Vol. 38 Issue #7
April Fools’ Edition
The Knightly News Pace Academy 966 West Paces Ferry Road Atlanta, Georgia 30327
p. 2 Global Ed Visits North Korea
p. 4 Mr. Whyte Arrested
p. 5 Beyonce Replaces BBT
Mrs. Culp Exposed as Calculator Thief By: Riley Muse Staff Writer ‘14 The recent string of panicked “Missing TI-84 Calculator” bulletins on the Upper School News and Announcements conference has sparked concern; students have begun to worry over the safety of their own precious mathematical tools. “I no longer feel safe leaving Dwight [the name of her calculator] abandoned and naked in Inman,” said sophomore Annie Butler. This feeling of anxiety is rampant throughout the entire Pace community and is the reason for the amped up security measures that the school has been taking. “Many people assume that our resident police officers patrol the grounds for stronger protection in response to the school shoot-
ings in Newtown,” said Upper School Head Mr. Gannon, “But they’re actually staying vigilant to find the infamous ‘Calculator Thief.’” The Knightly News staff investigated further to unmask the burglar and found surprising information: Pace Academy’s resident calculator thief is none other than Mrs. Culp. The Knightly News staff began questioning those students who had posted the frantic announcements. This proved to be a good place to start when junior Jake Pokalsky disclosed that he had planted a GPS tracking device in his calculator and was ready to hunt down his missing property. Jake’s device led him all the way to Student Affairs. Confused as to why his calculator would be there, Jake was prepared to abandon the search until a high-pitched “beep” sounded from under Mrs. Culp’s
desk. When he peered under, Jake discovered a large stash of around 14 calculators in a pile. “I knew it was Mrs. Culp’s pile right away because they were hidden under one of her quilts,” Jake said. Mrs. Culp was immediately notified of the discovery of her calculator collection, and she came without a fight. “I was planning on building a robot to man the front desk for me whenever I’m away,” Mrs. Culp said as she explained her motives for swiping student property. “I just don’t trust anyone else to do the job!” Mrs. Culp was brought to trial by the Student Honor Council, but no punishment was given provided all calculators were returned to their proper owners. Freshman Mary Stuart Grey said, “I am shocked that it was Mrs. Culp. She seemed so sweet!”
Photo: Riley Muse
Mrs. Culp apologized, saying that she regretted her actions.
Mr. Gannon Named Teachers Crash Spring Break Lower School Head By: Annie Armstrong Features Editor ‘13
By: Annie Armstrong Features Editor ‘13 When longtime Head of Lower School Anna Valerius recently announced her retirement, the news was met with sadness by the entire Pace Academy community. That is, by everyone with one notable exception. Mr. Michael Gannon was delighted to see a position in the Lower School open up and has officially announced that he has been named as her successor. “I could say that it’s because I want to challenge myself with a change of scene, or that I want a more demanding position, but really, I’m just tired of all you weasels in the Upper School. Year after year of dealing with a bunch of whiny jerks in my classes, I can’t wait to ditch the Upper School. I’m finally free!” declared a visibly cheerful and grinning Mr. Gannon. When asked what his plans were for the Lower School, he said, “I plan on implementing a few new classes, such as Crowd Etiquette at Sporting Events 101, How To Keep Your Shirt Tucked in at All Times, Being a Young Democrat and Why It’s Important, and finally, Why Brown is Better Than Princeton. These are
This spring break, 56 seniors were shocked to find that three Pace teachers were staying at their resort, the Hard Rock Hotel in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic. Ms. Stevens, Dr. DuPree, and Mr. Newman decided to take a trip together, and much to their surprise, they picked the exact same spot that the seniors had selected for their spring break. “There I was, rubbing ashes on my naked body on my cold hearth by the pool in Punta Cana, enjoying a concoction I like to call a White Irishman
[a White Russian with goat’s milk], and observing the droghte of March as it perced to the roote, when I peered over my sun goggles to find some of my students doing anything but studying,” said a sunburned Dr. DuPree with a grin. Oddly enough, this strange coincidence turned out to be serendipity at its finest. “I had been in the casino for a little while, just playing some roulette, when I heard champagne bottles being popped and a group of people chanting, ‘Keith! Keith! Keith!’” recalled senior Adam Ellender. “I turned around to see what the fuss was about, and there was Mr. Newman, cool as ever, collecting a Cash Out ticket for $15,000. He saw me looking
at him, winked, and moved on to the next table.” The students and teachers made an effort to stay far apart from each other. However, on the last night of the trip, they ran into each other at the resort nightclub, Club Oro. “We thought about leaving Oro, but getting to bust a move with three of our favorite teachers was just too great an opportunity to pass up!” said senior Alex Pare. “I was surprised to see Ms. Stevens in the club,” remarked senior Joey Capelouto, “But I was amazed when I saw her hit her dougie.” When asked whether she did in fact hit her dougie, Ms. Stevens coyly replied, “What happens at the Hard Rock stays at the Hard Rock.”
Photo: Annie Armstrong Mr. Gannon peaces out as he heads off to his new job. all ideals that I believe should be instilled at a young age. I also want to introduce a new system of learning, where memorization is taught through the songs of alt-rock bands, such as They Might Be Giants and their song “James K. Polk.” Mr. Assaf is assembling a search committee to select Mr. Gannon’s replacement as Head of Upper School. So far, the list of candidates includes Coach Coco, Ms. Smith, and Clement Rouviere.
Photo: Annie Armstrong, Dean Papastrat, and Renee Lewis Dr. DuPree and Mr. Newman were caught busting some moves with unsuspecting Pace seniors while on spring break in the Dominican Republic.
April Fools’
April 3, 2013
The Knightly News - Page 2
Global Ed Travels to North Korea By: Josh Sloan Staff Writer ‘14
Yesterday, Director of Global Education Trish Anderson announced plans to send 15 students to North Korea July 20-29 through the Global Education program. Led by chaperones Ms. Smith and Mr. Smith, 15 lucky students will have the opportunity to venture to the country to learn more about the culture and political climate of the region. Junior Harrison Halberg said, “I can’t wait to go on this trip. If ex-basketball star Dennis Rodman likes it so much, then how could I not enjoy it?” Ms. Smith explained that the trip was not created for amusement, but to learn about the military and political policies of the country. “I really admire the chaos North Korea creates,” Ms. Smith said,
“Kim Jong-un seems like the type of nuclear-armed ruler that I could really get along with.” Some students were skeptical of the North Korea trip. When asked if he would consider going, sophomore Zachary Kerker responded, “No. Sorry, I’m not really a fan of dying.” Even so, the trip’s supporters believe that this adventure to North Korea will be an important learning experience. Freshman Ethan Schneider said, “I really think there are a lot of people that need to see things differently. This is an educational trip, and I am looking forward to learning a lot about North Korea, even though we seem to hate them a lot.” With the threat of a possible nuclear missile attack by North Korea, the trip could be called off at any time. Final determination will be made by July 1. Interested students should contact Ms. Anderson, Ms. Smith, or Mr. Smith for details.
Photo: Josh Sloan and Dean Papastrat Ms. Smith poses with troops during a previous trip to North Korea.
Miles Lands Seniors Lose Cellar DJ Gig By: Natalie Camrud Editor in Chief ‘13
By: Natalie Camrud Editor in Chief ‘13 A week ago, senior Miles Sheft got a phone call. On March 27, Miles was hanging out at Yogurtland when he happened to spot dubstep superstar Skrillex, a hat covering his signature hair and wearing contacts instead of glasses. “He was just discretely getting himself some strawberry yogurt. Nobody else would have been able to recognize him, but I just got this feeling inside me, and I knew I was in the presence of greatness,” said Miles. They got to talking, and Miles gave him a CD of a mix he had made; two days later he got the fate-changing call. “He called me and said he wanted me to be his opening act for his European tour this year.” Miles knew that this was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity,
and realized he had to make a choice between academics and fame. “It was really tough, but in the end I decided to take him up on his offer. I mean, college can wait, but Skrillex can’t.” Miles plans on traveling all over Europe with Skrillex and then going to college the following year. Miles said, “I’m thinking of this like a gap year, and unless I get mega famous or something I’ll still be going to U Penn next year.” The tour kicks off in Paris on May 17, so Miles will have to miss graduation, but he’s planning on attending the ceremony via Skype and having his diploma emailed to him. His dream DJ career would be to work with Cascada, Basshunter, or someone similar. Miles said, “Eurotechno music is my passion, so it will be amazing to be in the middle of all that while we’re on tour. I really believe that this tour with Skrillex could change my life forever.” Photo: Miles Sheft
Becoming a senior at Pace Academy means getting perks, such as off campus and eating lunch outside. The most anticipated of these is probably getting the keys to the senior cellar, a place for seniors to watch “Jerry Springer” and play video games to their hearts’ content. But due to the construction next year, the Class of 2014 will not be enjoying the senior cellar. Director of Maintenance Robert Wood said, “We need the cellar for storage, and realistically the seniors won’t be using the space because it’s so far from the trailers.” Mr. Gannon said that an outdoor area will be set up for the seniors where they can spend their free time. The area will have benches and flowers and a little fountain. “It will be a great area for them to use, while it’s warm outside, at least,” said Mr. Gannon. The news has generated mixed reactions among members of the rising senior class. Junior Katie Lucke said, “Well, I mean,
a trailer, or at least a portion of one, to be used as a senior cellar to appease the current juniors. Junior Evelyn Hobbs said, “We’re trying to solve this problem and make everybody happy. Hopefully next year, the senior class will have a space where they can watch ‘Jerry Springer’ and play foosball as much as they want.”
Photo: Natalie Camrud and Dean Papastrat The cellar will now be used to hold construction materials.
Lohan Speaks at Pace By: Wylie Heiner Opinion Editor ‘14
Miles practices his skills at Tongue and Groove.
I don’t think it’s a big deal; the senior cellar is so gross anyways.” On the other hand, junior Jordan Brown was outraged: “This is ridiculous! I have waited so long for this. The only good thing about being a senior is getting the senior cellar, so we’d better get to use it.” Members of the Student Council are trying to arrange for
Spotted: Lindsay Lohan walking the campus of Pace Academy. Ms. Lohan was seen in discussion with Mr. Gannon late last week. What could this mysterious conversation possibly be about? Rumor has it that Ms. Lohan is in talks with the school to implement her nationally recognized scared straight program, “Rules by LiLo.” The starlet has
been a hot commodity within the Buckhead community, speaking at Westminster and Lovett just last week. Students at both schools reported that Ms. Lohan told lifechanging stories that brought the room to tears. She addressed such topics as the disappearance of her twin after the filming of “Parent Trap” in 1998, a heart wrenching tale that has no happy ending. The fallen celebrity speaks about her struggle with drugs and alcohol while still managing to share party tips in the process.
Why is it that Ms. Lohan has come this far south just to talk to high school students? According to her publicist, Ms. Lohan is looking into returning to school to finally finish her high school diploma. Could Pace be the best fit for this ex-Hollywood princess? Ms. Lohan will speak to the Upper School in morning assembly on April 10. Will students be scared straight from her stories of jail, drugs, partying and alcohol? Or will they be tempted towards the sparkling life of a Hollywood starlet?
April Fools’
Vol. 38 Issue #7
The Knightly News - Page 3
Five Minutes with Bob Lebow By: Suzanne Monyak Editor in Chief ‘13
Knightly News: So what did you do over spring break? Bob Lebow: I went skiing in Beaver Creek. KN: Did you go with your friends or with your family? BL: With my friends. KN: When I asked the sophomores on newspaper who was funny in their grade, they told me you were. What do you think you have done to earn that reputation? BL: I don’t know... I say funny things. KN: Really? You’re giving me that lame answer? BL: I didn’t say that about myself, they said it about me! KN: What would you say your hobbies are? BL: Waste time on the Internet. That’s what I do in my free time. KN: OK, well, this is our April Fools’ issue, so what is the best prank that you have ever pulled? BL: The first time I went driving in my car, my mom told me to
Photo: Suzanne Monyak Bob, a lacrosse player, explained that this pose with a golf club is “open to artistic interpretation.” call her when I got to the place, so I called her, and pretended to be a police officer, like I had
gotten in a wreck. She immediately burst out crying and it was really hard to explain to her that
I was joking. KN: That’s awful! And she totally believed you? Did you tell her that you died or something? BL: I didn’t say that. I was just like so injured that the police officer had to call her to tell her to come to the hospital. KN: That’s so mean. BL: No, it was really mean. I realized how mean it was after it happened. KN: Did you get in trouble? BL: No I didn’t get in trouble. KN: Well, what was the best prank that was played on you? BL: My mom sometimes tells me that school got snowed out and when I go to look out the window she just, like, laughs. KN: Awww! But that’s not as mean as your prank on her. BL: Yeah, we have an interesting relationship. KN: Do you have any plans for April Fools’ Day this year? BL: I haven’t thought of one yet. I usually think of them the day before. KN: Toothpaste in the Oreo? One time I froze my sister’s toothbrush in an ice block. BL: I guess I could put oil on the
floor... make someone slip. KN: Wow... causing more physical and emotional harm. OK, now random questions! If you could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive, who would it be? BL: Helen Keller. KN: Why Helen Keller? BL: Because I want to know how to read Braille and sign language at the same time. KN: Interesting... OK, if you could be any animal, what would you be and why? BL: Let’s see... something fictional. A lion-tiger. KN: A liger? BL: Yeah, but also like a bear. A lion-tiger-bear. KN: Why? BL: Because those are the three best animals. KN: Like from “The Wizard of Oz?” BL Those are the three best animals. KN: So, if you could have the life of another student or teacher at Pace, who would it be? BL: Ms. Smith, so no one would bother me. KN: Well that’s five minutes! Thanks for talking to me!
Teachers Union Honor Council Implements Announces Strike New Punishments By: Max Greenberg Staff Writer ‘14 Low pay, oppressive management, and small departmental budgets are only a few of the issues that the Upper School faculty are forced to deal with. After years of suffering, they have finally mustered up the courage to say they will no longer work under such conditions. As of April 15, the faculty will officially go on strike against Pace Academy. Planning for this strike began months ago. Mrs. Dickherber, head of the Pace Teachers Union, issued a statement: “No longer will we accept days when there is no break! No longer will we accept having to stay for extra help! It is time for change to come to the Academy, and we won’t teach any more classes if these reforms aren’t enacted.” However, not all teachers support the strike. History teach-
er and well-known conservative Helen Smith said, “I believe that if we all work together, we can reach an agreement that both sides will appreciate. I hope this issue can be resolved without anyone raising their voices or losing their tempers!” The faculty workroom has been abuzz with discussion over which side to choose in the dispute. Many teachers have made soap box speeches, trying to get more of the faculty to join their cause. When asked his opinion, Dr. DuPree said, “What kind of soup are we having for lunch today?” Throughout the commotion, education tycoon Fred Assaf has made only one statement: “The U.S. government doesn’t negotiate with terrorists, and neither do I. Either the teachers cross the picket line or we will have a new faculty along with a new Upper School.” From all indications, not only will the strike occur, but it could last as long as August 2013 when the new school year begins.
Photo: Max Greenberg Mr. Knott prepares a sign for the teachers’ upcoming strike.
Photo: Haley Silverstein Dr. K punished juniors William Rushton and Marc Bernstein by making them search for fractals.
By: Hayley Silverstein News Editor ‘14 With more and more honor code violations occurring this year, the Pace Honor Council, recently renamed the Committee of Pace Safety (CPS), has revised the punishments for honor code violations and other offenses. Dean of Students Matt Hall said, “Students at Pace are delinquents and must be punished properly for their misbehavior.” New punishments will be instituted for all actions that elicit a demerit, tardy, or honor code violation. Tardies, previously regarded as five freebies to sleep in, will now be punishable for each occurrence. Tardy students will have to stay after school and sit in the FAC for each minute that they are late. If a student reaches the five tardy mark, they will have to come in on Saturday mornings to help Dr. Kasilus.
“Students need to stop gallivanting and show up to school on time. Students who are late can help me hunt for fractals around the school; they’re everywhere!” said Dr. Kasilus. Students caught chewing gum will be required to scrape all of the gum off all of the desks in the Upper School under the supervision of Mr. Kates. The revised policies also stipulate that teachers who report offenses will help assign the punishment. If a student is caught acting like a “sleaze” for being out of dress code, students will be subjected to punishment by Ms. Smith. Punishments can range from cleaning her cats’ litter boxes to having to find students’ lost assignments in the abyss that is her room. If caught talking in the library, students will be subjected to study hall while listening to NPR on full blast. “Do you think the great minds of Voltaire and Rousseau talked in libraries during the Enlightenment? No they did
not, and being innately sinful according to Locke, we must all strive to be more like them, or else society will be ruined,” commented Ms. Smith. Ms. Lewis will force students to use a telegraph if they are caught with their phones out or use a gramophone if found listening to their iPods. Other new punishments are modeled after those of former Pace physics teacher, Ms. McKenna. They include doing laps in the hallways, doing pushups in the front of the class, and sitting at the dilapidated desk that is awkwardly placed in the middle of the physics classroom. These new measures have caused great unrest among students. Calling them unjust, cruel, and unusual, a group of students led by junior Bobby Stonecipher plan on protesting by causing anarchy and undermining the CPS. When asked why these new punishments were created, junior Josh Rogers, member of the CPS, said, “That’s classified.”
April Fools’
April 3, 2013
The Knightly News - Page 4
Dr. Pontes Related to Frida Kahlo By: Suzanne Monyak Editor in Chief ‘13
Last October, Dr. Pontes logged onto her ancestry.com account with the sole intention of finally terminating it. After creating the account almost a year ago and dutifully answering every tedious question, she was still paying $6 a month for a constantly disappointing “No Results Found.” With no knowledge of any family members beyond her maternal grandparents and a few cousins, Dr. Pontes made an account as soon as she saw the first commercial. “The thought of finding a long-lost cousin or learning something new about my family was an opportunity I could not pass up!” she said. Sick of the lack of news, Dr. Pontes opened up her family tree for what she thought would be her last time. She was immediately greeted with a new leaf dangling
invitingly on her mostly barren virtual family tree. “I tried not to get too excited. I mean, I was sure it was nothing,” she said. With her expectations set low, Dr. Pontes clicked on the leaf only to discover something that would change her life forever. “I couldn’t believe my eyes. I’m sure that my heart stopped beating for a second, and the room began to spin,” she said. There, written in plain text on her new leaf, read “Frida Kahlo (1907 - 1954), Coyoacan, Mexico.” “After the initial shock, I managed to figure out that my grandmother’s mother, Cristina, is actually Frida’s sister! I never knew her maiden name!” she explained. As soon as she got the news, Dr. Pontes eagerly began contacting other ancestors of the artist whom she met on ancestry. com. She discovered that there is a reunion of Kahlo’s relatives at the Blue House [Frida’s childhood home] every year around Christmastime. “I bought my plane tickets online and imme-
diately began counting down the days!” she said. At the reunion, Dr. Pontes was given an extensive and unforgettable tour of the Blue House. “I immediately felt an eerie connection to the space, like I had somehow been there before,” she said. She was even given unlimited free passes to the Frida Kahlo exhibit at the High Museum of Art, allowing her to take her Spanish classes on a field trip to the exhibit. Dr. Pontes’ Spanish students were not surprised to learn of their teacher’s distant relationship to the late Mexican artist. “I know more about Frida Kahlo from Spanish class than I do about any of my other subjects combined!” said senior David Weiner. Senior Sallie Boone agreed, adding that she had always sensed that there was some sort of deeper meaning to Dr. Ponte’s love for Kahlo’s artwork. Sallie said, “It can only be fate that one person who falls so deeply in love with a collection of artwork, can later discover she is related to that same artist.”
Junior John Morrison and sophomore Trevor Cefalu are shocked by the news that there will be no parking next year.
No On-Campus Parking Next Year By: Aaron Wasserman Staff Writer ‘14 Many changes are on the way with the construction of the Arthur M. Blank Family Upper School. One consequence of the construction is that the vehicles and equipment required for the labor-intensive project will take up all the space in the back parking lot, rendering all the spots reserved for Pace teachers and students unusable. This will force all students and faculty to ride a system of buses to and from various pickup points located throughout metro Atlanta. Students who live in the Buckhead or Vinings area will have the option of being picked up at Way-Pay or at the Jimmy John’s in Vinings. Students living farther away can apply for a pickup location that works for them. Head of Upper School Michael Gannon understands the inconvenience that this causes everyone, but said that it was a “necessary evil” in order for construction to proceed. Mr.
Gannon also noted that many teachers will be charged with driving the buses, despite having little or no experience with operating such large vehicles. Mr. Canfield will teach an instructional course for all the teacher drivers before they will be allowed to drive Pace students. Mr. Newman expressed his concern for the safety of his students when he said, “I’m sure my driving abilities are up to par, but I’m not sure the other teachers are at the same level of expertise.” Students expressed shock and disbelief when the news broke of the recent changes in parking and transportation at the Academy. Freshman Johnny Reece had to be subdued by his fellow classmates, with reports suggesting that several large students were required to get him under control. Sophomore Mark Grenader voiced the opinion of many Pace students: “I just feel like they have led us astray. I don’t know who to trust anymore.” With the changes, many in the Pace community are wondering what other measures are planned and will be unearthed in the near future.
Dr. Pontes’ resemblance to Frida Kahlo is uncanny!
Mr. Whyte Arrested for Math By: Sam Rubenstein Staff Writer ‘14
Photo: Aaron Wasserman
Photo: Suzanne Monyak and Dean Papastrat
Ever seen the show “Breaking Bad?” Pace Academy math teacher Gus Whyte sure has. In fact, not only has he seen it, but he lives it. Don’t the similarities between show protagonist Mr. Walter White, high school chemistry teacher and meth maker, and Mr. Gus Whyte, high school math teacher, seem more than coincidental? His students have speculated for years, but this past week, students were stunned to learn that Mr. Whyte had been taken into custody by federal officials and charged with the manufacture and distribution of high grade math. The arrest took place this past Thursday at Mr. Whyte’s favorite local restaurant Papi’s Cuban Grill, only blocks from
his Midtown home and math lab. Mr. Whyte did not resist arrest and will be pleading guilty to the charges. The Knightly News was given exclusive access to talk to Mr. Whyte about the crimes. The burning question was obviously why he would do such a horrible thing. When asked, Mr. Whyte stated, “I never intended to hurt anybody, I just needed the cash.” According to the authorities, all the money was used to fund Mr. Whyte’s elaborate international playboy lifestyle, Buccaneers season tickets, and his parents’ retirement. “You don’t get that stuff on a teacher’s salary,” said Mr. Whyte. Mr. Whyte is reportedly a major player in the math industry. Authorities were relieved to find out that he was in fact the infamous math kingpin, “Pythagoras.” The brains behind this international math empire, Whyte was well known for his
Illustration: Adam Ellender
Police used this sketch of Mr. Whyte to apprehend him.
unique brand of math, which has a purple tint. (Purple is the color of his alma mater, Williams.) Federal officials had been searching for Pythagoras, the man behind the purple math operation, for 18 months. However, they first became suspicious of Mr. Whyte in October when a former student of his (who will remain undisclosed) was seen using the purple math on a college WebAssign. College officials were immediately alerted and the student was brought into custody, naming Mr. Whyte as the source of this math. Mr. Whyte was subsequently put under close watch. He apparently exhibited a lot of suspicious behavior, meeting with many “mathy” people including the Georgia State Mathletes and Mr. Smith. He was also spotted hanging out at the NCAA Men’s Math-ketball Final Four, an event notorious for its widespread math use and abuse. He also took several trips to Tampa to meet with his distribution associates and use his Bucs season tickets. Unbeknownst to the Academy, Mr. Whyte was reportedly running a high-level math distribution network and manufacture operation. According to Pace officials, no current Pace students were involved in the manufacture, distribution, or consumption of the math. Mr. Whyte exclusively distributed outside of Atlanta in order to stay under the radar, with a distribution network based in Tampa, his hometown. The federal agent assigned to the case stated, “Hundreds of high school and college students across the country will no longer have to suffer the effects of hardcore math use. This is a great success.” Mr. Whyte is currently facing anywhere from 20 years to life in prison with a bail of $(4000x-πx).
April Fools’
Vol. 38 Issue #7
The Knightly News - Page 5
Mrs. Cunningham Rejects Stardom for Love By: Wylie Heiner Opinion Editor ‘14 July 8, 1987, Nashville, Tenn.: The smell of stale beer, cheap perfume, and country music intoxicates Jolie Greenway’s awaiting fans. Ms. Greenway stares at herself in the dressing room mirror, repeating self affirmations: “I AM country strong.” But is she? She looks down at the photobooth shot of her and Steve, the dreamy man she met at the local honky tonk downtown, and questions if this is all worth it. She’s come a long way from Albany, Ga., performing in New York, Los Angeles, Austin, and across South Africa on tour. What more could a Dollywood diva ask for? She picks up her bedazzled microphone and proceeds to walk up the staircase to perform for her insatiable fans. Once again, Jolie Greenway manages to dazzle her fans onstage. However, Ms. Greenway cannot help but feel empty after tonight’s performance, and she finds herself longing for a relaxed life as a P.E. teacher, maybe with a husband and a few babies of her own. She wonders, “Could Steve be the one to complete this
dream?” And right as she says it in her mind, like Steve has telepathy, he steps out from the corner of her dressing room. “Sweet niblits, Steve! You scared me more than an armadillo on Route 66!” Steve doesn’t hesitate: “Jolie, I know this is sudden, but you are the chalk to my balance beam. You keep me grounded and I simply CANNOT go on without waking up to your luscious golden locks.” Ms. Greenway is taken aback by Steve’s passionate overture, but she cannot forget about the man she has waiting back at home for her, Billy Ray Cyrus. “Steve... I just, I can’t.” And with that, Jolie drives away in her rainbow Cadillac truck. “Jollliieeeeeeeee! Where is the meatloaf?! Jolliiieeeee!” Ms. Greenway has been ignoring Billy Ray for the past three hours as she dutifully tends to her 275 chickens that she keeps on their property. Billy Ray gives up on the meatloaf and decides to find food elsewhere. “I’m going out, Jolie and I do not know when I’m comin’ back!” She couldn’t care less; she has an episode of “Golden Girls” she’s been meaning to watch anyways. By 1 a.m., Billy Ray is still not back and Ms. Greenway is suspicious. She speeds down the
highway in that rainbow Cadillac she loves so much, confident she knows where she will find her mean boyfriend. As she pulls through the house gates of her arch nemesis Reba, she sees the horse that Billy Ray rode up on, tied to the door. She did not come from Albany to deal with this. “Rebaaaaaa! Get your twocent behind down here NOW!” Reba comes out of the kitchen holding a fresh pan of meatloaf with Billy Ray trailing behind her. “You left me for this cheap red head? I am through with you, look at my achy breaky heart! Maybe next time you’ll think before you cheat,” hollers Ms. Greenway. Before she leaves, she does not think twice about digging her keys into the side of Reba’s four-wheel drive, and taking her Louisville Slugger to both of that redhead’s headlights. “Maybe next time he really will think twice before he cheats.” The rain begins to come down like gravy on biscuits. Ms. Greenway steers her rainbow Cadillac up to Steve’s trailer, locking eyes with him as he, too, feeds his chickens. She runs into the arms of her dream man. Steve looks into the eyes of his bleach blonde vixen, “I can make us a good life, Jolie, I got myself a job as a P.E. teacher over at Pace Academy.”
Photo: Cory Bush and Dean Papastrat
Beyonce met with members of the Pace chorus. They bonded while singing “Halo.”
Beyonce Replaces BBT By: Elizabeth Roos Social Media ‘14 Pace Academy bids a tearful farewell to Ms. Beth BarrowTitus, who is retiring from Pace after 17 years as chorus director. There is no doubt that Ms. Barrow-Titus will be missed by the Pace community. Sophomore Caillin Cooke said, “BBT has helped me to become a better singer and develop my passion for singing and musical theater. I don’t know how the Pace Academy chorus will survive without her.” Amid the retirement celebrations, Ms. BarrowTitus took time to announce on April 2 that her replacement
will be none other than pop diva Beyonce Knowles. “I think that Beyonce has a beautiful voice and has a lot to teach our students about performing,” said Ms. Barrow-Titus, “With Ms. Knowles as chorus director, the chorus is bound for greatness. Who knows, maybe next year, the Pace Academy chorus will be performing at the halftime show at Super Bowl XLVIII!” The students were utterly flabbergasted when they heard that a world renowned celebrity was going to be their new chorus director. Junior Sam Downey said, “I knew that BBT would find us a well qualified replacement, but I never would have thought in a thousand years that Beyonce would be it. I’m really looking forward to her teaching
me the ‘Single Ladies’ dance.” Sophomore Annie Butler said, “Beyonce is my idol! I cannot wait to get to work with her.” “Holy cow! Beyonce is going to be the new chorus director!” said senior Megan McCurry, “I can’t wait to come back and watch the chorus perform under the direction of a global superstar.” When asked why she wanted to take the job at Pace, Beyonce said, “I just really wanted to slow down a little bit. I’m worn out from such extensive travel and my rigorous performance schedule. Now that I have Blue Ivy, I really just want to settle down and focus on my motherly duties and the education of future generations. Maybe one day my baby girl will be a Pace Knight.”
Photo: Wylie Heiner and cbc.ca Mrs. Cunningham rocks out with her signature bedazzled guitar.
Burn Book Found By: Sallie Hays Staff Writer ‘13 The “burn book” epidemic following the movie “Mean Girls” has taken bullying to a new level. In this well known chick flick, the popular girls write hurtful things about each other in a so-called burn book. Paris Hilton also used a burn book in her reality TV show, “Paris Hilton’s My New BFF,” in order to eliminate the other contestants. Tina Fey created “Mean Girls” to satirize bullying among high school girls. It was meant to be learned from, not copied. But with Paris Hilton’s decision to glamorize the burn book, the line between learning and copying has blurred. Now, students at our very own Pace Academy have fallen victim. The book was found behind the junior couches by the maintenance staff. And like in the movie, it had school pictures of every girl in the Upper School along with tormenting comments and offensive gossip about each girl. The burn book was immediately turned over to Mr. Gannon, but the school has not been able to do much about it. The book is anonymous and
there are no suspects as of yet. Unlike the cyber-bullying that the administration has had to fight in the past, this burn book leaves no trace of its previous owner. At the same time, the administration is taking the matter very seriously. They have asked teachers to report any suspicions they have concerning the burn book mystery. They even went so far as to ask a few students to do a little digging undercover. Mr. Hall said, “with the additional ears we have placed out in the field, we really expect to catch the culprit(s) sometime soon.” When school counselor Mrs. Sara Eden was asked to comment on the discovery, she said, “Words do matter; they do have an impact on a student’s psyche, self esteem, how they perceive themselves, and think others perceive them.” Mr. Gannon said, “If the author(s) come forward now, the investigation will be frozen and their punishment will be as reasonable as possible.” However, if whomever wrote this hateful book does not come forward and they are exposed through some other means, Mr. Gannon and Mr. Hall assure the student body that their punishment will be as hurtful as the words they have inflicted upon their fellow classmates.
Photo: Tumblr.com The investigation to identify the book’s creator continues.
April Fools’
April 3, 2013
The Knightly News - Page 6
Ms. Barbakow Stars Sallie’s On ‘Downtown Abbey’ Comics By: Julia Beck Staff Writer ‘15
It was a beautiful spring morning on March 28. Everyone from Pace Academy was enjoying the nice weather, spending time outdoors during their free periods. That is, everyone except Ms. Barbakow. She anxiously awaited an important phone call from England, which finally came at around 10:30 a.m. Ms. Barbakow took a deep breath and answered, finding Jill Trevellick, casting director of her favorite TV show, “Downton Abbey,” at the other end of the call. “Erica,” she said, “I’ve got some great news for you. We want you to be the newest member of our “Downton Abbey” cast. You’ve got the part!” Cooly, Ms. Barbakow thanked Ms. Trevellick, saying that she was very excited to join her on set and hung up the phone. She later said, “I’m pretty sure I was in shock. I could have never acted so calm and collected if
I had fully wrapped my head around what had happened. I’m going to star on ‘Downton Abbey!’” After receiving the news, Ms. Barbakow immediately emailed her students who had been supporting her through the whole process to tell them the good news. Back in December, Ms. Barbakow had auditioned for a part on the show, just as a spur of the moment fling. She was not expecting in a million years the phone call telling her she had received a callback for the part of one of the new characters on the show. “I went in to do the reading, and that’s when it hit me that I could possibly have a chance!” The character was a great fit: a smart and sassy brunette named Lady Lillian Crawley. The character was planned to be a long lost sister who had come to reunite with her family after being separated from them at the age of six. Ms. Barbakow’s dream hit a bump in the road when she realized after accepting her part that one of her costars will be Keira
Knightley, playing a new maid who will be Lady Lillian’s best friend on the show, Margaret. Margaret was written to be a more important and deeper character than Lillian, a predicted fan favorite. Ms. Barbakow said, “I just couldn’t stand the fact that Keira Knightley got a better part than I did. I was ready to quit. But then my wonderful students convinced me that I couldn’t give up on my dream because of one annoying actress, so I decided to give Keira a chance. It turns out she’s not that bad! We’ve met a couple of times since being cast, and Keira and I are best friends now, just like our characters!” Ms. Barbakow is planning on finishing the current school year, but after the English exam on May 20 she will be flying to England to prepare herself for her new role. “It’s really a dream come true,” said Ms. Barbakow, “I am going to miss Pace and all of my students, but I am very excited for this next step in my life. Everyone be sure to watch me on TV!”
Photo: Dean Papastrat Ms. Barbakow gets into character with her “Downton Abbey” co-stars.
Mrs. Agront-Hobbs Picked for ‘Dancing With The Stars’ By: Wilson Alexander Staff Writer ‘14
Now in its 16th season, ABC’s “Dancing With the Stars” has begun to reach outside of its usual celebrity contestant pool to everyday heroes like teachers, firemen, and policemen. In a recent telephone interview with the show’s producer Conrad Green, he spoke of his new concept: “We feel that the true stars of America are the people who work hard every day to better the communities around them. To honor them we cre-
ated this special season edition.” Green was pleased to announce that Pace Spanish teacher Laura Agront-Hobbs will appear on the new season. “Yeah, I’ve known Laura since her days as a track star and thought she’d be perfect to compete on the show. Her lively personality and competitive nature will fit in perfectly on ‘Dancing With the Stars,’” said Mr. Green. When told the news, Mrs. Agront-Hobbs was delighted. “I had a feeling Conrad would contact me. It was a wise choice for him to select me seeing as I’m going to win this competition,” she said. A former Olympian, Mrs. Agront-Hobbs can often
be seen in the weight room keeping herself in peak physical condition. “I’m still in great shape so I’ll definitely be able to last throughout the entirety of the competition.” In addition to working out on a regular basis, she takes Latin dance classes on the weekend. Since Mrs. Agront-Hobbs found out she will be competing on the show, she has added a wide array of dance styles to her regimen like the jitterbug and the ‘ote’a, a traditional dance from Tahiti characterized by rapid hip movement. “I have to be ready for anything they throw my way,” said Mrs. Agront- Hobbs, “This could be the start of a new career for me.”
By: Sallie Hays Staff Writer ‘13
‘Pirates of Pandora’ Likely a Megahit By: Aaron Wasserman Staff Writer ‘14 Moviegoers starving for the next great blockbuster hit are certainly in for a treat this summer when James Cameron and Steven Spielberg’s joint venture “Pirates of Pandora” hits screens on June 12. Johnny Depp and Mark Wahlberg are expected to costar in this intergalactic adventure, which promises to combine the swashbuckling fun of the “Pirates of the Caribbean” series with the out-of-this-world graphics from James Cameron’s “Avatar.” The movie will follow the story of young Timothy Wildon, played by Johnny Depp, and his journey from a well-to-do family to a life of brutal pirating on the oceans of Pandora, the world from the “Avatar” movie. Depp’s virtual free roam of the seas is brought into rougher waters, however, when Admiral Stephon Smith, played by Wahlberg, leads his army of dedicated
Na’vi (see “Avatar”) on a brutal war of revenge against his lifelong adversary. This personal vendetta between Smith and Wildon is thrust into untested waters when Smith’s lover Angelica Botts, played by Scarlett Johansson, begins to question her alliance to the admiral in favor of the enchanting Timothy Wildon. This action-packed love story is expected to be one of the biggest hits of the summer, and possibly the entire year. When asked about their inspiration for the rather ambitious project, Cameron and Spielberg both alluded to their lifelong desire to give fans the pirate experience against the wonderful backdrop of Pandora. “We feel that Pandora offers a very unique viewing experience to our big fans of the ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ franchise,” said Spielberg. Johnny Depp could hardly contain his excitement when asked about the upcoming release of the film: “I think it is the coolest movie I have ever been a part of in my entire career!”
Mrs. Agront-Hobbs practices six hours a day to prepare.
April Fools’
Vol. 38 Issue # 7
The Knightly News
966 West Paces Ferry Road, NW Atlanta, Georgia 30327 (404) 262-1345 Knightlynews@paceacademy.org Published by students at Pace Academy Member of Georgia Scholastic Press Association Co-Editors in Chief: Queen Latifah Brad Pitt Online/Tech Editor: Paris Hilton News Editor: Oprah Opinion Editor: Cleopatra Features Editor: Biggy Smalls Sports Editor: Hannah Montana
Social Media: Selena Gomez Staff Writers: Aaron Carter Lil’ Romeo Lil’ Mama Chingy Jessica Simpson Austin Powers Dr. Phil Britney Spears King Tutt Faculty Adviser: President Obama Assistant Adviser: Mr. Matt Walker
The Knightly News Editorial Policy The Knightly News is the student-run newspaper of Pace Academy. For over 40 years it has reported the news that affects Pace, as well as the opinions of students. The Knightly News is published by the students of Pace Academy, and approximately 500 copies are printed by Florida Sun Printing. The Knightly News welcomes letters to the editor and
guest opinions, which may be edited for spelling and grammar, as well as space constraints. Neither Knightly News-generated opinion pieces nor guest opinions are reflective of the official policy of Pace Academy. Every effort is made to publish accurate facts, but if you recognize an error or omission, please email knightlynews@ paceacademy.org.
The Knightly News - Page 7
Bread Butts a Bad Idea By: Riley Muse Staff Writer ‘14 When a Pace student is prompted with the question, “What are some of the defining quirks of the Academy?” a list automatically comes to mind. “An awesome snack bar, no uniforms, phenomenal Latin program, a dominating debate team, and fabulous theater productions with crazy busy show weeks,” were a few Pace characteristics that came to junior Michael Sloman’s mind. Other students, such as sophomore Larine Hamied, said things like “the infamous ‘Pace Plague,’ the holds on the cafeteria chicken, falling asleep in the library, and legendary teachers like Ms. Smith!” Yet the most popular and common answer to the question was the heavily-relied-on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches graciously given out freely during the 10-minute break worked into students’ schedules. “No other school is awesome enough to give their students FREE sandwiches,” enthused freshman Carlee Pokalsky, “On my first day of high school I honestly thought it was too good to be true.” Yet a terrible, terrible thing is set to happen to these beloved PB&J snacks. The cafeteria staff recently announced that they
will only be making sandwiches out of the dreaded end pieces of the loaves of bread, which are also known as the “butts of the bread.” The decision was made in an effort to conserve more useable bread for the cold cuts section of the cafeteria. “We can no longer use up so much good bread on the break time sandwiches,” said Sage’s Ms. Nicole Crowell, “I’m sure students will acclimate to the change and learn to love bread crust!” In this sense, however, Ms. Nicole was horribly mistaken. Students are not prepared to accept these new sandwiches. “People always avoid the butt pieces. Everyone knows that!” said freshman Andrea St. Paul,
“I don’t think people will be happy about this change.” And indeed they aren’t. Junior Erik Howard exclaimed, “What am I expected to eat now to curb my midday hunger?!” Sophomore Caillin Cooke was equally distressed, saying, “I am too accustomed to the regular sandwiches. I can’t just acquire a new taste for bad bread now!” In response, the Sage cafeteria staff is prepared to negotiate with Student Council to come to some sort of compromise on the issue. Hopefully the decree on end-piece-only bread will be revoked so senior Emily Pair won’t be forced to stage, as she put it, a “full-on strike to save my beloved sandwiches.”
Photo: Riley Muse
Junior Morgan Brewton-Johnson is unhappy with the new crust sandwiches.
Pace Curriculum Has Become Way Too Easy By: David Martos Sports Editor ‘14 Through the years, Pace Academy has been known for its rigorous curriculum and demanding homework assignments which prepare students for life beyond the Academy. Recently, though, coursework has been much easier and is leaving parents puzzled and students ecstatic. Teachers had seen a small
By: Elizabeth Roos Social Media ‘14
dip in GPA scores over the past few years and decided to make adjustments. Veteran teachers like Ms. Smith and Dr. Kasilus have eased up this year and are making their teaching more relaxed and less stressful for the students. Students have noticed the change and are thrilled with their academic success this year. Student GPA’s are skyrocketing. “I was worried about Ms. Smith’s AP Euro class, but it’s been a piece of cake, and she’s been so nice to us,” said sopho-
more Maria Grenader. Some art teachers have also made their classes easier. Mr. Bloodworth has been handing out coloring books to his students, and Mr. Dorman has been teaching a “selfies” class rather than an advanced photography course. “I’ve been having a little trouble keeping my coloring within the lines, but other than that, art has been a lot of fun and a lot easier than I remembered,” said junior Harrison Halberg. “I’m adjusting my course to
match the current generation of photography, thus allowing the students to partake in ‘duckfacing’ and other shenanigans,” said Mr. Dorman. Because of the higher grades and students having more free time due to lighter homework loads, Mr. Gannon is eliminating free periods for the remainder of the year until teachers resume their previously brutal style of teaching. But some teachers are resistant. “All of these kids have worked too hard for too
long. The dolls don’t deserve to be punished any more by my fractals,” said Dr. K. Although most of my fellow students would disagree, I think it is outrageous for Pace to become less competitive academically. Pace has always prided itself in being elite academically, and without that rigor, it is nothing. I hope that the Academy can recapture its former greatness, because its grueling coursework was the reason I came to this school.
Pace Students and Faculty Love Shenanigans
April Fools’
April 3, 2013
The Knightly News - Page 8
JV Boys Rule the World By: Julia Beck Staff Writer ‘15
Last week, Pace Academy’s JV boys basketball players were named world champions at the triennial Boys Junior Varsity World Championship Tournament. This year was the first triennial world tournament for JV boys basketball squads. “It was pretty cool,” said sophomore Elijah Sheft, “We definitely deserved it, though. We’ve been talking as a team the whole season about how we knew we could win the world championships.” The Pace boys were given the honor to play in this world tournament because of their “outstanding record and stellar regular season,” according to the tournament committee. Pace was one of four teams from the U.S. chosen to compete in the tournament. By pure coincidence, the other three participating teams from the U.S. were also from Atlanta: Lovett, Westminster, and Holy Innocents’. The tournament took place in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, at the future sight of the 2016 Summer Olympics on the newly built Olympic basketball courts. At the outset, there was a field of 63
teams for Pace to overcome and six games to win. “It didn’t seem possible, especially after their first round against Germany,” said Athletic Director Kris Palmerton, who was at every tournament game. “It was a close game, but sophomore Zachary Kerker’s three-point shooting finally won the game for our Knights.” After their first game, it was smooth sailing for the Knights. The JV boys got through the second and third rounds with ease, crushing the Russian and Venezuelan teams, both by more than 30 points. Westminster and Holy Innocents’ both lost their games in the second round, but Lovett made it to the elite eight game against Pace. It was a tight game in the first half, but in the third quarter, junior Will Rucker carried the team with a total of 17 rebounds, nine steals, and 27 points, and was instrumental in the win. “It was very impressive,” said Coach Fortier, “I’d never seen him play like that before. I think he was channeling the spirit of Mr. Ballard when he plays PAPUBA. Either way, I knew from the beginning that we had come prepared to slaughter Lovett. It was only a matter of time.” The Knights simply flew through the final four. Led by
Elijah and junior Tripp Conrad, the Pace team beat Egypt’s representative team. Elijah started off the game with three dunks, setting the standard for the team and the stage for Tripp to finish off the game with a total of 14 steals and 34 points. The final score against the Egyptians was 93-52. In the final, championship game, Pace was up against a strong Japanese team. Coach Johnson said, “I went and talked to the Japanese coach and team before the game. I won’t disclose exactly what was said, but let’s just say I gave our boys a definite psychological advantage for the game.” With Coach Johnson’s intimidation factor, the Knights were able to pull out their final win. The entire team played well, but sophomore Waide Swain was leading scorer with a total of 71 points. The game was won by a last second buzzer beater by sophomore Drew Beck, ending the game with a score of 84-83. Drew said, “It was a great experience, but I couldn’t have done it without all the support I get from my team, my friends, my coaches, and my family. Most important was all the encouragement I got from my sister Julia. I couldn’t have done it without her cheering me on through the whole season.”
Photo: Aaron Wasserman
Sophomores Daniel Kaplan and Zachary Kerker can hardly contain their joy.
Kenny Selmon Quits Track By: David Martos Sports Editor ‘14 Junior Kenny Selmon recently shocked Pace Academy with his decision to quit track his senior year to play tennis instead. The move is puzzling to most, seeing how dominant Kenny is at the hurdles, but no one doubts that he will be able to annihilate his new competition on the court. Kenny has played tennis almost every weekend, ever since he first saw his cousins, Serena and Venus Williams, play on TV. Kenny was only four at the time, but he was mystified by the sport’s grunting. Kenny wanted to follow his relatives’ path to success, but
was pressured at an early age by the Pace Academy faculty and his friends to compete on the track and field team. Kenny gave into peer pressure and he calls it the “worst decision of my life.” Kenny has finally decided to follow his heart and play tennis for the Knights next year. His decision came just weeks ago on a televised program on Peachtree TV called “The Decision.” Many in the Pace community are mad at Kenny for abandoning the track team. Coach Laura Agront-Hobbs is one of the most aggravated. She said, “I wasted valuable years of my life teaching the boy how to jump high. He betrayed me and the track family.” Diehard track fan and long time friend of Kenny, junior Carter Draughon, shares the opinion of most of Kenny’s
friends and fans: “Kenny is using the best year of his life for the worst and meaningless sport in the world. What a waste of talent.” There are a small number of Pace students who are pleased with the decision. “We’re gonna lose a lot of talent next year, but we finally have another superstar other than myself,” said junior Jay Kumar. Tennis coach Neil DeRosa believes the addition of Kenny “will be valuable and will finally push the team over the hump.” Kenny describes his style of play as “aggressive and fast” and uses his insane vertical jump to put a lot of power into his serve. Kenny will be joining Jay and junior David Martos on the singles line next year, in hopes of leading the team to a state
Photo: Wilson Alexander Freshman Alex Rafeedie can bench 45 pounds thanks to steroids.
Baseball Season Nixed Due to Steroid Use By: Wilson Alexander Staff Writer ‘14 Effective April 1, the remainder of the varsity boy’s baseball season has been canceled. Recently implemented steroid tests by the Georgia High School Association, or GHSA, found that all team members except juniors Raphael Ramirez and Jared Datoc were using some sort of performance enhancing drug. Drugs found included human growth hormone (HGH), testosterone, deer antler spray, “the clear,” and dianabol. The news came as a shock to head coach Matt Hall who said, “I’m just so surprised to learn this news. I never would’ve expected this from any of Pace’s teams, but especially not from these players.” Soon after the news broke in March, the GHSA launched an investigation into steroid use in the program. GHSA officials found that steroid use has been occurring inside the varsity baseball program for years. Senior catcher Miles Sheft admitted that he was forced to use steroids his freshman year by his teammates, as were the other current seniors, and after seeing the massive impacts they made, they used them without question. The cycle repeated itself and each year the freshman class was forced to begin use, without the knowledge of former head coach Charlie Owens and current head coach Matt Hall. On the matter, Mr. Owens
said, “I wish I could’ve stopped this, and I’m ashamed to learn this began under my coaching and continued for what they [the GHSA] said was at least a decade of use.” Both coaches as well as Head of Strength and Conditioning Clement Rouviere condemned the players’ actions. The test results from this year’s team indicated that even though nearly the entire team had been “juicing up,” freshmen Jack Eichenlaub, Alex Rafeedie, and Andy Bainton, as well as senior Zach Steinfeld, were the heaviest users of steroids and other PEDs. “I’ve been using them since freshman year after pressure from the upperclassmen and because I was pleased with my results in the weight room. I continued using them as I threw faster and farther,” said Zach. On his experience with steroids, Andy said, “I had, at first, been forced to use steroids but when I injured my elbow I began to use them more. I saw what deer antler spray did for Ray Lewis’ injury so I began incorporating it into my own regimen to heal my elbow. It worked really well.” Jack and others acquired the deer antler spray from the company S.W.A.T.S., who originated the spray. In response to the findings, the GHSA mandated that the baseball program be suspended for the rest of this season and that every player be administered regular drug tests by Pace. Each player found to be using is also suspended from GHSA regulated sports until the end of the 2012- 2013 school year.
championship.
Photo: David Martos
Junior Kenny Selmon gets ready to hit the courts.