.”

He clearly was quite upset. I tried to tell him how we have killed hundreds of thousands of civilians during the last three presidencies, as well as causing the unneeded deaths of thousands of American soldiers. Our intervention also created a power vacuum that made ISIS possible. With Saddam in charge there never could have been an ISIS because he would have killed all of them before Uncle Sam had anything to do about it. And the kicker, Mr.

Conservative must have not been aware that we have spent over two trillion dollars fighting these wars.

Now, when I say this made him angry I am not doing the situation justice by using that word. He was inflamed with rage as he says, “I just don’t like seeing innocent people dying. The Kurds need our help. I can’t believe that a lefty like you wants people to die.”

This was when I was getting pretty upset also as I said, “Isn’t a major Republican talking point about how we don’t want Islamic influence in our country? Or did I just make that up. Now you are saying that you would rather help the lives of a majority muslim group (we are doing more harm than good) then keep U.S. soldiers safe?”

This whole time he didn’t get anything that I was saying. I might as well be talking to a wall, or just a Fox News robot. We end the conversation by agreeing to disagree. Then I say the most important yet devastating comment of the whole talk. I say to him, “I don't really care that much. Not enough to keep fighting about it. I am not in the service and you have never served yourself (that should have already been obvious), but I wish that kids my age didn’t have to still contribute to meaningless wars and come home with PTSD. I don’t understand why you are so pro-war even when you do not profit at all from the conflicts.”

He shrugs it off and turns up Sean Hannity. I walk into the other room and I am furious. I can’t believe how dumb he is being, but then I go back over my last comment. It really doesn’t matter for either of us. I probably will never wear a military uniform. He never will either. All we can do is sprout off talking points while the very wealth profit off of our consuming the same basic information. It is a little bit sad to think about, but all you can do is thank veterans for their service and fly the flag on the Fourth. I’m one of the lucky ones.

Cowboy Sheriff Dan says Howdy and to remember to drink responsibly or until you pass out on the f loor and have your cat wake you up by licking you

Merman Dan King Neptune says WAF (wet aquatic f in) by Mardi B and Megan Thee Scallion is a BOP

PIERRE LACLEDE HITLER COLLEGE

Note: no endorsement of Hitler or anything he stands for is implied, obviously!

Also, Hitler was (cont.)

Also dedicated to Jasmine, somehow Isn’t Hitler supposed to be wearing a COVID mask?

You have been reading Brain Stew!

(or looking at the pictures)

(cont.) not even smart enough to go to art school, much less real college.

Take that, art majors!

What is Brain Stew? Shut up, freshman. Also, Brain Stew’s mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors

College student body (plus Dan, Jen, Kate, and Ed’s wife) a forum for uncensored free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus organizations. But PLHCSA hasn’t sent us anything to print in a few years. Lazy.

We have been publishing since 1993 or 1991. Records are sketchy. We won the Office of Student Involvement’s awards for Best Sustained Program in 2012 and 2017, Best Cultural Awareness Program in 2018, and Program of the Year in 2020 when no one could leave their homes, and we were their only source of amusement, besides drugs. We have also won awards from the National Collegiate Honors Council in 2017 and 2018. We’re in the running for another in 2020. Fingers (middle, of course) crossed.

Disclaimer: We issue no content guidelines beyond those of state, local, and federal law. All content is the

responsibility of the creator. UMSL, PLHCSA, PLHC, and the Brain Stew staff are in no way liable for content.

Also, just because we’re uncensored doesn’t mean we’re obligated to print everything. Sorry not sorry, racist assholes.

HOW CAN I CONTRIBUTE TO BRAIN STEW? Send your editorials, articles, poems, stories, reviews, plays, drawings, photography, fart jokes, personal ads, or whatever else you can think of to brainstew@umsl.edu.

Follow us on Twitter! @umslbrainstew And never stop making fun of faculty. Or Hitler.