The Dependent-issue-173

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E R I T SA Sunday, 31 - 06 June, 2020 I Issue 173 I Pages 04 I Sections 06 I Rs 30

China launches Ghazwa-e-Hind

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mujahideen’s ability to perform jihad missions,” said Xi Jinping on the sidelines of the week-long sitting of the National People’s Congress (NPC), the national parliament of China. This follows a decision to increase the budget for the Chinese jihad by $178 billion. Xi Jinping’s formal launch of Ghazwa-e-hind has come amidst growing military exchanges between India and China in Ladakh and Sikkim sectors, and also at the Lipulekh tri-junction with Nepal. China is understood to have incorporated Nepal in Ghazwa-e-hind as demonstrated by the recent developments

LEH/GANGTOK/URUMQI

hINeSe President Xi Jinping has asked the People’s Liberation Army (PLA) to prepare for Ghazwa-e-hind during the covid19 pandemic. Xi Jinping, as quoted by state news agency Xinhua, said, “It is necessary to explore ways of training and preparing for Ghazwa-e-hind, because regular warfare efforts have been normalised.” “It is necessary to step up preparations for armed jihad, to flexibly carry out actual mujahideen training, and to improve our

over Lipulekh, Kalapani and Limpiyadhura areas of Pithoragarh district in Uttarakhand.The Line of Actual Control (LAC) in Ladakh is slated to be the hub of Ghazwa-e-hind with Chinese soldiers set to dismantle the infidels in Galwan Valley, Pangong Tso, Demchok and Daulat Beg Oldie. Sources within the Chinese mujahideen have confirmed that leading expert on Ghazwa-e-hind Zaid hamid has been personally summoned by Xi Jinping to be the chief strategist and cheerleader of Chinese jihad on India.

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indian army stunned as nuclear-assed spy craps weaponsgrade uranium projectiles THE DEPENDENT

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India-China border tension: India offers to fight Pakistan instead

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he ongoing tension between India and China has entered a new phase after the Indian army has offered the Chinese army to fight the Pakistan army instead. “Yes, we ran the numbers, and it would appear that we’re punching above our weight here,” said Ajay Kumar, Union Defence Secretary. “We have formally written to the Chinese government that were the tension on the Sikkim border not resolved, we would like for the Indian Army to fight

the Pakistan Army instead of the People’s Liberation Army.” “We haven’t gotten word from them yet but we hope that they will respond to our request,” he said. “I would like to qualify here that this offer extends only to the Pakistani army,” he said. “We are not offering for the Indian Air Force to fight the Pakistani Air Force, because, again, punching above our weight there. Our offer is for the IAF to fight the Bhutan Air Force instead.” Upon being informed that the Kingdom of Bhutan does not have an air force, Kumar said, “yeah, that’s about right, then.” g

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he Indian Border Security Forces (BSF) have been left stunned after capturing the deadliest Pakistani spy pigeon yet, The Dependent has learnt. According to sources, the pigeon “with a prominent pink patch and a tag on its leg”, who was logged at the police station as a “suspected Pakistani spy” on Monday after having been handed over to the police in Indian held Kashmir, is the first nuclear capable Pakistani spy. Sources within the Indian intelligence and the BSF have confirmed that the Pakistani spy was ‘nuclear assed’, with the now prisoner of war seen crapping ‘weapons grade nuclear material’. “We immediately took the contaminated sh*t to the laboratory to be tested and it was discovered that it was projectiles which had a high concentration of fissile isotopes uranium-235 and plutonium-239,” revealed a

senior military scientist while talking to The Dependent. “We found evidence of isotope separation within the pigeon’s digestive system, which functioned as a nuclear reactor,” the nuclear scientist added. Intelligence officials said that the pigeon has initially been suspected of being part of an “espionage attempt” but has now been confirmed as a formal nuclear attack by Pakistan. Sources further confirm that the

Martial law declared in US; Gen Milley takes oath as president

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S the protests in the multiple American cities spill into lawlessness, the United States Chairman Joint Chiefs of Staff Committee, General Mark A. Milley took over on Monday. After declaring himself as the Chief Martial Law Administrator, he was administered oath as President by Justice Clarence Thomas, who earlier took oath under a Provisional Constitution Order, after Chief Justice John Roberts, along with

six other Justices refused to take oath. “My dead fellow Americans,” said the new President, addressing the public on C-SPAN. “In light of the current, tense circumstances, I have suspended the house of Representatives, Senate, respective state legislatures and local governments till further notice.” “A state of emergency has been declared but do keep in mind, this is all for a short period of time,” he clarified. “The new government thinks of itself as a custodian of the people’s

confidence and new elections to all these legislatures shall be conducted within a period of ninety days, after which I shall be overcome with emotions that the people would have reposed in me and unwilling continue to be president.” The development has been welcomed with caution by political observers. “I think it is what was needed, really, given the sheer conflagration that we are seeing in our cities right now. he is a thorough professional and has a clear, focused head on his shoulders,” said Mosharraf Zaidi, a political analyst. “I know MS Word, am a team player and can work with deadlines,” Zaidi added. g

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pigeon relentlessly crapped throughout the day on Thursday, May 28. This is not the first time a Pakistani spy pigeon has been by the Indian forces. In 2015, a pigeon was captured by Indian forces for crossing the IndoPak border into India’s Pathankot area. Indian intelligence sources are concerned about the internal damage the past pigeons might’ve caused given that there internal anatomy was never inspected. g

Satire

E D I TO R ’S N OT E The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour. The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.


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