Spec Script: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA Spec Episode "Mac Gets a Faith Intervention"

Written by Peter Harrison Egan

Adress: 350 Park St., Montclair NJ, 07042 Email: Peegan20@student.scad.edu Phone: (973) 452-5059

COLD OPEN TITLE: 11:00 AM TITLE: On a Tuesday TITLE: Philadelphia, PA 1A

OVER TITLES, WE HEAR:

1A

REPORTER (V.O.) They’re calling him “Philly Jesus”.

FADE IN: 1

INT. NEWS STUDIO - DAY

1

A female REPORTER (late 20s) sits behind a news desk. Above her head is a flashy nightly news graphic that reads “Philly Jesus”.

REPORTER Over the past week, more than 10 Philadelphia senior citizens have reported receiving a nightly visit from someone they believe to be Jesus Christ.

The news report rolls footage of an OLD WOMAN (80s) in a wheelchair. She sits in her tiny living room.

OLD WOMAN I saw him! As plain as you or me! I woke up in the night to check on my cat and I saw him. Jesus. Standing in my bathroom.

Back to reporter.

REPORTER While police were quick to suspect a string of serial burglaries, no instances of theft have been reported. A truly miraculous phenomenon.

CUT TO:

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16

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2.

INT. PADDY’S PUB - CONTINUOUS Mac stands near the TV as the report wraps up. He shuts off the TV and addresses CHARLIE, DEE, FRANK, and DENNIS, all watching the report from the bar.

MAC Boom. Suck it losers!

Dennis, Charlie, Dee, and Frank stare at Mac for a second, then turn back to the bar, dismissive.

MAC (CONT’D) Uh... Hello? Did nobody hear me? I said... SUCK IT, LOSERS! DENNIS What? Suck it? Why? MAC Uh, because this proves I was right all along.

CHARLIE ‘Bout what?

MAC God? Jesus? Christianity?

FRANK Christ. C’mon, Mac. DENNIS Dude, it’s way too early for this.

DEE Yeah, don’t tell us to suck it, man. You suck it!

MAC YOU SUCK IT, DEE. YOU ALL SUCK IT. JESUS CHRIST IS OUR LORD AND SAVIOR AND HE HAS COME BACK TO US! SO ALL OF YOU NEED TO-DENNIS MAC! MAC! Calm Down! All right, enough is enough! Y’know, we’ve been talking about this for a while but... I think the time has come.

Frank and Charlie nod in agreement.

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CONTINUED:

3.

2

MAC What? What have you been talking about!?

DEE Do we really wanna do this now?

DENNIS Mac, we’ve been polite enough about this in the past... but I think it’s time for a faith intervention.

MAIN TITLES Title: “Mac Gets a Faith Intervention” Title: “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”

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4.

ACT ONE FADE IN: 3

INT. PADDY’S PUB - MOMENTS LATER Dee, Mac, Frank, and Dennis sit on stools in a semi circle around Mac as if he is on trial.

MAC What is this?

DENNIS It’s a faith intervention. Kinda like a divine intervention but the opposite.

MAC You want me to stop being a Christian?

CHARLIE If it’s not too much trouble.

DENNIS We just think it’s time you gave it a rest. Don’t get me wrong, it was fun at first. Y’know, with the rampant homophobia and antiSemitism.

CHARLIE It made you you.

DENNIS Exactly. But now... it’s just gotten a little played out. All these holly roller lectures and constant attempts to convert us.

Enough’s enough, y’know?

MAC What? Constant attempts? That is not true.

DEE It’s kind of true.

CHARLIE Yeah... it averages out to like twice a week.

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CONTINUED:

5.

3

DENNIS Right, and to be honest, your tenacity toward making me embrace religion has made me lose what little religion I actually had.

MAC Well, excuse me for caring about your eternal souls!

DEE For the record, I’m not 100% on this whole thing.

MAC Thank you, Dee. DEE I mean, what is faith, really? Just lies we tell ourselves to get through the day. I have plenty of those.

Hey!

MAC

DEE Honestly, I kinda envy Mac sometimes. I wish I could believe in something to distract me from the horrible empty void of reality.

DENNIS Not me. I’m fine with the void. I embrace it. It’s liberating.

Religion is the opiate of the masses.

FRANK (upset) What about opiates? Who said anything about opiates! You can’t prove nothing!

DENNIS What the hell are you talking about?

FRANK (suspicious) I-I gotta go. I’m sick of this.

Enough about the void, enough about Jesus. I’m out of here!

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CONTINUED: (2) Frank hops off his stool and makes for the door.

CHARLIE Frank? Frank!?

DENNIS Way to show a united front, Frank!

DEE What’s up his ass all of a sudden?

CHARLIE I dunno. He’s been acting really strange lately. He’s staying out late, sneaking around. I better follow him. Sorry, guys.

DENNIS Charlie, get back here!! You’re ruining this intervention!!

Charlie pursues Frank out the front door.

MAC Say whatever you want Dennis, but my faith isn’t just a delusion.

There’s nothing you can do to make me give it up.

DENNIS Well, I didn’t want to have to resort to this, but what if we had a little wager. A friendly bet.

MAC About what?

DENNIS Whether or not I can make you lose your faith. If I win, you have to stop trying to convert us. Forever.

MAC That doesn’t sound very friendly.

DENNIS (patronizing) Why not? Faith is strongest when it’s tested, right? If you went around with your faith unchallenged, how would you even know how strong it was?

6.

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CONTINUED: (3)

7.

3

MAC I guess that makes sense. All right, I accept. When I win, you guys have to come to church with me every Sunday for the next year.

Fine.

DENNIS

DEE Wait, what are we doing?

4

INT. CATHOLIC CHURCH - PRIEST’S OFFICE Mac and Dennis are in a small church office. Shelves of religious books line the walls, as well as paintings depicting bible scenes. They sit in front of an elderly catholic PRIEST. He speaks with a thick Irish brogue.

PRIEST Ah, now. What can I do for you folks then?

MAC First off. I just wanted to thank you... for taking time out of your busy schedule. We all know you must be pretty busy around here considering what’s been going on.

PRIEST Hm, what’s that now?

MAC Hello? The second coming? Philly Jesus? The Messiah returns?

PRIEST Oh! That! Right. Although, we don’t like to jump to conclusions, but what a peculiar thing that is?

DENNIS Yes, yes. We’re all very lucky.

Look, can we just get down to business.

Business?

PRIEST

DEE Cut the crap. We need a test!

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CONTINUED:

8.

4

Reveal Dee sitting next to Dennis and Mac. DENNIS Dee? How long have you been here?

DEE I walked in with you guys.

DENNIS Ehh, I don’t think so.

MAC Yeah, we would have noticed.

DEE You’re serious? I drove!

MAC Whatever. Why are you here, though?

DEE I wanna be a part of the test.

Maybe being a witness to this, whatever way it goes, will help me figure out my faith crisis.

PRIEST Excuse me, but what test?

DENNIS My friends resistance to accept reality and embrace the void has worn us down. We’re in the market for a real heavy duty, official test of faith. Is there a standard procedure for that kind of thing?

DEE Like some sort of exam or a ditto or something?

PRIEST What in blazes are you talking about?

MAC Forgive them, your magnificence.

They’re godless heathens. While it is true that I’ve accepted their challenge, I’m simply trying to prove to them that my faith can stand up to any trial they present me with.

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CONTINUED: (2)

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PRIEST Well... we’re not really in the business of providing that sort of thing. We’re more in the business of giving faith.

MAC Oh, you don’t have to worry. I’m a rock. My faith isn’t going anywhere. Oh, and if I win, these two have to come here every Sunday for a year. Bonus!

PRIEST Son, a test of faith isn’t really something you can evoke. It’s something God sends to you. A trial or a terrible event that can be overcome with the power of faith.

As the priest talks, Mac’s attention drifts to a painting hanging on the office wall.

PRIEST (CONT’D) This is what sainthood is all about really. It’s not so much about magic tricks and superhuman feats.

It’s about truly special individuals doing the impossible with the power of Christ.

The painting depicts Saint Daniel in the famous biblical parable of ‘The Lions Den’. Mac is transfixed.

PRIEST (CONT’D) Do you understand my son?

MAC Hm? Oh, I wasn’t really listening.

Sorry bout that.

Excuse me?

9.

PRIEST

MAC (to Dee and Dennis) Guys, I know what I’m gonna do.

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10.

EXT. PHILADELPHIA ZOO - LATER

5

Dee, Mac, and Dennis stand outside the lion enclosure at the Philadelphia Zoo. They look down directly into a high walled terrarium housing seven full grown African lions.

MAC I’m going into the lion’s den.

One male lion yawns, showing its fearsome teeth. Dennis and Dee cringe, Mac beams with confidence.

6

EXT. PHILADELPHIA STREETS - LATER Charlie happily pushes Frank down a city sidewalk in a shopping cart.

CHARLIE Hey, Frank, man. I gotta talk to you about something.

Whuzzat?

FRANK

CHARLIE You’ve been awful flaky lately.

What gives? You’ve missed ‘Night Crawlers’ practice like 3 times this month.

FRANK Charlie, I told you. ‘Night Crawlers’ is not a competitive game. We don’t need to practice.

CHARLIE IT’S THE PRINCIPLE OF THE-- <calms himself>.

Frank holds Charlie by the shoulders.

FRANK Charlie. Charlie. Calm down and listen. I gotta tell you something, but you gotta promise me you’re not gonna let the others in on it.

CHARLIE Frank, what’s going on?

Stop here.

FRANK

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11.

CONTINUED:

6

Frank hops out of the cart. Charlie pushes the cart into the street. Off-screen TIRE-SCREECH. Frank and Charlie turn a corner. Reveal a van.

Frank pulls a key fob out of his back pocket. He hits a button and the van unlocks.

Frank gestures for Charlie to open the back doors as he makes his way around to the front of the van and disappears.

Frank?

CHARLIE

The inside of Frank’s van resembles a mobile pharmacy. Orange prescription bottles and baggies of pills line shelves and spill out of cardboard boxes.

Charlie stands, mouth agape.

CHARLIE (CONT’D) Frank, what in the hell is all this?

Reveal Frank in a full Jesus costume, fake beard, crown of thorns, stigmata hands.

Jesus!

Christ!

CHARLIE (CONT’D) FRANK END OF ACT ONE

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16

12.

ACT TWO 7

EXT. PHILADELPHIA ZOO - MIDDAY Dee and Dennis stare dumbfounded at Mac as he sizes up the lion’s den. He makes measurements with his hands as he mutters to himself about his preparations.

DENNIS Mac? Mac, now, when you said you were <air quotes> ‘going into the lion’s den’ <end air quotes>, you don’t actually mean you’re going into that literal lion’s den do you?

DEE Crap, Dennis I think he does. He brought us all the way out here. He made me pay the admission.

DENNIS Yeah, it was a really awkward ride here from the church, Mac, you wouldn’t say a thing.

MAC Do you two not know the story of Saint Daniel.

What?

DENNIS

MAC Daniel, a Christian, was condemned to die for his beliefs, but his faith in the lord allowed him to survive a night in a den of ferocious lions.

DENNIS Mac, that’s just a story! That’s not real.

MAC (high and mighty) Excuse me, Dennis. Do not belittle my faith. Do not tread on my rights.

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CONTINUED:

13.

7

DEE This isn’t about your rights, Mac. You can’t survive in a den of lions.

MAC You heard the priest, through faith alone, I have the strength to manifest miracles.

DEE He didn’t say that. At all. In fact, when you asked if that’s what he meant, he told you outright that wasn’t what he meant.

DENNIS Mac, we’ll find another test. This is way too extreme. As much as I’d love to prove you wrong, and I’m certain this would do it, You pay half my rent. Okay? No lions.

MAC You’re just scared I’ll win.

DENNIS Absolutely not.

DEE Of course not.

MAC You know what, I don’t need your support. I feel it within myself.

So go ahead and doubt me.

DEE Oh, zero doubt.

DENNIS Yeah, unequivocally. You will die.

MAC Oh, ye of little faith.

DENNIS No, we of zero faith. Look, y’know what. I’m done. This isn’t faith.

This is lunacy! Either come to your senses or don’t.

Dennis storms off.

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14.

CONTINUED: (2)

7

DEE Dennis, Dennis!! Wait! You have my keys! Ugh! Dee turns to Mac. DEE (CONT’D) (sincerely) You really think you can do this?

MAC Yay, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil; for thou art with me.

Dee ponders Mac’s words.

DEE Yeah, that’s f**king insane. I don’t know what I was thinking.

Dee follows after Dennis.

DEE (CONT’D) Mac! Don’t kill yourself, you asshole! Dennis!!!

MAC (shouting) I don’t need you guys! SUCK IT! DEE! SUCK IT!!

DEE (shouting) OH, YOU SUCK IT!!

Dee flips Mac off as she turns a corner.

Mac scoffs and continues scoping out the lions den. He flags down a passing zoo employee.

MAC Excuse me! What would you say are this zoo’s major defensive flaws?

Unrelated side question: what time do you close?

8

INT./EXT VAN - NIGHT Frank drives the van, still dressed in his bible attire.

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CONTINUED:

15.

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FRANK Charlie! Charlie, you back there?

CHARLIE (O.S.) Yeah man, I’m not sure where you thought I’d get to. I’m right here.

FRANK Well you been awful quiet. I can’t see too good on account of this beard. Screws up my peripheral vision.

CHARLIE Yeah, but it looks good.

FRANK (flattered) Yeah? How’s yours coming?

Reveal Charlie, who emerges from the back of the van in a full Jesus costume, a perfect match for Frank’s.

CHARLIE Y’know, Frank. Over the years, you and I have been in a lot of different outfits and costumes, but I gotta say. I think this one just feels right.

FRANK You like it?

CHARLIE Dude, totally. I feel like this may need to be my new uniform. Check it. The robe, floor-length. It sweeps as I walk, that’ll save me a ton of time. This Beard? Perfect for the walk-in when I gotta change the kegs.

FRANK You do often complain about face coldness.

CHARLIE And this crown deal...

Charlie removes his thorn crown and brandishes it like a weapon.

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CONTINUED: (2)

8

FRANK Rat Stick 2.0! Rat Hoop.

CHARLIE Exactly! Frank, I know we rented these, but when this is done I may have to go back and make this baby mine all mine. I feel like I’ve found my real skin. I may never wear pants again.

FRANK Well, I’m glad this is workin’ out for you buddy.

CHARLIE But, Frank?

What?

16.

FRANK

CHARLIE Why are we dressed like bible guys driving in a van full of prescription drugs?

FRANK Charlie, I need your help. I’ve been running this scam for a while now. I wear this geddup, sneak into old geezers’ houses, and I raid their medicine cabinets. If I get caught, I just make like I’m some sort of vision from god and they let me go. Works every time.

CHARLIE Wait, I thought the TV said nothing was stolen?

Frank reaches back and grabs a bag of pills from the back.

FRANK I replace ‘em with sugar pills.

Perfect crime.

CHARLIE Wow Frank... that is pretty impressive.

FRANK I want you to join me. I wanna cut you in on this. We’ll be partners.

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17.

CONTINUED: (3)

8

Frank pulls over in front of a nicely landscaped building. A sign outside reads ‘Placid Waters Retirement Community’.

CHARLIE Where are we?

FRANK Old folks home.

CHARLIE What’re we doing here?

FRANK Charlie, the media’s on to me. I can’t keep this up. I’m going for the big score. One last job.

Charlie, nervous, and Frank, excited, look out the van window.

9

INT./EXT DEE’S CAR, PHILLY STREETS - DUSK Dee and Denis drive back to the bar.

DENNIS Goddamned Mac, he’s gone off the deep end.

DEE I know. He’s completely lost it.

DENNIS See what I’m saying Dee, his faith is driving him insane. He’s reached critical mass. You envy him for that?

DEE No. Not at all. I don’t know what I was thinking. Faith is a crutch.

I’m just gonna embrace emptiness, y’know? We exist in a deep dark void and nothing will ever change that.

DENNIS I’m so proud of you. Hey, y’know what might make us feel better.

What?

DEE

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18.

CONTINUED:

9 DENNIS If we figured out a plan for what we’re gonna do to rub Mac’s face in it once we win.

DEE Like, prepare how we’re gonna gloat?

DENNIS I find that a healthy indulgence in overconfidence helps make the win that much sweeter. And hey, since you’ve been surprisingly agreeable, I figure I should let you decide what we do.

DEE Oh... okay. Lemme think.

Dee thinks intensely for a few moments before she’s hit with an epiphany.

DEE (CONT’D) Oh! How about... like a giant banner in the pub.

DENNIS A... a banner?

DEE Yeah, and it says ‘SUCK IT, MAC’ on it.

DENNIS That’s your gloating strategy? A banner?

DEE (nervous) Yeah...

DENNIS Well... I suppose during the course of your sad, sad life you don’t get a lot of opportunities to gloat. It would make sense that you’re not very good at it.

DEE (ashamed) I’m sorry.

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19.

CONTINUED: (2)

9

DENNIS No no. A banner it is. We’ll... make a banner.

10

EXT. PHILADELPHIA ZOO - DUSK A loudspeaker blares on.

LOUDSPEAKER VOICE Attention all Philadelphia Zoo patrons, We will be closing in 10 minutes. Please make your way to the nearest exit. We hope you had a wild time!

The message repeats periodically.

Employees bustle around shutting down the zoo, vendors close up, employees clock out, the lights go off.

The zoo is quiet.

In front of the lion exhibit, a public trash-can begins to rustle.

Mac pops out of the trash can, disguised in tactical camouflage makeup and a black tank top with a white cross on it. He holds his ‘Project Bad-ass’ video camcorder.

VIDEO FROM MAC’s CAMERA: Mac holds the camera above him, angling down, he speaks directly to the audience.

MAC What’s up! Welcome to a very special episode of Project Bad-ass!

I’m undercover right now. I’m taking on my greatest challenge yet: saving my friends souls.

END VIDEO Mac ducks back into the trash can as zoo employee’s pass.

BACK TO VIDEO: MAC (CONT’D) All right. Let’s do this!

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20.

CONTINUED:

10

Mac tries to quickly jump from the trash can, but topples it over, falling on his face. The camera tumbles around before resting on his crumpled body.

Mac staggers to his feet, grabs his camera, and switches it off.

END VIDEO 11

INT. PLACID WATERS RETIREMENT HOME - HALLWAYS - NIGHT A hallway lined with doors in what is revealed to be a very rundown retirement home, a stark contrast from the neatly manicured front lawn. Each door has a medical chart hanging next to it, a complete pharmaceutical record of the tenant within.

Charlie, holding a flashlight, sheepishly roams the hall.

Frank waddles up behind Charlie with a flashlight. He shines the light at each chart as he passes.

FRANK (whisper shouting) Charlie!? Charlie! I just checked the front lobby, there is basically no security in this place.

CHARLIE Yeah, I noticed that. I don’t think I’ve ever said this before, but this place is way too disgusting.

FRANK I told you Charlie. Nobody cares about these bone bags. They just dump ‘em here and keep em doped up so some Puerto Rican nurse can rob ‘em blind.

CHARLIE Frank, when I’m old, promise me you won’t do this to me.

FRANK Charlie, when you’re old, I’m probably not gonna-Charlie stops walking and grabs Frank by the shoulders.

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CONTINUED:

21.

11

CHARLIE FRANK, YOU PROMISE ME! YOU PROMISE ME RIGHT NOW!!!

FRANK (whisper shouting) Yeah! Sure, Charlie! Just, be quiet!

They continue walking.

Okay good.

CHARLIE

FRANK I’m gonna go down the west corridor, you take the right.

CHARLIE No wait. Let’s just stick together.

Why!?

FRANK

CHARLIE I mean, I don’t really wanna steal anything...

FRANK Charlie, the whole point of the two man team is so we cover more ground.

CHARLIE Okay, but... can we just do one together first.

FRANK Okay okay, just please be quiet.

They approach a door, Frank shines a light on a clipboard hung on a nearby wall.

FRANK (CONT’D) Jackpot! Gladys Truman. 89.

Glaucoma, arthritis, severe joint pain. She’s a motherload. Dope, Vicodin, Morphine! Morphine, Charlie.

CHARLIE Frank... I don’t think I wanna do this.

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22.

CONTINUED: (2)

11

FRANK Charlie, don’t you Judas on me now.

It’s too late! Now get in there!

But I--

CHARLIE

Frank opens the door. Reveal GLADYS, sitting up in a rocking chair with a gun pointed right at Frank and Charlie.

Shit.

FRANK END OF ACT 2

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23.

ACT 3 12

EXT. PHILADELPHIA ZOO - LION ENCLOSURE - NIGHT Mac stands along the railing near the lion’s enclosure. He eyes up the lions as they lay sleeping. A rope has been tied to the railing that descends into the enclosure.

Mac breathes deep in an effort to prepare himself. He loosens up his shoulders.

VIEW FROM MAC’S CAMERA: Mac points his camera directly at himself.

MAC I’ve always been a humble soldier of God. I’ve dedicated my life to becoming an unstoppable force of nature so that I may better serve him. Now, I put my faith to the ultimate test. Totally bad-ass.

The camera moves as Mac places it on the railing, positioning it with a view of the sleeping lions.

END VIDEO Mac joins his hands in prayer.

MAC (CONT’D) Lord, tonight I ask you for safety and peaceful passage through this dark trial. I undertake this challenge so that I may show my friends the power of your righteousness, but also so that I finally tell them to suck it when I prove that you totally exist.

Mac climbs over the guard rail and grabs the rope, preparing himself for his descent.

Mac notices his camera begin to droop.

Shit.

MAC (CONT’D)

Mac reaches over to fix it, losing his balance.

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24.

CONTINUED:

12

Mac tumbles head first into the lions den, crashing onto the floor of the enclosure.

Mac moans in pain, but slowly raises his head.

His camera falls directly on to his head, knocking him unconscious.

13

INT. PLACID WATERS RETIREMENT HOME - NIGHT Frank and Charlie stand frozen in horror as Gladys points her gun directly at them. She remains completely still.

FRANK (improvising) Son of a-- uhh, a blessed evening.

We are... We are a holy vision!

Sent to you, Gladys.

Frank shoulders Charlie in the ribs.

CHARLIE Oh uh, yeah. It is I, my child.

Jesus, son of God. King of the Jews. Multiplier of... bread.

Gladys keeps her gun pointed on Charlie and Frank.

FRANK Keep it up, Charlie.

CHARLIE Uh... I uhh... Frank, I’m blanking out!

FRANK Say some bible stuff, I’m gonna make a break for the medicine cabinet!

Frank ducks down and rolls into the room. Gladys doesn’t look away from Charlie.

Riffling sounds can be heard as Frank raids the bathroom.

CHARLIE Uhh, and... Lo, doth I descend unto you from my kingdom... my kingdom on high. FRANK! This isn’t working!

FRANK (O.S.) Say a prayer or something!

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25.

CONTINUED:

13

Gladys remains frozen on Charlie.

CHARLIE I am Jesus, Lord of Heaven.

Fabulous secrets were revealed to me the day I held my magic sword aloft-FRANK What is that? Is that He-man!

CHARLIE WELL YOU COME OUT HERE AND HELP I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING!!! I DON’T GO TO CHURCH! Frank returns holding up his robe like a pouch. It is of full orange prescription bottles.

FRANK This is all a dream. Like I said, holy apparitions. Nothing’s wrong.

We bless you in the name of The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit. Amen.

Frank touches Gladys on the forehead to ‘bless’ her. Puzzled, he holds it there.

FRANK (CONT’D) Charlie, she’s cold as ice.

CHARLIE Frank... this lady hasn’t moved once since we got here.

Frank waves his free hand in front of Gladys’ eyes.

No response.

Charlie walks over and grabs the gun from her. She falls over stiff as stone.

FRANK (baffled) Broad’s dead...

Frank and Charlie look at each other in amazement.

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26.

EXT PLACID WATERS RETIREMENT HOME - MOMENTS LATER

14

Frank and Charlie, terrified, run as fast as they can out of the front door of the building. Frank still clutches on to his pouch full of pills.

They run down the driveway and climb into the Van. CHARLIE FRANK, DRIVE!!!

Frank guns it and the van takes off.

The front door of the retirement home opens. An old man watches the van speed off.

15

INT./EXT - VAN/PHILLY STREETS - MOMENTS LATER

15

Charlie and Frank drive away. Charlie is frozen in awkward, terrified silence.

Frank takes a pill from his pile of bottles and pops it.

Charlie looks at him in amazement and disgust.

FRANK (offended) What?

16

INT. PADDY’S PUB Dee and Dennis are on their hands and knees in the back of the bar. A large spool of paper is rolled out, and the two paint in large blocked out letters that read ‘SUCK IT, MAC’.

DENNIS Y’know, Dee. I gotta admit. When you first proposed this banner gloat scheme I was hesitant, but now I’m starting to come around.

DEE (genuine) You like it?

DENNIS It has a certain blunt intensity to it. It’s a bold statement, and a message I think we can all get behind.

16

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16

16

CONTINUED:

27.

16

DEE Yeah. Mac can suck it.

DENNIS Indeed he can.

DEE Wow... Dennis, do you realize this is the longest we’ve ever really been on the same page?

DENNIS I know, it feels good for once. I definitely don’t want to make a habit of it, but it seems to be working for now.

DEE So you’re already sure this won’t last?

DENNIS Oh, of course. I give it another few hours, tops before you say something completely obnoxious and we’re at each others throats. Let’s just enjoy it for now, though.

Charlie and Frank enter, still dressed in their robes and beards. They walk silently over to the bar and begin to drink.

DEE What the hell?

DENNIS Where have you two been?

DEE And why are you dressed like that?

Don’t ask!

FRANK

Charlie buries his head in his arms and begins to sob lightly.

FRANK (CONT’D) For Christ Sake, Charlie. Get over it!

Dee and Dennis walk over.

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16

16

CONTINUED: (2)

16

DENNIS Bullshit. You can’t just show up dressed like Jesus and say you don’t want to talk about it...

Watch me.

28.

FRANK

DENNIS Charlie? Charlie, are you crying?

Charlie raises his head. He stares blankly into the middle distance, his eyes red with tears.

CHARLIE (traumatized) Life... it’s so fleeting.

DENNIS Uh... yeah buddy.

CHARLIE I mean, one day you’re young and healthy and the next you’re shoved off to some terrible nursing home to be mistreated and belittled... and then you just die... That can’t be all there is. There has to be more.

DENNIS No... that’s about it. Just accept it.

CHARLIE But what if I can’t accept that?

DENNIS Then you wind up like Mac. And trust me. You don’t want to be like Mac. FRANK Where is Mac? DEE We left him at the zoo. He’s gonna try to break into the Lion enclosure to prove some stupid point about God. What an idiot.

DENNIS Total idiot.

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16

16

CONTINUED: (3)

16

DEE Yeah, he can suck it! We made a banner that says so. Dennis and I are on the same page for once.

DENNIS Not for long.

DEE Not for long, but for once.

FRANK (eyeing the banner) That’s a quality banner, kids. I’m proud of you.

CHARLIE Wait... Mac’s gonna get eaten by lions?

What? No.

29.

DENNIS

DEE He’ll just puss out. Then we’ll never have to hear any of his dumb God crap again.

CHARLIE (panicked) Frank, we need to go!

FRANK What are you talking about?

CHARLIE Don’t ask, just go! Now! FRANK What? We just got here!

CHARLIE Frank, I need you on this one.

DENNIS What are you two up to?

CHARLIE Let’s go. Now! FRANK But, I wanna help with the banner.

I never get to paint anymore.

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16

16

30.

CONTINUED: (4)

16

Charlie removes his crown of thorns and threatens Frank with it.

CHARLIE FRANK, NOW!!

FRANK Fine! All right! Stop it! Kids, save me some paint!

The two exit.

Dennis and Dee stare at the front door as they hear the Van take off.

DENNIS Jesus Christ.

END OF ACT 3

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16

31.

ACT 4 17

INT. PURGATORY - N/A

17

DREAM SEQUENCE: Mac walks into a void of complete whiteness. He looks around in disbelief.

MAC Where am I? SAINT DANIEL (O.S.) You are at peace my, son.

MAC Am I... dead?

A regal and majestic man, SAINT DANIEL (also played by Danny DeVito), appears before Mac. He radiates benevolent energy.

SAINT DANIEL It is not your time.

MAC Oh... sweet. Saint Daniel.

SAINT DANIEL Ronald, You have made godâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s will manifest. You have gone above and beyond to show your friends his mercy. But, it is not his will that you endanger yourself in this way.

What?

MAC

SAINT DANIEL There is no need to put yourself to this trial. You have done enough.

MAC What are you talking about? I gotta win the bet. I wanna rub their faces in it. They gotta suck it.

SAINT DANIEL Mac, pride is a road to ruin. There is no righteousness in--

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16

17

CONTINUED:

32.

17

MAC With all due respect your holiness... but it sounds like you don’t believe I can do this.

SAINT DANIEL Mac, of course you can’t. They... they’re f**king Lions. Giant African cats. They’ll tear you to shreds in an instant.

MAC What about you? You survived in the den of lions.

SAINT DANIEL I didn’t do that! Nobody could do that. That’s just an anecdotal proverb. A parable.

A what?

MAC

SAINT DANIEL A story made up to teach people a lesson.

MAC But miracles are all around us.

Philly Jesus. The second coming.

SAINT DANIEL Mac. That’s not what faith is about. Faith isn’t about miracles and saints. It’s about steadfast resolve and holding on to your beliefs even when you don’t have proof to back them up.

MAC ... Yeah. Nah. What?

SAINT DANIEL

MAC No... No, I think I got this. I’m gonna survive and then I’m gonna rub Dee and Dennis’s face in it.

SAINT DANIEL You’re serious? Were you not listening?

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16

17

CONTINUED: (2)

33.

17

MAC I don’t think you’re right. I think God’s in my court on this one.

SAINT DANIEL Mac, I’m Saint f**king Daniel.

Trust me. Lions are bad news. You need to get out of here ASAP! MAC Eh... I think I’m gonna just go with the gut on this one. Seeyah, Danny.

Mac!? MAC!

SAINT DANIEL

END DREAM SEQUENCE FADE TO: 18

EXT. PHILADELPHIA ZOO - CONTINUOUS Mac!? MAC!

CHARLIE

Charlie shouts down to Mac from the guard rail of the lion enclosure.

Mac is still completely unconscious.

Frank runs behind Mac, still holding his pills.

FRANK Charlie! Is he down there!?

CHARLIE Yeah. Frank, We gotta go get him. I think he’s knocked out!

FRANK You crazy? I’m not going in there.

Charlie, what the hell has gotten into you?

CHARLIE I’m not sure, but everything we’ve been through tonight... all that junk about faith, and death, and dignity. We can’t let Mac die. God or no God, life is precious!

18

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16

18

34.

CONTINUED:

18 FRANK Screw life! I got something better! <holding up bottles> Vicodin, Xanax, Morphine! If Mac wants his god to save him, let him find out the hard way.

CHARLIE (conflicted) Ah... shit. Look, if you’re not gonna help me, fine. I’m going in.

I gotta. For Mac. For Gladys.

Charlie hops the guard rail and guides himself down Mac’s rope.

FRANK Charlie! This is nuts!

Charlie continues down, but his robe gets caught on the rail.

CHARLIE Damn’it! The robe.

Charlie reaches up to unhook himself but loses grip on the rope.

Charlie!

FRANK

Charlie hits the ground with a hard thud.

CHARLIE (in pain) Son of a bitch! I think I broke my leg.

One of the lions resting in the enclosure begins to stir.

FRANK Charlie! You woke the cat! You woke the cat!

CHARLIE FRANK, DO SOMETHING! Frank looks around in desperation. He breaks into a cold sweat. He looks down at his pill pouch. ...Shit.

FRANK

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16

19

35.

EXT. PHILADELPHIA ZOO - DAWN

19

Mac lies sleeping on the floor of the lion enclosure.

He stirs.

He looks around him, dazed.

Startled, he rises to his feet. He looks out over the small enclosure.

Each lion remains completely still, collapsed in a pile amongst the rocks. He stands amongst them unharmed, much like the painting that inspired him. He grins ear to ear.

Mac turns to climb up the rope, laughing and celebrating.

Mac escapes the Lion’s den and takes off full sprint through the zoo laughing and screaming. Church bells ring and an angelic chorus praises his victory.

20

EXT. PHILLY STREETS - MOMENTS LATER

20

Mac continues his victorious run through the streets of Philadelphia.

21

INT. PADDY’S PUB - MOMENTS LATER Dennis and Dee are asleep on the floor surrounded by spilled paint and empty beer bottles.

Mac bursts through the doors of the bar, head held high.

MAC HALLELUJAH! Dennis squints as he gets up off the floor.

Mac? What the?

DENNIS DEE

MAC YOU GUYS! I DID IT! I SURVIVED! The Lord protected me! Wait, why are you guys sleeping here on the floor. What’s with all the paint.

21

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16

21

CONTINUED:

36.

21

DENNIS Dee and I... our alliance didn’t last. It was inevitable. She said something about bubble letters being better than block letters and we just snapped. We ended up shouting and binge drinking and I guess we just passed out.

Dee stirs from her sleep, her face covered in paint.

DEE Aw crap, the banner!

The banner is ruined, covered in more spilled paint.

MAC Serves you both right. You messed with God and he turned his back on you.

DENNIS Wait a minute. Bullshit you survived the night! There’s no way you actually went through with it.

MAC The last thing I remember I was going down into the pit, and then I woke up this morning completely fine.

DEE What, you expect us to believe that? Where’s the proof?

MAC Wait... that’s it. Proof. You guys.

I met Saint Daniel. He came to me in a vision. He told me that faith is... wait. What did he say? Well, either way. I don’t have to prove anything to you jabronies.

DENNIS No! No, wait. That’s impossible.

DEE We demand a re-test.

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - "MAC GET'S A FAITH INTERVENTION" - 2/28/16

21

37.

CONTINUED: (2)

21

MAC No need. I won, you guys lost. And both of you... can suck it!

Dee, Mac and Dennis begin to shout and argue unintelligibly.

They get right up in each others faces. The only phrase that can be made out is a constant refrain of ‘suck it’ from all three of them.

Suddenly, they’re silenced when Dee’s phone begins VIBRATING. She takes it out of her pocket and looks at the caller ID. Charlie?

DEE

Dee answers her phone.

MAC Wait, where are Charlie and Frank?

DENNIS They were here last night...

Dee is listening to her phone.

DEE What the?... Frank, calm down!

Where are you! Stop screaming...

All right. I’m turning it on now.

Dee turns to Mac and Dennis.

DEE (CONT’D) (exhausted) He says to turn on the TV. I don’t know.

Dennis grabs the remote out of a can of paint and turns the TV on.

The TV shows helicopter footage of Franks van being chased by cops down a highway.

REPORTER If you’re just joining us, Philadelphia police are still in hot pursuit of two men suspected of breaking into the Philadelphia Zoo last night and severely injuring 6 African lions.

DENNIS What the...

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21

38.

CONTINUED: (3)

21

The TV report shows the 6 Lions being rushed to intensive care.

REPORTER It may be too early to tell, but veterinary experts are pointing toward massive drug overdose. The two men were caught by surveillance cameras, driving away from the location late last night.

The television shows surveillance camera footage of Frank and Charlie driving off in the van, still in disguise.

REPORTER (CONTâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;D) Authorities believe the men to be of Middle Eastern descent, possibly Israeli. If you have any information on their whereabouts, please call.

Dee and Dennis look at Mac. DEE Suck it, Mac.

END OF SHOW