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Fighting Fighting Fighting Fighting Fighting Fighting Fighting
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FIGHTING THE CITY BEFORE
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LONELY HEARTS C O L U M N
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MISSING YOU As I close my eyes (best to keep them open) I reimagine these pics of a time and place gone by, when troubles were prevalent, still rocketing sky high no time to sigh. I lived for Saturday night and Sunday morning with eggs, bacon, beans and spliff baking, all present in the pages of innocence and rebellion taking. Written in the first person led by the artist of our century is venturing. ‘Down an Alley’ Ghetto club, LGBTQ scene calls me. Ghetto included art school students looking pristine, everyone interested in a glistening scene and much the same shame. Music spitting spleen. We had things in common before the bomb dropped it.
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It felt like a time when we were free to express ourselves within our own self contained, collective constraints of insecurities, all connected to our mutual hated environments, connected to contaminated pastures. Always repeating the game and looking for someone to blame.
That night, I took my camera with me, the one you sent me. Nikon FM2 The best camera ever used, before the blues screwed me.
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I shoved the back of the camera ribbon during a late evening piss up with my thumb. Too expensive to fix, should’ve reached for a Magnum gun.
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Maybe this was a night you were at the club, cause I remember us flirting at some point before I became a fucking cunt. I am missing the weekend, scared of sex and the shudder never feeling confident because you got this! Always missing chances, tangled up in your emotions coming over me. Kisses misplaced and right now, can I ask you, are they misplaced, I reckon they are and I hope you are in the right state, framed between me and the sickness.
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Looking around, I saw someone else for the first time and we chatted together. We were interested and curious in one another. She went to London Met art school. Her hair as conceptual as her gaze. Intense stare, held me captive. I am scared of sexuality so I always run away but I like your pictures and communication is selective therefore I like to hide and be retrospective. We met a few times at the club and she wanted to spend Christmas together. I can’t remember her name as she can’t remember mine. She was spontaneous and I was scared to commit to Christmas together. Looking back, we coulda / woulda, shoulda kissed each other. Lie together on the sofa, watch films, get drunk, stoned and moan. I was / am too scared and distracted so, Christmas didn’t happen, even though I agreed to the plan with her. I did a lot of making plans and breaking plans. I never knew what I wanted / want. And to the individuals I had / have arranged to meet and was / am too scared to show up, I am always thinking of you in my heart, can count you on my hands and we will never split apart.
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I am lucky to have the mates I do and I cherish them. They have seen me reduce from an adult to a crying baby in a bath tub, scared to death everyone is dying and everyone you know and love, transform into a vision of something I fear most in the world. ‘The Anonymous’ stuck with me and in turn, I am right by your side until I leave this world. Leaving a trace of sticky brown saliva tobacco string hanging around and dirty. There are no water glasses trapping spiders anymore because we are free to be ourselves.
Within the perimeter of my wanting and desire, I try to get out before I suffocate but I am scared, so we suffer in silence and we starve. Pushing me down and I’m pushing you further down.
The unbelievable space in - between us that we cannot see but we feel, is all around and is true for most. Perhaps they sit next to you on the bus, not talking, listening and looking out of the window with headphones drowning out the sounds coming in fast into their brain waves. They are feeling the same as you and if you listen carefully, they are speaking to you and some of them tell me to fuck off and they want to stamp on my dog but I love them as I know they also love.
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I watched a Robert Crumb documentary tonight. My mind and mood has been completely lifted, whilst comforted. I’m going to try to live fantasy within drawings and replicate images of the untouchables over again. Psychotic desires come to life and we will see what happens. I have to train my brain again and quit the smokes again.
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Editors Note Dedicated to the dilapidated buildings in and around Newcastle city centre. Buildings, that are deemed unfit for purpose by Newcastle City Council.
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g No real words to say here, apart from actual level of stupidity. Anthe interesting observation was made by Tom Do you wonder who would do in regards to ever his attitude towards social media this? peep will put your mind at ease. and brand building, describing the exact same who shout WorldIt’s Headquarters Clubpeople not a ‘brand’ but a abuse at you from a white van on those by ‘thing’ and goes on to correct James Watling hazy summer days. The same people, saying : who sit in pubs all day and then decide to block the sinks with toilet paper. Yeah, you know the ones.
“ If you think it’s a brand that’s because you haven’t looked behind it ''
He goes on to say, we do not have to do everything everyone would expect us to do. We do the things that we think are important in the order we think there important. World Headquarters is based in the real world, even though we have to have an online reflection, World Headquarters is based in the real world
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Tyne Tees Tv The original Tyne Tees Television studios and home to the anarchic TV pop show The Tube.
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There was something going on tonight under Byker Bridge. An ‘open Mic' night full of Newcastle’s most talented emerging Hip Hop Artists. We filmed the lot and focused on interviewing ( Scrannabis ) Check out what he’s saying /
Q1 It was a refreshing change to hear your laid back style with a kind of jazz, soul and house mix of styles. Where does the style come from? Great question actually! I think my kind of laid back sound actually come from my mum and step dad, and the music they had in rotation. Paulo Nutini and stereophonics. So, when it came to what I actually heard, it was a lot of live sounding instrumentation and your more indie sound I guess. But me being me, I gravitated more towards hiphop as a kid, west coast and Eminem mainly, but over time I think the combination of the two and my love for uk music as a whole have kind of blended together to create something really cool and chill!
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Q2 Places like Birmingham are finding their own voice against a southern backdrop .... but where ( in your opinion does newcastle stand) is the north east ready for an emerging Hip Hop star? I actually think that not only is the north east ready for a hip hop musician to explode, but at this point, it’s honestly only a matter of time. With every release coming out of the scene being bigger and better than the last, give it a year and i think we’ll definitely see at least a couple names standing out from the rest!
Q3 Any names you can give peep the ‘heads up’ on? There was definitely something different about ‘RAP TIME’. Seem to be a different energy about it, opposed to other Hip Hop nights that have been set up? Would you agree?
Actually, yeah a few, the only grind records group seem to be doing really well at the moment ( p mann, rob rezz ) and too common and AP3 are dropping banger after banger actually. And of course, im a fairly active person in the scene as always. u
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But yeah definitely! it has way more of grass roots feel to the event, but that’s what i loved about it! It was my first time at the event and everyone was very welcoming. I was actually worried it wasn’t the right crowd for my laid-back sound, but i was welcomed very well!
Q4 Your music has a light chilled feel, but subtextually, there’s something much deeper going. Is this a conscious thing or is this the way its been produced / created?
“ First off that is a brilliant question, in all my years of interviews I don’t think anyone clocked the deeper context ” but absolutely! most of my music is self produced so its allowed to really micro manage the sound and the overall output of my brand!
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* Q5 peep recently caught you under Byker Bridge at ‘RAP Time’ hosted by Rick Fury & Gilly Man GIRO. Have you acquired any new interest or received any feedback?
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Yes, i did actually! it began before i even got off the stage! You can see in the video of my set that people are coming up to the stage to fist bump me. It was pretty mad actually! I’ve had a few gig inquiries too, that’ll be announced in due time! But yeah, the overall reception i got from rap time was amazing, i really can’t thank Rick enough for putting me on! I cant wait for the next one!
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Welcome to Barbados A very warm welcome from the island of Barbados. Have a great time, just remember to forget your camera. You couldn’t afford it.
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Voices in my head and I see a giant flying bird flying over the church towards me as the sun rises and I knew at that moment in time I was a captive creative in amber stone that was being watched carefully and studied in order to highlight the misuse of substance abuse and the guidance and regulations that must therefore follow. 1
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Another dream follows. The morning is stuffy with feet shuffling, whilst standing outside the house to smoke a cigarette. These birds continue to collect their ways and swoop outside to say hello to me while the pavements are still and yet I start to see a lot of dog ends cigarette butts outside the house. I was angry to see them outside the property but now I understand that they were a message sent and delivered from the collective. The installation of the property has begun.
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I take my dog out for a walk and see George and his dog Tango. The wind howls as the storm is coming and George asks me my size to see if I would fit a boiler suit the same as his. He comments to me ‘I’m a small size.’ I look at him and shrug my shoulders as the wind nearly blows me over. My friend, my enemy who lives in the sky within my current state of mental unrest sets the wind on me to demonstrate my light, slight starving frame. The wind knocks on my door, more like a shake as it rocks the house. The windows rattle as I write every single thought racing through my paralysed and fragmented mind. The children’s story fluctuates around and around my head as follows : ‘I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down.’
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Another nightmare follows night sleep. A flatmate who was completely unreliable. In my waking moments I have flashes of work related issues and the traumas individuals have experienced. The morning after the night before begins and I have been advised to stay inside due to the storm so I do. I think of my childhood experiences and the trauma my mother went through due to my fathers passive aggressive tendencies. He always mocked and laughed at her and as a kid. The depression she was subject to always confused me because his humour was ‘ha ha’ at the expense of her and also at the children. True humour in my opinion comes from the absurdity of life as we know it to be. In art therapy class I drew an image of the ‘ha ha ha ha’ mocking at someone’s expense and I know how she felt because I have had to injure this stigmata for 11 years and even longer than that. ‘Ha ha ha ha’ comes from the evil family whom opulence comes naturally and eagerly. I want for nothing now. Humour is all that remains.
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When the planes fly overhead, it’s not a mystical sign of New York exhibitions of fame and glory. They’re a symbol of death. Flying so high, you’re going to get yourself sectioned and detained. Flying so high, you have no capacity or you’re close to the brink of lung cancer and have 2 months or less to live. Let’s not bring Cancer into this. So many individuals have had / have cancer with their hair removed from chemotherapy. I can only imagine the pain and nausea from the treatment. Self medicating with a toxic plant, poison to me I realise now as I edit this short piece of writing. At one point in my life, it gave me an appetite and stopped the intrusive dreams that slowly drift by like tumble weed, rolling down the dirty pavements.
Note to self. I’m keeping my teeth to hide the middle class shame that got us all in the end. My teeth are big, yellow tombstones. I am proud of them and my shadow tells me to ‘keep your teeth.’ 71
George and Tango live ‘at number 4.’ The significance of the number four is as follows : This is associated with self expression and self fulfilment. This also shows ‘a representation of maturity and stability of mind.’ I live at number 6 which is a symbol of love and romance. The irony is almost religious and the irony is overwhelming, considering the tears over the years, considering the deception and ridicule of ones self confidence. I am listening to Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young title track ‘49 Bye byes’ The number 49 based on Robert Johnson who sold his soul to the devil for fame and success. I’ve made the decision to change the front door lock adding to the total sum of 79 pounds. The number 79 means inner wisdom - following ones instincts. This indicates that the angels are prompting you to follow your instincts. I cancel the locksmiths. Addiction is incredibly destructive. Eyes can pop and fizz and my friends kind natures have become destructive voices in my head. I had a dream, my fingernails grew when I looked at my hands they had grown. I start to write CUNT all over the walls in my house. I am writing out the connections misshapen in my head. I am concerned items in the bathroom are being moved and toothpaste and brushes are being replenished, soft brushes exchanged for hardened smokers brushes and leaving cigarette dog ends in the bathroom.
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Note to self to ring the crisis team at 9pm. A dear friend of mine has chosen herself to be a God. (In my mind) I think about the arrogance to make oneself into a God but slowly but surely I am the one creating such things. My telephone is tapped and the cruelty is consistent because if I comply I receive little rewards that are left outside the house. A disposable pink lemonade Vape pen appeared today. I have decided I am not going to comply to this gross misconduct and violation of privacy.
Number 3 the worst number of all. By now my friends have become evil and dangerous artists. I start to write their names on my wall figuring out the system of madness. Dead people are starting to come alive so I write their names on the wall and they have become the cancer of this house. I notice black specs of cancer floating through the house. This is a visual hallucination but obviously at the time they were specs of cancer that I like to call fruit flies.
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Paranoid delusions alert me to the fact friends, now enemies have blocked my drains because there’s a god awful smell coming from the kitchen and I fear that this type of alchemy is poisonous and those who reap this type of consumption of the soul will reap the error of their ways by being denied access to my home, internet and phone. I now make a call to the police. 36 minutes I wait and still no ambulance so I tie the belt around my neck tighter. The police arrive, 2 officers contacted by myself in order to obtain Olanzapine tablets to ease the psychotic episode. The officers appeared cruel in nature. The younger one of the two turned his COVID mask inside out to reveal some sort of graffiti sign on his mask, his cold lucid eyes balling me and shaming me due to the hysterical call I made to 999. They snoop in my kitchen , refuse to leave the house. The crisis team speak to them as well as my family and eventually they leave. I look around the house at the heavily vandalised rooms. They represent my panic rooms and rooms of paranoia. I was sectioned after these events caught up with me and start from the beginning once again. What I have come to understand from this journey of deep rooted sadness is the power of photography and art. I photographed the patients in the ward and I was still very ill when I returned home. Loud auditory hallucinations prevalent, when in fact the noises were air pockets of the newish built house. Lesson learnt at an oldish age and the priest wasn’t stealing the electricity from the church opposite the building.
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Creative people are fragile and sensitive. Don’t waste time on smoking or messing with precious mind chemicals. I’ve seen the insides of institutions because I self medicated. I tried to escape a hellish controlling relationship and I’m glad I’m now free. Free at 40 and free to see images I would have been afraid of. Time to pick up the camera and focus on life ahead. Choose life. Choose choice. Reach out and seek help. This is a trip into what psychosis in the urban area is truly like. I wasn’t receiving ‘gifts’ outside my door, I was being targeted for a burglary that happened sometime after. Wise up stay strong.
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