When Parents Divorce Leader E-Guide

Leader E-Guide

Lynn Cassella-Kapusinski

When Parents Divorce or Separate Leader E-­Guide A group program for children in grades 3–­6 who are experiencing parental divorce or separation

Lynn Cassella-­Kapusinski, MS, LGPC Faith Journeys Foundation, Inc. www.faithjourneys.org

Boston

Cover and interior design by Mary Joseph Peterson, FSP page 40—©iStock.com/GlobalStock ISBN-­10: 0–­8198–­8352–­2 ISBN-­13: 978–­0-­8198–­8352–­0 All rights reserved. With the exception of reproducible pages, no part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Photocopies may be made only of reproducible pages (identified with a copyright notice on the bottom of the page). The following conditions apply: 1) photocopies must be made by an educator as part of a systematic learning program in a non-­profit educational institution; 2) the photocopies are provided to students free of charge; 3) the copyright notice must be visible on each copy; 4) commercial use of the photocopies is prohibited. Any other use that is not provided for in this paragraph is subject to written permission from Pauline Books & Media.

The reproducible pages found at the end of this book can also be printed online at: www.Pauline.org/ WhenParentsDivorce.

“P” and PAULINE are registered trademarks of the Daughters of St. Paul.

Copyright © 2015, Lynn Cassella-­K apusinski Published by Pauline Books & Media, 50 Saint Pauls Avenue, Boston, MA 02130–­3491 www.pauline.org Pauline Books & Media is the publishing house of the Daughters of St. Paul, an international congregation of women religious serving the Church with the communications media.

Contents About the Faith Journeys Foundation, Inc. About This Resource Why Start a Family Changes Group?

Meeting the Pastoral Needs of Children The Benefits of Guidance (Psychoeducational) Groups Format of the Group Program Session Format Giving Homework Involving Parents Concurrent Group for Parents Repeating Participants Eight Session Plans (based on When Parents Divorce or Separate) Session 1: Family (Chapter 1) Session 2: Crummy Feelings (Chapter 2) Session 3: Divorce Problems (Chapter 4) Session 4: More on Divorce Problems Session 5: Divorce Solutions (Chapter 5) Session 6: Anger (Chapter 7) Session 7: God (Chapter 8) Session 8: Forgiveness (Chapter 9) Downloadable Handouts FAQ’s from Parents Consent Form for Family Changes Group Sample Flyer Intake Questionnaire Family Changes Group Rules

About the Faith Journeys Foundation, Inc. Since 2002, the Faith Journeys Foundation, Inc., has been providing pastoral care programs for children and adolescents from divorced and separated families, utilizing materials and resources written by the Founder and President, Lynn Cassella-­ K apusinski, MS, LGPC. As a Catholic “child of divorce,” Lynn knows firsthand about the difficulties and grief experienced by these young people because she has lived through them herself.

As a happily married woman, Lynn also understands the challenges this wound can pose in forming healthy relationships as well as the importance of bringing God’s healing presence and the wisdom of Church teaching into the situation. In addition to her own experience and years in the field, Lynn has graduate training in pastoral counseling and works as a Catholic school counselor.

Faith Journeys is listed in The Official Catholic Directory under the Archdiocese of Baltimore. The core of our approach with separated and divorced families stems from a firm belief in Catholic teachings regarding the redemptive value of suffering.

We believe that children who have suffered the pain of family break up can be truly more capable of giving and receiving genuine love. We incorporate the example of Jesus—­who showed that the only way out of pain is through it—­into our pastoral care. In so doing, we attempt to help children see that embracing their hurts will not defeat them but, instead, lead them toward wholeness and peace.

About This Resource ready-­ to-­ use session plans and other practical information to help leaders run an 8-­week group program. These plans can be modified to accommodate longer or shorter programs, including day retreats. Faith Journeys has received very positive feedback from children and parents who have participated in these sessions. For more information about developing a pastoral care program for your parish, school, or diocese, please visit our Website at www.faithjourneys.org, and feel free to contact us with your questions.

The intent of this program is to help young people move through the grief and difficulties of their parents’ separation and divorce in an ordered and specific way that is developmentally appropriate. This structure is very important, particularly for children, since separation and divorce is a chaotic and emotional time for them. The structure not only helps them feel less overwhelmed, but also provides encouragement for confronting and processing difficult feelings and problems that they are otherwise likely to push away.

In utilizing the When Parents Divorce or Separate guidebook, this Leader’s Guide provides detailed,

1

When Parents Divorce or Separate Leader E-Guide

Why Start a Family Changes Group?

Meeting the Pastoral Needs of Children

overwhelmed with big questions about faith such as: What does it mean to honor a parent who is behaving dishonorably? If God really loved me, wouldn’t God have stopped the divorce? Is the divorce God’s way of punishing me? and How can anything good come from this hurt? Without proper processing of these deeply human questions, children may feel alienated from God and the Church at a time when they need their faith the most.

Lastly, the majority of these children will have no other means of assistance for navigating their grief and learning the skills necessary for moving forward. Divorced and separated parents, burdened with their own grief, will likely be unable to provide this support and guidance. In addition, children are often reluctant to confide in a parent about divorce-­related problems for fear of upsetting a parent(s) even more. These children may not have access to a counselor either, given financial constraints resulting from the break-­up or a parent’s perception that therapy is not necessary, particularly if the child is not exhibiting “at risk” behavior.

All children have pastoral needs, and children from families experiencing divorce or separation have a specific set of needs stemming from that experience. This program is critically important for four main reasons. First, children from separated and divorced families experience a complicated type of grief that, if not sufficiently navigated and resolved, can put them at higher risk for getting divorced themselves. While children may not require therapy in this regard, they do need the assistance of caring, professionally-trained adults to help them process their loss and learn positive coping and communication skills for moving forward. As such, this group also serves as a much needed marriage-­building initiative for the Church.

Second, this type of group is needed to combat prevalent misconceptions that divorce grief is not “real grief,” which, in turn, can encourage children to deny or discount their grief even further. Unlike bereavement, there are no wakes, funerals, nor sympathy cards to comfort children from divorced or separated families. Additionally, if the marriage was a high-­ conflict or abusive one, adults may overlook the child’s grief even more, concluding that the divorce was for the best. Yet, even when children are provided “relief” in this regard, the emotional pain of their loss remains. Children will carry that loss for years, even decades, until they are given sufficient opportunities to heal from it.

Third, The Faith Journeys Foundation firmly believes that children need to draw on their faith and the guidance of Church teachings in order to grow from this difficulty. This focus is particularly important as the pain of divorce or separation can result in children developing an unhealthy image of God. At this vulnerable time, children are easily

The Benefits of Guidance (Psychoeducational) Groups Groups that allow children to work through their grief in an ordered and specific way encourage them to confront various issues associated with the separation or divorce. These groups do not take the place of therapy. Instead, they teach coping skills, help young people identify their feelings and learn healthy ways to express them.

Groups also provide the unique benefit of normalizing losses for young people and helping them feel less alone. Whenever several children talk together and share their experiences, their feelings become quickly validated. Often one child may be

2

When Parents Divorce or Separate Leader E-Guide

Research shows that children who participate in groups have fewer adjustment problems, and that these positive effects are maintained over a two-­year period. Even if the separation or divorce occurred years ago, young people still benefit from a group program because, at every stage of development, they rework their losses and process them at higher levels of maturity and awareness.

able to articulate thoughts and feelings that another child is experiencing, but has difficulty verbalizing. That can present opportunities for emotional release. Groups also provide a level of comfort through “safety in numbers.” This also facilitates children’s expression of feelings, often earlier than in individual or family counseling.

Format of the Group Program Our group program consists of eight sessions held on the same day/time each week. It is designed for a small group of four to eight participants in grades three through six. Because of the “building process” of the curriculum, no new members are permitted to join after the second session. It is also recommended that the lessons be used in order. If you plan to use this curriculum in conjunction with one for an adult group, however, the order of the sessions can be changed so that both the adults and children are exploring the same topics at the same time (See “Concurrent Group for Parents”).

Each session contains specific objectives, a list of supplies needed, instructions for facilitators, and detailed notes and scripts for each part of the session (e.g., check-­in, warm-­up activity, book work, closing, and wrap-­up activity). It is important to explain the purpose of doing the activities that are included or to ask the children why they think they are doing a particular activity. By doing so, group members will not get the impression that these activities are “just for fun.” Stay open to including activities that the children ask for as well, especially if relevant to the topic or if time permits. The more ownership that children can take of the group, the more beneficial it will be for them.

is recommended to allow for sufficient processing and at least one activity.

Timelines given for the check-­up, warm-­up, book work, closing, and wrap-­up activities are estimates meant to help you keep the session moving in a timely way. Given the needs and concerns of the children in the group, you may want to spend more or less time on a particular discussion or activity.

Giving Homework In the closing section of each lesson, children are either assigned “homework” from the “Extra Things to Help Yourself” sections at the end of each chapter in the book, or they are given a topic to think about or practice before the next meeting.

While not required, these assignments are effective tools to encourage the children to apply and develop the skills they are learning. Leaders should also ask group members for input on the homework. Asking them the questions below is a positive way to do this. y

What would each of you like to work on between now and the next session?

y

Go around in the circle and complete the sentence, “One thing I need to practice outside of group is .”

y

What can you do between now and the next session to practice what you have just learned?

Session Format The plans included in this guide are based on 90-­minute sessions. Sessions can be shorter or longer, however a minimum timeframe of 75 minutes

3

When Parents Divorce or Separate Leader E-Guide

Involving Parents that addresses the same, or similar, topics as the children are exploring. An adult group can help foster parent/child discussion of important divorce-­ related topics and stresses the responsibility that parents have in helping their child to adjust and grow stronger from family hardship. Children benefit even if an adult program focuses on personal healing rather than on addressing the child’s grief.

Understandably, parents will only be able to help their child to the extent that they are healed themselves.

It is vitally important to find a vehicle for involving parents so that the gains children achieve can be supported as fully as possible, thereby maximizing the benefits they receive from the group.

The best way to involve parents is to offer a concurrent group for them that addresses the same topics at the same time (see “Concurrent Group for Parents”).

However, if you do not have facilitators available to lead an adult group, another effective way to involve parents is to notify them each week via e-­mail of the specific topics, questions, and concerns addressed during the session, and encourage them to discuss these further with their children.

In order to maintain trust, communications with parents should avoid mentioning names or giving specific details that would reveal any child’s identity. You may also choose to include some instructional information (e.g., how divorce affects children developmentally, suggestions to help parents in talking about the separation or divorce, etc.). These updates are another way to reinforce parents’ responsibility in supporting their child through the challenges of separation or divorce.

At the conclusion of the program, it can be helpful to offer individual conferences with parents who are interested. The purpose of this type of meeting is to share more directly with parents the feelings and concerns their child has regarding the separation or divorce, inform parents of anything you may have noticed specifically during the group, and make any recommendations you may have for moving forward. It is recommended that the child also be permitted to attend this type of meeting in order to help facilitate parent/child communications.

Repeating Participants Even though children may be reluctant to attend the group at first, many of the children we have worked with have asked to repeat the group or have extra sessions added once the 8 weeks have concluded. We encourage repeat participants, provided the child has not been disruptive and/or resistant to working during the sessions.

Even though the same skills and concepts will be addressed in a second, eight-­week group, it is beneficial for children regardless. First, the repetition and review increase the likelihood that the skills and concepts will be retained and applied beyond the group setting. Second, a child may be experiencing different problems because of a related change (e.g., moving, a parent starts dating or remarries, parent moves out of state, a divorce is finalized, etc.), which has the potential to trigger fresh grief. Children also benefit from identifying how they have grown since the last group.

Oftentimes, children notice that their feelings have diminished in intensity. This experience gives them and other children hope that their difficulties can, and do, get better.

Concurrent Group for Parents It is extremely helpful for children if a concurrent guidance group is also offered for their parents

4

When Parents Divorce or Separate Leader E-Guide

Eight Session Plans For use with When Parents Divorce or Separate: I Can Get Through This

5

When Parents Divorce or Separate Leader E-Guide

Session 1: Family When Parents Divorce or Separate—­Chapter 1

Session Objectives Children will: y

Begin to establish trust in the group.

y

Learn the purposes of the group.

y

Create group rules.

y

Identify family changes that are hardest to accept.

y

Identify how one’s family is still a family.

y

Explore the Fourth Commandment and what it means to belong to God’s family.

Supplies Needed y

Pens and/or pencils, markers, colored pencils and/or crayons

y

Blank white paper

y

Foam (or any type of soft) ball

y

Family Changes Group Rules handout

y

Name tags (optional)

y

Folder for each participant (optional)

y

White board and dry-­erase marker (optional)

y

Copies of When Parents Divorce or Separate: I Can Get Through This, one for each child

Notes for the Facilitator Children can be apprehensive about joining a guidance group because they do not know what to expect. They also may fear talking about their family’s changes because they know it may hurt on some level (like going to the dentist!). Therefore, the primary purpose of this first lesson is to show children that the group is a safe place in which their feelings will be treated with respect and utmost care. As such, it is important not to pressure them to share. Another goal for this session is to get the children talking and interacting with one another.

6

When Parents Divorce or Separate Leader E-Guide

Warm-­up

(15 min.)

1. Welcome everyone to the Family Changes group. Tell the children your name and position.

2. Introduce warm-­up activity.

Say: “Before we begin, we’re going to play a game to help you get to know one another. It’s called “Favorites.” We will pass around this ball and each of you will say your name and then tell about your favorites. I’ll get you started. Let’s begin with your favorite ice cream flavor. “My name is , and my favorite ice cream flavor is .”

Then, pass the ball and ask the children to do the same. Other favorite categories can include pizza topping, TV show, class, hobby, sports team, place, restaurant, etc. If time permits, allow the children to suggest categories.

Explain Purpose of Group and Create Rules

(15 min.)

1. Explain purpose of the group.

Say: “As you heard, some of you like different things. Some of you like the same things (give examples). What do we all have in common that’s the reason why we’re having this group?” (We have parents who are separated or divorced.) “And even though your family situation is unique, meeting in a group like this helps you realize that other kids have separated and divorced parents too. Hopefully, that will help you feel less alone.

Another purpose of the group is to give you a safe place to express your feelings regarding your parents’ separation or divorce and share your difficulties as well as what may be helping you. We’ll also talk about problem-­solving and coping skills, and you’ll get a chance to explore your relationship with God and learn more about Church teachings that can help you. We’ll have fun too!”

2. Create group rules.

Say: “This type of group can only be successful if we trust one another. What kind of trust do you think I mean? (Trust that no one will be made fun of or judged for what they share or if they start to cry;

7

When Parents Divorce or Separate Leader E-Guide

trust that what someone shares will not be gossiped about to others, etc.) Trust is what enables us to feel safe. In order to make this group as safe as possible, we will need to have some rules. It’s like when you go swimming at a pool. There are rules to make sure you’re safe and no one gets hurt. What do you think some of those rules should be?” (You can ask a volunteer to write them on the white board.) “Those are many of the same thoughts I had too.”

Distribute the “Family Changes Group Rules” handout. (Or ask the children what they think the rules for the group should be and write them down on a blank sheet of paper. If pursuing this option, be sure to suggest those rules mentioned in the handout.)

Say: “Let’s go over this handout.

“Rule number 1 is ‘Show respect’. This also applies to me. In addition to helping with our discussions, my job is to keep you safe. It’s like listening to the lifeguard at the pool. I need you to listen to me also.

“Rule number 2 is ‘Keep sharing private’. This is called confidentiality. It means that you own what you say and can share with whom you like, but you do not own what others say and should keep everyone else’s comments private.

Confidentiality is important because it allows you to trust that everyone will respect what you say and, therefore, it helps you feel comfortable in sharing.

“I cannot guarantee that all of you will follow this rule, because I can’t control what you say and do. But I do want to stress that it is very important. If I hear that anyone breaks confidentiality and uses what is said in this group against someone else, you will be asked to leave the group. You also need to know that there are some exceptions when, legally, I would need to break confidentiality. One is if you were to say that you wanted to hurt yourself or someone else. Another is if you report anything related to abuse. Then, by law, I’d have to report that and get you help, so you can be safe. Are there any questions about that?

“Rule number 3 is ‘Take turns speaking’. This is similar to the rule at the pool where only one person is on the diving board at a time. Everyone can speak, but only one at a time.

8

When Parents Divorce or Separate Leader E-Guide