one particle magazine: issue one

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issue one: “what’s the big idea?” f/w 2023

sisyphus’ horoscopes MONDAY Today is all about setting expectations. If you expect the rock to roll down the hill right as you get it to the top, the rock will roll down the hill.

But, if you expect the rock to finally reach the top and for your suffering to end, the rock will roll down the hill.

TUESDAY

There’s a fantastic new beginning in store for you today!

The rock is at the bottom of the hill! Approach today with a beginner’s mind and pretend it’s your first time seeing the rock. Let go of your preconceptions. Forget that you’ve memorized every crack and blemish on the rock and that most of the time you feel like you and the rock have become one and it’s hard to know where you end and the rock begins.

WEDNESDAY

Today it’s important to remind yourself that YOU are the boss of YOUR life! YOU get to decide the speed at which the rock goes up the hill. YOU get to retrieve the rock when it plummets to the same spot it has the last 6,987,365,879 times. YOU get to fall to YOUR knees and curse the Gods using any profanities YOU choose!

THURSDAY

In order to get a lot done today, you’re going to have to learn how to say no. Say no to quitting. Say no to that nagging thought in the back of your head wishing you hadn’t cheated death because at least death is a motionless and serene darkness where there is no rock.

Say no to the schematics you drew for a high velocity catapult that would be capable of launching the stone straight up to the heavens and right through Zeus’s skull.

FRIDAY

TGIF! Time for some Friday fun - be impulsive! Try to spin the stone on your finger like a basketball! Go streaking! Break your arms and legs and see if the Gods will repair your limbs just to make sure you’re able to fulfill your punishment! If they do, be sure to cherish the Gods showing their benevolent side for once!

ridiculousness scripts for guests that will, sadly, never be on the show

how to beat boredom while running a marathon Think of It More Like Running 138,336 Footlong Marathons.

Running for 26.2 miles in a single day is daunting and essentially the most insane thing a human can do. That’s why it’s important to break the impossible goal down into 138,336 manageable goals. Added bonus: you can get 138,336 stickers that say “138,336/th of 26.2” Imagine That Your Left Leg and Right Leg Are in a “Loser Leaves Town” Match Where the Loser Is Getting Cut Off and Donated to Science If you’re bored out of your mind, it’s the perfect time to let your imagination run wild. And why not let it run wild with the story of the most intense rivalry of all time: Left Leg vs Right Leg! Former World’s Fastest Man Usain Bolt credits this boredom-busting method with helping him break the world record in 2009.

“Many people don’t know this, but 100 meters is essentially an eternity. After two strides, I can feel the construct of time slipping away as I get held captive in a terrifying abyss.

Thankfully, I learned the “Left Leg and Right Leg in a Loser Leaves Town Match” method. Now 100 meter dashes pass in the blink of an eye.” - Usain Bolt Us ain Bolt

“After I broke the world record in 09’, you can see I’m overcome with emotion. A lot of people think that’s joy but it was pure desolation. I had started to mourn for my left leg because I was so engrossed in the story that I did truly believe someone was coming to chop off my left leg and donate it to science. Thankfully, I remembered it was all my imagination and that I would get to keep my favorite leg.” - Usain Bolt (cont’d)

Quit Literally, always an option. No one would judge.

Try to Convince a Fellow Runner That You Guys are Actually Running in the Wrong Direction This technique is very simple. First, identify a fellow runner that seems the most gullible (hint: look for slack-jawed participants). Next, see what excuses you can come up with to convince them that everyone is going the wrong way. Here are some that have worked in the past: “The sun is actually rising in the opposite direction today so we should really be headed west.”

“I went to etiquette school and it’s rude to have our backs to everyone. We should run the other way to make sure we are being polite.”

“Hey, I just got word that all the cars that are usually on the street are pissed they can’t be on the street and they’re waiting at the finish line to beat everyone up. We should run the other way.”

getting help with the crossword The French Beach Boys, city ㏌ the What would be the largest ur region if Provence-Alpes-Côte d'Az Marseille disappeared?

pros and cons of shooting all my security footage on Super 8 film Cons: • Super 8 Film is expensive and 24 hour surveillance for an entire year would cost upwards of 31 million dollars.

• 1.33.1 aspect ratio allows criminals to commit crimes just out of frame.

• Grainy footage makes it difficult to identify trespassers.

• It takes 2-3 business days to process and scan the daily security cam footage so if someone broke in and murdered me Monday, I wouldn’t know until Wednesday.

Pro: • The guy stealing my TV would look super dreamy and nostalgic.

phrases I learned in Spanish for travel that I didn’t get to use as much as I hoped

“¡Hola! ¡Soy yo, Jesucristo, del Cielo! ¿Todavía tengo que pagar?

“Hi! It’s me, Jesus Christ, from Heaven! Do I still have to pay?”

¡Por favor, señora azafata! ¡Abre la puerta de la cabina del piloto! ¡Necesito decirle al piloto que dé la vuelta al avión! ¡Vi un pájaro realmente genial!

Please, please Ms. flight attendant! Open the door to the cockpit! I need to tell the pilot to turn the plane around! I saw a really cool bird!

“Accidentalmente me tragué algunas monedas. Soy un Coinstar humano.

Ja ja. ¿Dónde está el hospital?”

“I accidentally swallowed some coins. I’m a human Coinstar. Haha. Where is the hospital?

impatient archeologist

What’s left of an arrowhead (also, a lot of dust) Material: idk, something hard Region: Earth Measurements: like the size of two nickels

The Strategist’s Best Gift for Every Person That’s Ever Existed For The Friend Who Always Forgets What Their Favorite Beverage Is

For The Friend Who Can’t Decide If Their Favorite Number is 1,2,3,4,5 or 6

A shirt that says “Beer” on it

A die

For Your Toddler Who Wants A Dog But Still Thinks Everything With Four Legs Is A Dog

For That Special Someone Who Recently Mailed You Incriminating Photos of Yourself

A cat

5000 dollars in unmarked bills

For That Guy You Call Uncle Who Was Apparently Just Some Guy Your Dad Worked With Once

A firm handshake BREAKING NEWS: GRAPH LOOKING GOOD

by Editor, One Particle Zine US Stocks are showing the single greatest day in recorded history. The arrow is green and pointing up towards heaven which is a clear indicator of a virile and bullish market. The incredible gains can be attributed to a number of the usual factors that affect the market: Warren Buffet found a lucky quarter on the ground, traders had a big soup for lunch, every consumer fused together into a ratking and professed they would like to purchase more goods and/or services.

One thing is clear: this windfall will last forever and the cycle of a recession every 10 years will be broken.

BREAKING NEWS: GRAPH NOT LOOKING TOO HOT

by Editor, One Particle Zine New Wall Street figures are indicating that God has abandoned us. The arrow is plummeting towards hell and soaked in blood which can only mean one thing: we are being punished.

This could be caused by a number of horrific factors: the Fed can’t remember their email password, a book club comprised of all the major defense contractors read Slaughterhouse-Five and realized war was bad, Warren Buffet decided to sell all 229,016 of his Berkshire Hathaway shares because he just kinda wanted to see what would happen.

Washington insiders are reporting that Janet Yellen has been on the roof of the Treasury Building for the past 6 hours with a thousand yard stare and whispering to herself, “No…no…no...not money. Money should be big, not small.”

BREAKING NEWS: .....UHHHH...WHAT THE FUCK

by Editor, One Particle Zine Wall Street projections are showing the arrow crashed through the fucking ground? We are in unprecedented territory.

BREAKING NEWS: BUISNESSMAN HAS EMERGED FROM EGG

by Editor, One Particle Zine US Stocks are still in freefall. The only data Wall Street could provide was a gray business man who has broken free from his shell.The data clearly shows that he’s here to save the economy because he’s wearing a $3000 Thom Browne suit and holding a briefcase. President Biden is set to meet with him later today to ask about the contents of his briefcase and whether he has any cool fountain pens in there.

BREAKING NEWS: BLUE GUY IS FUCKING THIS UP FOR ALL OF US!

by Editor, One Particle Zine US stocks are currently being held captive according to data from Wall Street showing a boardroom meeting where the stock market needs a blue puzzle piece to complete the puzzle but a blue naked business guy is refusing to relinquish his piece.

A number of Fortune 500 companies are preparing to send offerings to the meeting in an attempt to curry favor with the blue naked business guy: Apple will gift an iPhone that never dies, has unlimited storage and is 8 feet tall, Walmart exhumed the Rollback smiley face and said the blue naked business guy could go on a date with it, Exxon Mobil offered to cause an oil spill in blue naked business guy’s least favorite ocean. The gray business man missed the meeting because he’s still with Joe Biden trying to explain to him that he is not the grim reaper.

BREAKING NEWS: ORANGE GUYS STOLE THE PUZZLE PIECE FROM BLUE GUY!

by Editor, One Particle Zine

US stocks are poised for an historic rebound after Wall Street released figures today showing the orange naked business guy got fed up with the blue naked business guy and decided to take it old school and beat the shit out of him with the help of his other orange naked business guy friend.

A deeper look at the data shows the orange naked business guys were wailing on the blue naked business guy so hard that he gave them an additional blue puzzle piece.

BREAKING NEWS: GRAPH LOOKING GOOD AGAIN!

by Editor, One Particle Zine

US stocks have fully recovered and quadrupled in money juice. New stock indexes show the green arrow has sprouted legs and is climbing twice as fast. Analysts are pointing to the calf definition of the arrow as a signal of a strong Q4. Based on the data, it’s too early to tell if the arrow is also packing a nice hog, but President Biden is hopeful that as it climbs, we will catch a glimpse.

ENTREPRENEUR TIP 4 kids: The Nirvana Baby had a short money mindset.

Know your worth!

If you’re a baby, don’t jump in that pool for less than 50 dollars!

if I was...director of the CIA I would instruct undercover spies to tell everyone they’re a spy because honesty is the best policy.

A Response to the Union of Concerned Scientists From the Union of Unconcerned Scientists “It’s been almost 33 years since the first [Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change] report was issued. Instead of triggering a global wakeup call to policymakers around the world, global emissions have only increased since then—by a whopping 54%...As a result, limiting warming to 1.5 degrees Celsius or less will, at this point, be exceedingly difficult. But now is not the time—nor will it ever be the time—to throw in the towel. There is simply too much at stake.

-Dr. Kristina Dahl, principal climate scientist at the Union of Concerned Scientists

Whaddup, y’all. Clearly our sister organization, the Union of Concerned Scientists, isn’t taking the whole “IPCC Report that says we basically have to 180 on emissions by 2030 or else water becomes flammable” thing too well. So, we’d like to offer the official Union of Unconcerned Scientists response: “Doesn’t really seem like that a big deal? Sometimes it’s hot, sometimes it’s cold. Let’s go grab a dang beer.”

- Union of Unconcerned Scientists But for those of you who are still afraid humans have created an inescapable hell of their own design, let us put you at ease by looking on the bright side of climate “catastrophe”.

We Don’t Have to Convert Fahrenheit to Celsius This one is a little selfish but man did we hate whipping out a calculator to figure out what the fuck the temp was in Celsius. Thankfully, that’ll be a thing of the past once extreme heat makes all the thermometers explode.

Increased Efficiency On Blunt Rotations As the amount of breathable air depletes, we’re gonna need to smoke smarter, not harder.

Polar Ice Caps Melting Means We Could Probably Get A Grant To Teach Polar Bears to Boogie Board Just because those bears are getting displaced doesn’t mean they can’t look chill as hell while doing it. And since they literally need to be on the boogie boards 24 hours a day to survive, they’ll learn sick tricks like the 360 spin in no time.

Perpetual Heat Waves Will Allow More Opportunities To Recreate The Ice Cube Scene from ‘Do the Right Thing’ Such a sick film, but what we think gets lost in all the meditations on race relations and critiques of police brutality is how rad it would be to rub ice cubes on Rosie Perez.

The Paper The 2015 Paris Agreement Was Printed On Can Get Recycled It’ll be the first successful thing it did for the environment. Small wins.

If Monarch Butterflies Go Extinct, It Lowers The Chance Of Some Dumbass Time Traveler Touching One And Messing Everything Up Seems like a really easy trolley problem to us. Would we rather have a whole species of animal? Or would we like to eliminate the chances of future tornadoes being caused by some bumbling old coot coming back in time to, like, save his wife or whatever.

Increased Flooding Means We Can Finally Debut Our Design for Noah’s Ark 2.0 This thing would be so fucking sick. Here are just a few specs we’ve been kicking around: • Butterfly doors • Candy paint • Push to start • Massage chairs for the ostriches • NOS tank in case we gotta outrun pirates or some shit • Leather interior, obviously (just don’t let the cows see) • Flat screen and a Gamecube for playing Super Smash Bros. Melee • 22 inch chromes

fig 1. Noah’s Ark 2.0 tippin on 44s

thanks 4 reading! written by delmonte bent guest toons on pg 13 by:

alex gonzalez

@one.particle.zine