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Expert Authors
Team Editor Ramya Gopalakrishnan
Fathima Asghar is a parenting coach and consultant and the founder of Awakened Learners’ Hub. Fathima holds a certificate in parent coach training from the Academy for Coaching Parents International, USA. She has also completed training from the Center for Mindful Self Compassion.
Design and Layout Vidya Shivakumar Ramesh Kumar
Publisher Prayag Consulting
Radhika Mimani is a freelance writer and food artist based in
Prayag Consulting Pvt. Ltd Jaya Kumar (Chairman & Co-Founder)
Chennai. She hosts dinner pop-ups and blogs her reflections at http://www.soul-spice.co.in/.
Bindiya Bedi Charan Noronha is a linguist working in a diplomatic mission in New Delhi. She is associated with social causes for children and women, through her community-based organisation – Mil Baant Ke (Sharing with Dignity). She is a writer and has authored the book Dream Keeper: A Poetography Ensemble (www.binko.in). Her short stories, articles and poems have appeared in several anthologies in India and abroad.
Keith Thomas is a leading parenting expert and researcher. He provides complete resources for parents focusing on proven methods backed by comprehensive research and exhaustive analysis.
Dr. Jeyakar Vedamanickam, after a rich career in industry, was the Director of the Xavier Institute of Management and Entrepreneurship in Bangalore. He has authored the book ‘Sculpting Angels: Parenting Lessons to Foster Creativity in Children’. He writes articles in the form of short stories (‘storicles’) – centred on behavioural science and psychology. Some of these storicles have been published as a book ‘Corona Blues and Other Short Stories’. He conducts corporate workshops on ‘Creativity and Innovation’, ‘Behavioural Economics’, ‘Strategic Management’ and ‘Risk Management’.
Published by Jaya Kumar on behalf of Prayag Consulting Private Limited, 45/B, 4th Floor, 1st Main, J.P. Nagar, 3rd Phase, Bangalore - 560078. Reproduction in any manner is prohibited. ParentEdge does not take the responsibility for returning unsolicited publication material. All disputes are subject to the exclusive jurisdiction of competent courts and forums in Bangalore, Karnataka only. Opinions expressed in the articles are of the authors and do not necessarily reflect those of the editors or publishers. While the editors do their utmost to verify information published they do not accept responsibility for its absolute accuracy. Reproduction in whole or in part without the consent of the author is prohibited. Image Courtesy: freepik.com
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A Thank-You Note Dear Reader, This issue of ParentEdge magazine will be the last. ParentEdge was the not just the brain child of Ms. Sudha Kumar, CEO of Prayag Consulting (Publisher of ParentEdge). The magazine was very close to her heart, and she took particular interest in shaping the core values and intent of the magazine. We have stayed true to these, in the years after her passing. The decade that we spent in bringing out the magazine, has been an enriching and heart-warming journey for all of us. We truly cherish the role that we have played, in partnering with you in your path of parenting. We thank you for your support and involvement. ParentEdge Team
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From 2011 to 2021 – 10 years of Parenting Together!
Parenting Education and Learning Behavioural and Psychological Issues Health Interests and Extra-curricular Activities
6 Cover Story Parental Control 2021 Keep your child safe online
16 Quick Resources ’Summer Special’ products for children
18 Everyday Parenting The physical expression of affection in Indian families
28 23 Health Enhance your child’s emotional immunity
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Lifeskills through Stories Put first things first
For parents of children aged 3 - 6 Years 7 - 12 Years 13 + Years
35 Spotlight Emotional abuse of children
33 Book Reviews Books for children
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Cover Cover Story Story
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Why parental control for Internet?
Functions of Parental Control Software:
Excess time spent online causes impact on the body and mind. Also, there are risks:
»» Limiting of screen time.
»» Online predators
»» Blocking of inappropriate content. »» Filtering content. »» Blocking of malicious and virus.
»» Phishing
»» Tracking every activity on the Internet.
»» Cyberbullying »» Hacking
»» Monitoring downloads and uploads.
»» Abusing
»» Monitoring of activity social media like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, YouTube, and many more.
»» Physical Harm »» Uses of Drugs
»» Location, i.e. GPS Tracking.
»» Illegal Activities »» Suicide Parental Control is the process of restricting your child’s activities online – such as playing games, social media, accessing inappropriate content, and much more. Parental Control makes sure that your child is not going in the wrong direction and helps to minimise your burden and worries.
»» Alert and Notification System if your child watches inappropriate content and many more. Some reputed parental software: 1. Fenced.ai 2. Qustodio 3. Netnany
Digital Tools and Tips 1. Parental Control Software With this, you can not only monitor every online activity that your child is doing but also analyse what he/she is using and how much. It helps to take the necessary actions that are required for your children. For example, if the child is spending a lot of time on a streaming platform, you can have a discussion about prudent use.
Qustodio
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Netnany
Parental control software may be more appropriate for children below the age of 10. Fenced.ai
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Parental control software acts as a protective barrier:
»» It helps to block malicious content and viruses from the Internet. »» You can filter content according to your child’s interest and age. You can set electronic devices and screen time limits which will help to reduce internet usage. »» You can know what your children think, their interests, and their online friends. Your children may try to remove parental apps from their devices, but the alert system and notification will make it difficult to remove parental software. Unless your child is very tech savvy, you can rely on parental software, especially for children below the age of 10.
2. YouTube Parental Control As the most popular video platform, YouTube has given additional support to control children’s activities through YouTube Parental Control. You can install the YouTube Kid App available for Android and iOS for young children. YouTube Kid App can:
»» Control and limit time spent on YouTube. »» Filter content according to the child’s age. »» Block inappropriate content. »» Report an inappropriate video.
How to Use YouTube Kid App: First, download YouTube Kid app from Play Store. (You can skip bank account if asked for.)
Parental Control in YouTube on your Computer:
»Go » to YouTube in any browser.
»» Enter the year your child was born.
»Sign » in to Google Account to use YouTube.
»» Enter your child’s personal information such as name and date of birth.
»Go » to restriction mode, which is at the bottom.
»» Enable or disable the search bar. Here, you will be allowed to limit your child to do his/her search, remember your child’s appropriate content is already enabled. If you disable the search bar, your child will watch YouTube videos that YouTube recommends.
»Enable » restriction mode. This will restrict inappropriate content.
»» Create a password. Then, only you will be able to configure the application.
»» Enable or Disable video search option. »» Save the video history that your child has watched.
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3. OpenDNS
OpenDNS provides :
OpenDNS helps to filter and block inappropriate content online. What makes it unique is that OpenDNS can be set up or configured in a router; so you will not need to do adjustments to multiple devices.
»» OpenDNS Family Shield (Free service)
Most parental software makes the internet slower but not OpenDNS. With several servers throughout the world, it connects you to your nearest data center or servers. As a result, it helps to load websites faster.
»» OpenDNS Umbrella Prosumer ($20 per user)
The main function of OpenDNS is to provide a secure online experience by:
»» blocking inappropriate content »» boosting internet speed »» filtering content »» monitoring data »» protecting from phishing, virus, malware and online attacks
»» OpenDNS Home (Free service) »» OpenDNS Home VIP ($19.95 per year)
Setting up OpenDNS : Go to OpenDNS Website and register your account.
»» There are several services but if you are looking for free service then click on OpenDNS Family Shield or OpenDNS Home then click on signup. »» After registering, you have the option to change your settings from Computer, Router and DNS server setup. Choose Router setup. »» Now you will be given a step-by- step process to set up your router.
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»» After setting your router, check your email and confirm your process. »» After clicking on the confirmation link on an email, you will be taken to the OpenDNS dashboard where will need to add your home network to your OpenDNS account. For this go to settings, where your IP address is detected. Now add this network. »» Give your network a name. »» Finally, click on done.
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4. Cold Turkey Cold Turkey is useful for those teens who need help with tackling distraction – social media is difficult to resist and they find it difficult to focus on their work.. Cold Turkey is a website blocker that only works on computers. Its features:
Frozen Turkey
»» This feature is simply to avoid the computer. When this is enabled, you will be locked out of your computer. Password
Website Blocking
»» Your teenager can add any number of websites to block. You can use it for younger children too - to block websites that contain harmful content. Application Blocking
»» This can be used to block Facebook, Instagram, Video Games and many more. Locking a Block
»» Your teenager may try to remove the block but this is difficult in Cold Turkey. You can also choose a way to lock your block. Using a timer is popular but you can also block through a password with time range features. Using Scheduler
»» You can create a schedule for your children which will work as a time limit. Click and drag on schedule to add a block.
»» Your children might be techno-savvy and might try to remove Cold Turkey. But if you have a password then it is protected from changes. But choose a strong password so that others cannot change your password. Statistics
»» This feature helps to keep track of your child’s activity on the Internet. You will know the most visited sites. If these have inappropriate content, then you can block them. There are two versions of this software: 1. Basic Version This is the free version that contains features such as blocking an unlimited number of websites, locking features and statistics for tracking your child’s activities. 2. Pro Version It costs $ 39.00 for a lifetime membership. This includes all the basic features plus additional features such as scheduling, password, application blocking, user selection, breaks and many more. May - June 2021
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5. Social media privacy settings Nowadays, due to increasing instances of cyberbullying, online predators, abuse and many more, social media platforms have come up with additional security and privacy settings. You can easily enable the privacy settings on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, YouTube, and many more. There is the option of choosing your audience; remind your teens about this.
6. Cybersecurity protection You do not need to go to a computer expert or software expert for additional security in your computer. You can ensure cybersecurity by:
»» Regularly updating your antivirus software. »» Updating your windows defender daily. »» Using a strong password and changing your password frequently. »» Not opening any links or files from unknown people on the Internet. »» Not opening spam emails. »» Avoiding use of public Wi-Fi. »» Updating software and security system. »» Taking backup of your computer frequently. »» Using Two Factor Authentication. Two Factor Authentication: Usually, hackers try to hack your password through your email. Then they try to access your personal information and steal information such as credit card number, bank accounts etc. Two-Step Verification is the process of securing your data and information where users have to verify themselves through two different authentication processes. One factor authentication is password while the additional layer of security with a security token or biometric factor includes fingerprint or face recognition.
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How Does Two Factor Authentication Work? When you enable two-factor authentication, you generally have to add a mobile number or email address. Whenever you login in to your account, a one-time code is sent to your mobile number or email address. You are asked to add the code to login to your account. Unless you enter the right code, you cannot access your account. How to Use Two Factor Authentication: Social media service providers are trying to make user information private so that hackers cannot easily tap it. As a result, many applications such as Facebook, Instagram, Amazon, PayPal, Google, Gmail and many more have come up with ways to make your password secure and private. For Facebook
»» Go to Settings »» Then, go to security and Login. »» Scroll and select use two-factor authentication where you may have to enter your password. »» Now, Select Use Authentication App or Use SMS. For Instagram
»» Go to Settings. »» Now go to Security. »» Now click on Two-Factor Authentication. »» Click on Get Started. »» Choose Your Security Method by Authentication App or Text Message. »» If you click Authentication App then you will get a prompt to install the app. »» But if you choose Text message, add your phone number and click on next. »» Enter confirmation code sent to your phone and Click Next.
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For Google Account
»» Go to Your Google Account. »» Click on ‘Manage Your Account’. »» In the navigation panel on left side, go to Security »» Click on Two-Step verification and get started. »» Then you are asked to enter your Gmail password, then click on next. »» You can choose text message or phone call for code. »» If you select a text message then enter the code that comes in to your mobile and click next. »» If you select the phone, then Google will call you to give a verification code, again click next.
»» Now click ‘turn on’. »» You can also turn off two-step verification by clicking on the button.
7. Parental Control through ISP (Internet Service Provider) Do you know your ISP Provider helps to provide Internet security for your family? Every ISP provides services of parental control to customers. This will help to control or block inappropriate content on every device in your home. If you are a busy parent then you can ask your ISP to help you. How your ISP can help you:
»» Helps to block inappropriate websites. »» View user history. »» Filter out content. »» Set time limits online. »» Allowing children request access to certain sites. »» Helps to block social media. The availability of the above features differs from one ISP to another. Do reach out to your internet service provider to understand more. May - June 2021
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Other ways to keep children safe online Sharing personal space If you do not want to use parental software, you can monitor your children frequently. First, make sure you put all the electronic devices in a shared space in your home. Choose a place where you are confident that children will not get time alone. This may feel like invading children’s privacy and personal space. But until they reach a suitable age where they can differentiate between what is right or wrong, it is important to follow this practise. Until children become mature enough to make the right decision, you have to take control. In this method, they children will not be able to watch inappropriate content while you are monitoring them. But you must realise that your children might not 14
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feel happy, as they may also want their personal space. So, explain why you are enforcing this practice – to keep them safe.
all know that using devices such as smartphones and computers for more than two hours affects our health.
Teach them about digital footprint
Make a time schedule for your children. If you cannot monitor your children it is ineffective. Try to be strict regarding the time limits and schedule.
Children may not know about digital footprint. So, educate them. Digital Footprint is all the information that is stored on the Internet. All your information can be stored online permanently. For example: If you post your picture on Facebook publicly, many people will be able to access it and save it. Information will not always be secure on the Internet, some may try to manipulate that information. Ask children to share information, if needed, only to those people who they trust. Set time limits Time limits help to maintain a disciplined life. Too much screen time affects your children mentally and physically. We
Know your children’s online friends Your children may like to make new friends amongst children from all around the world. This has become easier due to the Internet and social media. Ask children to preferably limit their friends to those whom they know – who go to the same school or live in the same residential complex. Review apps and games Games and applications may contain different types of inappropriate
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content; pornography, violence etc. You can download the game or search for information about the content before allowing your child to play it. In the case of apps, you can use them and explore each feature before your child uses them. Sometimes there are fake apps, so search the information before using them. Take children outside home If you wish to decrease your child’s screen time, take them outside frequently. If you do not have time to take your children outside or if pandemic related restrictions do not allow you to do so, enroll them in online classes that are aligned to their interests. These will be fun for them, and will result in learning and skill development. Start with Yourself Always remember that children learn from parents. If you usually spend a lot of time on the Internet, then your children might try to copy you. For doing your work from home, using the internet may be important but young children may not understand this. So, if you work from home, try to maintain distance your children during your work time. In your non-working hours, spend time with your family and engage with them instead of spending time on social media and the Internet. This will help your children to imitate you in spending time with family rather than the Internet.
Summary How can parents protect their children from the Internet?
»» Download parental software and antivirus on your child’s device.
»» Using parental control software. »» Keeping eye on your children’s devices.
»» Review apps, websites and software before allowing your child to use them.
»» Teaching children how to keep them their life private. »» Knowing about children’s online friends.
»» Monitor your child but do not restrict them from using the internet entirely.
»» Using parental control settings to block inappropriate content.
»» Talk with your child. »» Teach your child about the negative impact of the Internet.
How to control kids online?
»» Fenced.ai
»» YouTube Kid App
What should parents restrict for children in 2021?
Talk with your children
»» OpenDNS Family Shield
Your child might have a wrong view and opinion about things. Children learn by seeing others, such as friends. So, you must know about your child’s mentality and thinking. Try to talk like a friend.
»» Cold Turkey
Always give them reasons about why they have to avoid social media. Give them some logical reasoning. Always monitor your children and their behaviour. Ask them frequently about how they are feeling.
How can I protect My Children Online in 2021?
»» Qustodio
»» Tinder »» Periscope »» Kik »» Omegle »» Ask.fm
Conclusion
Your children and their future depends on you. As a parent, you should be cautious enough to give them a good environment. Technology has given us a lot of burden as well as comfort. There are various ways to protect your children from the dangers of the Internet – digital or otherwise. Choose the one that works best for your family. Good Luck!
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Quick Resources
‘Summer Special’ products for children Summer in India is a season of joy – seasonal fruits, blue skies and monsoon showers. However, the global pandemic has stopped us from going out. Therefore we need to find alternatives to enjoy the flavour of summer in our country. Despite being confined indoors, there are many ways in which we can enjoy the flavour of summer. The products listed here can be used by young children and teenagers, to help them have fun, and experience the flavour of summer.
Dehydrated Mango Slices Have you ever wondered if you could eat the national fruit of India in a different form? Not as the normal, juicy fruit, but rather a more compact version? Although being dry, these slices taste just like a regular mango (or perhaps even sweeter!). Not only that, these can be eaten easily, without messes! The perfect snack to bring children memories of summer! Price: Rs. 199/200 gm Availability: https://www.amazon.in/Dehydrated-Mango-Slices-200-Gm/dp/ B00LPHGOE8/ref=lp_4860221031_1_2
Mango Flavoured Cereal Your children do not like breakfast cereal? They will definitely change their minds once they try this. Oats and multi grain flakes, combined with possibly the best fruit out there! Mango has been freeze dried and included. With no artificial sweeteners or artificial flavouring, this product is full of goodness. Price: Rs. 221/350 gm Availability: https://www.amazon.in/Monsoon-Harvest-ClustersMultigrain-Flakes/dp/B07BF6LDPG/
Cap of Your IPL Team For the IPL fans out there, sport a cap, imprinted with the name and logo of your favourite cricket IPL team. Choose your two favourite teams and sport a cap that marks their legacy. There are a variety of options you can choose from, so get choosing! Price: Rs. 354/2 caps Availability: https://www.amazon.in/TAAJ-T-20-Cricket-Combined-Teams/ dp/B0922Y9NKS/
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Quick Resources
Reusable IPL Masks Masks are now integrated into our everyday lives. Why not spice it up by mixing a bit of cricket into it? In a pack of eight, there are masks for major IPL teams. Who would not want a mask with the lion of CSK or the tiger of DC? Price: Rs. 299/8 masks Availability: https://www.flipkart.com/ve-marush-pack-8-speciallimited-ipl-2020-all-ipl-team-combo-reusable-washable-cotton-clothface-mask-reusable/p/itm8c08f088ab856
When I grow up – Professions Puzzle Young children love dreaming about what they will be when they grow up. During the pandemic, with children confined indoors, what better way to explore different interests than puzzles? These jigsaws are especially meant for young children to hone fine motor skills and for cognitive development. Chef, astronaut, news anchor, pilot are the featured professions. Price: Rs. 699 Availability: https://brainybearstore.com/products/when-i-grow-upprofessions-puzzle
DIY Solar Robot Your children may have seen solar panels on roofs of buildings and wondered if they could ever use one. Let them make the most of the summer sun by making a mini version of a solar panel. This product is a kit for children (eight to ten years of age) to design a solar powered robot. “A robot powered by the Sun”. Who wouldn’t want that? Price: Rs. 999 Availability: https://www.amazon.in/Bluebell-Education-PoweredBuilding-Experiment/dp/B08T6MTX7V?ref_=Oct_s9_apbd_orecs_hd_ bw_b1VHSvf&pf_rd_r=GZVN5710W46F688T06ND&pf_rd_ p=4ba21f02-9a10-54a8-855b-2d9b966a2a45&pf_rd_s=merchandisedsearch-10&pf_rd_t=BROWSE&pf_rd_i=1378362031
- Rudra Prasadh Ganesh, 16 years, Kuala Lumpur
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Everyday Parenting
Physical expression – decades ago
Mothers’ ways of showing love and affection were restrained or subdued, more so in the presence of other family members.
We Indians, culturally, have been wary and shy of expressing or displaying our emotions openly in most interpersonal relationships - be it parent-child, spousal relationships or amongst siblings especially when men are in the equation. Going back a generation, you will recall how fathers or older brothers simply assumed the roles of disciplinarians or protectors. There was no easy banter or shared laughs with most fathers, so hugs and cuddles were unimaginable. While dads were the martinets then, it was the mom’s role to lavish love and affection. Yet, their ways were restrained or subdued, more so in the presence of other family members. Mothers’ expressions of love and affection included cooking your favourite meal, an extra coin or two as pocket money, trying to save you from your father’s anger, and probably patting your back or forehead. Bone crushing hugs or a rain of kisses were certainly not a usual, household sight.
Physical touch – view of the scientific world
A lot of research has gone into understanding the impact of physical expressions on the biological and neural activities in a child. These researches have unequivocally proven the many, evident benefits of trusted, physical touch in the development of a child. Physical gestures, and in particular hugging, transmit security, warmth and care to the child’s brain. And this transmission primarily releases oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine hormones into the body – these are the ‘happy/destress’ hormones. These not only help in building a trusting bond between a parent and child but also contribute to development of an emotionally equipped human being who has better interpersonal relationships at all levels. May - June 2021
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Going beyond the emotional and mental benefits, a few studies have shown the effect of physical touch on health. A Carnegie Mellon University research set out to find if a gesture of social support, such as hugging, builds protection against infections. And astonishingly their hypothesis turned out right! Among 404 adults, those who had greater social support and received more frequent hugs during conflicts were less likely to catch a cold after they were exposed to the virus. The hugs indeed had a protective impact. One study published in 2018, went on to show how touch can be used as a tool for communicating empathy, resulting in an analgesic (pain relieving) effect.
Physical touch – changes as the child grows No matter the age, all children need someone to trust, to turn to; someone to console them or to reassure them even when they might vocally not ask for it. Internally, as part of our evolutionary growth, we all need human connects. And physical touches help to establish that connect strongly. However, as time passes and children grow up, physical expressions of love and affection also evolve and change. Some of these changes are parentdriven while others are child-driven. As daughters transform from their father’s little dolls to adolescent girls, they go through a spurt of physical and emotional changes. Those bedtime hugs and cuddles begin to fade, as both find it more awkward. A wall of hesitance comes up. Similarly with boys, the munchkin sons suddenly become teens retracting
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Physical gestures induce the brain to release oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine hormones into the body – these are ‘happy/destress’ hormones.
from baby names and snuggles. They have assertive individualities and shy away from overt displays of affection, especially when peers are around. Contrary to what children project, or assumed by adults, children’s need for strong and trusting parental or other bonds does not lessen. In fact, in these times of social media frenzy and digital invasion, children undergo a lot more emotional upheaval and peer pressure than earlier times. They are much more vulnerable to stress and anxiety, as studies show. It is so much more important for parents to pick up cues of change in behaviour. Also, each child has a unique emotional map which they navigate in their own ways. So, some might not come and ask for those hugs anymore but still be in need of a strong physical assurance.
Everyday Parenting
Reinventing physical touch
For today’s children, their inner circle of support and trust is very limited and rather fragile.
As adults, we crave for validation and care from people around us and a child expects exactly the same. However, as a parent the onus will be on you to reinvent expressions of affection and security that match the evolving emotional needs of your child. A gentle squeeze of hands, a pat on the back, a high five, ruffling of hair, or a good night kiss on the forehead are small gestures which convey to them that you are going to watch their back always. It is important not to go overboard with your touch, instead identify the child’s comfort level. Similarly, not all parents are natural huggers and might have their own unease in doing so. Child therapist Claire Mellethin says, “Do not underestimate the importance of playing and being silly with your children”. These other physical forms of expressing affection also create that burst of feel-good neuro-chemicals in the child’s brain.
Think beyond your childhood experience
Indian families have travelled a long way in terms of cultural and social set ups. Two or three decades ago, while the joint family system was the prevalent norm across the country, parents had lesser involvement in their children’s day to day lives. The extended circle of cousins, aunts and uncles gave a wider security network in a natural way. The same family system also meant that parents were rather wary of showering their affection publicly or openly upon their children. This social set-up unwittingly led to a scenario where parents and children always had some unease in expressing their emotions, especially when it came to fathers and sons.
be the best idea in terms of expression of your love. For today’s children, their inner circle of support and trust is very limited and rather fragile. If they cannot come to trust their parents, share their fears and insecurities freely, it is likely to lead to emotional issues and breakdowns. Protecting children from harmful, physical touch The positive role of hugs and other forms of physical touch is solidly established in the overall development of a child. But how well parents are able to express it and how well children receive it depends on their personal back stories. It is important that children trust their parents and close family members for support and strength, but it is equally important that they understand the difference between a good and a bad touch within their inner circle also. While you do not want to live in constant anxiety of your child being abused under the pretence of a close relationship; or your child growing up suspicious of every touch and affection, you also certainly do not want them to be exploited or damaged in the slightest way. Be aware, be alert and be available to your children and understand their instinctive recoiling against certain people or discomfort with certain touches irrespective of the closeness of the relationship. However, be mindful of not sowing seeds of mistrust and anxiety over every touch and relationship.
Community specific protocols and gestures of respect were ingrained much more emphatically than the need to express other emotions. Touching elders’ feet, covering the head, lowered eyes etc. had a more dominant presence. However, the communication of love and respect for the child as an individual which would build trust and openness was somewhat compromised. But today, the social and cultural fabric stands drastically revised. You may not have hugged your parents that many times, but carrying forward the same legacy might not May - June 2021
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Physical expression – Teens and Tweens
Take a moment to sit with them to guffaw and gossip, hold their hands and let them know that you are still there to guide them and watch their backs.
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As time passes, your little, dependent honey-bunches grow up entering their tweens and teens. In this new phase, they are much more independent in every way, with your role significantly diminished in their lives. At this stage, the biggest challenge for parents is to remain relevant in their children’s lives for the right reasons. The care, concern or love for each other does not reduce but each finds it difficult to reach out to the other. The cocooned life of school and home is over and the challenges of the real world raise their heads out of the hood. Now, tweens and teens will either come for that hug on their own when in need or will find it ‘weird’. But you will have to give them the time to ask for it and provide assurance from afar. Do not be over-keen to be part of their lives as you were in their younger years or intrude into their emotions lest they withdraw. Nevertheless, certainly take a moment to sit with them to guffaw and gossip, hold their hands and let them know that you are still there to guide them and watch their backs. The most important thing in this delicate transitional age is that you respect their personal space while they appreciate your availability and concerned involvement.
Last word
Every relationship demands trust, patience and effort to blossom and that is so with the parent-child bond too. The joy and success of a bond lies in the communication of feelings and emotions. Hugs and physical touches are effective ways to express those feelings that lead to emotionally and mentally nourished children. Parents today need to have their minds more open than the previous generations, so that their arms are in turn more open to hold their toddler, tween or teens in loving embraces. Of course, keeping their eyes open too for cues to gauge their child’s comfort level.
- Radhika Mimani
Health
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Health
What is emotional immunity? Through this article, you will appreciate the significance of building a conscious family culture and ways to create your own family emotional blueprint. My intent is to offer you a wisdom-based parenting approach to support children during these and future times. Let’s begin with this question. What is emotional health and what is its role in building resilience in children?
Emotional health is a person’s ability to respond to their feelings in a responsible way
Emotional health is a person’s ability to respond to their feelings in a responsible way. Just like physical health that involves action to care for our bodies, emotional health focuses on thoughts and feelings. It is challenging for humans to have full control on emotions, even though we like to believe otherwise. We cannot deny that emotions consume us without any invitation, whether we like it or not. When they hit us, we are pushed into tasting them in their natural, raw state. We could react to them, resist them, dismiss them or choose to respond to them by honouring them as a part of human experience. The last is a sign of positive emotional health, as it transforms emotional struggle into inner wisdom.
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Health
Steps to emotional immunity
Physical and emotional immunity As parents, we ensure that our children get the best of nutrition to support physiological development. We want them to eat well, on time, get the right amount of sleep, practise good hygiene and much more. The reason for this is that we want them to have strong bodies and good immunity. A strong, immune system does two things. First, it protects us from pathogens, things that can harm us. Second, if we do fall sick, a strong immunity helps us return to good health sooner. We will agree that our kids are not completely immune to every possible contaminant and if they fall ill, a strong and effective immune system will fight off the infection and return them to good health.
Building a conscious family culture The spiritual purpose behind parenting is to grow and transform, as a family. It is about creating a home environment where, everyone, including parents, commits to new ways of being, expressing and living. This means, there is no ‘greater – than’ or ‘lesser – than’ or ‘older – to’ or ‘younger – to’. No illusion of power or control, only oneness and togetherness. Tapping into this sacred togetherness, we become appreciative of the other’s role in our lives and carry a sense of gratitude and uniting force within. How can you do this? By choosing the following: • Affirming that emotions are important to you as a family. • Creating and holding space for everyone in the family to express their selves. • Honouring each other, instead of exercising control. • Collaborating instead of correcting. Riding out emotions When a child falls ill, or bruises, we immediately ask him to stop, take it easy and rest it out. The illness has to run its course and we give the body what it needs to work well. In the same way, when we are caught in bad weather (a storm, for example), we wait it out.
Without a doubt, there is a connection between the mind and the body. Psychoneuroimmunology (PNI) studies have shown the ways in which the immune system and the nervous system interact with one another and the impact that this interaction has on health. Each of us has a psychological immune system. This innate system helps us stay calm, strong and brave during challenging times. This system is strengthened through love, care, sense of belonging, acceptance and validation. The family, a unit that represents togetherness, holds the power to transform negative experiences into a clear emotional state.
Each of us has a psychological immune system. An innate system that helps us stay calm, strong and brave during challenging times.
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Health
Our emotions work in the same way. Emotions come and go, they are momentary. We build immunity by acknowledging the problem, paying attention to the emotions with compassion, and waiting for them to pass. We do not build immunity by pretending that the problem is not there. And we do not build immunity by telling our child to “toughen up’, ‘get over it’, or ‘man up’”. Instead we recognise the challenge our child is facing (whether it is big or small), we help them slow down, and patiently ride it out. This process builds immunity and resilience.. Talk to children about their mind Teaching children about emotional responses can be complicated. One way out is to use fun, relatable metaphors - ‘Guard dog’ mind and ‘Owl’ mind. These are two parts of our brain that are responsible for our safety and they help in making right choices. ‘Guard dog’ mind’s purpose is to protect us from threat and harm. When we feel an unpleasant emotion such as anger or jealousy, the ‘guard dog’ gets the body ready to move, whereas the ‘wise owl’ mind knows that not all situations pose a threat. So it instructs the ‘guard dog’ mind to calm down; helps us think logically and make right choices. Talking to children about their two minds helps them process emotions better. Building emotional dexterity Young children learn emotional dexterity from us. Emotional dexterity is not about ignoring difficult emotions and thoughts; it is about holding them loosely, facing them courageously and compassionately, and then moving past them to bring the best of oneself forward. Studies show that coaching children through their emotions helps them relate to their feelings as a human experience. We have to resist the temptation to reason or ‘fix’ emotional experiences, immediately. For instance, a child who wants a toy is likely to throw a tantrum in public. But reasoning or ‘fixing’ or putting things 26
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‘Guard dog’ mind and Owl’ mind these are two parts of our brain that are responsible for our safety and they help in making right choices. in context is not going to help. What really builds immunity is for children to experience uncomfortable feelings, name the feeling or the urge to have something, and you holding the space for the children to express the feeling. Engage in authentic communication Let us take the example of a child, aged 10, who has just lost her grandfather due to the global pandemic. She is unable to process the loss and grief. Turning clingy, she refuses to let her parents out of her sight. She wakes up in the night fearing death of her dear parents. This is a complex situation for any parent to deal with. The suggested approach is that you help the
child walk through the feeling of loss and anxiety. Firstly, acknowledge the suffering and vulnerability of the child. Know that she is missing the grandparent, and allow her to feel. Hold her with empathy without trying to move her away from difficult feelings. This is a good opportunity for you to engage in real communication. This means that we slow down, look at children in their eyes, listen to their feelings, and connect with their vulnerability. You can help them recognise the emotion, explore how that emotion feels, and assure children of its impermanence. This approach helps children feel safe and build a capacity for regulation of emotions - precisely what we are referring to as emotional immunity and resilience. Engage in family gratitude projects Gratitude is an intrinsic component of the human experience. It is not just an emotion but an active, energising force
Health
with the power to change life - from lack to abundance, complaining to appreciating and emptiness to fulfillment. One idea is to have a family bulletin board where members can post simple, ‘thank you’ notes, or just emojis on sticky notes. This fosters happiness and contentment. You can also choose to place a gratitude jar or a basket for everyone to drop notes, acknowledging the goodness in others. These are some potent ways to remind ourselves of all the good things happening in our lives.
Emotions are contagious - they spread like flu and children ‘catch’ them, unconsciously.
Be aware of emotional contagion One way to enhance your family’s emotional health is to take responsibility of your own inner states; these include thoughts, emotions and suffering. Emotions are contagious - they spread like flu and children ‘catch’ them, unconsciously. There is evidence, that even on social media, people post based on what they see. Negative posts inspire more negative posts, and positive posts trigger positive comments and posts from people. Sensibly, it is wise to invest in your own emotional health. Joke around, laugh, indulge in a hobby, put together a comfort meal and make your happiness a priority. Spread the happiness “bug” around you. Inspire responsibility Normally, it is difficult to associate children with taking responsibility for emotions. Yet, this is the crux of what builds emotional immunity in children. When we communicate compassionately and clearly with our children, we collaborate with them. Our goal is not to fix the problem for children, rather it is to empower them to develop solutions on their own or with our gentle inputs. Children are born with a strong desire to be autonomous. They are born to make choices, to be resilient. Our job is to stand beside them and facilitate the development of those attributes.
An approach you can use How do you do this? Contemplate on these questions:
What does my child need right now? Calmness, comfort, assurance or is my child hungry, angry, lonely or tired? How can I help? Right now, what is the best way to handle this? Who is the best one to handle this? Father, mother, grandmother, friend, counsellor? A family is a unit of a larger society. It is helpful to reach out to the right person or ask for help. Is this the right time to address this problem or find a solution? Am I ready, is my child ready?
We hold answers to these questions and give each other the opportunity to explore these answers. By creating an open, expressive environment, you allow emotional strength to be the core value. Children, undoubtedly, will develop the confidence to navigate emotions and relate to them in a healthy way. And, in the process, we would have developed a culture and a system where the family embodies emotional resilience and deep connections.
- Fathima Asghar
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Lifeskills through Stories
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Lifeskills through Stories
Ever since Saxena had attended the first of the weekly training sessions on the seven habits, he was no longer the same man that he had been. As Vice President (Marketing) of a mid-sized pharmaceutical firm, he had been under the impression that his main goal in life was to be a successful executive, get quick promotions and big raises and provide well, for the family to lead a life of luxury. He worked meticulously towards this end - retire wealthy, play golf and travel around the world. But the session, last week, on the habit Begin with the End in Mind had changed it all. His so-called goals felt hollow ... just an ambition ... completely self-centred. After hours and hours of meditative reflection, he realised his true mission – to be an agent to improve health, fitness and longevity of people by selling affordable prescription drugs. He now saw his job from a completely different perspective. Saxena considered a drug for treating cancer developed by his company and introduced in the market the previous year. He had made a strong pitch for the drug to be priced very high. The doctors (and their patients) were very happy with the results. The sales volume of this drug was not great. But the drug proved to be extremely profitable due to the high price and the very low cost of manufacturing.
After realising his new mission, Saxena felt a pang of guilt. He saw many patients suffer as they could not afford the drug. He saw, that with a reduced price, more cancer patients would enjoy good health and longevity. His newly realised mission demanded that he embark on the task of reducing the price of the drug. He figured that the profit for the company would not drop either - the increase in sales volume at the new price would compensate for the reduced margin per unit sold. Asking for a price reduction would be a complete volte-face of Saxena’s stance at the time of pricing the drug. The senior management might even consider that he had ‘gone off his rocker’. They would be in no mood to rock the boat on a profitable product. To pursue this project, Saxena would need to spend a lot of time and energy collecting statistics and studying recent journal papers on price sensitivity of life-saving drugs. He would need to prepare a presentation to justify the price reduction. He already had several pressing problems to be resolved, including a letter from the Drug Controller General to be replied to. In addition he had many scheduled meetings to attend and reports to be submitted. He looked at his diary and said, ‘To hell with any struggle to reduce the price. Not at this point of time, anyway.’ His concern for cancer patients, however, nagged him. May - June 2021
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Lifeskills through Stories
Important Tasks
No so Important Tasks
Time
he removed the hand to pick an egg for placing, the mountain of nuts slid into the cavity. Someone suggested, ‘Screw the eggs into the nuts and bury them.’ He tried. He had to be gentle, as the eggs could break and make a mess. The idea did not work. With much difficulty, he managed to place four eggs and just about closed the lid of the jar. No egg was broken. There was cheering from the class fellows.
It was with these unsettling thoughts that Saxena entered the next session on The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, but was distracted with what he saw placed on the faculty’s table - a couple of empty glass jars, a box of groundnuts and a dozen eggs. ‘This large empty jar represents all the time that one has,’ explained the faculty, Dr. J. ‘The groundnuts represent most of what requires to be done – what we spend time on, say during the course of a week; things that we get bogged down with; reading and responding to mail, resolving issues that have cropped up, attending meetings, answering phone calls, appraising performance, filing tax returns, assisting children with homework, driving to and from work, entertaining guests, checking and responding to WhatsApp messages.’ The participants nodded.
equipment that frequently breaks down, reading technical papers to offer a seminar to colleagues, writing a personal mission statement, vacationing with the family, meditating and exercising to relieve a backache. The eggs that are here represent these little projects to meet important goals, both professional and personal. You may note that there is no urgency for these tasks, though they are important. ‘You need to fit in the eggs also into this glass jar without breaking any. Mind you, a broken egg represents bungling and making a mess of the important project. For instance, a poorly prepared proposal would not be approved. ... Any volunteer?’ ‘It is obvious that no one can put all the eggs in,’ Saxena said as he stepped forward to take on the task. ‘I’ll see how many eggs I can put in.’
The professor then carefully emptied the box of nuts into the glass jar. The jar was now about two-thirds full. ‘There are also several important tasks that need your attention and time – developing long-term solutions to nagging problems, preparing justification for replacing an
‘In reality too, with the numerous tasks and meetings on hand, we are not left with any time to work towards long term goals or projects,’ added Rupa seated in front. The rest of the class echoed Rupa’s sentiments. Saxena made a deep crater by scooping out nuts and stacking these around. But when
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‘What about the other eight eggs, Saxena?’ asked the Professor. He responded with a shrug of resignation, ‘Impossible ... can’t be done.’ ‘We will see how it can be done.’ After a pause the Prof. added, ‘I will use this identical jar,’ and placed the eggs gently, one by one, in. After placing all the eggs, he transferred the nuts from the jar (that presently had the nuts) into the other jar with the eggs, mildly jiggling the jar now and then. He soon got all the nuts, in. There was a spontaneous applause as he closed the jar. Dr. J. acknowledged with his oft repeated phrase, ‘It’s not rocket science.’ He explained, ‘It’s a question of what you put into the jar, first - the eggs or the nuts? Similarly, it is a question of what you schedule first – the important tasks or the ‘not so important tasks’. This is the essence of Habit Number 3, Put First Things First.’ He further explained the Time Management Matrix. ‘We get mixed up between what is important and what is urgent, and then get bogged down by the urgent tasks. That is why you jiggle the nuts around the eggs, and not, the eggs around the nuts.
Lifeskills through Stories
This matrix slots typical activities into four categories based on two dimensions – Urgency and Importance. Urgent tasks are those that cannot wait. For example, when there is a knock on the door, one drops any activity in progress to open the door. Not-urgent activities are those that can be postponed, without any immediate serious repercussions.
It is a question of what you schedule first – the important tasks or the ‘not so important tasks’. This is the essence of Habit Number 3, Put First Things First.
Important activities are those that lead to a valuable outcome and serve a valuable intended purpose for the person concerned. Activities that are important to someone else may not fall in the ‘Important’ category of the person concerned. Seeking a technical clarification may be important to a colleague, but would be a ‘Not Important’ activity for the person the clarification is sought from. The lists given in the categories above are representative. There would be exceptions. It may be noted that Quadrant II activities, move into Quadrant I category if left unattended over a period of time. For
instance, preparing the income tax return is a Quadrant II activity, a month before due date. Later it moves to a Quadrant I activity. When this activity is executed as an Important-Urgent activity, there is a chance of making an error in the IT return, triggering more Quadrant I activities. To practise Put First Things First, make an hourly plan for a whole week, in a diary. Put in the Quadrant II activities first and then schedule Quadrant I and inevitable Quadrant III activities. To accommodate these activities one needs to transfer the time that would have, otherwise been spent on Quadrant IV activities. To succeed in putting first things first without straining relationships - one would need the three interdependence habits namely, Habits Numbers 4, 5 and 6. ‘The habit, Put First Things First, can find a place, if and only if, Habit Number 2, Begin with the end in mind, is already in place. Habit Number 2 tells you where you are headed, and Habit Number 3 tells you March - April 2021
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Lifeskills through Stories
the way to get there. In fact you will need to practise all the other six habits to get there. After lunch, I will briefly explain all the seven habits.’ Saxena’s resolve to work towards reducing the price of the drug was rekindled. He planned to spend four hours the next day on this ‘Important but Not Urgent’ task. He considered the other tasks on hand. Drafting a reply to the Drug Controller loomed large. He decided to delegate the drafting to Rajesh, a senior manager in his team; he could fine-tune the draft later. This would save precious time. During the lunch break he telephoned Rajesh, who appeared quite excited about being given this responsibility. After the tele-talk Saxena felt energised and already felt he was practising Habit Number 3. There was also a meeting of all department heads called by Mustafa, VP (HR) to be considered. The meeting concerned a revision of the current Performance Appraisal system. Saxena realised that this meeting, which would take an entire afternoon, may be important to Mustafa, but was not important to Saxena accomplishing his mission. But Mustafa was influential and had the ear of the CEO. Nobody missed a meeting called by VP (HR). Saxena had no clue, how he would handle it. The faculty started the afternoon session emphatically saying, ‘To practise this habit you need Habit No 1, Be Proactive. Sometimes you will need to move the nuts out of the space needed for an egg - not by trying to screw the egg and using force but by jiggling gently. Otherwise this egg will break. Remember, Being Proactive means exercising the four human endowments; Self-awareness, Imagination, Conscience and Independent will.’ By the end of the programme, Saxena decided that he would meet Mustafa in person. His house was just a small deviation, on his way home. He would be upfront honest and state his true reason for staying away from the meeting. Mustafa, a good ten years older than him, was amiable and a good listener. Saxena briefed Mustafa on the effectiveness of the training programme. The VP (HR) was pleased. It was he who had recommended the training sessions. Saxena then narrated all about the drug’s pricing, and explained 32
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how he wished to go about the pricereduction proposal. Mustafa’s response surprised Saxena. ‘Sax, can you recall the five declared values of our company?’ Without waiting for an answer, he continued, ‘Cost Effectiveness and Valuing Human Lives’ are two of the five values. I have been concerned that our company does not quite respect the declared values. If you succeed in reducing the price of this critical drug, it will be a demonstration of our company’s values. You can count on me as an ally. Go ahead and work on your proposal.’ Over tea, Mustafa picked Saxena’s brain on the short comings of the current Performance Appraisal system – which was the purpose of the scheduled meeting that Saxena would be skipping.
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Seek First to Understand ... Then to be Understood: Seeking to build interpersonal relationships by empathic listening in all communications.
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Synergise: Unleashing the power in people and producing more, than the constituent parts, by creative cooperation.
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Sharpen the Saw: Constantly endeavouring to improve one’s physical, emotional, mental and spiritual abilities.
As Saxena drove back home his thoughts were on his children. Saxena and Ranjini identified an important goal - to facilitate their children, Amita and Avinash, to recognise their mission and grow up with a sense of purpose. They also wished that the children would imbibe all the seven habits. But neither of them had any clue as to how to go about it. Epilogue:
The Seven Habits in Brief
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Be Proactive: Making conscious decisions by engaging the human endowments of imagination, independent-will, conscience and selfawareness, rather than react to stimuli.
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Begin with the End in Mind: Recognising one’s mission in life and working to accomplish this mission.
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Put First Things First: Identifying and scheduling tasks that are truly important for the accomplishment of one’s mission and prioritising these tasks, though these tasks may not be urgent.
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Think Win/Win: Striving to resolve any conflict (including negotiations) for such a result where both parties experience a win.
Saxena worked late into the nights studying and preparing for the presentation scheduled on Tuesday, to justify the price reduction for the drug. The presentation, to the Committee of Management, was crisp and to the point. Mustafa was the first one to speak when he was done. Saxena’s proposal was approved with some minor changes. Saxena couldn’t wait to share this outcome with Ranjini. Ranjini spent a good part of the week learning from the internet. She learnt that children who develop a number of abilities early-on in life, particularly social and emotional skills, are the ones who identify a sense of purpose also early-on in life. Yet, she did not know what exactly do. That Tuesday afternoon, while browsing, she found a book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teenagers. She was delighted to discover that this book was authored by Sean Covey, Stephen Covey’s son. There was a companion workbook as well and an audio CD. She couldn’t wait to tell her husband of this find.
- Dr. Jeyakar Vedamanickam
Book Reviews
Books for Children 3-5 years Book: Noa and the Elephant Author: Michael Foreman Publisher: HarperCollins This tale of Noa and the little Elephant is soul-stirring. It is set in a small village in Africa, where Noa resides. He loves all animals and is especially fond of gazing at them. But most of all, Noa loves to watch the elephant and its little baby playing. The story gains pace when the little baby elephant is left alone. The narrative is quite effortless; appealing and easy for young children. It is also very heartwarming and demonstrates to children the beautiful relationships that can be built between animals and human beings. The pictures are another great feature of the book.
6-9 years Book: Mini’s Books Author: Nandini Nayar Publisher: HarperCollins Children’s Books Nandini Nayar is famous for her outstanding non-fiction and children’s books. In this book, Mini is a curious kid who falls in love with a series of books named ‘Big Little Monsters’. The compelling part is how Mini goes on to read the books ‘again-and-
again’ and even tries to become like a ‘Big Little Monster’. This book lets the readers find how the books affect her. The story is beautifully written in simple words and hence it is easy for children to grasp the happenings in the book. The illustrations are quite engaging and will attract the kids even more. Overall, it is a sweet and fun book.
10-12 years Book: Ranthambore Adventure Author: Deepak Dalal Publisher: Penguin House Deepak Dalal is a wild life lover and enthusiast. Apart from that, story-telling and character depiction are other great skills that he has. This book is the first in the ‘Vikram and Aditya’ series. Throughout the narration, your tween be engaged and wanting to keep reading ahead. This book focuses on the threat to tigers and the protection of wildlife. Deepak Dalal beautifully gives a space to each of the characters including the tiger cubs, Genghis and Padmini. The story is so well-written that readers feel the aura of nature around them.
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Book Reviews
13-15 years Book: The Secret Life of Debbie G Author: Vibha Batra & Kalyani Ganapathy Publisher: HarperCollins Children’s Books The world of social media and its sheer influence on today’s teenagers is the key plot in this story. It demonstrates how receiving a certain number of likes and comments on social media can be alluring as well as drastically life-challenging for a young person. This very well-written book has managed to capture the life of Arya, who is 16 and is struggling a lot, due to certain insecurities, family problems, and being bullied by the ‘Superbrats’. She then goes on to become an overnight social media sensation.
16+ years Book: Jaya: An Illustrated Retelling of the Mahabharata Author: Devdutt Pattanaik Publisher: Penguin House The retelling of the epic Mahabharata is not an easy task, but Devdutt has managed to deliver a masterpiece. The writing is quite easy to understand and is compelling to readers. The book is divided into three major sections and 18 minor parts. Each chapter is a story in itself, as it has a full-fledged beginning, middle and ending. May- June 2021
Non fiction for teenagers Book: So You Want to Know About the Environment Author: Bijal Vachharajani Publisher: Red Turtle Rupa The world is in an urgent need of environment protection and sustainability. Children need ideas to make this happen; this book has done an amazing job of reaching ideas to them. Everything in this book is written in such a captivating way that children will look forward to reading the following pages.
Engaging and creative illustrations are the next best thing in this book, after the story narration. The authors have managed to write the book with absolute authenticity.
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There is no bias or taking of sides in any way, throughout the book. Creative illustrations on certain pages are a treat and hold the readers’ attention. The book is very well-written in simple English.
There are questions, quizzes, stories and even jokes for the kids to engage in, while learning about the crisis the world is mired in. There are also many activities that are suggested for youngsters to get involved in. The book is crafted in an interactive manner, and is much recommended for all the young minds out there.
- Sakshi Pathak, 18 years, Noida
Spotlight
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Spotlight
The many forms of child abuse Child abuse can be broadly categorised as physical, sexual, emotional and different forms of neglect. • Physical abuse happens when an adult causes deliberate bodily injury to a child – such as hitting, pinching. • Sexual abuse is the exploitation of a child involving a sexual act. • Emotional abuse refers to adults behaving in such a way as to impact a child’s social and mental development. • Neglect of a child happens when adults do not carry out necessary care and support activities essential for a child.
Emotional abuse of children could lead to psychological disorders, substance abuse and deeper emotional problems in adulthood.
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There have been many discussions on ‘good touch, bad touch’ and other aspects of child sexual abuse. It assumes different forms and happens even without physical contact and is highly damaging. In this article, I want to focus on the different types of emotional abuse that are equally crippling and may lie beneath the surface for many years. Emotional abuse of children could lead to psychological disorders, substance abuse and deeper emotional problems in adulthood.
Types of emotional abuse of children At one end of the spectrum are insulting, belittling words, and actions, while at the other end is total indifference. Parents may withhold physical affection or a loving touch — both of which are essential for a child’s emotional development. If a parent/ guardian/caregiver does not show a child love or make them feel wanted, secure, and worthy, the result is emotional deprivation. Sporadic incidents take place in all families from time to time when one is upset. These are not instances of emotional abuse; there is a difference between outbursts and repetitive behaviour patterns. It is abuse when insulting, belittling words, withdrawal of love etc. recur and persist.
Spotlight
Belittling the child in public, threatening severe punishments, having unrealistic expectations constitute emotionally abusive behaviour.
Humiliation
“He walked the colony lanes with the little girl on his shoulders in the hot afternoons. I watched from my window as I took a break from my work at the laptop. The young man was an indispensable part of that large household. He worked for the young mother, a perfectionist. Living in an elegant house, she worked hard to balance her work, home, husband and two small kids. The children were kept busy with activity classes, tuitions, birthday parties. Usually working late, she multi-tasked everything with phone instructions. I had recently read the book “Bitter Chocolate” by Pinki Virani. It had shattered the ‘holier than thou’ Indian family image and had brought out revelations of child abuse. I worried about every kid on the block. The neighbours had often seen the young man with her children; one of the mothers voiced their concerns to her. She froze and pretended not to understand. She observed her daughter with the driver during the weekend. As it was time for the afternoon class, he lifted the little girl and sat her on his shoulders.
He walked towards the car park. She ran out after them, screaming. “You stupid girl! Why do you have to sit on his shoulder? Get down immediately!” The driver was shocked and put the child down. The mother slapped her daughter. “You have no sense, you idiot! Can you see any other kid doing the same? Shameless! No cartoons and no chocolates for you for a week. Till I punish you, you will not understand.” The driver bore a minor brunt. “Be careful!” The mother brushed her fears aside. Life was back on track again.” This simple incident is an example of a typical parent-child relationship that is emotionally abusive. Belittling the child in public, threatening severe punishments, having unrealistic expectations constitute emotionally abusive behaviour. Namecalling in public can be tremendously damaging. An incident, such as the one described above, can scar a child. Vulnerable children cannot react immediately. There are no burns, bruises, or broken bones. But there is no conversation, no explanation, and instead, an exclusion of the child from the parent’s embrace and support. The child feels neither loved nor desired.
Emotional abuse gets the least attention in the spectrum of abuses of children and, simultaneously, is the one with the highest prevalence. Emotional abuse slowly chips away at the child’s self-esteem, creating self-doubt. If a consistent pattern of abusive words and bullying behaviour continues, the child internalises it and eventually replicates the same as an adult.
Neglect “She is an engineer. Having struggled to build her business from scratch, she is now thriving. Her husband is an ordinary man in a regular, government job. There is no love lost between the couple. Living in a posh, high-rise apartment building, she has collected all material comforts. Her parents live with them. Their son loved coming over to my house and enjoyed sharing meals with us. I have a son too, and I welcomed the neighbour’s son with much love. Sometimes I wondered why none of his family members bothered to find out where he was. He would spend four-five hours at our place without blinking an eyelid. I was happy that the boys were together. Then the mother fell sick. The only one being ‘COVID-positive’, she isolated herself. I noticed that her office staff was sending her packed, hot meals. May - June 2021
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Spotlight
Children living in an environment of conflict and abuse will actively interpret, predict, and worry about the consequences
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Lifeskills through Stories
Conflict I wondered why the mother did not cook for her daughter in this difficult period. After her recovery, when we talked, she shared that being isolated for fourteen days was the maximum time she had ever spent with herself. Her parents had wanted a son, and when she was born, her parents closed all doors of affection. She had grown up alone with her books and a strong desire to excel. She married the first man who spoke to her kindly. To prove that her marriage was a success, she had a child in the first year itself. She slogged to build her business. Her son was left alone to do as he wanted. She lives her life, still trying to prove to her parents that she is as good as a son. I understood why her son loved being with us. Because her parents had overlooked her as a child, she feels hollow and unable to give motherly affection. The sad cycle repeats itself.”
“He loved to drink a bit more than the fun, social drink. She hated it when he went overboard. There was tension after every party. Slowly, she stopped inviting people and avoided going to parties. As she battled his alcoholism and the financial burden to meet expenses alone, the son became withdrawn. They did not argue in front of the child, but he was no fool. The climate of conflict was transmitted to him. She was tense and fearful that the boy may imitate the father eventually. In her effort to protect him, she sent him to a boarding school. He would return on holidays, and the parents tried their best to give him a happy time. This pattern continued till the boy was sick, and she brought him home. During that period, he complained about his dad drinking in the day while she was at work. That was the tipping point for her. She left with her son, to stay with her parents. The boy slowly regained health and told his mother, “How
Spotlight
Lifeskills through Stories
long will you wait to divorce your husband?” The boy never spoke to his father again and carried a grudge against the mother for sending him far from her, to boarding school. He cannot trust people and has very few friendships.” No one is to blame here, but a conflicting atmosphere at home scars children. Children living in an environment of conflict and abuse will actively interpret, predict, and worry about the consequences, engage in problem-solving, and take measures to protect themselves, both physically and emotionally.
The parents manipulated the younger daughter for financial support. She could never have relationships, was lonely, depressed and took to drinking with recurring, self-destructive incidents.” Manipulation is the action of indirectly interfering with the decision-making process of another person in a clever, unscrupulous way. Psychological manipulation is abusive. It is deceptive to make a child behave the way the perpetrator wants.
Manipulation is the action of indirectly interfering with the decision-making process of another person in a clever, unscrupulous way.
In case of tension between the parents, children are often manipulated. It may be done knowingly or unknowingly by one of the parents, out of fear, to change the child’s relationship with the other. Coerced to ally with one parent, children become instruments for bargaining. Unjustifiably removed from a parent, sometimes for years, they grow up emotionally amputated. Yes, this, too, is a form of abuse. Children may referee, try to rescue their mother, as in this case. Much of childhood is lost in the battle of egos.
Manipulation
““She is dark.” “She has a big nose.” “Who will marry her?” Uncles and aunties repeated these words to her mum. Quiet, an introvert, suspicious of everyone, she thought adults were mean and cruel. She hated herself. Her parents favoured their older daughter, who was fair and beautiful. Desperate to feel wanted, she instinctively reached out to her sister until one day, she too screamed out for all to hear: “Can’t you see that I hate you as much as Mom and Dad do! Don’t come near me, I feel ugly, like you.” That day, she attempted suicide for the first time. She lived, but became painfully shy and withdrawn. The older one turned out to be a selfish daughter, expecting her family to support her modelling experiments.
Signs of emotional abuse in children • Being anxious or afraid. • Appearing withdrawn or emotionally distant. • Showing extremes of behaviour - obedience, and then belligerence. • Showing age-inappropriate behaviour, such as sucking a thumb in primary or middle school. • Lack of attachment to a parent/guardian/caregiver.
I often remind myself of this African proverb: “It takes a village to raise a child”. It means that we, as a community of people, must interact with all children so ensure that they safely in a healthy environment. Our responsibility is to be alert, observant and prevent child abuse because what happens in childhood does not stay in childhood.
- Bindiya Bedi Charan Noronha
May - June 2021
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