Brain Stew '17 / '18 - Issue 13

The Understew

We ask the faculty stupid questions. They answer, stupidly.

What are your thoughts on arming teachers in the classroom?

Dan Gerth Pfff, guns in schools? Puh-lease, they don’t pay me enough to do anything heroic. Sorry folks, but if there’s an intruder in ProHo, you better believe I’m making my way for exit. (But probably not before stealing all the bacon from the dining hall.) Besides, guns are so lame. You know, back in my day, we defended ourselves with bows and arrows. If you’re gonna arm me in my own place of employment, at least make it with something cool. That’s what I use to protect my cat Bob from intruders, but he does a pretty good job of scary off predators himself. That, and our paintball gun that we use to shoot at strollers when they pass in front of our house.

Nancy Gleason Oh, I just don’t know. I mean, I want our students to feel as safe as possible, but guns are just so, oh you know, I mean they’re guns! You know what, I think I maaay have a solution: We can just employ my dog Perry as a guard dog! He’d do such a great job of protecting us, and I’m sure he wouldn’t mind seeing all the students every day!

Perry Eliot Gleason Woof woof ! I’m the goodest boi! I will do you all a protecc (in exchange for yummy treats and full medical, dental, and vision care).

Ann Torrusio Are you serious?? Of course that’s a bad idea! You know how many students I’ve pissed off over the years? I don’t mean to brag or anything, but it is quite impressive.

I don’t want a gun ANYWHERE near that environment. Can you imagine me brandishing a handgun at my hip, and some hot-head student lunges for it, grabs it, and chaos ensues? Disastrous! Besides, who needs an actual weapon with guns like these? *flexes biceps* Any intruder desicdes to come into Provincial House, I can garuntee you I’ll beat the living shit of them.

(And yes, that’s a gender neutral “them”—while it’s stitistically true that virtually all intruders are men, I will rule out the possibility of women flipping their lids. I’m an equal-opportunity safety avenger.)

PLHC HONORS BALL

DON’T BE A WEENIE—COME TO THE HONORS BALL, IT’S GONNA BE LIT AF

UMSL HOME COMING

Five Absolutely Authentic Bands Worth Checking Out

By JoHannah McDonald Are you stuck in a musical rut? Do you find yourself listening to “Party in the U.S.A” on repeat, over and over? Have you ever put on a pair of headphones, blacked out, and woke up in a pool of blood? If you answered yes to questions one or two, then you’re in luck! I’ve curated an amazing selection of totally real, completely non-fictional bands for you to check out! For instance, how about trying:

1. Electric Heckler

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ombining rhythmic dancewave melodies with confrontational neo-psychedelic post-punk lyrics, Electric Heckler quickly gained a foothold in Omaha’s underground music scene with their first album, Gently-Used Soul. Though ignored by mainstream radio, the lead single “Canned Sympathy” received air-time on a number of smaller, independent stations including Nebraska State’s own WYKYD 89.4. This eventually led to an ill-fated campus appearance by the band that culminated in the attempted assassination of the school mascot Timber the Wolf. Electric Heckler was forced to flee the state and eventually relocated to Planchette, Oregon. Their new album, Open Letter, is set for release in 2020, pending an ongoing lawsuit.

2. Pennsylvania Green Party

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ne cannot discuss post-revival synthfolk without mention Pennsylvania Green Party. Emerging onto the scene in 1948 with Gloomy Sentiments, the band quickly soared to the top of the charts in the Faroe Islands, Seychelles, and Wales. Their follow-up album, Teach Them To Love It, cemented their fame and the band went through a period of incredibly productivity, writing hits like “Ignorant of Passion”, “Sublime But Significant”, and “I Want Sin” during this time. Sadly, their third album never materialized. While visiting a newly renovated mall in the Buffalo area, the lead singer apparently vanished into

thin air. He was last seen descending an escalator in a Macy’s—if you have any information regarding his whereabouts, please contact your local authorities via email.

3. Wichita Pete and the Tallahassee Twins

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ichita Pete and the Tallahassee Twins roared onto the Western Polka scene with their toe-tapping single “Barn Burning.” Sadly, the subsequent releases “Butter Churning” and “Book Learning” failed to achieve critical or general acclaim and the band faded into obscurity in 2007.

They reappeared in 2011 with the massively successful “Baton Twirling”, but in a shocking turn of event were revealed to be imposters during a live performance at the North Central Western Polka Regional Awards. The real Wichita Pete and the Tallahassee Twins retired from music in 2009 and now reside, happily married, in Big Falls, Indiana.

4. Purblind Doomsters: Sorrow is My Ecstasy, Terrestrial Things, Thencewise

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he success of Sorrow is My Ecstasy took everyone by surprise, most of all the Purblind Doomsters. The soul-splintering neo-emo-rap spoke to the soul of a generation, and in 1968 the band was expected to take home a Grummy for Best New(ish) Album. Instead, they received what was quite possibly the greatest snub in

Grummy history and it was an offense neither lead singer Colin Abernathy nor bassist McKenna Kensey ever truly recovered from. Their follow-up albums, Thencewise and Terrestrial Things, were characterized by a hostility toward listeners that isolated both critics and fans alike. Met with a dwindling, disillusioned fanbase, Purblind Doomsters left the music industry to seek a quiet life of meditation in the woods.

They were last spotted at Red Rocks state parks, and officials warn to not approach them if spotted—the band is considered armed and dangerous.

5. ALT0151: Set Off

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roviding a refreshing break in genre-saturated music genre, ALT0151 has strenuously avoided labeling. Some critics have referred to their sound as “an intentionally disharmonic fusion of neo-classical hip hop, country-punk, gospel R&B, and rock harmonica” and “just … noise.”

Janice Polonsky, the bands drummer, famously claimed that the band was influenced by both the trash metal, hair punk superstars The Rough Customers and the docile crooning of big band debutante Martha Magoon.

Whatever the case, the band certainly struck a chord with the album Set-off before taking a vow of absolute silence following a religious pilgrimage to Montreal. Their seventeen subsequent releases, totaling to 448 minutes of uninterrupted silence, have continued to stoke debate amongst critics and enthusiasts.

“All the News, Whether it’s Fit to Print or Not!”

The Provincial House Times April 6th , 2018

LATE EDITION

TODAY We’ve given up on the weather. Time to put our hopes somewhere a little more optimistic. Let’s just hope that ProHo has the good soup today.

Still Free (please save us from this indentured servitude nightmare we are living in.

ED MUNN-SANCHEZ BUILDS A MOAT AROUND PROVINCIAL HOUSE

Ed Munn-Sanchez proudly kayaks to the Honors College after completion of the moat which now surrounds the PLHC. MunnSanchez dug the moat himself, alongside a few students who needed a way to complete their independent study requirements.

In light of recent concerns to school safety, the new dean of the Pierre Laclede Honors College is leaving nothing to chance.

By: Stuck on the other side A picture is worth 1,000 words. See the picture to the left. I don’t get paid enough to do this “writing” nonsense. In fact I get paid nothing at all. I actually have to PAY for this nonsense because Brain Stew is a one credit hour class.

A THIRD LAKE IS CONSTRUCTED AT THE MSC All of the rain from spring break has led UMSL to utilize “creative” approaches to landscape architecture.

By: Where did my muffler go?

Many students have been enjoying swimming and fishing in the new lake, which is conveniently located right in the middle of the MSC parking lot and across from both of the MSC parking garages. Article continued on page 69.

ARTICLE CORRECTION: We were recently informed by MSC Building Ops that this is not actually a lake and instead, a really freaking huge pothole in the parking lot. Could’ve fooled us.

The newly constructed lake at the Millennium Student Center. The new lake is conveniently located so that all students who park in the MSC lot can enjoy its beauty.

PLHCSA’S “GOLDEN EGG HUNT” TURNS OUT TO BE A FRUITLESS GOOSECHASE

No pun intended. But seriously, don’t mess with the geese this time of year.

Muffins for Argentina By 2nd Floor ProHo Outside Mandy’s Office

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nce upon a time, in a land far away, there lived a woman who was pretty and smart who spent her days working diligently in a bakery and her nights at home reading by the fire with her dog curled up next to her all the while hoping and dreaming of the perfect muffin recipe. It was her lifelong quest to become famous for the best muffins in the Universe. She studied and researched muffins, trying to hone her craft. Until one day her findings led her to travel to Argentina.

There she encountered a yeti brewing stew and muffins. Seeing her through the window, he invit-

ed her in to try his creations. He ladled out a brimming bowl of stew and placed two steaming muffins on a plate in front of her. The woman broke a muffin in half, took a bite and discovered it was made of poop. It was a Yeti Poop Muffin and it was… GOOD! Unfortunately, the stew was a special mix the yeti called Brain Stew. Or maybe it was Brian Stew….

The woman didn’t ask the yeti’s name. The yeti laughed; indeed the stew was brain stew, though the yeti’s name, he said was Steve. The stew had notes of Prog rock and sassy quizzes, which the woman

didn’t really care for and (it had) a funny aftertaste. But, the more she ate, the more she loved the funny flavor and mix of salt and more salt.

Suddenly, the woman had a strange urge to MPBs with the yeti and soon they became a family.

The poop recipe became famous and they taught it to their children.

All of the children were spoiled and one day one of them decided the recipe was too powerful and if it fell in the wrong hands it could destroy the world. So they buried it deep into the Earth’s core.

The end !

Science-y Stuff: Spring Depression

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By Katie Hanners

t’s a known fact on college campuses around the world that spring semester is always the worst. Like senioritis on steroids, it comes back and taunts innocent students yearly. Some [crazy] people seem unaffected by this beast and continue going to every 8 am and turning in every assignment on time.

However, for the majority of us, this is not the case. I have been personally affected by the unrelenting spring semester blues and I am here to tell you that you are not crazy! There are very scientific, fact-based reasons for this 4.5-month brain-fart. First, we Missourians experience slight depression surrounding our obnoxiously long winters! With a decrease in people going outside and sunlight itself, we are all getting less vitamin D than we likely need, which can dampen spirits quite a bit. Along the same lines, people are inside more, leading to less active lifestyles during the winter (the activity is usually replaced by extra naps and movie marathons). This general cycle of non-stop drowsiness and constant under-the-weather feelings leads students to fall behind in classes. This, in turn, leads to greater depression, and, thus, the aggressive cycle continues.

Due to combined factors of constantly being freezing, drenched, tired, and generally happy, students around the world dread the spring semester with a burning passion.

I know that you have all felt these exact same feelings and there is DEFINITELY a cure for you suffering souls! Here is an example of an ideal day spent during spring semester, the model of which you should definitely follow if you want to cure your spring semester shits: Your day starts the night before (remember this: prep is key). When you get ready for bed, be sure to use

an actual routine. This daily routine tells your body that it is time to sleep and actually helps with insomnia.

Before bed, you should [at least] wash your face, brush your teeth, use the restroom, change clothes, and moisturize as needed. In order to save time [and stress] in the morning, set out all the things you will need in the morning. This may include charging your laptop, packing your backpack, setting out your clothes, and/or making a lunch. Trust me when I say that you will snooze your alarm 3+ times and this will make sure you still get out the door on time. When setting your alarm, give yourself a reasonable amount of time to get ready (setting all your stuff up shaves around 7-20 minutes off, depending on the person).

If you set your alarm too late, you’ll spend every morning frazzled and stressed (multiply this by the fact that you most likely forgot how cold it was outside and will be uncomfortable all day because of it). Once you’ve gotten ready and prepared for the next day, go ahead and climb into your comfy bed for a good night’s rest (very important!!!!).

Look down, back up. It’s the morning your morning could look like. Everything is going smoothly and you feel relaxed. You even had time to make breakfast (or at least coffee). Down. Back up. You’re in a car with the morning your morning could look like. Anything is possible when you prepare like a put together adult and not a kid.

Throughout the day, try to plan

your schedule around things you need done. If you have a paper due in a week, maybe make a schedule (in your phone, on paper, in a planner, ya know, however you roll) to keep yourself ahead of the deadlines. This will prevent last-minute 3am papers, which usually make no sense (this really only hurts you and the poor professor who gets to read your garbled mumbo jumbo BS work. Give yourself adequate time to relax as well as study, maybe set aside one hour for lunch and one for studying if you have breaks between classes. Use all your available time to get stuff done because you will absolutely wish that you did when it’s 10pm and you haven’t done jack sh*t (this is also where the schedule/planner comes in handy, you absolutely have more time than you think!).

So, you’ve made it through the majority of your day. You kept to your schedule (maybe a 30-minute slip-up here and there, but it happens, you got this). Go head back to the beginning of the narrative to see what you should do before bed.

Key takeaway points about spring semester: • It sucks, we all know it • You don’t suck, you’re just feeling the same way as everyone else • It will take more work and inspiration to get through (fact) • Pet a puppy, do things you like, take time for you, but get your sh*t done first

Delicious memes served fresh by Adam Thompson

d) All of the above

c) What if this space is not actually empty and you are actually just blind?

b) Nicole is bad at spatial reasoning and will make a terrible engineer

a) Adam did not give me enough memes

Why is this space empty?

Today’s Special : Extra-Large Super Deluxe Memes

VOTE FOR YOUR 2018-2019 PLHCSA EXECUTIVE BOARD! President

Please vote in PLHCSA’s election to help keep the Honors College from becoming a communist regime and free of tyranny. Or vote for tyranny. We don’t care.

Madison Koogler

Hey, y’all! My name is Madison Koogler and I am currently a sophomore Nursing major. I am on the PLHCSA Executive Board right now as the SGA Representative. I am running for PLHCSA President next academic year. I believe I would be a good fit for this position because I have been a part of PLHCSA and I am familiar with how it is ran, and I also just have such a passion for PLHCSA and the work it does to support local charities and is something I want to continue with.

Some interesting facts about me are that I love to shop (and buy shoes), I love hanging with my family and friends, and I love the St. Louis Cardinals!

Vice-President Heather Lange

My name is Heather Lange, and I want to be your PLHCSA Vice President! This past year, I have been an active participant and member of PLHCSA as the Treasurer and look forward to taking on a larger role in the coming year as Vice President. I have gone beyond my position as Treasurer and taken the opportunity to represent the honors college at the National Collegiate Honors Council (NCHC) conference in Atlanta, GA. This upcoming year, I already have plans to attend the NCHC conference in Boston, MA and lead a breakout session for other students. I hope you will consider me for the Vice President position!

Ari Hosennfelt

Hi! My name is Ari and I am a junior, currently studying International Business and Accounting so that someday I can use my accounting skills to make a positive difference through the non-profit sector. I transferred to UMSL in Fall 2017, and the PLHC is by far my favorite part of being an UMSL student, which is why I would like to become more involved as an executive board member. I believe my adaptability and level-headedness in stressful

situations would make me an asset to the executive board. I am also known to take initiative with projects and communicate well within a group, which would make me an effective Vice President. As a transfer student and a first-generation student, I can provide a unique perspective on the executive team and ensure that students with similar backgrounds feel welcome in PLHCSA. Before you cast your vote, just remember: You won’t be sorry if you vote for Ari ; )

Treasurer Andrew Stoker

Hello, folks! My name is Andrew, and I am a current Sophomore here at UMSL. I’m studying Psychology and hope to attend Medical school in the future. I thoroughly enjoy morning runs, late night conversations, coffee (any time of day), and being surrounded by wonderful lil’ humans that I ever so care for. I’m running for the treasurer position because I feel I could contribute my almostto-a-fault type A, overly organized, anal-retentive personality traits to a wonderful organization that provides a welcoming, jubilant atmosphere to UMSL’s campus. I also have a full year of treasury experience having been the UMSL Writers Group’s treasurer for the 2017-2018 school year. I’ve been able to elicit the largest budget to date for our organization this semester and have been keeping avid track of our finances for the past several months.

I believe these experiences, among others, will assist in my capacity to contribute well to PLHCSA’s financial endeavors. Although I am v smol (standing at a lofty 5’6” and a half), I consider my personality to be large and vivacious. I feel that my enthusiastic spirit could benefit the executive board and the quiddity of the Hon-

ors College at large. Anyhow, I hope you all stay hydrated today, and I’m honored to be in consideration for the treasurer position of PLHCSA!

Secretary Aaron Tyler

Hello! My name is Aaron Tyler and I am currently a freshman civil engineering major. I am running for the position of Secretary. During my first semester I was president of Chi Alpha Student ministries, as well as I became the president of the Residential Housing Association. I also work at the rec center and have been promoted to building manager. With my experience with RHA, I plan events all the time for students who live on campus, and I feel like I can represent the honors college well and can contribute to planning and executing events. I also take good notes and am well organized, so all the information talked about in meetings will be well recorded. I have been involved with PLHCSA this year in regard to attending meetings and events, as well as I ran for Freshman Rep, and I look forward to helping out next year and seeing what we as PLHCSA can to do to represent the honors college and bring exciting and fun events for the students! Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope that after reading this that you will vote for me for the position of secretary!

Service Chair Jenna Haddock

My name is Jenna Haddock and I am a psychology major. I would like to run for service chair on the executive board. I did a lot of volunteer work through organizations I was a part of in high school along with volunteering

at my local church. I loved doing the work and helping in the community so being able to work closely with an organization would be wonderful. I really like the work that PLHCSA does in the community and I would love to be apart of the magic.

Danielle Friz

Hello PLHCSA! My name is Danielle Friz and I am running to be your Community Service Representative for the 2018-2019 school year. I am currently a sophomore Nursing Major, Gerontology Minor, and Global Health and Social Medicine Minor. I would like to be PLHCSA’s Community Service Representative because I have always been passionate about serving my community and making a difference. Along with being passionate about community service, I’ve held many leadership roles in community service projects. Over the years, I have been a committee chairperson for charitable organizations such as Polar Bear Plunge, Adopt-A-Family, Relay for Life, and many more. As your Community Service Representative, I would work hard to ensure that PLHCSA will continue to make a positive impact on our community.

Thank you!

Lila Lemayian

My name is Lila Lemayian. I am junior and accounting major. Born in Zimbabwe, I grew up in Kenya, before moving to Poland and eventually the United States. I am running for service chair because volunteering and community service are both a great way of acknowledging and showing gratitude for the good things in our lives, as well as giving back to the community. I am most passionate about hunger alleviation because it is mind boggling to me that in this day and age there are still people, a majority of whom are the young and elderly, who go hungry in this country. I have worked with Crown Senior Center and Gateway Homeless Services here in St. Louis and look forward to doing more with different organizations. I believe that

whatever your passion is, whether it is feeding the hungry, animal rights or even environmental preservation, we all have avenues we can use to change the world. As an international student who has lived and worked on three continents, I have experience working with different kinds of people and would bring a diverse and multicultural view to PLHCSA board.

a lot of creativity, organization, and planning skills to bring to PLHSCA. I am very involved in my community as well, as I am a Girls on the Run coach and a STL GO Marathon charity athlete for the organization Angels’ Arms.

My devotion to both my education and community has given me numerous skills and assets that I hope to bring to PLHCSA in this upcoming year.

Social Media Chair Ngoc Nguyen

My name is Ngoc Nguyen. I am a first-year mechanical engineering student. I am running for Social Media Chair. As social media chair, I would use my creative mindset into making pun-tastic posts and recreate amazing vines along with some salt bae worthy memes. For example, You’re welcome for the meme.

I love the family PLHCSA has created for the Honors College. I would love to be apart of it. Log on to Triton Sync and vote for Ngoc Nguyen as Social Media Chair!

Publicity Chair Lindsey Gevers

Hello! My name is Lindsey Gevers and I’m running to be your 2018-2019 Publicity Chair member! I have previous graphic design experience and I am a middle school science major and preschool teacher. As an education major and preschool teacher, I have

SGA Rep Sarah Wilson

My name is Sarah Wilson and I am currently a freshman. I am running for the position of SGA Representative.

Throughout high school I have held many executive positions. Specifically, during my senior year, I served as president of my high school’s Student Council. As president I developed leadership skills, improved my teamwork ethic, and gained understanding in student organization protocol. As SGA Rep I will stay organized and be on top of meetings with efficient note taking and time management. Besides being the SGA Representative, I look forward to being a part of PLHCSA’s executive board. I love planning fun events with creative themes and working with other honors students. Please go to tritonsync and vote for me!

HOW TO VOTE:

1. Make sure you are a member of “Pierre Laclede Honors College Student Association” on OrgSync. If you are not, please hit “request to join.” You will be added to the page within a day.

2. Once you are a member of our OrgSync page, you will see the polls posted on the page.

Don’t forget to vote!

VOTING WILL BE OPEN FROM 12 AM on 4/9/2018 TO 5:00 PM ON 4/13/2018

Brain Stew...

At the Movies...

Please enjoy while Zach Weber reviews a shit ton of movies.

Ready Player One ll I can say is prepare yourself for the onslaught of nostalgia that Steven Spielberg has coming for you when you watch this movie. This movie is set in the future and follows the main character Wade Watts. He lives in Columbus, Ohio and spends most of his time in this virtual reality game known as the Oasis because in this futuristic setting the world has turned into essentially a dumpster fire. The creator of this game passes away and he hides clues in the game that would allow the players to become the sole owners of the fortune the creator amassed and the game itself. But there is a large company that has alternative motives to get this game and exploit the players to try and achieve large profits. So Wade and his gamer friends try and find the clues so this company can’t execute their diabolical plan. A lot of people who I was planning on watching this movie with were complaining that it was going to be your stereotypical sell out movie that planned on getting people to see it just based off of the gigantic nostalgia/pop culture factor of this movie. My argument is I totally agree. That honestly was the only reason I went to see this because I absolutely love all the references to old video games and even movies. What I thought was going to happen was they were just going to

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be straight forward references to like mario kart or something and they have to conveniently race an italian guy with facial hair named Mario.

But that was not the case at all.

They incorporated several references together to make it not so straight forward and in your face and left the viewer to notice some of these references. What I was not expecting though was the subtle tone that the movie was pushing for people to not game and watch movies all the time. But for people to stop gaming and enjoy the real world. Kind of heart warming a bit. So I totally did not cry. So I don’t understand why you would even ask. My allergies just got a hold of me and made my eyes water. I was also snacking on an onion so that had something to do with the tears at the end of the movie ok. Leave me alone.Sheesh.

9/10 would see again

simple fact that I like to see things go boom and fight scenes.

But if you are the type of person that enjoys elaborate plots and character development just turn around now before you have to suffer. Now I know it sounds like I’m being rather harsh but at times this movie had me doing the hardest eyerolls and facepalms. They were so predictable that I was in physical pain. Overall it would be a movie that if I had to pay to watch I would be mad.

But because I have the perks of not having to pay for a movie it did not bother me. 5/10

Ferdinand ell I had quite a bit of downtime from work and school so I decided to watch this movie starring the absolute legend of a human being John Cena *John Cena Wrestling walk out song plays*. I was actually pretty excited to watch this movie. So I went into the theater and waited for the movie to start but I couldn’t Tomb Raider see anything on the screen………...

Hey are you looking for a stereo- BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAtypical action adventure movie that HAHA. Get it! It’s a joke about you could almost predict the entire his catch phrase you can’t see me! movie from the first ten minutes?

OMG I swear I make myself laugh If you answered no then watch a sometimes. WOW I love dad jokes. different movie. But if you answered Oh yeah the movie was good. 7/10 yes oh boy do I have a treat for you in this movie. Now hear me out I did enjoy this movie just from the

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