Brain Stew 2019-20, Issue 7

Do your own damn

UNDERSTEW

Did Epstein kill himself?

(name)

(name)

draw three honors faculty members in the boxes above

(name)

write their answers to this question in the boxes above

What is Nicole Gevers up to? Part: Uh we forget what number this is. Also, we don’t know what she’s doing, but here’s what her boyfriend, Jed, is doing.

Who do you think Jed is talking to?

A. Nicole B. Ed, who used to live at 420 Weed Lane

C. Some boomer, as is obvious from the age.

D. Both B & C

Brain Stew is full of Normies. ​

By Your Mom.

Good afternoon, my fellow intellectuals. My name is Yoshikage Kira. I'm 33 years old. My house is in the northeast section of Morioh, where all the villas are, and I am not married. I work as an employee for the Kame Yu department stores, and I get home every day by 8 PM at the latest. I don't smoke, but I occasionally drink.

I'm in bed by 11 PM, and make sure I get eight hours of sleep, no matter what.

After having a glass of warm milk and doing about twenty minutes of stretches before going to bed, I usually have no problems sleeping until morning. Just like a baby, I wake up without any fatigue or stress in the morning. I was told there were no issues at my last check-up.

I'm trying to explain that I'm a person who wishes to live a very quiet life. I take care not to trouble myself with any enemies, like winning and losing, that would cause me to lose sleep at night. That is how I deal with society, and I know that is what brings me happiness. Although, if I were to fight I wouldn't lose to anyone.

Consider yourself lucky, kid. You got me to take out my sword. I was hoping it didn't have to come to this. Even I thought I wouldn't have to do this. Witness me as pull out my sword, a beautiful piece of glorious Nippon steel, folded over ten thousand times, crafted by the greatest swordmakers the land of Nippon has to offer. I have trained with this blade in several schools, but my power exceeded the strength of even their greatest masters. My techniques have been perfected through infinite training, my instincts honed by years of meditation in the far off land of Akihabara. Your depravity has doomed you to a death devoid of honor, be grateful that I at least grant you death by the blade using only 5% of my true power. ​teleports behind you​ Nothin' personnel kid.

-Stolen from the internet.

METH. I’M ON IT. ALSO, SLIPPERS.

METH. WE’RE ON IT.

Contest: Do turkeys also work for the bourgeoisie? Does that make Thanksgiving a communist holiday? Explain your answer!

Many people mistake the bourgeoisie vs proletariat conflict as a classist issue, but in reality it is a speciesist issue of humans oppressing turkeys throughout history.

Turkeys, the proletariats, have recently been at work beginning their revolution with the help of vegetarians and vegans. Maybe someday we'll see a world with no speciesist lines between humans and turkeys, and turkeys will be living among us with the same benefits and rights that we have.

In short, Thanksgiving is not a communist holiday, but it may inspire a future communist society by pushing turkeys to the point of full revolution.

- Lindsay Salassi

LIVE turkeys work for the bourgeoisie. Remember in our previous lesson: All birds work for the bourgeoisie.

Turkeys are birds.

Therefore birds work for the bourgeoisie.

The turkeys we eat, however, aren't really "working". We don't know what they are but we do know the government planted this special, fake meat for a purpose. It is my goal this thanksgiving to dissect every frozen and cooked turkey I come across to search for trackers, mind control devices, or hormones that make you sexually attracted to muppets. (I'm sure the government was involved in that somehow...)

Be careful and stay vigilant this thanksgiving. I, for one, am thankful that I am one step closer to the truth about "birds".

-Mya Horn

Completely legit horoscopes that make a lot of sense and you should really trust me with your finances.

By Arataka Reigen.

Our completely legit and 100% science-proven horoscopes can and will predict your past, present and future. It will predict your current actions and possible actions. It predicted that you would read this, and it will predict when you go to bear jail.

It’s happening trust me.

BASIC BITCH HOROSCOPES: Aries March 21st - April 19th or 20th, no one cares. Aries is the big sheep with horns btw.: - Stop being a massive Chad. With the glass ceiling broken, all the oppressed groups shall prosper, especially the most oppressed group of all… GAMERS. - Bear jail is gonna happen on a Tuesday.

Taurus April 20th - May 20th. Maybe. I could be lying. Taurus is apparently just a bull. Sucks to be you.

- It’s goth time. Man oh man goth time all the time. Embrace your inner goth. There’s a bunch of nice goths for you to fit in with. Did you know they have subcultures? My personal favorite is the one where you look like Dan Gerth and completely deny that you are secretly a goth.

- Bears hate bulls. You get bear jail on a Friday.

Gemini May 22nd - June 22nd. May 21st doesn’t exist. Neither does the moon. You get two idiot kids as your symbol. Probably one of the lamest possible ones. Besides Libra. Who likes being represented by frickin’ scales??

- You don’t need friends, they disappoint you.

- Bear jail, well, honey, you’ve got a big storm coming.

Cancer June 21st - Jul 22nd. Please be aware that our dates are perfectly specific, as they are based in perfectly legitimate science. There are no possible overlaps-ah shit. You get cancer.

It’s not a crab, its just cancer. Congrats on cancer. Also the image for yours looks like 69. Nice.

- You actually are gwowing tuwu havu a wovewy dway todawy yew wucky wucky bowy. I howp yuw hawve a wovely dawy. I wuv yuw. OwO Owh, yuw dwon’t wike mwe? I swent ywu a pwictwure owv mwoi twail, pwease wepwy two mwe. Dawts owkay, I uwndwaswand. Unwess? OwO - The bweaws wiww twake yuw from mwy cowwd dwead bwody, Swenpwai. UwU Leo Jul 23rd - Aug 22nd. You get a lion. That’s pretty badass.

You, however, are not.

- Make this your new theme song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n8RGxBOwCTM - The bears are now Big Bird.

Virgo​ Aug 23rd to Sept 22nd. Lol your sign is the virgin.

- Okay, here’s what you gotta do. The sea floor is split open, and swallow the Carribean. Earthquakes ravage the West Coast of America and goblins are really REALLY scary. Ew, I don’t like em. I don’t goblins. Awaaagh.

- Bear jail is tomorrow. Express your farewells.

gonna will still like

Libra Sept 23rd - October 22nd. You’re represented by a set of freaking scales. I pity you.

- Start playing Crazy Eights. It’s a card game. So everyone gets eight cards, and you take turns stacking up cards, kinda like how you play Uno. Eights are basically the wild card.

Breathe on the eight card while you play.

Congratulations, you’ve played breath of the wild.

- Bear jaaaaaaail is cominggggggg.

Scorpio October 23rd - November 21st. Your mascot is a scorpion, PSYCH, YOUR MASCOT IS A SWOLE PIKACHU THAT USES ITS THICCCC BICEPS TO give you a hug.

- Dagoth Ur welcomes you my sweet persistent friend. To this place where destiny is made, why have you come unprepared?

Nerevar, friend or traitor come and look upon the heart. wait for you countless ages on your next incarnation. What a grand innocence. Did you get the false Sunder? So naive, shame on you. Moon and Star I'm Dagoth Ur and I'm a god there's no escape, so come to me and bring Wraithguard through fire and war where we last met.

- The bears started playing Morrowind. Now they’re working for Bethesda.

Sagittarius November 22nd - December 21st. Your sign is the Archer. Fate S/N references everywhere. Smh my smh. You’ll never see this im too sneaky.

- wii phone & ojomajo doremi is your whole personality.

- Oh snap, snap, spark, spark It's time to light up, the diggy-diggy dark I'm the flame alchemist, and I'm gonna be fuhrer! My beats are high, and my rhymes are purer! I like the ladies, in the mini-skirts I be posing in the mirror without my fancy shirts! I'm gonna set'cha heart on fire!

WHOOSH WHOOSH And you know my heart burns bright too!

KABOOM KABOOM My firepower tonight is feeling just right KABLAM KABLAM W I C K Y W I C K Y W I C K Y WAA! Capricorn December 22nd - January 19th. You’re a goat. … Badass.

JK you’re just a weeb with shit taste in memes.

- Well you were shopping for a new car, which ones you? A cool convertible or an SUV? Too bad you didn't know your credit was whack and now you’re driving off the lot in a used sub-compact.

F-R-E-E that spells free. creditreport.com baby. Saw their ads on your TV, thought about going but you were too lazy, Now instead of looking fly and rolling fat, your legs are sticking to the vinyl and your posses getting laughed at! F-R-E-E that spells free. creditreport.com baby! Offer applies for enrollment and triple advantage.

- Bear jail used NordVPN to hide its data so we don’t know when you’re getting sent to bear jail. Probably before Sagittarius will. Frickin’ Sagittarius.

- HASHIRE SORI YO, KAZE NO YOOO NI, TSUKIMI HARA WO, PADORU PADORUUUUUUUUU Aquarius January 20th - February 18th. Your sign is the water bearer.

- Saturdays Your left very very very very - You don’t

are unlucky. Blue is unlucky. Cats are unlucky. shoe is very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very lucky. get to go to bear jail.

Pisces February 19th - March 20th. You’re fishes. Literally just some fish. You’re probably in the water that Aquarius is carrying.

- Watch out for worms, fishing gear, and hooks.

- Bears are gonna eat you too.

BONUS HOROSCOPE FROM CHINA SO YOU KNOW IT’S LEGIT: Rat:​ Actually, MEGHAN, I can’t sit anywhere, I have hemorrhoids.

Ox:​ Bop it. Twist it. Pull it. NYOOM. Tiger:​ It is Wednesday, my dudes. EEAAAAAAAAAAHHH Rabbit:​ MARY, IS THAT THE POLICE? I’M CALLING THE WEED! Dragon:​ I GOT 2 FREE TACOS. Snake:​ Hi, my name is chelsea, what’s your favorite dinner food?

Horse: Dear diary, today I couldn’t find my diary, writing this on the back of my Kung Fu Panda 2 DVDs.

so

I’m

Goat: Wait WHAT, what do you mean you’re not coming to my tea party? BETHANY, I MADE BISCUITS! Monkey:​ Well, when life gives you lemons.

Rooster​: Hi, welcome to Chili’s.

Dog​: On all levels except physical, I am a wolf.

Pig:​ How do you know what’s good for me, tHAT’S MY OPINIOOOON!

CE N

CE N

CENSORED FOR BOOMERS

CENSORED FOR BOOMERS

SOR

SOR

ED F

ED F

OR

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BOO

MER

BOO

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CENSORED FOR BOOMERS

CENSORED FOR BOOMERS

CENSORED FOR BOOMERS

CENSORED FOR BOOMERS

Breakdown I am currently having A John Hughes -esque monologue With myself, In which I am Ferris bueller Speaking to an invisible audience That I don’t even know is there I am so goddamn miserable I don’t want to be a human today But I feel like I can’t complain To the people that are real.

My life is the movie Home for the Holidays , It’s one of those where the family is great But in general, other things are crappy.

But I guess this is how life works now And I gotta get used to it somehow.

But yet, pretending you’re in a John Hughes movie, Complaining to no one but yourself Is awfully therapeutic.

420 I wish I could blaze it But my anxiety is already High enough Insomnia Light pollution bothers me because I Hardly ever get to sleep So I lay awake counting sheep And stars that aren’t there Apathetic I’ve had so many emotions In the span of one hour That I now feel nothing Except Emptiness.

Ode to Bagel Beautiful, round, brown bun Vehicle for cream cheese and ham Well beloved by everyone A fine pastry of man

Announcing the Winner of Brain Stew’s Show Us Your 420 Contest!

Thanks to everyone who sent us random 420 pictures! Because of you, we have indisputable proof of the hidden weed agenda in computer printers, hotel rooms, Cane’s fried chicken, high school lockers, Sherry’s retirement clock, area codes, household cleansers, toilet paper, and so much more! Special thanks to Mike Votaw (aka Mr. Kate Votaw), whose 420 radar is second to none – for some reason, surely innocent.

But the winner who submitted what is undoubtedly the greatest 420 picture we have ever seen is…

Ed’s wife, Sue Carstensen

A huge Brain Stew thanks to the woman who alerted us to the fact that Ed once lived at 420 Weed Lane in South Carolina! Actually, we’re not 100% sure the street was “Weed Lane,” but the photographic evidence of Ed’s former residence speaks for itself.

I’m like, Ed’s dog, man. I need a Scooby snack!

This is Ed – let me in! Ed’s not here, man. No, this is Ed!

Stay tuned for the spring semester when Brain Stew brings you a new contest: Show Us Your 69!

No pictures from any faculty or staff members allowed under any circumstances. Don’t make us file a Title 69 complaint.

DOODLE STEW because it’s the end of the semester and dammit we’re tired by Kate Votaw

bonus tic tac toe

ideas: - boomers - boomers - bloggers - bloggers - BLOGGERS - boomer & BLOGGER kim likes busch dan, shaved his beard after the war

ideas: - someone u hate, hint hint guy in my macro class that doesn’t shut up - baby yoda - needles - if you’re reading this help - i’m trapped in dan’s basement - i haven’t had anything to eat except soylent green lays chips

The Cycle Begins Again | “See you later, Winston,” I say to my colleague as he punches out. Winston waves and walks out the door, his tall frame slouched in exhaustion from his long shift.

Nat and I continue to eat our dinner in silence for a while, and then she mutters something to me.

“What did you say?” I mumble to Nat around my sandwich. Her hands, resting lovingly on my forearms, turn to claws and dig forcefully into me.

“The cycle begins again,” she says and shoves me into the cement wall of the lobby.

I watch as Nat goes from being a cute, slender girl to a full-on hell beast in seconds and sprint to the lab.

I slam the door behind me, my breath escaping my lungs faster than I was escaping her. I hear fist after fist pound on the metal door, but she can’t get through. The door makes a soft click sound and I push my ragged body off it. It’s locked tight now; I’m safe.

What happened? One moment everything seemed fine. Something had felt off, but I didn’t think it was that off. We had been eating dinner together at the lab, working late as usual for our Friday nights. Nat must’ve gotten contaminated by our experiment earlier. What does she mean, ‘the cycle’? I’ve heard some of my coworkers mention contamination happening, but I didn’t know how it happened. I figured it wouldn’t happen to us.

Her fists begin to slam on the door again, her howls echoing through the thick metal as if she can sense my presence lingering there. The screaming halts suddenly and turns to sobs.

“Jordan, let me in. I’m sorry,” she wails. I glance to my left at the security monitor. Nat’s appearance is still altered, her red hair swirling around her thin frame like tongues of fire, claws

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The Cycle Begins Again | stretching out of her fingertips like thorns of a rose, her eyes white as her lab coat, her skin covered in black veins from head to (I assume) toe. Her lab coat is torn from her spine arching and elongating like the trunk of a gnarled tree.

Nat, no, the monster, continues to toy with my heart, making pitiful sounds through the door at me. Its eyes flash like a camera and the wounds Nat inflicted on my arms burn like it had poured acid on me. It takes all my willpower to not cry out in pain and reveal my position.

I must get away from the monster and out of the lab. Slamming on the emergency call button with my better hand, I start jogging, pausing only to take a picture of the map on the wall to my right. The further I get from the monster, the louder the pain in my arms screams until I’m on my knees, tears in my eyes. I stumble on my knees over to a lab sink and do my best with the first aid kit on the wall to dress the claw marks that are scrawled down my forearms. The blood in the wounds, to my horror, has begun to turn black like the veins networked all over the monster’s body. I keep my breathing even, trying not to panic.

It’s okay Jordan, just wrap them up and get out. Then you can go to a hospital. Even a few rooms away from that stupid metal door, I still can clearly hear the screams. They have begun to sound like laughter. I shut the monster out again and continue walking through rooms, the pain dulled but still barely tolerable. I grit my teeth as the burning starts again and my throat releases a small squeak. This time I hear laughter from behind the metal door. “Can you hear me yet, Jordan?” the monster coos, in both Nat’s sultry tones and in another more sinister and deep underneath. I place my hand on the door handle in front of me, and to my horror my hand has become spider-webbed with black veins.

What is this? What is happening? I rack my brain, trying not to waste too many precious seconds. My head hurts too much to think very deeply about it, probably because Nat shoved me 4

The Cycle Begins Again | inhumanly hard into the cement wall in the lobby and the back of my head had bashed into it. We had received the body of a possessed man earlier today and Nat had cut her hand with one of his claws, but we hadn’t thought anything of it. The cut hadn’t even bled. Winston cleaned and bandaged her up just to be safe, and yet this still happened. Why didn’t she show signs of the monster being present until right then? I’m not transforming that instantaneously, so why did she? This kind of transformation and attack doesn’t even happen in movies very often, and I quickly change the channel when they do because it’s too scary. I prefer rom-coms; rom-coms don’t do me dirty like that.

The shock starts to set in from my wounds, my brain switching more into autopilot. I just look at the map on my phone and stagger through doors, ignoring my horrifying change in appearance as best I can. Door knobs start becoming more difficult due to the claws beginning to push out of my fingertips. Panic continues to rise in my body. What is happening to me? I’m not a monster, I’m Jordan. A human. What is going on? The monster’s voice keeps appearing in my head, trying to convince me that I am no longer human. It whispers for me to turn back, to join Nat and it, to help them. What do they need my help for? I press my free hand on my temples, trying to force the voice out of my head. My short hair sticks to my hand with cold sweat. The banging on the metal door is getting louder and louder with every step my tired feet take. My vision is beginning to darken around the edges. Everything I see looks like it’s projected onto a television screen, which helps me deal with what is happening. I’m just playing a scary video game. I’m okay. Everything is fine.

After a moment, I realize that I’m going the wrong way and I must backtrack. It laughs at me again, its voice mingling with her bubbly laughter. The claws are getting longer, and my

The Cycle Begins Again | already pale skin is becoming almost translucent. It’s all that I have to keep my cool and push onward. It’s okay, Jordan. Just get out and someone will be able to help you. Everything is fine.

“You’ll never get out, Jordan. You will become one with me. You’re mine, now.” I try to shut out the monster’s voice from my head, but it gets louder with every doorway I pass through.

Pain shoots into my temples and I press both of my palms to them, dropping my phone in the process. I try to catch it but focusing on my clawed hands sends a new wave of panic through me and I freeze. The screen shatters and the light fades from the screen, my map gone. As I look dejectedly at my phone, I notice that the voice in my head is growing louder still, and so is the banging. I crouch into a ball and open my mouth to scream, but I only let a squeak escape. I can’t take much more of this. A very loud clang emanates from behind me and I jump. It got through the metal door. How did the monster get through the metal door? It’s going to find me. Luckily, I have been closing doors behind me so it’s much harder to navigate this labyrinth of labs. Plus, it doesn’t know which exit I’ve decided on. I stand up and press forward, my progress slowed by panic and exhaustion.

The exit is a few doors ahead of me. I can barely make out the glowing red EXIT sign through my darkened, hazy vision. Suddenly I feel as though a hook has been dug in underneath my spine and is pulling it upward. I arch my back and howl in pain, dropping to the floor. I grit my teeth and feel fangs instead of incisors. I hear my lab coat tear. Pain replaces all the panicked thoughts about my transformation. After a moment of crumpled-on-the-floor agony, I glance up to see that the exit door I need is at my clawtips. I brush my palm against it, unable to move any further.

The Cycle Begins Again | I continue to grapple with the monster, though my body surely resembles Nat’s by now.

That thought shakes me to the core. “You wouldn’t be feeling so much pain if you’d give in to me, Jordan, it murmurs almost lovingly in my head. The pain in my back returns and it’s all I have not to bend to the monster’s will.

There are footfalls behind the door I am slumped in front of. I tap my fingers on the door rapidly, unable to speak of my own accord anymore.

The door opens, and I can make out Winston’s tired face peering around the door’s edge.

My lab partner, my friend and colleague, and my savior screams at the sight of me. I hold my wrists together and motion them gently up at him and he understands, grabbing some wires to tie me up. He apologizes when he notices a grimace on my face as he binds my wrists together, but I can’t even feel the wires. I hear a loud crash behind us, and we turn to see two men in lab coats pinning the monster down. They inject it with a thick blue liquid, and soon it stops writhing underneath them.

Pain erupts into my back again and I beat my clawed fists on the tile floor, a human scream escaping my fanged mouth. One of the men hustles to us and Winston begs him not to hurt me. “Jordan is still in there, you heard that scream,” he says. The man nods and pulls out a syringe with a translucent green liquid in it, very different than the one used on Nat’s body. He gives Winston instructions that I can’t hear over the screaming of it in my head. “Kill them, kill them, KILL THEM!” it screams, the deep voice seeming to reverberate inside of my skull. I put my bound hands on my forehead and groan in pain.

The Cycle Begins Again | Winston walks over and kneels in front of me.

“Jordan, he says you may not survive this,” I nod and use my bruised knuckles to carefully brush a tear from his soft face, “but I promise you I will work to release you from this

7

carefully brush a tear from his soft face, “but I promise you I will work to release you from this hell. This is a serum that will force your body to reject whatever toxin was put into it. It might work, since you still have a grip on yourself.” His tone is confident, but his worried expression betrays him.

I want to tell him my grip on myself is slipping, and that I’d rather die like Nat than continue living in pain and that everything hurts and that the wires around my wrists have started snapping, but I cannot. Winston starts to inject the serum and, to save him, I slam my hands into the floor and then kick him away from me. “You’re mine now, Jordan.” It takes control of my actions and I stand up, ripping my bindings in half. I feel a frown form on my face as it and I see Winston was caught by the guard and the syringe is empty. He did it. “No, what have you done?!” it screams in my head.

The monster flies into a blind rage and holds control of me for as long as it can, making me scratch the hell out of the men that pinned the monster earlier. I turn to Winston and I can see my reflection in his wide eyes. My own eyes are white instead of their normal brown, my body is covered in black veins, and my posture is hunched and menacing. I lung at Winston to presumably finish the monster’s “cycle” and fall to my knees, hard.

I grasp control again and all I feel is pain. My voice is my own when I collapse and call out to Winston. He rushes to my side and pulls me onto his lap. I am screaming and crying for Winston to help me and all he can do is cry and hold me tightly, his blue eyes red with tears. He doesn’t want to lose Nat and me on the same day. As I struggle for consciousness, I hear it crow “I’m taking you with me, Jordan. He will never see you again.” With the last of my effort I wipe The Cycletear Begins Again | sweet face and thank him. He smiles at me and, right before the one more off Winston’s darkness around my vision engulfs me, I feel at peace. My arms go limp and my clawed finger 8 slashes a shallow cut into his face. I faintly hear the monster laughing.

“Ah, the cycle begins again.”

METH. I’M ON IT.

republishing this because it’s good and relevant to this day

WHAT IS BRAIN STEW? Brain Stew’s mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body a forum for uncensored free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus organizations. We have been publishing for over 25 years and won the Student Life’s award for Best Sustained Program in 2012 and 2017 as well as TWO national titles from the National Collegiate Honors Council in 2017 & 2018.

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