I DONT KNOW WHERE IM GOING
D I A R Y E N T R I E S F R O M F E B R U A R Y u know that mood when ur just sad and u feel lost and u feel like u can’t even really be that sad bc..idk but it just feels like u don’t have the right to be sad so ur just kinda floating through this weird state of something and u dont always wish you’d done more of been there but u just wish things were different and that no one was gone and everyone was fine and u didnt feel guilty or distanced from everything and..well ok basically everyone is leaving and its not fully hitting me yet but it still sucks * * * my therapist said i think too much. she said i shouldn’t think so much about my feelings and that i shouldn’t roll people and events and thoughts and emotions around in my head until everything becomes some organism under a microscope..but overanalyzing is one of the things i do really well. * * * there is never a quiet moment in my house. theres always slamming doors and yelling or angry music being blasted. this is broken in the night time when its only the fans and our broken fire alarm that lets out a beep every five or so minutes. i want it to be quiet for maybe three full minutes. i miss silence and solitude and i need some time to myself. * * * i am beautiful and radiant and i deserve respect and love. ive taken to repeating this to myself in the mirror and i think im starting to believe it. * * * after hating myself for so long, ive begun to act as if the sun shines out of my fucking asshole. and u know what? it feels good as hell. * * * i am in a much better place than i was last year. i feel like i am ready to let myself care for other people in ways that i havent in a long time. i want to be careful this time. i would like to feel just the right amount. not too much, not too little. just enough to be happy which is hard because i feel things so deeply then i start to regret it and i close off and its just this awful cycle of gross emotions. but anyways, u smiled at me today and said whats up and i said okay because im an idiot and i thought u were going to ask how i was. and then i was so embarrassed i just left instead of explaining myself. but anyways..having u smile at me and just getting a little flustered in front of u was kinda nice actually. ur so great bc u are so sweet and intelligent and friendly and we see each other enough for me to keep a distance and u just feel good and safe and, well..it doesn’t suck. so thank u * * *
i have so many toxic people in my life and i want to cut them out and i don’t know exactly whats stopping me but this is hard and i don’t know what to do. i want to scream.
i love you a lot
i feel so unhealthy most of the time and it sucks i want to be healthier so i am going to work hard at that i would like to start drinking more water and working out a little more and maybe just making healthier life choices in general. like who i chose to surround myself with. i want to stop censoring myself, like i want to stop lying to save other peoples feelings while just letting myself be in this gross, horrible, toxic mess of emotions. idk part of me just really wants to completely start over and stop having to deal with all this bullshit and stress and just oh my god wow CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS SHIT I CANT BELIEVE THIS IS MY LIFE ITS JUST SO SURREAL
so whats it gonna be? your happiness or mine? which one of us has to fake happiness 6ll we die? I WISH IT DIDNT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY
but i am in love and you are not
WOMEN DO NOT EXIST FOR YOU.
since u left ive pierced my nose and ive gotten three tattoos. it has been two hundred and thirty two days since you left and there has not been a single day i haven’t missed you. -‐you said i was afraid of commitment, and then you left
BEFORE SOPHOMORE YEAR I DIDNT KNOW WHAT IT WAS TO BE IN LOVE IT IS THE FIRST CHORDS OF YOUR FAVORITE SONG IT IS 6AM ON SUNDAY MORNINGS AND GARDENS OF ROSES BUT I WASNT PREPARED FOR THE THORNS OH GOD IVE TASTED HEARTBREAK AND IT TASTES LIKE CHEAP LIQUOR AND YOU
sad songs for sad days •over it / this wild life •if you leave / nada surf •the freshman / the verve pipe •fireworks / you me at six •apartment / young the giant •fear of flying / a rocket to the moon •missing you / tyler hilton •too much / all time low •coffee and cigarettes / michelle featherst •three cheers for five years / mayday parade •youth / daughter •cigarette daydreams / cage the elephant •the good kind / the wreckers