Brain Stew 2020-21, Issue 3

Issue 3 Fall 202 0

Why did the Freshman cross Natty B? (Natural Bridge for non cool kids)

Dan: He had to shit but the bathrooms at ProHo stopped working. I backed them up the other day. Quite a vile scene. Res life hasn’t fixed them yet and maintenance hasn’t been able to get around to it. I know they set up a little station with a hole in the ground, heard some kid fell in it last week. He’s still down there.

Ed: Probably because he thought life would be greener over there. I drove past him in my Subaru and made sure to spit on him as I passed by. Little piss baby about to piss his pants. So sad. I pushed that kid in the shit hole last week. Don’t tell anyon- wait why are you typing I thought this was off the record.

Jen - Oh. well to get to the other side of course!

A he Ne , Whe he i Fi Print or Not! Especially Whe i N !

The Provincial House Times

LATE EDITION TODAY: 1300 Mizzou students have COVID. 30 UMSL students do too. WTF is wrong with you, Mizzou? Follow the f***ing rules, shitbags! We want in-person classes!

September 17, 2020

COST: $4.20

Mizzou expels 2 students, suspends 3 for violating COVID-19 rules. Also fires Dan Gerth

Tony

Thi i a big, fa ad f c a . Fi , I d ec g i e D . P e ide Cha ce M Ch i a h i fi e e. I ec g i e hi igh a e Cha ce make our Provost make Ed fire me (after the recent UM-System rega i a i ), b ha a chai f e e ha ha ha e ed. A , I recognize his right to block me on Twitter. He might not be allowed to do that de ih ha a i ha e i g agai , b I ai T i e, c ef ,I a a Ge h.

The expulsions, suspensions, and single termination appear connected to the fact that scumbag Mizzou students have now tested positive for COVID more than 1300 times. As a contrast, UMSL students have tested positive less than thirty times. Expelled or suspended Mizzou students were identified as those who were mask-less at multiple drunken parties or orgies violating campus rules about masks and parties. As of yet, no appeals have been filed. Except

by Gerth.

The Me bei ggeese d a d on a -e i a i a i , a Ge h. E e if B b he ca fi ed a c ai , i ca ed a c h i , a i g. A , if I fi d he fi ed a c are ai , he a dead a . I ea dead ca . campus section CV, page 19.

Story continued on

Local PLHC vegan Audri Adams becomes pescatarian by Jay Widlacki PLHC Administrative Associate and vegan, famous for h i g ai S hie, Ka e V a d g, a d c ea i g ea i de ! hi e S hie a ea i g, ha cha ged ea .

M d c aid I had e e e- c , hich i e ch what it sounds like. Apparently you need protein. I had no idea, aid Ada .

Provincial House Times reporter Monica Fartmeyer caught up with Adams for an interview last week. And by last week, we mean never.

I a e a fi , b g dda , fi h i de ici . A h e ea he I aid ha f a j a g d a b hi . I c ea . I a j i g e f. I i e he Ki e Die C e i j a g d a ea C e. Tha beca e he ha had a ea C e i a g i e. D i e Da , h gh, he he a ab ea c e, a he i defi i e a i g ab da, a Ada . A , c i ea f***i g g d!

That picture is bullshit First it was a long-ass time ago, which you can tell from my shorter beard, shorter hair, and much smaller man-boobs Second that s not a real foot I mean it exists ou re not imagining it But it s a severed foot I bought legall Well ma be not legall but it s NOT connected to a live person damn it I am alone in m house Stop oppressing me sa s Gerth The alcohol Gerth is drinking is obscured to protect the innocent. And to protect Gerth from the cease and desist letter he received from Jim Beam.

Pyerre Festival turns out the same as Fyre Festival, somehow Biz Markie did not show up to perform.

No party in Pablo E c ba ec e e in Provincial House actually happened (that you know of).

The PLHC 30th Anniversary Party, scheduled for April 19, 2020, went about as well as the Fyre Festival that inspired it.

The thing most similar to its name sake was that some bougie children showed up and ended up pooping on the lawn while waiting for someone to take them home.

Announced on Twitter with a red box, the Pyerre Festival was a catastrophe.

To learn more, there are two competing documentaries about the failed event. The one on Netflix is better. But the one on Hulu has a lot of cringy interviews with Ed before he went to jail.

Local PLHC pescatarian Audri Ada

by Jay Widlacki

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I dipped m octopus in vintage S echuan sauce and found out hone was an ingredient Goddamn that shit is also good sa s Adams

C l e C a d i h Clai e i my fantastic, extremely biased, and sometimes shitty take on every Flavor of the Day the C l e chai f e a a has to offer America (in alphabetical order). This time e e fla 5 & 6.

Ah, Butter Pecan. I genuinely feel like this flavor is a clich f all ee ea e e he e. Al , I d really know why so many people love it. Everyone has ied B e Peca bef e, I e e e had de c ibe this flavor (which is helpful because I e never bothered to taste it). When I see this flavor, I give a small, sad sigh. I sure old people far and wide are celeb a i g e e i e he ee he d BUTTER PECAN fla hi g a ig , b I e never found it exhilarating in the least.

Y ll ha e e, b I hi k c ffee i g bea a e .

Ca a d he ell (I al a de i e he Da ake c ffee i he H ki che e il Da ). Y all will be excited though. I a e fla C l e ha ece l c e i h, a d i f all you coffee fuck*rs.

The e s espresso flavored custard with cookie pieces and el ch c la e ( he ki d ha ge ha d he i c ld). O e f b he ied i , a d he d e ca e f c ffee. I d hi k he liked i (he a lil dumb).

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From: McEwen, Thomas W. <mcewent@umsl.edu> Sent: Wednesday, September 16, 2020 11:00 AM To: UMSL Faculty + Staff Subject: Daily Incident/Fire Log

Note: September 14, 2020 – Report # 20-0369- 9:33 p.m. ILLEGAL DUMPING – PROVINCIAL HOUSE DUMPSTER. An UMSL faculty member was found dumping in a university dumpster. The faculty member was told they are for university business only. Faculty member claimed that dumping in a university dumpster was much more sanitary than dumping in Provincial House bathroom. PD agreed. Disposition: Report taken.

September 15, 2020 – Report # 20-0420 – 4:57 p.m. NOISE COMPLAINT – PIERRE LACLEDE’S FRIED CHICKEN. A neighbor reported that cat(s) and chicken(s) were meowing and bocking excessively from inside a house believed owned by the university. Officers did not make contact, as establishment is not owned by the university or affiliated in anyway. Disposition: Report taken.

September 16, 2020 – Report #20-0666 – 10:30 a.m. CHECK THE WELFARE – OAK HALL. Concerned parents were unable to contact their student. Student was located and just very, very high. Excessive giggling noted. Disposition: Report taken.

Lieutenant Tom McEwen

Commander: Bureau of Patrol Administration

1 University Blvd 44CPB St. Louis, MO 63121

TINDER ROULETTE The Age of Covid could easily turn anyone to drink.

Problem is drinking alone is no fun and bars are contagious breeding grounds for disease, more so than

NO SELF RESPECT REQUIRED 21+ *wink wink*

usual. Also Zoom is our god now. How do we marry these two? Well Zoom provides a happy medium wherein one can get shitfaced with their friends without the possibility of having to clean up after a friend.

Whether that’s apologizing to a passerby, cleaning the floor, or paying their tab. As such amidst the depravity of the times we live in, here’s a drinking game that mocks the cliché existence of strangers.

RULES

CLICHÉS •

1. Screen share Tinder on Zoom to look • at clichés people have on their profiles. • 2. Each new profile counts as a switch • between players (think how the gun is • • passed in Russian Roulette).

• 3. Cliches are counted across profiles, so • one may have 2 clichés and the next • one may have none, but the Cliché • Counter would still be at 2.

• 4. When the Cliché Counter hits 3, • whoever it landed on that with then takes a shot.

• 5. If one profile has 3 clichés then the • one who’s turn it is takes 3 shots.

• 6. If one profile exceeds 3 clichés, then for every cliché past 3, the other • participants take a shot.

*insert height here* “because that matters” Camera flash obscures their face Only want someone with a car and a job “If you talk to me don’t be boring” ”I don’t message first” Thinks smoking weed is a personality trait Quotes The Office in some way All their pictures are group photos Says their age on the app isn’t right and they don’t know how to correct it.

“Give me a reason to delete this app” “NO HOOKUPS” *in all caps of course* “Fluent in Sarcasm”

SOME MO’ OPTIONS

Has a picture of the Arch for some reason Cheers for the Blues or the Cardinals Profile has picture of them posing with a dead animal, or they mention how much they hate seeing people with dead animals Somethin Somethin country boy/girl

Yo. Fun fact: the Honors College puts this thing out once a year. Ever heard of it?

Of course you haven’t. Y’know why? Because it sucks. And do you know why it sucks? Because YOU haven’t submitted anything to it!!!!

Do you take pictures? Do you write prose or poetry? Do you spend months and months composing Italian turbo folk on your uncle’s synthesizer? Then send it to us, gosh dang it! Bellerive is a literary publication fueled by artsy weirdos, and publishing your work goes a long way toward making your résumé look all nice and shiny.

If you’d like to be considered for publication and you’re an UMSL student, faculty member, staff member, alumni, or goose, submit your works by visiting our Facebook page, emailing bellerivesubmit@umsystem.edu, or scanning the QR code to the right. All submissions are due before October 1st.

On second thought, do not submit if you’re a goose.

Goose art is not welcome here.

Submission Categories/Limits: • • • • •

Poetry – up to 5 poems Prose – up to 2 pieces (each 4,000 words or fewer) Photography – up to 6 digital images Art – up to 5 digital images Music – up to 2 pieces

Why the Hell is Kenny’s Cat Sim Sitting in a Crockpot? ”Sim is making sure Kenny can’t cook anything because Sim gets to eat first as the important one in the relationship”- Lindsay Salassi “I am not a furry. That’s my brother.”- Kenny

LOOK AT HOW ADORABLE THIS BASTARD IS

Sim the cat is clearly hanging out in a crockpot because Sim wants Kenny to die (slowly). Sim will slowly begin to control all cooking supplies in the kitchen, leaving Kenny more and more helpless. The crockpot is only the first thing that Sim is taking over. Soon Sim will begin to sit in front of the microwave door in the crockpot, so that Kenny can not use the crockpot or make any microwave meals.

Then Sim will move the microwave and crockpot in front of the stove, as to further restrict Kenny of needed supplies. Sim will then take the ice cream scooper and all the spoons and hide them in the microwave so that Kenny cannot drown his sadness in ice cream. Kenny will eventually starve and die, and Sim will come out the victorious God of Cats. – Claire Sutterer

Stop Being That Friend Known For Sending Dry Ass Texts Alternatives to Saying “Not Much” or • Just say whatever the Direct them to the FBI “Nothing” hell it is you’re doing.

Agent monitoring you.

• Make something up you unimaginative hack.

• State that your goals are beyond their understanding.

• Send an audio clip of you screeching.

• •

Deflect and ask them what they think Gilbert Gottfried is doing at this moment.

Say what you wish you were doing. (May we suggest the recreational activity of toaster tub?)

We really love Sammy, that’s why we make fun of her so much

Piss baby not smart enough to solve wordy thing?

1. Goose 7. Tabitha 2. Provincialhouse 8. brainstew 3. beard 9. shrine 4. bob 10. kimbaldass 5. Bellerive 11. sixtynine 6. Stick 12. pierrelaclede

Psst, hey you What you don’t like crosswords?

Well submit some content so we wouldn’t have to resort to such methods or don’t I’m not crying shut up you’re crying Johnny Smartman

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You may be wondering what the hell you just flipped through.

It’s a fair thought to have.

LET US ENLIGHTEN YOU Its called Brain Stew What it be: Brain Stew’s mission is to provide the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body, along with whatever faculty slumps to our level of unprofessionalism, a forum of free uncensored thought, commentary, and creativity.

Except ice cream, we have very strict guidelines that Claire adheres to.

Flex Time: We’ve been publishing for hellas, since either 1993 or 1991. We’re college students cut us some slack. We’ve won Office of Student Involvement’s awards for Best Sustained Program in Disclaimer: We issue no content 2012 & 2017, Best Cultural guidelines beyond those of state, local, Awareness Program in 2018, and and federal law. All content is the Program of the Year in 2020 responsibility of the creator. UMSL, PLHC, because Dan solicited votes in PLHCSA, and the Brain Stew staff are in exchange for letting us do donuts no way liable for content. in his crappy car. We also won In short, submit what you want but don’t awards from the National be an idjit or scumbag about it.

Collegiate Honors Council in 2017 How to Submit: Send whatever beautiful and 2018. Let us see if we win in piece of chaos you want to 2020 and I’ll be forced to type brainstew@umsl.edu out even more crap.