What does Christian marriage look like?

What does

Christian marriage look like?

(A PERSONAL STORY)

 Looking Deeper

 Looking Deeper What does Christian marriage look like?

A PERSONAL STORY

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ussell and I have very little in common. He is sporty, I am artsy. He likes the country, I like the city. He loves meat and potatoes, I prefer stir-fry and salads. He is an outdoorsman and I am . . . something else. We have different tastes in music, movies, food, pets, jokes, activities and pretty much everything. This could be seen as something of a disadvantage considering we have agreed to spend our entire lives together . . .

Yet, so far, we have enjoyed twenty-two years of marriage!

Relationships We’re definitely not perfect, and take daily our relationship has taken (and still needs) daily investment and investment effort. But that’s not because we’re and effort. a ‘bad fit’; it’s because that’s what we’ve discovered love really is.

Not just a gooey feeling—but a commitment to serve and care for someone other than me.

We get our guidance for our marriage from the Bible and from the love and teaching of Jesus. I can’t cover everything the Bible says about marriage and love in this short booklet, but I can share a few of the key things that we’ve discovered form the core of a strong and secure Christian marriage.

[2] WHAT DOES CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE LOOK LIKE?

Put Jesus first

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he foundation of Christian marriage is really quite simple: Jesus comes first.

Marriage doesn’t change the fact that we are Christians—people who Jesus has saved and brought into the family of God forever. Our individual security, value and purpose must firstly come from our relationship with Him. I remember sitting together by the fire one evening, several months before our wedding. Russell said, “I want you to know that I will never put you first in my life.” Those aren’t exactly the words every girl dreams of hearing from the man she is about to marry! He continued, “My relationship with you will be above all others on earth. But I will always put God first. My fulfilment must come from Him. I will obey Him. And you must promise me the same. Our goal will be to please Him together.”

When I think back on these words, I remember feeling relieved! You mean his world won’t collapse if I get things wrong and make mistakes? A huge weight was lifted off me that night.

[Jesus] is before all things, and in him all things [including marriage] hold together . . . so that in everything he might have the supremacy.

—Colossians 1:17-18 (emphasis added)

PUT JESUS FIRST [3]

Through the ups and downs, I am convinced that putting Jesus first has given our marriage the best possible foundation to build on.

It means we are able to enjoy If Jesus is only each other in the right context. one ‘part’ of If Jesus is only one ‘part’ of our marriage, we will always feel our marriage, dissatisfied and like something we will always is missing. Timothy Keller puts feel dissatisfied it like this: “Until God has the proper place in my life, I will and like always be complaining that something is my spouse is not loving me well enough, not respecting missing. me enough, not supporting me enough.”1 Obviously love, respect and support are very important for a marriage, but we learn these things best from our relationship with Jesus. It is from His unshakable love that we gain the surest security to open ourselves up and become vulnerable to our partner.

As we share our individual relationships and experience of God with each other, pray together and refocus each other on God when things are hard, we’ll find we have a true spiritual companion for whatever we have to go through.

The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God, Timothy Keller (pg. 73)

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[4] WHAT DOES CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE LOOK LIKE?

Submit to one another

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ubmitting is a risky subject—one that only seems to cause divisions and confusion. It makes many young Christian women I know feel totally disgusted. But I think what they are insulted by is the ancient marital systems where men owned their wives like livestock or property. But that’s got nothing to do with what the Bible says.

The first thing we need to remember is that husbands and wives are completely equal. They are “one flesh” (Ephesians 5:31). As one Bible teacher explained: “Woman was made out of Adam’s side. She was not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be walked over, but out of his side to be equal with him.” Here’s some more from that bit in Ephesians: Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. —Ephesians 5:21-27

SUBMIT TO ONE ANOTHER [5]

A husband is not to be a tyrant: Being “the head of the wife” doesn’t mean the husband can do what he wants, when he wants, no matter what—while his wife quietly obeys. The qualification Ephesians gives us is “as Christ is the head of the church”. How has Jesus treated us? He served us, even giving up His life, “to present [us] to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless” (v.27). That’s how the husband should serve his wife, doing all he can to help her grow into the fuller expression of who God made her to be. The love of the husband should be like the love of Jesus, who came not “to be served, but to serve” (Mark 10:45).

A wife is not to live in unthinking obedience: Submitting does not mean the wife switches off her brain and just follows what her husband says. It definitely doesn’t mean she is less intelligent or less important. If her husband is committed to serving her and their family with Jesus’ love, the wife’s submission means she is simply saying: “Yes! Let me help you create a God-centred family environment where we can all grow to be more like Him.” Husbands and wives are partners on the same team with the same aim. It is vital that married couples plot their course together and prayerfully think about where and how they want their family to live and grow.

Submitting is for all Christians: It is often forgotten that this teaching on marriage is part of a section in Ephesians about submitting “to one another” (v.21). Submitting is not a ‘wife thing’; [6] WHAT DOES CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE LOOK LIKE?

it is the Christian way of life as we look to serve one another, bearing each other’s burdens (Galatians 6:2).

And ultimately, when we try to define them, are the words “submit” (for wives) and “love” (for husbands) so very different to each other? John Stott explains: “What does it mean to ‘submit’? It is to give oneself to somebody. What does it mean to ‘love’? It is to give oneself to somebody, as Christ ‘gave himself up’ for the church.”2 Submitting to and loving anyone, Submitting is including our marriage partners, takes effort and self-sacrifice. It not a ‘wife involves the pain of committing thing’; it is even when you don’t want to.

Yet it gives a clear illustration of the Christian the kind of unshakable love Jesus way of life. has for His people.

2

The Message of Ephesians, John Stott (pg. 235)

SUBMIT TO ONE ANOTHER [7]

Set realistic expectations of love

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he love between a husband and wife (Colossians 3:19; Titus 2:4) is commanded by the Bible. But that doesn’t mean it comes automatically! The fact is that marriage can be decidedly unromantic at times. The bins need emptying, dishes need to be washed, babies scream and illnesses come and go. When two imperfect people join forces, an imperfect union will be created.

There will be difficulties. One of the biggest sources of conflict for couples is unrealistic or uncommunicated expectations.

I know some wives who have been left wounded by the fact that their husbands don’t open up much about how they’re feeling. On the other hand, many men get married believing their wives will be every bit as enthusiastic as they are about the sexual aspect of their relationship—but the reality can turn out to be very different. Although these examples may come across as generalisations, the point is that men and women are very different. And each one of us is a complex maze of likes and dislikes at the very least, with varying expectations of what love really looks like to us.

[8] WHAT DOES CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE LOOK LIKE?

Before we married, Russell’s mum ironed his socks—ironed his socks! I love Russell, but I am never going to be the kind of wife who irons socks. At first he was hurt because he felt like I wasn’t showing him love. Then it dawned on him that I don’t show love that way. Similarly, my dad was a first-rate handyman. Russell’s mouth hangs open at the mention of pointless (in his eyes) devotion to DIY. But it’s easy for me to feel unloved every time I walk past the picture that’s been left leaning against the wall waiting to be hung up. We all have expectations about what love looks like, and the sooner we figure ours out and talk about them with our spouse, the better.

Otherwise we may well do loving things, but our spouse will miss them because they will be looking for displays of love we never thought of, or always felt were trivial.

In this way, love stops being vague or just a ‘feeling’—and becomes about the person we’re with.

What makes them tick? What do they appreciate?

What affects how they feel about themselves? When we know these things, we can change how we show our love to match what they’re looking for, rather than assume ‘general’ or ‘gooey-feeling’ love will do.

Learning to truly love our spouse is an excellent training ground for learning to love the other people in our lives; our children, families, co-workers, etc. After all, Jesus told His disciples that the whole world would recognise them as His followers if they actively and practically loved and served one another (John 13:35)!

SET REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS OF LOVE [9]

Respect each other Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect.

I

—1 Peter 3:7

t’s not just husbands who need to be considerate and show respect. “In the same way” refers back to what Peter had been saying to wives about living with “purity” (v.2) and a “gentle and quiet spirit” (v.4).

Both a husband and wife are to treat each other with respect in how they speak and act.

Russell and I try not to argue or put each other down in front of others. We don’t publicise each other’s faults or expose things which are private. We guard each other and stand up for each other. Here are some key ways we can try to show respect.

Genuinely listen: Some people have a great gift for listening. Others only listen until they get an idea, then they start planning their response. Often in relationships, we listen to each other’s problems and pains only so we can try to offer a solution.

But many times, we don’t need an answer; we just need somebody to take the time to listen. Listening, without trying to fix, is a very precious gift we can give each other.

Show appreciation: A little “thank you” can make a huge difference to someone who spends their time, [10] WHAT DOES CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE LOOK LIKE?

day after day, doing the same tasks. Whether it is dishes and housework, dealing with children, paying bills, going to work, filling the car, etc. It is so easy to feel unappreciated and unnoticed. Taking time to show a little gratitude to each other can make us feel like the little jobs we do are valued.

Adjust your priorities: Punctuality is important to Russell, but I cannot even pretend it matters to me. It doesn’t. Having to plan ahead clashes with my freespirited, inner hippy! This could be a major source of conflict for the rest of our lives, but that can easily be avoided if I consciously adjust my priorities. I may not care about punctuality, but I do care about Russell. As a result, I try to be on time. It shows Russell that his point of view is important to me.

Value individuality: I mentioned at the beginning that our marriage is a clash of two totally different personalities. One sure way to kill our marriage would be to deny each other the ability to express ourselves and enjoy the things we like to do. All through our years together, whenever possible, Russell has encouraged me to draw, paint and sew. Equally, I have always supported him in his outdoor pursuits or sporting activities. We never make each other feel like we have to earn such privileges. We don’t rack up points or play tit-for-tat; we simply encourage each other to do the things we love.

RESPECT EACH OTHER [11]

Deal with conflict

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urrendering our lives to Jesus means that conflict about where and how we live, financial decisions, career decisions, etc. have a new focal point. It’s no longer about what I want to do or what I feel comfortable with in this marriage. Because we are both committed to following God, when God leads us down a certain Dealing with path, we go together; even if one of us isn’t very excited about it. conflict most We’re told in James that our often means fights more often come from the “desires that battle within honestly [us]” (4:1), rather than from analysing our external circumstances. It’s the own hearts, same in our marriages. Dealing with conflict most often means motives and honestly analysing our own attitudes. hearts, motives and attitudes.

Be a team: Marriage is a team sport, not a competition. When disagreements become fights which only one of us can win, the marriage loses and we both suffer. Two people with different likes, priorities and personalities are never going to agree on everything. Conflict is inevitable. But we must never see our spouse as the enemy. We need to remember [12] WHAT DOES CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE LOOK LIKE?

that, no matter the circumstances, a husband and wife are “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24)—one team.

For me and Russell, disagreements have only ever turned into real arguments if one or both of us feel like we are not being understood or respected. As soon as that happens, we have a bigger problem than the original issue. We need to examine ourselves and figure out why we feel hurt. Are we protecting our own interests or our ego? Have we spoken out of turn? Once we have dealt with the relationship side of things, we can return to the subject and try to find some resolution together.

Realise you might be the one who’s wrong.

If we both assume that we are the ones who are potentially missing the point, we are much more generous with each other’s views. We never make each other feel stupid.

It also means we’re more ready to admit we’re in the wrong. It is hard to stay angry at somebody who willingly owns up and asks for your forgiveness, but there’s nothing more frustrating than somebody who never admits their mistakes.

Forgive quickly. Dealing with issues quickly is important. Imagine that Russell leaves his dirty dishes in the lounge. No big deal. But the second or third time he does it, it begins to irritate me. Does he think I’m his slave? Instead of talking it through with him, I go quiet. A little fire starts in my heart. The next day, I have forgotten; but I haven’t forgiven. He does it again. The fire blazes up and dies down again.

DEAL WITH CONFLICT [13]

He now begins to leave his dirty socks on the floor as well. Another log goes on the fire until one day, maybe months or years later, he leaves a pile of crumbs on the coffee table and I blow my top! Why such an overreaction? It was caused by a hundred tiny things which I never forgave.

It is important to forgive big things and small things alike, just as we have been forgiven all things

by God (Colossians 3:13; Hebrews 10:10). It is also helpful to deal with ‘perceived’ wrongs—like the dirty dishes.

Even though Russell didn’t actually mean any harm by leaving mess around the house, it felt to me like I was being taken for granted. The offence was mainly in my mind, but bitterness can grow in us even if no harm was intended.

Many married couples cite, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26) as one of the most important ways to keep a loving atmosphere at home.

However, sometimes you and your spouse may not be able to resolve an issue before bedtime. You’ll be tired and worn out, and the conversation may start to disintegrate. However the principle of “Do not let the sun go down on your anger” is all about dealing with issues, arguments and complaints as soon as possible.

Sometimes this may involve confrontation, discussion or a different approach depending on the situation.

The main thing is that problems are dealt with quickly so they are not left to fester or to grow into any longstanding bitterness.

[14] WHAT DOES CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE LOOK LIKE?

Copy the faithfulness of God

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ur youngest daughter recently decided that she really wants to get married. Only a matter of months later, she started going out with a lad she has known all her life. He’s liked her for as long as I can remember, and he has already said he wants to marry her! It’s adorable. And very scary!

I’ve no idea how things will work out. All I know is that if they do get married, they will have many ups and downs together. But it will not ultimately matter whether they have the same taste in food, music or décor. Their marriage will not fail because they don’t have the same hobbies or interests. And it’ll make no difference which of them does the cleaning or cooking. That isn’t what makes a Christian marriage strong.

The foundation The foundation of Christian marriage is Jesus Christ of Christian Himself—His love and His marriage is faithfulness. We need to Jesus Christ actively rely on the Holy Spirit to develop that love in our own Himself—His lives—and in our marriages. love and His God doesn’t love us because we continually make Him happy. faithfulness.

He loves us despite the fact

COPY THE FAITHFULNESS OF GOD [15]

that we don’t! His love is rooted in His character, not our works: “God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).

Some days we won’t feel like giving our spouse much attention; some days we’ll even feel like they don’t deserve it. But God’s love teaches us that feeling-based love is not the same as faithful love.

Love as a commitment and choice keeps going, grows stronger and deepens our relationship and romance.

Just as God’s love to us is based on His promises in Christ, so too is our marital love rooted in our promise to always choose each other over anyone or anything else; no matter what. It is a lifelong commitment that brings security, peace and deepening intimacy.

I hope these brief thoughts have been a helpful introduction. There is much more that can be said on the subject of Christian marriage! Because each of us will have our own experiences, issues and problems when it comes to the subject of marriage, the best thing to do next is talk with other married couples in your church. They may be able to give advice, share more biblical teaching and answer any questions you have.

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