HUMOUR
June 6, 2022
Your Weekly Horoscopes The future is not yet clear . . . Perhaps I need to clean my glasses
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June 6–12 Max Lorette Peak Associate
ARIES — Mar 21–Apr 19
LIBRA — Sept 23–Oct 22
The stars have informed me that it is a good idea for you to stay
Nature has been calling you! You have been evading nature’s call! They’ve
inside as much as possible this week. The cosmic forecast is calling
left, like, 10 voicemails now. You’re running out of storage! You should really
for a killer sunburn on your horizon, and God knows you haven’t
call them back. Go touch some grass and hug a tree or something. Maybe go
been keeping up with your SPF routine. Maybe try beating your
smell a flower or two. Change your phone background to some trees, maybe?
Guitar Hero high score instead of suntanning.
I don’t know, dude, I’m just the messenger.
TAURUS — Apr 20 –May 20
SCORPIO — Oct 23–Nov 21
When was the last time you cleaned your bedside table, Taurus? The
Next time you’re invited out to a bonfire, whatever you do, DO NOT play
number of mugs, bowls, and spoons makes me very concerned. Is that
“Wonderwall.” The forest spirits have become restless, and the stars
mould growing in your half-empty teacup? Yuck! I promise you will feel
have informed me that they are NOT Oasis fans. Instead, try mixing your
much better after you take care of the mess. It might not declutter your
setlist up with some Taylor Swift. The spirits are totally Swifties.
overactive mind, but it also couldn’t hurt.
GEMINI — May 21–Jun 20
SAGITTARIUS — Nov 22–Dec 21
Do you feel as though you’ve been missing something from your life, my
When was the last time you did some self-reflection? Take a good, hard look
dearest Gemini? Do you feel an aching emptiness inside of you? When
in the mirror. Remember how far you’ve come. Remember to be proud of the
was the last time you saw your wallet? Or better yet, when was the last
person you’ve grown into. You’re doing amazing. Mwah! (Also, I think you
time you saw your appendix? I’m telling you, the government is totally
might have something in your teeth).
harvesting that organ for some reason. I’m onto them. You should be, too.
CANCER — Jun 21–Jul 22
CAPRICORN — Dec 22–Jan 19
The stars are telling me that you have been looking for love in all
The stars have informed me that they are incredibly disappointed that you
the wrong places. Have you tried looking under the couch? In the
haven’t been keeping up with your silent reading time! What, do you think
dryer? Perhaps in the back of your closet? Oh wait, I think I got your
because you’ve exited the public school system you can just quit silent
soulmate mixed up with that pair of socks you lost three months ago.
reading? Go to a used bookstore, get the oldest looking tome you can and
Good luck anyway!
get back to it. The book probably isn’t cursed.
LEO — Jul 23–Aug 22
AQUARIUS — Jan 20–Feb 18
Have you been looking for a new way to be the life of the party this
Have you been feeling stuck in your music taste lately? Have you tried discovery
summer? Leo, this season is all about you. Next time you get invited
weekly? If that doesn’t help, maybe try listening to some classical music. I’m
to hang out in a group, the stars advise you to learn how to do the
pretty sure that blasting “O Fortuna” at full volume while you strut your stuff this
worm. Trust me, it will bring your adoring crowd to their knees.
summer is the vibe that the stars have in mind.
VIRGO — Aug 23–Sept 22
PISCES — Feb 19–Mar 20
The stars have informed me that this upcoming week is the best
Take a deep breath, Pisces. Straighten up that spine, roll your shoulders
time for you to change up your style! Why wait until the new year
back, and correct your posture. Your back literally looks like a lowercase
to be a whole new you? Go buy a cowboy hat! Get a pair of crocs!
“r” right now. Maybe it’s time to visit a chiropractor again. Crack my bones,
Go nuts!
Posture Daddy.
RACC OON REPORT
What’s on the Menu: Weekly reports with your best pal and racoon, Stinks Bigger bins don’t always mean bigger treats Welcome back to What’s on the Menu. I am your best pal, Stinks the Raccoon, with the weekly report on what the students are tossing in the trash. Thanks to your readership, this has become the top raccoon newsletter. We have a treat for you. In the past month, a number of students have moved off the SFU residence area, and what was left behind was a feast! Tune into my report to hear more. The amount of garbage left on the sides of the flooded bins was impeccable. Just prime stuff. I’m talking Cheeto dust, Maruchan ramen packs, and beautiful SPAM. Even some whole packages of spinach! I guess humans buy produce to watch them wilt. so we’ve been lucky lately, but I’m no scientist.
Next on What’s on the Menu is the top five foods the community has voted on. At number five is cracked eggs. Whilst these are gems hard to find, the sweet yolk and the crunch of the eggshell makes it worthwhile. At number four is the frogs. Chewy and puffy, the elastic skin is good for a long munch, especially if food is scarce. With the rain coming in and out, these snacks have become rare, so look out, folks. At number three and two we have the rotten mangoes and watermelons. If you are lucky you might find tomatoes, too. The humans are definitely getting back on the summer fruit wave.
If you missed it, do visit our website where you can buy your favorite snacks and check the countdown clock on when the next treasures will be flooding in the Garbage Disposals of Glory. Of course, you will need to turn your alerts on and pass this information along to your families.
At number one is our all time favorite and is still holding its position: the canned and jarred food. We have the old moldy beans, tangy jams, and beef cans. Mushroom soups too, yuck, but it is on the list. While sticking our little paws into the cans is most definitely unsafe, it’s always worth the risk.
And now, it is with great sadness to announce that Mr. Slow Paws’ son, Sticky Paws, got himself stuck in the garbage disposal. What pushed him to go this far, we do not know. Our top sources indicate he wanted to find the most priced junk in order to sway the ladies.
In other news, the president of racoon watch, Mr. Scraps, has announced that the local humans in our area have decided to change the bins. While the bins signify more supply, we ought to watch out for the composite bins with the new locks that trap everything inside. Our composite stealth missions are currently halted until further investigation.
We are deeply saddened by this news. We were not able to recover him because it was garbage pick up day. Goodbye, sweet prince. May you eat lots of garbage, whatever garbage disposal you visit next. NE RCYA KALI N O // STAF F W RI TE R
Thank you for tuning in on What’s on the Menu, I’ve been Stinks, and that is all for the news today. Remember to travel in packs and always hiss if a human thinks you are cute.
ILLU STRATION: Megan Yung / The Peak
