The Osweonion by The Oswegonian April 1, 2015

DISCLAIMER

Content featured in The Osweonion is purely fictional; all quotations and details attributed as fact are fabrications and parodies of reality. Any similarity to real persons is merely coincidental.

April 1 Edition 2015

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THE JOLLY STUDENT RAG OF OSWEGO STATE UNIVERSITY • www.osweonion.com

VOLUME MMO ISSUE GWII

County bans white T-shirts She just went to buy a nice undershirt—you'll be outraged by what happened next!!!!!!!!!

Student shot for excessive wall covering in dorm

Ronel Puello Hawaiian Shirt Editor eyyyyyhowsitgoin@osweonion.com

Amanda Bintz The HR Department HRdept@osweonion.com

Tragedy has again violently fondled the campus of Oswego State as its student body mourns the untimely death of transfer sophomore Anthony “Big Toni” Bologna.

Bologna, a sausage and peppers major from Lawrence, New York was fatally shot while attempting to evade an elite University Police SWAT unit after it was discovered that Bologna had more than 10 percent of his Seneca dormitory wall covered.

Remembered for his ability to hold his breath for four minutes straight and his propensity to eat three Tomcat wonzones in one sitting, Bologna’s presence will be one that lingers and has had lasting effects on those that knew him.

“I always knew Tone, I was the only one who called him that, was gonna go places,” said Elron Hoyabembe, a theater major from Olean, New York and the late Mr. Bologna’s roommate. “I was just shocked when I got the call because I never thought he’d go to the morgue, at least without me. We liked to watch those CSI shows,” Hoyabembe continuned tearfully.

Oswego’s city council voted last Monday to ban the sale of all white Tshirts after March 31 to deter students from participating in the annual May bar crawl Bridge Street Run. The city and the school’s administration have been hellbent on ending Bridge Street Run, which is held on the last day of classes at Oswego State, after unrelated incidents marred the event’s image last year. The administration urged the student activity planning committee to organize an alternative event, but that isn't stopping students from participating in BSR. City council’s original vote to ban the event altogether last year was vetoed, so they decided to get a little craftier.

“White shirts are definitely crucial to the event’s success,” said senior council member Beverly Rinkle.

“What else would they slop their booze all over and draw genitalia on? Their skin? Well, actually, I suppose they would. Jeez, college students these days are just little savages, aren’t they?”

Traditionally, Bridge Street Run attendees wear white T-shirts and carry Sharpie markers with which to sign one another ’s shirts throughout the day.

See 12 PERCENT, page �

Canada declares war on U.S. due to hockey players

See BAN, page �

Seeamoose Leman | The Osweonion

Double-decker buses to transport students London style We don't really know either, but like it's cool ya know? We can pretend we're in 1D #We<3Zayn

JoAnn DeLauter Sunshine Editor sunglasses@osweonion.com

CONTENT

With growing complaints about overcrowded buses from Oswego State students, Auxiliary Services announced Monday the addition of a double-decker Centro bus for the next academic year, which include on and off-campus tours of Oswego.

“We appreciate student feedback,”

Geese Illuminati Pt. 2.......C2 Pizza..................................C7 RIP Lil' Sebastian..............C6 DA TRUTH (AGAIN)............A2 Mike Hunt Feature............C1 Sliding into your DMs.......A1 Is Anyone Still Reading?...B5 Wow, You Are Thorough....B1 Come Edit For Us!.............C6

The Osweonion is distributed every April 1st, but this year Friday came first, so deal with it.

said Vice Executive Director of Auxiliary Services Steven J. Hattery. “The more and more we heard of the transportation conditions from students this semester, the more and more we knew we needed to make a change.”

After discussing next year ’s bus contract with Centro, Auxiliary Services decided to put part of the $45 transportation fee into getting double-decker buses. Hattery said they wanted to provide students with more available space when traveling to and from class.

Centro has agreed to provide five new double-deckers with a maximum capacity of 120 people. The transportation fee did not cover the use of all five buses but Auxiliary Services is working closely with the Admissions office and the art department to offer

See DOPE BUSES, page �

Matthew Moran (Blank Space) shakeitoff@osweonion.com

In a stunning press conference earlier this week, Canada has declared war on the United States of America.

The Canadian prime minister announced in front of the world that the U.S. has been stealing their prized possessions from their country for far too long.

“They have disrespected us for the last time,” the prime minister said.

“We will no longer let those yanks take what is rightfully ours.”

The prime minister is speaking on behald of our young ice hockey players, particularly the ones that are reWe Tried Our Best | The Osweonion Our rendition of what the double decker Centro buses will look like. Don't they look so awesome?

See OH CANADA, page �

Opinion

Laker Review

Osweonion.com

HORSIN' AROUND

FACT OR FICTION?

TOO 'CORNY

#OZUNICORNS

B3

B5

Sports

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PAGE dos

THE OSWEONION TUESDAY, April 1, 2015

THE OSWEONION Oswego State football team to return

Snapchat King Seamus Lyman The HR Department | Amanda Bintz Superstar Editor | Luke Parsnow Grape Soda Thief | David Armelino Room for Jesus | Andrew Pugliese Hawaiian Shirt Editor | Ron Puello Not the Mermaid | Arielle Schunk Annoyed by Spurtz | Lily Choi AP Queen | Cassidy Carroll Real Estate Agent | Peter J. Hanley Fact √ | Stephanie Mirambeaux Unpaid Editor | Morgan Tanner Sunshine Editor | JoAnn DeLauter (Blank Space) | Matthew Moran Not Related to Travis | Heather Clark iEditor | Carson Metcalf New Guy Editor | Zachary Rowe Father Time | Taylor Clock Dope Mug Editor | Riley Ackley Wolf of Bridge Street | Dianora DeMarco The Actual Boss | Aaron Millard The Best Ever | Selena Ferguson Come on Folks | Arvind Diddi

139A Campus Center SUNY Oswego Oswego, NY 13126

ADVERTISING After 40-year drought, Lakers to field team in new SUNYAC conference

advertising@osweonion.com casper@osweonion.com Direct: 585.867.5309 Classifieds: 315.312.3601 NO ADS, OK?

CIRCULATION

3,500,000,000 copies across the Oswego State campus and the City of Oswego once a year

CORRECTIONS Call 315.312.3600 to discuss a correction on any story. LOL.

Office Phone: 315.312.3600 Office Fax: 315.312.3542 info@oswegonian.com

W W W. O S W E O N I O N . C O M

David Armelino | The Osweonion The athletic field where the new Oswego State Lakers football team will play in the fall. No one thinks they will be any good, but it's a good reason to tailgate.

RA loses friends after writing them up; Rezzie Housing launches campaign to combat dull image

Stephanie Mirambeaux Fact √ accurate@osweonion.com Rezzie Housing at Oswego State has started a campus-wide campaign to promote the perks of being a resident assistant after one student’s protests caused others to withdraw their applications.

Nagatha Christie, a senior at Oswego State, wants every student to know that while working for Rezzie has its perks, it’s a dangerous territory to wander into.

“I lost all of my friends because I had to keep documenting them,” Christie said. “They won’t even look at me anymore.”

Christie was very popular when she came to Oswego State and became an RA in Waterbury Hall as soon as it was possible. Now, as a senior, she eats all of her meals in the bathrooms out of fear of running into her former friends in the dining halls.

“I might as well be called Cady Heron,” Christie said.

The situation has gotten so out of hand that Christie’s former friends have recruited their hometown friends to antagonize her.

DISCLAIMER

At the end of the 2014 - 2015 school year, there will be 95 open spots throughout campus.

In one day, Rezzie Housing lost 100 applicants.

“It was absolutely wild,” said Armando James, assistant president of Rezzie Housing. “This has never happened. Usually we have to weed out the applicants. This year, we had to beg people to apply.”

Amanda Frank, a junior and Tupperware design major, was going to apply. She had her references and short answers typed but, in the end, decided not to apply.

“Did you even hear about that one girl who lost all of her friends?”

Frank said. “I wasn’t going to let that happen to me.”

The headmaster of Rezzie Housing sent a campus-wide email urging students to apply.

“Think about the benefits – the room and board, the bonds you create with your residents and the accomplishments,” the headmaster said.

Christie was furious that Rezzie Life tried to downplay her misfortune.

“Rezzie Life doesn’t know what it’s like to have to celebrate your birthday alone,” Christie said. “I walked around and asked people to quiet down because it was past 10 p.m.

So, technically, I wasn’t completely alone, but still, that’s pathetic.”

Rezzie Life will give $500 Wal-Mart gift cards to those who submit their RA applications to Culkin Hall by March 30.

“There’s not enough money in the world that should convince you to apply to be an RA,” Christie said. “Sure, you might luck out and get great residents but that won’t mean anything when all your friends are gone.”

Andrew Pugliese Room for Jesus keepitPG@osweonion.com Oswego State will return to the gridiron for the 2015 season after a 40-year absence.

The Lakers’ schedule will feature a rivalry game with SUNY Plattsburgh known as “Plattswego,” in order to create an event for the students in place of the Bridge Street Run. Up until the football program disbanded following the 1975 season, the Lakers and Cardinals, who disbanded their program after the 1977 season, had a heated rivalry, much like the one between the schools’ hockey programs. Seeing the success of the infamous “Cortaca” weekend when SUNY Cortland takes on Ithaca College, Oswego State believes a similar event could offer its students their own fun weekend.

“Bridge Street Run has clearly become a risky affair for our students to take part in,” the Oswego State president said. “The spring concert appears to not be gaining much interest with the majority of our student body. So, the next option is a homecoming game like Cortland and Ithaca have each year. It is a safer option for all involved.”

The college is incorporating homecoming weekend festivities into the fall’s annual Alumni Weekend. The Laker and Cardinal football programs will faceoff on the newly completed turf athletic field across Route 104 from campus on Friday night. The game will be followed on Saturday evening by the annual “White Out” hockey game between Oswego State and SUNY Plattsburgh at the Marano Campus Center Arena.

The Lakers will play all of their home

Provided by THE Oswego State

games on the new athletic field originally constructed for sports such as soccer, lacrosse and field hockey. The college has also hired the local high school staff to be its interim staff, while a further, thorough search is completed for the 2016 season.

“We are excited for this opportunity to coach at the collegiate level,” said Schmidty Testeverde, Oswego State interim head coach. “Our high school program has not enjoyed much success in a long time, but we’re hoping to have better luck with collegiate athletes.”

While the college is excited for the chance to bring a new event to campus for years to come, members of the local community are concerned about the problems that could come along with this event. The extracurriculars of “Cortaca” are well-documented and local residents, like Ontario Franklin of Sheldon Avenue, fear similar incidents in Oswego.

“I’ve seen all those videos,” Franklin said. “Cortaca makes national news. It gets crazy and extremely out of hand. This will

be worse than Bridge Street Run. I fear to let my children be outside on those evenings, let alone let them attend the games even though we live so close to the fields.”

The football team will compete in the newly formed SUNYAC conference since the SUNY system has enough programs now. The league will include SUNY Plattsburgh, Oswego State, Buffalo State, Morrisville State, the College at Brockport, SUNY Cortland, Alfred State, SUNY Hudson Valley Community College and SUNY Maritime.

The new coaching staff will reach out to the club rugby program for players, but will also hold an open tryout for players starting in early August.

“I’m really excited for the opportunity to play football for my school. I love the NFL and how much our country adores football players. I want to be one of those players,” said Speed McGee, a member of the club rugby team. “We are a very talented rugby squad and look forward to winning some football games for our school.”

Content featured in The Osweonion is purely fictional; all quotations and details attributed as fact are fabrications and parodies of reality. Any similarity to real persons is merely coincidental.

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Abundant geese population to be served as lunch

Double-decker The Crossroads to slaughter majestic creatures from the north in order to feed students daily buses take on Oz DOPE BUSES from COVER

David Armelino | The Osweonion The Crossroads will soon begin to offer different selections which include geese meat. The new delicacy for Oswego State students tastes a bit like rubberish chicken, but we've heard that geese isn't the worst thing in the world.

David Armelino Grape Soda Thief sippinongrapesoda@osweonion.com With spring right around the corner, one thing is for certain at Oswego State; the geese will soon be returning

in full force.

Instead of allowing the geese to continue to have their way with students around campus, from blocking sidewalks, hissing at unsuspecting bystanders and leaving their feces wherever they please, the staff and management at The Crossroads, the popular eatery in the Marano Campus Center, have decided to take matters into their own hands.

The restaurant will begin serving geeserelated menu items on April 1 in an effort to combat the increasing geese population sweeping the Oswego State campus.

Management has subsequently hired a group of employees trained to hunt geese as they arrive on the campus grounds. The hunters will set up

traps similar to bear traps to capture the geese around the quad and in between Rich and Park Halls. They will also hunt them with specially designed rope-shooting guns to subdue one goose at a time. Students have been urged to steer clear of the traps and hunters if they encounter them and to continue on with their day as if they had seen nothing.

A new menu has already been created to give a heads up to Crossroads customers as to what it will be serving.

This new item adds a whole new level of creativity to the menu, with dishes such as geese meat sandwiches during lunchtime, with the customer ’s choice of grilled or fried. An all-new dinner menu will also feature roast goose,

with a choice of the leg, thigh, breast or the entire goose. Geese soup is another meal students are excited to try, along with geese meat chili.

“My mom makes geese soup at home and I love it,” sophomore James Fowl.

While there is skepticism from some students about the new menu item, most are excited to exact revenge on the geese who tormented them in years past by eating them, with one student saying, “It’s going to taste like sweet victory.”

It is unknown at this time if other food establishments on campus will add geese-related items to their menus, however with the amount of geese on campus, there will not be a shortage of them anytime soon, leaving the option open for the future.

tours around campus and the city of Oswego for $1 for students and $3 for the general public.

“At first we weren’t exactly sure if we were going to get the funds to use these new buses, but after talking to admissions we are utilizing the beauty, history and achievement of Oswego to feed back into the benefit of students with the use of the weekend’s ‘Tour of Oz,’” Hattery said.

The art sculptures that were in place at the beginning of this academic year was the start to a plan in making the Oswego State campus more appealing. The new signs incorporated on campus are used to remind the tour groups what school they are touring, in case they forget. Now, with the use of these buses, more sculptures are being designed to replicate iconic landmarks such as the Statue of Liberty, the Eiffel Tower and Oswego State’s neighbor, Niagara Falls to the rooftops of the academic buildings.

According to Sheldon Differ, the supreme leader of admissions, “Tour of Oz” is welcome to the general public and will include a guided tour and meet and greet with the Oswego State president in hopes of bringing more revenue to not only the transportation services but to Oswego State as well.

“It is a campus-wide effort, a winwin situation,” Differ said. “Students will now be able to ride the bus without it being overcrowded and Oswego will be able to afford this new system by further promoting Oswego.”

The inclusion of the art sculptures was just the start said Artie Stone, head chair advisor of the art department.

“With the existing modern art sculptures and the incorporation of the new replications of iconic landmarks, our goal is to make the ‘Tour of Oz’ diverse, welcoming and lucrative,” Stone said.

Students seem to have just as much enthusiasm as the administration does with the new plans.

“Double-decker buses are awesome,” second semester sophomore by credit Ben Dover said. “Now they will be able to get even more students late to class!”

Canadian hockey players spark war White T-shirts banned ahead of BSR Fire code violation OH CANADA from COVER leads to shooting has been amazing, but this development porter stopped taking notes, the counBAN from COVER cruited by Oswego State. has put them into a tough situation. cil members said they still have a few death on campus The Laker hockey program has “I love it here at Oswego,” junior “It’s kind of like getting your yearmore tricks up their sleeves. been known for years for its ways of finding players from across the Great White North and now, because of this, the homeland of these players is going to set an attack on Uncle Sam. “We are very confident in the armed forces that we have and we are ready to go up against what is known as the ‘greatest military in the world,’” the prime minister said.

According to IMF, the International Military Federation, its latest world rankings have America as No. 1 for the 9,646 consecutive weeks. While Canada is currently 54th in the rankings.

But it seems like Canada is looking at passion to be the key factor that will drive the Habs to victory.

“Every Canadian grows up on a pond of ice,” the prime minister said.

“Now it seems like the Americans think they can just take these boys from us. We will use our love of the game to remind us why we are doing this: to let those hot dog eaters know, we will no longer back down.”

The prime minister also stated that for current Canadian Oswego State ice hockey players, have 48 hours to return home, after that, they will be closing their borders permanently to begin devising their first attack.

For these players, playing for a program with rich hockey tradition in Oswego State

DISCLAIMER

Marc-Antoine Jacquier said. “The friends I’ve made, and the experiences I’ve had. But I guess I have to leave it all behind now.”

The Oswego State men’s ice hockey head coach was shocked by the announcement.

“I knew they were not happy with the fact we were recruiting so many players from there,” the head coach said. “But I never did think they would take it this far.

The head coach also said he has now started his search for more U.S.born players, as well as starting to recruit in other countries.

“If we can no longer go north of the border, I guess we will try to go south of the border,” the head coach said. “I’ve heard good things from my scouts that Mexico is starting to produce a lot of talent.”

The impact this makes on the Oswego State hockey program is yet to be seen, but for America, a former ally of Canada, that now has turned into an enemy. It has put everyone on high alert for the time being.

The White House has still not made a statement on the matter, the world is on pins and needles as with a battle between neighboring countries, one can only imagine the destruction that might occur.

book signed, like in high school, except if it’s a guy they try to sign it right on your boobs, and that’s awkward,” said Britney St. Richards, senior business major. “But I was really looking forward to having the shirt as a keepsake after I graduate, since I probably won’t remember Bridge Street Run itself. You know, if I do it right.”

The ban applies to every store that sells clothing in Oswego’s city limits, so it will not stop students from going out of town to acquire their Bridge Street Run attire.

“Oswego students do not, as a rule, go above and beyond often, but lordy, for their bar crawl they’ll make the effort,” the president of the college was overhead saying to several colleagues, who all agreed. “I mean, come on. Did you ever see that SUNY Party Stories?

If I could say just one thing about our student body, it’s that they take their drinking very seriously.”

When asked about the possibility of students traveling to Fulton, Clay or even Syracuse to buy their white shirts for Bridge Street Run, the council first made a crack about students being too lazy to ever get off their “dang iPhones” long enough to do that. After complaining about today’s youth and “Buzz-whatever” for about an hour, during which this re-

“We hoped the spring concert would stop most of the students, but turns out most of them aren’t willing to pay the ticket prices,” Eugene Titewad, another senior council member, said. “I heard they also picked musicians who weren’t too cool. Is that still what the kids are saying these days? Anyway, I guess that’s part of the problem, but I haven’t heard of a single goshdarn one of those lousy rapsters or nancy-boys, so I wouldn’t know.

“Anyway, our next move is to try and close down the bars on that day,” Titewad eventually concluded after ranting about today’s music for around twenty minutes, during which this reporter zoned out but nodded politely.

Every bar owner in Oswego contacted for comment about this possible next move by city council laughed for a solid 30 seconds and then hung up.

“It’s just so disgusting, that Bridge Street Run,” said Dick Repit, the most senior council member. “They show too much skin, they drink too much, they eat all that absolute junk. They probably have a bunch of vigorous, unprotected sex later that night, and they probably barely even have a hangover when they wake up at noon the next day! It’s a disgrace! It’s immoral!”

In a whisper under his breath, Repit added, “Oh God, I wasted my youth.”

12 PERCENT from COVER

Hoyabembe went on to recount the various details of the police report as he was audtioning for next spring semster’s rendition of “2 Spring 2 Awakening.” According to police reports, during the ninth mandatory fire safety check that week, fire officials noted that more than 10 percent of Bologna’s wall had been covered.

“I can tell you from knowing Tone that it probably didn’t go well when they asked him to take down his Tony Danza tapestry,” Hoyabembe said. “Tone just went loco.”

Hoyabembe’s description would be apt as police reports and eyewitness testimony corroborate Mr. Bologna’s crazed indignant attitude. A record-low 82 shots were fired at Bologna, one striking him in the coccyx and the other 81 flying out a window and damaging a neon sign, soon to be replaced with three new signs.

“All I heard was yelling and like 60 gunshots,” said Katie Deldeaux, a neighbor in Seneca Hall. “He just kept screaming ‘What does 11 percent look like? Tell me and I’ll stop resisting,’ and he ran down the hall before they finally caught him. It was kind of annoying because I had to study for three midterms I had the day before we left for spring break.”

A press release from the university espouses regret for Mr. Bologna’s loss of life, but still fervently admonishes those students who choose to live life as criminals by exceeding 10 and 10 percent only of their walls, promising to seek them out with “extreme prejudice.”

“Sure, I think it’s a bit harsh, but I think it’s cleaning up the school, especially Seneca,” Deldeaux continued. “Last week, I went to get my mail and walked in on a pack of wild dogs fighting over a ribcage. So it’s definitely a trade off, ya know [sic]?”

Content featured in The Osweonion is purely fictional; all quotations and details attributed as fact are fabrications and parodies of reality. Any similarity to real persons is merely coincidental.

Games

PAGE 4?

THE OSWEONION TUESDAY, April 1, 2015

STAFF EDITORIAL

GEESE BULLYING NEEDS TO END The senior class T-shirt is a long-standing tradition here at Oswego State. However, the list on the back of the shirt, the “Top Ten Reasons You Know You’re A SUNY Oswego Alum,” has garnered a great deal of attention and has left many in an uproar over the bullying of a human student. This resulted in a redesign of the shirt.

However, the redesign did not eliminate all the bullying on the list. “Geese are the enemy,” is clearly printed in the No. 2 position, a clear case of bullying against the geese population.

While the design raised hell over the bullying of a human, the administration and campus community have remained silent on the flagrant geese bullying present on the T-shirt.

We here at The Osweonion sympathize

with the plight of these noble waterfowl and shall not remain silent on this issue.

Geese are people too and deserve to be treated with as much decency and respect as any other member of the Oswego State community.

Our feathered friends from the Great White North do not deserve the blatant abuse being thrown at them from the senior class. These Canadians may not be playing hockey for the Lakers, but they are just as valuable to the community. They are an invaluable part of the grounds crew. They spend their days fertilizing the grass, making it the beautiful shade of emerald green we all know and love. Sure, they occasionally miss and fertilize the sidewalk instead, but surely this does not warrant calling them “the enemy.”

The geese of Oswego State have not taken this abuse lying down either. A waddle has been scheduled for April 1 to raise awareness of geese issues. The waddle is set to begin on the shores of Lake Ontario and continue to the Glimmerglass Lagoon where guest honker Mother Goose is scheduled to speak on her struggles with goose bullying in her rousing speech entitled, “Honkity Honk-Honk Honko, Eh?” We urge every student to let your voice be heard and join the geese. If the administration is to truly take a stance against bullying, that stance should be total and not just relegated to mammal anti-bullying.

Whether our skin has feathers or hair, we all must flock together and send bullying migrating.

Student takes extended nap in Tyler

Art history student bored to Z's found in Tyler amid renovations, WTF?!

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Directions: Find the WORDS. It ain't hard!

Horoscopes

by Wit Chagurl

Peter J. Hanley Real Estate Agent NPR@osweonion.com Construction on Tyler Hall has ceased due to an investigation into safety concerns after a student, thought to be missing, emerged from the building early Monday morning.

The student, identified as Richard VanWinkle, reportedly fell asleep during a particularly boring art history class and has been missing since the spring 2014 semester, according to Oswego State officials.

VanWinkle was a freshman in Dr. Zachary Z. Zalinski’s History of Ancient Art last year when he nodded off in his seat in the back of the class.

“It is my policy to never wake a sleeping student,” Zalinski said. “If he does not extend me the courtesy of paying attention, I will not extend him the courtesy of telling him class has ended.”

VanWinkle believes Zalinski is to blame for the incident because the professor does not create an exciting learning environment.

“Art History? More like Art Borestory,” VanWinkle said. “Watching paint dry is more exciting than listening to that guy.”

Coincidentally, if he had opened his eyes, VanWinkle would have seen literal paint drying on his skin as crews painted over him.

“You see all sorts of statues and busts in there, we just thought he was another one,” said Bob Ross, the chief painter on

Try attaching bells to everything you own. That way if you leave without something, you’ll hear it and see it.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22):

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19): It’s been a long winter, Aries. Your personal problems have piled on you like snow. Don’t fret though, the end is near. There’s a high chance you be will overwhelmed you, resulting in a mental breakdown. Say goodbye to hard times and hello to padded walls.

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20):

It can be hard to stick to a peaceful agenda when disruptions keep popping up. Try taking a vow of silence. This may play a key role in the solutions of your hefty load. This will work wonders on your social life. Society and you can both benefit from a little separation, Taurus.

DISCLAIMER

Gemini (May 21 - June 21): Yur imagination is buzzing. Instead of sharing the ideas that are flying around your mind, sit in a quiet space and handwrite them. After you’ve finished writing, throw out what you’ve produced to save your family and friends the shame of being associated with you.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22):

A lost object is haunting your conscious this week and it threatens to consume your attention if it’s not found. Since short-term memory, long-term memory and general thinking aren’t your strong suits, you have to use a non-conventional method to remember your positions.

You’ve been having troubling dreams lately, including forgetting your pants and poop stains.

It’s most likely to do with that important presentation you have to make. If luck was in your corner, which it isn’t, you would just stammer a little, but you’ll probably crash and burn, Leo.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sep. 22):

You’ve been riding a financial high as of late. All your needs have been provided for and monetarily speaking, things couldn’t be going better. Since pushing your luck has always done you well, try a new habit: gambling!

Peter J. Hanley used Photoshop | The Osweonion Richard VanWinkle excited about his new beard, but roommate Mike Hunt bummed about no 4.0.

the Tyler Hall project.

While police initially launched an investigation against the VanWinkle family for child neglect, the investigation has since been dropped and the VanWinkles have been cleared of any charges.

“He’s really just not that bright of a kid,” said Richard’s mother, Minnie VanWinkle. “We all just thought he failed and was taking summer classes to make up for it. I am obviously very saddened this happened to poor Richie and we’re so glad he’s all right.”

However, not everyone is as happy with the reemergence of VanWinkle as his family is. Mike Hunt, VanWinkle’s roommate is disappointed with VanWinkle’s return.

“I was actually pretty bummed when I heard the news,” Hunt said. “You see, if your roommate dies, you get an automatic 4.0. I didn’t do too hot last semester and I was really banking on his death to help me through. Plus, he has a terrible foot odor.”

Oswego State is taking money out of the renovation budget to bring in a taskforce to go through Tyler Hall to ensure

no other stragglers were left behind.

“We the administration are doing all we can to ensure no other students or faculty members are in danger,” read an email sent out by the administration.

“Safety is our number one priority. We don’t want to be caught sleeping on our duties to keep our student body safe.”

VanWinkle does not seem to hold any real resentment toward the administration for the oversight. In fact, he is quite happy with the incident.

“I didn’t even know I could grow a beard,” VanWinkle said. “I’m just super stoked I found that out. I guess that’s what sleeping for that long will do to you. Although it may be some mutation from all the paint fumes.”

Despite this recent setback, renovations to Tyler Hall are still on track to be finished in time for the fall 2015 semester.

“The only thing we’re worried about is that Richard VanWinkle is currently living in Scales Hall,” said Oswego State’s renovations commissioner, Timothy Taylor. “The residence hall is set to undergo renovations over the summer. All I can really say is that we’re praying he actually leaves this time.”

tickled Mars when you were born, but be weary. If you seek maturity, there’s always the retirement home and early bird buffet special scene. And for you shut-in Libras: seekingarrangements.com.

weekly cleansing. Find the most public place you can, and take a moment to meditate despite all the commotion. Once you truly feel like you’ve found some inner comfort, take off those clothes and run free.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21):

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18):

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21):

A mass of deadlines is approaching you, Aquarius. Maintain your independence and defy them!

Deadlines are only enforced on those who aren’t brave enough to demand more time. Did America listen when the British told them tea time was over? No! They drank their tea and had a big party without the Britishpast the deadline, that is.

The betrayal you’ve been dreading is coming, Scorpio. It will not be obvious and will probably strike when you least expect it. This leaves you with two options: run or suffer.

Your best plan of action would be to retreat to a far off frontier such as Alaska.

Libra (Sep. 23 - Oct. 23):

A great business venture is on the horizon for you, Sagittarius. All the numbers add up and it seems like a done deal, but beware! Saturn sits in the shadow of the moon. While the deal looks prosperous, it is probably false.

It’s that time of year again. Your hormonal juices are flowing and you are seeking a mate. Your dating luck has always been strong since Pluto

Your energy has been all off as of late and it’s time for your

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19):

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20): Uranus is hot on your tail and love is around every corner.

Remember when you’re given the chance, say yes to adventure and to someone you haven’t dated before, such as someone small, or even made of paper… like a newspaper. Are you single, Pisces?

Content featured in The Osweonion is purely fictional; all quotations and details attributed as fact are fabrications and parodies of reality. Any similarity to real persons is merely coincidental.