LO O K I N G AT L I F E
Why Am I So
Lonely? Understanding the Heart of Loneliness
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Why Am I So
Lonely?
Understanding the Heart of Loneliness has life become routine for you?
You wake up, go to work, come home, watch TV, then sleep. Or, perhaps your life is not that monotonous. Maybe you’re busy travelling to new places on holiday, or snagging the latest technological gadgets on the market. Either way, I’m sure you have experienced loneliness before. Loneliness can hit us even amidst the comforts and amusements of life. One friend confided in me how it was in the middle of a large, noisy gathering of friends from school that she suddenly felt incredibly lonely. Another friend confided how although he had a job, car, house, family, and all his material wants met, he felt lonely. Loneliness is such a prevalent problem that the UK put together a commission to study it. In its report, the commission wrote: “Young or old, loneliness doesn’t 1
discriminate . . . we have heard from new parents, children, disabled people, carers, refugees and older people about their experience of loneliness.” Responding to the commission’s report, the UK appointed a Minister for Loneliness in 2018. In her press statement, Prime Minister Theresa May said, “For far too many people, loneliness is the sad reality of modern life.”
Loneliness and the Modern Life
indeed, our modern lifestyles may be making our loneliness worse. Let me suggest three reasons for this. First, it is common for people to travel frequently for work and to even uproot for a few years on overseas assignments. This transient lifestyle reduces our ties to a physical place and the community of friends it brings. Wherever you find yourself, you may be less willing and able to build long-lasting friendships, since you don’t know how long you’ll be there. Such social dislocation can make you feel like you don’t belong anywhere and nobody knows who you really are. Second, we are increasingly reliant on technological aids like smartphones, tablets, and computers. Such technology 2
Technology can be so addictive that we may even prefer our screens to the faces of others. 3
can be incredibly fun to use, but also incredibly isolating. The more time we spend on our screens, the less time we may have to spend building meaningful connections with those around us. Technology can be so addictive that we may even prefer our screens to the faces of others. I asked one friend why he spent so much time online instead of meeting up with people. He replied that he found striking up conversations and hanging out with people face-to-face time-consuming, tiring, and even disappointing at times. Are these some of the reasons why we choose to retreat behind our screens as well? What we may not realise is that despite the potential difficulties of face-to-face interactions, they are far more satisfying than online connections, which tend to be quick, one-dimensional, and possibly anonymous. Online connections are rarely satisfying, even if they are more risk-free, so it seems. Third, it may be difficult for us to admit that we are lonely, even to those closest to us. When you meet up with your friends and greet them with “Hey, how’s it going?”, “What’s up?”, or “How’ve you been?”, do you expect them to reply, “I’m lonely! So lonely! Terribly lonely!”? In today’s culture, loneliness is often 4
seen as an embarrassing weakness or the sign of a loser. There is great societal pressure to project an image of happiness, significance, and success. We would much rather prefer to look like we’ve got a great life; show off our latest gadgets and clothes; and talk about the latest restaurants we’ve discovered, or our latest travel exploits. So we use technology to project the image of plenty. We curate our snapshots to show ourselves looking beautiful or fashionably dishevelled. Either way, life is great! But, is it? Is there a wide gap between the image we project and inner reality? Being unable to openly talk about our loneliness only makes it worse. And when we see perfect images of others on social media, our sense of loneliness deepens.
The Heart of Loneliness
you may be thinking, “There’s something
wrong with me because I’m feeling lonely.” But I’d like to tell you the opposite, “Actually, there’s something right with you because you’re feeling lonely.” What do I mean? When we feel a sense of loneliness, we are actually responding according to how we have been designed. We were made with a desire for meaningful connections. We were made 5
for meaningful companionship. We were made to share our lives meaningfully. So, we are responding correctly when we feel something is missing! Did you know that loneliness was the first problem the Christian God identified in the Bible? Christians believe the Bible is God’s Word, and it says that God created the whole world, all its animals and plants, and human beings. At every stage of creation, God said, “It is good.” The very first time he said something was “not good” was when he said: “It is not good for man to be alone.” God identified loneliness as the foremost problem for humans! God cared about this problem enough to create a solution for it: he created the first family unit—he created Eve to be the wife of Adam. However, another problem occurred after that: Adam and Eve were tricked by the devil. As a result of the devil’s tempting, Adam and Eve decided to disobey God. Christians call this sin, and because sin entered the world, death and broken relationships also entered the world. Today, our world remains broken because of sin. This is a very serious problem. Think of all the things that cause strife, grief, and pain, and you will probably list out things like pride, greed, lust, envy, 6
Did you know that loneliness was the first problem the Christian God identified in the Bible? 7
gluttony, wrath, and sloth. Some call these the “seven deadly sins”. Such sins come from having a broken relationship with God. And each of these sins can lead to alienation and loneliness. You may think the solution to loneliness is quite simple: “I just need to travel less for work and spend more time making friends at home”; “All I need to do is build more face-to-face friendships instead of surfing the web”; or, “I just need to admit I’m lonely instead of feeling embarrassed about it.” While all these things may strengthen our social connections, they will not address our broken spiritual connection with God, which is the heart of the issue. Ultimately, there is a spiritual loneliness in our hearts that comes from being separated from God by our sinfulness. We need to get connected back to God.
God’s Solution to Spiritual Loneliness
thankfully, god cared enough about our problem of spiritual loneliness to create a solution for it. The Bible tells us that God offers us a way out of spiritual loneliness. It is a free gift waiting for us to receive it. If we accept this gift, we will never be spiritually lonely again. 8
Today, our world remains broken because of sin.
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What is this gift? It is the gift of reunion with God by accepting his Son, Jesus Christ, as our Lord and Saviour. Only this gift will end our spiritual loneliness; nothing else will. We cannot fix our problem of spiritual loneliness by ourselves. We need this gift from God. My friend explained it to me this way: she showed me a glass jar and gave me a challenge: “Ensure that no air ever enters this jar!” I thought about it long and hard. I could vacuum the air out and quickly cap the jar tightly. However, air would still seep in eventually. And once the cap is unscrewed, air would definitely enter the jar again. There didn’t seem to be a permanent way of ensuring air would never enter the jar. Then my friend revealed the solution. She said, “The only way to ensure no air enters the jar ever again is to fill it completely with something else, like water!” Similarly, we may be struggling with the problem of loneliness or with sins that result in loneliness. We may think, “I’ll just stop being proud! Give up greed! Repress the lust! Instead of being envious, I’ll distract myself! Resist gluttony! Forget anger! I’ll force myself to be less slothful!” 10
However, no matter how much effort we make to keep sin out of our life, it always seeps back in—just like how air will always return to the jar. But there is a solution: we need to fill our lives with the presence of God, made possible through Jesus Christ as our Lord and Saviour. Jesus “gave his life to free us from every kind of sin, to cleanse us, and to make us his very own people, totally committed to doing good deeds” (Titus 2:14). He gives us the ability to overcome the sins that may be causing our loneliness, and more importantly, he comes into our lives and fills us with his presence! With Jesus as our Lord and Saviour, we will never be spiritually lonely again.
Conclusion
accepting god’s gift brings a permanent
sense of security into our lives. Why? Because we will be fully loved and fully known. Fully loved? Yes! God not only says he loves us, but he also proved it by providing a permanent solution for our spiritual loneliness. Fully known? Yes! God created us and knows our innermost desires, thoughts, and ways. With God, we have the permanent assurance that we are never alone, because he will walk with us through the ups and downs of life. No 11
matter our struggles and imperfections, God assures us with his presence and love. One night I dreamed a dream. As I was walking along the beach with my Lord. Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, One belonging to me and one to my Lord. After the last scene of my life flashed before me, I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I noticed that at many times along the path of my life, especially at the very lowest and saddest times, there was only one set of footprints. This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it. “Lord, you said once I decided to follow you, You’d walk with me all the way. But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life, there was only one set of footprints. 12
We are never alone, because he will walk with us through the ups and downs of life. 13
I don’t understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me.” He whispered, “My precious child, I love you and will never leave you Never, ever, during your trials and testings. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you.” —Unknown
© 2019 Our Daily Bread Ministries. All rights reserved. Scripture quotation is taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.
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