PRHHEALTH David Griggs
Richie Hinkie
THE BOTTOM
Sal DiNubile
Grief
beyond Words by REV. JOHN STABENO
A
utumn is traditionally a time we remember those who have gone before us. It has been said that when the leaves fall from the trees, it is a sign of our future return to the Earth. Death is something none of us will be able to avoid; nothing can stop the inevitable course of nature. Yet, we are not supposed to outlive our children. The death of a child seems to go against the natural order and remains the worst nightmare of any parent. Words seem so inadequate to express our sympathies and even less able to describe the pain and emptiness in the life of the parents. Some years ago, I assembled a group of parents with deceased children and a handful of their still living children to meet regularly in the homes of one another. In the course of one of the gatherings, a parent mentioned this was the only place she felt comfort. From that time on, we called ourselves the Comfort Club. We realized that there was no one who understood a grieving parent more than another grieving parent. When they gather, there is no need to wear the mask that a grieving parent uses all day long to hide the brokenness and sadness tucked just beneath. It does not matter how your child dies. The pain is the same.
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It doesn’t matter if you have one child or 10. The pain is the same. Sure, there are variations on the theme; suicide, homicide, disease, accident and overdose all leave families with different questions, struggles and aftermath. They are different but the loss of a child unites them. Many people don’t know what to say to parents who lose a child. No one wants to risk saying the wrong thing. Don’t be afraid to talk about their child. Trust me, they don’t want anyone to forget them. People fear bringing up their children will remind them of their loss, but the thought of their children is always on their minds. No one wants to walk in their shoes but we can all walk with them. Often times, the circle of family and friends surrounding parents of angel children gets smaller. Regardless of whether people are avoiding them or they are avoiding others, it is almost always the inevitable result. It is called the new normal. The everyday tasks of cooking, food shopping and other daily life chores and events change dramatically. Things that mattered before, matter little now. Things that once seemed taken for granted are now valued. Nothing puts life in greater perspective than death. And the death of a child is unlike any other
loss. Please do not tell a parent in this situation that you know how they feel because you have lost a spouse, a parent or a pet. Those losses fail in comparison. Don’t tell them that this was God’s plan, their child is in a better place or that they will feel better in time. God mourns with the parents and so should we. As family members and friends, the most we can do is show up and be there. No anecdotal niceties, pious religious platitudes or motivational quotes can relieve any of the foundational questioning of faith, heartcrushing ache or endless streams of unconnected thoughts that seem common in the days, months and years following such a loss. Recently, our community has had its share of losses of some of our finest young. The tragedy of the murder of Salvatore “Tankie” DiNubile has given witness of an entire community suffering the loss of one of our own. The outpouring of grief and support gave testimony to the character of Tankie and the love and loyalty he possessed even at the tender age of 16. When Richie Hinkie died from an overdose, the touching words of his mother Nancy Hinkie stated how proud she is of her son and the man he had been. Despite his addiction, he was always close to God and a person of respect and love. After the death of his son, Dave
| ROWHOME MAGAZINE | October / November / December 2018
Griggs said, “If money can solve your problem, you don’t have problems.” The stories and journeys of parents is a journey like no other. When one loses a child, most often they go deep within to hold onto the treasures that time can never take away. In the fall of 1962, on the eve of The Second Vatican Council, Pope John XXIII gave his most memorable speech from the balcony of the Apostolic Palace under a full moonlit sky. His words still impart wisdom to us today and are worth remembering this fall. “And so, let us continue to love each other, to look out for each other along the way: to welcome whoever comes close to us, and set aside whatever difficulty it might bring. When you head home, find your children. Hug and kiss your children and tell them, ‘This is the hug and kiss of the Pope.’ And when you find them with tears to dry, give them a good word. Give anyone who suffers a word of comfort. Tell them ‘The Pope is with us especially in our times of sadness and bitterness.’ And then, all together, may we always come alive — whether to sing, to breathe, or to cry, but always full of trust in Christ, who helps us and hears us, let us continue along our path.”
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