The Dysfunctional Families Issue

THE VOICE FOR ADULT SURVIVORS OF CHILD ABUSE

SUMMER 2012

January 2012

FATHERS OF HIGH HONOR A TRIBUTE TO GOOD FATHERS

MEN’S MENTAL HEALTH

COMMON MENTAL HEALTH DISORDERS THAT AFFECT MEN

FAMILY TIES: THE TIES THAT BIND

DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES & THEIR LEGACIES

DR. JOHN REED SHARES HIS PERSONAL JOURNEY OF

HEALING THE CHILD WITHIN OUTSPOKEN MAGAZINE

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Reading resources available at book retAILERS ALSO ONLINE AT BARNESANDNOBLE.COM

ASCAR Centers International Inc.

Our research reveals the need for more recovery resources for adults living the aftermath of childhood trauma. OUTSPOKEN Magazine is proud to speak for and to abuse survivors, and inspired to make a difference on behalf of this neglected segment of society. Our calling bids us to step forward and lobby for more reclamation services specific to adults who have been traumatized by childhood neglect and abuse.

ASCAR Support Group SETX area.

We meet regularly in a nurturing environment to examine the circumstances that caused our shame or denial, allowing each individual to reclaim control over his or her own life. Our meetings are closed to protect the safety and privacy of attendees. To attend a meeting, you must be a self identified adult survivor of child abuse and pre register. Relatives and friends of survivors are not permitted to attend meetings unless they also are survivors of child abuse.

The following are details of the next meeting in the South East Texas Area.

SUBSCRIBE NOW

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Date: Visit our Website Time: 6:15 PM Location: Howell Furniture Store Community Room Outspoken Address: 6095 Folsom Road Beaumont, TX 77706Magazine www.outspokenmag.com Contact: 713.445.6880/409.422.9135 or email walexander@outspokenmagazine.org

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contents

36

28

features WHAT’S YOUR TAKE?

SALSA NOW SERVED IN TEXAS

Tell Your Story.................................................................................................................12

.................................... 15

.................................... 56

Talk of the Town..............................................................................................................28 Outspoken Youth............................................................................................................ 32

DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES AND THEIR LEGACIES

FATHERS OF HIGH HONOR

Speaking of Gifts............................................................................................................ 12

.................................... 20

.................................... 50

SURVIVORS OF SEXUAL ASSAULT

PATERNITY FRAUD

.................................... 54

.................................... 62

Winsome Revelations.......................................................................................................7 Out Speak........................................................................................................................ 10

Health & Wellness...........................................................................................................36 Speaking Tall...................................................................................................................50

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OUTSPOKEN

THE VOICE FOR ADULT SURVIVORS OF CHILD ABUSE

Publisher Winsome Alexander

THE VOICE FOR ADULT SURVIVORS OF CHILD ABUSE

FATHERS OF HIGH HONOR A TRIBUTE TO

MEN’S MENTAL HEALTH

COMMON MENTAL HEALTH DISORDERS THAT AFFECT MEN

FAMILY TIES ARE THE TIES THAT BIND

Executive Assistant Rita Jackson Senior Photographer Scott Boden

DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES & THEIR LEGACIES

Artistic Direction Ink Noir Media

DR. JOHN REED SHARES HIS PERSONAL JOURNEY OF

HEALING THE CHILD WITHIN OUTSPOKEN MAGAZINE

stay

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connected www.Facebook.com/Outspokenmag

A LOT in a little book. *Ever wonder what side of the pro choice/pro life debate aborted babies are on?

@Outspokenmag

*Ever wonder if aborted babies have regrets? *Ever heard a would be mother apologize to her aborted babies?

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*And domestic violence, what’s that really like?

For any donation to OUTSPOKEN Magazine upwards of $10.00, you can receive this book as a gift from us.

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Outspoken Magazine

www.LinkedIn.com/Outspokenmag Outspoken Magazine is a published quarterly by the in both print and digital formats. Publication of advertising contained therein does not constitute endorsement.

Signed columns are the opinions of the writers and not necessarily the opinions of the publisher, advertisers, or their agencies. All copy is protected and cannot be reproduced without written permission from the publisher. Copyright 2012

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from the editor

Oh my! Our second annual conference? How did we get here? By grace, multiple little miracles, perseverance and an undying compassion for adults victimized in childhood.

GOOD FATHERS

Associate Editor Andrea Morrison

SUMMER 2012

winsome revelations

This is not a “calling” for everyone but those who have ears to hear and eyes to see will recognize the silent human outcry for help. Unless abuse survivors are already actively in the healing mode, they are too ashamed to tell you that they are victims. How then, do you recognize a person traumatized by child abuse? If you care enough, you’ll see it in the habits, the choices made, the fear in their eyes, the uncertainty in their demeanor, the words used to describe themselves. You’ll see it in the abnormal emotional response to various situations.

They might be needy, clingy or distant or fluctuating between either state. They might seem selfish or lazy, or inconsistent, prone to trouble and accidents, targets of maltreatment and bullying. Don’t take it personally when they shy away from hugs; they are not at home in their bodies and some view closeness as danger. They will be unstable, moving frequently, unable to keep a job, angry, unable to sustain lasting nurturing relationships. They might display symptoms of mental illness or downright dissatisfaction with self and life. For some, the pain might become so unbearable that they re-abuse, thus perpetuating the cycle, or worse, commit horrendous crimes or suicide as in the case of Ashley Billasano.

You’ll very often find them in jails, shelters, welfare offices, or working odd jobs, but don’t be fooled. We can also be found in the best paid professions, most successful businesses, and among the wealthiest, some living very high profile public lives, but if untreated, never among the happiest.

OUTSPOKEN gives voice to the adult who would otherwise be urged to keep devastating secrets hidden. We allow survivors to say no, we cannot just get over it because we don’t know how. We are hurt and we need help. We want the chance to take our lives back. We are angry and we want what was stolen from us when we were mercilessly violated. We deserve the same supportive therapeutic programs provided for drug abuses, child victims, those with chronic diseases, like diabetes, hypertension, sickle cell anemia, or even mental illness sufferers. Truth is, many of us fall prey to these diseases because of unresolved childhood trauma.

Traumatized adults still in bondage from childhood devastation are to be considered victims of crime. For improvement to the quality of life for all families in our communities, their cries must be heeded, their stories told and justice should be awarded them.

Winsome Alexander

Founder, ASCAR Centers International Inc. Adult Survivors of Child Abuse Recovery Centers OUTSPOKEN Magazine International Inc. The Voice for Adult Survivors of Child Abuse

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reader feedback

Cover

Photo:

Scott Bo

Writing Competition

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I saw your magazine at 2nd Chance Motors and I think it is a major thing that you are doing. I looked at it and thought, Wow! A magazine for survivors of abuse? I had not seen anything like

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to say how grateful I am to you for doing this.

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OUTSPOKEN: It’s a labor of love, born out of my own affliction.

I’m healing in more places every day through reaching out to touch someone else where they hurt and to let them know that they are not alone.

You have given birth to a long overdue baby. Surely, this is God breathed and your work will not be in vain. PM-TX It’s interesting that you would refer to the mission as a baby

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While My Parents Fought...

(Write about how your parents’ disagreements affected you throughout your life) As part of our MISSION to spotlight adult survivors of abuse, we are inviting readers

ON COMM RDERS H DISO HEALT FFECT MEN THAT A

to participate in a creative writing competition aimed

IES FAMILY T S IE T E ARE TH D B T THA FAMINILIES

at sharing stories with others as a means of healing. Selected stories will be featured in upcoming issues of

AL CTION LEGACIES IR & THE

Outspoken. We also accept anonymous submissions to

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WITHIN HE CHILD

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My Father...

(Write anything you want to express about your biological father, pleasant or not)

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HEALING

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protect your privacy.

Submit entries to Email: walexander@outspokenmagazine.org or OUTSPOKEN Magazine PO Box 5363 Beaumont TX 77726

because I do consider myself the mother of OUTSPOKEN. Indeed, I do feel as protective of it as if it were my own human child. But, like a human child; it takes a village so really OUTSPOKEN is the responsibility of all of us. We thank you for treating it kindly.

I heard your story on The Breeze radio station and it encouraged me to share my own story with your readers. I wish I could subscribe to your magazine but I can’t afford it. I have been incarcerated for over 17 years and about to be released next year. I live with HIV contracted from the last time I was raped.

(JB, MALE INMATE, AND ADULT SURVIVOR OF CHILD ABUSE, TX) OUTSPOKEN: JB, I cry each time I read your letter because so much of it reminds me of my own story. You thank me for encouragement but I also thank you for encouraging me. My works costs me overwhelming sacrifices at times and just a few days ago I asked myself…so, why are you doing this again? Then I get phone calls and letters like yours and things fall right back into perspective and I find courage and strength to carry on.

The interesting thing about chosen ones such you and I is that it’s really not just about us in the long run. It’s about who else we touch and who we can comfort with the same comfort we are comforted. Thank you so much for your letter and I will tell you how you can continue to be a part of the mission even from behind iron bars. We will make OUTSPOKEN available to you at no charge.

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tell your story

survivor stories

living with

a bipolar spouse by: Susan Daniels A story of a toxic and abusive marriage to a person suffering from this mental disorder.

L

Living with a bipolar spouse is exhausting and

He talks about killing me in a joking manner. He also discusses his wanting to just die and that he has “given up”.

indeed in those days, quite the charmer.

and family or any support by alienating those folk. I find it comforting when night falls and his slumber is deeper. It is my

can be TOXIC. For years, I wondered if I was

heart rhythms due to his rages and the repercussions of his ill decisions. I have several health disorders undeniably related

only escape.

to the trauma I face on a daily basis. He lied and told me our

was quite outgoing and very confident. I was very attracted to

Now he is borderline psychotic and sleeps most of the day and

I now personally owe over $30,000.00 in medical debt. I wonder

to my worth in the marriage. He always restricted me with

his charisma. During the “highs” he did however; make poor

all night, refusing to work or look for employment. We have lost

unreasonable demands. I was not allowed to work outside the

decisions based on unrealistic thoughts. He refused to consult

two exceptionally profitable businesses in the last six months.

home, answer the phone, or get mail. This, I now understand,

or share with me these “executive decisions” he made. We have

Our credit is ruined, as he has paid no bills. He makes tangible

was an attempt to hide the uncontrolled side of his bipolar

lost businesses, homes, vehicles, friendships, dignity, and our

commitments to improving our life in various ways, but NEVER

personality. He has always found it difficult to be empathetic

credit. I was always forced into silence or I would receive his

follows through. We have gone from an abusive marriage to

emotionally or reassuring physically. There were times when I

vicious verbal violence. I was continuously reminded he was the

a hellish daily torment. I no longer trust him as he lies about

just needed a hug or a simple touch. Instead, I was met with

“bread winner” and thus entitled to making all the decisions. I

everything and hides very important details of life. He talks

loud outbursts of cruel insults and delusional accusations, as if

came to enjoy the less frequent “highs”, because I knew it was

about killing me in joking manner. He also discusses his wanting

he was enraged by my troubles. Naturally, his anger made him

the only time he was capable of being civil and surprisingly

to just die and that he has “given up”. MOST DISTURBING.. Wish

blame me for most everything that went awry. Honor in holding

“nice” or overly generous. His condition has been untreated,

he had told me in advance, before he coerced me into lending

a job, participating in child care, maintaining the home or

although diagnosed. He refused medications for more than

him my life savings. I am sure he will never return the funds.

vehicles, managing money, or being truthful in much of anything

a month or two. He seemingly does not acknowledge the

All the stress of coping with him has provoked severe and

seemed like an impossibility. He developed the flaw of habitual

disparity of his condition or accept it.

relentless Panic attacks for me. I was recently hospitalized to

lying, even concerning the slightest issue. He put on a great

Throughout the 40 plus years I have been married to him,

control my outrageous blood pressures, pulses, and irregular

show to others, in always bragging about his attributes. He was

he has greatly deteriorated. He has kept me from friends

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as inferior and “stupid” as I was told. Often,

When I met him, he had both euphoric modes and depressive

my husband would manipulate me by stating,

modes. I still recall how sweet and generous he could be. He

“You have contributed nothing,” in regards

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health insurance was paid. Instead, I discovered it was not, and if he has life insurance still as he has allowed it to lapse so many times in the past. He “bought” me a car a few years back while in a “high”. To my dismay, it was leased in my name, through a business we co-owned at the time. I now also owe back payments and turn in fee for that. He has forged my signature countless times.

The first question one would ask is why you tolerated this all these years. My answer is that he created such a co-pendency that I no longer even know who I am. He has berated me into thinking I am subhuman. I have no income because I am disabled. I have no one to turn to. We are now on several state assisted programs, much to my shame. I know I should run...but I can’t even crawl right now.

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What’s your take on this song?

Ponder the lyrics of the song then read a few random reactions shared below. How do you personally feel about this song? Me, I wish a fellow church member had written it.

john mayer

daughters

I know a girl, She puts the color inside of my world But she’s just like a maze Where all of the walls all continually change And I’ve done all I can To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands Now I’m starting to see Maybe it’s got nothing to do with me CHORUS Fathers, be good to your daughters Daughters will love like you do Girls become lovers who turn into mothers So mothers, be good to your daughters too Oh, you see that skin?

It’s the same she’s been standing in Since the day she saw him walking away Now she’s left, cleaning up the mess he made

Kate Roberts 409.998.1181 14

www.mythirtyone.com/kmr

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What some are saying...

An insidiously evil and demented set of lyrics that

“and boys soldier on” - Implication that men are

work to cement the sexist abuse of males starting

soldiers and women are not. I’ll ask my marine lady

at their birth.

friends what they think about this. I am by no means a soldier, and many women are much better soldiers

Panders to typical feminazi claptrap. will be remarked

than I would ever be.

upon (if anyone even bothers to dig up this repulsive

CHORUS Fathers, be good to your daughters Daughters will love like you do Girls become lovers who turn into mothers So mothers, be good to your daughters too

ditty from the dungheap of outdated bigotry) as a

“But boys would be gone without warmth from, A

reminder why some modern music has contributed

woman’s good, good heart” - Boys would be gone?

to this age’s cultural dementia.

Does he mean they would die off without women?

Boys, you can break You’ll find out how much they can take Boys will be strong and boys soldier on But boys would be gone without warmth from A woman’s good, good heart

The message in this story is very accurate on what’s

about here? Yes, neither women nor men would

actually happing in the world today. I can relate to

exist without the other in theory. Also, this implies

this not that I have been in this type of situation, but

that women have good hearts and men have...not

I have heard from friends about theses unfortunate

so good hearts?

On behalf of every man Looking out for every girl You are the god and the weight of her world

Are you sure it’s a girl’s “good heart” we are talking

people and I have even talked to people that have gone throw this situation. Some of these people don’t even know that there a victim, they think it’s an everyday thing; don’t know any other way.

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Understanding Bipolar Disorder

Symptoms and Treatment of Manic Depression

Mania

Depression

•

Increased energy

•

•

Euphoric mood

•

Extreme irritability

•

Racing thoughts, talking

Sad, anxious, or empty mood

•

Feelings of hopelessness, guilt, worthlessness, or

We all have ups and downs but,

Bipolar disorder is a mental illness in which

,poor job or school performance, and even

with bipolar disorder, you suffer

people experience dramatic mood swings

suicide. Treatment can help people coping with

with peaks and valleys that are

that are on opposite ends of the pole. It is

the disorder lead relatively normal lives.

•

much more severe and can hurt

also refered to as manic-depressive disorder

concentrate

pleasure in activities once

your job and school performance,

because people may feel extremely hyperactive

About 5.7 million American adults have bipolar

•

Little sleep needed

enjoyed

damage

and

(which is called the mania state), or extremely

disorder. Though it usually develops in late

•

Unrealistic beliefs in one’s

•

Decreased energy

disrupt your daily life. Although

depressed. There is a common misconception

teens or early adulthood but some people have

abilities and powers

•

Difficulty concentrating,

Bipolar disorder is treatable,

that people going through a manic episode are

been diagnosed during childhood, and others

many people don’t recognize the

happy. However, this is not completely true

may develop them very late in life. It is often

warning signs and get the help

as mania describes a higher level of energy.

difficult to diagnose because it can be easily

they need. Because bipolar tends

Although euphoria is associated with mania,

confused with other disorders. People may

to worsen without treatment, it’s

symptoms also include feeling snappy or angry.

suffer for more than 10 years before they are

important to learn the symptoms

The symptoms of bipolar disorder are difficult to

accurately diagnosed.

and take action.

live with as they can lead to poor relationships

relationships,

very fast

Each year, bipolar disorder affects approximately 5.7 million Americans

percentage of the population each year.

Bipolar disorder causes dramatic mood swings so that at one time, a person can be overly energized or be extremely sad. It is also possible for a person to experience periods of normal moods. However, when the person is not experiencing a normal mood, he or she is either going through periods of highs, or episodes of mania, or periods of lows, or episodes of depression.

A person is diagnosed with mania if he or she has three or more of the above symptoms for a week or longer.

However, depression is diagnosed if five or more of the

Poor judgment

remembering, making

Spending sprees

decisions

•

Increased sexual drive,

•

Restlessness or irritability

abuse of drugs or alcohol,

•

Sleeping too much or not

provocative behavior Denial

•

Suffer for more than 10

resulting in an unintended

years before they are

weight loss or gain

Change in appetite,

•

Chronic pain not caused by physical illness or injury

Unfortunately, seven out of ten people with bipolar disorder will receive

•

one misdiagnosis before it is determined that they suffer from the

Suicidal thoughts or attempts

disease. People can face up to ten years of dealing with the disorder before getting an accurate diagnosis, with only one in four receiving an accurate diagnosis in less than three years. Women are more likely to

The warning signs of suicide include:

be misdiagnosed as having depression, while men are more likely to be

•

Talking about death, self-harm, or suicide

misdiagnosed as having schizophrenia.

•

Feeling hopeless or helpless

•

Feeling worthless or like a burden to others

The disorder is not discriminatory against age, race, ethnicity, or social

•

Acting recklessly, as if one has a “death wish”

class. An equal number of men and women develop bipolar illness.

•

Putting affairs in order or saying goodbye Seeking out

However, twenty-five percent of people diagnosed with bipolar disorder

weapons or pills that could be used to commit suicide

are diagnosed before the age of 25.

•

Seeking out weapons or pills that could be used to

commit suicide

Important: It’s very important to take any thoughts or talk of

disorder. If one parent has the disorder, their children have a fifteen to

suicide seriously. If you or someone you care about is suicidal, call

A mild to moderate level of mania is called hypomania.

thirty percent chance of getting it too. If both parents have the disease,

the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK. IN A

then their children have a fifty to seventy-five percent chance of acquiring

LIFE-THREATENING EMERGENCY, CALL 911.

severe and can turn into depression if left untreated.

Sometimes severe symptoms can lead to psychosis, or psychotic symptoms, which include hallucinations and delusions.

the disorder.

Bipolar Disorder and Suicide The depressive phase of bipolar disorder is often very severe, and suicide is a major risk factor. In fact, people suffering from bipolar disorder are more likely to attempt suicide than those suffering from regular depression. Furthermore, their suicide attempts

The disorder is not discriminatory against age, race, ethnicity, or social class. An equal number of men and women develop bipolar illness. However, twenty-five percent of people diagnosed with bipolar disorder are diagnosed before the age of 25.

tend to be more lethal.

The risk of suicide is even higher in people with bipolar disorder who have frequent depressive episodes, mixed episodes, a history of alcohol or drug abuse, a family history of suicide, or an early onset of the disease.

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accurately diagnosed.

percent of the people with untreated bipolar disease commit suicide.

•

above symptoms are evident for two weeks or longer.

even function better. However, hypomania can become

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at all

•

A person with the disorder most likely has a parent that suffers from the

The person who experiences it may feel good and may

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Loss of interest or

•

Without treatment or diagnosis, this disorder can be deadly. Thirty

symptoms

helplessness •

•

ages 18 and older. One in eighty-three people in the United States will be afflicted with this disease. It is a serious condition that is affecting a larger

Distractibility, inability to

Lithium: The first mood stabilizer for bipolar disorder Mood stabilizers are medications that help control the highs and lows of bipolar disorder. They are the cornerstone of treatment, both for mania and depression. Lithium is the oldest and most well-known mood stabilizer. It is highly effective for treating mania.

Lithium can also help bipolar depression. However, it is not as effective for mixed episodes or rapid cycling forms of bipolar disorder. Lithium takes from one to two weeks to reach its full effect.

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Lithium (CON’T) Common side effects of lithium

Bipolar disorder is the sixth leading cause of disability in the world.

Also...

Bipolar disorder results in 9.2 years reduction in expected life span.

The following side effects are common on lithium. Some

•

See a doctor straight away if you get any

may go away as your body adapts to the medication.

of the physical illnesses or symptoms listed

•

Weight gain

above. Always tell any doctor or pharmacist

•

Drowsiness

that you are taking lithium before you are

•

Tremor

prescribed, or buy, any new medicines.

•

Weakness or fatigue

Source: Netdoctor.co.uk

•

Excessive thirst; increased urination

•

Stomach pain

The importance of support in bipolar disorder recovery

•

Thyroid problems

People with bipolar disorder do better when they have

•

Memory and concentration problems

support from family members and friends. Those whose

•

Nausea, vertigo

loved ones are involved and supportive tend to recover

•

Diarrhea

more quickly, experience fewer manic and depressive episodes, and have milder symptoms.

The importance of regular blood tests If you take lithium, it’s important to have regular blood

What are some things I can do that might help me feel

tests to make sure your dose is in the effective range.

better?

Doses that are too high can be toxic. When you first

•

start taking it, your doctor may check your blood levels

and your true self. Your health care providers can help

once or twice a week. Once the right dose has been

you separate your true identity from your symptoms by

determined and your levels are steady, blood tests will

helping you see how your illness affects your behavior.

be less frequent.

Be open about behaviors you want to change and set

However, it’s still important to get blood tests every

goals for making those changes.

two to three months, since many things can cause your

•

lithium levels to change. Even taking a different brand of

treatment when possible. They can help you spot

lithium can lead to different blood levels.

symptoms, track behaviors and gain perspective. They

Other factors that influence your lithium levels include:

can also give encouraging feedback and help you make a

•

Weight loss or gain

plan to cope with any future crises.

•

The amount of sodium in your diet

•

•

Seasonal changes (lithium levels may be

is also about a healthy lifestyle, which includes regular

higher in the summer)

sleep, healthy eating, and the avoidance of alcohol,

Educate your family and involve them in

Work on healthy lifestyle choices. Recovery

•

Many prescription and over-the-counter

drugs, and risky behavior.

drugs (e.g. ibuprofen, diuretics, and heart and

•

blood pressure medication)

to your health care provider about your medications’

•

Caffeine, tea, and coffee

effects on you, especially the side effects that bother

•

Dehydration

you. There are many options for you to try. It is very

•

Hormonal fluctuations during the menstrual

important to talk to your health care provider first

cycle and pregnancy

before you make any changes to your medication or

•

Changes in your health (for example, heart

schedule.

disease and kidney disease increase the risk

Source: Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance

of lithium toxicity)

What can I do to avoid toxic lithium levels from developing?

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Know the difference between your symptoms

•

Make sure that you go for the blood tests

whenever they are needed.

•

Don’t suddenly change the amount of salt

in your diet; it is especially important not to

suddenly reduce your salt intake.

•

Make sure that you drink enough fluids,

especially if you are exercising heavily or in

hot weather when you will sweat more.

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Find the treatment that works for you. Talk

the road to recovery By: Robin L. Flanigan

If you’ve been free of symptoms or “feeling normal” for at least six months, does that mean you’ve recovered from depression?

How do you map out a richer, more satisfying existence?

In this view, recovery is “a process of change through which individuals improve their health and wellness, live a self-directed life, and strive to reach their full potential.”

Remission of symptoms, while important, is just one step in a process of personal growth. Furthermore, each person’s journey to recovery is unique and need not adhere to any particular timetable.

This philosophy calls for acceptance that you have a chronic condition, commitment to cultivate change, and optimism for the future. You may not have the life you once pictured, but you can still develop and maintain a satisfying, meaningful life.

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19

CYCLE

DYSFUNCTIONAL

ABUSE

FAMILIES AND THEIR LEGACIES

w

When problems and circumstances such as parental mental

tend to take on adult responsibilities from a young age in these

illness, child abuse, or extreme parental rigidity

families. Parental emotional needs tend to take precedence, and

and control interfere with family functioning, the

children are often asked to be their parents’ caretakers. Children

effects on children can sometimes linger long after

are robbed of their own childhood, and they learn to ignore

these children have grown up and left their problem

their own needs and feelings. Because these children are simply

families. Adults raised in dysfunctional families frequently report

unable to play an adult role and take care of their parents, they

difficulties forming and maintaining intimate relationships,

often feel inadequate and guilty. These feelings continue into

maintaining positive self-esteem, and trusting others; they fear a

adulthood.

loss of control, and deny their feelings and reality.

Abusive Parents WHAT IS A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY?

Abuse can be verbal, physical, or sexual. Verbal abuse - such as

Family dysfunction can be any condition that interferes with

frequent belittling criticism - can have lasting effects, particularly

healthy family functioning. Most families have some periods of

when it comes from those entrusted with the child’s care. Criticism

time where functioning is impaired by stressful circumstances

can be aimed at the child’s looks, intelligence, capabilities, or

(death in the family, a parent’s serious illness, etc.). Healthy

basic value. Some verbal abusers are very direct, while others

families tend to return to normal functioning after the crisis

use subtle put-downs disguised as humor. Both types are just as

passes. In dysfunctional families, however, problems tend to be

damaging.

chronic and children do not consistently get their needs met.

Negative patterns of parental behavior tend to be dominant in

Definitions of physical abuse vary widely. Many parents, at one

their children’s lives.

time or another, have felt the urge to strike their child. With physically abusive parents, however, the urge is frequent and

WHAT GOES WRONG IN DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES?

little effort is made to control this impulse. The Federal Child

Deficient Parents

Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act defines physical abuse

Deficient parents hurt their children more by omission than by

as “the infliction of physical injuries such as bruises, burns,

commission. Frequently, chronic mental illness or a disabling

welts, cuts, bone or skull fractures; these are caused by kicking,

physical illness contributes to parental inadequacy. Children

punching, biting, beating, knifing, strapping, paddling, etc.”

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MENTAL ILLNESS

Photo Credit: Young & Rubicam 12. Do you tend to hang on to hurtful or destructive relationships?

13. Are you more aware of others’ needs and feelings than your own?

70% of abused children turn into abusive adults

14. Do you find it particularly difficult to deal with anger or criticism?

15. Is it hard for you to relax and enjoy yourself?

16. Do you find yourself feeling like a “fake” in your academic or

Sexual abuse can be any physical

professional life?

contact between an adult and child where that contact must be kept secret.

17. Do you find yourself waiting for disaster to strike even when

Demonstrations of affection -- such as

things are going well in your life?

hugging, kissing, or stroking a child’s hair -- that can be done openly are quite

18. Do you find yourself having difficulty with authority figures?

acceptable and even beneficial. When physical contact is shrouded in secrecy then it is most likely inappropriate.

Striking a child has much to do with meeting the parent’s emotional needs and nothing to do with concern for the child; parents often erroneously justify the abuse as “discipline” intended to “help” the child. Physically abusive parents can create an environment of terror for the child, particularly since violence is often random and unpredictable. Abused children often feel anger. Children of abusive parents have tremendous difficulties developing feelings of trust and safety even in their adult lives.

Sexual abuse happens to both boys and girls. It is perpetrated by both men and women. It cuts across lines of race, socioeconomic level, education level, and religious affiliation. In most cases, sexual abuse is part of an overall family pattern of dysfunction, disorganization, and inappropriate role boundaries. Responsibility for sexual abuse in all cases rests entirely with the adult. No child is responsible for being abused. Most sexually abused children are too frightened of the consequences for themselves and their families to risk telling another adult what is happening. As a result they grow into adulthood carrying feelings of self-loathing, shame, and worthlessness. They tend to be self-punishing and have considerable difficulties with relationships and with sexuality. Regardless of the kind of dysfunction or abuse, effects vary widely across individuals. Support from other healthy adults, success in other areas, or positive changes in the family can help prevent or minimize negative effects. The following questions may help you identify how you may have been or continue to be affected.

While parents may justify or rationalize verbal or physical abuse as discipline aimed at somehow helping the child, there is no rationalization for sexual abuse. Sexual abuse is the most blatant example of an adult abusing a child purely for that adult’s own gratification.

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HOW CAN SOMEONE OVERCOME THE EFFECTS OF A DYSFUNCTIONAL

2. Learn to Identify and Express Emotions. Growing up in a

Adults raised with family dysfunction report a variety of long-

FAMILY?

dysfunctional family often results in an exaggerated attention

term effects. The following questions may help you assess your

Regardless of the source of dysfunction, you have survived. You

to others’ feelings and a denial of your own feelings and

own situation. Answering “Yes” to these may indicate some

have likely developed a number of valuable skills to get you

experiences. While this often results in very good sensitivity to

effects from family dysfunction. Most people could likely identify

through tough circumstances.

others, you may have neglected sensitivity to yourself. Stop each

HOW MIGHT I BE AFFECTED?

day and identify emotions you are or have been experiencing.

with some of them. If you find yourself answering “Yes” to over

What triggered them? How might you affirm or respond to them?

half of them, you likely have some long-term effects of living in a

Consequently, it is important to first stop and take stock. You may

dysfunctional family. If you find yourself answering “Yes” to the

find that much of what you learned in your family is valuable.

majority of them you might consider seeking some additional

Many of the survival behaviors you developed are your best

Try keeping a daily feelings journal.

help.

assets. For example, people who grow up in dysfunctional

Be selective in sharing your feelings with others. You may not

families often have finely tuned empathy for others; they are

find it helpful to share all of your feelings. In sharing your feelings

1. Do you find yourself needing approval from others to feel good

often very achievement-oriented and highly successful in some

with others take small risks first, then wait for a reaction. If the

about yourself?

areas of their lives; they are often resilient to stress and adaptive

responses seem supportive and affirming try taking some larger

to change. In examining changes you may want to make in

risks.

2. Do you agree to do more for others than you can comfortably

yourself, it is important not to lose sight of your good qualities.

accomplish?

Patience is necessary! Negative effects from growing up in

3. Allow Yourself to Feel Angry About What Happened.

dysfunctional families often stem from survival behaviors that

Forgiveness is a very reasonable last step in recovery, but it is

were very helpful when you were growing up, but may become

a horrible first step. Children need to believe in and trust their

problematic in your adult life. Remember that you spent years

parents; therefore, when parents behave badly, children tend

learning and practicing your old survival skills, so it may take

to blame themselves and feel responsible for their parents’

awhile to learn and practice new behaviors.

mistakes. These faulty conclusions are carried into adulthood,

3. Are you perfectionist?

4. Or do you tend to avoid or ignore responsibilities?

often leaving guilt, shame, and low self-esteem. When you begin

5. Do you find it difficult to identify what you’re feeling?

6. Do you find it difficult to express feelings?

1. Get Help. In most dysfunctional families children tend to

with trying to forgive your parents you will likely continue to feel

learn to doubt their own intuition and emotional reactions.

very badly about yourself.

Often outside support provides an objective perspective and 7. Do you tend to think in all-or-nothing terms?

8. Do you often feel lonely even in the presence of others?

9. Is it difficult for you to ask for what you need from others?

10. Is it difficult for you to maintain intimate relationships?

11. Do you find it difficult to trust others?

much-needed affirmation which will help you learn to trust

Placing the responsibility for what happened during your

your own reactions. Help or support can take many forms:

childhood where it belongs, i.e., with the responsible adults,

individual counseling, therapy groups such as Survivors of Incest

allows you to feel less guilt and shame and more nurturance and

or Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families (ACODF), and self-

acceptance toward yourself.

help groups such as Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA), Alanon, or Codependents Anonymous (CODA). Texas Woman’s University

It is usually helpful to find productive ways to vent your anger.

offers a variety of therapy groups each semester.

This can be done in support groups or with good friends. Try writing a letter to one or both of your parents and then burning the letter. You may want to talk with your parents directly about Outspoken Magazine what happened.

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If you decide to do this it is important to keep your goal clear. Do you want to encourage change and work for a better relationship, or are

victimized or abused in childhood

you trying to get even or hurt them back? Pursuing revenge frequently results in more guilt and shame in the long run. Holding on to anger and resentment indefinitely is also problematic and self-defeating. Focusing on old resentments can prevent growth and change.

4. Begin the Work of Learning to Trust Others. Take small risks at first in letting others know you. Slowly build up to taking bigger risks. Learning who to trust and how much to trust is a lengthy process. Adult children from dysfunctional families tend to approach relationships in an all-ornothing manner. Either they become very intimate and dependent in a relationship, or they insist on nearly complete self-sufficiency, taking few interpersonal risks. Both of these patterns tend to be self-defeating.

Frequently, children of dysfunctional families continue to seek approval and acceptance from their parents and families. If these people could not meet your needs when you were a child, they are unlikely to meet your needs now. Recognize your parents’ limitations while still accepting

aggression turns outward

aggression turns inward

healing

whatever support they can offer. Seek your support from other adults.

Practice saying how you feel and asking for what you need. Don’t expect people to guess -- tell them. This step will likely require much effort.

5. Practice Taking Good Care of Yourself. Frequently, survivors of dysfunctional families have an exaggerated sense of responsibility. They tend to overwork and forget to take care of themselves. Try identifying

self destruct

the things you really enjoy doing, then give yourself permission to do at least one of these per day. Work on balancing the things you should do with the things you want to do. Balance is a key word for people who’ve grown up in dysfunctional families. Identify areas you tend to approach

destroyed by others victim

compulsively: Drinking? Eating? Shopping? Working? Exercising? How might you approach this in a more balanced fashion? One of the best things you can do for your mental and emotional well being is to take good physical care of yourself. Do you eat a good healthy balanced diet? Do you get regular exercise?

abuser / victimizer

6. Begin to Change Your Relationships with Your Family. Keep the focus on yourself and your behavior and reactions. Remember, you cannot change others, but you can change yourself. Work on avoiding entanglements in your family’s problems. Al-anon calls this “detachment.” Counseling or support is usually crucial when trying to change family relationships. You are fighting a lifetime of training in getting hooked into their problems, usually including large doses of guilt. It is also important to be patient with your family. They may find it difficult to understand and accept the changes they see in your behavior. While most families can be workable, undoubtedly there are some rare families who are far too dangerous or abusive to risk further contact.

Children who were abused received repeated reinforcement in their childhood to act as a victim. Often it was the only way to get acknowledged by parental figures. Identification and imitation of the parents’ roles of victim or victimizers may lead to

continue cycle of abuse

corresponding behavior. If a boy identifies with an abusive father, we can expect him to attempt to repeat the abusive behavior.

Similarly, a girl who observes her mother being abused is more likely to engage in such behavior herself (Gelles & Straus, 1988).

It is not uncommon for a person to assume both roles and become an abuser as well as a victim.

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a lighter note

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T On The Role of Thomas

Sigee

The County Tax Accessor/Collector (The elections have passed, but we hope that you still find this information useful.)

talk of the town I grew up in a housing community called Neches Park Homes, in the South end of Beaumont, TX. Most people have a negative impression of government housing projects but they would be wrong. Neches Park homes, which no longer exists was then, a step up for my family. Our apartment was a four bedroom, multitiered, red brick condominium on the Neches. I come from an era that fully understood family, and community; a time when neighbors looked out for each other and children learned to behave because we knew that the adults were watching us. The era I refer to was one of two spankings. The adult who caught you doing wrong outside of home would provide you one spanking and when you got home, you caught a second spanking.

answer is that the Jefferson County Tax Office provides the citizens of Jefferson County with one centralized stop to pay all taxes due from businesses and homeowners. Without the tax department, people would have to write separate checks to their cities, school districts, ports and drainage districts. The tax office is also responsible for the registration of vehicles, approving liquor licenses and stamps for vending machines throughout Jefferson County, TX. Last, but not least, it serves to function as the Voter Registrar. It is important that the voting roles are accurately maintained. I would never

participate in the election process.

“I ask that you take

OUTSPOKEN - We are certainly glad you are helping us

a good look at me

affects us but you have peaked our curiosity and we have

for who I am as a person.”

are both so very proud of all our children as we watch them grow into adulthood.

OUTSPOKEN - You are indeed an example of social service them.

So, what position are you aspiring to now and why?

Thomas Sigee - I am running for the Jefferson County Tax

and I hope this inspires you to become a little more involved in making a change for better.

The simplified

on registration procedures to encourage potential voters to

Together we have five children ranging from ages 18 - 25. We

few? What can even you do to help uplift your neighborhood? Thomas Sigee’s long history of community service caught my attention

the dots on the role of the Tax Assessor.

I would take a more pro-active stance concerning educating

Thomas Sigee - I am married to Alicia, an educator with BISD.

to human services, while others couldn’t care less? Would you agree that there is a lot of work to be done among us and laborers are

Thomas Sigee - I would need a full page to completely connect

attempt to press my political beliefs on anyone, but if elected,

OUTSPOKEN - And now you have a family of your own, right ?

Are you as curious as I am about the inner workings and resources of our communities? Do you wonder, what motivates some people

fyi

Assessor-Collector office for many reasons, particularly because I am qualified for the job. I have the experience, the education, the history of community involvement and the leadership skills necessary to head the department.

understand a little bit about how the Tax Assessor office several more questions. Perhaps you or a colleague will return next issue to answer some more of our questions.

Before you go, please tell us how long are assessors allowed to serve?

Thomas Sigee – The term of the Tax Assessor/Collector is usually four years.

OUTSPOKEN - also engages in community welfare and is always in need of all types of support by way of sponsors, donors, advertisers, subscribers, contributors, readers etc.etc. Is there anything the community can do to help your mission? If one wanted to help your campaign, what could that person do?

Thomas Sigee – Actually, the community can help in many ways, but getting out and voting is the most crucial. I make three appeals; the first one is to voters who supported me in the past, in other ventures and organizations I was a member of. The

OUTSPOKEN - Mr. Sigee, you have a wealth of experience in public service, community involvement is in your blood isn’t it? Tell us a little about your background.

OUTSPOKEN - Leadership requires confidence and it is evident

Thomas Sigee - I’d have to say, you’re right; community involvement is in my blood. My eldest brother Ed Sigee Jr. was instrumental in

people, what exactly is the role of the Tax Assessor?

that you have plenty of that. Now, Mr. Sigee, will you tell the

second appeal is to those who did not vote for me, for

shaping my life and my first service to the community was helping him coach a little league baseball team. My mother, Nora Boutte Sigee (South End Angel) filled my heart with compassion and my father Ed Sigee Sr. was a man who felt obligated enough to get involved in becoming part of the solution to community problems.

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www.beaumontpd.com

whatever reason. I ask that you take a good look at me for who I am as a person. Look closely at me and my character to determine who I actually am. Thirdly, I appeal to those that get totally caught up in the political aspect of things to rethink. Your taxes are not determined by political affiliation and there are no breaks based on what side you vote. All taxes collected go to maintaining the health, welfare, and safety of all the citizens of Jefferson County.

OUTSPOKEN - Anything else your community can do, Mr. Sigee?

Thomas Sigee - Naturally, running a campaign or any organization consumes resources, mainly finances. I do need my community’s financial contribution to fund this campaign.

The Citizens Police Academy is a 13 week program which meets on Thursday nights, and is designed to familiarize citizens with how and why the police operate in the manner that they do. A number of hands-on activities, including pursuit driving, firearms range, and defensive tactics are included, and the course is free to the public.

OUTSPOKEN - Thank you so much sir, for sharing your heart with us. We receive this as much needed encouragement to continue our own work to change lives. Now, do you mind if we ask how you truly view the efforts of OUTSPOKEN? Thomas Sigee - OUTSPOKEN Magazine is a diamond in the rough.

I call it that because it puts violence against women and children on the spot and calls it what it is…WRONG. I once worked in the capacity of the Domestic Violence Officer for Jefferson County and it was wrong then, as it is still is now. Until we (society) firmly put a foot down to stop abuse, our women and children will continue to live in fear of a person who says, “I love you.”

OUTSPOKEN - Oh My Goodness, you said it! What an irony, to live in fear of the one who claims to love you. Thank you for your insight, Mr. Sigee. May peace be with you.

This article is purely for educational purposes. It is not an endorsement of any candidate. All other applicants are welcome to submit pieces for the general education of our communities.

OUTSPOKEN Magazine.

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The Beaumont Police department is involved in a number of volunteer and community programs on a daily basis. Those programs include Citizens in Action, Citizens Police Academy, Citizens Police Academy Alumni Association, Police Substation Volunteers, and the Clergy and Police Partnership.

The Citizens Police Academy Alumni Association is a public service, non-profit group that supports area law enforcement.

They are involved in many public service activities, and meet monthly to further their training and knowledge about policing.

A group of citizen volunteers staff the Parkdale Mall Police Substation each weekday during business hours. They are responsible for disseminating information to and interacting with the public on behalf of the police department. They also meet regularly to further their training.

The Clergy and Police Partnership is comprised of a group from the local clergy who receive specialized training. Their primary mission is to minister to police employees in need and to respond to emergency and/or crisis situations to assist officers.

BEAUMONT POLICE COMMUNITY RELATIONs Contact: 409.880.3825 or 409.880.3802 Outspoken Magazine

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OUTSPOKEN YOUTH PRESERVING THE ORIGINALITY OF OUR YOUTH

• 90% of children from violent homes witness their fathers beating their mothers • 63 % of all boys, age 11-20, who commit murder, killed the man who was abusing their mother • Children in homes where violence occurs are physically abused or neglected 1500% more than the national average.

• Research has shown that the more severe the mother is abused, the worse the child is abused.

• Nationally, 75% of battered women say their children are physically or sexually abused.

• Daughters of abused women are six times more likely to be abused than girls of non abusive families.

• Research has shown that 13 of 20 incestuous fathers were also physically violent to their wives and family members.

• More than half of the child abductions in this country occur in the context of domestic violence.

• Approximately 3.3 million children witness domestic violence in their homes each year. Child victims of severe violence have two to four times higher rate of trouble making friends, temper tantrums, failing grades in school, problems at school and at home. Abused children are arrested by the police four times more than non abused children.

Source:turningpointservices.org

CHERISH THE CHILD 32

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health & wellness

physical, mental, spiritual

Common Mental Health Disorders that affect Men

Men tend to suffer anxiety just as much as women do even if they don’t appear to.

GENERAL ANXIETY DISORDER Anxiety, when untreated, can soon become a danger to

a man’s health as well. Studies have shown that men, especially middle-aged men who experience high levels of anxiety on a relatively consistent basis are more prone to deep depression and heart problems. Increased risk of heart attacks is sure to follow if a man’s anxiety is not dealt with. Too much anxiety can cause a man to become more irritable, jumpy, argumentative, worried or overly anxious.

Even in today’s society, unspoken expectations of men are followed; expectations that men can’t appear weak and appear able to handle just about anything that comes their It may appear that women tend to suffer from general anxiety

way without any help. Many men will feel self-conscious

far more than men do, but men tend to suffer anxiety just

about going to see a therapist for help because they feel

as much as women do even if they don’t appear to. There

that others will find out and show that they are weak. As a

are many things in life that can contribute to the increasing

result, men have avoided seeking the help that they need

anxiety that men will experience in their lives. It could be

for years. Online therapy is an answer to these worries.

issues at work, it could be the low level of confidence they

Men who would not normally seek help from a therapist in

have, or difficulties at home with the family where the

person are seeking help from online counselor by logging

relationship is not as healthy as it should be; any of these, or

onto the internet at home. It is a more secure, discreet and

even a combination of a number of these can all contribute

confidential way to get help without the worry that others

Even in today’s society, unspoken expectations of

to anxiety in men. There are many more causes of anxiety

will find out. The online therapist and the patient can easily

men are followed; expectations that men can’t

in men, including the possibility that they inherited anxiety

message back and forth to help the patient work through

appear weak and appear able to handle just about

through genes or are experiencing anxiety as a result of some

their anxiety. Online therapy is just like regular therapy, it is

anything that comes their way without any help.

chemical imbalances in the

just done online instead of in person

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Common adult ADD / ADHD symptoms:

health & wellness

physical, mental, spiritual

Disorganization and forgetfulness

When you have adult ADD/ADHD, life often seems chaotic and out of control. Staying organized and on top of things can be extremely challenging—as is sorting out what information is relevant for the task at hand, prioritizing the things you need to do, keeping track of tasks and responsibilities, and managing your time. Common symptoms of disorganization and forgetfulness include: •

poor organizational skills (home, office, desk, or car is

extremely messy and cluttered)

•

tendency to procrastinate

•

trouble starting and finishing projects

•

chronic lateness

•

frequently forgetting appointments, commitments,

and deadlines

•

constantly losing or misplacing things (keys, wallet,

phone, documents, bills)

•

underestimating the time it will take you to complete

tasks When you have ADD/ADHD, it’s easy to end up thinking that there’s something wrong with you. But it’s okay to be different. ADD/ADHD

resources

isn’t an indicator of intelligence or capability. Certain things may be more difficult for you, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find your niche and achieve success. The key is to find out what your strengths are and capitalize on them.

Mental health america.net NAMI National Alliance on Mental Health Oflikeminds.com

It can be helpful to think about attention deficit disorder as a collection of traits that are both positive and negative—just like any other set of qualities you might possess. Along with the impulsivity and disorganization of ADD/ADHD, for example, often come incredible creativity, passion, energy, out-of-the-box thinking, and a constant flow of original ideas. Figure out what you’re good at and set up your environment to support those strengths.

Create a supportive work environment. Make frequent use of lists, color-coding, reminders, notes-to-self, rituals, and files. If possible, choose work that motivates and interests you. Notice how and when you work best and apply these conditions to your working environment as best you can. It can help to team up with less

www.dbsalliance.org/ mhmr/mental health and mental retardation Mental Health Services We serve people challenged with: Schizophrenia, Bipolar Disorder, Major Depression, Severe emotional crises, and Difficulty with independent living skills related to mental health issuees Crisis Line 24 hrs a day / 7 days a week 1-800-937-8097 Intake Admission Diagnostic Services (409) 839-1002 / 1-800-317-5809 Mental Health Services(409) 839-1000 Mental Retardation Services (409) 784-5400

creative, more organized people—a partnership that can be mutually beneficial.

Other mental disorders that affect men are: depression, schizophrenia, obsessive compulsive disorder, eating disorders, and more.

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10 r u l es

for achieving success Success is the intentional, pre-meditated use of choice and decision. Unless you choose—with certainty— what it is you want, you accept table scraps by default!

health & wellness

physical, mental, spiritual

The world is plump with opportunity. With boldness and conviction, stick a fork into the goals you want by being decisive.

6 7 8 9 10

Your dialog with success is ultimately a solo one.

You were born with great capabilities, but you will not achieve your

Decisions and goals made must be your own if you

potential until you call upon yourself to fulfill it. You will rise to the

are to call your life a success.

occasion when it presents itself; yet, to assure self-fulfillment, you must provide occasions to rise to. Clearly defined goals allow you to

Always establish the best goals you can. Goals are the

travel toward another horizon that represents the end of one experi-

seeds of success—you become only what you plant.

ence and the transition to a new and better existence. The objec-

The quality of your harvest is a direct reflection of

tive is to choose the right goals, and then to create the necessary

the quality of your seeds...your decisions!

causes—the effects will follow!

The DIFFERENCE between what one person and another achieves

:Indecision is the big eraser of opportunity and poten-

depends more on goal CHOICES than on ABILITIES.

tial. Risks can costs accompany every decision; how-

The profound differences between successful people and others are

ever, the price of decision is far less than the long-

the goals they choose to pursue. Individuals with similar talents, intel-

range risks and costs of comfortable inaction. When

ligence, and abilities will achieve different results because they select

it comes to decisiveness, squatters have no rights.

and pursue different goals.

1 2 3 4 5

Each decision affects WHAT YOU BECOME. We form our decisions and our decisions form us.

There is no escaping this; the smallest choices are important because—over time—their cumulative effect is enormous.

Never overlook the obvious: The nature and direction of your life change the instant you decide what goals you

Everyone has an official wish list of things they think are “reasonable.” What about the unofficial wish list?

The one that common sense tells you to ignore? The list that exists deep in your mind, the list that keeps you up at night, the list that makes your toes wiggle when you think of it? Why not choose that list for a change?

How long have you dreamed of being, having, and doing what you really want? Think big, as when it comes to your goals, the size of your ambition does matter.

want to pursue.

Once you make a decision, you start down a path to a new destination. At the moment the decision is made, your decision to pursue a goal alters what you are becoming. Just one spin of the lock’s dial—a single choice—can alter your life, your destiny, your legacy.

Think about it—your goal decisions represent and express your individuality. You seal your fate with the choices you make. .

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Spiritual Quiz:

How Spiritual Are You?

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Q1. I believe that God: 1. Exists and intervenes in daily events 2. Exists but does not intervene in daily events 3. Is a spiritual ideal, not an actual being 4. Does not exist

Q2. When I think about issues of faith or spirituality, my foremost concern is: 1. A sense of connection to something larger than myself 2. A rational understanding of whether religious claims are valid 3. A personal relationship with God 4. A framework of morality and hope Q3. I believe the scripture I know best (the Bible, the Koran, etc.) is: 1. Mostly or entirely mythology

T

Traditionally, many religions have regarded spirituality as an integral aspect of religious experience.

Among other factors, declining membership of organized religions and the growth of secularism in the western world have given rise to a broader view of spirituality.

The term “spiritual” is now frequently used in contexts in which the term “religious” was formerly employed.

2. Divinely inspired and mostly true 3. Divinely written and accurate 4. Should be viewed mainly as storytelling or metaphor, not a literal account Q4. Which of these statements comes closest to expressing your most basic view regarding faith?

1. Faith is important because it helps us cope with the struggles and hardships of life 2. Faith is important because it makes the world a better place, by encouraging love and moral behavior 3. Faith is not important 4. Faith is important because it fulfills God’s wishes and protects our souls 2. There is reincarnation or some other condition Q5. I believe that the universe we observe:

3. There is nothing

1. Is natural in origin, but has higher spiritual aspects

4. There is an afterlife in which we are judged, then rewarded

2. Was created supernaturally

or punished

3. Is completely natural and has no higher aspect 4. Was created under divine guidance, but using natural physics

Q8. Evil is present in the world because: 1. Of human failings; evil has no supernatural component

“What’s your religion?” It used to be such

Q6. I think prayer is:

2. God or a Higher Power wishes to test people

a simple question to answer. But now you

1. Heard by God or angels, and for many people God or angels

3. It is impossible to have free will without evil

responds

4. Humanity is sinful by nature

might be “spiritual but not religious”--or raised in one faith but practicing another.

Find out where you stand on spirituality by taking the quiz below and scoring your answers using the score chart provided.

2. Heard but no answer should be expected 3. Worthless

Q9. I believe that angels:

4. Best understood as a form of meditation or moral awareness

1. Exist and intervene to assist the pure-hearted 2. Exist but only watch us, taking no action

Q7. I think that following life:

3. Exist only on the spiritual plane, not in this life

1. There is an afterlife for the virtuous but no hell; the evil simply

4. Do not exist

cease to exist

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physical, mental, spiritual

Q10. I believe that the Devil or demons:

Q16. In my view, God:

Q22. The spiritual quest for me is mostly about:

1. Exist and are active on Earth, working to corrupt men and

1. Either does not exist, or God’s nature can never be known

1. Keeping in touch with something greater than myself

women

2. Exists but is remote from human events

2. Learning to lead a good life or finding inner peace

2. Exist in the form of temptation to sin, not as specific beings

3. Is present at some times and absent at others

3. Fulfilling a psychological need

3. Do not exist

4. Is everywhere and observes everything

4. Finding a connection to God

4. Exist but only in the supernatural realm, not in this life Q17. I think children should:

Q23. Nature is:

Q11. If I had to categorize my own religious and spiritual beliefs,

1. Be raised to practice the faith of their parents

1. Entirely a product of natural forces

I would say they are:

2. Be taught spiritual awareness but also to avoid affiliating

2. A spiritual force in itself

1. Moderate; part of me is spiritual and part of me is skeptical

with formal religion

3. Mainly natural, but so majestic it is evidence of a Higher

2. Agnostic, or hold no spiritual beliefs

3. Be encouraged to reject faith in favor of secular philosophy

Power

3. Unshakable in my beliefs; I rarely experience doubt

4. Be exposed to many religious traditions and encouraged to

4. Supernaturally created by God

4. Strongly committed to my faith, though sometimes I am

make their own choices Q24. To be valuable to me, religion and spirituality must be

troubled by unanswered questions Q18. Which of these four statements comes closest to reflect-

sought:

Q12. Regarding those who hold beliefs that are sharply different

ing your views about the character of existence?

1. As part of a congregation or religious community

from mine, I think:

1. Higher purpose comes about through some combination of

2. Partly with a group and partly by myself

1. It’s amazing the sort of nonsense some people will believe

human and divine effort

3. Largely in private

2. Since many people acquire their beliefs through upbringing

2. People should be moral and loving, but life itself is a chemical

4. Not at all

or social circumstances, we should not judge

accident lacking inherent meaning

3. All beliefs are equally valid

3. Higher purpose in the universe is everywhere, divinely cre-

4. They may be sincere but are mistaken or ill-informed

ated and preexistent 4. Regardless of whether we are natural or supernatural in

Q13. Regarding the formal teachings of specific denominations,

origin, we can give meaning to our lives by practicing love and

I:

morality

1. Accept most or all of what my faith teaches 2. Accept some of what my faith teaches but also reject some

Q19. What frustrates me most about faith is:

3. Reject most or all formal teachings of faith

1. That even having faith and treating others well does not pre-

4. Take practically everything taught by faith with a grain of salt

vent bad things from happening to me or my loved ones 2. That ultimate events such as the Second Coming do not

Q14. Each day’s newspaper brings reports of crimes, natural

happen

disasters, and disease. My most basic reaction is:

3.

1. My faith is tested because I cannot understand how a just

between people

God could tolerate the agony of the world

4. That God allows so much suffering and evil

Here’s how to interpret your score: 25 - 29 Hardcore Skeptic -- but interested or you wouldn’t be here!

30 - 39 Spiritual Dabbler -- Open to spiritual matters but far from impressed 40 - 49 Active Spiritual Seeker--Spiritual but turned off by organized religion 50 - 59 Spiritual Straddler --One foot in traditional religion, one foot in free-form spirituality 60 - 69 Old-fashioned Seeker -- Happy with my religion but searching for the right expression of it 70 - 79 Questioning Believer -- You have doubts about the particulars but not the Big Stuff 80 - 89 Confident Believer -- You have little doubt you’ve found the right path 90 - 100 Candidate for Clergy

That religions continue to create barriers and hostility

2. I feel sadness, but accept that both the good and the bad of life are somehow part of God’s plan

Q20. In regards to religion and morality:

3. Such tragedies make me confused about the nature of the

1. I think it’s impossible to be moral without being religious

Higher Power

2. It’s possible but difficult to be moral without reminders from

4. Tragedies and disasters in the world convince me there is

religion

no God

3. It’s entirely possible to develop and live by a good moral code without religion

Q15. Regarding science and religion, I think:

4. Religion makes it harder to be a moral person

1. Science eventually will disprove religion 2. We should be suspicious of scientists, since most of them

Q21. I believe there is a spirit world:

are atheists

1. Made up of angels

3. Scientific findings trouble me at times but do not reduce my

2. Made up of the souls of people who lived before

faith, because science helps me understand God’s creation

3. Made up of spirits different from us

4. Science and faith seem to me two aspects of the same search

4. There is no spirit world

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health & wellness

financial When I learned that our church was working on a building maintenance project, I immediately offered $100.00.

Because I did not have a particular need at the time, there was nothing I could think of to speak over my seed. On my way to the altar, though, I heard in my spirit…Believe the prophet, so shall you prosper...

Afterwards, on the way home from church, my children wanted to go out to eat. “We will eat at home today, because I have no eating out money now,” I replied. “Mom, you do have money! I saw it in your purse this morning,” asserted Kaycie, my seven year old. “Well, we don’t have that money anymore because I gave it to help our church.”

My baby looked at me with that incredulous expression one would wear if they thought you had lost your mind, “why would you do that mom?” “Because when God moves us to do something, we obey” was my answer. (I’m listening to the story and wondering what must have been going on in the little girl’s mind that evening. I wonder what questions she had for God and what she really thought of her mother and of church that day).

Principles of Tithing: “And you shall remember the Lord your God, for it is He who gives you the power to get wealth, which He may establish His covenant which He swore to your fathers, as it is this day.”

Your tithe is 10% of your gross increase. It is a form of worship, which guarantees prosperity to the faithful giver. Anything above the 10% is an offering. The belief in the many fold returns of prosperity on giving the 10% prompts many successful businesses are structured to give at least 10% of their profit to charity.

Why tithe?

Tithing allows the rebuke of the devourer off of your life and causes all you have worked for to yield its full benefit. Malachi 3:11

Where should the tithe go?

Well, the next day, Darnell continued, my husband opened our mail, noticed a check for $1,000 and left it on the kitchen counter. Much later as I settled in for the evening, he asked me if I had noticed the money order for $1,000 on the counter. I went to check where that money could have come from and to my surprise, there was not only one money order for $1,000 but another for $500.00. Wow! Excitedly, I called Pastor to share my testimony of God’s faithfulness to His promises and pastor asks me to share the testimony with church that Wednesday evening. Now, he just asked me to do something very uncomfortable for me, as I don’t not relish speaking in front of a group, even if the group is my church. Besides, who want to hear a report of a mere $1,500.00 anyway? But, I know the value of obedience so I prayed for strength and courage and shared my story at church. I thought that would have been the end to that but I had was once again asked to reappear before our church to share again for lo and behold, the next day, the Thursdays after I shared, my husband happened to stop by the bank. He called me up, “honey, did you know we were to receive back pay from two years ago for an injury we just got granted payment for? Of course I didn’t.

You cannot split the tithe between your local church and various ministries.

The tithe should go to your local church, to take care of the upkeep of the church. The church is required, to pay the rent or mortgage, keep utilities functioning, maintain the building, assets, provide for the needy and it should take care of the pastor’s personal needs. What happens if you do not tithe?

You are considered a thief, cursed with a curse. Your finances are not blessed. Be faithful in bringing your tithes to your church. Faith equals increase, doubt equals lack.

I know that I am being blessed to be a blessing. God has not stopped blessing us and my children are seeing the increase. See this outfit I’m wearing, someone sent me all this clothes. There were fourteen dresses in the bag she sent me. I’m enjoying all sorts of blessings and abundance because of obedience. Starting with my cakes, I am now confident to move ahead with my catering business. Dena’s Taste & See Cakes and Catering, is now accepting orders.

Give your tithe an assignment:

For more information or to place an order, call 409-658-3758.

Speak a positive word over your tithes…It is like adding fertilizer as you plant a seed. Your confession has a direct effect on whether or not your tithe and offering will produce any blessing in your life.

The Power of the offering As told by Darnell Ward

Adapted from Covenant Bible College: BTH 102 – Biblical Finance

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Receive a book for your $10.00 donation to The Outspoken Foundation for ADULT SURVIVORS OF CHILD ABUSE

“Our wounds, pain and scars may not be visible but they are no less sick than those with biological diseases. We are often victimized by those who say we should just get over it and move on. Truth is, half the time we really don’t even know that our self-destructive behaviors and our emotional imbalances are a result of childhood trauma. We were not able to cry and receive comfort in childhood and now in adulthood, we are still forbidden to cry.

GET HELP! CONTACT A CRISIS CENTER NEAR YOU 48

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But there will be no healing for us if we are not able to admit and express our pain. We are working towards feeling safe to say yes, we were hurt. Yes, adults who should have protected us have failed us and yes, due to a poor start we have not always made wise decisions.

Now recognizing we are survivors, we need to learn those skills we never had the chance to develop. And since many of us are still at the place of our most traumatic childhood experiences, we need help to move on.”

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I

I was about four years young when I experienced a life altering event so profound, it would leave a mark with me throughout my life. It would

change the way I see people and how I felt about myself.

This, my own personal story recounts a journey from rejection and little self-worth to earning my Doctorate. It is the story of a child of two worlds who, having faced rejection from both worlds has now come to understand that I am fine just the way I am, the way I look and the way I feel about myself.

Born and raised in Germany to an African American father and Caucasian German mother, I experienced racism and cultural prejudice at an early age. On a trip with my mother at the age of 4, we went to a restaurant for lunch. My mother ordered two bowls of soup; one for her and one for me. After taking the order, the waiter came back with one bowl of soup and put the bowl in front of my mother. Believing that there was a mistake, she reminded the waiter that she had ordered two bowls of soup.

The waiter refused to bring a bowl of soup for me. Watching my mother becoming furious, I knew something was not right. I just didn’t understand that I had experienced my first racial incident. I understand now.

My parents separated when I was about five years young. The memories of my father were good; however, these memories were negatively influenced by my mother’s

Healing the Child Within:

Dr. john reed

ranting about him. Constantly belittling him, she would repeatedly say that he didn’t care about her and especially me along with claiming that my father beat me excessively.

The odd thing is that I do not remember my father beating me. What I do remember

speaking tall

conquerors of abuse

“Growing up in Germany, I eventually realized that no matter what I did or how I acted, I would never be accepted as a native German.” though are the many beatings I received from my mother; more

either. Talk about being confused! I was confused about where

than often for no apparent reason. Not until years later would

my place in society was and confused about how to honor my

I understand the reasons for her abusive behavior and attitude

heritage. Society was sending me mixed messages, and as a

towards me.

result, I suffered from a severe case of identity crisis.

Growing up in Germany, I eventually realized that no matter

My mother continued to speak disapprovingly about my father

what I did or how I acted, I would never be accepted as a native

and Black people. Imagine hearing this negativity all through

German. It really hit home when I was 16. I dated this cute blond

childhood. Imagine being told repeatedly that your father and

German girl and I liked her very much. Unbeknownst to me, I

Black people are no good. You start to internalize these things.

was about to experience a pain so excruciating that I thought

You start to feel bad about yourself. That is exactly what hap-

my world would end.

pened to me. I started feeling really bad about myself.

During a conversation between my mother and my girlfriend’s

Wondering and asking how my mother’s opinion of my father

mother, she (my girlfriend’s mother), acknowledged that she

and Black people affected my relationship with her, especially

knew that I was dating her daughter. She went on to say that

pointing out the fact that I looked so much like my father and

although she thought I was a fine young man, she would never

was part black, she would say that I was different. Well, you

allow the relationship to get serious because I was Black. Words

know the saying ‘actions speak louder than words’. You see, she

cannot not describe the pain I felt. My world shattered. I knew

may have told me that I was not like my father or Black people,

then that I would never be accepted as an equal let alone be

but her actions showed differently; a point duly noted and inter-

accepted for who I was. Suffice it to say, that this incident had

nalized by me. Imagine taking your mother’s hand in public and

profound implications for me. It deeply influenced how I saw

she shakes lose so as to say that she is ashamed of you. Imagine

the world. If I was not accepted by the German people, where

hugging your mother and she pushes you away. This was pure

did I belong? I found out that the one half of my heritage, my

rejection. Consciously I was aware that the German society did

mother’s white heritage, did not grant me the privilege to be

not accept me, subconsciously, my mother’s actions let me know

seen as an equal. To make matters worse, my mother never

that she also did not accept me. What a burden to carry. If I

consoled me nor did she try to assure me that I would be fine.

thought that things couldn’t get worse, they did.

My self-esteem was broken. Since my father was not present, I did not have a male role model. With the absence of not only a male role model but a male role model of color I could identify with, I was further pushed into despair.

At about age eighteen I came to America. Leaving the only family and friends behind, did not help stabilize my world. At least my hopes of finding acceptance were raised because I knew that I was going to the land where my father was from. I was finally going to find acceptance...so I thought. Though I found more acceptance, all was not smooth. Incredibly, to some Blacks, I was not black enough. Others let me know that they did not like the white part in me and I was simply rejected. Just when I thought that my self-worth was gaining, it took another hit. So here I was, a child of two worlds having trouble finding acceptance in

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speaking tall

conquerors of abuse

One day my mother told me that she wanted nothing to do with me ever again. Wow! I was stunned. Though society has

left its racist mark on me, it was my mother’s treatment that had the most profound impact on my (well) being. I knew that our relationship was not great, but I never saw this coming. I

Q

hated often does not even know or care you hate them.

Referencing your comment “I was finally going to find acceptance” (coming to America) what does acceptance look like for you?

Acceptance for me is when people don’t stare anymore. Make

finally realized that she was a racist and now understood my

me feel that I am not only different, but that I do not fit in. Not

mother’s abusive behavior and attitude toward me. She never forgave herself for having a Black child.

feeling apprehensive about how I look anymore is acceptance.

There are countless other incidents that shaped my worldview

Walking into store and not being followed because people

Walking around without expecting to be called nasty names. believe I will steal. Hugging and kissing white female friends

and how I viewed myself negatively...too many to be written

and not receiving deadly stares. Not being judged because of

here. In spite of all of this, I have come to love who I am today,

my looks.

who I have become. I understand that I could only accept myself today if I had accepted my past...I have.

I understand that I am unique. If no one else accepts me,

I accept myself. I know that I do not always have to please

Q

sore thumb...accepted.

Above all, I let my mother go. I used to think that it was my duty and my obligation as a son to keep the relationship with my mother intact. It is not. I finally let her go and my life has

Once I left Germany, I gained strength and confidence by

beginning of him mentoring me. I did not realize then by me

wellbeing. Regardless of who they are...regardless of who they

telling my life story, I started my healing.

are. social acceptance. It is one of the reasons why I have chosen to earn my If there is one thing I appreciate about what I went through, it Doctorate in Human Services. I have taken the responsibility for my part is that my parents and upbringing showed me how not to treat to do what I can to add love and peace into this world. Following my people. It showed me that I didn’t want to treat my children the dream of being a public speaker, my desire is to help empower people to way my mother or society treated me. My wife, who is Dutch- reach their full potential. But most of all so that they will remember not Indonesian, and I have multiracial children. They are beautiful. who they are but what they are: Beautiful souls!

They are unique. We make sure that our children understand

America and the world had better prepare for it.

(the black,white,fatherless,rejected by society etc....)

I met my mentor. One day, I told him my life story and it was the

obligation to people who are negative or a detriment to one’s

a generation most people in this country will be multiracial.

How did you reconcile within you that all of you is ok?

educating myself about my Black heritage. That happened when

been for the better ever since. I understand that one has no

the future, especially multiracial children since in a little over

I couldn’t wait to be around all black people when I got

to the States so I would be able to blend in; not stick out like a

said that I was too dark or too light were left by the wayside.

that they are beautiful and unique. You see, (our) children are

Acceptance is when I am treated as an equal and at the

same time people celebrate that I am different.

others. I let go of people who questioned my being. Those who

Q

Dr. JOHN REED Identity Crisis surpasses nationality, gender, and culture; during your self proclaimed “identity crisis” what did that period in your life look like? (example, identify some of the feelings associated with that era, and the

We as people need to understand that though we are from attitudes and behaviors you adapted as a result of it) many different racial backgrounds, in the end, we are all one. During that period, I was very apprehensive about my looks, especially Understanding this has boosted my self-worth. I appreciate when I was out of familiar surroundings. Dark skin and dark curly hair is

that I am unique and feel wonderful knowing that we are all not typical German. I felt ashamed of the way I looked. To try to be more one, that we are all connected. I do my part to nurture this accepted, I straightened my hair (e.g., Malcolm X in the movie), despite connection on a daily basis. I realize that I have a right to let having curls. my light shine, like all people do. I recognize that we are all I was very shy because I did not want to call any more attention unique. Understanding this will elevate the love on this planet. to me than I already did.

Something that is desperately needed.

In unfamiliar surroundings, people treated me with more

disrespect. On the other hand, in school (familiar surrounding), I was the

I strongly believe that my childhood struggles have made class clown. It was a cry and a way of getting attention. The love I did not me a well-rounded person today. It has flamed my desire to get from family, I tried desperately to get from my peers. My peers saw help others of not only multiracial descent but also others me as confident. That’s the persona I put out there, but it masked my who suffer from low self-esteem, lack of self-love, or lack of immense insecurities, low self-esteem, and low self-worth.

Learning Black history was a great eye-opener and

boosted my self-esteem. Shortly after, I stopped seeing myself as either Black or White and realized I have something unique to contribute, like all people do. Most just don’t know and understand this important point, yet. When looking at my heritage, I realized I had the best of all in me.

It dawned on me that I couldn’t change the past so

I came to terms with it. That meant, I stopped listening and believing negativity. I had finally come to understand that I am in charge and have a choice to live my life the way I choose to.

Q

Forgiveness is a necessary part of the healing process, how did you come to forgive your mother? or have you?

Yes, I have forgiven her but not forgotten the way she treated me. Don’t want to forget as it serves as a guide to how I do not want to be treated.

Once I put my life story out there, I put things together...it started to make sense. I started to be more at peace. I started to understand that my mother’s dislike for me was not because of me, per se, but because of being part Black. Under the circumstances, I believe she did her best.

People need to know when you hold hatred in you, not

only does it destroy the self like cancer, but the person(s) being

I love life and people, without her I would not be here

so I am thankful.

I am also a firm believer in what people draw into their

lives is a reflection of how they feel. Better get rid of the bad feelings!

Once I became confident about and accepted myself, it

did not matter what anybody said.

In the end, I believe it was meant to be so I can

experience what I did in order to fulfill my purpose. We all have a purpose here on this planet. Knowing and following our purpose is the ultimate plan. It gives us a sense of peace.

Q

Your story is the story of many. What advice would you give to an adult who still grappling with the childhood trauma, and is feeling hurt, confused, rejected and abandoned?

The first step is to realize there is a problem. When you are not happy with your life, examine why it is so. One of the best ways of finding out is to tell you story. Tell your story to a trusted person or write it down. That is the very first step to healing. Like in my case when I asked my best friend after my girlfriend kept insisting my mother was treating me badly.

Allow yourself to be angry, sad, hurt, etc.. Feel whatever

emotions need to be felt. It is a big part of the healing process.

Feeling my emotions allowed me to put things in perspective.

Step by step, I confronted emotions and the situations or person connected with those emotions without expectations; meaning, I wasn’t expecting them to apologize or to understand. If they did, great. If not, C’est la vie. Just to get the emotions out of my system was a great feeling (healing).

Many of you may believe telling your story makes you

vulnerable and weak. Vulnerable yes, weak no! In vulnerability lies strength not weakness. It takes a strong person to show their true feelings, their true self. Weak people hide theirs.

Understand, as long as you stay hurt, people who hurt

you will have power over you. Do not give them that power. Do not give them your power! One of the greatest powers you have is the power of choice...so let go.

Get rid of negative people and surroundings and

surround yourself with supportive people and environment.

You are unique. You can contribute something to this

world no one else can. Remember, there are no two people alike. We are all different; therefore, we have different ways of doing things. That in itself is a reason to love who you are. Thus, treat yourself with love and kindness. Love yourself first, without understanding this, you cannot truly love others.

I believe there is a reason why life happened to you the

way it did. It ties in with what I said above...we all have a purpose on this planet. Trust in knowing that and trust yourself.

Finally, you are deserving!

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Survivors Of Sexual Assault

I

95% of attacks are unreported making sexual assault a “silent epidemic”

If you have recently been sexually assaulted, you may be scared and confused. Above all, remember

that what happened to you is not your fault. The

eating, drinking, using the restroom, douching, washing your

following is some advice to help you through this

hands or brushing your teeth until after you have had the

difficult time:

exam. If you have already done any of these things, you can still

o

Avoid changing clothes, showering, bathing,

receive a sexual assault forensic exam. If it is possible that you •

First, get to a safe place immediately.

were drugged, but cannot wait to urinate until you arrive at the

•

Tell someone who will help and support you. Call a

hospital, collect your first urine in a clean container with a lid and

trusted friend, family member and/or rape crisis hotline.

o

take it to the emergency room or police station with you.

Call 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) to be connected

to a rape crisis center or click here to locate your nearest rape

•

crisis center for free and confidential assistance 24 hours a day.

choice whether or not to report the rape. For the quickest

They can offer options and help you identify what is best for you.

response, call 911 to be connected to the nearest police

Consider reporting the assault to the police. It is your

department.

•

Consider going to the hospital for medical care and

o

For investigative purposes, the sooner you

a sexual assault forensic exam, which is an exam that involves

report the rape, the better. If you choose not to report the assault

collecting evidence for law enforcement. Your safety and health

immediately, you can still do so at a later time. You may have

are important. A doctor or nurse can check for injuries that may

a sexual assault forensic examination to collect evidence even

not be visible and can treat you for possible sexually transmitted

if you choose not to involve the police or file a police report.

infections.

Evidence will be stored for you for at least two years.

o

The sexual assault forensic exam can be

completed even if you choose not to involve the police or file a

As a sexual assault victim, you are not at fault. No one asks to be

Reports reveal many victims to be assaulted before the age of 18

raped. Only the rapist is responsible.

report at this time. If you do not wish to have a sexual assault forensic exam, you may also elect to go to your own family

If you were sexually assaulted some time ago, or if you are a

care physician for medical assessment and treatment. Medical

friend or family member looking for ways to support a loved

professionals are not required to call law enforcement if an adult

one who has been assaulted, there are resources available for

patient has been sexually assaulted, but if the victim is a minor

you as well. Rape crisis centers provide counseling and support

they will have to call the police.

for victims regardless of how recently they were assaulted, and many also offer services to loved ones of victims. Call 1-800-656-

•

If you think you might want to have a sexual assault

forensic examination, do your best to preserve evidence. A victim is eligible for a sexual assault forensic exam up to 96 hours after the assault.

HOPE (4673) to be connected to a rape crisis center for free and confidential assistance 24 hours a day.

Rape & Suicide Crisis of Southeast Texas, Inc. exists for individuals and their families of sexual assault and suicide prevention and awareness.

The education department was established to develop awareness of sexual assault throughout our communities.

Presentations are given in area schools, churches, civic organizations, and professional settings.

The Crisis Center continues to participate in the Coalition Against Sexual Assault through participation in the Annual Candelight Vigil in conjunction with other area Crime Victims Assistance agencies and the Sexual Assault Awareness month in April.

Our goal is to assist our community in reducing the incidences of sexual assault through education and awareness and reduce the degree of physical and emotional trauma experienced by sexual assault survivors and their families. We are an active member of the Southeast Texas Sexual Assault Task Force with other members like, medical facilities, law enforcement, CASA, CPS and Victim Assistance Centers. This task force was developed to ensure a continuum of services for sexual assault survivors and their families.

Crisis Center of Southeast Texas, Inc. P.O. Box 3208 Beaumont, Texas 77704

SALSA is served in Texas!

Sexual Assault Victims Have New Legal Ally in Texas

Founded by a federal grant from the United States Department of Justice’s Office on Violence Against Women, SALSA is a project of the Texas Association Against Sexual Assault and the Texas Legal Services Center.

T

The Sexual Assault Legal Services and Assistance Program, SALSA, now offers free and confidential legal counsel to victims of sexual violence in the state of Texas.

According to Harriet O’Neill, former Texas Supreme Court Justice and former member of the National Advisory Council on Violence Against Women, the SALSA program is uniquely qualified to provide the best legal assistance available to victims of sexual assault. “An act of sexual violence can devastate and derail a victim’s life,” said Justice O’Neill. “It is critically important to ensure that legal services and resources are available and accessible to help restore victims’ lives after an attack.”

With an estimated 1,963,000 victims residing in the state, recently released data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reveal that the rate of sexual assault in Texas is slightly higher than the national average – for both women and men.

“Pressing criminal charges can put a perpetrator behind bars, but survivors of sexual violence have other legal rights and needs that often go unrecognized and unmet,” said Torie Camp, Deputy Director of the Texas Association Against Sexual Assault. “Safety.

Privacy. Housing. Education. Finances. Employment. Immigration Status. These are things that people don’t even think about when they hear the phrase “sexual assault”, but it can affect every aspect of a person’s life. That’s why the Sexual Assault Legal Services and Assistance Program hotline was established.”

Founded by a federal grant from the United States Department of Justice’s Office on Violence Against Women, SALSA is a project of the Texas Association Against Sexual Assault and the Texas Legal Services Center.

“TAASA and TLSC’s combined experience providing free legal services and supporting sexual assault victims throughout the state makes SALSA a great legal ally for survivors.” said Paula Pierce , Hotline Program Manager at the Texas Legal Services Center.

“Both our hotline number, 1-888-343-4414, and our website at hopelaws.org are up and running. We are open for business Monday through Friday, 8 am until 5 p.m., and we’re ready to take more calls.”

Texas Association Against Sexual Assault (TAASA)

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FATHERS OF HONOR There are many men but rare

fathers

It is easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father. There are men who take the on the role of father with pride and honor who play an active role in the nurturing and development their children, some often raising them alone. Father’s Day has passed but there are REAL fathers that exhibit honor everyday.

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regardless of which direction it took us. My sister and I both

Jordan said that after breaking down during the funeral, he

went on to complete Masters Degrees in our chosen fields.

decided that he was going to pitch in RFK’s B-League first-

We were raised as free, though enlightened, spirits in every

round matchup, just as his father would have wanted him to.

sense of the word. Because of my upbringing, what little prejudice I have experienced in my lifetime is never taken as

“When my father was put in the hospital on (May 13), I told

a personal attack on myself, or my race. I hear the words and

myself, ‘Death or survival, I was going to pitch,’ ” Jordan said.

see the actions, but have never allowed myself to receive the

“I knew that’s what he would have wanted from me, to go

brunt of their intent. Instead I feel pity, and yes, forgiveness

out there and pitch. I was going to pitch no matter what”…

for the person who was raised to believe that any of it makes

The Panthers wore caps with Mitchell Wiener’s initials on

a difference. It’s not them talking. It is their parents, and their parent’s parents, and so on down the line. They are privy to a vicious cycle that only they have the personal where-with-all to break. So, I silently say a prayer for them and move on. I was taught to believe in myself.

“A lot of getting along with one another is simply getting to know one another as people.” my father said. “Look at children. They don’t learn distrust and disrespect from each other; they learn it from their parents.” In an era of civil unrest, my father grew up and became a man, and traversed

A Tribute to my Father Joseph Philip Gomer A TUSKEGEE AIRMAN

his path in life, practicing tolerance, integrity, respect and compassion for others. This is what his parents instilled in him, and this is what my sister and I were taught from day one. Equality is easy to fight for when you see within yourself no difference from your fellow man. When you have no doubts whatsoever mentally, physically, and spiritually,

My father was born on June 20, 1920 in Iowa Falls, Iowa. From

the time he was a little boy, he was fascinated with model airplanes. Little did he know he would get his pilots license before his driver’s license. Growing up in one of two African

you are willing to step up and fight on all fronts and prove

them. Wiener served as an assistant principal at Intermediate

that the naysayers are wrong. You are willing to break down

School 238 in Hollis for 30 years. He is survived by his wife,

barriers, open doors for those who follow behind you, and

Bonnie, and two other sons, Adam and Farrell.

care for those who just don’t know any better. So, as one

American families within a population of 5,000, his family was readily accepted and embraced by the community. His

of the Tuskegee Airmen my father gladly fought a war that

Mitchell, a lifelong Mets fan, taught Jordan the game and

father Philip Joseph Gomer, owned a janitorial business that

encompassed two fronts - the military and the country for

coached his son’s Little League team.

In July 1942, at the age of 22, he enlisted in the Army. Later that

serviced local businesses, and he worked for his father from

which he was fighting. But it has taken me 45 years to put

“People shouldn’t feel bad that we lost our father,” Farrell,

year his application to Aviation Cadet Training was approved. The

the age of 12 while attending school. The only black in his

into words that which I have been taught by my parents, by

18, said on Wednesday. “We had the greatest father in the

War Department sent him to Tuskegee Army Air Field in Alabama

class, he graduated from Iowa Falls High School with honors

watching how they interacted with others, by their direct

world.”

under an experimental program launched by congressional order

in 1938.

actions, and what I have inherently grown to know from

in March 1941. My father and the other recruits traveled to

within.

Tuskegee by Pullman. When the train crossed the Mason-Dixon When his father passed away in 1938, the local businesses

line, he waged his first war with segregation. Getting up in the

he had serviced and friends of the family pitched in money

morning to go to breakfast, he and the other Iowans were shown

to help fund my father’s college education. He enrolled in the

to seats in the back of the dining car. Then a curtain was pulled

pre-engineering program at Ellsworth Community College

across, separating them from the other diners. He got up and

(ECC), and graduated from ECC on May 29, 1940. That same

pulled the curtain back a couple of times, but the conductor

year, the Civil Aeronautics Authority contacted ECC regard-

closed them again. Finally, they got up and left

ing offering flight training. My father jumped at the chance

at Sinai Chapels in Queens on Wednesday to .remember Read more of this incredible story:www.josephgomer.com

This One WAS FOR DAD

BY Glen Sacks

My parents raised us believing that we, no matter our race,

courses offered to prepare pilots for the military service. They

gender, social or religious status, were able to accomplish

became known as the Ellsworth Airforce, training with their

Jordan said that after breaking down during the funeral, he

anything we wanted in life. Receiving a good education was

flight instructor in a pasture outside of Iowa Falls.

decided that he was going to pitch in RFK’s B-League first-

stressed, but we were allowed to choose our own way,

round matchup, just as his father would have wanted him to.

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Mitchell Wiener, three days after he died at age 55. He was the country’s sixth swine flu fatality.

to fulfill his dream of flying. He returned to ECC to take the

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Hundreds of mourners, including 400 students, gathered

On Wednesday, Jordan sobbed while quoting from the college application essay he wrote about his father: “Although my dad would look awful ridiculous in tights and a cape, he had the elements of a hero. Mitchell Wiener is the rock of my family.”

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s m i t c i v t n e l i s : n e r d l i ch

paternity J

Jamies Palmer (age 31) met Vicky Clark in 2006.

They dated for a year when she became pregnant.

Not wishing to have a child born outside wedlock, they married in 2008, with the child being born

soon after, and Jamies signing the birth certificate as the father.

Time goes by, but infidelity on the part of Vicky Palmer results in a separation in March of 2011, with Jamies subsequently filing three months later in Randolph County for divorce and custody of the child.

As the final hearing before Judge Mason Gebharbt approaches in January of this year, the mother filed a petition with a different judge (Judge Cynthia Suter) to determine paternity. This was an effort to counter the custody claim by Jamies Palmer, by proving that he was not the father of the child.

Jamies refused to take the paternity test, so instead the potential father was served, and later determined, to be the father.

Because of this determination, on April 30, Judge Gebharbt made a ruling that in point of fact, Jamies Palmer was not the father of the soon to be 4-year-old girl, and as such, could not have “court ordered” custody, and the child, did not have a right to see the only father she knew and loved.

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fraud

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ly nnual a y t i n pater Banks e d n o i o l m B er ion of to det t a n i e c o m to Ass tered rican s e i n m i A m e: ad Sourc st are . r e t e h A t N fa ,000 D ot the 0 n 0 e 3 r r a ey Ove ned th r a e l 0,000

(someone acting in for all purposes the position of a parent) should be based on the best interest of the child and not on pure biology. This needs to be discussed

This child, like many other children before, and many to come,

and addressed in the Halls of Power before

is the silent victims of the growing problem of paternity fraud in

we have a generation of children completely

our society.

disillusioned with what a parent is.

Who is the father?

Speak on these things

Reports from DNA testing labs show that over 30% of paternity tests are now returning with negative results, meaning the moth-

The Paternity Fraud issue is growing daily.

er has no clear idea of who the father is.

There are two sides to this issue:

Missouri, along with 30 other states have passed laws to address

1.

The cases like Jamies Palmer,

the financial aspects of men, with no emotional or physical rela-

wanting to remain a part of

tionship with the child that is not their biological child, continu-

his child’s life; and

ing to be required to pay support. However, these laws do not

2.

The cases of men being required

address the emotional damage done to the children in cases like

to support children that are

that involving the child of Jamies Palmer. The question that needs

not theirs, and that they have no

to be addressed is whether those children should be punished for

connection to.

the indiscretions of the mother.

Many of our Vets are returning from active

Is it not time to open a public debate on this issue and what

duty to learn they have a “default child

needs to be done to address it so that judges are not being put

support order” on them from a woman

into a Solomon type position in deciding how best to decide on

with whom they never had relations.

these cases?

Shouldn’t our government be protecting

Consider the other side of this issue. A woman is unable to

our returning Vets from this type of fraud?

conceive, so she makes use of “In Vitro Fertilization” by having a

Write your local newspaper, or one of the

“donated egg” fertilized by her husband semen, implant so that

national papers found at the second link.

she can have a child. If later, that couple were to divorce, would

Remember:

she than not have any parental rights to the child, because she is

We cannot make our voices heard if we are

not the maternal parent?

not willing to speak up.

Access to a non-biological child by a physiological parent

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