Vol. 38, Issue 7

Page 1

Vol. 38 Issue #7

April Fools’ Edition

The Knightly News Pace Academy 966 West Paces Ferry Road Atlanta, Georgia 30327

p. 2 Global Ed Visits North Korea

p. 4 Mr. Whyte Arrested

p. 5 Beyonce Replaces BBT

Mrs. Culp Exposed as Calculator Thief By: Riley Muse Staff Writer ‘14 The recent string of panicked “Missing TI-84 Calculator” bulletins on the Upper School News and Announcements conference has sparked concern; students have begun to worry over the safety of their own precious mathematical tools. “I no longer feel safe leaving Dwight [the name of her calculator] abandoned and naked in Inman,” said sophomore Annie Butler. This feeling of anxiety is rampant throughout the entire Pace community and is the reason for the amped up security measures that the school has been taking. “Many people assume that our resident police officers patrol the grounds for stronger protection in response to the school shoot-

ings in Newtown,” said Upper School Head Mr. Gannon, “But they’re actually staying vigilant to find the infamous ‘Calculator Thief.’” The Knightly News staff investigated further to unmask the burglar and found surprising information: Pace Academy’s resident calculator thief is none other than Mrs. Culp. The Knightly News staff began questioning those students who had posted the frantic announcements. This proved to be a good place to start when junior Jake Pokalsky disclosed that he had planted a GPS tracking device in his calculator and was ready to hunt down his missing property. Jake’s device led him all the way to Student Affairs. Confused as to why his calculator would be there, Jake was prepared to abandon the search until a high-pitched “beep” sounded from under Mrs. Culp’s

desk. When he peered under, Jake discovered a large stash of around 14 calculators in a pile. “I knew it was Mrs. Culp’s pile right away because they were hidden under one of her quilts,” Jake said. Mrs. Culp was immediately notified of the discovery of her calculator collection, and she came without a fight. “I was planning on building a robot to man the front desk for me whenever I’m away,” Mrs. Culp said as she explained her motives for swiping student property. “I just don’t trust anyone else to do the job!” Mrs. Culp was brought to trial by the Student Honor Council, but no punishment was given provided all calculators were returned to their proper owners. Freshman Mary Stuart Grey said, “I am shocked that it was Mrs. Culp. She seemed so sweet!”

Photo: Riley Muse

Mrs. Culp apologized, saying that she regretted her actions.

Mr. Gannon Named Teachers Crash Spring Break Lower School Head By: Annie Armstrong Features Editor ‘13

By: Annie Armstrong Features Editor ‘13 When longtime Head of Lower School Anna Valerius recently announced her retirement, the news was met with sadness by the entire Pace Academy community. That is, by everyone with one notable exception. Mr. Michael Gannon was delighted to see a position in the Lower School open up and has officially announced that he has been named as her successor. “I could say that it’s because I want to challenge myself with a change of scene, or that I want a more demanding position, but really, I’m just tired of all you weasels in the Upper School. Year after year of dealing with a bunch of whiny jerks in my classes, I can’t wait to ditch the Upper School. I’m finally free!” declared a visibly cheerful and grinning Mr. Gannon. When asked what his plans were for the Lower School, he said, “I plan on implementing a few new classes, such as Crowd Etiquette at Sporting Events 101, How To Keep Your Shirt Tucked in at All Times, Being a Young Democrat and Why It’s Important, and finally, Why Brown is Better Than Princeton. These are

This spring break, 56 seniors were shocked to find that three Pace teachers were staying at their resort, the Hard Rock Hotel in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic. Ms. Stevens, Dr. DuPree, and Mr. Newman decided to take a trip together, and much to their surprise, they picked the exact same spot that the seniors had selected for their spring break. “There I was, rubbing ashes on my naked body on my cold hearth by the pool in Punta Cana, enjoying a concoction I like to call a White Irishman

[a White Russian with goat’s milk], and observing the droghte of March as it perced to the roote, when I peered over my sun goggles to find some of my students doing anything but studying,” said a sunburned Dr. DuPree with a grin. Oddly enough, this strange coincidence turned out to be serendipity at its finest. “I had been in the casino for a little while, just playing some roulette, when I heard champagne bottles being popped and a group of people chanting, ‘Keith! Keith! Keith!’” recalled senior Adam Ellender. “I turned around to see what the fuss was about, and there was Mr. Newman, cool as ever, collecting a Cash Out ticket for $15,000. He saw me looking

at him, winked, and moved on to the next table.” The students and teachers made an effort to stay far apart from each other. However, on the last night of the trip, they ran into each other at the resort nightclub, Club Oro. “We thought about leaving Oro, but getting to bust a move with three of our favorite teachers was just too great an opportunity to pass up!” said senior Alex Pare. “I was surprised to see Ms. Stevens in the club,” remarked senior Joey Capelouto, “But I was amazed when I saw her hit her dougie.” When asked whether she did in fact hit her dougie, Ms. Stevens coyly replied, “What happens at the Hard Rock stays at the Hard Rock.”

Photo: Annie Armstrong Mr. Gannon peaces out as he heads off to his new job. all ideals that I believe should be instilled at a young age. I also want to introduce a new system of learning, where memorization is taught through the songs of alt-rock bands, such as They Might Be Giants and their song “James K. Polk.” Mr. Assaf is assembling a search committee to select Mr. Gannon’s replacement as Head of Upper School. So far, the list of candidates includes Coach Coco, Ms. Smith, and Clement Rouviere.

Photo: Annie Armstrong, Dean Papastrat, and Renee Lewis Dr. DuPree and Mr. Newman were caught busting some moves with unsuspecting Pace seniors while on spring break in the Dominican Republic.


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Vol. 38, Issue 7 by The Knightly News - Issuu