Wonderful Winter Events

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News

Cecile Favron News Editor

Henry Tran Assistant News Editor

Cecile Favron / News Editor Henry Tran / Assistant News Editor

November 27, 2017 news@the-peak.ca

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News

Nathaniel Tok Peak Associate

Henry Tran Assistant News Editor

Cecile Favron / News Editor Henry Tran / Assistant News Editor

news@the-peak.ca


News

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November 27, 2017

Agnetha de Sa SFU Student

is hiring We’ll publish newspapers in the spring, and we need people to help put them together! Get paid to work on the newspaper and the website in a fun, flexible work environment!

Production Editor Copy Editor News Editor

APPLICATIONS DUE:

DEC 1

You could f ill any one of these amazing positions!

Assistant News Editor Arts Editor Opinions Editor Sports Editor Humour Editor Features Editor Photo Editor Multimedia Editor Assistant Production Editor (2) Multimedia Assistant Staf f Writer (2)

Send resume and cover letter to jobs@the-peak.ca APPLICATIONS DUE: DEC 1, 2017

Contact eic@the-peak.ca Or visit the-peak.ca/jobs for the details.


6 Opinions Sam Gorick SFU Student

Gabrielle McLaren Staff Writer

Zach Siddiqui / Opinions Editor

opinions@the-peak.ca


Opinions

November 27, 2017

Written by Zach Siddiqui

Think TRU Law TRU Law infuses the classic tradition of law and a legal education with a modern, innovative approach. Our three-year Juris Doctor (JD) program, taught in award-winning, state-of-the-art facilities among the stunning natural beauty of Kamloops, BC, oers students a well-established curriculum—with an edge. Our young faculty are bold and visionary thinkers. They are an accomplished group of scholars and legal professionals with demonstrated excellence in teaching and research. They are also purposeful in fostering a friendly and community-oriented atmosphere, cultivating a highly-engaged and driven student body, to advance the legal profession using a combination of conventional and contemporary solutions.

MC00123121-SFU-Mt. Royal

Be traditional, yet original. Be a part of our TRU Law family.

Apply now Applications for September 2018 accepted until February 10, 2018

tru.ca/thinktrulaw

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, e c i t s l o s e h t , s a tm s i r h C e t a r b e Cel e r o m y n a k r o w e m o h g n i o d t o n d an


Photo courtesy of @burnabyvillage

Burnaby Village Museum Heritage Christmas When: November 25–January 5 Where: Burnaby Village Museum, 6501 Deer Lake Avenue Cost: Free gate admission, carousel rides are $2.65 each If you’re the type to get nostalgic as the holidays come around, the heritage village in Burnaby will be decorated and lit up. Activities range from heritage baking to singalongs and visiting hours with Father Christmas. If you stop by the ice cream parlour, you can also pick up cards for their free Twelve Days of Christmas Scavenger Hunt, which will send you exploring the entire village. Join them for the launch of the season from 4:00 p.m.–9:00 p.m. on December 2, where you can catch the tree-lighting ceremony and enjoy some refreshments.


10 Arts

Alex Bloom / Arts Editor

arts@the-peak.ca

Teach English & Travel the World

Tessa Perkins Peak Associate

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Arts

November 27, 2017

Aaron Richardson Staff Writer

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12 Sports

Andrew Ringer / Sports Editor

sports@the-peak.ca


Sports

Lauren Mason Peak Associate

Andrew Ringer Sports Editor

November 27, 2017

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14 Humour Trumpet.

Layout by Gabriel Yeung

Innu-emoji

The double entendre of emojis

Janis McMath / Humour Editor

humour@the-peak.ca

100% Written by Bernice Puzon and Grace Rose

Emojis — they’re as two-faced as your ex-best friend. Your mom might think they are a cute way to add some colour to her “I love you so much!!” text messages — and your partner might think it's a means of getting creatively down and dirty with you. The sexual innuendo of emojis isn’t always super clear cut, and lots of meanings can get lost in translation. So, if you think you know your eggplant from your peach, brace yourself for the following hidden emoji meanings.

Trumpet. What your mom thinks it means: This is your mom’s way of reminding you to make sure to practice for band class. That, or she’s trying to tell you that she’s surprising you with tickets to the symphony. What it actually means: Come on. . . it’s something that you blow.

Dragon. What your mom thinks it means: If your mom sends you this emoji, it’s probably because she wants to get Chinese food for dinner. Slightly problematic because China is more than dragons — but we’ll just hope she’s talking about Golden Dragon take away. What it actually means: This is for people who want to fangirl over Game of Thrones, or for people who want to fangirl over Game of Thrones while riding their partner like the Khaleesi. Take your pick.

Baby bottle. What your mom thinks it means: This is about babies right? If your mom wants to tell a friend that they have a super cute baby, or congratulate someone on a pregnancy, all she has to do is sendh a heart and a baby bottle. What it actually means: Don’t be like everyone else on the Internet calling random hot guys ‘Daddy’ . . . instead use the baby bottle emoji to make everyone uncomfortable with the hypersexualization of a very normal familial relationship.

How to retreat from the 21st century

Written by Amanda Underwood, SFU Student

What to do when the baby boomers are ridiculing you for using the technology of the era

T

ired of the neverending chain of emails and social media notifications? Anxious about leaving things marked as “read?” How about the pressure to respond to texts and group project Facebook chats? Is keeping your Instagram aesthetic on point and your Snapchat streaks lit exhausting? Maybe your aging grandparents are right . . . maybe things were better back in the good ol’ days. If you’re looking for an escape, you’ve found it. We’ve compiled our top picks of how to retreat from the 21st century.

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Illustrated by Hannah Zaitlin

#Adoptdontshop a carrier pigeon so that you no longer need to blame Canvas for keeping you from accessing your readings — now it’s the pigeon who didn’t deliver! Instead of being chided by your professors for not checking your email for the updated syllabus and being told that “you young people are always connected to your phones,” leaving little room for excuses, you can blissfully retreat to the days of “sorry, my carrier pigeon must have gotten lost and/or eaten!”

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Looking to spruce up your apartment or dorm room? Try arsenic green wallpaper! This chic but deadly home decor comes in a variety of green floral patterns that evoke a bygone era — and by the end of the semester you’ll be gone too!

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Instead of asking Siri or Googling what that strange lump is, make a three-month overland trip to the nearest doctor and die on the way.

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Is the average cold and flu season not enough for you? Catch a plague: the Black Death, Yellow Fever, Spanish Flu, Cholera . . . whatever you fancy, there’s a horrid disease out there for you! And thanks to anti-vaxxers, this goal is the most attainable tip on the list!

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Housing prices and rent got you down in the dumps? Why not follow grandpa’s advice and move to the middle of nowhere, buy a plot of land, build a house, and become a farmer! Who needs a university degree anyways? It’s not like I’m already $20,000 in debt and pretty invested in finishing by now.

6 Monkey.

Illustrated by Emma Wu

What your mom thinks it means: Oh my goodness, this little baby monkey is so shy and adorable! If she’s sending this, it’s probably because she’s done something cute and silly that she knows she shouldn’t do — like buy ice cream instead of fruit! What it actually means: I am covering my eyes to disguise the fact that I am not going to have an orgasm from this sexual encounter, nor can you do anything to ever give me one.

Rocket.

Stay oblivious to the world around you and willfully ignorant to the consequences of your actions and over-consumption! Who cares about the environment and climate change? Burn ALL the coal! Exploit ALL the resources! Who cares about whether or not future generations will be able to sustain themselves if the future is now?

Layout by Gabriel Yeung

Images courtesy of emojipedia.org/apple

What your mom thinks it means: She’s sending this because she accidentally discovered this in her phone, and just wanted to send it to you because she thought it was cute. What it actually means: If you’re sending this, you’re effectively telling your partner to go listen to “Rocket” by Beyoncé to give them a little preview of what could happen later. Definitely do NOT recommend that song to your mother.

Illustrated by Hannah Zaitlin

G.Y.


Humour

November 27, 2017

COMIC Letters for Santa by Kathy Mak

G O D S O F B U R N A BY M O U N TA I N T O P R AY T O D U R I N G E X A M S

GABRIELLE MCLAREN, S TA F F W R I T E R

WHOM TO WOR SHIP ON THE CANADIAN E Q U I VA L E N T O F M O U N T O LY M P U S Desperate times call for desperate measures, but ‘desperate’ doesn’t even begin to describe the hellish downward spiral that happens once you haul yourself over the midterm hump and plummet into finals. Luckily, Burnaby Mountain is the Canadian equivalent of Mount Olympus, and this SFUspecific pantheon of deities is ready to help.

Crapicus

The Token Evil God

Athodin

God of Wisdom and Knowledge Athodin is the father of all Burnabian gods. Legend has it that every tear shed by a student contains a drop of that student’s knowledge and life source. One day, a group project was such a tragic trainwreck that a god was born from the collective pool of tears formed on the floor of their study room. If you need help remembering a lecture, filling the gaps in your patchy-ass notes, or coming up with an intelligent thesis, Athodin is your deity. Summon his wisdom and blessing by laying your textbooks in a circle and standing in the middle screaming information like: THE MITOCHONDRIA IS THE POWERHOUSE OF THE CELL, JELLYFISH EAT AND POO FROM THEIR MOUTHS, or a number of other fun facts.

Cafeia

Goddess of Energy, Motivation, and Focus With the blessing of the mighty goddess shining down on you, your 2:00 a.m. cup of coffee will wake you up and sharpen your focus instead of just turning you into a hot mess constantly jumping off the walls and laughing hysterically about poor-quality memes. Call on Cafeia during the daytime, and she will also make sure that your friendly barista gets your order just right. Her symbol is an owl, whose nocturnal habits and intensely focused eyes represent the effect her blessing has on students. They are also the animals who pull her chariot, which she rides across the sky at night to throw down fucks onto the homes of her followers, or anybody else who has run out of fucks to give.

Crapicus is the alter-ego of Athodin. Where one is the god of knowledge and wisdom, this piece of shit is the god of fake news, unreliable sources, and misinformation your prof propagated. He appears with the head of a cow, though he is a shapeshifting trickster god that can be hard to find. He is heavily adorned with bracelets of fool’s gold that Athodin has welded to his skin in order to identify him. His hobbies include editing Wikipedia pages and killing all the links to useful articles you can find on the library’s website. If you need to push away shitty sources or stop your stupid brain from coming up with filth, you can pray to Athodin who will beat his brother’s ass and protect you. If you need to attract some bullshit to reach your word count, leave a plate of animal feces on your open windowsill.

Yahoogle God of Research

A little-known fact about the Bennett Library is that it actually has a hundred floors — the top floors are simply inaccessible to mere mortals because it is the home of the gods. Legend says that it is a beautiful place, where there is seating aplenty, it never smells weird, and nobody has drawn penises on any services. One day, the god Yahoogle disturbed the peace and was cast down by the other gods. In penance, he wanders the lower floors of the library — helping the librarians keep the shelves organized, picking up the trash shitty people leave on the tables, fixing the broken computers, helping students work out their theses, or finding the perfect book that will accelerate their research. To summon Yahoogle and his help, stand in the library, close your eyes, and spin in a circle three times whispering ‘holy shit I’m fucking screwed, holy shit I’m fucking screwed, holy shit I’m fucking screwed.’

Illustrated by Cora Fu

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16 Diversions

Yuri Zhou / Business Manager

business@the-peak.ca

PEAK SPEAK

P. 7

Q: HOW FUCKED ARE YOU FOR EXAMS? Compiled by Michelle Chiang , Gene Cole, and Winona Young

“Pretty fucked, haven’t started studying yet. I don’t even know what my final is on for any of my finals. None of my profs have started talking about it. [. . .] [I] haven’t even started my term paper that’s [due] on Thursday. That should come before the final.”

Tira Pati Fourth-year sociology

“Oh my God, so fucked. I’m doing my science requirements right now and I don’t know what science is.” Across 1. Thirst quenchers 5. Among 9. Assists a crook 14. Speak wildly 15. Copenhagen resident 16. Christmas song 17. Hopping insect 18. Italian vegetable soup 20. Type of steak 22. Threw 23. Maker 26. Roof of the mouth 30. Billion years 31. Rents 35. Delighted 36. Salmon eggs

37. Musician ____ Clapton 38. "____ disturb" (2 wds.) 39. Parking area 40. Ballroom dance 41. Attention-getting sound 42. Bro, e.g. 43. Not as hard 44. Girl 45. French friend 46. Orb 47. Appease 49. Smudges 53. Meaner 58. Legislature, in Canada 61. Doing nothing 62. Ohio city 63. "____ dead people!" (2 wds.)

64. Merge 65. Bowler's button 66. Scottish loch 67. Lip Down 1. Dog's sounds 2. Surrealist painter Salvador ____ 3. Always 4. Close securely 5. Respected 6. Augusta's locale 7. Hostel 8. Low grade 9. Movie star 10. Soap units 11. Greek mythology figure 12. Hue 13. Snow coaster 19. Large pebble 21. Eight musicians 24. Kind of exercise 25. Horn blast 26. Bicycle part 27. Luau greeting 28. Highway divisions 29. Tiny particles 31. Fido's rope 32. Bert's friend 33. Golfer ____ Woods 34. Movie music 39. Peruvian capital 40. Cassettes 42. Hot sauce 43. Manors 47. Fabric pattern 48. Rice and Frank 49. Ship's pole 50. Create 51. Proves human 52. Burn-soothing plant 54. Robbins and Allen 55. Thought 56. Building extensions 57. Cincinnati baseballers 59. 60 secs. 60. Vane letters

Erin Patterson Second-year communications

“I would say I’m pretty excited for finals just because I’ll see if I die or not. It’s [. . .] a good try, [. . .] for the first year. We’ll see how it goes for another four years.”

Anastasiia Lozitskaia First-year psychology

“Oh my God. Oh, [. . .] pretty fucked. Um, yeah. It’s one of those [times] where you look back like ‘I would’ve appreciated if I studied earlier.’”

Ryan Danton Second-year kinesiology CLASSIFIED

Interested in getting involved with The Peak? Stop by one of our weekly pitch meetings (no commitment required!) Mondays at 11:00 a.m. MBC 2900.


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