4-01-2025 – Daily Emerald – EMG by Emerald Media Group

Dave’s Hot Chicken announces switch to all-vegan menu City Council Meeting devolves into food fight

BREAKING NEWS: THE SQUIRREL POPULATION HAS TAKEN OVER UO

As the population of squirrels on University of Oregon campus has increased, they have appeared to be retaliating against the humans

By Jasmine Saboorian Campus News Editor

Squirrels have been more and more prevalent on campus at the University of Oregon and as their population has grown, their need for power has, as well.

The UO squirrels have officially outnumbered the humans on campus and appear to have begun their own uprising against the people.

Students shared their frustrations, fears and plans for the future of UO and for themselves.

“I always knew the squirrels were dangerous when they started rapidly multiplying like

! NEW ATHLETE ALERT !

THE DUCK ON THE FIELD?

By Jack Lazarus Sports Associate Editor

As if the college football world couldn’t get any crazier, the NCAA now finally plans to address the inequity between athletes and mascots in college sports.

According to reports from multiple sources, the NCAA has moved to implement a rule for the upcoming college football season that would require each team to use mascots at least once a game per each side of the ball.

Teams that are found to use their mas-

cots less than the required amount will have to forfeit any game where the rule wasn’t followed.

“This new rule aims to create more parity in college sports through the implementation of non-football athletes into each game,” NCAA President Charlie Baker said in a press release on March 32.

Teams will now be required to sub in their mascot for one play on offense and one play on defense, but both can be mitigated if that mascot is used to make a field goal longer than 25 yards.

“We knew having the best mascot

In a shocking new ruling, college football teams must use their mascot as an official player in every game

in our program would pay off at some point,” Oregon head coach Dan Lanning said. “It’s an exciting opportunity for the sport, and I am excited to see what gray areas we can explore.”

Lanning’s attention to detail when it comes to the rules of the game is no secret — evidenced by him taking a purposeful 12-man on the field penalty that eventually led to the clock running out on Ohio State’s offense on the following play. Oregon aims to be at the forefront of innovation in college football, and this new rule is simply a fresh opportunity to

(Noa Schwartz/Emerald)

EDITOR IN CHIEF

Tristin Hoffman

PRINT MANAGING EDITOR

Mathias Lehman-Winters

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Alicia Santiago

CAMPUS NEWS EDITOR

Jasmine Saboorian

CITY NEWS EDITOR

Mathias Lehman-Winters

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Tarek Anthony

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Jess McComb

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THE DAILY EMERALD

The Daily Emerald is published by Emerald Media Group, Inc., the independent nonprofit media company at the University of Oregon. Formerly the Oregon Daily Emerald, the news organization was founded in 1900.

Thank you for reading and trusting us with our articles today Letter from the Editor

Every day, but especially today, your trust in our reporting makes us happy

Like every day here in the Emerald offices, we appreciate you, dear reader. You have been with us through the thick and the thin. Thank you. But on this April 1, especially, we want to thank you for trusting us in our work in this specific print edition. From new NCAA mascot requirements in football and squirrel uprisings on campus to newfound Rennie’s drink superpowers and a Dan Lanning lookalike contest, we appreciate your support and trust in our independent, student-run reporting.

“Our reporters stay committed to reporting.”

To say the least, it has been an intense few days covering all of these new developments! Our reporters themselves have been bit by one of these squirrels, developed the ability to fly and have been trying to figure out what bed to buy due to new dorm requirements forcing students to bring their own beds to campus.

Today, April 1, may bring even newer developments. We might publish 15 breaking news articles. Who knows, the sky might fall down or the O plastered on Lundquist may peel off. Whatever happens, trust us, as you always have, that we will provide the most accurate depictions of the news that breaks on campus. Our whole newsroom, in fact, is sitting in the offices right now, as you are reading this letter. We are twiddling our thumbs excitedly, waiting for the next news to break.

Remember, reader: that’s what we’re here for: to bring you the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the the truth. We are here to report on anything. We are here to break the news. Stay vigilant, reader. Stay informed. And most importantly, watch out for those squirrels. And for the superpowers that Rennie’s drinks may bring you. And the new dorm bring-yourown-bed requirements. And watch out for more lookalike contests.

Through it all, we will keep you informed on it all.

Sincerely yours,

Emerald Media Group 1395 University St.,#302 Eugene, Or 97403 (541)-346-5511

Our reporters stay committed to reporting.

Tristin Hoffman Daily Emerald Editor-in-Chief

TIMELINE OF WHAT HAS HAPPENED:

March 5: UO implements BYOB policy in dorms, requiring students to bring their own beds to their dormitories.

March 13: UO students report newfound superpowers after drinking a Rennie’s beverage.

March 25: Dan Lanning lookalike contest held. 50 contestants gathered outside the EMU.

March 31: Eugene City Council erupted into a food fight.

March 32: NCAA implements rule for the upcoming college football season that requires each team to use mascots at least once a game per each side of the ball.

April 1: Squirrel uprising takes over campus.

April 1: This print edition hits the stands. Happy April Fool’s Day!

Dan Lanning lookalike contest held at EMU

Over 50 Dan Lanning lookalikes gathered outside the Erb Memorial Union for University of Oregon football head coach Dan Lanning lookalike contest

By Angelina Handris Campus News Reporter

On March 25, over 50 contestants gathered outside the Erb Memorial Union for a look-alike contest with the goal of resembling Oregon Ducks football coach Dan Lanning.

Lanning led the Ducks to a Big Ten Championship victory during the 2024 to 2025 football season and has been an extremely loved figure on campus.

The Lanning doppelgangers all competed eagerly for the first prize win of a plastic trophy in the likeness of Lanning and a $25 HomeGoods gift card.

The title ultimately went to University of Oregon senior Bobby Mallard, who said winning the competition was a “great honor.”

“This is probably the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time,” Mallard said. “Lanning is the GOAT (greatest of all time). I guess I’ll be making a trip to HomeGoods in the near future.”

Many contestants dressed in headsets, khaki pants and UO polo shirts in an attempt to closely resemble Lanning.

The competition also consisted of a slew of activities, including a competition for the best impression of Lanning in front of the panel of judges.

“It’s just a fun time,” Jeremy Webfoot, a Eugene community member who competed, said. “I’m a big Ducks fan, so coming out to things like this is

THE SQUIRREL POPULATION HAS TAKEN OVER UO

nothing you’ve ever seen,” UO student Joe Schmoe said. “Now that they’re starting their own civil uprising and taking over our school, I know I need to get out of here.”

Schmoe said that his plan for the squirrel uprising is to get out of Eugene as soon as possible, but there are some limitations.

“They (squirrels) have taken over the airports, planes, roads and basically the whole town,” Schmoe said. “I need to get out of here before things get worse.”

Sally Stitch, another UO student, said she wants to try and make peace with the squirrels.

The squirrel population has risen 46% since 2024

“I know they’re (squirrels) angry we (humans) haven’t treated them the best, but we need to make peace so that things don’t escalate,” Stitch said. “The squirrels have taken over this land and they need to learn to at least share with us.”

Stitch is leading a group called “UO for Humans and Squirrels” and is recruiting students, staff and

faculty to try and make amends with the squirrels.

“I don’t have many members so far because people are afraid of the squirrels,” Stitch said. “I think we need to adapt to them now instead of them adapting to us.”

17 faculty members have had their lunch stolen by the squirrels

Some faculty members have also shared their fears for the squirrel uprising on campus.

“This gets in the way of our jobs and our teaching and brings fear to everyone on campus,” Ava Dove, UO professor of psychology, said. “I wish I could use my knowledge to understand what the squirrels want and why they are doing this, but they are squirrels.”

Dove explained how nothing like this has ever been seen before in history, so it is difficult to come up with a solution for mediating between the squirrels and the humans.

“I don’t know if we need mediation sessions, picket lines, retaliation or anything of that sort,” Dove said. “History is being made here but at the cost of our school.”

(Jen Jackson/Emerald)

(LEFT) Head coach Dan Lanning. The UO community held a Dan Lanning lookalike contest on March 25.

(Jonathan Suni/Emerald)

(ABOVE) A squirrel sits in a tree and scopes out its next victim

Continued from page 1

Welcome

City Council meeting devolves into food fight

A meeting of the Eugene City Council turned chaotic after speaker throws sandwich

By Mathias Lehman-Winters City News Editor

A March 31 meeting of the Eugene City Council erupted into a food fight yesterday after a public comment speaker hurled a bologna sandwich.

The hoopla began after the council opened the floor to public comment regarding the city’s sidewalk infrastructure. Evan Crossham, a Eugene resident, approached the podium and began to retell his experience tripping on poorly paved sidewalks. Crossham, having worked himself into a frenzy, then chucked a tomato and bologna sandwich toward the councilors at the dais.

“It was the most incredible thing,” witness and Eugene resident Edith Tabernacle said after the meeting. “After working himself into quite the rage, he reached into his backpack and chucked his lunch at the councilors.”

The councilors reacted quickly and moved to duck under the cover of the dais. However, in an incredible moment, Councilor Alan Zelenka stood and slapped the sandwich mid-air in an apparent attempt to deflect the lunch meat attack.

But the sandwich, slapped from its initial course, landed on Councilor Mike Clark. Clark, after a moment of hesitation, looked up at Zelenka and in frustration tossed the contents of his Coca-Cola can on Zelenka’s suit.

“My emotions got the best of me,” Clark said after the event. “I know Alan didn’t mean it, but it was a brand new tie.”

Simultaneously, Councilor Matt Keating hurled a partially-eaten spare rib, which he apparently had been hiding underneath the dais just out of sight, at Crossham, striking him in the shoulder.

Then, in a moment that surprised everyone, the Raging Grannies, a local activist group composed of “little old ladies in silly extravagant hats” (as according to their website), stood in unison and shouted “FOOD FIGHT.”

The grannies began throwing crackers, salami, peach slices and whatever else they

had brought as snacks both at the councilors and other community members in the audience.

What followed was absolute pandemonium, as the audience began hurling their own lunch items and beverages across the room and at each other.

William Mack, a community member in attendance that day, said he was confused by the events.

“I came to listen to my elected officials,” Mack said. “And then the next thing I knew a grandma hurled apple sauce in my face. Quite frankly I don’t know what the hell happened. But I wasn’t about to be pushed around so I chucked my pretzels at her.”

The proceedings were eventually brought under control after Eugene Police Department officers rushed into the chamber and began detaining participants. Though, the first several officers to enter the chamber were greeted with half-eaten food striking their persons.

The meeting was cut-short and the councilors safely vacated the chambers via the back door.

“It was regrettable that things unfolded how they did,” Eugene Mayor Kaarin Knudson said in a statement after the meeting. “But we are grateful to EPD for bringing everything under control, and we encourage citizens to express their frustration without wasting perfectly good food.”

Dave’s Hot Chicken announces switch to all-vegan menu

By Joseph Chiu City News Associate Editor

Dave’s Hot Chicken has announced it will be shifting to an entirely vegan menu amid allegations of its chicken being too “unhealthy.”

The new chicken being served at Dave’s will be made entirely of plant-based meat alternatives such as soy and tofu. The move comes amid controversy as to whether or not Dave’s chicken was providing enough nutritional value for customers.

“Our decision to completely shift to a vegan approach was well thought out by myself,” Dave’s CEO Bill Phelps said. “I used data and metrics to analyze what approach could garner the most money and popularity within the next five years. I believe going vegan will do just that.”

When Phelps was contemplating the decision to change the business landscape, he said the decision was made completely on his own and with support from a few managing staff. Phelps emphasized that he didn’t see the need to complicate the process by seeking input from employees or team members and that his decision was backed by deep research.

“I didn’t tell them. I didn’t need to,” Phelps said. “The rest of the team and I are on the same wavelength with this decision in terms of what we believe is best for Dave’s Hot Chicken. I have the ut-

Dave’s new menu will consist of chicken made entirely out of soy and tofu ingredients and will eliminate all options containing meat *Disclaimer:

most confidence that this is exactly what my team would’ve wanted me to do.”

Senior Vice President Shannon Glaser agreed with Phelps’ statements. She believes the rest of the team is on the same page with the direction they want the company to go.

“I trust in the decisions we and the board members make for our organization,” Glaser said. “I believe this will change our business’ outlook while moving us in a positive direction that will benefit our sales for years to come.”

The soy-tofu blend, however, is not Dave’s first experiment with vegan options. The company released a cauliflower meatless alternative called “Dave’s NOT chicken,” deep-fried cauliflower with spices that were made into sliders, tenders and bites.

Cauliflower was introduced for a limited time in January 2024 and after popular demand by fans, Dave’s brought the cauliflower options back to the menu in January 2025.

Despite the cauliflower being available as an option for vegan eaters, Phelps said he wanted to expand vegan options and enforce them upon all customers as the only option “for their own good.”

“The ‘Dave’s NOT Chicken’ growth encouraged me to pursue this drastic change,” Phelps said. “I felt that with the traction and excitement it got, along with its growing popularity among non-vegan eaters, a similar enthusiasm for a fully vegan menu would arise.”

Dave’s Hot Chicken will officially change its menu on April 31 to allow fans to enjoy one final month of the original chicken.

(RIGHT) A Dave’s Hot Chicken Sandwich sits on a plate.

(Molly McPherson/Emerald)

(Mathias Lehman-Winters/Emerald)

Change top photo caption to: Eugene City Councilors Mike Clark, Jennifer Yeh and Matt Keating. This photo was not taken during the food fight.

ON THE COVER

NCAA REQUIRES FOOTBALL TEAMS

flex those muscles.

“We’ve already looked into the possibilities — the Duck has been at the facility all day doing a pseudo-combine. He’s quick,” Lanning said.

Other coaches around the country weren’t as stoked about having to place an unpadded mascot into the field of play every game. Washington head coach Jedd Fisch noted his team’s considerable lack of funding — not for the first time — as a reason why the Huskies wouldn’t be able to make this work.

“Teams like Oregon and Ohio State have $20 million dollar rosters, which makes it so much harder to compete. I already have to worry about not getting boat-raced by Rutgers and Iowa. College football is so unfair,” Fisch said.

In a 247sports article chronicling the top NIL spenders in college football, it noted that Washington ranked No. 24 with a collective of $9.4 million, while Oregon ranked No. 19 with its $10.6 million collective.

Much of the talk surrounding this move discusses the lack of possibility around play calling for a mascot. Multiple users on X mentioned how certain schools don’t use a physical mascot at their games. Those schools include the likes of Michigan and Illinois.

Well, the NCAA thought ahead. Those schools will now need to enlist an NCAA-sanctioned physical mascot at each of its games that must align with the nicknames and history of that school.

“Michigan can now just hire one of their players and call it a wolverine. There has to be something preventing that. I am just worried for the Duck’s safety out there,” Lanning said.

The same narrative has been brought up about Notre Dame’s famous leprechaun, who has full range of motion in most of his body. Because of that, the leprechaun would be the premier mascot for kicking field goals, which absolves the team from using the mascot again.

Notre Dame wouldn’t be the only program with an advantage, however.

Purdue’s Boilermaker mascot includes full range of motion below the waist, but his bulky head and body make it tremendously difficult to run. BYU’s cougar, often lauded for its jaw-dropping acrobatics and choreographed dances, will have the opportunity to display that as a wide receiver. Administrators from BYU are trying to figure out a way to get the Cougar to have the ability to play more than twice, as he is an invaluable part of the team.

Auburn men’s basketball coach Bruce Pearl has been an outspoken supporter of the rule. Pearl, who had stepped into the role as mascot during his time as an undergrad at Boston College, knows there’s a lot more to being a mascot than meets the eye.

“Mascots are much more than just a dancer, and no one realizes their athletic capabilities. Mascot rights in sport have long been overlooked,” Pearl said.

The NCAA’s move to include mascots in the largest college sport marked a large step in mascot rights, but there is still room to grow. Mascots still cannot receive benefits from NIL, payments from sponsors, sign with an agent or transfer freely as athletes have done

New NCAA Mascot

Rulebook Highlights:

Mascots can petition to change positions if their costume restricts movement.

Mascots cannot wear extra padding beyond their costume.

Mascots are not eligible for NIL deals—yet. If a team fails to meet mascot play requirements, they must forfeit the game.

TEAMS TO FIELD MASCOTS IN GAME

PUDDLES’ POTENTIAL

in recent years.

The reasoning for this, Baker said, was because the NCAA is still figuring out how to officially classify mascots as athletes, which is made harder by the fact that some mascots are animal-human hybrids rather than strictly a human or an animal.

The Duck, for example, has opposable thumbs and no wings.

“(The Duck’s) hybridness allows us to bring out the best from his human and Duck sides,” Lanning said.

Position: Tight End, Outside Linebacker

Height: 6’4”

Weight: 264 pounds

Strengths:

Thrives in a flock, speedy Weaknesses:

Webbed feet, cannot speak

Reports have circulated that Lanning and his staff plan to use the Duck as a tight end and outside linebacker, which fits his 6’4” 264-pound profile. Both positions also allow for the Duck’s quickness to come into play, as seen by Oregon’s use of tight end Kenyon Sadiq and linebacker/edge rusher Matayo Uiagalelei in different positions and formations due to their athletic versatility.

Lanning, along with coaches around the country, now deal with a new fold to the ever-changing landscape of college sports. While new rules are constantly subject to change, it appears as if the disparity between mascots and athletes is finally lessening.

*Disclaimer: All quotes and facts in this article are completely satirical and fake, in light of April Fools Day.*

(IMAGES) Here are photos of Puddles’ competing in NCAA games, from baseball to basketball. (Photos taken by Emerald Photographers, Tyler Graham and Jonathan Suni and edited to include photos by UO.)

OPINION

Be my fool?

By Beatrice Byrd Opinion Editor

Beatrice is the opinion editor for the Daily Emerald. She is a fourthyear student majoring in journalism and legal studies. In her writing for the Emerald, she has covered topics including social media, student representation and health.

February brought me my first Lego set, with bouquets of flowers and succulents from my valentine. March passed, and my fiancé finally asked me the big question: Will you be my leprechaun? But today is April 1, and I know it was a fast-approaching holiday, but he still hasn’t asked me to be his fool.

We’re getting married this summer. How am I supposed to know he’s ready to be forever pranksters if he hasn’t even considered me foolish enough for the Fools’ day? The words “be my valentine” mean bupkis if I can’t also be his laughable, lovable comedienne.

So, I asked him my burning questions: “Do you find me foolish? We may have pranked around in the past, but are you ready to become exclusive pranksters?”

He started by saying the most dreadful statement I’ve ever heard: “I don’t find you very foolish.” Ouch.

“But, it’s quite silly to me when you do your funny impressions and characters, such as Frank, your alter ego,” he said. Ah, yes, my dear friend, Frank. He’s known in my household for his hit song “I’m Gonna Throw Some Meat

Dorm Move-In Essentials

(According to BYOB)

Twin XL sheets (optional)

A bed frame (some assembly required… good luck)

A mattress (bonus points if it fits through the door)

Twelve friends to help carry it up three flights of stairs

An emotional support snack for when you regret

at You (So Bee-dop, Bee-dop, Bee-dop Boo).”

I tell others that Frank has passed away, but we all know that Frank will always live inside me, making me a true fool. My prospects for fool status are looking up.

Though my fiancé, Jack, isn’t much of a pranker, he describes himself as more of an “observationalist” type of guy. This is likely why he respects my comedic prowess.

According to Jack, to be a successful fool, you must have some dignity.

“A try-hard fool is something no one wants to see. You can go from fool to clown really quickly if you’re not careful,” he said.

This is when I got a bit nervous. What if I’ve been his clown this whole time, and there’s no real holiday for try-hards like myself? But then he validated my foolish thoughts.

“I think just having natural foolishness is most important. Maybe you’re not a fool all the time, but when you want to be, you can be the funniest person in the room,” Jack said. “That’s where I think you really thrive as a fool. You pick your spots, and when you feel like turning it on, it’s just a riot in the room; it’s just laughter. The whole ground shakes.”

He’s definitely caught himself being a fool. Maybe he just doesn’t know how to ask me yet.

This made me consider all of those without fools today and what they may be experiencing if they have the qualities of a jester but have never found the right court to perform in.

I reached out to my sister, a self-proclaimed “Lone Jerry,” to see how she feels about being fool-less on a day like today.

“I just think I’ve got a lot of things I want to do before I’m ready to settle down and be someone’s fool,” Jerry said.

Maybe you were a valentine, but do you have what it takes to be a fool?

Jerry might be getting older, but her foolishness is staying young. And she’s OK with being her own fool right now.

“It’s hard to find a fool in today’s world if you aren’t comfortable going on the prankster apps like Cringe,” she said.

This made me feel so lucky to have Jack as my jokester in crime. I don’t have to fool around in a world full of clowns anymore. And I don’t have to wait for him to ask me just to make it official. So, Jack, will you be my fool?

(Stephanie Yang/Emerald)

“Bring your own booze?” Nah, I’d rather “bring my own bed”

The solution to overcrowded dorms was right in front of us all along: UO, meet BYOB

By Gracie Cox Opinion Associate Editor

For the 2024-2025 school year, University of Oregon boasted a near perfect admittance rate, and despite the good that this has done to the price of student tuition and faculty salaries, the residence halls are bursting at the seams. On average, four students occupy a standard double room, and freshmen with below a 2.0 GPA are forced to sleep in the laundry rooms. Something needs to change.

After careful consideration, both University Housing and I have discovered the one solution for this problem: students living on campus, it’s time to bring your own bed (BYOB) to supply the dorms.

The BYOB policy, introduced on March 5, mandates that all students living on-campus must supply their own bed frames and mattresses, at their own expense of course, but that these beds can be of any “reasonable size” that the student wishes. Faced with the uptick in dorm overcrowding, UO knew that its solution would be based on student-initiative and present no additional costs for the

university, making BYOB the perfect answer.

Tim Dork, a first-year student studying Pre-Business Administration, is pleased with the policy’s prioritization of students and their diverse bed needs.

“At first, I felt a little silly ordering a kingsized mattress for my Earl Hall double,” Dork said. “But I quickly realized it was the right choice. I sleep like a baby through my 8 a.m., and when the crumbs in my bed get too itchy, I just move to the other side. BYOB is great.”

Dork’s roommate, Theo Peeved, didn’t share his excitement.

“Tim sleeps pretty soundly, but his king bed is cramping my style. I respect student bed choice and all, but I’m sleeping against our door and had to replace my desk and chair with a toddler tea set and Squatty Potty. It doesn’t seem super fair, y’know?” Peeved said.

Administration praised BYOB for consolidating residents, allowing them the housing capacity to finally close Unthank Hall for much-needed renovations.

One administrator might have said, “It’s

Gracie Cox is the associate opinion editor of the Daily Emerald and a second-year Planning, Public Policy and Management student. You can find her sharing her opinions on UO culture and drinking copious amounts of Red Bull.

been a great change overall. Not only are we done providing actual accommodations, but we also are able to put that funding towards exactly what this community has been asking for: bigger, newer and even more badly-built residence halls.”

If we let students choose their major, dorm hall, meal plan and roommate, why would we not give them the freedom to select what beds they sleep on? BYOB corrected this hypocrisy, protecting students’ God-given right of bed choice.

Critics of BYOB point to the sudden rise of cracks in dorm ceilings, but at the end of the day, this is a small price to pay to keep our dorms spacious, as well as our freedom. And when housing contracts now include waivers in case residents’ beds fall through the ceiling — which has occurred in a total of 420,000 dorm rooms — this risk is expertly minimized.

As a Duck living on campus, it is your civic duty to bring your own bed. In the wise words of Dork, “Don’t be a punk, bring your own bunk.”

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ARTS & CULTURE

Controversial AIgenerated art exhibition takes campus by storm

Most people disagree with AI being used for art. Chad Bertman sees it a different way.

By Claire Coit Arts & Culture Writer

Modern art can be anything these days, but can it be AI-created? University of Oregon sophomore Chad Bertman thinks so.

As students settle into the spring term and the weather gets warmer in Eugene, the Erb Memorial Union opens a new gallery, entitled “From My Fingertips.” The gallery will showcase art prompted by Bertman and artificially generated by ChatGPT. The open-source AI model just released its newest update, allowing users to generate artful images in any style based on a few descriptive words.

Bertman, a sophomore studying economics, found this update exciting and immediately started generating anything he and his friends found funny or interesting, like morphed pictures of Vice President JD Vance.

A recent online trend has emerged, where people take popular photos of celebrities or album covers and convert them into a Studio Ghibli style art piece, which inspired Bertman heavily.

Who’s really winning here?”

One of the generated art pieces in the gallery is of former UO quarterback Bo Nix generated in the Rick and Morty art style. Bertman decided to include this image at the forefront of the gallery because it was his and his friends’ favorite.

Another image features football head coach Dan Lanning generated as Lieutenant Dan from the movie Forrest Gump. Bertman and his friends are big football fans, so this piece was fitting as well.

The EMU staff was concerned that most of the images Bertman submitted were comedic, so he also submitted a few serious ones. One depicts trees in a watercolor style and another has a Van Gogh-inspired depiction of the Duck.

Bertman has received intense backlash from students on campus who claim that AI art steals from creators, is soulless and harms the environment with its excessive water usage, effectively contributing to climate concerns.

Pick your poison or power: Students report superhuman experiences at Drink Wheel

Community members grow suspicious after several students report inexplicable experiences following the consumption of Drink Wheel cocktails

By Jess McComb Arts & Culture Editor

When University of Oregon seniors

Lucy Menendez and Danielle Bonada attended Drink Wheel at Rennie’s Landing on March 13, they were prepared for an uneventful night. But after one AMF, the evening took a turn for the unexpected.

“I swear to god I’m not making this up,” Menendez said. “Five minutes after I finished my drink I started feeling this tingling sensation in my ears, and then all of a sudden I knew. I knew everything.”

By everything, she was referring to a sudden ability to perceive the unthinkable — other people’s thoughts. Menendez feared no one would believe her, but after a private conversation with Bonanda, she confirmed what she had expected: The two of them had briefly inherited the power to read minds.

Bonada said most of the thoughts were complimentary. “People kept telling me how beautiful I looked, but every time I said thank you they would just frown,” she said. “I knew something was really off when my friend Wallis Blivin looked at me and told me she hated my outfit. She’s usually so sweet.”

Since February, several reports have surfaced concerning the suspicious effects of consuming Rennie’s Drink Wheel cocktails. So far, the reports have been traced back to three drinks: the AMF, the Dirty Shirley and the Vodka Redbull.

Bonada and others have detailed the strange and sometimes superhuman symptoms they experienced upon con suming the drinks. After downing a Dirty Shirley at Drink Wheel on Feb. 13, UO senior Jack Skidmore reported experienc ing feelings for his best friend that could only be described as infatuation.

“The effects wore off by the next morning, but honestly, for a good five hours I thought I was in love with him.”

Other patrons have reported similar experiences, each of which occurred when a Dirty Shirley was purchased for them by a separate party. In fact, the reported effects for each of the three cocktails are consistent across the board — the AMF has been suspected to produce the ability to read minds, the Dirty Shirley seems to act as a love potion and the Vodka Redbull is causing perhaps the strangest effect of all: flight.

After one too many Vodka Redbulls at Drink Wheel, UO seniors Brooke Thalacker and Bella Lyon decided to leave their friends at the bar and call it a night. They were about to order an Uber when both had the strangest feeling that they wouldn’t be needing the service.

“I can’t describe it. I just knew if we jumped we would fly,” Lyon said. “So we walked across the street to Lillis — I had to be sure no one could see us.”

After scaling the building, Lyon and Thalacker launched themselves into the air with no hesitation, and low and behold, they flew. Red Bull truly does give you wings.

“I guess now I can really say I’m a Duck,” Thalacker said.

Police are currently investigating the potential dangers of the enhanced cocktails. But given the brief and seemingly harmless effects of the drinks, officials cannot justify shutting down the Drink Wheel until malice has been proven.

However, Bertman believed he could take this idea further and get more creative with it. He had always wanted to do something worthwhile on campus, so he reached out to the EMU staff to create a gallery for his generated images. Bertman operates under the notion that anything can be modern art, so why can’t AI? “Work smarter, not harder” is his mantra.

Despite the online uproar over AI generation stealing artists’ work and harming the environment, Bertman sees AI as a way to take advantage of the art world for his own benefit.

“Hey man, these other artists spend ten hours painting while I’m playing Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 and drinking with my buddies,” Bertman said. “It’s instant art.

When asked how he responds to these controversies, Bertman laughed and said, “The future is now. Why waste time and money on art supplies when I can just type a prompt into my phone and get something just as good out of it?”

Considering the climate change argument, Bertman does not believe in it, so it is not a concern for him.

The gallery, “From My Fingertips,” will open on April 1 in the Rosewood Gallery of the EMU. For more information, consult the EMU events calendar.

Writer’s note: This is a fictional story. I do not condone the use of AI-generated art. Support your local artists.

“At first I just thought I was just feeling festive with Valentine’s Day being the next day,” Skidmore said. “But the feelings I was having… not normal.”

Skidmore’s friend Aidan Ramsthel had purchased the drink for him to make good on a debt, and Skidmore said just several minutes af ter he finished the drink he saw a sort of golden light following Ramsthel around the bar.

“It was like he could do no wrong,” Skidmore said.

*Disclaimer: All quotes and facts in these articls are completely satirical and fake, in light of April Fools Day.*

Bertman, Chad, Van Duck , 2025, Generated By Chat GPT

(Erinn Varga/Emerald)

Phil Knight gears up for T&F’s Standford Invitational

UO’S TENNIS TEAMS TO BE FEATURED IN ANOTHER HOLLYWOOD TENNIS MOVIE

2025 spring game changing to flag football

The future is now, Duck fans

By Joe Krasnowskivi Sports Reporter

After weeks of contemplating how to change college football for the better, Ducks football head coach Dan Lanning finally landed on a decision that he called “the obvious choice.”

In a move lauded by some and called an abomination by football purists, Lanning and the Oregon football program announced their intention to replace the traditional gridiron football spring game with flag football. Lanning and company cited concerns about concussions in a meaningless game and the overall “lack of grace” in the sport.

That’s right, Duck fans: the only head injuries that can be expected the day of the spring football game will be from students getting a little too crazy in the student section.

FRIDAY

April 4. 2025

Oregon vs. Oregon State The Oregon Duck to face

Oregon athletics announces new laser tag team

The Ducks’ newest sport is set to debut in winter of 2025 “ “ The spring game should be about two things: BORGs and tackle football

“We just think there’s too much going on sometimes,” Lanning said immediately following the announcement. “Kind of like in the Ohio State game at the Rose Bowl, sometimes it’s hard for our guys to keep up. So I think this will give us a good opportunity to get back to the roots of the game, where we are all winners deep down.”

“I mean we say FEBU,” Lanning said. “But for now that means ‘flag everybody but us’.”

The announcement, made just weeks before the program’s annual spring showcase on April 26, has been met with outrage from football fans on social media worldwide.

“Has Dan Lanning gone soft?” one X user wrote. “Dude loses one game to the best team in the world, and he’s suddenly afraid of his guys hitting each other in a game.”

Lanning’s players, however, see it a different way.

“I mean, growing up, I would just juke guys out of their socks, and they had no chance at grabbing my flag,” linebacker Bryce Boettcher said. “I think it’s a good opportunity to showcase my talents and show them why I’m the best in the world.”

Fans, however, have voiced a different sentiment.

“The spring game should be about two things: BORGs and tackle football,” one UO student said. “They are taking the football away from us in 2025? What has the world come to?”

Lanning said that the Oregon football science team has been doing countless hours of research on how to best prevent head injuries. But, in a decision between having select timeouts for players to dunk their faces in jugs of bottles of Saratoga water, and moving the spring game to flag football, Lanning chose the latter.

“They’re fighting for clicks, we’re fighting for flags,” Lanning said. “Don’t forget that.”

By Brady Ruth Sports Editor

Do you love laser tag? Sure, who doesn’t?

Well, you may just have a chance to be a Division I athlete after all. The University of Oregon is adding collegiate laser tag to its athletic department in winter of 2025, a press release from April 1 says.

As the generation that grew up playing and loving laser tag continues to go through colleges across the country, a push for laser tag to become a collegiate sport has reached a successful conclusion.

Oregon is set to join the “Coastal Conference,” which will be one of two major laser tag conferences this coming winter.

The bizarre conference alignment has grouped all teams on any coast (yes, East or West) into one conference with all other schools in the other.

The Coastal Conference will consist of eight universities: Oregon, Clemson University, UCLA, Florida State University, Seattle University, Georgia Institute of Technology, University of Hawaii and Louisiana State University.

The “Landlocked Conference” also boasts eight elite universities: Colorado University; Kansas State University; University of Toledo; TUniversity of Nevada, Las Vegas; Middle Tennessee State University; University of Arkansas; South Dakota

State University and University of Iowa.

The season, classified as a winter sport, will take place across the span of four months — November through February. Each team will compete in 12 matches in their season. While Oregon’s schedule is yet to be finalized, the Ducks will compete against each team in the Coastal Conference as well as five from the Landlocked Conference.

Each match will consist of a best-of-nine format with each game lasting 10 minutes. Home teams are expected to have a considerable advantage over their opponents as they’ll know the layout of their arena in advance of each competition.

The University of Oregon is expected to break ground on a new arena later this month. It’s expected that one of the turf fields outside of Hayward Field will be renovated to create a state-of-the-art laser tag arena. The arena will hold up to 2,000 fans, and students will be able to purchase tickets through their GoDucks app.

The team will consist of 20 members: 10 males and 10 females as to not offset Title IX. Each member of the team is expected to play in every contest as substituting at least three players will be mandatory between each round of match play.

So, grab your blaster and be ready for tryouts, which are expected to be held in Lawrence Hall in early May.