Brain Stew 2019-20, Issue 6

ISSUE 6 | NOVEMBER 2019

BRAIN STEW A

MINIMAL

NEWSLETTER

FOR

BULLSHIT

STEW OR STEW NOT THERE IS NO TRY YES

KATE,

THAT

IS

ED'S

FACE

ON

YODA

What is Brain Stew?

Brain Stew’s mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body a forum for uncensored free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus organizations. We have been publishing for over 25 years hand have won Student Involvement’s award for Best Sustained Program in 2012 and 2017, as well as two national awards from the National Collegiate Honors Council in 2017 & 2018.

How can I contribute to Brain Stew?

Send your editorials, articles, poems, plays, drawings, photography, fart jokes, personal ads, or whatever else you can think of to: brainstew@umsl.edu.

Disclaimer: We issue no content guidelines beyond those of state, local, and federal law. All content is the responsibility of the creator. UMSL, PLHCSA, PLHC and the Brain Stew staff are in no way liable for content. But feel free to complain.

Don’t Believe Us? Check out these legitimate awards!

3rd place, 2018, National Collegiate Honors Council student newsletter awards – print division Best Cultural Awareness Programming, 2018, Office of Student Involvement student leadership awards – “Inqueeries: Exploring the Intersections of Sex, Gender, and Sexuality” 3rd place, 2017, National Collegiate Honors Council student newsletter awards – online division Best Sustained Program, 2017, Office of Student Involvement student leadership awards Best Sustained Program, 2012, Office of Student Involvement student leadership awards

FOLLOW US ON TWITTER! @umslbrainstew

“All the News, Whether it’s Fit to Print or Not!”

SPECIAL EDITION

The Provincial House Times

TODAY: Brain Stew robbed!

Provenance? Meh, it’s not that great.

SPECIAL NATIONAL COLLEGIATE HONORS COUNCIL CONFERENCE EDITION

COST: $4.20

Brain Stew loses NCHC student newsletter contest for the first time in three years. Dan makes editors drive to New Orleans anyway, then turn around and come home immediately as punishment. By Monica Fartmeyer

Tony

“This was rough,” said Tony Deluvia, BS editor, “especially since he made us drive his 1999 Saturn, which does not have cruise control, GPS, power locks, power windows, or pretty much anything else. Also WTF is ‘leaded gasoline’? He made us keep looking for it, but I don’t know what the hell he is talking about.”

“Yeah, but there’s a working cigarette lighter, which is a plus. I had never actually seen one of those before,” said Sammy Jacobs, fellow BS editor.

The third editor, Monica Holtmeyer could not be reached for comment.

However, a spokesperson for Monica said that she was dealing with a very painful bladder infection, most likely due to spending 23 consecutive hours in the Saturn with no bathroom breaks.

“Pfft,” said Gerth. “There’s a bucket in the back seat. Kids today are spoiled.”

NCHC apologizes for holding annual conference in New Orleans.

By Monica Fartmeyer “We did not realize that Big Daddy’s Topless and Bottomless Club had closed,” said Rusty Rushton (yes, that’s his real name) of the NCHC administration. Apparently NCHC conference destinations are always chosen by proximity to nakedness, especially the bottom half. “We thought it was still open. The second C in NCHC stands for Cooter, you know,” said Rushton, who also let Brain Stew know in October that they had not won the student newsletter contest – for some reason. The editors took the news surprisingly well.

My name is not Fartmeyer! I’m getting real tired of this joke. By Monica Fartmeyer Also, I did not write any of these stories. I would never write the word “cooter,” trust me. You miss one Brain Stew dinner, and Dan never forgives you.

No Monica Fartmeyer in either picture from the BS awards dinner on Thursday.

“Tony and Monica can suck a big bag of d***s,” said Sammy Jacobs, seen here (right) with former editor Nicole Gevers. “I got my award last year in Boston, bitches!”

Is it bologna? Brain Stew editors and writer unable to understand the foods offered at fancy-ass Clayton restaurant.

By Monica Fartmeyer Thursday, November 6th, Herbie’s in Clayton. Dan takes Tony, Sammy, and Jacobs out to celebrate the award that BS should have won – if the NCHC wasn’t run by a bunch of crooks.

And pedophiles, probably.

“I really think it’s bologna,” said Tony Deluvia. “No way,” exclaimed BS writer Mya Horn. “There’s no way some fancy Clayton restaurant would have bologna on their meat plate.” “It’s like bologna, but with a fancier name,” said Tony. “That sounds like bullsh*t,” replied Sammy Jacobs. “Also are those black round things raisins or cranberries or what?” “They’re like those fancy raisins that aren’t called raisins. Maybe croissants… no, that’s not it. Currants?” said Tony.

Above: the charcuterie board that Mya “I was raised in a barn” calls the “meat plate.”

Below: Sammy points to the meat, which may or may not have been bologna.

Above: Tony Deluvia. Have questions about bologna and raisins? Email: agd7xf@mail.umsl.edu

Due to high demand by over-worked professors, an additional course has been added to the Spring 2020 Course Descriptions packet. Please read and consider registering for this informative course if you are still needing Honors Internship or Independent Study. *ATTENTION; 6.0 HOURS OF INDEPENDENT STUDY OR INTERNSHIP (WITHIN HONORS OR YOUR MAJOR) ARE REQUIRED FOR ALL PLHC STUDENTS* HONORS 6900 -013 #80085 Honors Internship & Independent Study MWF 4:20 ARR Practicing Professorship: Thinking about joining the ranks of academia? Then join your favorite Honors professor for this once in a lifetime academic opportunity to both earn Honors Internship credit and to build your resume. With a professor as your supervisor, they will pick the class that they teach that will offer you the most opportunity for growth and experience. You will then get the chance to master first-hand skills such as, public speaking as teach all of their classes, writing and communication as you grade all of their papers, leadership skills as you attend all of their campus meetings, evidence-based thinking as you complete their research, and interpersonal electronic communications by answering all of their emails (consider this an opportunity for creative exploration as well--you will be required to devise novel ways to say “It’s in the syllabus” without coming off as cold or unsympathetic).

Students wishing to take this course for 2 credit hours may also learn supplementary skills necessary to survive the field of academia such as mixology, personal budgeting, sarcasm, and existential angst. This opportunity is perfect for students considering graduate school as many of you will be asked to do all of these things and more for your graduate mentors, without class credit. Your instructors are eager to fill these spots immediately, specifically before we have to

Still not sure what classes to take? Don’t worry! Kate Votaw has you covered!

UM System President Mun Choi announced this week a partnership with Google's new Deep Education team.

"We've been given a great opportunity to be part of the future. I have no doubt that this partnership will greatly expand our ability to provide accessible, affordable education", Choi said. "Each university within the UM System has chosen one college to participate in testing a new Deep Learning, AI-driven artificial educator. Google has combined cutting edge technologies from the worlds of machine learning, robotics, and behavioral psychology to produce the first humanoid robot capable of leading a classroom: the Dynamic Educational Android Nstructor, or D.E.A.N." Utilizing android teachers could help the UM System meet its long-term budgeting goals, and provide a more consistent classroom experience, Choi continued. D.E.A.N does not require sleep, meaning that one android could easily teach both day and night classes, with no worry of fatigue or poor performance. Questions of classroom misconduct would be a thing of the past, since D.E.A.N records every moment of interaction with students and fellow faculty members.

The Honors College is proud to announce that we will be welcoming D.E.A.N to our college in the upcoming Spring 2020 semester.

Students will be able to choose from several new courses, each chosen by D.E.A.N to both compliment and enhance our current curriculum.

Computational Linguistics: This course introduces the statistical methods and tools required to analyze data from natural language perception, translation, and other fields of linguistic science. Data is read aloud and charted using colored pencils and paper as charts are not allowed. No theorem-based reasoning is permitted. Instead, empirical evidence is used to inform future conclusions. Semantic analysis and experimentation are encouraged.

Emphasis is on using data sensibly and producing rigorous, technically sound conclusions.

The Soccer God: The Life and Times of Charles Lindbergh – Part I: Charles Lindbergh's personal pilot's logbook is an invaluable resource for researchers, students, researchers, and the general public. The logbook contains entries relating to Lindbergh's various endeavors, from leading the United States into World War II to participating in the Olympic Games in 1948, from which it is valuable to understand his professional and personal life. In this course, we will look at how the logbook can

America's Sweethearts: Whether it was Monroe, Sarah Jane or Lucy and Albert, every American loves a Southern Belle and believes that they were married at Caniff's Row. But was this romance a ruse to line the pockets of wealthy Southern grooms and travel companies? Or was it a happy accident of history that today we know as Love ActuallyÂŽ? In this course, we will examine how romantic notions of romantic love and marital fidelity have fundamentally changed over the past half-century.

The Monkey Trial: Market Segregation and Elucidation of Propaganda are two of the best-known and most cited texts on public speaking. However, they are only two of the many texts that can explain the infamous "The Fiery Cross" placard incident of Yalta. This course will introduce students to the history of the Yalta conference of World War II, the issue of the "The Fiery Cross" placard incident, and the meaning of the term propaganda. We will also look at how the conference was organized, selected speakers, and the tactics and motivations of the "enemy." Lastly, students will be tested on written research and will have the opportunity to examine a historical photo exhibit to determine for ourselves if the Fiery Cross symbolHonors Accounting: What is it? When will it be used? This course is designed to provide an introduction to the theory and practice of accounting, in order to provide an opportunity to do specific HMahPs. The student is expected to have a basic understanding of the law, and an understanding of how financial statements are filed and approved. Students should be able to use basic logic and quantitative abilities to justify the use of statistical methods in the preparation of financial statements.

Rage Against the Gender Machine: Take your activism to the next level with our new T shirt design!

Who needs editors? You readers are perfectly capable of making your own damn issue. You’re not Honors College students because of your grades as much as you are for your ability to bullshit. Draw your own damn issue!

Someone actually convinced Kenny to submit to Brain Stew? Oh wow! What sorcery is this?!?

Bahhh!

Wow that was actually decent… Maybe he isn’t just using Brain Stew to shit post his DIY memes…

Bahh!! Defeated again...

It’s that time of year again: Thanksgiving! That means you will be asked that dreaded “What are you thankful for?” question. But what is the Honors College thankful for? Jenna Haddock took the time to ask our very own Jen Richardson this awful question…

Things Jen Richardson is thankful for: (Written by Jenna Haddock)

1. Jenna Haddock (Favorite Student in the Honors College) 2. Her dog 3. Her husband 4. Team Dog 5. Quick zoo trips 6. UMSL (sometimes) 7. Students who take the candy offered to them 8. The Blues 9. Lack of wasps in the winter 10.Students who get stuck between two parking blocks 69. Not Dan Gerth

KENNY'S MEME DUMP BACK AT IT AGAIN

Marvel Cinematic Universe: Small Updates By: Jenna Haddock Small Updates

Y’all, nothing big has been happening in the MCU since Spiderman almost left to go back with Sony. There have been no credible reports about filming for movies or shows that we don’t already know about. No new cast members have been revealed! There is nothing crazy or surprising to tell you! But, from all the little things that have occurred, here is a summary: Black Widow movie is still filming Trailor to be released in late November or early December Falcon and the Winter Soldier tv series has started filming Ant- Man 3 has been said to start filming in January of 2021 Deadpool 3 is being rumored

It is almost award season so lots of “For Your Consideration” campaigns have been launched for this year's movies The Eternals filming had to be stopped and actors had to be evacuated from an island because they found an unexploded bomb.

Now, I know number 6 is pretty crazy, but no one was hurt and there have been no other reporting about what happened and as of today, some leaked set photos made an appearance so I assume they just moved locations and continued to shoot more of the film.

Don’t forget that almost all Marvel and Disney Films will be on Disney+ when it releases on November 12th so if you have no idea about anything Marvel related, go watch some movies!!!

Also, send me some questions so I have something to write about!

-Jenna

Thank you all for playing today’s college-wide email contest! For some reason neither Jade nor Jennifer chimed in. To recap, the contest involved this week’s pets of the week. Specifically, the Heather: Well, since Freedom eats Olive’s cousins every time she has her Fancy Feast Classic Cat Food I would imagine a lot!

Kylee: With good ol’ American Freedom, we all have the rights to life, liberty, pursuit of happiness, and eating fried chicken! Freedom

Lindsay: Freedom wants to eat Olive 10 out of 10. You can tell because he's clearly dreaming about his tasty meal in the picture.

Monica: 8. Freedom is always hungry but the lil chub and desire for naps slows down Freedom's will to chase chickens.

Saida: Obviously it's a 1 because even a cat with Freedom wouldn't want to eat an Olive.

While I like all answers, Kylee wins. Fried chicken is my favorite food, and probably the thing that I am best at cooking (I still use lard when possible). Also, patriotism.

Thank you all for playing!

Dan

WE WANT YOU! Join the CRP Sponsored by Team Cat*

​ ​ver the past 33 years, it has come to our O attention that the birds- yes those feathery beasts- have been killed and replaced with spies, courtesy of former president Ronald Reagan. The birds are now watching our each and every move but this is nothing new. What is new, however, is the recent study and observation of a new type of spy who all work for the bourgeoisie-- chickens.

“But how?” you might ask. The answer is easy and it lies within our own homosapien DNA. Chickens and humans have a lot in common- especially when it comes to social power and having a class system. Chickens have what is called a "pecking order." The pecking order is how they govern themselves and decide which chicken has what power or lack thereof.

Sounds familiar, right? As humans, we also have this idea of needing to have governing bodies and class systems in our societies and categorize ourselves into power rankings.

Reagan, back in 1986, killed the birds and replaced them with spies, however he spared the chickens. The sparing of the chickens

was strictly due to the fact that this certain type of bird can't help but crave the idea of social categorization, so when Reagan offered them a method to become of higher power than lower class humans and be one with the bourgeoisie they couldn't refuse.

The chickens not only work for the bourgeoisie, they help run it and they provide more information and inside work than any other bird group. Their pecking order is slowly becoming our social ideal.

Be weary of these corn-eating animals my friends, they aren't what they might seem.

Many, and by many I mean the select few who are convinced of the innocence of these societal order craving monsters, enjoy claiming that this is simply ridiculous because chickens can be considered a type of dinosaur. Well, between you and I, I definitely did not live during that time (and neither did they…), but who is to say the prehistoric chicken/dinosaur was not the bourgeoisie of their time? The chicken/dinosaur, which have evolved into the animal we see today, almost undoubtedly ran the social order and spied on each and every jurassic creature that roamed the earth before we did.

However, due to the continuous extinction of life on earth and the rebirth after a sum of years, the chickens, when faced with our time, have not yet evolved to the level of entitlement it once had over 240 million years ago… yet. See, here’s the thing- Ronald Reagan has given them another shot at this prehistoric dominance and they have taken it. It is only so long before they take over humanity and we are begging on our knees for them to spare us.

If you are just as outraged and out-right terrified as I am for the coming Chicken Regimen, then join team cat’s newest, and possibly most important groupThe Cat Revolutionary Proletariats. This group of esteemed cat lovers are here to dismantle the system of possible dominance over human kind at the feet the chickens.

Please, fear not about cats. Let’s be honestif humanity falls to the chickens then who is there to scratch cats behind the ears and feed them at every beck and call? Nobody. That is why the cats and their followers have started this group. Please, join the Cat Revolutionary Proletariats and help us take down the coming Chicken Regimen.

The CRP is the future and the future is now. Currently there are 22.85 billion chickens on earth. Each and EVERY one of

them work for the bourgeoisie and they are here to dismantle everything humanity has and is working towards. This is not a matter of if, it is a matter of when. Join Team Cat and the CRP now to ensure your place in the future, to make history, and guarantee the survival of humanity.

*Not actually sponsored by Team Cat, it just sounded good...