IS A HOT DOG A SANDWICH?

satirical skit Elena Gilbertson Hall // 12

“ I S A H O T D O G

Debate moderator: And now, the question the American people have been waiting for: is a hot dog a sandwich?

Joe Biden: I’ll tell ya, Americans love hot dogs. White kids love ‘em, poor kids love ‘em. Regular Americans in Rust Belt cities like Milwaukee and Scranton love hot dogs. They love ‘em in Detroit and Baltimore, too. Hot dogs are part of the social fabric of this country, which this President is ripping apart every day.

Kamala Harris: Senator Biden has spoken lovingly of the times 50 years ago when he was a young senator, cooking hot dogs for racist older senators. Joe, those senators wouldn’t have allowed me to eat a hot dog at the same lunch counter as you. Why didn’t you stand up to them?

Beto O’Rourke: No, es un taco.

Pete Buttigieg: No.

Bernie Sanders: What the hell kind of question is that? First of all, of course it’s not a damn sandwich. Second of all, the factory farm industry, which spends millions to advertise on your network, would rather we talk about meaningless crap like this than about their inhumane treatment of animals or the effect of factory hog farms on climate change and water quality in our rural communities.

Elizabeth Warren: Clearly it is not a sandwich, but let’s look at the underlying issues here. I have a policy for major structural changes to our rural economy, including livestock farming.

As President, I will guarantee farmers a fair price, reduce overproduction, and pay farmers for environmental conservation instead of subsidizing industrial agriculture and starving rural communities. I will lead a full-out effort to decarbonize the spark agricultural sector by investing in our farmers and giving them

A SANDWICH?”

the tools, research, and training they need to transform the sector — so that we can achieve the objectives of the Green New Deal to reach net-zero emissions by 2030.

Cory Booker: I’m a vegan #VeggiesAllDay!

Amy Klobuchar: As a Midwesterner, I’ve grown up eating hot dogs at backyard barbecues and seen how a simple meal can bring people together. Whether you believe a hot dog is a sandwich or not, you have a place in my vision for America -- let’s bring people from both sides of the hot dog aisle together.

Marianne Williamson: In every community, there is work to be done; in every nation, there are wounds to heal; in every heart, there is the power to do it. May each of us have the will to reject the things that distract us from healing our wounds with love.

Tulsi Gabbard: I ate a lot of hot dogs in the mess tent during my deployment in Iraq, and that taste of home was a welcome diversion from the horrors of war that our brave service men and women face every day. I think the real question you’re asking is about patriotism, and I commit to bringing a soldier’s sense of service and an undying love of country to the White House.

John Delaney: Yes and no. It’s a complicated question, with people of good faith on both sides. I’m running for President to bring Americans together, not divide them like Donald Trump, and this question. If we are going to get serious about fixing what’s wrong in this country, we don’t have time for radical positions on this or any other question.

Steve Bullock: I come from a state where a lot of people voted for Donald Trump. I’ve won three elections there because I’m an everyday American. I’m a gun owner. I hunt. I grind my own iliad meat and fill my own sausage casings. Thank you.