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TO LOSE MYSELF PATRICIA ARAMBURU


NO ONE can do things all on their own. I could only have done this with the help, contribution and expertise of Natalia Aramburu. Her great knowledge, perseverance, willingness and wisdom has saved and found me. This project could only have been completed by the two of us together. SOMEONE can become the one, and you are the one under my skin. There are no words to explain my gratitude; everything I do is because you mirror me. Every day that goes by, you sculpture me to be me.

To lose myself has been funded by artistic research and development funding from the Royal Institute of Art Stockholm. This is a three-year long artistic development project.

BAKGRUND BACKGROUND

02

MÅL OBJECTIVE

03

METOD METHOD

04

LÄGE LOCATION

Every time we spoon we fit like puzzle pieces in a soup

ANYONE has the capacity to do anything if you have others with you. I can’t thank you enough for giving me patience, trust, humour, energy and wisdom. You are tattooed in my soul and every time I walk the gray, windy, cold streets of Stockholm I smile, because I can still feel our friendship growing.

01

05

RIKTLINJER GUIDELINES

07

REGLER RULES

11

JAG HATAR, ATT HATA ATT VARA KVINNA I HATE, TO HATE TO BE A WOMAN

31

JAG VAR SOM LUFT, SOM OM JAG INTE FANNS I WAS LIKE AIR, AS IF I DID NOT EXIST

51

JAG SOV LIKE A BABY, ÄLSKAR LJUD I SLEPT LIKE A BABY, LOVE SOUND

71

KÄNNER MIG SÅ ARROGANT I FEEL SO ARROGANT

79

REFERENS REFERENCE

Anything can become everything

EVERYONE in Pune, Lagos and Istanbul: I thank you for inviting me to your homes. Only humble and honest people are able to open their hearts to a stranger. I thank you for giving me such interesting places to work, and making me part of your group- I learned a lot from you.


BAKGRUND

MÅL

AS EMOTIONS

AS LAYERS

BACKGROUND

OBJECTIVE I’M OPEN TO MYSELF I’M OPEN TO THE OBSERVER I’M OPEN TO CHANGE

Living in a city means sharing space and life with more people. While living in Shanghai, surviving everyday life is more important than anything else, and it is easy to lose myselfI feel as if the city itself is eating me up. In the project, I use myself as the test subject; I’m exploring my empathy in relation to others, living in a densely populated city. I go to Pune, Lagos and Istanbul to find out how the everyday life and surroundings affect my behavior. What do I lose and how does it happen?

I VISUALIZE MY EMOTIONS I VISUALIZE MY DATA I VISUALIZE MY STORY

Empathy is understood to be made out of several parts. Some explain it like a built in trait, to have the ability to reflect others, almost like a reflex- “to cry when others cry”. Others see it as the ability to “understand why others cry”, or to be able to read another person. I found it more interesting when it is described as the ability to not only understand but to “feel” and then do something about it, f.e: If you fall and cry, I put myself in your situation because I also fell once, then I act by helping you up.

I DON’T DO RESEARCH ON OTHERS I DON’T DO RESEARCH ON CULTURES I DON’T DO RESEARCH ON SITUATIONS

1

I am what they made me, a piece of skin cut in slices

I ONLY HAVE MY TIME I ONLY HAVE MY TRUTH I ONLY HAVE MY PERCEPTION

I FOLLOW RULES BEFORE THE TRIP I FOLLOW RULES DURING THE TRIP I FOLLOW RULES AFTER THE TRIP

I COLLECT EMOTIONS I COLLECT SOUNDS I COLLECT ROUTINES 2

I embody every characteristic that pain frames, so don’t be afraid of what I became…

For me empathy is not simply an ability or a trait, it is what makes me human. I don’t know why, but I always relate to my empathy as something strong, something that defines me more than the colour of my skin, my nationality or my gender. So when I realize that there is a possibility I can lose it, my search begins. Can I lose it? How does it happen? Why? And in that case, if I lose my empathy will I lose myself?


METOD

LÄGE

BY DUALISM

BY CHOICE

LOCATION

It is not the same thing to experience and to observe. If I do this experiment and only have my own version of it, it wouldn’t seem very different from just writing a diary or taking a selfie. I want to have two sides of the story. A very important strategy of the project is that I will have an observer following me. Through this strategy I am collecting a parallel observation based on facts as well as my own based on experience.

3

I am addicted to the mirror, because I am trying to see myself from beyond

SUBJECT (Patricia Aramburu): Using me as the starting point is a key part of the project. It’s easy for me to adapt and embrace other cultures. To expose myself to these trips as experiments are important not only for comparing how I change in the different cities, but to collect my own subjective experience, something that fact cannot contradict. OBSERVER (Natalia Aramburu): Using her as my observer is a very conscious choice in the project. She has a degree in behavioural science and sociology, but most importantly- she is my sister, and by having my sister as my observer I can cheat myself. I can’t escape I am open, honest and transparent. At the same time she can use her position as my interviewer to the maximum. Before and after the trips she will make big interviews. Every other day during the trips she will make smaller interviews.

PUNE: I have almost zero knowledge of India. I don’t know anyone from India. India is one of the largest countries in the world, and is part of Asia. In India I can communicate in English. It is an extremely diverse country, with vast differences in geography, climate, culture, language and ethnicity across its expanse. Pune’s population density is higher than Stockholm but lower than Shanghai. Pune is not one of the biggest tourist destinations in India. My professor has a connection that can offer me a place to work in Pune. Pune is located about a 2-3 hours drive south of Bombay. It is the second largest city in the state and is considered the state’s cultural capital. The large student population in the city makes for a lively nightlife and vibrant atmosphere. Attitudes in Pune are liberal, now it is a much more open-minded developed cosmopolitan city. Although Marathi is the official language of the city and also the most common language spoken on the streets, most people also speak Hindi and English.

Country: India City: Pune Official Language: Marathi Area Urban: ca. 710 km2 Population City: ca. 6,000,000

LAGOS: I have never been to Nigeria. I have almost zero knowledge of Nigeria. I don’t know anyone from Nigeria. Nigeria is part of Africa. In Nigeria some but not all people speak English. Nigeria is the most populated country in Africa. It is an extremely diverse country with more than 250 ethnic groups, varying languages and customs creating a country of rich ethnic diversity. Lagos population density is higher than Stockholm, and in fact one of the highest in the world. Lagos is not one of the biggest tourist destinations in Nigeria. Lagos is situated a 6-7 hours drive southwest from Abuja. It is largest city in the state, and formerly the capital of Nigeria. Lagos might become the third largest mega city in the world. There are over a dozen beaches in Lagos and it is a huge metropolis which originated on islands separated by creeks, and it has a history as a port city. The city is known for its music and nightlife, and has given birth to variety of musical styles. It is also the centre of the Nigerian movie industry.

Country: Nigeria City: Lagos Official Language: English Area: Urban 999.6 km2 Population City: ca. 12,000,000

ISTANBUL: I have almost zero knowledge of Turkey. I don’t know anyone from Turkey. Turkey is part of Europe. In Turkey some, but not all people speak English. Turkey has the most populated city in Europe. It is an extremely diverse country which has been influenced by various groups and cultures throughout history. Turkey’s location at the crossroads of Europe and Asia makes it a country of significant geostrategic importance. Turkish beaches act as popular tourist attractions for the rest of Europe. Istanbul’s population density is higher than Stockholm and one of the highest in the world. Istanbul is not the touristiest city in Turkey. Istanbul is 4-5 hours drive northwest from Ankara. It is the largest city in the country and considered to be one of the largest mega cities in the world. Istanbul is the economical, cultural and historical heart of Turkey. Istanbul is a transcontinental city, historically known as a cultural hub and artistic centre. Istanbul is primarily known for its architecture, the buildings reflect the various peoples and empires that have previously ruled the city.

Country: Turkey City: Istanbul Official Language: Turkish Area: Urban 5 343 km2 Population City: ca.14 000 000

4

Set up boundaries, I love to jump over them

METHOD


RIKTLINJER

GUIDELINES AS OPPORTUNITIES

ARTWORK PEOPLE DENSITY: I choose these three cities because of the density of their populations. I am interested in what impact the population density has in my everyday life and in me. By experience from Shanghai, I am curious to now see what and how I change, if I am constantly surrounded by a lot of people, what will it do to my routines?

ARTWORK

MIDDLE CLASS: My aim is to copy the life of a middle class person in the city I choose to visit. I find that the middle class is an interesting group in a community. I know that there is a lot of difference in this group as well, but I am interested in the existing similarities; to work, to study, to have enough to eat and live, to spend. This is also the societal group I am most familiar with. I was born, raised and currently am part of a middle class. If I should copy someone’s lifestyle, then I prefer to copy what I already understand.

PUNE observer and collect data from subject’s everydaylife

EVERYDAY LIFE: I decide to follow a schedule to find my own rhythm. I define everyday life as having work, questions and issues. In Sweden I work as an architect, and therefore I choose to copy the life of an architect in the cities I visit. To have a limited budget. To copy work and spare time routines. To experience the cities by these limitations.

ARTWORK

LAGOS observer and collect data from subject’s everydaylife

ARTWORK

ARTWORK ARTWORK

RECALL process collected material

ISTANBUL observer and collect data from subject’s everydaylife

TO LOSE MYSELF Art/research about empathy in the everyday life

PROCESS information and visial work

STOCKHOLM interview & observation

STOCKHOLM interview & observation

LAST INTERVIEW

5

2009-2011

2012 jan

2012 jul

STOCKHOLM interview & observation

CONCLUSION process material

LAST INTERVIEW

LAST INTERVIEW

2013 jan

I prefer the chaos in my mind and the order in my fingers

FIRST DISCUSSION

2013 jul

2014 jan

2014 jul

2015 jan

6


REGLER

RULES

TO FOLLOW HOME: I live like the person I copy does. It can be with extended family, alone, shared apartment etc.

OFF THE GRID: I choose to have limited contact with my partner at home. I don’t stay in touch with anyone else. No email, facebook, news, calls, messages etc.

SCHEDULE: I copy that person’s schedule; this will lead me to find my own schedule and everyday life rhythm.

QUESTIONS: I collect every day questions, to find a pattern of my adjustment. I write down questions that I ask other people every single day during my stay.

PEOPLE: I click once a week. I count how many people go in and pass by my personal space of 1 m radius.

ISSUES: I collect everyday issues to try to understand what the everyday life and its average issues are like. I collect issues that I experience myself, or that I hear or perceive from others around me.

INTERVIEWS: I do an interview every other day by video, chat or call. This is a way to collect and record my every day during the whole experiment. WALLET: I only spend the amount of money the person I am copying would, this includes food, living expenses, rent, transportation, free-time etc. To live by these limitations gives me a lot of great opportunities.

VISIT: On the last day I visit or revisit places that are of interest for the project.

EXCEPTION: On the first day I set up local internet and a mobile number, this is important for the documentation of the project, to be able to keep in touch with the observer. This is the only exception in my budget.

SOUNDS: I collect everyday sounds randomly and use this as a documentation method of the city.

THE CITY THROUGH PICTURES 7

THE CITY THROUGH FEELINGS

My diary is written by my colorful scars and blaring ignorance

CITY: On the last day I also make a composition of a picture that represents my everyday in the city.

PHOTOS: I only take photos when others do so. Photos are not a tool of documentation for this project. It is important for me that I experience the city and my everyday through other means than through photos.

8


Between all the fulfilled souls there is a reborn foul, between all the perfection coexists destruction


JAG HATAR ATT HATA ATT VARA KVINNA

my father does not let me stay out later then 9pm

EVERYDAY: I NEED TO BUY A SCARF INTERVIEW

ARRIVAL PUNE

interview

monday

tuesday

wednesday

2012.12.12

2012.12.12

2012.12.12

.

thursday 2012.12.12

the power in the kitchen is not strong enough to cook the food

interview

.

interview

.

interview

.

friday

saturday

sunday

monday

tuesday

wednesday

2012.12.12

2012.12.12

2012.12.12

2012.12.12

2012.12.12

2012.12.12

they sneak out to smoke need to wax, I look disgusting have not received my salary in the past months

interview

.

interview

.

interview

.

friday

saturday

sunday

monday

tuesday

wednesday

2012.12.12

2012.12.12

2012.12.12

2012.12.12

2012.12.12

2012.12.12

thursday 2012.12.12

the cleaning lady is not here yet, we need to go

my father will come if I don’t do as he says

they waited the whole day at the hospital

can’t wear this, it shows too much

.

thursday 2012.12.12

interview

.

friday

saturday

2012.12.12

2012.12.12

we can’t be alone, it is better to always be together  don’t know what to wear today

the cleaning lady does not do her work properly

need to have change, if not we will need to pay more

can’t come, I need to be at home

they are kids, they should not be working

my phone battery is low want to work but they don’t let me

can’t bring any vegetarian food in the house the washing machine does not function I am not free when you get married, then you are a woman

don’t have good mobile reception inside

need to cover my face so men don’t follow me

it is her parents that need to pay for the weeding I am not strong enough to open it as soon as I finish school I should get married

he does not get any change back

I am not allowed to choose my profession

the kids play to loud we can’t work the garbage collector did not come today, now the garbage is full of flies the police stops the otto to harass girls

the watching machine is broken

can’t come, it is too late... my father will not let me

the traffic is dangerous

a girl can’t be outside alone at night

she does not have her key, she forgot it at the office

My everyday life in Pune is full of random surprises on a loop of ordinary days that makes me feel like I have lost my sense of control. I feel like it is convenient to be in a group, and to depend on other people. As “women” we have unplanned structures in our way existing or moving through the city. A lot of the everyday issues in Pune are related to other people. If I arrange them in five groups they are: FOOD - Eating is always done in groups and is full of compromising.the cloth is not dry TRANSPORTATION - There is too much pollution, it is unsafe and random. MARRIAGE - There are several complications, to be or not be married. FEMALE - To adapt to and be aware of dangers and dependency. FAMILY - Family is a strong group that limits freedom. interview

.

interview

.

interview

.

interview

.

it is raining, but I don’t have an umbrella

the electricity is gone

can’t find any otto

interview

need to cover my face so they don’t harass me

.

interview

.

interview

DEPARTURE PUNE

INTERVIEW

my hair doesn’t grow fast enough sunday 2012.12.12

11

can’t never stop, the police harasses girls

need to work Saturday

she cancelled her engagement

can’t bring meat food here she doesn’t approve it

I am not allowed to hang out with guys

don’t receive my messages while I am inside

it is better if we go home together

the doctor never came, I need to go to the hospital tomorrow again

they only want to eat vegetarian food

the kids are playing inside the office we can’t concentrate she needs to get married soon

she is his girlfriend but the parents don’t approve

have too few fans

he is from another cast, but I want to marry him

need to go to the beauty salon

they got divorced, that is not good for the family

Every step you take I have taken, so every path you hike is forsaken

interview

the otto does not want to drive us home

he treats her better because they are the same cast

monday 2012.12.12

tuesday 2012.12.12

wednesday 2012.12.12

thursday 2012.12.12

friday

saturday

sunday

monday

tuesday

wednesday

2012.12.12

2012.12.12

2012.12.12

2012.12.12

2012.12.12

2012.12.12

thursday 2012.12.12

friday 2012.12.12

saturday 2012.12.12

sunday

monday

2012.12.12

2012.12.12

12

När jag pressas I skor av betong, härdas min hud till kartong

I HATE, TO HATE TO BE A WOMAN


MY FEET HAVE SCARS

JAG HATAR ATT HATA ATT VARA KVINNA

I HATE, TO HATE TO BE A WOMAN

ANSWERS: 1. No… it’s for pollution, and to avoid having men harass or stalk you. They can follow you, but if they can’t see your face then they don’t know what you look like.

EMOTIONS: I HAVE NEVER FELT MORE LIKE A WOMAN LESS joy interest surprise fear sadness irritation disgust anger joy interest surprise fear sadness irritation disgust anger joy interest surprise fear sadness irritation disgust anger joy interest surprise fear sadness irritation disgust anger joy interest surprise fear sadness irritation disgust anger 13

NEUTRAL

MORE

I can feel my emotions reach a dipping point week 3. There is a fear of men that I mirror from others, an irritation of having to adapt to a group, and an anger that I accumulate from not feeling free. This makes me break my rules. Week 3 finally I begin to exercise, and this helps me to finally work out my emotions and find my peace. I feel like I am me again. NOTICE: I choose to work with 8 emotions and compare the weekly change; neutral equals my emotional state at home. The emotions list is inspired by Silvan Tomkins affect theory, which talks about the connection of an affect and its biological response as a heritage that we are born with.

I shaved it all just to be free from my limitations, because I don’t care about your repulsion, I will not be braid into your assumptions!

WEEK 5

WEEK 4

WEEK 3

WEEK 2

WEEK 1

2. Why do you want to take the bus? We don’t take the bus. QUESTIONS: Why are they covering their faces, are they Muslim? Where can I take the bus? Why is the electricity gone? Do you eat alone? How are you going to boil the eggs? Why are you vegetarian? Are we there yet?

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday monday

3. To save energy and balance the amount of electricity.

Where can I buy a scarf to cover my face? Why are so many men hanging out on the streets? Do you know Kama sutra? Why are there so many people outside, it is 9pm? Why do they ring the bell? Why are there so many people dressed up tonight? Why are we sitting on the back row?

8 9 10 11 12 13 14

tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday monday

6. In my religion we don’t eat meat.

Why are the bikes on the other side of the street today? Can we go out to dance on a working day? Why is it safer for girls in Pune? Did they help you when you had the bike accident? Can you show me where it is on the map? What is that music, shouldn’t the movie start? Do people mind all the animals crossing the road?

15 16 17 18 19 20 21

tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday monday

Do your buildings have names? Did you cook this? Do you live with your family? What is that hanging upside down? How do you bake if you don’t have an oven? What do you put in your hair? Where are the garbage collectors and the maid?

22 23 24 25 26 27 28

tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday monday

Why doesn’t she eat? How can we make dahi? Why are so many people queuing for the bank? What is PUC? Do you know the address? Can we order food tonight? Where is my passport?

29 30 31 32 33 34 35

tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday monday

4. I do, but other people look at me strange. 5. In the boiling water machine of course.

7. Not, yet. 8. Here on this street, the one with the shops, at night. 9. What… Maybe its because baby girls are killed, so there is a bigger amount of men than women... But I have never noticed before. 10. Hahaha… No they don’t teach us that at school, some people don’t even know what the words mean, or have never seen the book. My first and only time I saw a Kama sutra drawing was in a temple. 11. It is normal; rush-hour is around 10am and 9pm. 12. When you enter a temple you do it with your five senses, to ring the bell is one. 13. Sunday is resting day, so the families eat outside, which means that the women don’t need to cook and can dress up. 14. These are the best seats; it’s more expensive to sit in the back row.

15. It’s better, It’s so that the shops can have free space every other day. The parking space shifts depending on the day; you can read it on the sign. It’s fair.

30. We will call mom and ask, very easy.

16. Yes of course, and it is cheaper tonight because it is girl’s night.

32. It is a pollution control stand that control that vehicles do not give too much pollution.

17. It’s a Student city with a more educated middle class. But other cities like Delhi are very dangerous for girls. 18. They pretended to help me, but as soon as someone was there, all the others left. 19. I don’t know, I have never searched for it on a map, this is the first time. 20. They are playing the national song, it is normal in the cinema, that’s why some people stand up. 21. No, they also have the right to be here. 22. Yes! Your buildings don’t? Then how do you find your buildings? Hahaha. 23. I cannot cook, my mother did. 24. Yes I do, with my extended family. We are 25 people in our house. 25. It protects and keeps the evil away, lemons too. 26. I do it in a pot. 27. It’s a combination of five oils, I do it at least once a month. 28. It’s “Nag panchami” the snake holiday, a lot of people take the day off. 29. People sometimes do not eat for religious reasons like Ramadan, a gift to the goods, making a wish come true or because is hot during July and that makes the meat go bad.

31. Students need to pay their fees, and a lot of people always do it last minute.

MY FEET SURVIVE

33. I don’t. MY FEET DON’T REST

34. Yes, but we don’t need to go out. 35. Oh my god!!! You forgot it in the safe in my room. I WILL NEVER FORGET: the elephant my roommate the goats my feet the friendship my yellow scarf the stare my clothes the pollution my breakfast the meals my shoes the architecture my irritation the office my jumping rope the stairs my dependency on others the timber seats my body hair the rain my mosquito bites the little girl my space the traffic my skin the men my sensibility the colours my childhood

MY FEET HAVE MILES

MY FEET EXIST

MY FEET ARE STRONG MY FEET BELONG

MY FEET ARE BEUTIFUL MY FEET RUN

MY FEET HAVE CHANGED MY FEET DON’T CRY

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JAG HATAR ATT HATA ATT VARA KVINNA

I HATE, TO HATE TO BE A WOMAN

Jag 채r som tuggummi, all skit fastnar

QUOTES: IT STARTS TO GO OVER MY LIMIT

15

16


JAG HATAR ATT HATA ATT VARA KVINNA

I HATE, TO HATE TO BE A WOMAN

ÄT CHILIPEPPAR!

EXPLOSION: THE SKIN I WEAR

VA SEXIG! NJUT AV EN SIESTA! GÖM KNIVEN I RESVÄSKAN!

797 PEOPLE ENTER MY PERSONAL SPACE THE 2012.07.04

748 PEOPLE ENTER MY PERSONAL SPACE THE 2012.07.10

PROMENERA PÅ NK! 1193 PEOPLE ENTER MY PERSONAL SPACE THE 2012.07.17

...on the backside of the package of a skin ligther cream, I see a skin color scheme

I want to know how to fall deep away from every random need

PUNE

893 PEOPLE ENTER MY PERSONAL SPACE THE 2012.06.30 17

Exercising becomes my strategy to use my body as a tool to cleanse my mind. From week 3 I begin to exercise to at least get to have some activity and time by myself. I AM WE I am constantly surrounded by people (people I know, or strangers). Every day I do all my spare time activities together with others. I don’t sleep or eat by myself.

975 PEOPLE ENTER MY PERSONAL SPACE THE 2012.07.27

SNO EN IPHONE! ....at the end of the summer 2012, colored bracelets are found around in Stockholm

...at ung08fstivalen we collect “everyday racist phrases” that youngsters hear or experience

HA STOR SNOPP!

STOCKHOLM

My first impression of Pune is that a lot of different cultures and religions are living together in great tolerance and understanding. At the same time I feel as if that “the look” is a way to define others and yourself. After coming home, with a lot of questions inside, an art project starts to grow and is shown at the Husby festival august 2012. H.U.D (Humor Uppror Debatt/Humor Uprising Debate): Who am I when you don’t point me out? A bracelet with different skin tones works as a guide and reveals racist positions in Swedish daily life. Your gender, age and skin colour determine which roads you are expected to take and where you spend your time. But what happens to all those of us that don’t fit the expectations?

http://aramburu.se/art/hud.html

18


JAG HATAR ATT HATA ATT VARA KVINNA

I HATE, TO HATE TO BE A WOMAN

...count us until you fall asleep... ...we also need to cross the road...

PERCEPTION: PERSONAL SPACE AND TIME

24h

24h

24h

...no need to rush, time can’t be caught...

24h

... we have the rigth to exist in the city like everyone else...

In Sweden, I’ve got a very flexible schedule. Activities are repeated every day but at different times. The important thing is that I have control over my own time. I choose when I want to socialize with others, and under what circumstances. I grew up with the idea that one must be three people to be a group, and this is also the group form I feel most comfortable with.

3h alone

0h alone

12h alone (

10h alone

13h with group of max 3

13h group of max 3

2h group of max 3

5h group of max 3

8h group of min 4

11h group of min 4

10h group of min 4

19

sleep . 2 people sleep . 2 people sleep . 2 people sleep . 2 people sleep . 2 people sleep . 2 people EAT/SLEEP. 2 PEOPLE EXERCISE . 1 PEOPLE TRANSP . 1 PEOPLE work . 4-12 people work . 4-12 people eat . 4-8 people work . 4-12 people work . 4-12 people work . 4-12 people work . 4-12 people work . 1 people SPARE TIME . 1 PEOPLE EXERCISE . 2 PEOPLE TRANSP/EAT . 2 PEOPLE home . 2 people home . 2 people home . 2 people sleep . 2 people STOCKHOLM

sleep . 2-3 people sleep . 2-3 people sleep . 2-3 people sleep . 2-3 people sleep . 2-3 people sleep . 2-3 people sleep . 2-3 people sleep . 2-3 people EAT . 2-3 PEOPLE TRANSPORT . 2-3 PEOPLE work . 8-12 people work . 8-12 people work . 8-12 people EAT . 3-6 PEOPLE work . 8-20 people work . 8-20 people work . 8-20 people work . 8-20 people TRANSPORT . 2-3 PEOPLE SPARE TIME . 3-6 PEOPLE EAT . 2-3 PEOPLE home . 3-6 people home . 3-6 people sleep . 2-3 people PUNE

sleep . 1 people sleep . 1 people sleep . 1 people sleep . 1 people sleep . 1 people sleep . 1 people EXERCISE/EAT . 1 PEOPLE TRANSPORT . 2-3 PEOPLE work . 8-12 people work . 8-12 people work . 8-12 people work . 8-12 people EAT . 1 PEOPLE work . 8-12 people work . 8-12 people work . 8-12 people work . 8-12 people work . 8-12 people work . 8-12 people TRANSPORT . 2 PEOPLE EXERCISE/EAT . 1 PEOPLE home . 1 people home . 1 people sleep . 1 people LAGOS

... I have 134 cousins...

9h group of min 4 sleep . 1 people sleep . 1 people sleep . 1 people sleep . 1 people sleep . 1 people sleep . 1 people sleep . 1 people sleep . 1 people TRANSPORT/EAT . 1 PEOPLE work . 4-6 people work . 4-6 people work . 4-6 people EAT . 4-8 PEOPLE work . 4-6 people work . 4-6 people work . 4-6 people work . 4-6 people work . 4-6 people TRANSPORT . 1 PEOPLE EAT . 1-3 PEOPLE SPARE TIME. 1-3 PEOPLE SPARE TIME . 1-3 PEOPLE home . 1-3 people home . 1-3 people ISTANBUL

... Here people and vehicles are more like a big puzzle, but they never collide or touch each other. It’s like a very organized chaos! I was close to get run over three times this week but I feel relaxed... Because it feels like there is a structure underneath, maybe I don’t understand it, but I can feel it. I enjoy travelling to and from work, but it is still difficult to breathe, all the pollution is like a black fog, and the sound pollution is terrible. Pune is like triangles in a masala sauce, where the masala adds the distance in between. It feels as if I have always lived here, I don’t even think about the fact that I’m here, I just am. I must be so relaxed, that I don’t notice until after a week that they drive on the left. And it doesn’t matter if they drive on the left, on the right, back or forward, you can’t trust any rules by thinking here anyway, it’s better to just feel it. Everyone is very open and nice, ready to help and understand, even if they have just met me and I can see that it comes from a sincere gesture. It’s also a little confusing- this relaxed behaviour often leaves me in a situation where I’m wondering what is happening around me, but even if I ask sometimes, people don’t even know themselves. I can understand the need of this behaviour, when I cross the road I have to go slow, it’s the only way to be able to cross, I do not need to think but I need to be slow and then somehow I become a

Your perception is that I am slow; my reality is that I move

01:00 02:00 03:00 04:00 05:00 06:00 07:00 08:00 09:00 10:00 11:00 12:00 13:00 14:00 15:00 16:00 17:00 18:00 19:00 20:00 21:00 22:00 23:00 00:00

piece in the puzzle, and I follow the invisible flow. I can see that in Pune, you work to live but you do not live for work. Time passes by hanging out at work or after work, and we do not talk about work... We talk about food, cooking, family, songs, movies or people at work etc. You can even see it in the animals! The dogs are relaxed sleeping in the middle of the road in the middle of the day. All the other animals, cows, chicken, goats, camels are loose... Even the elephant I saw was walking slowly in the middle of the road. The other day we passed by a group of 100-150 goats in the middle of the street, they were crossing slowly with one man guiding them, and I asked: Do people mind all the animals crossing the road? And she answered: No! They also have the right to cross the road. That answer made me understand not only the attitude towards animals as equal beings but also that situations like this shape you to embrace time and not rush behind it.

20


JAG HATAR ATT HATA ATT VARA KVINNA

I HATE, TO HATE TO BE A WOMAN

...To always be in groups is sometimes a little too much for me, and I have a difficult time understanding the time and energy wasted of us having to depend on each other. Instead of going straight from A-B, we go in a spiral between A-F-E-K-X-B. To always have people around me to consider and adjust to, makes me feel like I am losing something precious... What I call freedom, the lack of time for myself, makes me more sensitive, and its easier to lose control and difficult to handle my irritation. Somehow I can even feel it physically, so my only rescue is to work out! At the same time I know that I would not survive a single day without these social relationships, I need them not only for favours, help or safety, but just for being. Somehow I have learned to enjoy it from walking, talking, commuting, singing, listening, working, shopping and specially eating. To eat in India has been one of my favourite things- always together and sharing. I enjoy when we eat and I feel like I become the maximum of me. My last day I understand how important, humble and exceptional my inner circle in India has been, and how I will probably never find this again... When the bus stops and we arrive in Mumbai, I realize that I have left my passport at home in Pune. I can’t believe it. There’s only 9 hours left before my flight departs to Sweden, and we have already travelled for 3 hours on a bus from Pune to Mumbai. But this is the thing about India; you have a big inner circle composed by family, relatives, people from school and work, friends of friends and neighbours and to them you give all your energy and help, you give 200%. So after calling and organizing:

there is always a minimum distance between girls, something that seems to lack between men. I can see men with their arms around each other when they are on their bikes, touching the legs outside or inside or holding in the waist of the guy in front. So men hang out a lot! Close and in big groups and that’s ok, but not when they are staring, then it becomes uncomfortable and irritating, and it makes me really angry. The men are always staring; there is no respect at all! It could be that I look different, but everybody says I look like an Indian girl so in the end that couldn’t be it. It even happened at work, I confronted a guy at work and said: why are you staring at me, do you want to ask me something? In a restaurant when I was there eating, a man was looking so I got angry and gave him a sign with my hand. I know my actions are very impulsive but I just don’t understand the starring! I asked the girls and they confirmed that men stare a lot, and that is one of the reasons why girls cover their faces her in Pune when out walking or driving. It is to avoid not only the staring, but the consequence of men following you. I have never been around girls as intensively as in Pune. I enjoyed the time of talking, rattling and becoming an Indian woman. Maybe I define myself as the others see me? I dress and take care of myself in a different way here, as a woman? Something that I have never done before in Sweden. I define myself by acting the opposite of the group I do not wanted to be part of- in these case the men! And by them staring at me and defining me as a woman that way, my feeling becomes even stronger- I have never felt more like a WOMAN then in Pune. 21

1. Mother gave us our neighbour’s phone number. 2. Neighbour took the passport from our room to her home. 3. A new friend picked up the passport from our neighbour and went to the bus station and gave the passport to give it to another friend. 4. A friend of a friend took the passport and gave it to us in Mumbai five hours later. She had already planned to travel to Mumbai that day so it was very convenient for us. I need to point out that the people that helped were not super close friends or familythey were people we saw few times or were becoming friends with, and they did not know each other. But still they gave their time and energy to help us. This would never happen in Sweden! It’s not that I would never help if somebody asked me... It’s more that nobody would ask for such a favour. Your inner circle is a very small circle of people, maybe your best friend, sister or partner- and you give 75%. After India, I still feel the necessity to give, because somehow even though it’s not in my egocentric nature, to GIVE became a part of me.

My emotions are the bones that carry my skin

... There’s a lot of men hanging out, I don’t know if it is in general or only on the streets. It feels like they are hanging out with each other but I do not know, maybe they do not know each other at all? But they look like clans, big groups of 20 men or maybe smaller groups of 6 that together become big groups. Maybe it’s because the girls spend more time at home? If only you could see it! One guy came into the office, and now there are 4 guys here, and they are sitting there very close together. They are sitting super near each other and just “are”, they are sitting so close talking and laughing, like couples would in Sweden. At the office we are very relaxed and all hang out together, but I don’t see this closeness between the girls, only between the guys. They are sitting so close that I am waiting for them to hug soon. Us girls are more in mini groups of 2-4. I never see a girl alone, I have only seen older women, 60+ walking alone. In general girls are never fewer than 2. I don’t understand if this is because of comfort, for budget or for safety reasons? But even if we are always around each other and close by, it always feels comfortable. We don’t disturb each other even when sleeping in the same bed, and

I am still what I am and I refuse to change because what is the meaning of life that is not insane

STORIES: MEN AND SOCIAL NETWORK

22


JAG HATAR ATT HATA ATT VARA KVINNA

I HATE, TO HATE TO BE A WOMAN NOTES BY NATALIA ARAMBURU: SHE IS INFLUENCE KEYWORDS

WEEK 5

WEEK 4

WEEK 3

WEEK 2

WEEK 1

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35

tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday monday

feell like woman (gender) don’t hear any noise

we-group feeling adapt through clothing lack to be alone found everyday routine we-group feeling femininity (gender) unconscious influence. must be alone sarcasm and irritation walk slowly, stare, don’t presents herself tired and emotional tired we-group feeling use nickname talks about other people realize that she changed (unaware) do not want to adapt more need to exercise truant give up accepted her existence less sarcasm begin to write

HER BODY

HER MOOD

HER BEHAVIOR

Headache Muscle tension or pain Fatigue Upset stomach Sleep problems

Anxiety Restlessness Lack of motivation or focus Irritability or anger Sadness or depression

OVEREATING OR UNDEREATING Angry outbursts väldig entusiastisk med mat Drug or alcohol abuse Tobacco use Social withdrawal

Headache Muscle tension or pain Fatigue Upset stomach Sleep problems

Anxiety Restlessness Lack of motivation or focus Irritability or anger Sadness or depression

Overeating or undereating Angry outbursts Drug or alcohol abuse Tobacco use Social withdrawal

Headache MUSCLE TENSION OR PAIN FATIGUE behov av träning Upset stomach Sleep problems

ANXIETY Restlessness Lack of motivation or focus IRRITABILITY OR ANGER Sadness or depression

Overeating or undereating ANGRY OUTBURSTS Drug or alcohol abuse Tobacco use SOCIAL WITHDRAWAL

Headache MUSCLE TENSION OR PAIN FATIGUE UPSET STOMACH åt något dåligt Sleep problems

ANXIETY Restlessness LACK OF MOTIVATION OR FOCUS IRRITABILITY OR ANGER Sadness or depression flera små utbrott

Overeating or undereating ANGRY OUTBURSTS Drug or alcohol abuse Tobacco use SOCIAL WITHDRAWAL

Headache MUSCLE TENSION OR PAIN Fatigue UPSET STOMACH Sleep problems

Anxiety Restlessness Lack of motivation or focus Irritability or anger Sadness or depression

OVEREATING OR UNDEREATING Angry outbursts får avsmak för maten Drug or alcohol abuse Tobacco use Social withdrawal

känner sig inte fri

WEEK 1: She starts changing and already after a few days she starts adapting to her role as a woman in India, and to how she is supposed to stay away from men. She does this even though it isn’t something that originally comes from her own fear, rather something she hears from other females around her, she starts taking on other peoples unspoken fear of the men. She hangs out with, sleeps, eats and transports herself together with other women from day one. WEEK 2: She thinks a lot about why men are staring at her so much. If she wears her normal clothing people stare even more. She tries to look for explanations such as if its because she is whiter or taller. Even though she has only been there a couple of days she starts referring to herself as a woman, which she doesn’t do in Sweden. The fact that men stare at her annoys her but she still acts like herself since she tells people off, something she would also do at home in Sweden as well. WEEK 3: She is very irritated with other people. She is o irritated that she gets upset even from the interview questions themselves. Most of all she is irritated by the fact that she doesn’t have any time to herself. She laughs at the fact that she doesn’t accept certain things but she doesn’t want to say it out loud. On top of this there is a lot of sarcasm in her comments. The sarcasm is her way of showing her disapproval where she doesn’t feel like she can be honest. Sarcasm is a Swedish way of handling conflict.

REFLECTION She is wondering about the culture She is more aware of her femininity She answers questions she doesn’t want to answer to, Is she nicer or more sensible than normally? She uses sarcasm to not be to negative, is it a survival strategy? She is physically tired, irritated and in physical pain She is craving her own space but knows that she can’t have it She thinks more about herself as a woman, does that make her act more feminine? She has to be part of us-notion. She likes to be part of a group, but has a hard time handling the “us” and “them” notion in the long term

NOTE EXPERIENCE: She was affected for the period she was there; when she came back she quickly went back to being her “normal” self CHANGE: She changed as a person, physically and mentally, and became more of “a woman” BELONGING: She was part of a group and did everything to be part of it; to be excluded from the group could be equal to danger VIEW: She saw herself much more as “a woman” and acted the part expected of her as such EXAMINATION: Questioning structures, society, gender roles and group divides

WEEK 4: She has become part of the group; she doesn’t present herself anymore, and has started staring at others. She gives people nicknames and has started gossiping at the office, something that happens regularly at the office. That she starts doing this now in the fourth week also means that she hasn’t been part of it before, but now she contributes and spreads the gossip. Gossiping is a sign of community, and is part of making closer connections, and since she does this within the group but also to me, who is outside of it and her “second group”, shows that she sees them as her group now. She calls in sick one day, she is tired and it has started to show physically. It doesn’t seem as if her physical needs have changed, she still needs to eat and exercise. Her body needs the exercise, but she also seems to need it for her mental well being and to work through the frustration she is experiencing not having her own time. She is starting to get tired of the Indian cuisine, which she normally loves. WEEK 5: There is slightly less sarcasm. She doesn’t seem as tired. Maybe a bit bored. She seems to have accepted her place.

source: stress symptoms (1998-2014 Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research) 23

24


25

26


JAG HATAR ATT HATA ATT VARA KVINNA

I HATE, TO HATE TO BE A WOMAN

RESOLUTION: I AM WHAT THEY ARE NOT

Mina ordsulor är redo att trampa ner ditt hat

12.06.26-12.07.30 I was in Pune, India, where I lived, worked and experienced an everyday life full of people, meals and surprises. I learned to embrace myself as a woman. Contrary all the debate about violence against women in India, I didn’t experience any open violence in Pune. During this time I wasn’t in Stockholm, Sweden anymore, where I usually live and work. In my neighbourhood in Stockholm, three brutal crimes occurred in my absence. In the end, there is no way of knowing what would have happened to me if I had stayed in Stockholm either.

I hate to hate to be a woman to be reminded every second the lack of respect that I received from a big percent of the population I hate to hate to be a woman to be the victim of your ignorance but don’t expect me to have tolerance because every single crime has a cost I hate to hate to be a woman to be constantly mislead to be inferior when you know that I am the warrior capable of creating or destroying your world I hate to hate to be a woman to have the patience to go beyond but my skin is made of reflecting diamonds so don’t expect forgiveness, only war!

Vad hade hänt mig om jag hade varit kvar i Stockholm? Har letat efter fysiskt, psykiskt och sexuellt våld mot kvinnor i det offentliga rummet på dem platserna i Stockholm där jag då bodde, jobbade och umgicks. Hittade tre fall på olika platser i Stockholm som skedde under den perioden jag befann mig i Pune. 27

28


29

30


he abuse me,can not leave what would people say have done everything right but it is not enough

JAG VAR SOM LUFT, SOM OM JAG INTE FANNS

EVERYDAY: THE CITY DEMANDS A LOT OF ME

can get in to my room, I forgot key at the office

we are stuck in traffic

it is too hot

the tv credits are finished, I need to buy more

need to work overtime I will miss a birthday party the room is stuffy

the government steals money from our country

can not tell that client that we are not interested

the electricity is gone cars break in the middle of the road

pretend that I don’t know that he is unfaithful

want to swim but the current is too strong

need to married anyone soon, I am over 30

need to wash my hair

the windows software we bought legal... is illegal??!!

people are parking by the road

will not get change back, I dont have change! need to charge, my battery is empty

all politicians are corrupted!

to much food, no space in the freezer

I am a man, I need to pay even if a don’t like it

tuesday 2013.02.05

interview monday sunday

2013.01.27

2013.02.03

.

saturday

.

2013.01.26

INTERVIEW

ARRIVAL LAGOS

interview he is unfaithful but my mon says I can not leave him

friday . saturday .

saturday 2013.02.16

2013.02.23

tuesday 2013.01.29

.

wednesday 2013.02.06

wednesday

thursday

.

wednesday

thursday

2013.01.30

2013.02.14

.

interview

2013.01.23

2013.01.24

.

interview

saturday

friday

2013.02.09

2013.02.01

interview

2013.02.19

2013.01.22

interview

. my property can be sold without me knowing it

saturday

.

interview

2013.01.25

2013.02.02

DEPARTURE INTERVIEW LAGOS

2013.01.21

tuesday

2013.02.17

no internet

tuesday

interview

interview

interview

sunday

2013.02.13

interview

monday

sunday 2013.02.10

wednesday

2013.01.28

sunday

interview

have a deadline, can not get home

if people know my age they will treat me unfairly

.

.

.

no space to turn the car

teach me how to survive not multiplication tables

2013.02.18

2013.02.12

monday

the driver is gone, I cant get home

I am a woman, I need to cook even if I will not eat

monday

2013.02.04

is Monday I need to wear something professional

can’t eat, I have teeth problem

interview tuesday

Du tränger dig in I min mage som en kniv, och som en trasa klämmer kroppen tårar av mitt liv

need to have seatbelt on, to avoid police abuse

have my own gym but do not have time to use it

monday 2013.02.11

need to have a social network to survive

need to drive two hours to and from work

Jag är hård som havets yta, slå mot mig så går du i bitar

get disturbed at work when family calls me with issues

the internet credits are finished, I need to buy more

the phone credits are finish, I need to buy more

always someone in the family who needs economic help

my cousin has sold my passport

31

need to work overtime I will miss the football game

the home help is bad, I need to find a new one

our president is an idiot

the generator does not work

I am tired and it is only Wednesday

hope to be home before 10pm

BRIDGE - traffic danger, armed robbery, car snatchers, barriers, home TIME - dependency on work and transportation, lack of time for meals TRANSPORTATION - not the distance, but the time it takes ELECTRICITY - connecting and disconnecting, there’s a need for generators OTHERS - a continuous fear of harm from others

have to make new clothes for the wedding party

need to be carefull for places with areaboys

they say they never have change to take more money

My everyday in Lagos is a continuous string of ordinary days that makes me lose my sense of time. I feel the need for structure and routine. To avoid the sense of danger, nothing extraordinary happens. My everyday issues in Lagos are generally nothing I can fix, I am powerless. If I arrange them into five groups they are:

there is no water

other cars are blocking my car from exit

What I saw I keep… Because what I felt is deep

I WAS LIKE AIR, AS IF I DID NOT EXIST

wednesday thursday

thursday

2013.01.31

2013.02.07

.

interview

2013.02.20

.

have education, work and family, but I am still unhappy

friday

interview is too cold in the car

friday people can kidnapp me any time

I am young so I can not answer even if I want

2013.02.15

interview

2013.02.08

. need to help, cannot say no without a good reason

thursday

people are driving against the traffic

2013.02.21

interview friday 2013.02.22

.

32


I WAS LIKE AIR, AS IF I DID NOT EXIST

SPOKEN WORD: WORD WARRIOR

I am what you see and beyond because I don’t have innocent to hide behind my skin has dried into a titan shield ready to attack so I will fuck you with my words or silence whatever makes you crack

I passed by you I saw the cold, I felt the concrete, and I could smell the highway

I passed by you and even when my hello… is nothing your hi back to me… is everything

No one understands me but I am proud of my hate, because it is the only tool that has sculptured my fate. I believe that the truth is nothing to regret, so why would I keep my scar as a secret?

1411271325

Nobody is prepared for horror but why should I care? My words hack the streets with hate and fresh air. I have nobody to scratch because the bastard-trash is dead, so I use my talent to reshape every single path ahead.

Jag föddes fri, men ändå lever jag bakom galler av krav och plagg som lindar mig i asfalt och konsumtion så att det går att sätta mig i rätt fack Jag föddes fri, men vad spelar det för roll när andra är fängslade i terror och även när jag vill öppna mitt hem för en främling tillåts vi inte korsa över påhittade gränser

Someone will recognize my anger and walk my ground, distraction can be a hinder but listen to my sound. To share my story makes my skin feel less and less censured. I need you to hear it, as if the echo gives me a cure.

Jag föddes fri, men ändå hatar jag den friheten jag luras ha där jag tillåts ha kärlek men bara det är rätt kön när jag har möjlighet att gå ut men bara vissa tider på dygnet

1302081740

Jag minns, därför är jag fången Jag minns, för jag är tvungen Jag minns, och det är inte sista gången Jag minns, även om det nekas Jag minns, för i kaklet det ekar Jag minns, och det går inte att bleka Jag minns, då det har lyft mina steg Jag minns, för det var därför jag teg Jag minns, och det är ett framsteg 33

I am what they made me the egocentric water that will carry or sink you and as the superficial fool I pretend to be and maintain I am what I want! Proud to be the one that constantly remain

I passed by you you were sleeping under my bridge, I temporary ignored your suffering

Everybody ignores the past expecting me to be quiet, but fuck their reputation, they should all prepare for riot! I feel sorry for them, such cowards without voices. They are all to blame! I am mad as hell so accept my choice!

1409130113

My feelings can’t be mass-produced

I am what they made me a piece of skin cut into slices you think, it is the hand that made the cut that damaged me but it is all them that let me bleed in wonder that disappointed me

JAG VAR SOM LUFT, SOM OM JAG INTE FANNS

Jag föddes fri men jag är trött på slösa tid och materia i en ny garderob, i ett samhälle byggt för att spelas om och om igen, där jag inte medges att skapa min egen sorg Jag föddes fri men jag vägrar att förminskas till en perfekt kropp och med bar hud ska jag förflytta mig genom land och hav så sätt upp gränser för jag älskar att hoppa över dem! 1409112335

I walk as if I am running; never jump, only trample. I dance into the sound; always keep what I found. …and even when I am crawling, I see the problems as below me, because nothing can bring me down, not even the scars on me feet. I walk as if I am flying; never glide, always trample. I jump into the gorge, always keeping the urge. …and even when I am falling, the scars are beneath my skin. I know anything can hurt me, but my hunger keeps me free. 1411082155

1312061101

Det är en lyx att nå kanten för när jag hoppar förlorar jag allt, även stygnen från min hud skakas av och faller som metall... ...men jag behåller min penna för att rista i min hand Det är en frihet att vara fången för det ger mig möjlighet att inse, hur min ego inte behöver den för att behålla det jag inte ser ... ...att jag har orden som min gåva och horisonten som mitt land 141215 2340 34


MY EYES SEE JAG VAR SOM LUFT, SOM OM JAG INTE FANNS

Why are there so many pieces of wood floating in the water? For how long do you travel to get home? Why did you fire her? Would you take the bus there? Are all those fences really necessary? Who has gone to eat all those cakes? Why don’t you swim?

8 9 10 11 12 13 14

monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday

Why don’t people turn off the light when they go to sleep? Why is he watching TV in the middle of the road? Are you not coming tomorrow? Why does it say not for sale? It is nearby, can’t we walk? Why do you say that you are sorry, if it is not your fault? Did you see the football game?

15 16 17 18 19 20 21

monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday

What do you think it means for Nigerians to have won? Do you have your own room? Are you tired? Why have you gone to pick up a cake? Did you eat lunch? Do you need to stay and work overtime? Have you had lunch yet? MY EYES CRY How was your night? Do you eat at “The white house”? Do you need help? Did you receive my message? What time do I need to leave, so I get there on time? What time did you have to wake up?

22 23 24 25 26 27 28

monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday

29 30 31 32 33 34

monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday

MY EYES ARE YOURS

35

4. The housing situation in Lagos is hard. There is a high demand, and unmarried women don’t get apartments, so you need to lie and go with your fake husband, lucky for us the landlord doesn’t live here.

14. It is too dangerous the current is strong, people die.

5. Now day three, you need to have children, life is tough in Lagos and you need someone to take care of you.

16. It is Lagos, people do everything in the middle of the road, maybe they found electricity for free there.

6. It is the last Saturday in every month between 7-10 am. No one is allowed to drive on the roads.

17. No, I have a lecture at my university.

7. From 7-9 am 8. They bring it from the countryside, and store it down here on the water, until it’s ready to be sold. 9. I drive 1-2 hours. 10. She was a really bad maid, I don’t like those kinds of people. 11. No! No woman or man will go there at night, it’s dangerous! Other people that know the area better can be waiting for you.

MY EYES IGNORE

13. It’s her birthday so I am doing a surprise party, birthdays are important to celebrate with family and friends.

12. Well yes, they came and robbed my cousins house, luckily they robbed the first floor which was another apartment. My friend that lives 4 houses from yours- they came at night and robbed him.

19. No the sun is high so it is too hot. 20. I feel sad for you, when the internet is down, when you hit your foot or when it’s too hot. 21. No, I have gone to watch the replay now. 22. It means a lot, there are so many bad things going on, but now people can be happy and proud, it was 19 years ago, the last time we won. 23. Yes of course. 24. Yes I have a deadline tomorrow. 25. It is San Valentine, so he has to order a cake for his wife but he doesn’t have time so I am helping him to pick it up.

MY EYES ARE PAIN

joy interest surprise fear sadness irritation disgust anger joy interest surprise fear sadness irritation disgust anger joy interest surprise fear sadness irritation disgust anger joy interest surprise fear sadness irritation disgust anger

29. Tiring, just when to sleep. 30. No, if I eat there I usually get bad

15. They probably have kids, and they wake up at night scared and scream if it is too dark. I did that when I was a kid.

18. If a property is without people living in it, other people will try to sell it, but if it says not for sale buyers can see that it is a fraud.

WEEK 1

28. Yes I have.

WEEK 2

monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday

3. Several times a year.

27. Yes and I am missing a birthday party, here in Lagos there is a party every week from Thursday to Sunday.

WEEK 3

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

2. No, she is the wife, here the man pays for the house and the wife decides.

and have to run to the bathroom a lot, so I just take some bisques and eat later at home. 31. Just if you aren’t busy, I have a new project that we can sketch together. 32. Yes I did, but the telephones lines where very bad yesterday so I couldn’t contact you back. 33. The driver needs to come back before the environmental begins... So around 6 am. 34. Early, to drive my brothers in law.

LESS joy interest surprise fear sadness irritation disgust anger

WEEK 4

QUESTIONS: Why 30 days, I have a 90 days visa? Is she the engineer? How many times have you gotten malaria? Is it difficult to get an apartment here? How many children per family is the average? What is environmental day? What time is church?

If my security depends on my freedom then I prefer to fall than to be captured

EMOTIONS: I HAVE NEVER FELT MORE WHITE

I WILL NEVER FORGET: the geckos my eyes the electricity my survival the internet my happiness the walls my pass the darkness my laugh the plantain my lunch the eggs my weakness MY EYES ARE TIRED the stew my debility the car my frustration the traffic my anger the danger my power the humour my freedom the human power my arrogance the friendship my skin the chair my vulnerability

26. No I have a problem with my tooth.

WEEK 5

I WAS LIKE AIR, AS IF I DID NOT EXIST

ANSWER: 1. He can give you 30 days, or 1 day if he wants.

NEUTRAL

MORE

MY EYES ARE OLD MY EYES REFLECT

MY EYES FEEL

I feel that my emotions increase and get deeper. The fears others have for my safety is not my biggest concern. Everyday life here creates a lot of empathy in me; I feel not only that I can understand, but that I can carry the suffering of others. These feelings create anger as well as they empower me. It is difficult to explain, but Lagos for me is happiness somehow in the pain, I enjoy every little thing and I feel as if I am 1000 times stronger. NOTICE: I choose to work with 8 emotions and see the weekly change; neutral equals my emotional state at home. The emotions list is inspired by Silvan Tomkins affect theory, which talks about the connection of an affect and its biological response as a heritage that we are born with.

MY EYES ARE OPEN

36 MY EYES REFLECT


I keep crawling into your layers, deeply falling into your thoughts, I keep holding into every emotion, hanging extremely and without control

JAG VAR SOM LUFT, SOM OM JAG INTE FANNS

QUOTES: THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG

I WAS LIKE AIR, AS IF I DID NOT EXIST

37 38


JAG VAR SOM LUFT, SOM OM JAG INTE FANNS

I WAS LIKE AIR, AS IF I DID NOT EXIST

EXPLOSION: MY VOICE WILL REACH YOU

293 PEOPLE ENTER MY PERSONAL SPACE THE 2013-02.12

I don’t like to eat by myself if is not my own choice. The first week I have difficulties to understand how, when and what to eat so I eat very little. The second week I understand when to eat, but still not what and how, so I eat very little. Finally, my need to eat is bigger than my obsession of eating together with others, so week 3 I at last begin to eat whatever I find, when, and how I want to. From week 4 I have almost three meals per day and I enjoy the food. I AM BY MYSELF I am usually not around strangers. Sometimes I do spare time activities with others. I sleep and eat by myself.

312 PEOPLE ENTER MY PERSONAL SPACE THE 2013-01.31

39

469 PEOPLE ENTER MY PERSONAL SPACE THE 2013-02.20

Cuts are getting deeper sculpturing my skin in black, tears are getting sweeter shaping my soul to attack

405 PEOPLE ENTER MY PERSONAL SPACE THE 2013.01.25 346 PEOPLE ENTER MY PERSONAL SPACE THE 2013-02.06

My direct impression of Lagos is that the people here are survivors, and that no rock is big enough to stop a laugh. I am impressed with all the different expressions of art, from music and sculpture to spoken word. With a very strong inner echo, an art project starts to grow. It is performed in Haninge Centrum in May 2013. ILSKA (anger): How long is my anger? My feeling cannot be mass-produced! I want to start from an immaterial feeling and let it become material through drawing. The performance piece becomes a manifestation of my anger on a 400 m long paper, containing 678 words, 2770 letters, 668 spaces, 68 rows and 15 paragraphs. More information http://aramburu.se/art/ilska.html

...from that nigth I write and re write my own anger during three months. ...in May 2013, at Haninge square I perform 678 words ...in Lagos I experience art in and 400 meters of anger. all it shapes. one spoken word performance inspire me.

LAGOS

STOCKHOLM 40


have to recharge my mobile JAG VAR SOM LUFT, SOM OM JAG INTE FANNS

no return policy

I WAS LIKE AIR, AS IF I DID NOT EXIST

PERCEPTION: SWEDISH EVERYDAY ISSUES STOCKHOLM We all have issues that lead us to break, or we choose to adapt to daily. When I read about the everyday issues of the cities I live in I feel arrogant. It is a gift to realize that my everyday issues in Sweden are not only small and insignificant, but also that in the majority of situations I am in control to do something about it myself. I have recorded some everyday issues that myself or people around me experience in Sweden:

PUNE

LAGOS

ISTANBUL

have to take out the garbage

there are beggars on the street my TV is too small

Appearance Stress Weather Eating Exercising House tasks Internet Phone Material things Time Musts Can’t Having enough Transportation Other people Sleep Health Consuming Emotions Allergies

Marriage Engagement Divorce Vegetarianism Harassment Approval of others What to wear Cleaning Garbage Washing up Cooking Battery life Electricity Keys Beauty salons Cancellations Rain Disgust Parents Fans

Traffic Buying credits Kidnapping Generators Internet Needs Corruption Working over time Help in the home Seatbelts Infidelity Finishing tasks Parking Football Freezers Stuffy air Blocking Surviving Abuse Equality

have washing time feel offended Renting out property my must vote my internet is too slow Losing weight out of coffee bike was stolen have not seen the sun today Politics Unemployment the elevator is out of service don’t want to eat Needs Repression there are too many people Illegalities out there the bus is late The police must recycle have to buy new clothes Religion Impostures must walk the dog Sunburn have no desire to eat The bus can’t eat am allergic The subway can’t eat I am lactose Systems intolerant there is an ugly photo of me Harassment on Facebook Laptops Tobacco don’t know what to eat for Smoking lunch today Neighbours have pain in the head, hand, Tea arm, back, neck

my issues: depends on myself, I have the power to influence

can’t eat red meat

structural issues: depends on a higher power, difficult to influence

don’t have time to cook

have a headache due to Detox

didn’t sleep last night

am single

have no money for next weekend

my clothes are so boring they do not accept bankcards

my hair is growing too slow have a deadline today

41

have overslept

must take care of sick children again must be able to pick the kids

don’t have any cash with me

must have time to workout

losing too much hair my people talk too loud

don’t have time to eat

am too late

hair is so boring

You can see in our eyes that nothing can destroy us, because when you’ve already died once, you’re not afraid of next time, you become a liquid full of qualities for transforming and surviving anything. People see me without asking me, or me telling them. We sing and dance with the same pleasure. I know Lagos sounds like a painful experience, but internet on my mobile is for me Lagos is wellbeing... It is where I have learned to scream, to not contaminate finished myself with irrelevant issues. I learn that I can easily get overlooked, and that I am not in control of that, because it is the other person’s choice, and that is why it is my choice not to overlook other human beings. We as humans become humans when other humans see us as that. I have learned to see beyond my issues- material values, the future or the past... I have learned that my everyday is worth gold simply because I’m here one more day... Opening a window, walking in the rain, running in the snow, dancing in the queue, breathing air, drinking water… To see beyond and to feel the beauty in everything that is. Like the chameleons hidden between concrete walls, behind garbage or in the darkest places, coloured with 1000 patterns in red and green, so detailed that don’t have time to shop you really need to be a close observer not to miss anything. In Lagos I have learned to see beyond myself and my own breath. too many salesmen call my phone forgot my card do not have time to work it is too wet outside could not sleep last night

tired of going on a diet

cultural issues: depends on others, bigger groups, takes time to influence

had no time to take photos of the food

it’s cold again

...He seems frustrated and screams: “It’s because you have an oyibo in the car that you are driving so badly!” oyibo- a word I have heard other times but haven’t paid attention to- like a guy at the restaurant, the one parking the cars, he repeated it like 5 times to me “oyibo oyibo oyibo oyibo oyibo....” My friend and the two girls got upset with the guy, we went to the car and my friend told us to wait there while he went to talk to the parking guy, to tell him that he had been disrespectful. When he got back to us I asked him why it was disrespectful. He said that even if the word doesn’t mean anything negative in itself, there is no reason for the guy to insist and repeat it so many times to us. I didn’t understand a thing. Oyibo means white. But I didn’t understand why he repeated it so many times, was it his way of saying hello? His response to seeing me? And why did my friend get so upset? My biggest challenge is that I never saw myself as white, but here I am whiter than snow, is that the reason I am invisible? It opens my eyes, I realize that I am so arrogant believing that because I am not white in colour, I am not what represents being white for a big population of the world. Even if I myself did not rape their country, even if I did not steal, If I am not the one relying on their suffering, even if I never regulated a way of benefit from their damage, even if I never have or will have a bad intention... Why should they trust me? I am the one ignoring and accepting it. When finally after a time they see me for who I am.

wage has been really low this year

people are talking in a different language

my selfie is not good don’t want to sleep

it’s too cold outside 42


JAG VAR SOM LUFT, SOM OM JAG INTE FANNS

I WAS LIKE AIR, AS IF I DID NOT EXIST NOTES BY NATALIA ARAMBURU: SHE GIVES UP KEYWORDS

WEEK 5

WEEK 4

WEEK 3

WEEK 2

WEEK 1

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35

tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday monday

bored and start exercise corruption cultural difference noises don’t think she will be avaible to adapt hungry

HER BODY

HER MOOD

HER BEHAVIOR har inget att göra hemma

Headache Muscle tension or pain Fatigue Upset stomach SLEEP PROBLEMS

Anxiety RESTLESSNESS Lack of motivation or focus Irritability or anger Sadness or depression

OVEREATING OR UNDEREATING Angry outbursts äter mindre än det hon vill Drug or alcohol abuse Tobacco use Social withdrawal

has difficult to understand

HEADACHE Muscle tension or pain Fatigue UPSET STOMACH SLEEP PROBLEMS

ANXIETY RESTLESSNESS Lack of motivation or focus Irritability or anger Sadness or depression

OVEREATING OR UNDEREATING Angry outbursts Drug or alcohol abuse Tobacco use Social withdrawal

irritated and tired give up to fit in eat by herself sadness and sarcasm. AHA moment about whiteness Truant write poetry and diary

HEADACHE MUSCLE TENSION OR PAIN FATIGUE UPSET STOMACH SLEEP PROBLEMS

ANXIETY RESTLESSNESS LACK OF MOTIVATION OR FOCUS IRRITABILITY OR ANGER SADNESS OR DEPRESSION

OVEREATING OR UNDEREATING ANGRY OUTBURSTS Drug or alcohol abuse Tobacco use SOCIAL WITHDRAWAL

Headache MUSCLE TENSION OR PAIN FATIGUE UPSET STOMACH SLEEP PROBLEMS

Anxiety Restlessness LACK OF MOTIVATION OR FOCUS IRRITABILITY OR ANGER SADNESS OR DEPRESSION

Overeating or undereating ANGRY OUTBURSTS Drug or alcohol abuse Tobacco use Social withdrawal

frustrated and angry feel a sence of group lose appetite Truant job

metalt tillstånd påverkar fysiskt

inre ilska, visas inte utåt

inte hennes vanliga beteende

anger toward others miss home

Headache MUSCLE TENSION OR PAIN FATIGUE extremt utmattad av alla känslor Upset stomach SLEEP PROBLEMS

Anxiety Restlessness Lack of motivation or focus IRRITABILITY OR ANGER SADNESS OR DEPRESSION

Overeating or undereating Angry outbursts Drug or alcohol abuse Tobacco use Social withdrawal

WEEK 1: She’s irritated and insecure since these experiences are so different to her prior ones. She thinks she will have a hard time adapting to the meals, the noise and the politeness she is experiencing in the language. She hears about things like corruption, kidnapping, robbery etc. but she doesn’t take it in. One day she goes out on her own, and she feels she wants to get out more. She encounters suspicion from other people, something she’s not used to. She is wondering whether they remember that she’s there, to not get any attention and to not be asked her opinion affects her. She doesn’t understand why everyone sleeps so much and are so tired. She starts to exercise in her room. She feels alone. WEEK 2: She is insisting on trying to find out whether people don’t eat lunch here, or if there’s something she might have missed. She gets emotional when she thinks about what the place looks like, and how she hasn’t noticed before. She laughs sarcastically and talks about the things she really doesn’t like. She feels like everyone is tired and sleep all the time. She herself is more tired than normal. She hasn’t taken in the danger of going out alone, and is very taken up by the fact that she’s not allowed to. She doesn’t seem aware of how different she looks to other people here.

REFLECTION She is questioning her ability to adapt. She is insecure and is wondering why no one gives her attention. She is very talkative in the interviews, is she in need for human contact? She wants to adapt more and starts having lunch on her own. She doesn’t understand everyone’s worries about “the dangers”. She is writing a lot in her journal. Is it because she has too much time on her hands or is it just a need for reflection? Her fatigue takes over. She’s not in control of her physical fatigue. Her voice, energy and will is gone. She is homesick. Perhaps she can’t take it much longer? She manages to find a sense of bring in a group, but doesn’t feel she is part of the “us” notion.

NOTE EXPERIENCE: She is very affected emotionally by this trip; will she make use of her new insights when she gets back home? DEVELOPMENT: She is developing her soul and her psyche. BELONGING: She never feels like she is part of the group, but she strives to be a part of it. She strives to be a part of a group that doesn’t exist. VIEW: She doesn’t see herself as different from the others here, and so she doesn’t get why she’s being excluded, or why the suspicion she feels towards her. EXAMINATION: She is questioning her own thoughts and feelings, she opens up.

WEEK 3: She feels like she needs to adapt to her surroundings. She eats alone, and when she feels like it. The noise outside in the mornings annoy her, she’s used to waking up on her own. She is irritated by the feeling of not knowing anything on beforehand. She always has to wait for someone to go together with, sometimes for hours. She is used to being in control, and in this situation she feels like she doesn’t have any, and that she is very dependent on others. She is being sarcastic about her situation. Finally she is accepted by the group, but not completely. She is enjoying all the jokes, people are more open to her. Everyone sits around chatting and she is asking a lot of questions. She realises that the stern surface and the suspicion is cultural. She seems happier now that she gets why people have been a bit distant towards her. She feels as if people are very emotional, deep and creative. She admires their raw, honest and deep texts. WEEK 4: She has lost her appetite but is forcing herself to eat even if she’s not hungry. She is showing a lot of resilience and sadness, it comes across in the tone of her voice and in the way she writes. She wonders whether she has lost herself or just adapted. She is still not really a part of the group. She gets into situations that forces her to become someone she doesn’t really want to be. Her ways start to change and she doesn’t want to go to work anymore. She is very tired. She wants to sleep all the time, and she sleeps on her way to and from work. Once at work she enjoys it, it distracts her. She is mentally fatigued and feels as if her body can’t take any more. WEEK 5: Her survival instinct has gotten stronger. She acts more like herself at home, her real me comes out a bit. She thinks that time is moving slowly.

source: stress symptoms (1998-2014 Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research) 43

44


45

46


JAG VAR SOM LUFT, SOM OM JAG INTE FANNS

I WAS LIKE AIR, AS IF I DID NOT EXIST

RESOLUTION: I NEED TO BE SEEN TO BE A HUMAN BEEN

Jag var som luft, som om jag inte fanns i kamouflerat mönster skrek jag tyst... Jag var som intet, som om jag sågs förbi ...och för varje blick, blev jag mindre än ingenting

When I get overlooked I feel like I don’t exist, I am like air, I am nothing. But still, I continue to ignore other human beings. To no longer see other human beings as subjects rather as objects is my built in reaction to avoid feeling uncomfortable, suspicious, scared, sad, inshame, feeling guilty, angry or confused. And if air is how I see you, then air is what you become.

Hur viktigt är det att bli sedd för att känna mig som en människa? I Nigeria var jag den vita främlingen en inte kunde lita på och det skapade situationer där jag kände mig förbisedd. ”Jag finns inte, jag är som luft” är ett verk som grundar sig i min upplevelse att känna mig förbisedd som nykomling, främling eller avvikande. 47

48


49

50


the smoke comes to me went out to an expensive place so no money left

JAG SOV LIKE A BABY, ÄLSKAR LJUD

I SLEPT LIKE A BABY, LOVE SOUND saturday sunday ARRIVAL 2013.06.29 2013.06.30 . ISTANBUL interview

INTERVIEW

can’t prove that I worked there because I worked illegally

prefer to take the subway, that bus goes by ugly places saturday sunday 2013.07.13 2013.07.14

interview

need to be available if my father calls, but batteries will die

friday 2013.06.28

.

monday tuesday wednesdaythursday

friday

saturday sunday

interview

.

interview

monday tuesday wednesdaythursday don’t have change

saturday sunday .

friday

monday tuesday wednesdaythursday

2013.07.15 2013.07.16 2013.07.17 2013.07.18 2013.07.19

interview

.

interview

.

interview

.

interview

friday

2013.07.01 2013.07.02 2013.07.03 2013.07.04 2013.07.05

interview

it takes too long, I don’t like to wait

tea needs to be done Turkish style

need to fill my buss card with credits the tea is not done properly only 20% of the applicants get in to the university the rest wait 51

A person is what exists beyond her needs; the reflection of what she bleeds

do not have money to the bus

the gas came into the house

interview

.

interview

friday . DEPARTURE INTERVIEW ISTANBUL

there were too many people at the store

monday tuesday wednesday 2013.07.29 2013.07.30 2013.07.01

interview

they changed the school system, a 9year old kid needs to choose a mayor

.

.

my last work place still owes me two months salary

did not get paid for my work

need to sit outside so I can smoke

every time I see the police I get upset there is not enough food at home

traditional Muslims vote for that political party

the traffic is so heavy sometimes I stay over with friend on the other side

it costs a lot to pay a cleaning lady

I am on a diet

the police harass the women they arrest

it is to hot outside at this time let’s wait until the sun goes down

.

need to lose weigh

there are too many people in that place

they want to impose Islam

.

interview

the tea is too bitter

a lot of people work ilegally

interview

2013.07.20 2013.07.21

interview

interview

.

saturday sunday 2013.07.27 2013.07.28

2013.07.22 2013.07.23 2013.07.24 2013.07.25 2013.07.26

.

2013.07.06 2013.07.07

.

don’t eat after 4pm

monday tuesday wednesdaythursday

2013.07.08 2013.07.09 2013.07.10 2013.07.11 2013.07.12

.

need a cigarette

it is too cold on the subway

if you work within the government you can not wear a head scarf

we don’t have time to eat outside today

there will be too many people on the bus

.

it is to hot we need the aircon on

they said that the ones that helped during the riots are terrorists

can’t do a lot of things if I depend on my family

lost my tobacco

need to lose weight

we need to be at home after or before 21:00

don’t have money

need to be careful when I rent out my apartment

cats make noises all night

need to charge

Their black Friday, your white hearts, our empty souls

EVERYDAY: I SAW A DOLPHIN

when we have trouble we don’t know if we should call the police

need to charge my laptop

need to use my credit card

got sunburned

don’t know anything about how much the project costs

the streets are so difficult too orient in

need to eat something fast, have too My everyday life in Istanbul is a loop of days that makes me one with time. I don’t feel any need for much work structure, my routines are natural. To adapt to a city and a culture that seems to enjoy life is easy it is too late, I can’t go to the for me. My everyday issues in Istanbul are generally things I can change together with others. If I The neighbour made hospital now arrange them in five groups they are: noises last night my parents get worried if I don’t know if I have any credit don’t answer my phone on my bus card DIET - Perfection in the food I eat, or don’t eat. RELIGION - Accepting and adapting to others. my fingers get yellow from AUTHORITY - Avoiding or confronting the authorities at the right time. the government has us rolling the tobacco URBAN SPACE- The streets don’t feel accessible enough, lack of sidewalks, abundance of steps. repressed so we smoke WORK - The lack of work, or too much of it. to relax

52


MY HANDS ARE FRAGILE JAG SOV LIKE A BABY, ÄLSKAR LJUD

8 9 10 11 12 13 14

friday saturday sunday monday tuesday wednesday thursday

Do they give away food for free? There must be several guys that play the drums? If you want to quit your job, then why don’t you? Did you stay late at work on Friday? Have you seen this video? Do you have Wi-Fi here? Do you want to rent your apartment too?

15 16 17 18 19 20 21

friday saturday sunday monday tuesday wednesday thursday

Will you pay for the trip with a credit card? Don’t you know when the bus comes? Do you eat this breakfast every day? Can you always order half sizes? Will we go out tomorrow to celebrate your birthday? Have you read the Quran? How many interviews with the same employer do you usually have?

22 23 24 25 26 27 28

friday saturday sunday monday tuesday wednesday thursday

8. No, I was just telling you that it can happen so just be careful.

Why was she upset? What are they signing to the police? Why do you paint your hands when you get married? Why is she is crying? Where will you go on vacation? Where can I buy credits for my bus card?

29 30 31 32 33 34

friday saturday sunday monday tuesday wednesday

11. No I am trying to lose weight so I don’t eat after 4pm.

53

3. They are praying in the mosque. 4. A box per day. 5. We can’t! My friend had two accidents last year, she fell on the frozen ground. 6. Yes it’s good business, I wanted to rent out mine some months ago, if you rent for a week you get paid more than rent for a month. 7. They are protesting around the same time 9pm, we also do it if we are at home, we use kitchen pots, it has been going on for one month.

9. Yes of course, we even have some extras at work. 10. Yes here.

12. No, nobody has time after work for being with friends and going out. 13. It’s well done, is a long tradition and you can’t skip steps or invent new things.

14. Yes they are, I think the municipality gives them something to calm them down. 15. Yes, the government hands out food everyday 9pm during Ramadan, but now the Gezi park group also hands out food. 16. Yes I suppose every area has their own, it’s a big thing here, they even have a competition to be chosen. So they must be very devoted? No, hahaha, after they go door knocking asking for “gifts”. 17. It would look bad in the CV if I have worked for less than 1 year.

WEEK 1

Why do we need to pay at the beach? Do you have a mask for the gas? Do you have books in English? Do you eat dinner at home? Do you work out? What is real Turkish tea? Don’t you think the dogs are too calm?

2. He is asking to buy old things.

WEEK 2

friday saturday sunday monday tuesday wednesday thursday

joy interest surprise fear sadness irritation disgust anger

WEEK 3

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

LESS joy interest surprise fear sadness irritation disgust anger

joy interest surprise fear sadness irritation disgust anger

WEEK 4

ANSWERS: 1. You can buy it in the little shops, but it doesn’t matter- after maximum 3 weeks they will block your SIM-card if it’s international.

QUESTIONS: Where can I buy a SIM-card? What is he screaming? What is that sound? How many cigarettes do u smoke a day? How can you walk in winter with all these hills and steps? Do you usually rent out your apartment? What is that sound?

I feel like my emotions are balanced here. Fear doesn’t exist in me, not even when I am walking through gas let out by the police, because I feel like we are bigger and stronger, and that we can accomplish anything. I am enchanted, and the feeling is so strong that I am even ignoring real physical pain. I feel at home and like if I find myself again with every single step I take. NOTICE: I choose to work with 8 emotions and see the weekly change; neutral equals my emotional state at home. The emotions list is inspired by Silvan Tomkins affect theory, which talks about the connection of an affect and its biological response as a heritage that we are born with.

joy interest surprise fear sadness irritation disgust anger

WEEK 5

EMOTIONS: I HAVE FOUND MYSELF AGAIN

I WILL NEVER FORGET: the dolphin my hands the tea my soreness the conversations my voice the simplicity my smile the sounds my skills the civilization my weakness the people my running the night life my humanity the little chairs my ignorance the friendship my obsession the consumption my habits the group my needs the culture my kindness the dogs my passion the resilience myself

My reflection will never be yours; my shapes will never dry into diet, because even when you refuse to see beyond my skin I have bones with voices that refuse to be quiet!

I SLEPT LIKE A BABY, LOVE SOUND

joy interest surprise fear sadness irritation disgust anger

NEUTRAL

MORE

18. Until 2am, I was happy because last Friday I stayed until 6am.

MY HANDS HAVE FAILED

19. No it’s very cool, send me the link.

MY HANDS HAVE RESTED

20. Yes, but I don’t know the code. 21. Yes I need the money, and I have a big apartment with 3 bedrooms. 22. Yes of course, and we pay back little by little.

MY HANDS ARE FREE

23. No, they don’t tell us the exact time. All we know is that it comes every 20 minutes, but we don’t know when, and if there is a lot of traffic maybe the bus doesn’t come, and then we have to wait for the next one.

MY HANDS ARE UNIQUE

MY HANDS ARE ALIVE

24. No, the people that work can’t or, only on the weekends, breakfast is a big thing in Turkey, we eat a lot and it takes forever. 25. Yes of course, we don’t eat like men. 26. No I have job interviews the morning after, but my friends will come here to visit. 27. Yes I have, I think it is important to know, but the majority have not read it. 28. 2-3 interviews but ones my friend had 7 interviews. 29. It happens here that people argue about work, personalities can clash when

we are so many women. 30. They are very brave when they sing “dear uncle police give me gas!” 31. I don’t know, it is a tradition to do it 3 days before, maybe it’s shamanism. 32. Her husband has back pain so she is sad and worried.

MY HANDS CREATE MY HANDS BREAK

33. I will go to some Greek islands and after i will visit my parents for Morakabarak. 34. In the store in front of the bus stop. MY HANDS HAVE LEARNED 54

MY HANDS ARE USEFULL MY HANDS HAVE LIMITS


JAG SOV LIKE A BABY, ÄLSKAR LJUD

I SLEPT LIKE A BABY, LOVE SOUND

I count every second of your absence, as if the space between us was a landscape

QUOTES: HELL YEAH YOU LIVE THE LIFE HERE

55

56


JAG SOV LIKE A BABY, Ă„LSKAR LJUD

I SLEPT LIKE A BABY, LOVE SOUND

REFLECTION: EVERYTHING I DO IS BECAUSE YOU MIRROR ME

57

Like a domino piece I rely on your skin so we so our chain becomes a masterpiece

In Istanbul my days are full of spare time activities and I can always find something to do and to share with someone else. It is like a domino game where I can always find something in common even if we are all unique and different. Spare time activities improve physical and mental health. To find the balance is to have a choice to do spare time activities with others but also by myself.

Eating out at restaurants Sitting at a cafe Leisurely walks The gym / indoor sports Running / swimming / boxing Outdoor sports Picnic Book reading Stroll in the woods Hiking Cultivate at home / at allotment Library / magazine reading Watch documentaries Watch series / movies at home Going to the movies Sewing / knitting / weaving Photography / film Diary / poems / letters Concerts / the theater / museums Fixing home / car / equipment Lectures / presentations Going out dancing Painting / drawing Playing music / instruments / singing Board games / bingo / slot machines Wood work / metal handicrafts Downhill skiing / skating rink Recreational Fishing Hiking Sunbathing

58


JAG SOV LIKE A BABY, ÄLSKAR LJUD

The time is here to deal, time to kill and heal… time to scream and feel, is time for the words to shell

I SLEPT LIKE A BABY, LOVE SOUND

EXPLOSION: A PLACE TO BREATHE

1052 PEOPLE ENTER MY PERSONAL SPACE THE 2013.07.30

I have difficulty to breath around cigarette smoke, and I suffer from allergic reactions. The first week I am around the smoke I reach my limit. The second week I try to avoid being around it, but I know that almost everybody smokes here. From week 3 I feel like a passive smoker, I don’t even bother about the smoke anymore because the sense of the group is stronger than my physical reaction to it. I AM PART OF EVERYTHING I am around people I know, or by myself. I do spare time activities with others or by myself. I sleep by myself. I eat with others, or by myself.

My direct impression of Istanbul is that it’s a society that knows how to enjoy life, with activities like slowly drinking cups of tea and having long discussions. Feeling a very strong need for keeping the calm and emptiness the tea drinking gives me; an art project grows and is installed in Årstafältet (Stockholm) in February 2014. NYFIKEN BETONG (curious concrete): How much does my curiosity weigh? I discover that my curiosity sometimes hinders me from stopping and taking a break. I wanted to stop and sit down. This Installation is a process of my curiosity, becoming a piece to sit down on. It is a 42kgs heavy concrete bench made to create possibilities for a break. http://aramburu.se/art/nyfikenbetong.html

1019 PEOPLE ENTER MY PERSONAL SPACE THE 2013.07.04

556 PEOPLE ENTER MY PERSONAL SPACE THE 2013.07.19 1018 PEOPLE ENTER MY PERSONAL SPACE THE 2013.07.26

536 PEOPLE ENTER MY PERSONAL SPACE THE 2013.07.09

...the first thing I embrace is sitting down to drink tea, on the little chairs I finally take a brake

ISTANBUL 59

...winter 2014 the mini bench is born. I place it outside to take a ...create my own tea table and brake in the cold snow place it at home. I use it as my own furniture for 9months

STOCKHOLM 60


JAG SOV LIKE A BABY, ÄLSKAR LJUD

I SLEPT LIKE A BABY, LOVE SOUND

PERCEPTION: CHARACTER THERMOMETER We all have different characteristics, but key is how and when we use them. I have highlighted the ones that I experienced increased/ got stronger during this experiment. Characteristics that increased because of survival or adaptation. Characteristics that increased because of the group I was in, or because of my surroundings. Characteristics that increased because of changes in me. Below I rate the ones that changed, 1 = Today strong or 10= Today weak

SOCIABLE

1

EASY GOING

2

DURING THE TRIP

ISTANBUL

AFTER THE TRIP

ADAPTABLE ADVENTUROUS affectionate arrogant brave calm careful communicative compassionate CONSIDERATE

determined discreet EASY GOING emotional ENERGETIC ENTHUSIASTIC fearless friendly generous helpful

honest humorous INDEPENDENT INTUITIVE kind loyal melancholic modest nice optimistic

passionate patient persistent polite powerful practical quiet rational reliable reserved

SELF-CONFIDENCE self-disciplined sensitive shy sincere SOCIABLE sympathetic tough UNDERSTANDING WILLING

LAGOS

TODAY

ADAPTABLE adventurous affectionate ARROGANT brave calm CAREFUL communicative compassionate considerate

determined discreet easy going EMOTIONAL energetic enthusiastic FEARLESS friendly generous helpful

honest humorous independent INTUITIVE kind loyal MELANCHOLIC MODEST nice OPTIMISTIC

passionate PATIENT persistent POLITE POWERFUL practical quiet rational reliable RESERVED

self-confidence SELF-DISCIPLINED sensitive shy SINCERE sociable sympathetic TOUGH understanding willing

adaptable adventurous affectionate arrogant brave CALM CAREFUL communicative compassionate CONSIDERATE

determined discreet easy going emotional energetic enthusiastic fearless friendly generous HELPFUL

honest humorous independent INTUITIVE kind loyal melancholic modest NICE optimistic

passionate patient persistent polite powerful PRACTICAL quiet rational reliable reserved

self-confidence self-disciplined sensitive shy sincere SOCIABLE sympathetic tough UNDERSTANDING willing

EMOTIONAL

3

OPTIMISTIC

4

ARROGANT

5

TOUGH

6

8

MODEST

9

CONSIDERATE

10

PRACTICAL

61

PUNE

SINCERE

7

What I stuck with for the first few days are: Good transport and public transport. The smell of pastry and fresh orange juice everywhere. The sounds of prayers, traffic, and people who talk is heard until morning. There are shops that are open around the clock. People sitting everywhere on tiny chairs talking and drinking tea. Couple holding hands ... With a feeling that they really enjoy, really want, it’s not automatically like robots holding hands. I notice that the sound becomes more vivid or disturbing, as cats having sex, neighbours having sex, ambulances passing on my street because there are 3 hospitals ... And the strangest sound is these birds, I have never heard such sound before. I thought it was the cats but now I know that there are birds that sea rats, they are everywhere and seem to not want to sleep. But perhaps even stranger is that I do not hear the drums, they should wake one so that one time to eat before the sun comes up ... but I sleep past it as a baby.

62

I could be the flower that is beside you always standing behind your shadow, but I refuse to stand, I was born to fly, and like a persistent bird sing loud!

The city is beautiful but I do not think about it, because I know that if I start I will be stuck in a state of shock! But in short, it is the most beautiful I have ever seen! ... My first day is very relaxing. I’m not on holiday and therefore I do not need to rush as others to take photos or experience to the max ... For me it is enough to experience things like go shopping, buy me a bun or accompany a friend to the bus stop. We have time to experiment with cooking at home, we have time to play spin the bottle, go to the gay parade, go dancing, meet my friend’s friends or family, and even have three couch surfers visiting from Greece, Spain and Jordan. As the days are very intense although we mostly lazing at home, something that feels natural. I tend to be at home at least one day during the weekend and lazy at home.


JAG SOV LIKE A BABY, ÄLSKAR LJUD

I SLEPT LIKE A BABY, LOVE SOUND NOTES BY NATALIA ARAMBURU: SHE IS IN LOVE

WEEK 5

WEEK 4

WEEK 3

WEEK 2

WEEK 1

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35

tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday monday

KEYWORDS

HER BODY

HER MOOD

HER BEHAVIOR

want to fit in inlove with the city

Headache Muscle tension or pain Fatigue Upset stomach Sleep problems

Anxiety Restlessness Lack of motivation or focus Irritability or anger Sadness or depression

Overeating or undereating Angry outbursts Drug or alcohol abuse TOBACCO USE hon har inget val, röken finns omkring henne Social withdrawal

WEEK 1: She is in love with the city, the structure, the food, the environment etc. She thinks she understands society and in that way it is easier for her to be part of it. The city is almost like her dream city. She is so contempt she only mentions the positives. She is in love with everything; she doesn’t even care about complaining about the cigarette smoke. She enjoys the people she spends time with; she feels they have shared interests and references. She goes out dancing at bars. The ones she spends her time with quickly becomes her inner circle. She doesn’t understand the language but experiences that everyone wants to help her. She likes people’s friendly ways.

wake up late walk starting daily we-group feeling at home truants

Headache MUSCLE TENSION OR PAIN Fatigue Upset stomach Sleep problems

Anxiety Restlessness Lack of motivation or focus Irritability or anger Sadness or depression

Overeating or undereating Angry outbursts Drug or alcohol abuse Tobacco use Social withdrawal

WEEK 2: She is part of the group and this affects her subconsciously. One day she doesn’t go to work and instead she spends time with the girls. The city and the life they live reminds her a lot of her own life as single. She is more relaxed in her way of talking. She points out and is surprised by the fact that there are a lot of people. She doesn’t understand why her work friends are so much more withdrawn compared to other people she spends time with. Her social life takes up a big part of her everyday. She is still in love with the city. She is out a lot (shopping, spending time at cafes, restaurants, spending time with other people, going to the movies, to exhibitions etc.)

physical pain wake up late takes its own time starts reading book truants

Headache MUSCLE TENSION OR PAIN Fatigue hinner inte sova ut Upset stomach SLEEP PROBLEMS

Anxiety Restlessness Lack of motivation or focus Irritability or anger Sadness or depression

Overeating or undereating Angry outbursts Drug or alcohol abuse TOBACCO USE Social withdrawal

WEEK 3: She gets tired of work, is bored by working so much in CAD. She has a friendly relationship with the girls. She is out a lot every day, regardless if she is on her own or in the company of others. She still hasn’t adapted completely. She is taken aback by the lifestyle of people in the city. She still hasn’t questioned anything of society. She starts questioning her own behaviour, like that she should go to bed earlier or eat breakfast, but she doesn’t change anything.

physical pain wake up late realize the reality follow routines we-group feeling atwork

Headache MUSCLE TENSION OR PAIN Fatigue smärtan har gått över hennes gräns Upset stomach SLEEP PROBLEMS

Anxiety jobbet är för upprepande Restlessness LACK OF MOTIVATION OR FOCUS Irritability or anger Sadness or depression

Overeating or undereating Angry outbursts Drug or alcohol abuse TOBACCO USE Social withdrawal

physical pain Wake up late takes its own time. start training inlove with the city and the people truants

Headache MUSCLE TENSION OR PAIN Fatigue Upset stomach Sleep problems

Anxiety Restlessness Lack of motivation or focus Irritability or anger Sadness or depression

Overeating or undereating Angry outbursts Drug or alcohol abuse TOBACCO USE Social withdrawal

överarbetar handen

hon väljer att vara run rök

REFLECTION Does her dream city make her blind for reality? She adapts easily. She has a hard time finding negative things. Not even the smoking bothers her. She lets herself be affected since she wants to be part of the group and society. She is relaxed. Is it like a vacation for her? She experiences a lot of pain in her hand. How come she puts up with it? She fights to find herself yet still she wants to be like everyone else. She tries to find a balance for the two. She accepts the everyday, and that everything isn’t perfect. She chooses to be part of the “us” notion. She likes the different groups and enjoys being a part of an “us”.

NOTE EXPERIENCE: She is not affected, no change or development. CHANGE: She goes back to old ways, thought patterns and habits. BELONGING: She is part of the same social group as she would at home, she has a strong sense of “us”. VIEW: She realises her opportunities, and opens her eyes to routines. EXAMINATION: The questioning of herself f.e. behaviour such as to stop going out shopping or to start sleeping in longer.

WEEK 4: She has an unbearable pain in her joints. She is one of the gang, mixes naturally with the group and stays over at friends. She uses the “us” notion more. She easily adapts to the Turkish life style, it reminds her of her own life at home. She enjoys her lifestyle as a grown up. It is so much like her life at home that she points straight to the things she dislikes rather than trying to act patient or be sensible like she has in the other cities she has visited. She sleeps in longer and doesn’t exercise at all, which is very unusual for her. Her initial infatuation for the city is gone and she starts noticing things she hasn’t noticed before. She doesn’t think shopping is fun anymore. She spends time with her friends from work; they chat and always have lunch out together. WEEK 5: She skips work one day to let her hand rest. She has started thinking about the journey home, since the pain has gotten unbearable. She is used to the smoking but sometimes she comments on it. She mostly adapts to it since she has to, even though it’s something she normally is very against at home in Sweden.

source: stress symptoms (1998-2014 Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research) 63

64


65

66


JAG SOV LIKE A BABY, ÄLSKAR LJUD

I SLEPT LIKE A BABY, LOVE SOUND

RESOLUTION: SOMETIMES HOME IS AN ILLUSION Sleep is something that can easily be underestimated and turned into an item on a “to do list”. In Istanbul, through the enchanting sounds, the rhythm of the everyday life, and the uninterrupted tea drinking, my mind has found back to my body, and I sleep like a baby. To sleep well is a sign of my mental and physical health but also I sign that I am at home.

I sleep like a baby, like if it was my first time because when did sleeping become a bloody crime? I nap like a flower and wake up with the sounds because when did I forget that I l belong in the ground? I snooze, I roll over, I bend, I hug and I rely I doze, I get over, I dream, I become and I fly cause when did I lose my passion collecting blue stars? I slumber like a baby, like the one I always was because I can’t justify my actions by destroying myself I rest like an imprint, like the one under my skin because I know I don’t exist to become a broken machine

Vad behöver jag för att känna mig hemma? När jag inte räknar timmar eller måste avsluta sömnen med en väckarklocka då vet jag att jag är hemma. Under tiden jag sover kommer jag fram till lösningar, sover jag väl blir jag mindre sjuk och är gladare. Sömnen är en förutsättning för att jag ska fungera. Sömnbrist är stort hot mot hälsan, men svenskar är ändå de som sover minst av alla européer. 67

68


69

70


KÄNNER MIG SÅ ARROGANT

I FEEL SO ARROGANT

OBSERVATION BY NATALIA ARAMBURU EVERYDAY STRESS One interesting aspect of the experiment is to see the changes in Patricia’s ways, both physically and psychologically, in regards to the different cities she goes to. She starts using exercising as a tool to work with the different challenges she is experiencing in her daily life. It is clear she uses it as a stress relief. In all three cities, she starts exercising even when this isn’t part of the daily routine of those around her. Exercising becomes something she feels is necessary to add to her daily routine wherever she goes.

INDEPENDENTLY ALONE In most cultures community and being part of a group is seen as a necessity. But in our western culture, this way of thinking has gradually changed- to be self sufficient and independent is now seen as something positive, and has become the ideal that we live by. Patricia’s opinion before travelling is that to be strong is to be able to handle things on your own, and she is careful about having time and spare time to herself. During the experiment she discovers how dependent she becomes on the sense of being part of a group.

PUNE: She exercises as a way of handling the notion of feeling locked up, and as a way to find time to be by herself.

PUNE: She doesn’t have a choice- here she has to be part of a group. Her opinions around the notion of the group as something negative changes and she can see the advantages, and the sense of security the group can give her, especially considering the situation she is in when in Pune.

LAGOS: She exercises to handle her feeling of loneliness, and to fill the gaps she feels she is experiencing in her daily life. ISTANBUL: She exercises as a way of handling physical pain, she experiences as a result of her work life.

LAGOS: She is not part of a group, but is alone. Here, she desperately feels she wants to be part of a group. She feels the need of human contact and a strong need for experiencing community with others. Her original view around independency is shook, and she’s questioning whether alone is always best.

73

PUNE

LAGOS

. 4 2 2 2 . . 1 2 . 2 . . . .

2 3 3 4 5 2 3 2 3 3 3 2 . . 1

ISTANBUL . 3 . . . . . 1 . . . 2 . 4 2 list of stress symptoms , 5 equals maximum

74

I need to stretch my soul, maybe then I can fit in my body

Headache Muscle tension or pain Fatigue Upset stomach Sleeping problems Anxiety Restlessness Lack of motivation or focus Irritability or anger Sadness or depression Overeating undereating Angry outbursts Drug or alcohol abuse Tobacco use Social withdrawal

I run until I am dangerously near, I run miles until I tear down all the fucking fear

ISTANBUL: She is part of the group in a natural way that resembles her everyday life in Sweden.


KÄNNER MIG SÅ ARROGANT

I FEEL SO ARROGANT

OBJECTIFICATION BY NATALIA ARAMBURU The question is whether Patricia’s sense of empathy for others changes in a surrounding or a city with a higher population density. How does she turn subjects into objects? In this experiment we have worked with three different cases where society, its structures and the physical environment vary, but where the population density is about the same. What we have seen is that the density of the population doesn’t seem to affect Patricia’s empathy directly, and that other more basic factors seem to be of more relevant. These are factors such as time (stress), sense of belonging (group) and recognition (experience).

PUNE: There seems to be a change in empathy towards the group she is part of. The collective is divided into two parts where the female group is enhanced and the male group is reduced. LAGOS: There seems to be a change in empathy since the sense of recognition is strong. Patricia’s own experience of suffering deepens her empathy which in return develops her psyche. The single individual affects, reminds and touches her causing a strong empathetic development within the group. The compassion she feels for single individuals creates an empathic generalisation towards the collective as a whole. Society is divided into two groups, the people and the state. The people as a collective here become the subject and the state becomes the object. ISTANBUL: The level of empathy is neither increased nor decreased. The level of empathy she experiences is similar to what she experiences in her everyday life at home. The ones within the group that she is part of are the subjects (friends, colleagues). Other people stay as subjects even though they are a collective. The balance in everyday life and the lack of stress leads to a bigger buffer for objectifying subjects.

75

76

I am the result of your lack of empathy, without soul and sewn skin, I am your machine

Patricia’s empathy for the collective doesn’t change but it seems as if her empathy is affected when she has a group tight in her inner circle or if she is in contact/connects with single individuals. This seems to have to do with how much she can see herself in the other, the more she sees herself the more empathy she develops. Such a simple variable as time can punctuate her empathy. Old and new research within the subject has shown that time can be a crucial factor to empathy. By turning up the tempo in work life the ability for empathy disappears. Stress objectifies subjects; stress is connected to survival and is a primitive state where egoism supersedes over other people’s needs. In Patricia’s case it seems as when she is not experiencing stress, and when she is in a more harmonious state, she is less inclined to objectifying subjects, even when they are part of a bigger collective.


I FEEL SO ARROGANT

YES

Do you feel?

KNOWLEDGE: THE EVERYDAY LIFE MAKES ME BLIND

Your are constantly a memory written in my scream, a chaotic street that trapped my feet in a dream

KÄNNER MIG SÅ ARROGANT

NO MAYBE Finding my empathy is a highly subjective exercise especially when I find so many definitions and words and for the same word. I select and organize 11 definitions in a linear gradient, not defining what is better or worse but just what I may feel. I have simplified the task of finding my empathy by asking the right questions. Depending on the answer does the infographic guides me to understand what I am really feeling? The questions and answers are based on my past experience in the project and in my life.

Were you offline at least 6h?

Do you feel inner pain?

NO

Do you feel physical pain?

YES

NO

NO

MAYBE

YES MAYBE Do you want to feel?

NO

Do you remember all the suffering you have experience?

MAYBE NO

NO

77

Likgiltighet : Detached

Identifikation : Identification

Do you feel stressed?

YES

MAYBE

Igenkännande : Pathos

Gensvar : Response

NO

YES

MAYBE

YES

Did you greet a stranger?

MAYBE

NO

Sympati : Sympathy

Inlevelse : Impression

YES

NO

YES

Do you share your shame?

Do you choose not to cry in front of others?

Do you forgive?

NO YES

YES YES

Do you feel tired or are you yawning?

MAYBE

Did you share your hate?

Did you wake up without the alarm clock?

NO

YES

Do you have time?

YES

Do you feel curiosity or surprise?

Do you feel irritation, sadness, joy, anger or fear?

NO

YES

MAYBE

NO MAYBE

Medömkan :Pity

Medlidande : Commiseration

Förståelse : Understanding

Medkänsla : Compassion

Insikt : Insight

78


REFERENSER

REFERENCE

ANYTHING: FOREST OF WISDOM

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I will carry you around like my precious property, I will drag you into my present to fight for my liberty, I will be the one and you will be everything‌ Because I will be our future as long as you are my past

To lose myself  

Art research project / Ku-funded project from Royal institute of art Stockholm / Pune, Lagos, Istanbul. Contact patricia(a)aramburu.se for p...

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