The NYU News-Free Press
Washington Square Telegraph Vol. 43, No. 32
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2015
nyunews.com
FEATURES
UNIVERSITY AFFAIRS
NYU asks students to ‘Spot’ them
The sun never sets on NYU’s empire By SASS FAUCET and SWEETLY SO SO Staff Writers
Duke of Oxfordshire Andrew Hamilton in front of his palace. Hamilton is a member of the Queen’s regiment and has set his sights on Bombay.
ARTS
This kid thinks he’s freaking Hemingway
Ernie Miller, a CAS freshman majoring in English, took a long drag from a cigarette while sitting on a stoop a few paces from Brittany Residence Hall. He can usually be found here or curled up with a leather-bound notebook under a sad-looking tree in Washington Square Park. “I feel like people just don’t get us,” Miller said. “Our generation is so misunderstood. It’s like we’re lost or something. The professors push us through these progressions, but they stifle our true ability to write. I want to change American Lit-
INSIDE THIS ISSUE
erature, but this process — this Writing the Essay bull — won’t let me.” Miller wears his hair slicked back and admires concise language. His shelves are packed with 1930s novels and booze. “I find myself most productive when I’m belligerently drunk,” Miller said with a Class Activity Board plastic cup martini in hand. He chuckled to himself before scribbling in his Moleskine notebook, “I’m reckoning.” His roommate, Stern freshman Gerry Stein, is not so certain of Miller’s genius.
HEMINGWAY continued on PG. 4
WSN STAFF FILE PHOTO
By NORWEGIA CRUISE Staff Writer
NYU hires John Sexton to do impartial review Will he give NYU a favorable rating? Probably. STORY on PG. 15
NYU administrators gathered outside the Kimmel Center for University Life at 8 a.m. on Tuesday and left after 10 hours of intense fundraising efforts, during which they asked passers-by for donations. The initiative is part of their new “Hey, Can You Spot Me?” campaign, in which NYU administrators are asking anyone they can find to give them money. Leading the charge was NYU President John Sexton, who kneeled in front of Kimmel and grasped at students’ legs for the duration of the event. He even promised several students he would consider leaving earlier than 2016 if they made a large enough donation. “I will leave right now if any of you guys give $20,” Sexton said. “I mean seriously, $20 is nothing compared to the huge
SPOTME continued on PG. 3
SPORTS
‘Local’ tipster tells all about Coles By HOVELS DAMNIT Contributing Writer
The plans for NYU’s new sports facility were revealed on Tuesday by a source who, for the sake of anonymity, wished to be referred to solely as Shallow Throat. The Coles Sports Center, which previously did not have an official demolition date, is being destroyed at this very moment, said Mr. Throat, who has previously provided reputable information to the National Enquirer and NYU Local. While the information is not yet available anywhere else, Mr. Throat told WSN through a series of cryptic communiques that the new building will be named the John Sexton Pre-
Memorial Center for Sports and Recreation and Housing. Construction of the new building, which will replace Coles, is part of NYU 2031, the $6 trillion expansion plan, and being paid for entirely in “Sexton fun-bucks.” Features of the new building include student housing, revamped sports facilities, a room to house the stress-relief puppies and an empty room without much purpose, which will be built on top of registered parkland. LS sophomore Nancy Ellington said she is looking forward to some of the changes. “I think it is good that there will be more dorms, but I think the spiral staircase that leads to nowhere could just be a
Report: NYU school spirit reaches ‘lukewarm’ levels Enthusiasm for NYU at an alltime, unimpressive high. STORY on PG. 26
waste of space,” Ellington said. Further details about the new sports amenities were found in a draft of an email that was allegedly to be sent to the NYU community. These include a regulation-size football field and a permanent bouncy house for basketball players to practice in. The email’s subject line was “Placeholder.” “Don’t send this email, this email is not meant to be sent, none of the information in this email is factual,” the email reads. Stern sophomore Andrea Carlisle, a member of the Violets’ softball team, said she did not quite understand the choices for the new building.
COLES continued on PG. 8
ILLUSTRATION JOURDAN ENRIQUEZ
EMPIRE continued on PG. 5
PHOTO BY JUANITA GARCIA
STAFF FILE PHOTO BY JONATHAN TAN
As the rising 16th president of NYU, Andrew Hamilton is poised to inherit not only a university, but also a legacy. NYU President John Sexton, in planting the seeds from which the Global Network University would eventually grow, brought unto our humble institution glory the likes of which no university on this continent has yet seen. It is fitting, then, that such extracontinental influence would require an extracontinental president, one who can cultivate the branches of our university to reach out, to span the seas and bring unto our homeland exotic students, wild tales and, of course, fabulous riches. Hamilton’s vision includes the introduction of a
By DOOT DOOT DOO-DOO Staff Writer
Opinion: Satirical papers are not funny People who make them should be ashamed. STORY on PG. 9