C M YK
E R I T SA Sunday, 31 - 06 June, 2020 I Issue 173 I Pages 04 I Sections 06 I Rs 30
China launches Ghazwa-e-Hind
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mujahideen’s ability to perform jihad missions,” said Xi Jinping on the sidelines of the week-long sitting of the National People’s Congress (NPC), the national parliament of China. This follows a decision to increase the budget for the Chinese jihad by $178 billion. Xi Jinping’s formal launch of Ghazwa-e-hind has come amidst growing military exchanges between India and China in Ladakh and Sikkim sectors, and also at the Lipulekh tri-junction with Nepal. China is understood to have incorporated Nepal in Ghazwa-e-hind as demonstrated by the recent developments
LEH/GANGTOK/URUMQI
hINeSe President Xi Jinping has asked the People’s Liberation Army (PLA) to prepare for Ghazwa-e-hind during the covid19 pandemic. Xi Jinping, as quoted by state news agency Xinhua, said, “It is necessary to explore ways of training and preparing for Ghazwa-e-hind, because regular warfare efforts have been normalised.” “It is necessary to step up preparations for armed jihad, to flexibly carry out actual mujahideen training, and to improve our
over Lipulekh, Kalapani and Limpiyadhura areas of Pithoragarh district in Uttarakhand.The Line of Actual Control (LAC) in Ladakh is slated to be the hub of Ghazwa-e-hind with Chinese soldiers set to dismantle the infidels in Galwan Valley, Pangong Tso, Demchok and Daulat Beg Oldie. Sources within the Chinese mujahideen have confirmed that leading expert on Ghazwa-e-hind Zaid hamid has been personally summoned by Xi Jinping to be the chief strategist and cheerleader of Chinese jihad on India.
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indian army stunned as nuclear-assed spy craps weaponsgrade uranium projectiles THE DEPENDENT
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India-China border tension: India offers to fight Pakistan instead
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THE DEPENDENT
he ongoing tension between India and China has entered a new phase after the Indian army has offered the Chinese army to fight the Pakistan army instead. “Yes, we ran the numbers, and it would appear that we’re punching above our weight here,” said Ajay Kumar, Union Defence Secretary. “We have formally written to the Chinese government that were the tension on the Sikkim border not resolved, we would like for the Indian Army to fight
the Pakistan Army instead of the People’s Liberation Army.” “We haven’t gotten word from them yet but we hope that they will respond to our request,” he said. “I would like to qualify here that this offer extends only to the Pakistani army,” he said. “We are not offering for the Indian Air Force to fight the Pakistani Air Force, because, again, punching above our weight there. Our offer is for the IAF to fight the Bhutan Air Force instead.” Upon being informed that the Kingdom of Bhutan does not have an air force, Kumar said, “yeah, that’s about right, then.” g
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he Indian Border Security Forces (BSF) have been left stunned after capturing the deadliest Pakistani spy pigeon yet, The Dependent has learnt. According to sources, the pigeon “with a prominent pink patch and a tag on its leg”, who was logged at the police station as a “suspected Pakistani spy” on Monday after having been handed over to the police in Indian held Kashmir, is the first nuclear capable Pakistani spy. Sources within the Indian intelligence and the BSF have confirmed that the Pakistani spy was ‘nuclear assed’, with the now prisoner of war seen crapping ‘weapons grade nuclear material’. “We immediately took the contaminated sh*t to the laboratory to be tested and it was discovered that it was projectiles which had a high concentration of fissile isotopes uranium-235 and plutonium-239,” revealed a
senior military scientist while talking to The Dependent. “We found evidence of isotope separation within the pigeon’s digestive system, which functioned as a nuclear reactor,” the nuclear scientist added. Intelligence officials said that the pigeon has initially been suspected of being part of an “espionage attempt” but has now been confirmed as a formal nuclear attack by Pakistan. Sources further confirm that the
Martial law declared in US; Gen Milley takes oath as president
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S the protests in the multiple American cities spill into lawlessness, the United States Chairman Joint Chiefs of Staff Committee, General Mark A. Milley took over on Monday. After declaring himself as the Chief Martial Law Administrator, he was administered oath as President by Justice Clarence Thomas, who earlier took oath under a Provisional Constitution Order, after Chief Justice John Roberts, along with
six other Justices refused to take oath. “My dead fellow Americans,” said the new President, addressing the public on C-SPAN. “In light of the current, tense circumstances, I have suspended the house of Representatives, Senate, respective state legislatures and local governments till further notice.” “A state of emergency has been declared but do keep in mind, this is all for a short period of time,” he clarified. “The new government thinks of itself as a custodian of the people’s
confidence and new elections to all these legislatures shall be conducted within a period of ninety days, after which I shall be overcome with emotions that the people would have reposed in me and unwilling continue to be president.” The development has been welcomed with caution by political observers. “I think it is what was needed, really, given the sheer conflagration that we are seeing in our cities right now. he is a thorough professional and has a clear, focused head on his shoulders,” said Mosharraf Zaidi, a political analyst. “I know MS Word, am a team player and can work with deadlines,” Zaidi added. g
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pigeon relentlessly crapped throughout the day on Thursday, May 28. This is not the first time a Pakistani spy pigeon has been by the Indian forces. In 2015, a pigeon was captured by Indian forces for crossing the IndoPak border into India’s Pathankot area. Indian intelligence sources are concerned about the internal damage the past pigeons might’ve caused given that there internal anatomy was never inspected. g
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E D I TO R ’S N OT E The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour. The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
C M YK
02 OPINION&EDITORIAL IMAGES OF THE WEEK
Sunday, 31 - 06 May, 2020
E D I TO R I A L
Social distancing
Come to The Dependent seminar next week to learn
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e, at Pakistan’s Paper of Record, take our social responsibility as thought leaders very seriously. It is for this very purpose, we are organising a seminar on the concept of social distancing. The Haq & Haq Sanitiser sponsored event will have talks and lectures by
N OT T H E D E P E N D E N T
leaders in distancing and will be held next to our office at Avari. The hall is going to have a maximum seating for seven hundred and fifty people, but for those willing to sit in the aisles, the total number could go up to one thousand people. The talks are going to be followed by tea and refreshments, where the attendees can intermingle and discuss all
that they have just learnt. The elderly and those with lung conditions are specially at risk due to the Coronavirus so they would have a lot to learn from this session. If the inaugural event goes well, we might replicate the seminar in cities other than Lahore as well. Hoping for a healthy turnout! g
OPINION
Mufti Muneeb should tell us on oath how many lunar ephemeris he has read By Fawad Technology
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IRST of all, let me begin by thanking everyone for the love and support these days. In this, I also include everyone who has been hating on me for the reasons why others have been supporting me. Because that hate is almost as precious as the love. At the forefront of this are the nation’s progressive darzis, who have been prominently featured in this week’s edition of The Dependent. I would like to tell them all that I love all the capes, and they all fit as well. Perhaps when I do something you like the next time, you can root for me, and I’ll flaunt one of those capes. Indeed, for featuring the darzis, and then this opinion piece of mine, I would like to thank The Dependent as well. After all, no matter how many people consider you a superhero, and no matter how many capes you wear, some heroes don’t wear capes – they just edit poorly written opinion pieces for their editorial page. I salute such heroes! Of course, I can spend the rest of this Op-ed – or my life – thanking everyone for their support, but as mentioned above I need to create more opportunities that would allow me to wear those capes that y’all have sewn for me. I consider this opinion piece that opportunity – especially now that it has been properly edited and structured with everything where it should be. Many of you, including the nation’s progressive darzis, objected to Mufti Muneeb’s personal jibe at me. You are all kind, but that pathetic remark of his was made because he actually doesn’t consider religious rituals a
personal matter, he considers it professional. After all, it is his business, and has been for decades. Of course, these businesses themselves need to be revamped. But I must remind him, and everyone else, that it was not owing to this business that we clashed. We clashed over a simple question of locating the moon – everything else is a subplot. Now, I have never been a businessman of Mufti Muneeb’s sector, but I have been in-charge of activities that are directly responsible for locating the moon. In this regard, we launched an app as well last year, which continues to function flawlessly. So not it’s my turn to question Mufti Muneeb’s credentials in astronomy and celestial navigation. I want to know his handling of the
trajectory of naturally occurring astronomical objects as well as artificial satellites in the sky, either in printed tables of values, or electronically computed. I’d like to know his experience in calculating the astronomical position from an ephemeris, given the spherical polar coordinate system. Does he have any familiarity with the astronomical phenomena like eclipses, apparent retrograde motion/planetary stations, planetary ingresses, sidereal time, positions for the mean and true nodes of the moon, the phases of the moon, and the positions of minor celestial bodies? Dear Mufti Muneeb, please tell us all on oath, how many lunar ephemeris have you read. g
Satire
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
C MYK
NATIONAL 03
Sunday, 31 - 6 June, 2020
Nation’s progressive darzis sew eid capes for Fawad Chaudhry
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EsPiTE their businesses being hit by the covid-19 pandemic, darzis around the country were seen working overtime for a self-assigned project on the eve of Eid. The darzis, who belong to the progressive sector, remained open after completing their final Eid orders to create their renditions of a superhero cape that the Progressive Darzi Alliance (PDA) had agreed to sew over the Eid weekend. That cape, which the PDA leadership had sanctioned throughout nationwide tailor shops under its control, was designed for Federal Minister for science & Technology Fawad Chaudhry for his heavyweight triumph last weekend. “First the tussle with Mufti
Muneeb – further helped by the mufti taking a personal jibe at Fawad Chaudhry – then the remote control tweet to Ansar Abbasi, two immensely symbolic moments. This coupled with Fawad Chaudhry previously taking on islamist orthodoxy made this token inevitable,” the PDA chairperson told The Dependent. “This is not to say that he hasn’t said problematic things on occasions. i mean the whole #Endia spree is quite embarrassing, and so are his contradictory stances while party hopping. But the PDA has decided to give credit where it’s due, especially considering it’s so rare, and even rarer for the current government.” g
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Harbhajan, Yuvraj have to support their fascist rulers like I have to support mine: Afridi
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ETERAN Pakistan allrounder shahid Afridi believes indian cricketers, Yuvraj singh and Harbhajan singh, are forced to defending their fascist rulers, in order to appease the indian public, just like he has to support his fascist rulers in order to appease the Pakistani public. Afridi says he is grateful to the duo for backing his foundation in its fight against covid-19 pandemic, but also maintains that he hopes they will understand his current political ambitions.
“i’ll remain thankful towards Harbhajan and Yuvraj for supporting my foundation. The real problem is that is their compulsion, just like this is my compulsion. They live in that country, just like i live in this country. They know that people are being oppressed in their country, just like i know that if anything even more people are being oppressed in my country. They are helpless – okay i might not be helpless, because i support my fascist rulers
wholeheartedly,” Afridi said while talking to The Dependent. The former Pakistan captain said he was actually grateful to both Harbhajan and Yuvraj for saying negative things about him, because that will further add to his popularity. “i don’t think they would’ve read my book, because even i did not read it. But they’re still supporting my political career, which i believe was launched by the book that i wrote last year.” g
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New PEMRA rule requires channels to bring only qualified astrologers to discuss COVID-19
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eCC approves import of regional locusts to expand coverage of affected areas
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N what can only be described as another prudent, timely and well-though out decision during such strange and troubled times, the Economic Coordination Committee (ECC) has approved the import of locusts from neighbouring countries to plug the shortfall that is getting in the way if the plague quickly and efficiently destroying 100% of crops in the country. The decision was taken after much deliberation, with a consensus on the proposal tabled by Adviser to Prime Minister on Finance and Revenue and ECC Chairman Dr Abdul Hafeez shaikh who stressed on the need to get ahead of the problem and ensure that the locust attack does not die out on its own before full advantage of this rare occurrence is taken. “With only 21% of Pakistan’s fertile land affected by the crop eating insects so far, there is plenty of room and demand for more”,
new regulation by the Pakistan Electronic Media Regulatory Authority (Pemra) requires for the television channels to bring only qualified astrologers to discuss the Corona virus. “Too much inaccurate information is making its way to the viewing public, leading to a lot of misinformation,” read the Pemra notification. “To this end, we now require
for channels to only allow astrologers certified by the Pakistan Astrological Council and, for older astrologers, either the National Zodiac Congress and Anjuman-euloom-e-ujoom, prior to 1976, before they were merged into the PAC.” “Only accurate astrological information should be allowed to be communicated to the
public in these uncertain times,” read the circular. The information has been met by indifferent response by the medical community. “Look, if there is such a thing as ‘certified homoeopathic doctor,’ then you might as well have ‘certified astrologers,” said Dr Fehmida Hassan, chairperson of the Pakistan Medical Association. g
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stated Mr. sheikh during a press conference where the decision was announced. “There is a real opportunity here. Once we have 100% penetration, there is a good chance the locust takes a liking to our hospitable environment, settles down and starts breeding. Then we can easily export those new ‘Made in Pakistan’ locusts to other countries looking to quickly ravage and weaken their food security as well” explained former National food security Minister and current Minister for Economic Affairs. The press conference was soon followed by the release of a PM office notification directing the ‘Corona Tiger Force’ to ensure that no locusts were being used in any type of rice or gravy based cooking and any such incident be immediately reported to local authorities so that it can be isolated and stopped from spreading/recurring. g
Satire
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
C M YK
CORONICLES 05
Sunday, 31 - 6 June, 2020
Pakistan to curb second wave of covid-19 by ensuring first wave never ends: Shibli
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he Minister for Information and Broadcasting Senator Shibli Faraz said on Thursday the government has tackled covid-19 in an organised manner and its strategy to deal with multiple waves of coronavirus was moving in the right direction. Addressing a press conference here, the minister said the country, under the dynamic leadership of Prime Minister Imran Khan, is all set to avoid a really difficult period in the future, by keeping itself within the confinements of the current difficult period. “As you must have heard that the second wave of coronavirus is predicted to be significantly more devastating than the first. We have implemented a foolproof strategy in
this regard and have successfully ensured that the second wave is curbed through ensuring that the first wave of coronavirus never ends,” he said. Faraz added the government was reviewing the covid-19 situation on a daily basis and taking steps to ensure that the current wave continues for as long as possible. he maintained that Prime Minister Imran Khan is very clear in his plan to protect both the economy and the first wave of coronavirus, and has altered the lockdowns accordingly. “The model of complete lockdown had failed to sustain the first wave. The masses will have to show responsibility and follow the Standard Operating Procedures (SOPs) which will help keep the first wave of coronavirus alive, and ensure that the second never comes.”. g
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Govt ensuring citizens contract coronavirus quickly before hospitals run out of capacity: Zafar Mirza
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he daily record covid-19 infections underline that coronavirus situation in Pakistan is “under control,” said Special Assistant to the Prime Minister on health Dr Zafar Mirza on Friday. Addressing media in Islamabad, Mirza said the highest number of deaths that Pakistan had thus far recorded in a single day, coupled with the highest number of infections in a day, shows that the government has been successfully implementing its health strategy. “Undoubtedly, the virus is spreading quickly, but we’ve made
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sure that the masses are spreading at an even quicker rate,” he said. highlighting that the speed of virus contraction is worsening, he said a further rise was expected as part of the government’s plan. “The main question to address here is over our facilities having enough beds, especially in critical care units. We are trying to ensure that citizens swiftly contract coronavirus before the hospitals run out of capacity,” he said, adding once again that the situation is “under control” and that only 18-20 percent of
ventilators designated for coronavirus are currently being utilized. referring to recent reports from doctors that they are running short of beds and ventilators due to a sharp spike in new infections, Mirza admitted the government’s plan has worked “at big hospitals in cities.” he claimed this was because these facilities were located in cities with large populations. “We need the strategy to work across the country and not just in the urban centres.”. g
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Sunday, 31 - 6 June, 2020
WORLD
PTV to air Israeli series ‘Fauda’ based on friends of Ertugrul’s descendants
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trump’s threat to censor twitter for fact-checking his tweet fact-checked by twitter
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FTer being fact-checked by social media platform Twitter, US President Donald Trump on Thursday signed an executive order aimed at removing some of the legal protections given to social media platforms. On Friday, the executive order, details of which were tweeted by the US president, was factchecked by Twitter. Taking to Twitter, Trump had said the firms had “unchecked powers” and stifled conservative voices. Both claims were also fact-checked by Twitter. The Twitter fact-check, demonstrated by the blue exclamation mark under a flagged tweet with the message, ‘Get the facts about’
the subject, has now been appearing on all recent tweets posted by Trump. These include the American president’s executive order, which the Twitter factcheck reveals will face legal challenges and be struck down. The Twitter fact-check further elaborates that independent government agencies would be required to review law, promulgate regulations, vote and then defend them in court. early on Friday, Twitter hid one of President Trump’s recent tweets from his profile, saying it glorifies violence. On Saturday morning, the social media platform hid all of the US president’s tweets, underlining the messages as glorifying idiocy. g
ITh the Turkish drama series ertugrul, chronicling the life of the Muslim warrior, successfully being aired in Pakistan, the state television PTV will now be running the Israeli show Fauda. The 36-episode Arabic and hebrew drama series has been dubbed into Urdu and will be aired on the instructions of Prime Minister Imran Khan. The episodes will be aired daily at 11:10 pm, with repeat runs during the day.
“After finding out about ourselves, where we come from, basically who we are, we also need to find out who our friends have been and are – and where they come from,” PM Khan said in a cabinet meeting last week. After the incredible success of ertugrul in the country, Senator Faisal Javed maintained that Fauda would be a similar success story. “We have needed soulsearching for a while, which was finally streamlined by ertugrul.
Now we need to expand our souls and incorporate other aspects – for instance how to form relationships,” he said while talking to The Dependent. The senator added that the Pakistan Television Network has been directed to air the famed Israeli series seven days a week. “We just want to make sure that everyone in the country finally learns how to make and sustain friendships, especially the most difficult ones,” Javed added. g
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Satire
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.