Grief During the Festive Season may look like:
Not Wanting To celebrate
Wanting to celebrate
Needing someone else to do all the work
Needing to do all the work themselves
Struggling to do much at all
Staying busy with projects so you don’t have to think or feel anything
Being reminded of your grief ALL THE TIME
Suddenly crying at random moments
Missing the person so much that it physically hurts
Wanting to talk about them
Not wanting to talk about them
Aching for their voice or some small presence
Wanting the holidays to be over already
Not wanting the New Year to start (because it signifies another year without them or a year that they will never be part of)
Grateful for the routine and normality of some of the festive traditions
Finding yourself just going through the motions
Struggling to Stay present for the others who are still here
A big confusing mixture of all of the above and more!
You may see some of these things in yourself, b may also see them in children who are grievi
If you are grieving, these are some things that can be helpful to consider over Christmas time for adults and their children:
Remember to do what feels right for you and your family during the festive period– there is no right or wrong way to celebrate Christmas just as there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
You might want to stick to traditions, or you may feel that a complete change will be more helpful – both are ok, if it feels right for you. Remember you don’t have to conform to what others expect of you!
When children have experienced the death of someone important to them it can really rock their world and take time for them to feel safe and trust that things unpredictable won’t happen to them again. Giving children choices and including them in decisions about what they would like to do over the festive period and how to celebrate can help them to begin to feel safe again. Consider if changing your usual traditions at Christmas will be helpful for the children or possibly feel like another loss to them –ask them their thoughts and include them if possible so any new changes don’t come as a surprise a potential disappointment.
Often families tell us that the build up of Christmas and New Year can be worse than the actual days –again do what feels right for you and your family. You may want to stick to the traditional build up, but you may want to start new traditions, which can include a special time/activity where you will remember the person who has died.
Be kind to yourself – special occasions can be tough when you are bereaved, so try not to put yourself or your children under pressure or undue stress, If you feel you need to ‘be there’ for other family members or friends, try to make time for yourself and your children too.
Try to find time to remember the person who has died with your children. Do something significant to mark a time to remember them such as lighting a candle, hanging a decoration on the tree for them, cooking their favourite meal, raising a glass to them over Christmas lunch, look at their photos or go to a special place that is a place to reflect and remember them.
Buy or make a gift for the person who has died - This may not be for everyone, but a gift or writing a card may bring you and your children comfort at a time of year when they may be sensing a real feeling of loss and missing them immensely.
Try to tell people how you are feeling – It can feel heavy carrying grief and sometimes the feelings that come with it aren’t neat and tidy. It can sometimes feel easier to keep how we are feeling to ourselves, so we don’t ‘ruin’ the festive spirit for others. However, the really isn’t true and your grief should not be hidden away or carried alone, no matter what time of year it is. Try to share how you are feeling with people closest to you and encourage your children to do the same. Although people may not understand, they can be a listening ear and sharing your grief can help it feel less heavy and overwhelming.
Finally – don’t forget to allow yourself and your children permission to have fun and enjoy Christmas time too – this is okay – It does not mean you are grieving any less or that your connection to the person is less.