this is what losing someone feels like: a letter to my late grandfather

synopsis

my grandpa was slowly dying while i was doing work for school. when i learned he passed away, i couldn't still process the fact that he is indeed not with us any longer. it was like i was a computer lagging so much because it can't keep up with the overflowing, overwhelming data anymore.

more than two years later, i'm still trying to cope with it. among everyone in the family, i'm the last person who hasn't still recovered from the devastating news until now--i was the only one left who hadn't moved on yet, and the fact that i am starting to forget how he sounded like when he's alive breaks my soul--like a wine glass shattered into pieces.

in this flash nonfiction story, the author tries to navigate himself in living a life worth remembering--while coping with the loss of someone who fed him, who watched him grow, and someone who he truly loved.

growth.

it was on August 31st of 2004, where i was happily born into this crazy world. while mom was away for board exams and dad was away for work, lolo ping and grandma took care of me. they both fed me, dressed me up, bathed me, accompanied me to school–basically everything that i needed was being given by them. years have passed and they witnessed the man that i was becoming. however, along the process, they still saw the most childish bits of me. i was very grumpy, talkative, energetic, and picky about food, but i still have compassion within me.

over the years, they have witnessed the accomplishments i made, which can evidently see on the medals i carry over my neck. their rejoicing and cheers are the major cues that they are really, really proud of me. everyday, you check up on me, asking if how my day went–and it has been a custom of me to say mano po everytime i go home from outside. sometimes, we eat together when i come home early from school–oh how i miss those times we spent together. however, the pandemic came. as someone who has allergic rhinitis, i wasn't always able to go near to lolo and lola because i feared for their health, considering their age.

the revelation.

december 8th of 2020, my mom received a call that lolo was having a hard time breathing. i wanted to go but hospital protocols prohibit a minor like me to enter. so, i remained in our room, doing academic requirements as usual.

as i was about to sleep, i somehow have this thought that lolo was… bound to pass away that night. i was trying to knock the thought off my mind, but i can't. i kept praying while tearing up, until i slept.

at around 7am the next morning, i woke up, seeing my parents back from the hospital. i asked: "musta na si lolo?" my mom tiredly replied: "wala na si lolo mo. " i somewhat panicked, but i do not know what to feel at that time–i went downstairs to check on my lola, only to find out that she was already bursting into tears. i kept hugging her until she calmed down. few days later, lolo was buried–and everyone kept going on with their lives. months passed by, and everyone was doing better than they were before. though they often miss lolo, they don't let the grieving thought mess up their day.

howdoisay goodbye?

my grandpa was slowly dying while i was doing work for school. when i learned he passed away, i couldn't still process the fact that he is indeed not with us any longer. it was like i was a computer lagging so much because it can't keep up with the overflowing, overwhelming data anymore.

more than two years later, i'm still trying to cope with it. among everyone in the family, i'm the last person who hasn't still recovered from the devastating news until now--i was the only one left who hadn't moved on yet, and the fact that i am starting to forget how he sounded like when he's alive breaks my soul--like a wine glass shattered into pieces.

ever since then, everything reminded me of lolo: from face masks, combs, baby oil, and shoe fitter, to eating oatmeal–since it was one of his staple food.

i don't know how to properly mourn. i haven't cried on the day he died or on the day he was about to be buried, yet suddenly whenever i think of him, i cry. tears falling down like a waterfall–i guess this is my way of mourning: in silence.

tololoping:

hello, lolo. how are you? are you doing great up there? i sure hope so.

because if you were to ask me the same question, the answer is that i am not. i haven't fully recovered ever since you left me, lola, mama, and everyone. it was like i went blank–my heart sank deeper than i could've ever imagined.

as i was writing this story and letter, i am silently tearing up. words can no longer expound the pain i felt, the grief i went through, but above all, i cannot explain anymore how i am longing for your presence–how i miss you. in case you want to know, i’m still the nonoy u knew when you left me behind–the nonoy who’s makulit, an achiever, and above all, the nonoy who is kind.

lolo, i am still scared of dying. i am scared of leaving this world when i get older, but this is how it goes, right? that everything that comes to birth must cease to exist?

i am sorry if i was indifferent in any way when we were still hanging out. my childish actions created a kind of rift between us as i grew, but know that i always loved you until now. know that it was love that made me feel like this way, but it was love who connected me to you–to spend my 16 years with you.

i love you and will always miss you everyday that i live here on Earth, lolo. watch me over as i become a doctor in the future, making my family proud of me. watch me over as i live a life worth living and to be cherished for a lifetime.

may we see each other again in the great beyond.

tololoping: love, nonoy.

heaven gained another angel. my love for you is immeasurable beyond words and numbers, lolo ping. may you continue to watch us over down here. i'll never forget you.