P a r e n t i n g
T e e n s
How Far Should You Go to Respect Your Teen’s Privacy? by Christa Melnyk Hines
T
eens by nature crave independence and privacy. As parents, how far should we go to respect their privacy while still ensuring that they're making sound decisions? "The goal is for teens to gradually assume more responsibility for their own judgment about things," says Dr. Rochelle Harris, a clinical psychologist. "This isn't clear cut - like when they turn 16, do you get off their Facebook or Instagram? It's really more of making sure those foundations of communication are there." Determining how much oversight a tween or teen requires often depends on their level of maturity, their friends, and their personality. Maturity can vary greatly especially in the middle school years. Where one tween might not have completely put away her dolls, another might be more keyed into social issues and sexual experimentation in middle school-which means you'll need to have a stronger handle on what's happening in their social circle. "Who our kids hang out with will determine who they become," says Tom Kersting ,
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psychotherapist, and author of Disconnected: How to Reconnect Our Digitally Distracted Kids. As our kids get older, we may be less likely to know their friends' parents and how much wiggle room they give their kids. While your teen will try to make you feel as if you're the lone drill sergeant compared to their friends' parents, stand firm about what you feel is appropriate for your child. "Our job as parents is to make sure our kids are safe and doing the right things," Kersting says. No mysteries As soon as your child has access to any digital device, create a "digital citizenship contract" (check online for examples) to make your expectations for online behavior and your house rules crystal clear. Establish sensible consequences to help your kids learn from their mistakes. For example, rather than taking away their phone for two months, set tighter limits like less daily phone time and increased oversight from you until they prove they're responsible enough to handle it.
"A month later, if something similar happens, you do the same thing," Dr. Harris says. Strike a healthy balance by setting a curfew for when all electronics are turned off each evening. "Nothing good happens at 12:30 on a school night if your teen has their phone in their room," Dr. Harris says. Besides sleep deprivation, research suggests that the more time a teen spends online, the more likely she'll experience cyberbullying. A study presented to the American Public Health Association, also found that "hyper-networkers," or teens who spend three or more hours a day on social networking sites, were 84 percent more likely to have used illicit drugs and three and half times more likely to have had sex. Inquiring minds want to know Teens are likely to shut you out if you get too nosy. Instead ask "naive" questions to get them thinking critically about issues that can happen online and in their social circles. For example: "I'm hearing a lot about cyberbullying. What does that look like?"
