Thursday 28th October 2021 | PALATINATE
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Satire Satire Editors: ‘Bloodcurdling’ Benjamin Lycett & Hannah ‘Hell’ Williams For more satire, visit www.palatinate.org.uk/category/satire
Palatinat e Satire
alleged ‘zombie invasion’ actually hungover students going to 9am lectures
English Dept. misunderstands need for state-of-the-art meeting Owls’ Digital development is at the forefront of the University’s ‘Soaring 4 Success’ and ‘empowering people towards the extraordinary’ strategy, however a particular department were dumbfounded at the need for a ‘new,’ ‘innovative,’ ‘ahead-of-the-curb’ parliament of owls, claiming to have been “doing this kind of thing for years.” In an exclusive interview with Palatinate, one spokesperson called Liz Tawny revealed that “it just doesn’t seem financially justifiable to me, to spend all this money on new digital owls when our lovely barn owls are just as efficient’” although, she did
go on to mention that a few of the Little Owls had struggled with some of the larger parcels in the past. The Official launch of these state-ofthe-art Owls is set to take place at Elvet Riverside, with a masterclass in owl wood carving and an owl flying display, to honour the previous owls. It is rumoured that the next part of the strategy will pump millions into upgrading the ‘Owl Pro’ to the ‘Owl Pro X 9,000 High RES’, which is to start hooting and taking flight mid seminar, ‘for a seasonably spooky, immersive experience for our students.’
Durham student housing
Earlier this morning, reports emerged of an apocalyptic army of the undead marching toward the University campus, with some of them heard to be moaning the word ‘brains’. However, concerned citizens were relieved to find out the flock of pale-faced figures trudging to the site were actually just bleary-eyed students reluctantly attending their 9am lectures. Palatinate was told the reason they were muttering ‘brains’ due to the pounding headaches they were experiencing after a particularly disorderly ‘Players Wednesday’. The all-clear came in the nick of time for the campus security guard, who had been worried he would need to face a terrifying onslaught alone: “Thankfully they were just tired-looking students, I was lucky I’d only gunned down a couple of them by that point.”
The potential invasion was initially reported by a passerby who thought they’d seen a ghoulish figure devouring a brain on their walk through the town centre. In reality, the ‘brain’ was really student’s breakfast, a solid mound of mince, because it was the only thing left in their fridge after they drunkenly inhaled its contents when they got in at 3am.
I WAS LUCKY ID ONLY GUNNED
DOWN
A
COUPLE OF THEM As it turns out, there had been one actual zombie on the loose in Durham, going round devouring the brains of Geography students. Although, nobody has reported changes in any of the geographers’ behaviour or cognitive abilities.
Pumpkins for sale
Love
Selling 1000s of pumpkins, perfect for carving some scary Halloween designs! Earliest delivery available from 1st November.
Looking for a suitable ghoulfrien. I’m your average ghost: I love chilling in abandoned manor houses and haunting the unsuspecting.
Contact: Lolthe@tsiro.nic
Contact: imaghost@ghoulglemail.com
Curtains needed
Head Chef wanted
Just your average vamipre looking for something to keep that pesky sun out of my lounge during the day so I can watch ‘Bargain Hunt’ in peace.
3 years kitchen experience necessary. Must know how to properly season, roast and severe heads.
Contact: dracula@realemailaddress.com
Contact: owner@river-bookitchen.com
Missing Cat
Art
Has anyone seen my black cat Hilda? Last seen when I was doing my normal business on Monday, putting a curse on the Clarke family down the road.
Prof. Cuthbert Binns, 689 yrs old, looking to commission some signs for my Hawthorn terrace kitchen, ‘creepin’ it real in the viaduct’, ‘ghouls just want to have fun’ and ‘I’m here for the boos’ would be smashing. Drop by my office hours from 2am4am if interested.
Contact: BeatrixTheWitch@AOL. com
