WSN040115

The NYU News-Free Press

Washington Square Telegraph Vol. 43, No. 32

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2015

nyunews.com

FEATURES

UNIVERSITY AFFAIRS

NYU asks students to ‘Spot’ them

The sun never sets on NYU’s empire

By SASS FAUCET and SWEETLY SO SO Staff Writers

Duke of Oxfordshire Andrew Hamilton in front of his palace. Hamilton is a member of the Queen’s regiment and has set his sights on Bombay.

ARTS

This kid thinks he’s freaking Hemingway

Ernie Miller, a CAS freshman majoring in English, took a long drag from a cigarette while sitting on a stoop a few paces from Brittany Residence Hall. He can usually be found here or curled up with a leather-bound notebook under a sad-looking tree in Washington Square Park.

“I feel like people just don’t get us,” Miller said. “Our generation is so misunderstood. It’s like we’re lost or something.

The professors push us through these progressions, but they stifle our true ability to write.

I want to change American Lit-

INSIDE THIS ISSUE

erature, but this process — this Writing the Essay bull — won’t let me.”

Miller wears his hair slicked back and admires concise language. His shelves are packed with 1930s novels and booze.

“I find myself most productive when I’m belligerently drunk,” Miller said with a Class Activity Board plastic cup martini in hand.

He chuckled to himself before scribbling in his Moleskine notebook, “I’m reckoning.”

His roommate, Stern freshman Gerry Stein, is not so certain of Miller’s genius.

HEMINGWAY continued on PG. 4

WSN STAFF FILE PHOTO

By NORWEGIA CRUISE Staff Writer

NYU hires John Sexton to do impartial review Will he give NYU a favorable rating? Probably.

STORY on PG. 15

NYU administrators gathered outside the Kimmel Center for University Life at 8 a.m. on Tuesday and left after 10 hours of intense fundraising efforts, during which they asked passers-by for donations. The initiative is part of their new “Hey, Can You Spot Me?” campaign, in which NYU administrators are asking anyone they can find to give them money.

Leading the charge was NYU President John Sexton, who kneeled in front of Kimmel and grasped at students’ legs for the duration of the event. He even promised several students he would consider leaving earlier than 2016 if they made a large enough donation.

“I will leave right now if any of you guys give $20,” Sexton said. “I mean seriously, $20 is nothing compared to the huge

SPOTME continued on PG. 3

SPORTS

‘Local’ tipster tells all about Coles

By HOVELS DAMNIT Contributing Writer

The plans for NYU’s new sports facility were revealed on Tuesday by a source who, for the sake of anonymity, wished to be referred to solely as Shallow Throat.

The Coles Sports Center, which previously did not have an official demolition date, is being destroyed at this very moment, said Mr. Throat, who has previously provided reputable information to the National Enquirer and NYU Local.

While the information is not yet available anywhere else, Mr. Throat told WSN through a series of cryptic communiques that the new building will be named the John Sexton Pre-

Memorial Center for Sports and Recreation and Housing.

Construction of the new building, which will replace Coles, is part of NYU 2031, the $6 trillion expansion plan, and being paid for entirely in “Sexton fun-bucks.”

Features of the new building include student housing, revamped sports facilities, a room to house the stress-relief puppies and an empty room without much purpose, which will be built on top of registered parkland.

LS sophomore Nancy Ellington said she is looking forward to some of the changes.

“I think it is good that there will be more dorms, but I think the spiral staircase that leads to nowhere could just be a

Report: NYU school spirit reaches ‘lukewarm’ levels Enthusiasm for NYU at an alltime, unimpressive high.

STORY on PG. 26

waste of space,” Ellington said.

Further details about the new sports amenities were found in a draft of an email that was allegedly to be sent to the NYU community. These include a regulation-size football field and a permanent bouncy house for basketball players to practice in. The email’s subject line was “Placeholder.”

“Don’t send this email, this email is not meant to be sent, none of the information in this email is factual,” the email reads.

Stern sophomore Andrea Carlisle, a member of the Violets’ softball team, said she did not quite understand the choices for the new building.

COLES continued on PG. 8

ILLUSTRATION JOURDAN ENRIQUEZ

EMPIRE continued on PG. 5

PHOTO BY JUANITA GARCIA

STAFF FILE PHOTO BY JONATHAN TAN

As the rising 16th president of NYU, Andrew Hamilton is poised to inherit not only a university, but also a legacy.

NYU President John Sexton, in planting the seeds from which the Global Network University would eventually grow, brought unto our humble institution glory the likes of which no university on this continent has yet seen.

It is fitting, then, that such extracontinental influence would require an extracontinental president, one who can cultivate the branches of our university to reach out, to span the seas and bring unto our homeland exotic students, wild tales and, of course, fabulous riches.

Hamilton’s vision includes the introduction of a

By DOOT DOOT DOO-DOO Staff Writer

Opinion: Satirical papers are not funny People who make them should be ashamed.

STORY on PG. 9

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WASHINGTON SQUARE TELEGRAPH | WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2015 | NYUNEWS.COM

COPY

EDITED BY LOLSY MADGE COPY@NYUNEWS.CO.UK

how to

—

Use Punctuation

The punctuation listed here too confusing?

Need to connect two thoughts? Put an em dash in. It’s probably right.

EM DASHES

!

If you’re using this, you best be literally yelling and jumping up and down, because otherwise this is just unacceptable.

While commas are the most common punctuation, somehow everyone still manages to get to them wrong. Commas represent a “pause” in a sentence, so if you are reading a sentence and you feel yourself pausing, maybe put in a comma. Unless it doesn’t belong there, like before the “and” in a list. That’s an Oxford comma, and it’s wrong. Still don’t understand? Read a book, then.

;

-

.

To know when to use a hyphen is to have a gut feeling, built up over years of practice, guilt and internal tears. Don’t try. Leave it to us.

HYPHENS If you don’t know how to use semicolon at this point in your life, then maybe just don’t use them. Like semicolons, there is no use for you.

SEMICOLONS

AMPERSANDS

Why would you even think of using this ever. Seriously, it’s been done and it went about as well as you’d think. Ampersands are awful, they’re disturbed, twisted, perverted little punctuation marks that writhe and squirm beneath the sterile surgical light, a dried and crumpled worm burrowing deep, deep into my eyes and oh god, can you see them? please tell me you can see them, don’t leave me alone in this prison, when I close my eyes it just burns and burns, there is no rest in the cover of the inky black, I can hear it, taste the iron oxide punctuation mark ampersand why god damn you why god damn you wh —

JUANITA GARCIA Managing Editor

THOAMS DEBBY Assistant Managing Editor

JOSH ANDROS Digital Director

YUEHAI BRUH OLIVE MARTINI Creative Director

TEEBABY deputy ALI SOCAL Copy Chief

LOLSY MADGE deputy SASS FAUCET Multimedia

UNCLE LIGHTNIN’ photo CAM LIONZI video JOHN CALVIN deputy photo NYAN KING, ROALD DAHL deputy video ATHEIST PIANO

SENIOR STAFF

news LANNA DEL BAE, DOOTDOOTDOODO features HAZER NAMING arts OIL SPIEL sports FABRIC BURLINGTON senior editors LARLAR BINKS, CHRISSY

WARMBUN, FLIP OF THE SICKLE, FRANKLIN PIGHANDS, FIE JUBILEE

DEPUTY STAFF

They end sentences, shithead, don’t screw this up.

PERIODS

‽

Editor-in-Chief

Creative Director, Special Editions

COMMAS

EXCLAMATION POINTS

&

,

Copy editors are the unsung heroes of the newspaper. While we read and edit every article, we are not usually given the chance to speak for ourselves. Washington Square News hopes to change that, and so today we introduce our Copy section, where we humble folk have a chance to write about the things that matter to us. Today, we will start with just a few pointers on how to use punctuation.

WASHINGTON SQUARE TELEGRAPH

news BAY AREA features ANG NINJA beauty & style FIFI LOUHOO dining BECKY MYSTERY film BANJOES ISLE entertainment DEAD GURNEY music EL BRUJO LOCO theater/books NUCLEAR CONIFER sports HELL TURKEY

OPINION PAGE opinion editor

SWEETLY SO SO deputy opinion editors

HONE CANINE, SMOOCH STALLION, TATTLE ME SHREWS

BLOGS

GodDAMN you.

INTERROBANG

editor BLIMEY LEL exposure ANNUAL HUH violet vision GALLERY TOWER the highlighter YELLOW SHARPIE under the arch BECALM SOME global DINA REZNECK

ADVERTISING BUSINESS MANAGER

ROGER STERLING UNIVERSITY SALES RELATIONS

JOHN SLATTS

SNAPSHOT

TODAY ON CAMPUS

SALES MANAGER

DON DRAPER SALES REPRESENTATIVES

PETE CAMPBELL, HARRY CRANE

Panel on the Future of Panels A panel will be held on the future of panels, with panelists from around the world who are experts in think tanks, committees and wood paneling. The event will be held at 5 p.m. on LL3 of Bobst Library.

Tisch Business Show In reaction to the Stern Art Show, the Tisch School of the Arts will be showing that their students have multiple talents. The show, which features accounting and stock brokering, will be in either Tisch Hall or the Tisch Building at 6 p.m.

SALES ASSOCIATES

PEGGY OLSON, LANE PRICE GRAPHIC DESIGNER

STAN RIZZO CIRCULATION MANAGER

BERTRAM COOPER CIRCULATION ASSISTANTS

TED CHAOUGH, KEN COSGROVE

ADVISING DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS

PATRON SAINT NANCI EDITORIAL ADVISER

Liberal Arts Major Job Fair

Oh wait, don’t use this one. It’s the inside of my lens cap.

SNAPSHOT BY CAM LIONZI

If you are majoring in liberal arts, come down to the job fair, featuring a range of exciting career prospects including barista, toll booth worker and head barista. The fair will be held in Starbucks @ Faye’s from noon until whenever.

TODAY’S EVENTS ARE FREE FOR NYU STUDENTS.

GOT SOMETHING TO SHARE? EMAIL US AT TIPS@NYUNEWS.COM OR TWEET US @NYUNEWS.

ATHENA HOLLIDAY SMITH EDITORS-AT-LARGE

TATS BAEZ, NICKY BRWON, A. HAMBURGER, KILO MCDONALD, MR. MELENDREZ About WSN: Washington Square News (ISSN 15499389) is the student newspaper of New York University. WSN is published Monday through Thursday during NYU’s academic year, except for university holidays, vacations and exam periods.

Corrections: WSN is committed to accurate reporting. When we make errors, we do our best to correct them as quickly as possible. If you believe we have erred, contact the managing editors at managing@nyunews.com or at 212.998.4302.

Sexton to throw rager on Fire Island for NYUAD laborers

By JOSH ANDROS Staff Writer

In recognition of laborers’ hard work at the new Abu Dhabi campus, NYU President John Sexton has invited 300 of the migrant construction workers to vacation with him at his Fire Island summer home.

“NYU has given me so much: a generous salary, the $1 million loan for this sweet-ass house, my son’s Law School suite and countless other forms of financial compensation,” Sexton said.

“This is my way of giving back to the people who have made all that possible.”

Sexton added that between this party and all the hugs he gives out, he figures “they’re pretty much even.” The event, which Sexton is calling “The First Annual Let’s Let Bygones Be BBQs Bash” is being described as “bitchin’” by Sexton. Responding to claims that the whole

affair was a cynical and misguided attempt to score a public relations victory, Sexton said he decided to throw the party for purely personal reasons.

“The whole Human Rights Watch report thing really killed my vibe,” Sexton said, referring to the report which first brought the abuses to light. “And when I’m feeling down, you know I gots to throw me a rager.”

Sexton added that the decision to invite the NYUAD workers to the party was also not an attempt to repair his fractured public image, but simply a way to show his “closest compadres” a good time.

“I know these people by name,” Sexton said. “They’re my friends.

It’s only right that these people, my bros, can come and party with me whenever they want.”

It was revealed through e-vite that the workers would be able to “enjoy the milliondollar views, hit the beach or

SPOTME continued from PG. 1

GRAPHIC BY JUANITA GARCIA

Students: ‘Wow, the administration seems really desperate’

tuition all of you pay.”

For his contribution to the campaign, NYU chairman of the board Martin Lipton dressed up in an Elmo costume and bullied tourists in Times Square. Lipton raised $17.60.

Earlier in the week, students were alarmed at the sight of text alerts from NYU threatening the closure of the university if they did not make a donation by the end of the month. CAS senior John Saver said he is not willing to give any more money to NYU, even if it is for a good cause.

“I think it’s kind of pathetic that NYU is chasing students around for money while they’re in school,” Saver said. “I don’t think I can afford to donate to this considering the cost of my student loans.”

However, some students were sympathetic to the fundraising efforts made by the university.

Gallatin junior Nick Papadopoulos said he gave Sexton the $5 he had in his wallet after Sexton gave him a hug and started crying in his arms.

“I was touched by Sexton’s gesture — and a little concerned for his well being,” Papadopou-

los said. “I would say it was worth my five bucks.”

Professors also had trouble teaching their students when administrators entered their classrooms without prior notice.

NYU professor Mike Jones said he was shocked to see five administrators walk into his class holding purple piggy banks, but that he would consider pitching in.

“I don’t mind giving away part of my already modest salary,” Jones said. “I mean sure, my kids can’t afford to come here, but why shouldn’t others?”

SPS freshman Mary Harris, who was scheduled to take a midterm at 3:30 p.m., said the door to her classroom was locked and covered by big sign saying there would be no reason to go to class if the university did not reach its fundraising goal.

“Times seem tight — but I guess they know what they’re doing,” Harris said. “I mean I can’t imagine that they’re misusing any of their profits.”

Email Doot Doot Doo-Doo at news@nyunews.co.uk.

NYUNEWS.COM | WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2015 | WASHINGTON SQUARE TELEGRAPH

just chill.”

One of the workers who was invited to the celebration, Azzam Shakar, had questions about the sincerity of Sexton’s intentions.

“They spelled my name wrong on the invitation and they made it clear that they wouldn’t be paying for any travel expenses,” Shakar said. “Stuff like that makes me wonder if I’m as close to Sexton as he insists I am.”

However, Shakar admitted that the prospect of taking a break from his grueling, 75-hour work week was very appealing.

“I guess I would like to get away from the 15 guys in the shack I live in for a weekend,” Shakar said. “And hey, I hear the police in the U.S. don’t maim and deport people for trying to unionize, so that’s a plus.”

In his e-vite, Sexton said he hoped everyone would

3

GRAPHIC BY JUANITA GARCIA

John Sexton invited workers to his massive party on Fire Island. show up.

“I encourage all my homies to stop by,” Sexton said. “Admission is only $78,000 — more than fair for the caliber of fiesta we’re talking about.”

At press time, more than 200 workers have responded to the

invitation, saying that while they’d love to come, they will be unable to leave work as their passports are still being held by their employers.

Email Josh Andros at news@nyunews.co.uk.

WSN expands readership beyond staff

By JUANITA GARCIA Staff Writer

Washington Square News announced on Tuesday that its readership is officially larger than its staff, following a dramatic increase in readers from 50 to 51 people.

WSN’s new reader is Austin O’Neill, a Steinhardt sophomore who picked up a copy on Monday afternoon to shield himself from the rain on his walk home.

“Honestly, I didn’t even realize we had a newspaper,” O’Neill said. “I was glad there were so many copies of it, because I really didn’t want to get wet.”

The news of another reader caused a stir in the WSN newsroom, with several editors finally feeling like their time spent in the office was worthwhile. Digital Director Hannah Treasure immediately alerted Twitter followers of the new reader.

“This is huge for us, it’s really a stepping stone in growing our brand,” Treasure said. “I told our followers on twitter.com as soon as we got confirmation that a student had picked up our paper.”

Editor-in-Chief Valentina Bojanini said this was the high-

STAFF PHOTO BY UNCLE LIGHTNIN’

WSN reader Austin O’Neill enjoying his new favorite paper.

light of her time working at the paper.

“I just feel like all the hours we spend here and the lack of sleep is worth it now that someone is reading our paper,” Bojanini said. “It’s great that someone else will finally get to see all of our hard work.”

Managing Editor Thomas Devlin said he was surprised someone else picked up a copy of the newspaper, but he said he is skeptical about the new reader continuing to read WSN. “My dad stopped reading it after the initial excitement about my job here wore off,” Devlin said. “He gave up after a week, so I hope this guy lasts longer.”

In an effort to retain readership, several members of the editorial team invited O’Neill for a tour of the office. O’Neill, who was lured to the office under the promise of pizza, said the offices were bleak and depressing.

“I tripped on a person when I walked into the office, some kid fell asleep on his way to get water,” O’Neill said. “It

was really depressing, a lot of people were crying. I’m not sure why people stay there.”

The staff toured O’Neill through several rooms, some with tables and empty chairs, others with only filing cabinets and office supplies. O’Neill was unimpressed.

“These people are just real weird,” O’Neill said. “I think they might be in a cult. I definitely have a less positive opinion of them after actually meeting them.”

In recognition of his dedicated readership, they offered him a guest editor-in-chief position for a week, and asked to take his photo for a full page advertisement that would run for the following month.

“I said no,” O’Neill said.

O’Neill added that he has no plans to pick up any more copies of the Washington Square News.

“I guess if it rains again, and I leave my umbrella at home, then maybe,” O’Neill said.

Email Juanita Garcia at news@nyunews.co.uk.

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WASHINGTON SQUARE TELEGRAPH | WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2015 | NYUNEWS.COM

ARTS

EDITED BY OIL SPIEL ARTS@NYUNEWS.CO.UK

Genius Tisch student turns life into performance art

By AUD DEL REY Staff Writer

Framed by the leaves of a nearby tree, Amos Ryan performed the first act of his ongoing performance art series on March 31. Ryan opened the act of his performance by drawing up the blinds of his sixth floor dormitory in the Second Street Residence Hall. Though viewers might find this piece, “We Watch You Sleep,” hard to see from the street, Ryan performs all his motions with subdued pizzazz.

Students have observed Tisch senior Amos Ryan perform every day throughout his four-year long senior thesis. As part of a performance art series known as “Mundanity: The Insanity of the Mundane,” Ryan demonstrates to students and passersby the fleeting quality of life and the difficulties of growing up.

In “Who Even Are You?” the next act of his 80,743 piece series, Ryan walks from his dormitory to the Silver Center for Arts and Science, yelling at the audience to stop following him.

“I don’t understand why you’re bothering me,” Ryan said. “For

the last time, I’m a performance major in Tisch — not a performance art major. I don’t even think performance art is a major here.”

Ryan’s genius is clearly beyond even his own comprehension.

He then walked up to the Silver doors and the piece truly came to life. Ryan contemplated the musty off-gold and germ-laden handle and pulled open the door with visible strength — sweat visible on his furrowed brow.

The audience behind Ryan waited with bated breath for the doors to open. When the doors finally did open, the moment lasted briefly and disappeared.

This piece is a testament to the difficulty in obtaining higher education and the transiency of pause.

Perhaps the most striking in Ryan’s series was his masterwork, “This is the Men’s Restroom!” Using soap, water and paper towels, Ryan demonstrated, in front of an intimate audience, the frighteningly short amount of time students spend washing their hands. Doctors and health physicians recommend about seven seconds of rinsing, but

Ryan, in this defiant work of art, only spent six heartbeats in front of the Bobst LL1 sink. The exclusivity of this piece raised questions about gender inequality and masculinity, turning the mirror of society upon the audience. Ryan suggests that this reading was intentional, capping the piece by shouting, “What are you doing in here? This is the men’s restroom.”

Truly, Ryan is verbalizing society’s Foucauldian fears about sexuality.

We may never fully understand the thought process behind Ryan’s artwork, but as art observers we can siphon a bit of humanity from this demonstration of creativity. As for the future, Ryan already is already pursuing his next innovative performance, “Restraining Order.” In this work, Ryan intends to bar the audience from observing him as a way to make a statement about the oppression of the rule of law.

“Mundanity: The Insanity of the Mundane” runs for the rest of Ryan’s life.

Email Aud Del Rey at arts@nyunews.co.uk

HEMINGWAY continued from PG. 1

Freshman claims kinship with dead alcoholic

“I’m sure he’s intelligent,” Stein said. “I just don’t think it’s constructive to get wasted on a Tuesday night while scribbling World War I stories and muttering ‘that’s so meta’ before passing out on his desk. And he sometimes uses a pipe to smoke.

Like, what the hell?”

Despite persisting doubts about whether or not his visions are produced by creative ingenuity or absinthe, Miller is confident in his work.

“The goal is to write the next Great American Novel,” Miller said. “We are children of the Internet age — the 404 Not Found Generation — and this generation’s upbringing has torn us from the rest of society. We are trying to make sense of it all.

Nothing makes sense. It’s almost a violent misunderstanding, like a symbolic war has occurred. I want to chronicle that out.”

Equally important aspirations include “hooking up with Tisch

STAFF PHOTO BY CAM LIONZI

Ernie Miller can’t write without whiskey and Mercer Street. girls, getting a Nobel Prize in Literature and maybe doing the Writers in Paris summer program.” Miller often finds parallels between his Writing the Essay section and Parisian writing salons that housed American novelists in the 1920s. He loves his professor and always tells his friends how enlightening the classes are, even though he rarely goes to them.

“Ernie is a little pretentious, to be honest,” his professor Mark Davis confessed. “He’s decent, but I wouldn’t recommend him for Mercer Street or share his work with my colleagues out of pride. I just wish that he’d show up to class without smelling like last night’s Two Buck Chuck.”

“See, our elders just don’t see it,” Miller said when presented with his professor’s comments.

“And I think that my stuff is way better than that Mercer Street crap.”

Fueled by high-functioning, low-level alcoholism, Miller believes that his new book, which is about a group of Americans roaming around Europe after World War I, will reveal the conflicting identities that make up this generation.

“Let me be clear: my book is not ‘The Sun Also Rises,’” Miller said. “Hemingway has always been an idol and inspiration, but I would never try to imitate his legacy. Still, his life wouldn’t be that bad to have.”

At press time, Miller was trying to imagine what bullfights are like.

Email Norwegia Cruise at arts@nyunews.co.uk.

PHOTO BY JUANITA GARCIA

The debut EP of the influential band Mountain Whisper.

CAS junior never even HEARD of Mountain Whisper

By OIL SPIEL Staff Writer

Mountain Whisper, the threepiece shoegraze, glo-fi band, made waves during a period of time between mid 2009 and late 2009. The band is mostly recognized for their singles “If Everybody In The World Dropped Out of School We Would Have a More Intelligent Society” and “I Don’t Know If Last Night Was A Dream Or Not” off of their five-song EP, “How Can Our Mirrors Be Real If Our Eyes Aren’t Real.” Despite the fame Mountain Whisper earned throughout their storied career, predominantly due to their extensive social media efforts on MySpace, Carter Morgan, a junior in the College of Arts and Science, has never heard of them.

“I can honestly say that I have never heard of or listened to Mountain Whisper; I don’t really keep up much with new music,” Morgan said. “I’m a pre-med major, so most of my time is spent in Bobst, trying to figure out organic chemistry.”

Despite this, one must ask if it is really possible for her to have not once heard of the band.

During Mountain Whisper’s enormously influential run, the three-piece was featured on music blogs such as “Beware of the Blog” and “Such Loud Noise,” establishing its position as one of the preeminent bands of the decade. The band paved the way for future glo-fi and shoegraze acts to develop, including Yellow Ostrich, ZAZA and The Prids, who credit Mountain Whisper as their main influences. Glo-fi artists, including Neon Indian and

Idiot Glee, also cite them as a major influence. Despite the immense popularity that Mountain Whisper garner in the glo-fi and shoegraze communities, Morgan still could not draw a connection to knowing about the band. It is almost as if he lives under a rock.

“I like rock music, some rap too,” Morgan said, spewing words from his big, dumb face.

“I mean from time to time I listen to my hometown’s college radio station. Usually when I’m home for break and need to drive somewhere.”

Since their breakup in 2010, Mountain Whisper has become one of the most important groups ever to come from the New York area — maybe even the world — making it even more difficult to understand how Morgan has not heard of the band, as he is a native New Yorker.

“I guess I just have more important priorities in my life right now,” Morgan said. “Isn’t being really into music is kind of high school anyway?”

Clearly Morgan’s priorities are different — one might even say wrong. Either way, given the news that Mountain Whisper will be reuniting for a one-night stint at the Knitting Factory, it is doubtful that Morgan will be able to avoid the band’s popularity for much longer, and it is unbelievable that he could in the first place.

When asked for what his favorite band was, Morgan said “I dunno, maybe Hozier?” Talk about unbelievable.

Email Oil Spiel at arts@nyunews.co.uk

NYUNEWS.COM | WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2015 | WASHINGTON SQUARE TELEGRAPH

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FEATURES

EDITED BY HAZER NAMING FEATURES@NYUNEWS.CO.UK

Best options for entertaining out of town guests

By BRUSSEL RAND Staff Writer

We get it. It’s April. You’ve seen all the great stuff in New York.

Central Park, Empire State Building, it’s all passe to you now.

However, upon further inspection, New York City never runs out of surprises for the attentive eye. Check out this list for some of New York City’s hidden gems to hit up this weekend.

Manhattan Document Destruction Remember when you were little and your parents would tell you bedtime stories about magical lands where all the paper in the whole world would be shredded when people were done using it? Where Paper Elves would throw huge piles of paper into

big machines to be turned into slightly smaller pieces of paper? Until now, you probably just thought it was all some old wive’s tale. However, this magical place that you once thought only exists in your dreams was real. Manhattan Document Destruction is an almost mystical place where documents of all kinds are thrown into paper shredders: newspapers, photos, official government documents, all come to their resting place in this childhood memory. If you want a real nostalgia trip, check this place out.

Oppenheimer Laboratory (Abandoned) Many people aren’t aware of the fact that famous scientist J. Robert Oppenheimer had a small laboratory functioning in

the East Village, and fewer know that it’s still there. One of the few East Village locations untouched by recent waves of gentrification, Oppenheimer Labs is a one of a kind. However, after a mass accident in 1943 that left unhealthy amounts of radiation throughout the interior of the building, the the lab has since been closed and visitors are only allowed in for short amounts of time for safety reasons.

EDIT: Since the writing of this article, Oppenheimer Laboratory has been bought out by NYU as part of the 2031 Expansion plan. Work on the “Oppenheimer Laboratory Memorial Dormitory” for first year students will begin this fall.

Carl’s House Remember

Carl?

That

guy

Stern student starts business

Dan’s Bowling Alley Looking for an old fashioned game of bowling after a long

week of work? Before 2005, Dan’s Bowling Alley was the place to go. With old neon lights, a bar and a built in pizzeria, Dan’s was a staple of old Manhattan culture. Unfortunately, Dan’s has since been renovated into a clothing department store, but who’s to say the fun has to end? Fans of Dan’s, often referred to as “Danny’s Devils,” often go into the department store and roll bowling balls around on the floor and play a traditional game of bowling with clothing racks, shelves, and sometimes customers. Better polish your ball and strap on your shin guards before you head down to Dan’s, because you’re gonna need it.

Email Brussel Rand at features@nyunews.co.uk.

EMPIRE continued from PG. 1

NYU changes motto to “For Queen, Country and Global Network University”

By LOLSY MADGE Staff Writer

Stern junior Chris Gordon is heading up a new business venture called Producing Ostentatious Networth from Zero International, a startup aimed at connecting young entrepreneurs. What started with nobody — the “zero” — has become a rapidly expanding network of business students who can use their connections with each other to land jobs in the future. The company is accumulating high profits thanks to what Gordon calls “the triangle of power,” built by NYU students who act as sales representatives and investors.

Gordon, who is working toward his B.S. in marketing and finance, said he did not just have profits in mind when he started the enterprise — merely wanted a tool for his fellow business students to expand their sales expertise.

“I really saw a need for my classmates to get that practical experience of selling directly to customers, so our model is all about getting other students involved,” Gordon said. “We’re selling an idea to students, for students.”

Stern students can join Gordon’s network of sales representatives by paying periodic nominal fees. In keeping with the startup’s goal of building sales expertise, they earn a bonus for every new student they recruit

who used to sit behind you in freshman bio? He lives in Manhattan now. Sure, you haven’t spoken to him since graduation and you guys were never really that close but, when in Rome, right? Maybe stop by, ask him how he’s been doing, stay for a beer or two, and try to maintain a normal conversation to disguise the painful awkwardness of the situation.

Ask him things like “How are the kids?” or “So what do you do these days?” Carl usually leaves the house by 3:00 to pick up his children from school and sometimes has poker nights on Tuesdays so you better reserve a spot early.

GRAPHIC BY JUANITA GARCIA

Gordon’s business plan relies on his “Triangle of Power.” to join the team.

“It was important to me that there was an incentive to get others to join in,” Gordon said.

“The idea is that every guy gets two other guys to get involved with the team.”

Professor Jen Castillo, who taught Gordon in her Business at the Top of the Pyramid class last semester, said she was impressed with his skills as a developing businessman and is looking forward to seeing how his business will fare over time.

“Gordon excels at the head of a team,” Castillo said. “He’s got a dynamic personality and great persuasive skills, so it’s only fitting that he could develop this company that, while still small, has grown exponentially in membership. I’m curious to see how this success will be sustained.”

This quickly expanding network is mostly made up of freshmen, as Gordon said their relative inexperience drives them to succeed. One such student is Stern freshman Josh Sanger, who said the business model seems like a good idea for college students in need of some extra money on a

flexible schedule.

“When Chris came up to me during Welcome Week and told me about his company, I knew I had to get skin in the game,” Sanger said. “NYU is really expensive, so the idea that I could make enough money from my dorm to go on spring break in less than a semester was hard to say no to.”

Sanger added that, although he is still waiting to receive some of the recruitment reimbursement, he has faith in Gordon’s ability to deliver.

“I heard he’s moving into a penthouse next semester, so the business is obviously lucrative,” Sanger said. “I’m not worried — he clearly knows what he’s doing.”

Gordon said although he has enjoyed his startup’s success, he plans on pursuing a career on Wall Street after graduation.

“At PONZI, we’re dedicated to making money by connecting young entrepreneurs,” Gordon said. “I can see the triangle of power bringing in profits for a long time to come.”

Email Lolsy Madge at features@nyunews.co.uk.

Division I cricket team, subduing Canada and a new global centre in Bombay, India. Rumours have circulated that the future president has already formed an exploratory committee inside the country, the East India Academics Company. Changes are also on the horizon for the Washington Square campus. In an effort to incorporate the New York site into his empire, Hamilton has announced new names for many NYU institutions and buildings. The Silver Center for Arts & Science is set to become the Silver Centre of Science, while the Stern School of Business will become the Margaret Thatcher School of the London School of Economics.

Stoking the fires of speculation and anticipation was Hamilton’s appointment of Rudyard Kipling’s corpse as the new president of international outreach. In a press release, Kipling expressed his pleasure with NYU’s past actions, particularly her defence of the 2031 expansion and her smashing of community dissent.

“It was a bit like crushing those rowdy Irishmen,” Kipling said, referring to the British suppression of the Irish Republican Army in 1921. “Just give those lads a little rap on the knuckles, a reminder of who the real masters are, and it’ll set them straight. Really, we were doing them a favour.”

Hope remains high among the

advisory board that university morale will rise as a result of these new developments, thereby rousing the passion of the masses and letting them forget the crushing burden of their student debt.

“It’s about going out there and bringing home the glory, doing the king, I mean president, proud and experiencing that heartfelt connexion with the school, that’s what’ll matter to them,” Kipling said. “When we return bearing those glorious tonnes of gold and silver, when they sip from our wonderful new bounty of Argo Tea, they’ll remember what we’re really fighting for.”

With her global reach and an army of investors at her disposal, NYU is uniquely prepared to bring enlightenment to the dimmest reaches of the earth. Where our rivals flounder when managing within their borders, NYU will bring even the remotest savage regions under her dominion. When we have illuminated even the furthest reaches of the globe, when we have brought unto them a well-rounded liberal arts education as Prometheus brought the flame unto man, her torch will shine over all nations. With the advent of the reign of Hamilton, the sun shall never set over the global network.

Email the features team at features@nyunews.co.uk.

6

WASHINGTON SQUARE TELEGRAPH | WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2015 | NYUNEWS.COM

HAPPY APRIL FOOLS FROM WASHINGTON SQUARE NEWS

The New York Times Syndication Sales Corporation

Eighth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10018 THE620For NEW TIMES CROSSWORD & DAILY SUDOKU InformationYORK Call: 1-800-972-3550 For Release Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Crossword ACROSS 1 Part of “rico” or “roja” 8 Lives in a cell?

14 Like the praying mantis, anatomically [weird, but true] 16 Goofs 17 Guaranteed to succeed 18 Covets 19 Bit of smoke 21 1,000 kilogrammes 22 Midwest capital #1 28 Take on 29 Many radio songs after Thanksgiving 30 Think up 32 Where to find some very sick individuals, for short 33 U.F.O. shape 37 Midwest capital #2

40 Samberg DOWN formerly of 1 Mythical “S.N.L.” bird with an 41 “So ___ me” enormous 42 In a way wingspan 43 Like early visitors 2 Lead-in to date to modern Nova or dare Scotia 3 Spy novelist 45 Illustration on many a birth Deighton announcement 4 Chair umpire’s 46 Midwest capital call #3 5 Suffix with arbor 51 Location for patient 6 Be overwhelmed information 7 Terminate a 52 Wee bit contract … or 53 Junta, e.g. extend it 55 Carpal tunnel 8 First prez to syndrome preventer sport a beard 61 Flabbergasts 9 Their days are 62 Stellar student’s numbered boast 10 Final stanza in a 63 Group of people poem living together 11 Life form 64 What a yellow flag may signify 12 Sports venue 13 German steel city

ANSWER TO PREVIOUS PUZZLE B L E E P B L A H Z I N G

L A N A I

A N D R E

S C U L L E R E R A D Y G E E N S A N E M A X O S E R A D

S U E N E D S S U I K E N A I J A N E M C A B U N U B S L A A T N O T R

S C A N

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H O R A S R E O L L I N O W N S T O O M P C O V I E D A T A S T E K Y E

15 Midwest capital #4

O P U S

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23 Computer extra

L E N O S

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20 Musical composition 22 Boxer Ali

Edited by Will Shortz 1

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PUZZLE BY MICHAEL SHTEYMAN

33 Game of motor 39 Jack’s love in “Titanic” precision that, strangely enough, 43 Eggnog is often played ingredient while inebriated 44 Catch 34 Playground retort 46 “Get lost!”

35 Women’s tennis garment

47 Principal melody

48 Polytheistic 36 “The Trial” author 49 Trevor of the 24 Constantly N.B.A. 38 Paavo ___, the Flying Finn of 50 Like Little Red 25 Constantly 1920s Olympics Riding Hood daydreaming, say

27 Black suit

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54 Las Vegas-toAustin dir.

56 V.I.P. on the Hill: Abbr.

57 Singing syllable 58 Hang out, with “around” 59 F.B.I. employee: Abbr.

60 Susan of old TV’s “The Partridge Family”

Online subscriptions: Today’s puzzle and more than 7,000 past puzzles, nytimes.com/crosswords ($39.95 a year).

Read about and comment on each puzzle: nytimes.com/wordplay.

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Read us online: nyunews.com

NYUNEWS.COM | WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2015 | WASHINGTON SQUARE TELEGRAPH

7

OPINION

EDITED BY SWEETLY SOSO OPINION@NYUNEWS.CO.UK

FINANCES STAFF EDITORIAL

NYU must divest from scholarships

By SMOOCH STALLION Staff Writer

Weathering court battles and criticism from both students and faculty, John Sexton has led NYU through thick and thin over the last 16 years.

The 15th president of NYU oversaw initiatives that drew criticism and pesky court battles. It is imperative that incoming President Andy Hamilton aggressively pursues a new course of action that puts NYU’s global network university back where it belongs, ahead of student scholarships.

Currently, $240 million is tied up in undergraduate financial aid, with more money funneled into scholarships each year. NYU, which was recently ranked as America’s largest vacation home mortgage lender, must not lose sight of its ultimate goal of becoming the universe’s largest university — it must not let students slow them down. University administrators have lost focus in recent years, but it remains feasible to return to the 2012 golden age when the Princeton Review ranked NYU number one in the “Financial Aid Not So Great” category.

While the Class of 2019 are still salivating over their acceptance letters,

Andy must take direct control over where the money goes and divest from financial aid. The money previously earmarked for student scholarships could then be used for NYU 2031 expansion plans, which Sexton was not pursuing fast enough.

The question of divesting is obviously a contentious issue, with finance and morals seemingly at odds with one another. However, Hamilton must not let student criticism blind him to the needs of this great institution. Andy must choose correctly between what is right and what is easy, and reclaim money previously allocated to the students who merely slow us down from achieving our dreams.

Ornery professors who get themselves barred from entering countries where NYU enjoys a financially prudent relationship with Emirati rulers must be ignored. Hamilton cannot

lose sight of what is important: universal expansion. A combative, attentionseeking faculty is ultimately a ruinous distraction from NYU’s core aims of protecting its workers across the globe and academic freedom. According to sources close to the president, Sexton harbors ambitions to teach his seminar, Baseball As a Road to God, on every continent before the age of 80.

Hamilton must not let him down.

Divestiture has long been a tool of activism and NYU would do well to copy these tactics as they seek to fulfill this long-held ambition. In the fall, NYU put together a Financial Aid Divestment Working Group to weigh the benefits and drawbacks of putting student scholarships as the primary goal of the university. Given that a similar committee declined to recommend divestment from fossil fuel funds, NYU could make up for it by not funding scholarships. Hamilton must prove to the NYU community and the Board of Trustees that he has NYU’s best interests at heart and make divesting a top priority when he joins NYU next January.

Email Smooch Stallion at opinion@nyunews.co.uk.

JOURNALISM

Opinions, editorials too subjective

By TATTLE ME SHREWS Staff Writer

Opinion pieces published by journalism outlets are like the last 0.1 percent of bacteria that Purell does not kill. Editorials are bastions of belief that stain the purity of any newspaper with an unwillingness to let the cold hard facts silence the shaky ideas that are opinions. News must stand on its own, and those who wish to criticize administrators or politicians must first earn their own soapbox. At WSN, opinions have been allowed to live on, snatching credibility from the real journalists.

It has become nearly impossible for anyone to take the rest of the paper seriously with the opinion pieces mixed in. These subjective scoundrels need to be cordoned off, distinguished from the rest of the group.

A purely objective article cannot exist in peace when there is subjectivity lurking on the next page — it is inhumane. WSN can try to cover its trail with their new online disclaimer that reminds us “opinions expressed on the editorial pages are not necessarily those of WSN, and the publication of opinions is not an

SUBMITTING TO

endorsement of them,” but faithful readers know that these opinionated writers are whispering into the ear of the real journalists, infecting their facts with some feeling.

Online commenters have finally spoken out against these evildoers that dare to call themselves journalists. These brave souls risked life and limb commenting on these pieces, pointing out what everybody else was too scared to say: “I’m honestly appalled that this one-sided approach can be presented in my school’s own newspaper, even as an opinion piece,” said one commenter, responding to an article in support of Israel. Anonymous was right, what gives a school newspaper the right to give a platform to a student’s opinion? Non-universally held beliefs should not be verbalized, let alone given access to WSN’s

massive readership.

Another commenter, Sam, felt similarly. Responding, to an Editorial Board piece he wrote, “This article is nuts . . . What happened to objective reporting?” Sam is dead on.

People with opinions are just cherrypicking facts from the real story and convoluting the truth. Nothing can be fully explained in 450 words, and thus nothing should be. All opinion pieces do is try to sway people’s beliefs in one direction or another by stringing facts together willy-nilly. Facts are not macaroni on a preschooler’s bespoke necklace, they cannot be strung together like that. It is criminal.

Newspapers have to purify their content in order to annihilate these opinions. WSN will not be taken seriously until it realizes that opinions are ruining real stories. Keep to the facts when writing articles, and people will not be swindled into seeing something from a new perspective.

Do the math. Eliminate the opinion section. It is like the old quote says: “There is no such thing as subjective journalism.”

Email Tattle Me Shrews at opinion@nyunews.co.uk.

Andrew Hamilton must continue hugging legacy

By J-SEX APPRECIATION CLUB Outgoing NYU President John Sexton’s most lasting impact on the university will not be his NYU 2031 expansion plan, the over $18,000 per year increase in tuition since 2002 or controversial satellite campuses in Abu Dhabi and Shanghai. It will be his hugs. These decidedly not-weird embraces have comforted many students over the years as they sobbed over mounting debt, and they continue to inspire long after their warmth has diminished. The next NYU president, Andrew Hamilton, should strive to portray a similar level of empathy toward students and emulate this successful style.

As a scientist, Hamilton is surely well aware of the positive impact physical contact can have on brain chemistry. Sexton was ahead of the research on the significant effects of hugging, but a recent study from the Centre of Behavioural Biochemistry at Oxford co-authored by Hamilton has supported his strategy. It found that hugging students resulted in a 93 percent increase in tolerance for tuition hikes. There is speculation that this study is what originally brought Hamilton to the attention of the Presidential Search Committee.

It would be understandable if Hamilton wanted to implement a unique public relations strategy. He has many options for an alternative approach to invade students’ personal space, ranging from a pat on the head to awkward back rubs to a pat on the bum. Chest bumps may increase his popularity among sports teams, and fist bumps could be used to relate to fraternity brothers. If Hamilton would like to improve campus community life, he could start massage trains or conga lines around Washington Square Park or teach incoming freshmen a new super secret handshake at the Welcome Week Presidential Welcome. Adding a kiss on each cheek to the hugging routine could bring some much-needed European culture to campus.

Another critical part of relating to students is a personable nickname, like J-Sex. Hamilton has managed to keep quiet his formal title, The Duke of Oxfordshire, but an American alternative is a must. Hamilton, of course, cannot copy the J-Sex pattern unless he wants to be named after a popular deli meat. He has taken a step in the right direction by calling himself Andy in a recent email to the NYU community. Andy seems like a wise choice, tapping into many students’ childhood memories of Toy Story. Other nicknames could reference his British roots or his background in science. Professor X, King Andrew and Winston Churchamilton all come to mind.

John Sexton’s approval ratings among students have been held at stratospheric heights for years thanks to his propensity for hugging. Only Hamilton’s best efforts will bring him close to the legacy of John Sexton’s hugs.

Email the WST Editorial Board at editboard@nyunews.co.uk EDITORIAL BOARD: Sweetly Soso (Chair), Hone Canine (Co-chair), Smooch Stallion (Co-chair), Tattle Me Shrews (Co-chair)

Send mail to: 838 Broadway, Fifth Floor New York, N.Y. 10003 or email: opinion@nyunews.com WSN welcomes letters to the editor, opinion pieces and articles relevant to the NYU community, or in response to articles. Letters should be less than 450 words. All submissions must be typed or emailed and must include the author’s name, address and phone number. Members of the NYU community must include a year and school or job title.

WSN does not print unsigned letters or editorials. WSN reserves the right to reject any submission and edit accepted submissions in any and all ways. With the exception of the staff editorial, opinions expressed on the editorial pages are not necessarily those of WSN, and our publication of opinions is not an endorsement of them.

8

NYUNEWS.COM | WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2015 | WASHINGTON SQUARE TELEGRAPH

SPORTS NYU coaches ‘real proud of the guys’

By UNCLE LIGHTNING Staff Writer Head sports coach Donnie Roach pushed his way to the media to deliver six words that have since echoed throughout the NYU athletic community.

“I’m real proud of the guys,” a Gatorade-soaked Roach said.

NYU sports have had an impressive year, leading many coaches to swell with pride. Roach’s statement came following every sports teams’ recent victories in which they all had more points than the other teams. Assistant sports coach Dannie Croach added that he is also real proud of the guys.

“I’m real proud of the guys,” Croach said. “We played harder and got more numbers than the other guys. When your guys beat their guys, there is no other feeling than to be real proud of them.”

The university, commonly known for having weak sports teams, has had a shockingly strong 2015 so far, and the coaches’ pride has been a large part of that.

The trend continues as more and more of NYU’s coaches tell members of the media that they are real proud of their guys, including softball coach Dunlap Couch following the team’s first ever victory as a varsity program last week.

“I’m real proud of the guys,” Couch said. “When we first came

THE ARTS ISSUE

ISSUE ON STANDS THURSDAY, APRIL 9

EDITED BY FABRIC BURLINGTON SPORTS@NYUNEWS.CO.UK

NYU dreams of ‘Field of Dreams’

By FABRIC BURLINGTON Staff Writer

PHOTO BY JUANITA GARCIA

Donnie Roach, Dannie Croach, Dunlap Couch and Guy Guile. around, our guys were still getting used to sports. But looking at the guys now I’m real proud.”

This pride has also started to spread beyond the coaching staff.

Team captain Guy Guile earned his captainship for being a real guy’s guy to his teammates. Roach praised his captain during a press conference with the two.

“I’m real proud of Guy,” Roach said. “He’s a real guy’s guy, a guy who makes his guys proud.”

When asked about his guys, Guile insisted that the success of the team is not because of a single guy but rather all of the guys.

“I’m real proud of the guys,” Gulie said. “Some have said, ‘That team is all Guy,’ but I disagree. It’s not Guy, it’s the guys. All the guys.

Guys and Guy working together.

Take my word for it, I’m Guy. I’m also one of the guys.”

When asked about his family life, Roach said he is just as proud a father as he is a coach.

“I’m real proud of the guys,” coach Roach said. “I thank my all the guys on the team for making me a good enough guy to raise my two beautiful guys.”

Email Uncle Lightning at sports@nyunews.co.uk.

NYU Athletics announced on Tuesday that it has completely overhauled their budget, reorganizing under the slogan “If we build it, they will come.” The budget, which is redirecting most of the money appropriated for faculty salaries and scholarships, now sits at a whopping $200 million per year. The department’s hope is that if they build the largest stadium in New York City to house an NYU football team, then top-class athletes will gravitate to the East Village to play.

This plan is much more than a play on the landmark film “Field of Dreams.” By the year 2031, NYU hopes to have a fully functional $15 million stadium that will house their Division I football team, stocked with all the best college players. NYU Athletics Director Christopher Bledsoe addressed some of the rising concerns that many students have with the new plan, which is being dubbed by students NYU 2031 2.0.

“We know that $200 million is a lot of money,” Bledsoe said. “But think about it this way — if we all turned a blind eye to the NYU bud-

get for a week we might not have known where that $200 million went anyway. At least now we can put it to good use.”

Student protesters have already started lining up outside the Coles Sports Center, set to be torn down in the next six months. On site, CAS senior Martin Williams explained the outrage.

“Listen, we’re not sure if tearing down Coles is even necessary,” Williams said. “Coles has stairs. Coles has bleachers. Coles has those little rope barriers they put in banks and stuff. Last time I checked, no one is falling through the floors of the hardwood basketball court.”

Tisch sophomore Ella Tully was one of the students there in protest of adding another sport altogether.

“We don’t need a new $15 million football stadium,” Tully said. “Or a football team. That’s just another sport I’m going to have to pretend to understand so that I can day drink and hang out with my friends.”

Even with the vehement protest, the athletics department remains steadfast in their belief that building a stadium and creating a varsity football team is paramount.

“The hockey team won the na-

tional championship this year and we don’t even recognize them as a real sport,” Bledsoe said. “Think of what we could do with a multi-million dollar football program in the heart of New York City.”

NYU President John Sexton declined to comment about the allocation of funds, but did show some excitement for the addition of another sport here at NYU. “It’s quite obvious that in 30 years, the only governing bodies that will be left in the world are NYU and NCAA football,” Sexton said. “We figured we might as well just edge out the NCAA and create our own football empire to make things easier for everyone. At least then nonsports fans don’t have to remember two acronyms.”

The budget change will go up for vote on April 15. Until then, NYU students must patiently wait to see if the Violet football program is destined to come to fruition and give competition to southern powerhouses like the University of Alabama and the rest of their footballloving, tailgating neighbors.

Email Fabric Burlington at sports@nyunews.co.uk.

COLES continued from PG. 1

Tipster definitely reliable, for sure

“While I appreciate that NYU is attempting to improve the facilities for athletes, none of these sound like they would be applicable to actual sports,” Carlisle said. “Are you sure any of this is correct?”

Mr. Throat dismissed these doubts as unfounded.

“Of course it’s true,” Mr. Throat said. “I may have been arrested for selling snake oil back in ’05, but we both know that was just because the Tuscaloosa county sheriff’s office had it in for me.”

Mr. Throat told WSN that while the Coles site is under construction, an interim

site will be located in Bobst Library’s lobby.

As of press time, NYU administrators have not responded to a subtweet seeking comment.

Email Hovels Damnit at sports@nyunews.co.uk.