Toolbox Preschool Years Course Workbook

Preschool Years Course Workbook

Toolbox Preschool Years course workbook

Toolbox Preschool Years is a six-week parenting course by Parenting Place. It is designed for parents and caregivers raising children aged 2–4 years in Aotearoa, New Zealand.

For more information about us and helpful articles and support, visit parentingplace.nz or follow us on social media

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2023 edition © Parenting Place

Our dream at Parenting Place is that every parent* in Aotearoa feels confident and every child feels deeply loved.

We inspire parents by offering hope for families. We equip parents with information and strategies. We journey with parents through key transition times.

Since 1993, we’ve walked alongside New Zealand families, providing strategies to build stronger relationships. We recognise that every family can flourish with support, encouragement and nurture. And we believe that healthy, loving families can transform communities.

“We thrive when we are connected and belong, when we are listened to and heard, feel safe and are trusted, can fail and be forgiven, are enjoyed and pursued, respected as individuals, are challenged and believed in, and have hope for our future.

This is the heart of whānau.”

Jenny

Hale, Senior Family Coach parentingplace.nz

*Anyone raising a child, including parents, caregivers, grandparents, aunties, uncles, guardians and foster carers.

Who we are

Most of us hope our kids will grow up to be caring and fun human beings who make great choices – and of course we wouldn’t say no to the added bonuses of nice manners and enthusiasm for doing the dishes. We know that parenting is the hardest job many of us will ever do, and we’re here to support anyone raising kids in Aotearoa with the tools, inspiration and skills to navigate their parenting journey.

Established in 1993, Parenting Place is a trusted voice on parenting, working to support parents and caregivers to feel confident in the relationships they are building with their growing tamariki at every age and stage, from birth through to adulthood.

We are a non-profit organisation – a charity with a heart for New Zealand families – supported by individual donors, corporate partners, sponsors, trusts and government funding. This enables us to deliver parenting courses, oneon-one family coaching, parenting talks, media interviews, articles and online resources to inspire, equip and support healthy, thriving families across the motu.

Parenting Place and Te Tiriti o Waitangi

Here at Parenting Place, we deeply value Te Tiriti o Waitangi and place huge importance on the relationship we, as tangata tiriti (people of the Treaty) can have with tangata whenua (people of the land) and with this beautiful place we call home.

Our dream is that every parent in Aotearoa feels confident and every child feels deeply loved. However, we know that a one-size-fits-all approach to realising this dream doesn’t work.

This means that we also work with Māori experts, leaders and partners to inform content development for our resources and range of programmes, from Space to Toolbox and Building Awesome Whānau. It’s not just about ages and stages – it’s also about honouring and celebrating our cultural differences and recognising that for the dream to become a reality, it will take a collective effort.

Nāu te rourou, nāku te rourou ka ora ai te iwi. With your food basket and my food basket, the people will thrive.

What we do

Space supports you and your baby throughout your first critical year together, meeting weekly over 20-30 weeks. Space groups offer a safe and facilitated environment where you can connect with other parents and discover what works for your family as your baby grows.

Toolbox parenting courses are bursting with practical strategies and ideas to inspire and equip as you navigate different ages and stages. Available in-person or online over six weeks, with three great courses catering to the Preschool Years (2-4), Primary Years (5-11) and Teenage Years (12-18).

Building Awesome Whānau is a six-session course for parents and whānau raising tamariki aged 2-13 years. Designed through a well-being lens, Building Awesome Whānau draws from mātauranga Māori and western science to create a kaupapa that is uniquely Aotearoa.

Family Coaching offers one-on-one support for parents at any stage of their parenting journey. Our coaches bring their extensive training and experience to help you uncover new ideas and take-home strategies to bring about the positive changes you desire for your whānau. Available in person (Auckland) or online via video call.

With 30 years of experience presenting to thousands of parents across Aotearoa New Zealand, Parenting Talks are fun and inspiring. Our presenters bring a wealth of experience, sharing practical skills and solutions for the challenges facing families today. Content is evidence-based and presented using a variety of engaging formats.

Our website parentingplace.nz offers a comprehensive range of encouraging and insightful articles, courses and content to support you and your family at every age and stage.

Check us out @parentingplacenz

Nau Mai. Welcome.

We’re so excited that you have decided to join us for the next six weeks as we journey through Toolbox Preschool Years. These are the years where we build the foundation of positive parenting. What we do now establishes how we will connect with our child, manage their feelings and encourage good behaviour.

Over the next six weeks, we’ll have plenty of opportunities for discussion and questions. With the collective wisdom in the room right now (including your own), we’re sure you’ll come out the other end feeling confident and ready to navigate the preschool years. For more fantastic resources, check out parentingplace.nz

We hope you enjoy this Toolbox course. Here is an overview of what to expect –

Session 1 – Understanding love and connection

Session one is about understanding the importance of seeing the good things about our children and how significant it is that we strengthen our connection with them.

Session 2 – Understanding yourself as a parent

Session two takes a look at different parenting styles and helps us uncover which one we use most. This session also unpacks the tools needed to shift parenting styles and take care of ourselves along the way.

Session 3 – Understanding emotions

Session three is about helping us understand our children’s emotions and explores the ways we can connect more deeply and gain understanding of what might be going on beneath the surface.

Session 4 – Understanding behaviour

Session four is about understanding our children’s behaviour, encouraging the behaviour we want and responding to the behaviour we don’t want.

Session 5 – Understanding the world of a preschooler

Session five looks at some of the common challenges of parenting preschoolers, and parenting tools that offer helpful support.

Session 6 – Understanding a culture of connection

Session six looks at the power of play and the value of having routines and rituals, as well as providing an opportunity to reflect on the dream we have for our children.

UNDERSTANDING LOVE AND CONNECTION

^ Welcome to the course

^ Love and connection

^ Different ways to build connection

UNDERSTANDING YOURSELF AS A PARENT

^ Atmosphere

^ Parenting styles

^ Getting our children on board

^ Looking after yourself

UNDERSTANDING EMOTIONS

^ Understanding emotions

^ A Parent Coach approach to emotions

^ Ages and stages

UNDERSTANDING BEHAVIOUR

^ Understanding behaviour

^ A Parent Coach approach to behaviour

^ Putting it into action

^ Getting all the adults on board

UNDERSTANDING THE WORLD OF A PRESCHOOLER

^ Common challenges

^ The Healthy Mind Platter

UNDERSTANDING A CULTURE OF CONNECTION

^ The power of play

^ Routines and rhythms

^ Pulling it all together

^ Your unique family values

^ Your dream for your child

UNDERSTANDING LOVE AND CONNECTION

SESSION GOAL

Understand the importance of seeing the good things about our children and how significant it is that we strengthen our connection with them.

SESSION OVERVIEW

^ Welcome to the course

^ Love and connection

^ Different ways to build connection

Karakia

Welcome to the course

E te Atua Whakatōngia to manaakitanga

ki roto i a mātou mahi

Hei kākano mō te puāwai o ngā whānau o Aotearoa

Aroha atu Aroha mai Āmine

The guiding principles of this course

These values are at the heart of everything we do –We respect parents

God Bless our work

So that our families may flourish Love is given Love is received Amen

• We believe parents are the most important people in a child’s life

• We don’t pass judgement

• We want you to feel safe

• We want to give you skills and tools that work

• We want you to have fun

Welcome

Nau mai, haere mai. Welcome. We’re super excited to have you joining us for this Toolbox course. My name is Dave, and I’m a dad. As you know and as I know, being a parent or a caregiver is one of the most rewarding things you’ll ever do in your life – but you probably also know it’s one of the most difficult, frustrating and stressful things you’ll probably ever do as well. Let’s just say that before I became a parent, I had a lot more hair.

This course has been designed especially for you. We’ve drawn on insights from the latest research all over the world, and we’ve drawn from the wisdom and experience that we have after working with families for over 25 years, and we’ve done that to bring you the best tips, tricks and skills for parenting today in Aotearoa.

Now, right at the very beginning, I want to say something really important. You are already a better parent than you think you are. Now I understand that if you’re anything like me, you might be hearing that going “Mmm, you don’t know me.”

Because I know for me, I focus on all the things I’m getting wrong, all the things I wish I’d done better, rather than focusing on all the things that I might be getting right.

But, the fact that you’re here doing this course about parenting is a really good sign that you are on the right track. There is nothing more important than our kids, and you won’t regret investing in your relationship with them.

By the end of this Toolbox course, we hope that you feel more confident, inspired and capable to navigate the days when everything’s going well, and the days when everything is going wrong – and there’s a lot of those days. You know those days, when your kid’s driving you crazy, the house is a mess, you’ve lost your keys in the fridge somehow.

So, nau mai, haere mai, we’re so happy to have you here with us.

Love and connection

Thinking about your family

What are the things you enjoy about your child at the moment?

What are some things about your child which you find challenging or tricky?

We all experience challenging behaviours from time to time – maybe all the time – and it can be easy to forget the things that we actually love about the preschool age and stage. When things are challenging at your place, try to remember some of the things that you love about your child.

Love and connection

Our belly button is a lovely reminder of the time when we were literally attached to our mums. We were warm, safe, comfortable… and everything we needed just came whizzing down that umbilical cord. And then it happened – childbirth! I can’t even imagine it, it would have been traumatic. Actually it was so traumatic, that it rendered me speechless for an entire year. We’ll move on.

Fortunately, after birth, something replaces that umbilical cord. A new cord, something stronger, something that can last a lifetime. A cord of reliable, responsive love. Our babies learn that when they have a need for food, or comfort or a cuddle, there is someone there for them. When they feel a need, their stress might go up a little, so they tug on the cord, usually by crying and Mum or some other reliable caregiver meets their need and their stress goes back down. It’s a little dance, back and forth, and that’s how a child feels secure and safe. As they grow, the dance widens out, the cord of love stretches, it attaches to other carers as well but it never breaks.

In the same way that you make a rope stronger by winding in extra strands, you create stronger attachment by weaving extra strands into the cord of love, extra ways of showing your love. I might already be great at showing my love through words but maybe I need to add a strand of physical closeness. I could make it even stronger with the thread of time together and also weave in doing some things for my child. The threads of love can come from my words, my eyes, my hands, my pocket, they can even come from my kitchen. Remember what this cord of love is for – it’s not to tie our kids down or limit them – it can hold us tight together when we need to be tight, but it can also be let loose, let out, when our kids need more independence. They can move off into their own adventures, and if that cord is strong, they will still hold on tight. You know to get them up or pull them through something, but ultimately that cord is always there and it always keeps them connected. So my belly button reminds me of my first vital attachment and it reminds me how much my kids need to be vitally connected to me.

The circle of security

I need you to support my exploration, watch over me, delight in me, help me, enjoy with me

I need you to welcome my coming to you, protect me, comfort me, delight in me, organise my feelings

The circle of security shows us that children have two main needs. They have a need for exploration and independence, and they have a need for comfort and closeness. Children thrive when their parents recognise which need their child is expressing and offer support that fits that need.

When children are exploring their world and asserting their independence, they need their parent to allow them the freedom to do that safely. Parents can watch over their child, can share in the child’s delights and discoveries, and can offer help or support when the child needs it. In this way, the parents are the secure base from which the child explores the world and develops their capabilities.

Sometimes children become tired, scared, hurt or overwhelmed in the course of their exploring, and they will return to their parent for closeness and comfort. At this time, the parent becomes their safe haven. Parents can help soothe their child’s emotions, and offer comfort and protection, providing rest and reassurance until the child feels ready to take on the world again.

This cycle goes on continuosly, and as the child experiences their needs being met reliably and predictably, the relationship between child and parent is strengthened. The child develops a deep sense that they can depend on their parent, that the world is a safe place, and that they, the child, are worthy and competent. This belief leads to flourishing - they can achieve their potential, and they can develop fulfilling relationships with others.

How do you feel when your child wants to go out to explore?

How do you feel when your child comes to you for safety and comfort?

Different ways to build connection

Soul food

Bread, milk, cheese, dog food, cat food, goldfish food. Oh! Woman’s Day. Better get the essentials. Soul food! Words words words words words words words? Here we go. What have we got here? Words. “My heart is full of love and affection for you.” “You’re a fine son and I’m very proud of you.” Hmmm. Nah, too spicy for my whānau. Ah, this looks good. What’s it say? “Choice. Tumeke. Kid, you’re alright!” Excellent. I’ll grab a couple of those. This stuff looks cheap. “You’re a hōhā.” “You’re useless.” It’s junk food.

Ah, this is interesting. Touch. Hugs often. See some people think this should be in the baby section but everybody needs some of this. Good healthy touch, kisses, pats on the back, arm around the shoulder. This is good ahi to build them up I reckon. But some people are a bit scared of this stuff because there’s been some poisonous touching, terrible abuse and that’s tragic. But be brave and sensitive and people with aroha and good hearts will do it right. You know, all sorts of good stuff in here. Friendly play fights, good morning hugs. Yeah I’ll get some of them. My girls like that. Actually my boys do too if nobody’s looking. Oh, hang on. This will be good for the boys! Tousling of the hair. Very nice! Oh, what about this one? Mirimiri, traditional Māori massage. Actually don’t know much about that but I reckon you gotta try something new all the time aye? Ha! Awesome! Okay…

Oh, what’s that? Gifts, yes! Say, kids love these. In fact everybody loves these. But you see they’re like dessert or lollies. Very nice but not as important as some of this other stuff. See it’s too easy to give the gift and think you’ve done all the loving you need to do. Actually, I’m not gonna get this today.

Aha! Aye, now this is a big section – very popular with the cuzzybros! It’s doing stuff for people, helping out, putting down the hāngi, volunteering at the disco. Now, here’s something for the kids – fixing their stuff, helping them with homework, making them some kai. Just looking really. Ah, time. See kids love it when you spend time with them. Oh, here’s an old favourite. Child watches father while father watches TV. Well I’ve done a bit of that. Now, anyway, here’s all the good quality stuff.

Sit down with child on the knee and read them a story. Cool! Now something for the teenagers… here we go. Sit on their bed at night and have a little kōrero. Don’t stir too much. Do lots of listening. See, time. It’s not just a treat, it’s what keeps them going. Love it!

Checkout operator: You’ve got a lot of good things here. Are you going to use all of it?

Pio: I’m gonna use all this stuff everyday!

Checkout operator: Good healthy choices.

You know this soul food’s not very expensive but boy, what an investment aye?

Soul food – adapted from Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, The Five Love Languages of Children. Sydney: Strand Publishing, 2000.

Building connection through our words

Amazing things happen when we say positive and uplifting things to our children. Catching children doing the right thing and praising them for it will increase their self-worth and they will become more and more confident. It will also help both us and them to feel more connected to each other.

What are some ways that you currently build connection through words?

Put a tick on the circle below that represents how you speak to your child.

Mostly give critique

Mostly give compliments

No matter where you placed yourself on the scale, it is great to know that there is always room to improve. It really changes the atmosphere in your home when you are saying positive things to your child more often than telling them off.

WHAT

COULD YOU SAY?

• “Great sharing”

• “You are so kind”

• “Thanks for helping Mummy”

• “Great listening”

• “Well done, you washed your hands” “YAY! You went to the potty all by yourself!”

• “WOOHOO! You put your shoes on!”

• “Awesome, you got your toothbrush ready” “You remembered your inside voice. Good job” (whisper this one)

• “You remembered your drink bottle, well done!”

• “Great work, you shut the door gently”

Think of something positive that you have noticed about your child. Write a compliment that you could give them this week.

Not everyone finds praise easy. Some of us find it much easier to point out what our kids are doing wrong than we do to point out what they are doing right (this can be true for our partner too), but what we know is that kids crave positive reinforcement. So, keep telling them what they are doing well.

Building connection through our touch

We are wired for touch. We experience a flood of feel-good hormones when we give and receive loving touch, and the same is true for our kids. But not everyone finds touch easy. Some people didn’t have much positive touch as a child and sometimes they find touch hard when they are a parent. Some parents find themselves feeling all ‘touched-out’ during the preschool years, especially if your child is sleeping in your bed, you are breastfeeding a baby, and your kids keep walking in when you are on the toilet.

What are some ways that you currently build connection with your child through touch?

Put a tick on the circle below that represents how often you hug/high-five/tickle etc your child.

Hardly ever All the time

No matter where you placed yourself on the scale, it is great to know that there is always room to improve. There are many different types of positive touch that you can use to help your child feel loved and build connection.

WHAT COULD YOU DO?

• Brush their hair (nicely)

• Wash their hair (carefully)

• Do their hair (more creatively than a pony tail)

• Snuggles in bed in the morning

Read a book with them on your knee

• Hold hands and spin

• Lie on your back and make them fly on your feet

Let them climb up you

• Let them brush your hair

• Let them give you a makeover

• Dance with them standing on your feet

• Lift them up and dance with them

• Make up a secret handshake

• Piggy back rides

• Make them fly like an aeroplane

• Lift them like you are doing a bench press

Give them a back rub

• Horsey rides

• Teach them how to do a wheelbarrow (hold their legs so that they are walking on their hands)

• Lift them under their arms like you are a forklift

• Give them a ride on your shoulders

• Throw them up in the air – and catch them!

• Gently squeeze their hand three times to represent I – Love - You

• Rough and tumble on the floor

Think about some positive types of touch that you could try with your child this week.

Not everyone finds touch easy. It’s okay if you don’t like having cold feet kicking you in the middle of the night – whether they belong to your preschooler or anyone else! What is important is that we find ways to show our kids that we love them through positive touch.

Building connection through our gifts

The way that a gift shows love isn’t actually the gift itself – although gifts are awesome. A gift communicates love because it shows that someone was thinking about you, knows you and got you something they think you will like. What a great way to feel loved. If your child shows such joy in bringing you a flower they have picked from the garden or the play dough cake they have made at kindy, this is a good indication that gifts could be your child’s love language.

What are some ways that you currently build connection through gifts?

Put a tick on the circle below that represents how often you give gifts to your child.

Hardly ever All the time

No matter where you placed yourself on the scale, it is great to know that there is always room to improve. It might mean giving gifts slightly less often, or it might mean giving gifts slightly more often.

WHAT COULD YOU DO?

• Get them a book which you will read to them

• Buy them one of their favourite treats and share it with them

• Get them water balloons and then have a water fight

• Collect things they can build creations out of

• Create a photo book for them containing familiy photos

• Pick them some flowers and put them in their room

• Buy some Duplo and build with them

• Paint a rock and give it to them

• Collect shells at the beach and put them in a jar

• Make them a rocket/castle/car out of boxes

Draw them a picture

Think about a gift that you could give your child this week.

The gift doesn’t have to be expensive, but it will feel way more like a gift if you wrap it up or put a ribbon around it. This will make some preschoolers feel very special.

Building connection through our helping

You might feel like this is ALL you do at the preschool age. Letting our young children help can be frustrating – it is usually easier if we just do most of the things that need to get done ourselves. But, taking the time to help our kids learn new skills can actually help our kids feel connected and cared for.

What are some ways that you currently build connection through helping?

Put a tick in the circle below that represents how often you let your child help you do something that would be easier to do yourself.

Hardly ever All the time

No matter where you placed yourself on the scale, it is great to know that there is always room to improve. It might mean being a bit more patient and putting your to-do list on hold for a moment.

WHAT COULD YOU DO?

• Help them learn how to bake cookies

• Help them learn how to tie their own shoes

• Help them clean their room

• Organise a playdate for them

• Help them put their toys away

• Help them learn how to swing by themselves

• Help them pick flowers from the garden

• Make their favourite dinner

• Help them feed the pets

• Help them set the set table

Help them make a sandwich

• Take them to a different playground in the weekend

What is something that you could let your child help you with this week?

It can be frustrating to watch our kids try to tie their shoes for the 48th time when we could have had their shoes on and tied four minutes ago. But patiently helping our preschoolers learn new skills and have fun experiences is an important way to help them feel connected.

Building connection through our time

One of the things our preschoolers want most from us is our attention. “Dad, look at this”, “Mum, watch me!”, “Dad, look at my new trick!”, “Mum, look at my drawing” “Dad, Mum, Dad, Mum. MUMMMM!!!” Does this sound familiar? These requests for our attention happen so frequently that after a while it becomes pretty easy to tune them out. But our kids feel loved when they have our full attention, when we notice what matters to them. When we pay attention to our kids, we actually teach them that they matter to us.

What are some ways that you currently build connection through time?

Put a tick in the circle below that represents how often you give your child your full attention.

No matter where you placed yourself on the scale, it is great to know that there is always room to improve. It might mean that you need to stop doing what you are doing, walk to their room and look at the masterpiece that they have made out of blocks or play dough.

WHAT COULD YOU DO?

When they ask for your attention, give it to them

• Spend less time on your phone

• Go into their room to see their latest drawing

When they show you something, actually stop and look at it

• Look into their eyes when you are talking to them

• Get on the floor and play cars/dolls/cats/dogs with them

• Listen to them attempt to describe something that happened at kindy

• Give them a cuddle when they are upset

• Smile at them when they do something cute

• Talk to them about what you are doing when you are getting them dressed

• Respond to them when they talk to you, and stay engaged

• Go for bike rides or walks

• Ask them what they can see/hear/smell/feel

• Put them on your back and pretend they are missing and you are looking for them

How are you going to give your time and attention to your child this week?

Our kids feel loved and cherished and know that they matter when we are fully present with them. Sometimes this may mean giving 10 seconds of our time to put down our book (okay, phone) and really notice what they’re showing us, and sometimes this may mean carving out more time each day to join our kids in their play. It’s never too late to pretend to be a mermaid princess unicorn in your preschooler’s made-up world. Your kids will remember it forever.

SUMMARY

There are heaps of good things about having children, but there are some challenging things as well. There are so many ideas in this session that can make a significant and positive difference to your relationship with your child. Give some of them a try!

In this session we looked at –

^ Love and connection

^ Different ways to build connection

TAKEAWAY

Pick one or two ideas from the list above and write down how you will apply them this week.

UNDERSTANDING YOURSELF AS A PARENT

SESSION GOAL

Understand different parenting styles and identify which style we use most. Consider different tools for gaining cooperation from our children and explore ways to prioritise our well-being.

SESSION OVERVIEW

^ Atmosphere

^ Parenting styles

^ Getting our children on board

^ Looking after yourself

Atmosphere

One of the most important parts of parenting is paying attention to the atmosphere of our home. The atmosphere is how our home makes our children feel. We can sweeten it up with fun, jokes and giving each other our full attention, or we can make it a bit sour by not treating each other with kindness or respect.

What are some of the things children do that can make the atmosphere less pleasant?

What are some of the things we do as parents that negatively impact the atmosphere?

What are some things you have done in the past to create a warm atmosphere?

What are you doing now to create a warm atmosphere?

Things you can do to sweeten the atmosphere in your family

INSIDE

Take turns choosing music and dance

• Make cookies together and let your kids lick the bowl

• Read them a story

Put their pictures on the fridge (and pretend they are the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel)

• Make a hut using boxes/blankets/tables - and then have an indoor picnic!

• Make play dough together (it’s easier than you might think)

OUTSIDE...

• Take them out for a fluffy

• Draw pictures on the driveway with chalk

• Go for a walk and collect autumn leaves or pebbles

• Go to the beach and collect shells/driftwood

• Plant some seeds in the garden

• Create a treasure hunt in the backyard

OUR ACTIONS...

Speak kindly and respectfully

• Give them choices (do you want this or that?)

• Distract them instead of directing them (if they are crying about their toys, grab their favourite book and start reading it)

• Have realistic expectations of them (and yourself) Give them lots of hugs

• Make sure they are in bed early (this might be good for you too)

• And, sometimes... forgetting about the to-do list and just being present with your kids is the best thing you can do

Pick two or three things from the list that you would like to try over the next couple of weeks, and write them down.

Be a thermostat, not a thermometer

THERMOSTAT

THERMOMETER

A thermostat controls the temperature, whereas a thermometer simply reflects it. For example, if our child yells and we yell back, we are being a thermometer. If our child gets grumpy and we get grumpier, we are only amplifying the mood set by our child.

Try to be a thermostat – monitoring the atmosphere with our calmness and maturity and setting a more comfortable temperature. If the temperature gets too hot or too cold, we can decide what to do to bring back the balance.

What is something your child does that turns you into a thermometer?

What is something you can do which helps you to shift from being a thermometer to a thermostat?

IN OUR FAMILY WE…

“In our family we...” is another way to create a positive family atmosphere. These four words can help to create an atmosphere of belonging, and also encourage our children to learn to respect our family values and expectations. The key idea is to tell our kids what we want them to do, rather than telling them what we don’t want them to do.

• “In our family we use gentle hands”

• “In our family we use an inside voice when we are inside”

• “In our family we are nice to the dog”

• “In our family we say please and thank you”

Write something that you often tell your children not to do as a positive “In our family we...” statement.

Parenting styles

Parent types

Tony: Style. Some people have got it and some people don’t.

Liz: Actually, we’ve all got it.

Tony: Actually, we’ve all got it.

Liz: We may not have good...

Tony: (starts echoing her exact words) We may not have good…

Liz: I’ve got this. We may not have good style. But we still have a style. Whether it be hipster

Tony: Gangster

Liz: Corporate

Tony: Bogan

Liz: Outdoor

Tony: Or just casual.

Liz: And parenting is the same. We all have a parenting style. But we may not know our own style.

Tony: And we may not know what parenting style is best. Luckily we have an entire research facility devoted to testing this.

Liz: Brian Praline is the lead developer in our Artificial Intelligence lab, creating the world’s first Robodads and Robomums.

Brian: I’m about to show you the first model of Robodad in its second phase of testing. It was important that we got the look of this model just right so we spent a long time coming up with a face that is friendly, and warm while still being naturally attractive. This is Robodad 302. Today we are about to trial two very important settings. The first is Love and Connection and the second is Rules and Structure. As you can see, right now Robodad 302 is in a common domestic scenario. In this first test we’ve turned his Rules and Structure setting right up and his Love and Connection setting right down. He seems to be functioning perfectly well right now but let’s see what happens when we add some stress to the situation.

Robodad: Oh you’ve done it again! What were you thinking? I told you to hold on tightly. Don’t you listen to a word I say? Right, there’ll be no juice for you for the next two days.

Brian: Ah yes, we’ve seen this behavior pattern before. It’s what we call Sergeant Major

parenting. Lots of rules, not many reasons for the rules, and no emotional connection. (An alarm sounds) Looks like he’s overheating. Better pull the plug before he blows. Okay. This time we’re going to turn the Rules and Structure setting right down and the Love and Connection setting right up. Let’s take a look at what happens.

Robodad: Oh no! You’ve spilt the juice. That’s okay, don’t cry about it. I think what we should do is if you are really upset, you shouldn’t do your homework today. I’ll write a note for the teacher and you can just relax tonight. How about you go and sit on the couch and turn the TV on. I’ll bring you some more juice and snacks. Off you go, good girl.

Brian: This looks like a classic example of Jellyfish parenting. Lots of love but unable to make rules or if he does make rules, he’s unable to enforce them. He’s very easily manipulated because he fears that his child will be displeased and not love him back. Let’s shut this scenario down. This time we’re adjusting both settings all the way down.

Girl: Dad! Dad! Dad!

Brian: No matter what stimuli we throw at him, Robodad won’t pay attention to his daughter.

Daughter: Dad, I crashed the car!

Robodad: That’s great honey, good for you.

Brian: And in our last test, we’re turning both settings up to the maximum.

Robodad: Oh dear, you’ve got a problem. That’s okay. You’re a clever kid. Here’s a cloth. I’ll give you a couple of minutes and come back to see how you’re getting on but I reckon you can sort this out no trouble.

Brian: This is what we like to call the Parent Coach. The child is being treated with love and respect whilst also expected to take some responsibility for their actions. This is exactly the type of parenting we’re aiming to simulate. So we’ll be saving those settings and moving onto the third phase of testing.

Robodad: Hey! Who are you? What are you doing in my house? Get away from my daughter.

Parenting with connection and rules

Reflect on these statements and then place yourself on the following scales.

I show physical affection to my child

I ask my child for their opinion

I make time to have fun with my child

I let my child know that I understand how they feel

I celebrate my child’s achievements with them

Hardly ever

Hardly ever

Hardly ever

Hardly ever

Hardly ever Most

I have clear rules and expectations for my child Hardly ever Most of the time

I stick to my word, even if my child gets upset when I say ‘no’ Hardly ever Most of the time

I expect that my child follows the rules Hardly ever Most of the time

I am consistent in following through Hardly ever Most of the time

I offer my child input in the rules and expectations I set Hardly ever Most of the time

My default parenting style

Having reflected on your parenting, put a mark on the graph that represents how you parent the majority of the time.

Where are you on this graph? I put myself here because…

Parent Coach Sergeant Major

Jellyfish

Why do you think this has become your default style? I think I parent like this because…

What are some of the similarities between your parenting and that of your parents?

What are some of the differences between your parenting and that of your parents?

Qualities of a Parent Coach

How does a great coach encourage the team and build a positive atmosphere?

What does a great coach do if a player makes a mistake or lacks a skill?

What attributes of a great coach could you apply to your parenting?

A Parent Coach is intentional about how they respond to their child – they don’t just react. First, they take a deep breath; then they get curious about what is really going on for their child. After that, they are much more equipped to respond like a coach. It isn’t always easy, but it is a skill that we can all practise.

Getting our children on board

No matter what our parenting style, it can sometimes be tricky to get our children on board, especially with things like helping around the house or following the family rules. But how we ask can make a difference!

A REQUEST

• “Could you please help me put away the toys?”

• “Can you please get your shoes from your room?”

“Could you feed the cat?”

If we start with “Could you” or “Can you”, expect the answer to sometimes be, “No, I can’t” (especially if you don’t have a cat). At that point we might find ourself in a negotiation.

A DEMAND

• “Put away the toys”

• “Get your shoes”

• “Feed the cat”

Let’s be honest – no one responds well to a demand.

“BEFORE YOU…”

“Before you go and play outside, please help me put away your toys”

• “Before you hop in the buggy, please get your shoes from your room”

• “Before you play with your toys, please feed the cat.”

Learning to use “Before you...” will help with getting cooperation. The “Before you...” tool makes it clear to our children that the task isn’t up for negotiation, but the timeframe can be.

Write down an example of a “Before you...” statement you could use with your child.

“YES, WHEN...”

As a parent, we want to say “Yes” as often as we can, so that when we say “No” it carries more weight. But that doesn’t mean that every “Yes” is unconditional. When our children are asking if they can do things, try saying “Yes, when…”.

• “Can I play on the trampoline?” “Yes, when you have tidied up your toys”

• “Can we go to the park?” “Yes, when you’ve had your nap”

• “Can I have some ice cream?” “Yes, when you’ve eaten all your spaghetti”

Write down a “Yes, when...” statement that you could use with your child if they ask to watch TV.

Over the next few weeks we will continue to look at tools we can use to be a Parent Coach more often. Remember, change is hard – it’s much easier to stay the same. So, while we are learning to use new tools, it is important to look after ourselves. Change takes energy, so how do we look after our energy levels?

Looking after yourself

Emotional tank

Imagine I have a tank inside of me. This is my emotional tank. It gets filled up when people are kind to me, when they smile and listen, or include me in their group. It gets filled up when I rest or I achieve things or when nice things happen to me. Then my tank is full, and I feel good, and I am able to make good decisions. I can even handle a little bit of criticism and correction without feeling too bruised. But sometimes my tank leaks. If people are rude, ignore me or cut me off on the motorway, or if I’m tired and hungry, some of those good feelings begin to drain away. When I am empty I don’t feel good, I don’t make good decisions and even well-intentioned advice feels harsh and critical. Our children have got emotional tanks too. So, if your child’s emotional tank is empty, even the best parenting techniques just don’t seem to work. Picture your child walking through the door after a long day at school. As he opens the door, he’s met with – “DON’T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT GETTING IN THAT REFRIGERATOR, GET STRAIGHT DOWN TO YOUR ROOM AND SORT OUT THAT MESS. HAVE YOU SEEN THAT? WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM? YOUR SERVANT OR SOMETHING?”

Now naturally this is completely justified and you’ve been waiting to do this all day. But give the frustration a rest. Let’s face it, he’s been doing life on his own all day. He’s tired and hungry, his emotional tank is drained, so that sort of parenting just isn’t going to work. An approach that might work is to top him up a bit – perhaps literally by giving him some food. But it might also be space or your attention. When he’s refilled you can say – “Hey, mate. Your bedroom is a bit of a mess. I want you to deal with that before dinner, okay?” This response will come far more naturally if your own tank is full. So, what fills your tank?

Hauora

Hauora is a term which describes a Māori understanding of our holistic well-being. Sir Mason Durie explains this concept through the Te Whare Tapa Whā model, where the four main areas of our well-being are likened to the four walls of a house or whare. These four walls are:

• Taha Whānau – our relational well-being;

• Taha Wairua – our spiritual well-being;

• Taha Tinana – our physical well-being; and

• Taha Hinengaro – our mental and emotional well-being.

An important feature of hauora is that each area or ‘wall’ is interconnected, with the health of each part affecting the health of the others. This model helps us to understand that health is much more than just our physical welllness. If we don’t take care of all aspects of our hauora, our view of ourselves and others, our behaviour and even our parenting can be affected.

Taha Whānau RELATIONAL WELL-BEING

Taha Hinengaro MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL WELL-BEING

Taha Tinana PHYSICAL WELL-BEING

Taha Wairua SPIRITUAL WELL-BEING

Hauora – adapted from Mason Durie, Whaiora: Māori Health Development, 2nd Edition. Oxford: Oxford University Press, 1998.

Physical Tinana

IDEAS

• moving

• eating well sleep

• walking in nature sport

• dance

Mental Hinengaro

• learning

• music

• art

• reading

• reflecting

• creativity

WHAT DO YOU CURRENTLY DO TO TOP UP YOUR TANK?

WHAT ELSE COULD YOU DO?

Social Whānau

• spending quality time with your partner

• investing in friendships

• volunteering

Spiritual Wairua mindfulness

• meditation

• prayer

SUMMARY

We have explored different styles of parenting and considered ways we can interact with our children in a Parent Coach style. Setting a sweet atmosphere and getting our children on board will be easier for us to do with a full emotional tank.

In this session we looked at –

^ Atmosphere

^ Parenting styles

^ Getting our children on board

^ Looking after yourself

TAKEAWAY

Pick one or two ideas from the list above and write down how you will apply them this week.

UNDERSTANDING EMOTIONS

SESSION GOAL

Explore ways we can deeply connect with our child by learning to listen to and understand their emotions.

SESSION OVERVIEW

^ Understanding emotions

^ A Parent Coach approach to emotions

^ Ages and stages

Understanding emotions

All of us have emotions. In fact, all of us have emotions all the time. Some emotions are super nice, like happiness or feeling excited, or that feeling you have when you are really hungry and then you eat something that you really like eating. That feeling is the best. But we also experience unpleasant feelings, like fear, anger and sadness, and that feeling you get when you realise that you’ve lost your keys... again.

Understanding how our emotions affect us can help us to think about how our child’s emotions impact them.

Big feelings and your brain

We all have emotions, all the time. Some people call them emotions, some people call them feelings, some people call them.... well.... most people just call them emotions or feelings. You might be super aware of all of your emotions, or you might only be aware of a couple... like not feeling angry and feeling angry. But the truth is that all of us have heaps of feelings all of the time. Come with me, I want to show you what I mean.

Scene 1: Someone sitting at a table with another person eating with their mouth open.

Pio: Look at this young wāhine – eating with her mouth open. That must be so annoying.

Scene 2: Someone trying to use a remote, only to realise someone else has stolen the batteries.

Pio: Ah yes, time for the big game. Get yourself comfortable. Oh, looks like the kids have taken the batteries.

Scene 3: A kid asking over and over again “Are we there yet?”.

I am sure that some of those situations made you feel some emotions, or at least some feelings. I don’t know if that makes sense. Anyway. As we grow up we all learn different ways to cope with our emotions. Some of them are helpful, some of them are unhelpful.

Scene 1: The person watching someone eat with their mouth open suddenly starts angrily eating their own lunch with their hands and getting it all over their face.

Scene 2: The person trying to watch TV starts throwing cushions at the ground and tearing one completely apart.

Scene 3: After the kid has asked over and over again “Are we there yet”, the person say “No we’re not there yet and I know it’s hard to wait, but you’re just going to have to be a bit patient.”

You might think of yourself as an emotional person, or you might not. But we all have emotions, all the time. And how we cope with our emotions will have a big impact on how our kids cope with their emotions.

How were strong emotions handled in your family when you were a child?

What are some unhelpful things you do when you feel angry? Sad? Anxious?

What are some helpful things you do to manage your own strong emotions?

How do you react when your child is experiencing strong emotions?

Now that we have reflected on how our experiences and emotions can impact us, let’s think about how our children’s experiences and emotions impact them.

Try being a feelings detective

While you are at work, at home or staring at other people in traffic jams, try to pause and reflect. Put on your detective hat and see if you can notice what people are feeling. This might sound a bit strange, but taking time to think about what other people might be feeling can actually make you way more attuned to your own emotions, as well as those of others.

Common responses to emotions

1. DISMISSING

Sometimes our children’s feelings can make us feel so uncomfortable that we find it easier to tell them that their feelings are silly or unimportant.

We might say things like...

• “It’s not a big deal”

• “It’s not that bad”

• “You’ll be alright”

• “I don’t have time for you to tell me about how sad it was that you put up your hand and the teacher didn’t pick you, it doesn’t matter!”

Can you think of a time when you have taken this approach?

2. DISAPPROVING

Sometimes we interpret our children’s big emotions as disrespectful, so we can end up threatening them or punishing them for experiencing strong feelings.

We might say things like...

• “If you are going to cry, you can go to your room”

• “You are behaving like a three-year-old, grow up”

• “If you get upset, there will be consequences!”

• “What are you even crying about?”

Can you think of a time when you have taken this approach?

3. IGNORING

Sometimes we just don’t know what to do about big emotions, so we end up doing nothing – and we tend to encourage our kids to do the same! So, instead of helping our kids cope, we might teach them that big emotions are just something to ignore or get over. When our children are upset or angry or scared, we might leave them in that feeling and do little to help.

We might think...

• “There is nothing I can do to change my child’s feelings”

• “Their feelings will settle down eventually”

Can you think of a time when you have taken this approach?

Which one of these reactions is the most familiar to you?

What do you think your child learns about their emotions when you react to them in that way?

A Parent Coach approach to emotions

Taking a Parent Coach approach to managing our child’s emotions is a far more positive way to help our children learn how to cope with their emotions. Coaching can help our children to understand themselves and it supports their ability to regulate their emotions. It can also reduce challenging behaviours like tantrums, slamming doors and the yelling of things like “I wish I had never been born!”

A Parent Coach approach begins with choosing how we are going to respond to our child. Instead of ignoring, dismissing, disapproving or running away from our child, we instead choose to connect with them and coach them through their emotions

So, how do we do this?

A Parent Coach approach to emotions

When you have a preschooler, the mood can change pretty quickly. One minute you’ve got a happy and calm little person living their best life; the next minute they’re upset and screaming and their whole world has fallen apart. Picture this scene.

This poor little guy has lost his balloon. We can all imagine that that’s heart-breaking for a kid. And we can probably all imagine the meltdown that results. A disappointed preschooler with their big feelings out on public display! Possibly a scene many of us are very familiar with...

As parents, we have choices in how we respond in these moments. We could choose to ignore our child, to desperately shuuussh them, or even to join them in the tantrum! However, none of these will be that effective in calming a child with strong emotions – or calming ourselves, for that matter! Alternatively, we can choose to connect with our child and support them using the Parent Coach approach to emotions.

First step – take a deep breath. Take several in fact! Oxygen is a gift to the brain and nervous system. Pausing to breathe also gives us a chance to reflect on how we really want to engage with our child... rather than running away to hide behind the seesaw, which may have been our first idea.

Secondly – be curious. Curiosity helps us find out what is going on for our child under the surface. There’s probably more to the story than simply a lost balloon. Ask yourself: “Are they hungry?”, “Did something unsettle them at kindy this morning?”, “Are they tired and a bit overwhelmed after a trip to the circus where the slightly scary clown was handing out free balloons?”

Next, try naming your child’s feelings for them. Giving the big feelings a name makes them less scary, and helps a child make sense of their emotions. Ask questions and offer some gentle suggestions – they’ll soon let you know if you’re on the right track or not. Something

Emotion coaching – adapted from John Gottman and Joan DeClaire, The Heart of Parenting: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1997.

like... “Sounds like you’re really sad.”, “I bet you feel disappointed that your balloon has flown away. It was a great balloon.”, “Maybe you got a fright when it disappeared so quickly?” and “I wonder if you feel a bit embarrassed too that you let it go in front of everyone...?”

And the next step is empathy – show your child that you understand how they’re feeling, and that those feelings are normal. You could say: “Oh buddy, that’s so sad. I would feel really upset if I lost my balloon too. Let’s go home and draw some pictures of your balloon –off on its whirlwind adventure!”

Taking a Parent Coach approach to emotions doesn’t need to be complicated – it’s really just about connection and empathy. When our kids feel seen and heard, they soon feel a whole lot better. So, remember these four simple steps: Take a breath, be curious, name their feelings, and empathise. And maybe keep a spare pack of balloons handy too.

TAKE ONE

Parent gives their child some yoghurt and tells them to eat at the table. The child takes their yoghurt, pats the dog and spills the yoghurt all over the floor. The child bursts into tears.

Parent: I have told you a million times, eat at the table!”

Child: I am!

Parent: No you’re not, you were patting the dog and you spilt your yoghurt on the floor.

Child: No I didn’t.

Parent: It’s right there! The dog is eating it and he is lactose intolerant! I am running late! I told you to sit at the table!

Child: (still crying)

Parent: If you had sat at the table, you wouldn’t be crying!

Child: (still crying) I want more yoghurt!

TAKE TWO – A PARENT COACH APPROACH

Parent gives their child some yoghurt and tells them to eat at the table. The child takes their yoghurt, pats the dog and spills the yoghurt all over the floor. The child bursts into tears.

The parent takes a deep breath and uses this moment to put their strong emotions aside, choosing to connect with the child.

Parent: Oh no – you’ve spilled your yoghurt on the carpet. That’s made you really upset”

Child: (calming a little) Mmhhhmmm... my yoghurt!

Parent: I bet you feel sad that you’ve spilt it and you can’t eat it. I wonder if it gave you a fright when it landed on the carpet?

Child: Uh oh... I made a mess!

Parent: Yeah, it’s a big mess isn’t it. What can we do to make it better?

Child: Vacuum it.

Parent: That’s good thinking, we do need to clean it up, but I think we’ll use paper towels. And what’s our rule about eating yoghurt?

Child: In our family we eat at the table.

Parent: That’s right. Well, at least the dog is happy.

How would the child feel in take one? And the parent?

How would the child feel in take two? And the parent?

What did the parent do that made take two feel different?

Taking a Parent Coach approach to emotions

1. TAKE A BREATH

So often, our first response is to react to our kids. But if you want your response to be helpful, then the most important thing to do before you respond to your child is to take a breath. Oxygen is like medicine to the brain. So, taking a breath can give you a moment to pause and reflect on how you would really like to engage with your child.

When your child is doing something super annoying, what feelings do you experience?

What would be the benefits of taking a deep breath before you respond to your child’s challenging behaviours?

Do you have any strategies that help you to stay calm?

2. BE CURIOUS

Curiosity is another way to talk about being a ‘feelings detective’. Yes, your child might be upset about yoghurt, or the dog, or that there are no more raisins, but usually, there is something else going on...

• I wonder why... she’s crying/yelling at her brother/brushing the dog’s teeth with my toothbrush?

• I wonder what... happened at kindy/at Grandma’s house/while I was hiding in the pantry?

• I wonder how... he’s actually feeling right now?

What are some things that your child does that show they are having big feelings?

What might be going on for our kids when they are being ‘naughty’?

The next time that you find yourself reacting to your child, how can you remember to respond with curiosity?

3. NAME THEIR FEELINGS

When your child has big feelings, they struggle to use words or listen to our very logical lecture. As tempting as it is to rush in with solutions to fix the problem, our reassuring presence is what they need. So, get close, speak kindly and offer your support. When we name their emotions and give words to how they are feeling, we are teaching our child to match the feelings in their body with the name of their emotions, which is the beginning of understanding their emotions.

Naming their feelings can begin with statements like...

Are you feeling upset?

• That made you feel really sad/angry

• Sounds like you felt angry/scared/upset

Was that a bit scary/annoying/disappointing?

What are some of the things that stop you from engaging with your child’s big feelings?

What kind of body language and tone would be best when you are responding to your child’s big emotions?

The next time you find yourself reacting to your child’s big feelings, what are some things you could say that could help to name their emotions?

4. EMPATHISE WITH THEM

The next step to respond to our child’s big feelings involves showing empathy and letting them know those feelings are normal and that we understand how they’re feeling.

• I would have felt upset if the dog ate my ice cream too.

• That’s tough, I would have found that hard as well It’s disappointing that you can’t always watch Bob the Builder aye?

• No wonder you felt mad!

• Aww... I know, it’s hard aye.

Why is empathising with our children important?

What could stop you from being empathetic towards your child?

Which of these statements would feel the most natural for you to use?

5. MAINTAIN LIMITS AND PROBLEM-SOLVE IF NEEDED

Sometimes when we name their feelings and empathise with our child’s emotions, the problem goes away because they just needed to feel heard and understood. Sometimes a child has big emotions in response to a rule or limit you have set.

Maintaining limits

A Parent Coach needs to name their child’s feelings and empathise with their disappointment while holding firm on their limit or rule. You can be empathetic while still enforcing your rule.

• It’s okay to feel angry, but in our family, we don’t hit each other.

I know you really want ice cream. Ice cream is for after dinner, not for breakfast.

• I’m sorry you feel sad that I turned off the screen, but you have had your limit for today.

Why is maintaining limits important for our child?

Why do some people find this difficult?

Give an example of a time where you maintained a boundary with empathy?

Problem-solve

After using steps 1–4 you may notice your child’s emotions become less intense. Once this has happened we can work with them to find a solution to their problem. “I know you feel upset that Mia can’t come and play this afternoon, what’s something fun we could do instead?”

Ages and stages

The Reassure-ma-tron

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Dad: My three-month-old always seems to poo as soon as I take their nappy off.

The Reassurematron: It’s normal.

Mum: My two-year-old son only seems to have one volume. LOUD!

The Reassurematron: It’s normal.

Dad: My four-year-old seems to cling to my leg whenever he’s around strangers.

The Reassurematron: It’s normal.

This amazingly advanced technology can be yours today! And if you order in the next five minutes, we’ll throw in this stress reduction device absolutely free. The Reassurematron –because usually you’re not doing anything wrong. You just need to know –

The Reassurematron: It’s normal.

What are some of the funny, quirky things that your child is doing at the moment?

Between the ages of three and five, it is very common for children to have a short attention span, to ask “why?” over and over again and to say “are we there yet?” as soon as you get in the car. It can also be common for children to have imaginary friends, to steal their siblings’ toys and then lie about it. So, before you jump to punishing them for lying about what happened to their sister’s doll, think to yourself “is this normal for preschoolers?”

If you are genuinely worried about your child’s development, talk to your doctor or Well Child provider and ask for some guidelines on developmental ages and stages.

SUMMARY

One of the key features of the preschool years is extreme expressions of emotions. This session encourages us to get curious about how our child is thinking and feeling, and gives us some helpful ways of responding.

In this session we looked at –

^ Understanding emotions

^ Taking a Parent Coach approach to emotions

^ Ages and stages

TAKEAWAY

Pick one or two ideas from the list above and write down how you will apply them this week.

UNDERSTANDING BEHAVIOUR

SESSION GOAL

Explore ways we can encourage behaviours we want and respond effectively to behaviours we don’t want.

SESSION OVERVIEW

^ Understanding behaviour

^ A Parent Coach approach to behaviour

^ Putting it into action

^ Getting all the adults on board

Understanding behaviour

Sometimes we may see our preschooler’s behaviour as naughty, manipulative or attention-seeking, and sometimes we may remember that our preschooler has a developing brain and they are simply working out how to be in the world. How we view our child’s behaviours is important because it will determine how we respond to those behaviours.

How did your parents describe you as a toddler?

What happened to you when you ‘misbehaved’ as a young child?

How is that similar or different to how you want to parent your child?

Preschoolers are crazy in the best kind of way. Their brains and their worlds are growing and changing every single day. Their job as preschoolers is to explore everything in their world as well as every emotion in their brain. This means that no drawer is left unopened, no pet is safe and no behaviour is unexpected. Our preschoolers are very rarely ‘misbehaving’ – they are just behaving like preschoolers.

As we respond to our preschoolers, we will begin to develop parenting patterns. If we don’t pause to think about it, many of us will default to parenting in the same way that we were parented. So how do you become a great parent?

Well, it actually has a lot more to do with the little things that you do now, than the big things that you might do later.

A Parent Coach approach to behaviour

Parents wanted

Child: Ah, you must be Mr and Mrs Bennet, thank you for coming along to the interview, it shouldn’t take too long. Did you find the place alright?

Mum: Yes, no troubles at all.

Child: Good. Good. So as you would have seen in the job ad, I am looking for some new parents. I wasn’t a fan of my previous parents. They had quite an outdated skill set when it came to parenting. They couldn’t even operate an iPad.

(Voice from the kitchen – “I can too” said by the child’s mum, Sally)

Child: You said you would keep quiet, Sally. As I was saying, if you have more relevant skills, you may be lucky enough to get the job as my parents. – So, tell me about yourselves.

Mum: Well for starters, we think that children should always get dessert, even if they don’t finish their dinner.

Dad: AND we don’t believe in bedtimes.

Child: Okay, sounds good so far. I have a few questions for you. If I was to refuse to put pants on before going outside, how would you handle that situation?

Mum: Well, we believe that children know what is best for them, and so, if you didn’t want to wear pants, we wouldn’t make you wear pants.

Dad: Exactly, pants are a social construct!

Child: So you would let me go outside with no pants on.

Mum and Dad: Yes.

Child: In the middle of winter?

Mum: If that is what you thought was best.

Child: Even if it was raining?

Dad: Even if it was raining.

Child: Okay, let’s say that I refused to eat anything except peanut butter sandwiches cut into triangles with no crusts. How would you handle that one?

Mum: Well, we would need to stock up on peanut butter.

Dad: And white bread!

Child: But I don’t think eating only peanut butter sandwiches would be very good for me.

Mum: Ah, but if that’s what you want to eat, then that’s what you should eat.

Dad: We like to avoid conflict. Why would we argue about food when we could just give you peanut butter sandwiches with no crusts.

Mum: And cut into triangles.

Dad: Yes, we mustn’t forget the triangles!

Child: But surely you would love me and want me to be healthy though?

Mum: Well, yesss... of course we would love you. But that doesn’t have to conflict with you getting what you want.

Child: Okay, so to summarise my notes, your approach to ‘parenting’ is to basically give me anything I want, whether it is good for me or not.

Dad: 100%!! (he said very proudly).

Child: Okay. Well thanks for coming in. Unfortunately we will not be progressing with your application. Can you please show yourselves out.

Child: Sally... I mean, Mum?

Sally/Mum: Yes, sweetheart?

Child: Do you feel like re-applying for the role as my mum? You don’t really give me everything I want, which can be quite annoying sometimes, but I like your strategies better than these other applicants.

Sally: I would love to. Let me just get my CV.

In the real world, it’s just not sensible to let our children do whatever they want. Our role as parents is to encourage the behaviours we do want and discourage the behaviours we don’t want. Letting them do whatever they like might minimise the tantrums but it won’t set them up to be happy and healthy children.

The more tools that you have in your toolbox, the better equipped you will be for the task at hand. In your case, the task at hand is a small human who occasionally eats dirt and then gets very upset when you take their dirt off of them. Most of us have a few parenting tools, but not all of our tools are helpful. Yelling, threatening and bribing, for example, probably won’t make your child feel good, and they won’t make you feel good as a parent either.

Setting yourself up for success

Before we start exploring some strategies for getting the behaviours we want, it can be helpful to think about what actions we can take to prevent problems occurring in the first place. Here are some ideas:

1. CHILDPROOF YOUR HOUSE

If you are constantly telling your preschooler not to touch the pot plant, you have three options.

1. Get rid of the pot plant – or just move it.

2. Get rid of your child – or just move them.

3. Keep repeating yourself all day, every day.

If you want to set yourself up for success, then make your physical environment a safe place for your preschooler to explore.

Have you made any changes to your physical environment that have made things easier for you as a parent?

2. FILL YOUR CHILD’S EMOTIONAL TANK

You might have heard it said that kids who feel good, act good. Consider how you can spend time with your child and fill their emotional tank. Have a look back at session one for ideas about building connection.

What types of connection are going well for you at the moment and what could you add?

3. STAY ENGAGED

If you are engaged with your child, then they will have fewer opportunities to get into your make-up or create a piece of artwork on the carpet. It can be really easy to get distracted by your phone, an email or playing your bagpipes, but providing adequate supervision is really important.

What are the things that distract you from knowing what your preschooler is up to? How could you change these?

Can you think of any other ideas to set yourself up for success?

Encouraging the behaviour you want

1. CLEAR SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS

Remember that a Parent Coach is firm and friendly when giving instructions. Get down to your child’s level and quietly communicate the instructions in a way they will understand.

1. Make eye contact.

2. Say your child’s name.

3. Give clear instructions – one at a time is best.

4. Tell them what you want them to do, not what you want them to stop doing.

“Sam, I want you to put your blocks in the bucket.”

• “Hēmi, please put your gumboots on.”

• “Anika, go and get your dinosaur pyjama pants.”

2. PROMPT

Sometimes we need to remind our children of an instruction. This can be catching a child’s eye and raising your eyebrows. Or using a key word like ‘gentle’, ‘manners’ or ‘quietly’. “Quiet voice.”

• Handing them their drink once they’ve said “Thank you”.

• “Anika – pyjamas.”

3. PRAISE

Tell them what they are doing well, when they are doing it well.

• “I love the way you are sharing your toys.”

• “Thank you for helping Mummy this morning.”

• “You are doing so well staying in your bed.”

4. DISTRACTION

Divert the child’s attention towards something else.

• “Look at that digger.”

• “Let’s read a book.”

Start singing Incy Wincy Spider with the actions.

5. SWOOP AND SCOOP

When your child is going to hurt themselves (or others), swoop in and scoop them up. Then, for an added bonus, try using distraction or making them fly like an aeroplane. You would swoop and scoop if:

• They were being too rough with their younger sibling.

• They were riding their trike towards the front steps.

• They were teasing the dog.

6. SET A TIME FRAME

Children need a little time to change from one activity to another. Giving a time frame can make the transition easier, especially if you use a timer.

“We’ll be leaving in two minutes; do you need to do anything before we go?”

• “You are getting out of the bath when the timer goes off in five minutes.”

• “At the end of this video, we’re turning the TV off.”

7. PLAN AHEAD

Think about potential problems in advance and talk to your child about your expectations for their behaviour before you are in that situation.

• “When Grandma arrives, I would like you to say “Hello Grandma.”

• “When it is time to leave, I would like you to get in the car as soon as I ask.”

“What are you going to do after you have played on the iPad?”

8. BE PREPARED

Children can become overwhelmed when they are tired, hungry, bored and lonely. Be prepared for these moments and stay one step ahead.

• Put Snuggly Dog away when a friend comes over if your child doesn’t like sharing their special toys.

• Do your supermarket shopping after your child has had their nap.

• Have a few snacks handy in case your plans run later than you expected.

9. GIVE CHOICES

Parents set the limits of the choice and the child can choose within those limits.

“Shall we read this book or that book?”

• “Would you like to wear your blue or red jumper?”

• “Do you want to tidy away your Lego now or after your bath?”

10. CREATE A ROUTINE

If we do the same things in the same order every time, children come to expect what will happen. For example, bedtime routine might be brush teeth, PJ’s on, story, hug, lights out.

Which of these strategies comes most naturally to you?

Which of these strategies do you find most challenging?

Which of these strategies do you think you could try this week?

Responding to behaviour you don’t want

1. SELECTIVE HEARING

Amazingly, your ears don’t seem to understand requests that are made in a whiny, grizzly or impolite way.

“Sorry Freddy, I don’t understand your grizzly voice.”

• “Please ask again with your kind voice.”

• “I can’t understand questions that don’t have a magic word.”

2. THE BROKEN RECORD

Don’t get drawn into an argument with your child. Just keep restating your request in a calm and matter-of-fact way.

• “You may play with Lego after you have washed your hands.” (repeat)

• “Once your jumper is on, you can go outside to play.” (repeat)

• “You can have a biscuit after you have finished your banana.” (repeat)

3. DO OVER

They did it wrong? Ask them to do it the right way.

• “Kaea, it seems like you’ve forgotten how to close the door. Go back to your room and shut the door softly. That’s much better.”

• “Sam, you seem to have forgotten how to come when I call you. Go back to your room so we can practise. (Parent calls Sam) Good, that was better.”

• “Show me what you are going to do next time when Mummy is getting baby out of the car.”

4. EMPATHY FOR THE VICTIM

If your child hurts another child, ensure the victim receives a lot of comfort and attention. Then point out or ask your child to imagine how the other child must feel.

• “Oh, poor Koa is crying. That must have hurt when you pushed him. How would you have felt if that was you? How can we make him feel better?”

• “Poor Ana, that must have really hurt when you bit her. Imagine how sad you would feel if someone bit you. How could you help Ana to feel better? How about you get a cold flannel to put on her arm.”

• “James feels sad. Maybe it’s because you pushed over his block tower?”

5. REFER TO THE ‘RULE’

Sometimes children can accept your requests easier if they know you’re talking about the rules.

• “The rule is that desserts are for people who are still hungry after they have eaten their vegetables.”

• “The rule says that three-year-olds aren’t allowed to do that, but four-year-olds are old enough to.”

• “The rule is that lollies are for parties. We’re not having a party today.”

• “The rules say that blocks are not for throwing. Blocks are for building with.”

Which of these strategies comes most naturally to you?

Which of these strategies do you find most challenging?

Which of these strategies do you think you could try this week?

Putting it into action

Over the past three weeks we have looked at how to be a Parent Coach and how to take a Parent Coach approach to our child’s emotions and behaviors. In this activity, you are going to use everything that we have learnt so far and apply it to some common scenarios that parents with preschoolers experience.

SCENARIO (EXAMPLE)

Your child wants to go outside, but first they need to put their gumboots on because it is cold and wet. Unfortunately, your child doesn’t want to put their gumboots on.

APPROACH WHAT COULD THAT LOOK LIKE FOR YOU?

BE A PARENT COACH

Breathe

How can you take time out to choose to respond rather than react?

Be curious

What are all the reasons that you could think of that might mean your child doesn’t want to wear their gumboots?

• Take a breath before I react.

• Notice that I am feeling frustrated.

• Remind myself to be the ‘big person’.

• The gumboots hurt their feet.

• They are worried about spiders in the gumboots.

• They think the gumboots don’t match their outfit. They have so little control over anything in their life.

• They are worried that putting gumboots on means they have to leave you.

If you think that they might be having an emotional response to the situation, move to a Parent Coach approach to emotions. If not, you can jump to a Parent Coach approach to behaviours.

PARENT COACH APPROACH TO EMOTIONS

Name their feelings

Give the emotion a name and check if that’s what they are feeling.

Empathise

Show your child that you understand why they are feeling that way.

Are you feeling scared/worried/tired?

• Is it a bit disappointing that you have to cover up your beautiful little toes?

• Sounds like you are feeling a bit frustrated...

• Are you so excited about going outside that you are forgetting to put your boots on?

Hmm...yeah, I worry about spiders in my shoes too!

• I know how frustrating it is to have to stop and put boots on when you’re in a hurry to get outside.

• I feel a bit frustrated when I have to put my boots on too!

After you have acknowledged their feelings and empathised, they might be ready to put their gumboots on. If they still need some encouragement, move into a Parent Coach approach to behaviours.

PARENT COACH APPROACH TO BEHAVIOUR

Prompt Gumboots on please, Billy Bob.

Distraction

What can you divert the child’s attention towards?

Instructions

1. Make eye contact

2. Say the child’s name

3. Give clear instructions

– one at a time is best.

4. Tell them what you want them to do, not what you want them to stop doing.

What should we put in your backpack for the exciting adventure?

• Should we take your snuggly dog?

• What is the weather doing? Is it rainy or sunny?

• Should we bring some food for our adventure?

• “Billy Bob.”

• “Please put your gumboots on.”

• “I’m going to get the snacks and when I come back, I want to see your gumboots on your feet.”

SCENARIO ONE

You’ve had a fun-filled rainy morning playing with the Lego, paints and magnetic letters. You have asked your child to help tidy up but it’s very clear they do not want to help!

APPROACH WHAT COULD THAT LOOK LIKE FOR YOU?

BE A PARENT COACH Breathe

How can you take time out to choose to respond rather than react?

Be curious

What are all the reasons why your child may not want to help tidy up?

If you think that they might be having an emotional response to the situation, move to a Parent Coach approach to emotions. If not, you can jump to a Parent Coach approach to behaviours.

PARENT COACH APPROACH TO EMOTIONS

Name their feelings

Give the emotion a name and check if that’s what they are feeling.

Empathise

Show your child that you understand why they are feeling that way.

PARENT COACH APPROACH TO BEHAVIOUR

Choose up to five strategies and write examples of what you would say

SCENARIO TWO

Whenever other people come over, your child gets excited and starts climbing on the furniture and jumping off. It’s a bit dangerous and you have a family rule that children don’t climb on the furniture.

APPROACH WHAT COULD THAT LOOK LIKE FOR YOU?

BE A PARENT COACH

Breathe

How can you take time out to choose to respond rather than react?

Be curious

What are all the reasons why your child may forget the family rule about climbing on furniture?

If you think that they might be having an emotional response to the situation, move to a Parent Coach approach to emotions. If not, you can jump to a Parent Coach approach to behaviours.

PARENT COACH APPROACH TO EMOTIONS

Name their feelings

Give the emotion a name and check if that’s what they are feeling.

Empathise

Show your child that you understand why they are feeling that way.

PARENT COACH APPROACH TO BEHAVIOUR

Choose up to five strategies and write examples of what you would say

SCENARIO THREE

Your child starts screaming at the supermarket checkout because you have said they are not allowed to get a chocolate bar.

APPROACH WHAT COULD THAT LOOK LIKE FOR YOU?

BE A PARENT COACH Breathe

How can you take time out to choose to respond rather than react?

Be curious

What are all the reasons why your child may be so upset when you say no to chocolate?

If you think that they might be having an emotional response to the situation, move to a Parent Coach approach to emotions. If not, you can jump to a Parent Coach approach to behaviours.

PARENT COACH APPROACH TO EMOTIONS

Name their feelings

Give the emotion a name and check if that’s what they are feeling.

Empathise

Show your child that you understand why they are feeling that way.

PARENT COACH APPROACH TO BEHAVIOUR

Choose up to five strategies and write examples of what you would say

Getting all the adults on board

Over the last few decades there have been huge changes in the way that people think about parenting. Maybe you have other adults involved in caring for your child who share similar ideas about how to parent. And maybe you have adults in your world who have different ideas about how to parent. Getting adults on the same page can be tricky, but discussing the ideas and approaches from session two and three can be a really helpful place to start.

What are some of the challenges that you might experience if you tried to get other adults on board with a Parent Coach approach to parenting?

How could you encourage and support the other adults in your child’s life to use these Parent Coach approaches to emotions and behaviours?

SUMMARY

In this session we looked at a range of different strategies that we can use to support our children to behave in positive ways. Then we applied these strategies to common scenarios parents with preschoolers experience. We recognise parenting ideas may have changed over the generations and discussed how we might communicate our parenting ideals to other significant people in our child’s life.

In this session we looked at –

^ A Parent Coach approach to behaviour

^ Putting it into action

^ Getting all the adults on board

TAKEAWAY

Pick one or two ideas from the list above and write down how you will apply them this week.

UNDERSTANDING THE WORLD OF A PRESCHOOLER

SESSION GOAL

Discuss some of the common challenges of parenting preschoolers, and learn some parenting tools that offer helpful support.

SESSION OVERVIEW

^ Common challenges (picky eating, bedtime, screen time, preschool drop-off/clinginess)

^ The Healthy Mind Platter

Common challenges

Parenting that fits

One of the fascinating but infuriating things about this whole parenting business is that unlike Lycra, go with me here, there is no one-size-fits-all set of parenting techniques. An idea that works brilliantly in one home might fail miserably in another.

The tools and strategies we give you will work even better when you fine tune them to suit your unique children and their own personalities. We can provide the talcum powder and Lycra but at the end of the day, you’re going to have to be the one to put it on. You know what, let’s leave the Lycra analogy and move to something a little more comfortable.

For a long time I really did think that parents shaped their kids. They were cute, innocent moulds of clay waiting for us to turn them into something. I figured we sort of coached and mentored and disciplined them into the adults they would eventually become. I now wonder if that’s actually correct. I look at my own family. My parents nurtured me and my brothers exactly the same way, but one loved music, one was obsessed with sport and the other loved the sound of his own voice (cough).

I see my role as a parent more like a gardener than a craftsman. I’ve been given a packet of seeds, but these seeds aren’t labelled. I’ve planted them and nurtured them, but it’s only after a while that I start to see what seeds I actually have, what’s coming up. In your family you might have some beans, some corn, some watermelon, some pumpkins, I don’t know.

When you know what you’re growing, only then can you start to cultivate them appropriately, in a way that makes sense to each one of your kids – staking the tomatoes, training the vines, lifting the rhubarb, you get the gist. The gardener is important, but you can’t turn a marrow into a cauliflower. And I can’t force Harley to enjoy being in front of the camera, he’s much more comfortable in the garden.

As your children start to reveal their passions and their gifts, it’s your role as a parent to nurture them in a way that brings the best out of them.

Knowing your kids, really knowing them, and then being who they need you to be is one of the biggest gifts you can give your kids.

We are about to tackle some of the common challenges that almost every parent will have to navigate while raising preschoolers. We know that every whānau is different, and so is every child. That’s why we will offer heaps of ideas so you have selection to choose from. But first we’re keen to hear what you’re experiencing at your place – what’s challenging and what’s working.

Picky eating

Parenting beliefs and practices about feeding children are really diverse. Some parents might insist their child finishes every mouthful on the plate regardless of whether they like that food or not, while other parents are happy to cook four different meals each night! While there are many different approaches to mealtimes, one thing we know is that it can take many exposures to a food before a child becomes tolerant of it, or even enjoys it and is happy eating it.

Does anyone have a fussy eater? If so, what is it like for you?

What do you think could be going on for your child when they are being fussy about food?

Bedtime

There’s a saying that goes “children take the sleep they need” – but they also take the sleep their parents need. It’s amazing the difference some good sleep habits can make. And yet, this is a really tricky thing for most families to establish. Who hasn’t woken in the night to find cold feet on your warm back, as your child claims three quarters of your bed?

Is anyone having trouble getting their child to go to bed and stay in bed? If so, what is it like for you?

What do you think could be going on for your child when they are getting out of bed over and over again?

Screen time

Love it or hate it, technology has firmly established its place in our homes. We love it when our child is entertained and we can get on with our jobs, but we hate it when they throw a tantrum at the mere mention of turning the screen off. So how can we enjoy the benefits of technology, while minimising the negatives?

Has screen time been a problem in your house (for you or your child)?

What do you think could be going on for your child when they are always asking to watch something?

Preschool drop-off/clinginess

Is there anything more upsetting than dropping your child off at preschool, and having to leave while they are still crying? Even though the teacher assures you they are fine the minute you leave (and you know they have a good time there), it doesn’t make the tearful goodbyes any easier. How a parent responds plays a big part in helping a child settle into preschool, so it can be really useful to consider how we manage our own feelings, as well as our child’s.

Have you had a hard experience dropping your child off somewhere? If so, what happened?

What do you think could be going on for your child when you are dropping them somewhere and leaving?

Taking a Parent Coach approach

Below are a number of possible solutions to each of these common challenges. Read through the suggestions and pick out the solutions you think would be helpful to use in your home, which ones would not be a good fit and which ones are just plain silly. Feel free to add to the list if you have any strategies that have worked for you.

Picky eating

SCENARIO: Your child refuses to eat any type of vegetable.

Draw a diagram which explains the global issues related to food wastage. Tell them that they are the problem with the world.

Let your kids know that parents choose WHAT to eat, and kids can choose HOW MUCH they eat, but the child has to have at least one mouthful of each food on their plate.

Be curious – “I wonder if it’s the taste or the texture that makes them not want to eat veges?”

Give a choice – offer four veges at each meal and ask them to choose the three they want to eat, or let the child dish their own serving of veges onto their plate, or let them choose whether the veges will be cooked or uncooked.

Tell them that if they want to grow facial hair, then they need to eat their veges.

If your child doesn’t eat the meal, don’t offer them other food instead.

Take a breath – think about how to respond as a Parent Coach, rather than just react.

Name their feelings – “Sounds like you feel angry that we’re asking you to eat the veges on your plate?”

Only serve the veges they like. Or better yet, don’t serve veges at all. Tomato sauce will give them all the vitamins they need.

Try to ‘hide’ the veges in their food, e.g. puree cooked vegetables together and add them to the pasta sauce.

Empathise – “It is really hard to eat something when you don’t like it, aye?”

If your child doesn’t eat their vegetables, they don’t get dessert.

Maintain limits – “In our family we try everything on our plate.”

Bedtime

SCENARIO: They have had a bath, the books have been read, the teeth have been brushed. You say goodnight to them (and their snuggly dog). You go and sit on the couch and within two minutes your child is standing next to you telling you that they are hungry/thirsty/have had a bad dream/can’t sleep/heard a scary noise/want to open a bank account.

Problem-solve all the underlying reasons for them getting up, for example leaving a nightlight on if they are scared of the dark, and leaving a drink bottle beside their bed for any nighttime thirst.

Take a breath – think about how to respond as a Parent Coach, rather than just react.

Hide under their bed and when they get out of bed, grab their feet and tell them that you are the under-the-bed-monster.

Check on your child: Let your child know that they need to stay in bed and you will return in 10 minutes to check that they’re okay.

Be curious – “I wonder why they may be getting out of bed?”

Put Lego all over their floor so that if they get out of their bed, they find out what happens when you stand on Lego.

Name their feelings – “Are you feeling a bit lonely/worried?”

Make the return to bed boring – when they get out of bed, limit interaction with them, take them back to bed, calmly repeating the same words “It’s time for bed. See you in the morning.” Every. Time.

Cover their floor in whoopee cushions so that you have a hilarious alarm system in place if they try to get out of bed.

Empathise – “It is so annoying that you have to go to bed at nighttime, aye?”

Try not to let them have a nap at 4pm because then they will be up until 9pm.

Maintain limits – “I know you really want to stay up but it’s bedtime now.”

Create a sticker chart – be sure to give them lots of praise each time they have a success.

Let them watch a live stream of the international chess championship, that is sure to put them to sleep.

Give a choice – “Would you like a piggy-back or cuddle-hug while I take you back to bed?

Screen time

SCENARIO: You are tired, you have told your child that they can watch one episode of Bluey while you have a cup of tea. At the end of the episode, you turn off the TV and they start screaming like a slightly confused werewolf. You begin to wish you had never put Bluey on in the first place.

Be a good role-model: save your Facebook binge until after the kids are in bed, put the phone away at mealtimes.

Take a breath – think about how to respond as a Parent Coach, rather than just react.

Tell them that if they keep crying, you will get rid of the TV.

Be curious – “I wonder why they may be feeling upset this time?”

Set limits and be consistent: This can include daily screen-time limits, limits on the kinds of screens kids can use, and guidelines on the types of activities they can do or programmes they can watch. If kids know the rules and routines, they are less likely to have a meltdown.

Name their feelings – “You feel really upset that you can’t watch another episode.”

Use an auto-tune app to turn their screams into music.

Empathise – “It is hard when we have to turn Bluey off isn’t it...”

Maintain limits – “I’m sorry you feel sad about turning the TV off, but we are only watching one episode today.”

If they keep whining, just put it back on.

Set a timeframe – “When this episode is finished it will be time to turn the TV off.”

Let them watch something on your phone instead.

Plan ahead – before turning the TV on, ask your child what they plan to do next, when the episode has finished. Knowing what’s coming next can make it easier for kids to accept screen time ending. Create a list of activities your kids can do when they are bored, and pre-empt tantrums by asking your child what activity they plan to do when their episode ends. Reading, doing puzzles or board games, playing outside, etc.

Start doing the Macarena in the futile hope that they will be so mesmerised that they will stop crying.

Preschool drop-off/clinginess

SCENARIO: You drop your child at their preschool. You help them put away their bag and their lunchbox, then you sit with them and make a small elephant out of play dough. They seem happy, so you smile at their teacher and you say goodbye to your child. They start crying and wrap themselves around your legs like a drunk octopus.

Take a breath – think about how to respond as a Parent Coach, rather than just react.

Make yourself a cup of tea and sit in the corner of the room until they forget that you are there, and then try to sneak out like a cat walking on a hot road.

Help strengthen the relationship between your child and the teachers your child feels most at ease with. If they have a good connection with their teachers, they will find it easier to let you leave.

Be curious – “I wonder why they may be feeling this way?”

Practise separation – leave your child with a caregiver for a small amount of time from a young age.

Wrap yourself around the legs of the teacher and cry so that your child can see how silly they look.

Name their feelings – “Oh, it sounds like you are sad that Mummy is leaving.”

Start small – Instead of leaving your child at preschool for the whole day, begin with mornings. If this is too tricky for them then leave for 20 mins and then return, gradually increasing the time you are away.

Pull out your phone and start filming while telling them that this will be really embarrassing to watch at their 21st.

Develop a ‘goodbye’ ritual – rituals are reassuring and can be as simple as a special wave through the window or a goodbye kiss and the words “kia kaha”.

Empathise – “You’d like to stay with me all day, wouldn’t you?”

Distract them with a toy or an activity that the preschool teacher is working on.

Get the preschool to put up photos of you holding up a sign that says “I love you and I am coming back soon.”

Leave without the fanfare – tell your child you are leaving and that you will return, then go, don’t hang around.

Plan ahead – before arriving at preschool, say “When we get to preschool we’ll hang up your bag, say hello to the teacher, Mummy will give you a kiss and say goodbye”.

The Healthy Mind Platter

Most of us know that to do well in life, we need to find a balance of activities that include enough time to rest and relax, work, play and recover.

Dr Daniel Siegel suggests ‘The Healthy Mind Platter’ which includes seven daily activities that make up the full set of ‘mental nutrients’ your brain needs in order to be at its best. These seven activities can also help our children have the energy to form deep and meaningful connections with their family and friends.

FOCUS TIME

I can focus on a challenging task and get completely absorbed in it. I make deep connections in my brain.

• Lego Write a story

• Do a puzzle Write down some more activities that would be good for focus time.

PLAY TIME

I have time to play spontaneously and creatively. No rules, structure or outcomes. It helps my brain make new connections.

• Dancing

• Drawing

• Sandpit play

Write down some more activities that could be described as unstructured play.

CONNECTING TIME

I spend time with my parents and family, who give me their full attention and join me in my interests. I spend time with other children, learning to share, compromise and develop empathy.

• Dad plays Barbies with me

• Mum takes me to the park

• I have a play date with a friend

Write down some more activities that strengthen connection.

PHYSICAL TIME

I move my body every day. I work up a puff and I develop coordination.

• Swimming

• Bike riding Jumping on the trampoline

Write down some more physical activities you enjoy as a family.

TIME IN

I have some time when I pause to breathe, be fully present, practise mindfulness and express gratitude. I learn to relax my body, my mind and my emotions.

• Learn some deep breathing exercises

• Try some mindfulness exercises

• Say three things you are grateful for

Write down some more ideas to create quiet spaces for time in.

DOWN TIME

I have time where there are no goals or outcomes expected. I let my mind wander and relax. I have no assignments or jobs. I get used to feeling bored and finding something to do. When I can ‘just be’ it helps my brain recharge.

How often do you have time where there is no plan and no rush?

What do you usually do when your child says “I’m bored.”

SLEEP TIME

I sleep so my brain can rest and recover. When I sleep my brain makes sense of my daily experiences and consolidates everything it has learned.

Have a nap each day

• Get to bed on time

How could you ensure that your child is getting enough sleep?

SUMMARY

In this session we looked at a range of tools to help us respond to some common challenges that preschoolers experience. We also discussed the ingredients for a healthy brain and considered how we might create a balanced life for our children.

In this session we looked at –

^ Common challenges (picky eating, bedtime, screen time, preschool drop-off/clinginess)

^ The Healthy Mind Platter

TAKEAWAY

Pick one or two ideas from the list above and write down how you will apply them this week.

UNDERSTANDING A CULTURE OF CONNECTION

SESSION GOAL

Understand the importance of having routines, rituals and fun. Opportunity to reflect on the key Toolbox topics and the dreams we have for our children.

SESSION OVERVIEW

^ The power of play

^ Routines and rhythms

^ Pulling it all together

^ Your unique family values

^ Your dream for your children

The power of play

Having fun is probably the most underestimated of all parenting tools. Is your child whining? Try doing a silly dance. Is your child asking for food for the 87th time in the last hour? Try making play dough (but don’t feed them play dough). Is your child biting their baby brother? Try pulling funny faces. Is your child asking to watch TV? Make a small hut and read books together.

You don’t have to do those things specifically, but the point is simple: fun is a powerful tool that we often forget to use.

Play and fun can help to build connection between us and our children, and it’s a wonderful way to build a strong relationship.

Play

If you have a preschooler, they have a very important job to do. And it’s not to organise your finances or clear out that cupboard. It’s a messy, time-consuming, chaos filled explosion of unrestrained energy. What I’m talking about is play.

And by play I don’t mean education disguised as play. Nothing to do with learning shapes, counting numbers and naming colours. It’s about loud noisy squelchy mud and hours spent twanging that door stopper thingy.

Research has shown that very few children benefit from an early dose of academic learning. Their peers apparently catch up to them within the first few years of schooling. But if you enrol them in the University of Muddy Puddle Jumping, or whatever’s going on here, you’ll be giving them the creativity that fuels your child’s brain.

Your child won’t be any better off if you buy them that high robot that flies, shoots and corrects grammar. A stick will suffice. And if Mr Stick insists on performing a complex operation on Mrs Rock using nothing but another rock, then even better. We are often so busy with our own jobs but if you can set aside some time each day to be a nurse in the operating room assisting Mr Stick, or be an adult-sized robot that gives piggy back rides, then you’ll be doing wonders for your child’s brain development.

But it’s not just our kids’ brains that benefit from play – their bodies and their characters evolve too. Play helps to strengthen and coordinate their muscles and develop fine motor skills. If you watch a preschooler play, you’ll see the formation of all the social building blocks. Play also allows your kids to be like tiny scientists, testing ideas, behaviours and understanding. Their play-acting can even refine their personalities and help them communicate their emotions more clearly.

It may seem as though your child is just having fun but underneath it all, they are working hard at their job just like you do. The only difference is, they get paid in cuddles. And if you commit to their play as much as they do, you will too.

What types of play does your child love at the moment?

What types of play do you enjoy doing with your preschooler?

What are some of the things that stop your child from playing?

What stops you from engaging in play with your child?

What is one thing that you can do this week to make your house a bit more fun?

How to play

If we’re honest, I wonder how many parents would say they actually don’t enjoy playing with their preschoolers? Maybe their own parents didn’t play with them, maybe they don’t think they have a good imagination, maybe they find it really boring, or maybe they feel pressured to make it educational.

A quick Google search will churn out hundreds of ideas of what to play with your preschoolers – from turning a cardboard box into a rocket ship, to dancing, dress-ups, water play and puzzles – there is no shortage of ideas for WHAT to play. And yet strangely enough, there are not as many ideas for HOW to play with preschoolers. Perhaps this explains why many parents do not really enjoy playing with their kids – they’re not sure how to.

Play is vitally important to a child’s social and emotional development. Play is the work children do naturally as a means of learning about the world in which they live. And your preschooler’s favourite toy is…you! So how do we play with our preschoolers? The key thing is to notice what your child is interested in and join them in it, following their lead instead of dominating the activity. Here are some techniques play therapists use to follow the child’s lead in play.

1. MORE POSITIVITY AND LESS NEGATIVITY

Show how much you enjoy playing with your child by smiling, talking enthusiastically, making eye contact and using a warm tone. Avoid negative interactions, frowning or telling your child off (you can ignore inappropriate behaviour unless it’s dangerous or destructive).

Why? This creates warmth in your relationship, lets your child know you are interested in them, models positive emotions and increases your child’s interest in play.

2. MORE PRAISE AND LESS CRITICISM

There are so many things to praise our children for during play, both achievement-related, such as colouring in neatly, and character-related, such as sharing, using the toys gently, persevering even when it was difficult and helping to tidy up. Avoid criticisms, like “Don’t scribble on your paper” or “No, that’s not how you do it”.

Why? This adds to the warmth of the relationship, increases their self-esteem, lets your child know what you like and increases the chances they’ll do these things again.

3. MORE DESCRIPTION AND LESS PRESCRIPTION

Telling a child what to do is the opposite of child-led play. It can create conflict, negativity and power struggles. Instead of telling them what to do, describe what they are doing, in the same way a commentator would describe what was happening in a sports match. For example, “You’re rolling out the play dough with your roller… now you’re cutting it with your knife.”

Why? This has many benefits to your child, including increasing their concentration and attention to the activity, teaching vocabulary and enhancing mindfulness.

4. MORE REFLECTIONS AND FEWER QUESTIONS

Often parents bombard their child with lots of questions. To a child this can feel unpleasant and even create a sense of failure if there is a seemingly wrong answer. A more helpful thing for parents to do is reflect back what their child has said. For example, if the child says, “I like to play with this castle” the parents can say “This is a fun castle to play with.”

Why? This shows a child you’re really listening and demonstrates understanding and acceptance. It allows your child to direct the conversation and can feel more relaxed. It is also helpful for improving your child’s speech and increasing verbal communication.

5. MORE COPYING AND LESS COMMANDING

Copy what your child does: if they roll a ball, you can roll it back; if they are lining the trains up, you can line yours up too. Avoid telling them what they should do, even if the trains are supposed to be placed on the track and pushed around it.

Why? This enables the child to lead and lets them know you are involved. It shows approval of the child, and helps them feel important and competent.

Routines and rhythms

Throughout this course we have talked about ways to build a great relationship with our children. Having routines and rhythms is another way to strengthen connection.

Children thrive when each day has structure and predictability. It is also important to have weekly and yearly rhythms. When we participate in these rhythms enough, they can even be passed on from generation to generation as family traditions.

What were your favourite family routines or rhythms when you were growing up?

Daily routines

EXAMPLES CURRENTLY HAVE COULD ADD

• Greet your child the same way every morning

• Tickle them when you put them in their car seat

• Hot chocolate after preschool

• Dinner at the table together and ask them what was the best part of the day

• Carrying them to bed the same way each night or reading a story before bed

Say good night in the same way each night

Weekly rhythms

EXAMPLES

• Friday night fish and chips

Saturday bike ride

• Sunday morning pancakes Church

• Afternoon tea with grandparents Go to the pool on Wednesday

Annual rhythms Celebrate anniversaries i.e. special occasions/ achievements

• Birthday person chooses the type of birthday cake

• Camping every summer holiday

• Read a favourite Christmas book on Christmas Eve under the tree

• Celebrate Matariki

• Easter egg hunt

CURRENTLY HAVE COULD ADD

Pulling it all together

This activity covers some of the key topics we have discussed throughout this course. As you work your way through the topics, reflect on what stood out for you and how it has impacted your family.

SESSION ONE THING THAT STOOD OUT HOW IT HAS IMPACTED OUR FAMILY LIFE

Understanding love and connection

• Love and connection

Different ways to build connection

Understanding yourself as a parent

Atmosphere

Parent styles

• Getting our children on board

• Looking after yourself

Understanding emotions

A Parent Coach approach to emotions

Ages and stages

Understanding behaviour

A Parent Coach approach to behaviour

Getting all the adults on board

Understanding the world of a preschooler

Common challenges

• The Healthy Mind Platter

Understanding a culture of connection

The power of play

• Routines and rhythms

Your unique family values

Earlier in the course we talked about looking after the ‘atmosphere’ of your home. Shaping the family atmosphere is a team sport. It’s a lot more effective if everyone has buy-in for contributing to a positive atmosphere. An idea to help get the whole team on the same page is to sit down with your child and agree on the values that make your family unique.

How do we go about it? Gather the whānau and talk about the things that your family values. It can be tempting to write aspirational statements, but it is far more helpful to write a description of the things that your family already values and the things that make your family different to every other family on the street.

For example:

• We love sport and being active

• We love learning We love the outdoors

• We love quoting movies

• We value authenticity and honesty

• We are generous

• We love welcoming people into our home

You don’t have to finish it now, but write down some things that describe what your family already values.

Your dream for your child

Congratulations on making it to the end of this course! You are now equipped with lots of tools to help you continue to build connection with your children. Over the next 10 years, your darling little Rebekah is going to turn into a slightly sassy Bex. But puberty, social media and bullying don’t have to be daunting realities on the horizon.

The most important thing that your child will need during those years is a secure connection to their parents, and the way to stay connected with our children in the future is to foster a culture of connection in the present.

Let’s take a moment to think about your dream for your child. Write down some ideas from the questions below.

One year from now, what would you like your relationship with your children to look like?

Describe what you would like your relationship with your children to look like on their 10th birthday.

What are some practical changes you can make today to help those dreams become a reality?

SUMMARY

Throughout this course we have explored lots of ways to build great relationships with our children. In this session we discussed the importance of finding ways to have fun together, as well as the value of building rituals of connection into our week, month and year.

In this session we looked at –

^ The power of play

^ Routines and rhythms

^ Pulling it all together

^ Your unique family values

^ Your dream for your child

FAREWELL

E te rangatira, e rere ana ngā tai o mihi ki a koe!

We just want to take a second to acknowledge you and all the ways in which you are a coach, caregiver and inspiration to your whānau. We couldn’t be more excited for you and your whānau. We hope that your kete – or your ‘toolbox’ – is full with heaps of helpful and practical tools, and we can’t wait to hear how they carry on impacting your lives for the better.

We also want to thank you for all you have brought to this journey along the way because without your presence and discussion contributions, this course wouldn’t have been the same.

Thank you for being here, and see you again soon.

Hei ākuanei!

KARAKIA – E te Atua

Whakatōngia to manaakitanga ki roto i a mātou mahi

Hei kākano mō te puāwai o ngā whānau o Aotearoa Aroha atu Aroha mai

Āmine – God Bless our work

So that our families may flourish Love is given Love is received Amen

Please take a minute to give us some feedback about your Toolbox experience

Toolbox customer satisfaction and mini evaluation report

Parenting Place Toolbox courses have long been one of the principle programmes of the organisation, with close to or over 200 courses run each year across New Zealand. We believe that the Toolbox courses should help parents to:

1. Understand their children better and have a stronger connection with them

2. Become more confident and competent in their parenting

3. Help parents build a positive family culture and atmosphere

4. Experience a sense of support and community as a result of participating in a Toolbox group

To date, two studies have looked into the effectiveness of the programme. The first was conducted in 2013–14 by Sue White as part of a Masters thesis. Results from her research suggest that parents of teenagers who complete the Toolbox course experienced gains in their parenting confidence and social support.

The second was an evaluation and customer satisfaction survey which Parenting Place’s internal research team conducted in 2019 in collaboration with the University of Canterbury. The evaluation used a sample of 355 participants who completed pre- and post-course questionnaires after attending any of the three Toolbox courses. Below is a brief summary of the findings of this evaluation. Please note, we will use the term ‘parents’ to mean anyone who attended the Toolbox course and had a parenting role in the life of a child, including parents, grandparents, step parents and foster parents.

The questionnaires in this study were specifically designed to assess parents’ own reports of changes in parenting and family life from before they attended Toolbox to after they have completed the course. The evaluation was particularly focused on the changes parents experienced in their relationships with their children and within their family, changes they experienced in how confident and competent they felt as a parent, and any changes in the general atmosphere of their home. Because Toolbox facilitators often report that parents feel quite anxious about managing the challenges of parenting, the evaluation also looked at any changes in parents’ anxiety about this.

The evaluation also focused on how parents felt about the the quality of the information they received during the course, how prepared and competent their facilitator was, the key learning and applications they took away from the course and

their overall satisfaction with the course as well as any recommendations they could offer that would improve the course overall.

What did the survey find?

1. Overall, parents reported positive change.

Parents were asked to respond to eleven statements that were scored on a 5-point scale from Agree (1) to Disagree (5). On average, parents reported improvements in relationships with their children, their sense of confidence and competence as a parent, their home atmosphere and their level of anxiety about managing the challenges of parenting. In fact, while the majority of parents reported some type of reduction when it came to their parenting anxiety, parents who had greater parenting anxiety at the start of the course reported greater change from pre- to post-course across all four categories the evaluation focused on compared to the parents who felt less anxious before they started the course.

2. Parents felt positive about the quality of the Toolbox information and thought that, overall, the facilitators were well-prepared and competent.

Parents were asked to respond to three questions relating to the course information and facilitator competence. These were also scored on a 5-point scale (1=Agree to 5=Disagree). Two-thirds (66.6%) of parents responded positively about the quality of the course information and appreciated how relevant the course was to their parenting and family life and felt that it was relatively easy to apply the skills they learned. Almost nine out of ten parents, and regardless of whether or not they reported positive changes, felt that their facilitator was very competent and included all participants during the sessions. Parents also felt that facilitators were skilled at presenting the course material and managed the group dynamics well.

3. Parents found particular topics helpful.

Parents typically identified between 2-6 topics as being helpful, the most common of which are presented below:

• Communication (44%)

• Perspective taking (30%)

• Behaviour management and boundaries (25%)

• Parenting styles and skills (23%)

• Time to connect (15%)

• Family atmosphere and values (15%) Individual differences (13%); and Parental regulation (11%)

In summary, the results from this evaluation provide the best evidence to date of the positive effect that the Toolbox courses are having in the lives of parents. We recognise that this evaluation depended solely on parents reporting on their own experiences. Thus, future research should be based on obtaining more objective information using quasi-experimental or randomised control methods. Nevertheless, as it currently stands, the programme appears to be useful and enjoyable to parents, as reflected in the following quotes:

I have learned about...

“Creating space to communicate with listening and reaffirming what I have heard and calmly responding.”

“Learning to see my children’s perspective of life and their feelings and emotions.”

“I have a lack of skills in setting boundaries, but this course has given me tools to use and has helped me in this area.”

“How to be a Parent Coach and cope with child’s emotions and dealing with different situations.”

“Connection with my children is my highest priority – being fully present, paying attention to what goes on between us, seeing things from my children’s point of view.”

“To stop being so busy, to slow down and spend time engaging with my children. I have also realised that I don’t have to be perfect and this has helped me to calm down, which in turn has calmed the children down as well.”

“The importance of staying calm when children aren’t behaving well. The importance of tone when talking to children – keeping it warm and loving, even when you are frustrated as anything!”

“I have learned to be calmer in my approach to parenting my teen. To slow down and listen and to value his opinion.”

“[I] loved this. Have recommended [it] to others. Found the techniques really applicable and easy to use as the course went on.”

“Such a helpful course with real tools to help in real life situations and actually see that they work!”

Framework

Toolbox is based on these core concepts –

Relationship – When our teenagers have deep and loving relationships with us, they’re more likely to thrive at home, learn well at school, be well-adapted mentally and reach their potential.

Motivation – Understanding the important role we play in shaping our teenagers means we can be inspired to parent them well.

Emotion – We get to provide safe and secure emotional environments for our teenagers and help them recognise, understand and manage their emotions.

Behaviour – Our teenagers’ behaviour is often a reflection of their emotions. When we understand what’s driving their behaviour and have the skills to investigate it, we may be able to manage behaviour.

Toolbox draws on the following theories to support these ideas –

Attachment theory – Bowlby, J. (1951). Maternal care and mental health. World Health Organization Monograph.

Self-determination theory – Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and wellbeing. American Psychologist, 55, 68-78.

Authoritative parenting – Baumrind, D. (1966). Effects of authoritative parental control on child behavior. Child Development, 37, 887–907.

Social cognitive learning theory – Bandura, A. (1963). Social learning and personality development. New York: Holt, Rinehart, and Winston.

Emotion coaching theory – The Gottman Institute.

Kuputaka

Te reo Māori is contextual and some words can have multiple meanings. In this glossary, we have only listed the meaning as it relates to the context in the session.

Aotearoa

The land of the long white cloud (original name of New Zealand)

Aroha Love

Awhi Embrace, nurture

Hauora Well-being

Hōhā

Nuisance, annoying

Karakia Prayer, incantation

Kete

Basket, kit

Kōrero

Discussion

Kuputaka Glossary

Matariki

Cluster of stars whose appearance marks the beginning of the Māori year

Mirimiri Massage

Motu Island

Nau mai, haere mai

Welcome, enter in

Taha Hinengaro

Mental and emotional side of the whare i.e. mental and emotional health

Taha Tinana

Physical side of the whare i.e. physical health

Taha Wairua

Spiritual side of the whare i.e. spiritual health

Taha Whānau

Family side of the whare i.e. family health

Tamariki Children

Tumeke

Awesome, to be surprised

Wahine

Woman, feminine

Whānau

Extended family