C M YK
E R I T SA Sunday, 12 - 18 April, 2020 I Issue 166 I Pages 04 I Sections 06 I Rs 30
Bored PM playing ‘@ + click first name’ game on Facebook for cabinet reshuffle
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ISLAMABAD
aKistani Prime Minister imran Khan on tuesday vowed to introduce institutional reforms in an effort to avert his boredom amidst covid-19 lockdown. the announcement comes a day after the PM changed the portfolios of key federal ministers in a major cabinet reshuffle. according to sources, the two are
interlinked with the Prime Minister passing his time playing the ‘put @ + click the first name’ game on Facebook. the cabinet positions are handed out depending on whose name comes first in the predetermined text. screenshots available exclusively with the Dependent reveal that the PM has been engaging in two such games on Facebook, with the texts as follows.
FirsT screenshoT: ‘Dont cheat!!!! Make sure you follow the directions at the bottom. You don’t pick the names, Facebook does. i’m in a mental hospital… My roommate: Murad saeed licks the glass: ijaz ahmad shah helps you escape: Ghulam sarwar My Psychiatrist: shah Mehmood Qureshi
Satire
asleep in the corner: shireen Mazari shouts at everyone: Faisal Wawda Padded room occupant: sheikh rasheed Kicks the nurses: Fawad chaudhry calls for a unicorn: asad Umer sneaks in the alcohol: ali amin Gandapur You have to do this using smartphone 1. copy-paste and delete the names… 2. after each statement, type @ + click the first name…
some safe distancing fun!’ second screenshot: ‘When quarantine is over, the 1st house i’m going to visit for breakfast is Khusro Bakhtiar, then i’m going for dinner at hammad azhar’s, from there i’m going for a drink with abdul razak Dawood, finally going to have a party with everyone at Fakhar imam’s house…g
F**k it, Brt is complete: KP Govt THE DEPENDENT
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he long-delayed and controversial Peshawar Metrobus project was given the ‘F**k it, it’s complete’ status by the Khyber Pakhtunkhwa Government. “Yes, it’s done, yes, it’s complete,” said KP Finance Minister taimur saleem Jhagra. “it can’t be used
because of corona fears but it’s complete, we did it.” “Yes,” he added. “You want proof? What do you mean? can’t you see it,” he asked reporters, pointing to footage during a Zoom press conference. “it’s there, it’s all there. the roads are there, the the elevations are there, the
busses are there.” “What? Poor planning? turns too narrow for busses? how do you know,” he said. “have you even been on the bus?” “no, we can’t go on an inaugural ride,” he said. “there’s a pandemic around; haven’t you been following the news?”. g
Satire
Mafias have run Balochistan for 70 years, says CM who is son of CM who was son of CM
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THE DEPENDENT
alochistan chief Minister Jam Kamal has said that mafias have been running Balochistan since 70 years. “it is just the same people coming into power,” said Jam Mir Kamal Khan alyani, the current and 16th chief Minister of the province, whose father Jam Muhammad Yousaf, was the 10th chief Minister of the province. “What hope do the sons of the soil have when it’s the same, well-
entrenched faces who keep coming back into power again and again?” “Whither democracy? Whither meritocracy,” the cM, who is the 13th Jam of lasbela, asked. “Yes, there might have been small exceptions along the way, but that is the larger story,” said the grandson of the second chief minister of Balochistan after it became a province in 1971. “now, in what is finally the people’s government, one that is professional and motivated,” said the marketing degree holder from Greenwich University, Karachi. g
Satire
Malik Riaz agrees to give coronavirus paid advertisements to keep it out of Bahria Town
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LAHORE
ahria town chairman Malik riaz has agreed a deal with covid-19 confirming that the pandemic will be paid a sizeable amount to ensure that it keeps itself out of the housing society, the Dependent has reliably learnt. sources privy to the development have confirmed that after much hue and cry regarding the spread of the viral infection in Bahria town lahore, riaz and coronavirus signed an agreement late on Wednesday night to curtail the negative publicity. “according to the agreement, covid-19 will keep its nose – along with rest of its anatomy –
out of Bahria town, as a result of which coronavirus would be given advertisements at a rate significantly higher than what the market is currently offering,” a source involved in the signing of the deal told the Dependent on condition of anonymity. the investigative team of the Dependent has further probed the matter, reaching out to the marketing team of covid-19, members of which have confirmed that the deal has indeed taken place. “it’s a deal that’s too good to say no to. there are no strings attached and no other expectations. Just have to stay out of Bahria town, and be paid really really well for that,” a member of the marketing team said while talking to the Dependent. g
Satire
E D I TO R ’S N OT E The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour. The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.