[BE W EL L] M I N D A N D B O D Y
Assertiveness
Finding a Home Between Aggressive and Passiveness By Jocelyn Tatum Illustrations by Amber Davis
Assertiveness Is Important For Healthy Living
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One afternoon I was sharing with our magazine founder and owner, Adrienne Martinez, that in therapy I learned the importance of assertiveness and why it is essential to living a successful life. She said, “That’s a story” as she often does during our conversations. So here we are, spilling onto the page with research, years of recovery and experience how assertiveness is important for healthy living. A couple of years ago, I was handed The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships, written by Randy J. Paterson, Ph.D. I had never realized before sitting in my therapist’s office that day that I tended to swing from a passive people-pleasing state to an aggressive and demanding state, and then sometimes hovering somewhere in the unhealthy middle, being passive-aggressive. So, what does passive-aggressive look like, you may ask.
Sure, (I say with a smile) I will take on that project for you even though I don’t have time, but I will most likely give you the silent treatment for a week and talk about it to others in the office because you are always putting too much on my plate. So there, wah. Oh, how many times I have done that. As a girl growing up in an old Fort Worth family, manners were important, and I understood (maybe mistakenly) that a smile, coupled with the perfect outfit, was praised. Smiling prettily through the hard parts of life made me virtuous, especially if I had the right dress on. But in my rebellious spirit, I would start to “stick up for myself.” Little did I know, there was a better way than getting in that mechanic’s face when I was 16 years old after he told me I needed a new transmission. “Bull! It’s the starter, you jerk. Don’t think you can fool this strawberry blonde, blue-eyed teen with no grownups here to fact-check you.” Gah. What an exhausting existence. But I kept that up for many, many years. Smile and look pretty. Hold a grudge. Push away anyone who gets too close.
