Letter from the Editors
OneRepublic
Wake
Hilary Duff • Most Wa nte d
My Life Would Suck Without You
Kelly C larkson All I Ever Wanted
the introvert
i like being alone.
i'm an introvert, and i'm proud.
i mean, i like people, don't get me wrong.
LU i like walking with groups, talking with people, walking in groups, talking through people, LU but i like spending my time on my own, sitting idly by on my own terms, on my own time.
i like going to the coffee shop that sits patiently on the corner of my town and ordering the new drink that smells of roses and earth and my friends think it's gross, but i enjoy being odd and tasting the flowers and the dirt of my planet, while quietly reading the enlightened poems of a long lost soul who dreamt for a better world.
i like walking in the brick alley behind that little cafe, silent and alone, hearing my footsteps calmly tapping on cracked pavement, during the dreary briskness of an ohioan winter, when my cheeks turn red and my nose gets sniffly but i don't mind.
i like walking down residential streets with houses older than the strongest woman i know, an old woman who found the strength within her voice when i was still listening for mine, listening to the sound of homemade windchimes that a parent made with their child, so that when they are cold and lost, a wintery wind brings about a music that says "you're home!" and welcomes them with open arms.
i'm an introvert, and i'm proud.
i like walking to the nearby park on those happy days of summer, where the world is green and blue and vibrant, with nothing but the thoughts i've been saving until now to reflect upon and my hands thrust deep into the pockets ofmy shorts, because it's hard to appreciate life with all of the talking and the presence of everyone you are required to bring with you by the invisible law of"goodness" that someone, somewhere, decided to make,
because no matter how much self-defense training you begrudgingly took (which, if i may remind, th is "law" required you take),
you are incapable of wa lking alone in a world like this.
i like climbing over dead trees and minefie lds of poison ivy at the nearby forest to sit at my favorite spot by the creek where the dirt has eroded away around the roots of an old oak tomake a little bench, and you can watch tadpoles swim around with that humorously obscene shape of theirs, to just listen to the sounds of the natural world doing its natural thing, and wishing that you didn't get so anxious every time a squirrel snaps a twig behind you, because you're afraid it's that monster of a human being that they warned you about, lusting for the blood of a little girl like you, that would most definitely attack if you weren't careful.
i like walking through city streets. •
i like walking at night, unafraid.
i like sitting on park benches without having to worry about anything but sitting.
i like grocery shopping without a friend who is only there to make me feel as incapable as the world ' s unspoken rules say i am.
i like studying at the library in my own silence without needing to put my books down next to me to keep certain people from sitting down.
i like being able to go outside without begging my mom for a can of pepper spray first.
i like functioning in this world as a normal human being.
i like being alone.
i like people, but it gets old
In a Name
I want to hear it
Hear those syllables fall from your painted lips
As gracefully as any other note
I want it to be smooth and clear
Like a glass table revealing your Sock-covered feet because we never turn On the heat in the winter
And when it gets too cold I want you
To come in my room say it naturally
Alongside the blanket you have brought in
I don't want to feel too big anymore
A burden to you when I am just
Trying to be in a space I feel alien
In a coat that is two sizes too small for me
But 1 will wear it for you until I can no longer
Breathe as deeply as my lungs want to
I will shrug off this weight and look at you
As close as I can manage into your eyes because all I really Want is to hear you say my name
What Lhe Teacher Wants
To cry. To be frustrated. To be honest To not be taken for heroic. To not be misread. To be vulnerable. To fuck up sometimes. To be given the space to fuck up someLimcs. To be held to a human standard. To admit personal limitation. To not be reduced to personal limitation. To tell stories that do not uplift. To lock eyes with a student who understands suffering. To lock eyes with a student who is not afraid of complexity. To be acknowledged when you exhaust yourself in Lhe trying To he acknowledged when you are clearly underwater. To know when you say the thing that winds up freeing someone. To inhabit a space that is not always parental. To admit that you were not yourself parented. To admit that you are not always an ideal parent in your lived life. To avoid idealization altogether. To be revea led, slowly and over time. To have the right to say no to some revelations. To desire or not to desire. To have the right to feel pain, to feel ill, to feel like it is hard to Lhink sometimes. To have the right to be distracted by who and what you are outside of the classroom. To be understood, now and then. by a very few, who see past and through your most public role. To be forgiven
SURVIVAL SKILLS
eminism is so important. And necessary. And wanted. I need it because my mother, no matt e r how many times I explain, does not understand that g ender roles can be broken. That a person does not fit neatly into a clean-cut package and that we are meant to have passions and whims that are scattered . I need it because I do not want to feel the stares I receive in foreign countries when I wear shorts in a place where women arc not expected to wear anything " revealing ". I need it because I am tired of slut shaming - who the fuck CARES if she slept with. many people? l want feminism because I am tired of the double standard of men being a "stud " for the amount of people they've slept with, while the more people a woman sleeps with, the more "untrustworthy" and "slutty" she is. I need feminism because I'm tired of women being expected to move aside for men to have more room on public transit and to make ourselves as small as possible to not take up space. I need it for all the girls who get asked "what were you wearing? " when reporting rape instead of being told "this is what we ' re going to do to help". I need feminism for all the women who get laughed at when they aspire to become somethmg that is looked at as a " man's job" (i.e. CEO or president, etc). I need feminism because men receive better wages even if there is a female employee who puts in twice as much work and I need itbecause men believe that to make women bod y positive. they simply need to say, " well men Ii girls with more curves ", as if their input will change everything . I need feminism to change the that so many women feel when walking home alone - that they will get raped , beaten, attacked. 1 need it becau se men are gi v en the excuse " boys will be boys" when they do something completely inappropriate This teaches them that it is okay to harass and treat women as sexual objects rather than people. I need it for the schools who make it against dress-code to wear a tank top, because it is d eemed " inappropriate" and " distracting", as if men are unable to control themselves so women must be taught not to " lure " them. Most importantly , I need eminism for all those who do not understand the· of these matters. For those y d old we sh u d all e
Love Note to Lake Chickamauga
All I want is to be near the water. Deep in my heart, I'm still a child w ith a lake in my backyard The water is still home. Whenever the noise, the fear, the pain of being alive, became too much, I retreated to the quiet of the water. I long for the quiet of the water.
I would dangle my feet over the seawall and let the slow rhythm of the waves rise and fall over my ankles , the wind thick with the scent of fish and algae and all the lake-things I would look out over the surface and imagine the hidden worlds below, wondering what it was like to be a fish breathing water, riding the currents, living in the comfort of watery silence I longed for silence
I would count down to dusk each day, waiting to see the blue water ' s surface transformed into a fiery canvas of orange and red and pink and purple as the sun slipped lazily below the horizon, gently giving way to a sky-world of twinkling stars I always found the North Star before going back inside to a life of not-there-anymore . I always knew the direction I was facing I always knew my place. I long to know my place
The water is all I want. The water is my comfort The water will always be home--the place where I know I belong I long to know I belong
i do not WANT unless i SAY SO
i WANT RESPECT
but i should not have to ASK for something so simple to ndersta
i do not want RAPE
OBJECTIFICATION
ABUSE but i should not have to ASK for something so simple to understand •• so WHY must i?
Fuck me Five ways to February
A cacophony of exploitation
Another wrenching sting of vile poison on
An already infected wound of my heart
A call of backlash and cries
Agony chocking my passages of heart beats
Accusations of lust and primal fears
Accounting a list of every bruise and every lip stick stain
Accompanymg your name · '
Around the pillow my
Amber hair lays
Ambivalent and
Automated
Another vibration on my phone from you
Abject, I throw the bee hive of pain into the mirror
Abrasive shards of pristine glass crystal
Adorning my maroon knit throw
Adorations of poisonous stars casting a crystal haze over my room
Aesthetic pain, bearing willowed tears of acid rain on my eyes
Ameliorating the only feeling I have left for you
Aggravated
II
Ricochet of hatred carving out the
Ravine for the stream of my tears
Remembering every letter and note you would address to me
Resembling an avalanche of broken promises
Rattled steel bridges derived of dreams, deprived of loyalty
Rapport of our handshakes a dismal excuse for a wrangle
Raping my eyes with the dead locks of you disconcerted stare
Rank, the stench of the court room
Riveted, your mistress eyes me down from the corner
Rouge on her lips, the same stain your neck
Ravaging I grip the hem of my fish tale skirt
Rancor
Ill
Renounced and free to feel
Ring melted into a dagger, lodged in my lungs
Recoiling from the door at each knock, knowing a single slip won't stop you
Restraining order, You still
Resist the cursed law which keeps you tied to a stake
Refuting what you did was wrong, 1
Recall each sleepless night because the
Raging pain kept me awake, second hand insomnia
Refurbishing my house, filling the places you had once commanded
Regimens of my world collecting in a rain jar
Remaining parts as I search for myself, a whole
Rejuvenated
VI
Open windows and hollow eyes,
Oasis of free will in the dessert of my last lover's grasp
Obligation lost to the winds of mid-June
Oblique waves of time for me to transgress from sun haze to moon dance
Oblivious to the daisies on my toes and blueberries on my tongue, all too sweet
Obstreperous you hung to the trees and followed, perched
Obtaining me again as a fairy in a lantern
Odium as I saw you at my door, half-price half-dead flowers in your ring less hand
Obscured reasons for you, to whisk away to my steps
Only left am I, standing by my wrought iron garden gate
Obfuscated
V
Never again will I allow your passage into my Holy temple of joy
Naive are you, thinking I would open my door
Nerving to come so close to breathe by my grasses
Now surely, they will die, as you strut your walking death upon my yard
Narcissist of the blackness, you follow me, demanding my heart and hand back
Naught because of love but because you are lonely
Nauseous, I trip and trample through my own garden patch
Nebulous you were, dropping the roses and crushing them under toe
Nearing me with the strides of mountain giants
Nefarious you, to seek me out, even when you are held by a bolted collar of law
Neglecting all you have shunned me through
Negotiating a
New life to be made with me
Nihilist. I scream, pruning my anger out through the groan of my yellow door
Nominal the actions used to dial the law
Nestled in my garage I weep into my dirtied shawl
Nexus each step has been, and yet it's another circle
Numb
__;I did a take on the theme wanted with a collage on body positivity. The idea is that I wanted my friends to submit pictures to me encouraging their own body positivity and self-confidence. I wanted to create a collage where everyone feels comfortable in their own skin. I wanted to encourage my friends to remind themselves that it doesn't matter what they look like all that matters is that they are happy with themselves. This is just a version of what I have created.
Dear Kate,
I want the opportunity to share my interests with my friends and fan1ily without fear of being judged or rejected. I want to be free of that self- consciousness, free from wondering what others will think of me before I do or say too much of anything. I want to share what I enjoy and for it to be accepted, even ifit is not understood. I want to be unapolog¢c of what I like, instead of secretive, vague, or even embarrassed. But I have a hard time when it comes to sharing things about myself, and I want to stop being so envious when others do it without a second thought. I want to stop being afraid of myself when others are watching. I wish I could relax like I do when I'm in my own company. This over - awareness of myself is both a comfort at times and a curse at others. I want to speak up, say "This is important to me! It makes me happy!" But when I do succeed in letting others know, I can't help but be as discrete as possible about it. Sometimes I worry that subtle delivery lacks the desired point in the first place. Making things you enjoy seem like they aren't a big deal is tmly detrimental to one's character, ever confirming that something is wrong with you when it really isn't. As if what you like shouldn't hold value to others, shouldn't matter to them, or is entirely worthless in its own right That's heartbreaking. And when you do muster up the courage to go beyond that shell, you worry about oversharing, because you've been keeping it down for so long and all of it is surely going to come crashjng out of you once you're given one little opportunity. You know that keeping your mouth shut must have started somewhere, maybe it kept you out of danger, or the shame of speaking further was too strong, but you were belittled. Ridiculed. You were given reason to second-guess yourself, made to think that sharing your happiness was a mistake. That the happiness itself was a mistake. Something that mattered to you was discarded in the eyes of strangers, or in the eyes of someone close to you. Maybe it happened many times, over and over again. But you got sick of it. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of worrying all the time of what others think of me. I want to be so sick of it that I don't care anymore. Putting others before yourself just to save face sometimes isn't worth it.
Thanks for listening, Kate.
What I want is to be free
Free from stigma Judgement • Assumptions •
Free from people • But the expectations of myself • Pressure Burdens
Free from the embarrassment of failure Disappointment Shame
I want to be unapologetically myself But sometimes I don't know who that is Because I'm too busy making sure That I fit into everyone's idea Of who I am What I should be
When all I want is to be free
MASK
Dear Kate,
I'd love a chance to be someone else for a day. To step out ofmy comfort zone or step out of my shell. I'd love to be confident and ready to take on the world . I'd love to be able to be social without fear. I'd love to be able to go to a party or out with some friends without being fi]]ed of worry. I would love to be able to do something risky like walking on a tightrope or skydiving. I'd love to have the confidence to be able to be the real me around the people I love. I hope that someday I'll build all of this up. So far when I try, I retreat. I want to not retreat. I want to walk forward, proud and unabashedly me . Perhaps this w ill happen. Perhaps it will not.
If I were someone else for a day, I would shout to the rooftops. I would be an extrovert. I would dance and try on cute clothes and mess around in public places. I would have the chance to be new and reformed. I could use what I learn on the day after. I could learn to be social and strong and life would be easier. I would be less lonely. 1want to be less lonely. I want a change in how I live my life. I want to try and live something new.
Thanks Kate .
II wasn't sure if I wanted to write this out. I wasn't sure ifl wanted to expose myself in this way. lfl want to succeed in my dream I must take the time to defeat my fear of being exposed.
What I want is a life worth living. A life that doesn't require me to survive but to thrive. A life not controlled by fear.
I expect a life that will make me work for every inch and accept the stepping stones that happen
across my way. After all my work and effort, I want to feel like I had a fulfilling life.
I want to get up have a long warm shower get dressed and cook myself and my family a nice
breakfast of biscuits with gravy and bacon with eggs.
I want my children to look up to me as a caring father who taught them how to be amazing. I want my wife to have the work ethic of a war medic.
I want to own a farm that can supply all our needs with a loving guard dog that is 200 pounds of muscle and 100 pounds of fluff.
I want to create things that change the world for the better. I want people to be judged by what they can do and what they want not who they know.
I want to look back on writing this and think "I made it".
When I die I want my ashes to be mixed into molten stone and engraved with the truthful of message "Here is what remains of one who started a revolution in the hearts of the broken to fix the souls of the damned." and made into a cornerstone ofa school dedicated to teaching everyone who attends how to live a life worth living.
I want a lot of things but in the end, I want myself and everyone that I effect to be happy.
)Promiscuity
Desire, Paranoia,
I felt your warm touch activate memories on the back ofmy neck, Back in time to days I felt safer, [ felt alone regardless of how close they may be, You ease tension in my body, The brain follows eventually,
l think it would be too simple to just write that I want you, Because truthfully, "You" to me is fragments of someone else, And every girl that l sink into, Every heart that I rupture, Adds to my perpetual yearning,
My love is always interrupted, I could be walking in a foreign place, Faces who know nothing,
Still I'd feel a sense of shame, Like they can see it coming,
Ifl'm not good enough due to how badly I've done others, If I wear the scars of victims as easily as l hide my own, How do I reconcile between the past and the future? None of it matters,
In the context of carnal stupor,
Likely that no thoughts are involved, In between thighs and sheets, I saw love in your eyes, And continued to exploit weakness,
I don't even care about the destination, Every time I'm left speechless, Every time I wonder, Why 1 let myself do this, Succwnb to passion and lust, Seal my fate , While I'm clueless, And read your face through the movements , The eye contact makes me nervous, Floating by strangers on the daily, Thinking of how they ' ve been hurting, Dreaming of you so mercilessly,
I beg God to give me a chance, Tender contact within my fantasy, I know well enough this dance,
Enough times that I've fucked myself over, You think I don't wish for a change?
When incoherent thoughts, Lead me nowhere but astray, I'll store your name in my memory, Associated with those times, The past is dead inside me, Despite your ghost claiming life, Tears won't solidify any victory, 1 know that the story isn't close to the end, I wanted something from you, But left with incomplete amends.
Why is there a need to define one's sexuality? someone ? How can you define love, when it encompasses such a large spectrum? Why are people so hard to please, and why do we worry about pleasing others besides ourselves in the first place? Does this desire to please ourselves make us feel like we are selfish, so then we feel we need to change to better ourselves? Is this idea natured or nurtured? When I'm the one that is in the right (someone who isn't mistreating another individual for some superficial reason such as gender) , why should I double my efforts to change you? Why is it my job to make you better? Why can ' t YOU be strong enough or smart enough to do this on your own? Why do we fear? How can we better handle fear? How do we as a society get better - get rid of the fear of change, of equality, of justice, of opening up and accepting others, of bettering ourselves by treating others fairly ?
I want to be a real woman without worr
Without waking up hours e 1· ymg about the hair that grows naturall ar 1er to mak Y
Curl my hair e myself unnatural
Put on makeup
Show some s ki n, but not too .
I want to b much ea real worn . an without th e unreali
Always Iook presentable st1c expectaf10ns to uphold
Always look lik 1 ea lady
Always be po ..
I want to be a real woman
Because I am a real woman. sitive
What I want to say is, "I love you"
But 1 cannot bring myself to say those Three Little Words
I have been burnt in the past, you know
I have been placed, tenderly, in a pot of water
And I sat there, complacent
While they turned up the temperature
The temperature that rose so Slowly
That I did not notice my own
Spirit
Boiling into gas all around me
Disintegrating into the nothingness that prevents me from sleeping at night
I told that chef that I loved them, . . .
Which is how I ended up in that pot.
They wanted to cook me into a stew,
Boil me to my breaking point
And devoir my individuality
Show it off to your friends as if you just won a prize
For cooking it to your liking.
But you - you want me to cook with you
And I am still scared of the kitchen.
You have the cold water running already
To assure me that you will be there to heal me
When I end up too close to the flames.
But I am sruck in the doorway
•
Smelling the seductive scents of your spices
The oregano reminds me of home
The garlic is exciting to the taste
TI1e parsley is the green leaves of your open arms
And yet I cannot join you in the kitchen.
I don't know why I cannot join you in the kitchen.
• The kitchen is a wonderful place to be .
•
• I have always enjoyed cooking!
What I want to say is, "I love you."
But instead I ask, "What's for dinner?"
XXX Denial
The wretch of lies on your teeth
The disparity of life's ugly truth
Is your despairing baptism
You are the reason I am gone
The sinking truths coat my walls
A lynching slave hole
When to escape
The foul glare of distaste in your eyes
Your fondness of everything, gets in the way
But once again found
I would have to cut off my own limbs
To make a ladder
I could not ascend to the light
Ofmy passing ignorance
I was the reason you are gone
You only look up for the light
Maybe if you only paused and looked down
You would see the glass holding you
And you could break it
But you would fall
You would not descend to the darkness
Of your coming glory
It was all a ruse
And I had to lie to them
And say you were quiet
And I had to lie to you
To say that I had gone And here
You
We remain No matter how many bridges I climb
Ice baths I take
Cold barrels I caress with my nape
I can't help but remember
No matter how many layers of armor your wear people you adore and cling to
Or whispering glints of pure truth I give you
We always remain
This is the only thing
Insan ity is my best friend
You can uphold and remember They all deny it
Insanity will be there until the very end
WANTED: TO BE
1) To pass my defense
2) pasta sauce
3) To graduate
4) grapes
ALIVE
5) To forget what his hands feel like
6) apples
7) To get avocados to make guacamole
8) spinach mix (not organic)
9) To listen to Stevie Nicks in the shower
10) chocolate milk
11) To l ove myself
12) fish sticks
13) To l ove you
14) cream cheese
15) To forget
16) dumplin' mix
17) To forget
18) chicken
19) To Remember
To smile on my own terms
To not be told that I should smile more. To not have someone else point out that they think I am not smiling enough.
I do not need a smile on my face at all times. I do not have to stand there and try to look pretty. I do not need to look happy for anyone unless I am happy.
I want To be myself.
I do not need to put on a show.
Why must I paint on this smile? Why must I self-consciously go about my day after your comment? Why must you police what I do?
I do not need to put on a show. To be myself Is all I really want.
I want to wear a smile when I choose to. I am not to be objectified. I am not a doll.
I will smile on my own terms. I do not need to smile more. I smile just enough.
Drunk Girl
The pounding of the music, of the footsteps on the dance floor, oftbe pounding in too much to drink, to smoke, and too little to care about Stumbling outside - pale skin, yet cheeks flushed with coo
Dancing, so much dancing. Grinding in slow mo 10n. Women. Drink, and forget.
e looks like a street-walker, as she heads backtothe apartrtment. 1e men, they look. They can't attempt to tea o er beauty, her body, her sexuality, her vulnerability How easy would she be to take?
No memories. No consent . No need for it. No problem. Yet she walks by.
None of them have her, because none of them can. The drunk girl doesn't worry about anything: Being used, being hurt, being raped, being an object, being a women. She doesn't have to.
Women are people
Feminism is not dead We deservw better
My beautiful I memories in Oll er beinUni versity
Whoops
Travels: Cmising Beckley, WV same with someone who showsme what real love is._i want the kind T dream of sharing the interactions m each other's eyes and whose
of Jove that you see m me movies when they to eep in any an d all en bllss m s1le , ayful and silly,
conversations. I want a real connection where you never want to leave each other's side. I want (ti the kind of love that you feel when you 're listening to a love song and a feeling of being overwhelmed comes over you because that verse just strikes a deep nerve. I want the kind of love that's so sure that you are never worried of betrayal. I need a connection. I need trust. ·
