Brain Stew 18' / 19' - Issue 11

BRAINSTEW | MARCH 1, 2019

The Understew

We ask Honors College faculty stupid questions – they answer, stupidly:

Is it possible to run a joke into the ground?

Jen Richardson

Oh my gosh, yes it is possible to run a joke into the ground! You Brain Stew kids really need to get some new tricks up your sleeve!! You know, using 69 and 420 for every single number really only funny to middle school kids and Dan. Also, making fun of Kim for nearly a decade just because she likes Diet Coke isn’t really that funny either. Trust me, I know what's funny and what's not because somebody told me that I was funny one time in college. So yeah, you could say I’m like an expert in humor.

Hey, you know what would be really funny? If you included me in the Understew more often. Yeah, that would be super funny.

BAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!

Questions you should ask Maddie Woodham: 1. What is your opinion on nuns and priests swimming?

2. Can you be upstream in a river?

3. What’s in the box?

4. When you go East to West or West to East, is there an ‘up the road’ and ‘down the road’?

Submit your own opinions and her responses to the next Brain Stew issue!

Holly Pope

I mean, isn’t that like Brain Stew’s philosophy? Running jokes into the ground? I mean, I think that all your guys jokes are still funny, but maybe it’s not for everyone. I will say that I am glad that Dan finally put that joke to rest about me hearing a ghost in my office that was actually a fart.

That one really was starting to get old.

Ann Torrusio

I don’t know, and I honestly don’t really care, I’m just trying to get inside the damn building. It’s been over a month now. Sure, we’ve had a few nice days here and there, but it’s been pretty fucking cold out here overall. I’m honestly about ready to just go home.

Hello all, welcome back to another round of Marvel updates. The official runtime for Captain Marvel is 2 hours and 4 minutes and it has been confirmed that there are 2 end-credit scenes, so make sure you stay to watch those! The Eternals will reportedly begin filming this August.

I still no nothing about these characters or this movie so I can’t comment any further on it.

Gwyneth Paltrow has announced that she will be retiring from her MCU role as Pepper Potts after Avengers: Endgame and said that if Marvel Studios ever needed her again that she would be willing to be revise the role again. There has been reported that a tribute to Stan Lee will be in the beginning of Captain Marvel and the social media embargo has been lifted so you can go check out the reviews! Black Widow will not be rated-R and James Gunn’s script for Guardians 3 is confirmed to be used. I am sad about the Black Widow movie but I’m glad the Guardians movies will all have the same writer.

Kate sent a question in so here it is: Dear Jenna -Have any new Marvel questions this week? I am sure your inbox is drowning (puns, forthcoming) with potential questions from the YOUTHS but just in case, here’s a question for you.

Have you watched Blue Planet II, available on Netflix Streaming?

Ok, that’s my question, but it’s a bit of a cheat, because it’s more of a recommendation than a question. YOUTHS! In this desert of releases—it’s been like 2 months since the last Marvel Movie came out! What are we to dooooooooo?!—if you are craving some sweet collaborative Marvel faction action, I would suggest that you tune yourself in for Blue Planet II, Episode 4, Big Blue. You can start at the beginning, but it’s a bit on the slow (and existentially crushing) side, or just start the segment 2 minutes and 35 seconds in. YOU WILL SEE THE MOST MARVEL MASH-UP SINCE AVENGERS:THE NEW ONE (you know….the one with those panthers and the gems and the space raccoon and the hunky Hemsworth bro.) Seriously, the drama is so good. If I don’t have you hooked (HOOKED?! Get it?!?) already, the documentary series is scored by Hans Zimmer—this specific track is “Race to Feed” if you would like to look it up on your Spotify Online Streaming Platform—and if you’re any sort of nerd worth your salt (SALT [water]!? You guyyyyyys.) that should be enough on its own. Seriously though, it’s just like the Marvel team-up but. its. REAL. life. And just generally some of the craziest things you’ve ever seen. Come find me after you watch it and we can decide if you’re Team Manta or Team Tuna.

Ps. British treasure, David Attenborough, pronounces METH-aane wrong, but I also can not recommend Episode 2, The Deep, 35 minutes in, strongly enough. I am questioning everything since starting this series. I mean….what else are you doing? NOT WATCHING A NEW MARVEL MOVIE. Educate yo’self.

My Answer: No Kate, I have not seen Blue Planet II because I am preparing for CAPTAIN MARVEL TO BE RELEASED ON MARCH 8TH!!!!!

What’s going to happen to the Honors College when Nicole graduates in May?

Nancy Gleason I saw an angel standing in the sun, and he cried out with a loud voice, saying to all the birds: "Come, assemble for the great supper of God, so that you

may eat the flesh of kings and the flesh of commanders and the flesh of mighty men and the flesh of horses and of those who sit on them and the flesh of all men, both free men and slaves, and small and great." And I saw the beast and the kings of the earth and their armies assembled to make war against Him who sat on the horse and against His army. And the beast was seized, and with him the false prophet who performed the signs in his presence, by which he deceived those who had received the mark of the beast and those who worshiped his image; these two were thrown alive into the lake of fire which burns with brimstone.

And the rest were killed with the sword which came from the mouth of Him who sat on the horse, and all the birds were filled with their flesh. sent from my iPhone

Dan Gerth Don’t sweat it. I have started building a new Nicole! Much better than the original.

Hot as Hell, Cold as Ice

by Manic Mike

Has anyone else noticed that the temperatures in many of the buildings on campus fluctuate wildly during the winter? I was shivering in my Monday night class last week, and went to look at the thermometer. It said 65.

65?!? That’s too freaking cold! The week before, the temperature had been totally normal. I don’t get it.

Why is temperature management such a difficult thing to control? This happens in lots of buildings, both on north and south campuses. I’ve experienced it semester after semester. No professor has ever had a decent explanation. Yes, I am aware it is a complex HVAC system that controls all the temperatures, and that it will never be perfect. 65 is way too cold for a room to be where people are trying to focus and pay attention. I almost left the class early because of how uncomfortable I was.

The opposite is true as well- some rooms are just too hot. It is 25 degrees outside...why in the world is it like summertime in this classroom? I have on long underwear and now I’m sweating. What happens when I go outside after getting sweaty? Nothing good.

I really wish the building management would figure this one out. It makes class downright uncomfortable.

“All the News, Whether it’s Fit to Print or Not!”

LATE EDITION

The Provincial House Times March 1st, 2019

TODAY: Wtf? It’s March already?

Did we just decide to skip February?

Did I sleep in too long? Is it too early to start drinking for St. Patrick’s Day? COST: $4.20

Results from UMSL’s Higher Learning Commission Accreditation Visit are Released “Shut this shit down immediately” says the HLC.

Honors College faculty Jen Richardson and Dan Gerth kill chef Boyardee and steal his hats

Above: After the HLC results were released, UMSL aired a new series of television advertisements featuring that guy from the Weekends Only commercials.

Honors College wins second place in the UMSL Homecoming office decorating competition, despite not following the rules and decorating an entire hallway instead of an office

“That canned beef ravioli wasn’t good anyways” says Gerth

Below: Kanye West was appalled to learn that Honors had not secured the first place prize.

"Imma let you finish...but Honors had one of the best decorated hallways of all time"

Above: Jen and Dan serve Dean Ed Munn Sanchez’s chili recipe at the Homecoming Chili feed on February 21st. It was later discovered that Ed’s “famous chili” was actually just several cans of Beefaroni dumped into a large pot.

Get the news 24/7!

Follow us at @umslbrainstew

Above: Jen posing with her second place medallion, shortly after killing Chef Boyardee. Also, Jen, if you are reading this, you are not allowed to get angry about not being in the Understew anymore. Not only are you in the Understew this week, but your face is on this page two times!! Are you happy now!?!?

Feel free to use this space to journal and explore your feelings. We meant to leave this space here. It was intentional! We promise we aren’t slacking with layouts!

Sass vs. Dan Gerth Alright so we all know Dan. I’ve talked about him before and so have many others who write for Brain Stew. I thought I would change things up and share a few of the sass filled remarks we’ve shared via email. Hope you enjoy! “

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Provincial House Renovations Continue with Six New Restrooms While you’ve probably noticed the new and improved Common Room, including new furniture, coffee station, trophy shelving, and charging station, Brain Stew is proud to bring you the first pictures of the all new restrooms, set to open this Monday. “While they don’t have my favorite soap, I’m really excited about this,” says Tony Deluvia, Brain Stew’s official photographer for the dedication ceremony. “That first floor men’s room has the stink of a million poops baked into the paint (which is lead-based, I presume).” Jen Richardson, PLHC Academic Advisor, is especially excited for the closing of the 3 rd floor restroom. “I’ve been locked in there A LOT. I stashed a hammer in the closet for in case it happened again. I mean, there’s a sign that says to lock the door behind you, but have you ever actually closed that door completely? Trust me, you’re locked in whether you use the lock or not,” Jen told Brain Stew.

Bathroom #1: Repurposed Bird Bath “I designed this one!” said civil engineering major Nicole Gevers. I felt bad for how Ann has been locked out of the building for three months because of the panic that movie Bird Box set off.

So, why not help her by repurposing the unused bird bath? That seems easier than letting Ann back into the building – just to be safe, you know. I don’t know what she saw or didn’t see, but you can’t be too careful.”

Bathroom #’s 2 and 3: Divided Facilities for Team Cat and Team Dog “While I support the gender-neutral bathroom movement, I don’t like peeing next to a cat person. It’s just weird,” says Sammy Jacobs, dog owner. “Remember how everyone peed in the same bathroom on Ally McBeal? Yeah, neither do I, but Dan says it’s a thing. Anyway, I assume that’s because they all owned dogs.”

Team Dog’s new bathroom

Team Cat’s new bathroom

Bathroom #’s 4 and 5: Dig Your Own Hole?

Dig your own hole

Or use this pre-existing hole

It wouldn’t be new bathrooms without controversy, as apparently Ed isn’t all that came from South Carolina to join PLHC. Focus groups were very divided about what is being called the Bury Your Own Poop Movement. “When I poop in my backyard, I don’t bury it. Why should I be expected to do it here,” remarked an anonymous Honors professor, who may or may not be Dan Gerth [it was definitely Dan] and wanted to speak off the record. Hence this compromise.

Bathroom #6: File a Memo (if you know what we mean, and we think you do)

Designed by Audri Adams, Mimi Mead, and Nicole Gevers, this new bathroom helps ensure that the main office never has to close, except for lunches, time

off, events on north campus, when Dan is too lazy to come downstairs and makes people come to his office, and 416 other unique occassions. According to Mimi, “There is simply not enough office coverage to feel comfortable leaving the desk.

There’s a lot of important stuff that could be stolen – such as syllabi from 1993. Also, anytime you leave, all the candy disappears. Or at least all the gluten-free candy. Wait, maybe it’s Holly!” Nicole adds, “There are 420 signs for the front door.

It takes a long time to find the

right one. By the time I got past ‘Office closed until 1:47pm. See Bob unless he has retired, then see Nancy unless her door is closed. Then see Dan in C212 if it’s Tuesday or Thursday. If it’s Monday, Wednesday, or Friday, go f*** yourself’ I had already peed my pants.” Although credited as a designer, Audri is not a fan: “I just wanted a standing desk to be healthy, and look what they gave me!” Sherry and Holly could not be reached for comment.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Free toilet paper for use in the new bathrooms! Cut on the dotted line.

Suck it, bitches!

We f***ing took over the moon!

Sincerely, Team Cat

INTRODUCING HONORS DOLLARS! Step aside Bitcoin and Ethereum, there’s a new decentralized currency in town! Cut out the Honors Dollars below to begin a newfound life of wealth and happiness. Steal all of the Brain Stews in the Honors College entryway or use a copy machine to make yourself ultra rich! Muhahahahaha!

What can Honors Dollars be used for?

• Bribing your professors into pushing back essay deadlines • Donating to the coffee donation box in the Common Room • Paying off your advisor to change your grades in MyView • Strip clubs!

• • • • • •

Salvation Army Red Kettles Leaving tips at restaurants Making your wallet look thiccc Contributing to your 401K Giving your enemies a wicked paper cut Paying for your tuition in the Cashier’s Office

Stupid Debate Questionsby Mia Rintoul Does a stapler eat paper or staples?

Is the cross between lunch and dinner “Linner" or “Dunch"?

Which is a better insult: fuckwad or pricknozzle?

Do fish have necks?

Should Dan Gerth dye his hair purple or green?

How would a giraffe wear a neck tie (top or bottom of neck)?

Is a soufflé a quiche?

AT THE MOVIES

by ZACH WEBER

Alita: Battle Angel - When the trailer for this movie came out it grabbed my eye simply because it showed someone about to get cut in half. So from that point on I knew I needed to see this movie because I am a huge fan of movies that show people getting cut in half. So if you were to ask if I am a GOT fan the answer is yes.

Speaking of that if you started to watch a single episode a day since Feb 6 you will have timed it perfectly to start the new season. Back to this movie apparently there is a book or comic attached to the movie so I’m not gonna read that so the movie was the only option for me. The movie was actually pretty good. I will say though that the main character eyes freaked me out big time. Kinda made me uncomfortable tbh. But as the movie critic I am I had the courage to power through the awkward bug looking eyes to finish the movie. People were crossed and betrayed which always makes a great movie. *Spoiler alert* The guy totally got cut in half. This movie is definitely a movie worth getting a ticket to and seeing it in the theater in your spare time. 6.9/10 enlarged eyes (The animal they actually modeled Alita after)

Escape Room - This movie is the classic suspense movie. It reminds me of the Saw movies. Anyway this movie is very interesting.

I wasn’t really sure what it was about but I had a bunch of free time so I decided to give it a shot.

It turns out that this wasn’t that bad. I know I watched three movies and not a single one was bad. It really blew my mind. So my luck the next movie I watch will be hot garbage.

But the story line and the visuals were really good. Unfortunately though they set it up to have a sequel which I can almost guarantee will be awful. So we have that to look forward *rolls eyes* But this movie is definitely worth the price of admission. Be careful though there was a bunch of preteen/teenagers in theater that I may or may not have threatened to murder. So be careful. They are literally the worst age group to have to tolerate in a movie.

I give this movie a 6.9/10

(Zach being surprised this movie was good)

Velvet Buzzsaw - Ever since I have got a Netflix account I feel like I have been missing out on a lot of different movies that I could have had a chance to watch. So every now and then I log on to the Ol’ Netflix account to try and find a movie that fancies my taste.

This little movie seemed to fit my taste in movies (according to Netflix). So I decided to give this movie a watch. This movie is such a strange, weird, and suspenseful movie. This was one of the classic suspense/horror movie that Jake Gyllenhaal tends to be in. Kinda the same creepy suspense movies he has been in like Prisoner, Nightcrawler, and Donnie Darko. Which are all great movies that I highly recommend. I will admit though that I have noticed Netflix original movies tend to have not so good acting. But thats okay for me. The acting in this movie is just good enough to not make the movie unwatchable. The plot of the movie is very interesting so it allows you to look past the subpar acting. So if you can find about 2 free hours while you are sitting procrastinating from doing your homework give this movie a watch. 7.6/10 Gyllenhaals

march is an awful month (for my liver)

by Fratty B

first weekend is Mardi Gras, a sad excuse for St. Louis residents to go to Soulard and get blackout drunk. Who am I to judge? Plus maybe Brad’s mom will come up and drink with us. Total MILF. God I just hope I don’t run into sarah and her sorority sisters, last time I ran into her it was a total shit show. She got mad at me for making out with Amy in front of her. It’s like we’ve been in a relationship for five years or something, can’t a guy just have some fun while still being in a relationship? Girls are such party killers. I’m just tryna live young.

Second weekend: mardi gras (still), because the people of st.louis love to drink...god I’m running out of patagonia pull overs to wear, plus my sperry top siders are still covered in Keagan’s puke from last weekend. I did a keg stand last weekend, but they started counting like 5 seconds after I was up there so Chad’s girlfriend beat me. This weekend I’m going to make sure they start counting as soon as I’m up there.

Third weekend: Say goodbye to a well functioning liver in your 30s, it’s St. Paddy’s day bitches. I bought a “pinch me, I’m irish” shirt, even though I’m not even irish. I’m definitely 90% cherokee, I just like to live in the moment.

Fourth: Spring Break. Going to Padre. My buddy bought me a pair of chubbies and a flag from Old Row. If I don’t drink more than a case of beer a day Matt will call me a bitch, and Matt doesn’t even have the highest shingle in the house so I can’t let that happen again. also Stacy if you’re reading this: you suck, thanks for going off and dating the president of the rival fraternity after all the cheating and lying that I did to you!!! I even asked permission to date your best friend 1 week after we broke up.

I’m a good guy. Now the guys at the house are calling me a bitch because you stabbed me in the back like this, after I asked you nicely not to! It’s not like I cheated on you with your friend or something. (stacy come back i miss you)

gum wrapper: - use this blank piece of paper for your gum, then throw it into office C212

@UMSLBRAINSTEW hey kid, want some memes?

PLEASE! Only you can prevent forest fires

WHAT IS BRAIN STEW? Brain Stew’s mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body a forum for uncensored free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus organizations. We have been publishing for over 25 years and won the Student Life’s award for Best Sustained Program in 2012 and 2017 as well as TWO national titles from the National Collegiate Honors Council in 2017 & 2018.

HOW CAN I CONTRIBUTE TO BRAIN STEW? Send your editorials, articles, poems, stories, reviews, plays, drawings, photography, fart jokes, personal ads, or whatever else you can think of to one of the editors: Nicole Gevers: nmgtzc@mail.umsl.edu Sammy Jacobs: sammyjacobs@mail.umsl.edu Tony Deluvia: agd7xf@mail.umsl.edu Disclaimer: We issue no content guidelines beyond those of state, local, and federal law. All content is the responsibility of the creator. UMSL, PLHCSA, PLHC, and the Brain Stew staff are in no way liable for content. But feel free to complain.

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