In English
TEXT by Pablo Santur PHOTO CDD20 / PIXABAY
Love at a distance – overcoming long distance in a relationship How is it to love someone at a distance? What is needed to overcome such a challenging situation? Based on my experience and that of four other students, we explore the nuances and difficulties as well as the strategies to thrive in such a situation.
AND THE PRINCE AND THE PRINCESSES LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
If you have ever been in a relationship, you know how false that cliché ending is. As in life, romantic relationships are full of ups, downs, and twists. In fact, is that complexity what promotes the building of trust in a relationship. In that sense, one of the most difficult challenges for trust between two lovers is to sustain the bond while being apart. I have experienced it firsthand during my second year of studies. I met my now fiancée a couple of weeks before going to Spain. Regardless of the distance, we kept texting. Then, (neither she nor I remember when) this turned into phone and video calls. When reunited, we briefly spent some weeks together before she had to fly to Italy for her six-month Erasmus exchange. And then, until our long-awaited reunion we kept in touch by creating shared rituals, made agreements, and talked (a lot). Like me, many other students have dealt with similar situations. In some cases, even with longer distances and times to cover. Trying to understand this experience more deeply, I gathered a group of friends to talk about it. Coming from three different continents, it was interesting to notice some common features, as well as important differences. Because of the sensitivity of the topic, two of them preferred to remain anonymous, so I changed their names and added an asterisk next to them.
Becoming aware of the absences Being away from your loved one implies to be deprived of many simple but important gestures. Since in my relationship we could not spend a lot of time together at the beginning, when apart we had no memories to connect. So, there were countless moments when looking at each other’s video was not enough. Despite the loving words and expressions, we both were wishing those caresses and kisses expressing our deepest emotions. Because of distance we had to rely on words to express our feelings. And that was quite difficult. Although Maria was in a relationship for many years before stepping into a long-distance relation, it was also difficult for her to get used to the new situation. “At the beginning I felt miserable. The physical contact is the most challenging part that I could not overcome. Being away I did not get to see my person day after day, I did not get to wake up next to him and a hug is not a given anymore.” Knowing how important a master degree was for her, Maria’s boyfriend fully supported her. “We always discussed the sacrifices we had to make for this to happen. Thus, it was just a tad easier to continue working hard for my goal.” With time, the impact of initial caresses and kisses decreases. However, at distance the absence of such details opens our eyes to their relevance. They give us certainty of being cared for, loved, and respected. Sometimes when facing difficulties, these details can help us to regain balance and keep going forward. In
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their absence, difficult times become more challenging. This is what happened to Roman. “When things in the relationship didn’t go well, I thought that taking this step would mean breaking up. There was even a time when we were both considering this.” The fact that Roman and his girlfriend were away from each other before he came to Oulu turned out to be an important asset, when it was his turn to leave the Netherlands. “My girlfriend did a half year exchange in Canada. It was difficult talking about her daily life because I only had a fantasy and vague description to picture her life. Insecurities and jealousy can take over you when dealing with many unknowns.” With that previous experience, they decided to come together to Oulu when Roman moved here. Like this, she was able to have a clear picture of his friends and environment. Also, they created another memory that proved to be useful for the difficult times ahead. “When we are not happy, I also imagine myself with someone else, someone who is close by. Then I can quickly remind myself of our beautiful love story and never act upon these feelings, but they do come around sometimes.”
Jealousy & certainty A big surprise for me while being away from my love was to realize how our relationship became a dichotomy: together and away. When being together, my day flowed between different activities in which my girlfriend participated in one or more. On the other hand, when separated she was no longer present in my regular activities. Instead, every day I lived a sequence of activities that suddenly stopped when I read her texts or listened to her voice. Although these surprises were nice, they were also an evidence of her absence. As Roman mentioned before, ignoring the details of the other person’s life gives space for treacherous jealousy to arise. Even if you never ask or comment to your partner about it, the thoughts are still there. And if you don’t control them, they eat you. In that sense, both me and the students interviewed agreed that a main concern when being at a distance was having constant communication with our partners. Both Maria and Roman talked daily with their partners. This was also the case of Sahan*, who talked with his girlfriend in Sri Lanka even twice or more times per day. Unlike the other cases, Nguyen* only talked to his girlfriend twice or three times per week. Besides the different time zones, it was also difficult for him to talk to her because she was doing a lot of paperwork to apply for a master degree in Canada. “We decided to preserve our space. So, we agreed on specific days and times to talk. That was our moment”.
