NYU’s Daily Student Newspaper
WASHINGTON SQUARE NEWS Vol. 42, No. 31
TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014
ISSUE
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Purrfect new fashion trend
INSIDE THIS
Cats can be found on a wide array of garments. GRAPHIC BY ALICE IN WONDERLAND
TREND on PG. 4
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Tinder app welcomes NYU
Event today See page 2 for details about today’s sunflower picking.
Not everyone on dating apps is a creep. AID on PG. 3
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Living in Astor Place cube isn’t for squares By JUNIOR THE ELEPHANT
She came in like a wrecking ball
NYU Residential Life and Housing Services announced today that the university would be opening up yet another residence hall for the 2014-2015 school year. In light of the news that Hayden Residence Hall will be closed and renovated in the coming year, NYU has decided to create a new, unconventional freshman residence hall to accommodate housing demands. Amidst rumors swirling of people living inside the famous Astor Place cube, NYU Residential Life and Housing Director Jimmy McMillan, along with Ron Swanson, the head of the NYU Mental Health Committee, came up with a transformative housing experience for incoming freshmen. The Cube, as the hall will be known, will provide housing for 50-75 students in one common
Angry students and NYU faculty are hosting a benefit concert on April 2 to raise enough money to demolish Bobst Library after a particularly brutal midterm season. The concert will take place in the middle of Washington Square Park in the project known as Bye Bye Bobsty. Oliver Oken, lead organizer and Gallatin sophomore, said they want to demolish Bobst to take a stand against the horror that students underwent while studying for midterms. “We think NYU needs to reconsider the stress they pile on to students,” Oken said. “We want to demolish Bobst because it is a physical manifestation of sadness which becomes obvious through audible cries heard through the myriad of stacks in the library
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By MOWGLI
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It’s raining cookies! Hallelujah, Hayden! By OLAF THE SNOWMAN
Students have reason to celebrate today, thanks to an announcement made by NYU Dining on Monday afternoon. Because Hayden is closing, a new dining hall will open at the beginning of the Fall 2014 semester. This new dining hall, the exact location of which has not yet been announced, will exclusively serve Hayden cookies. Tisch sophomore Saweet Tuff said NYU’s decision is a good one. “I was majorly excited when I heard the news,” Tuff said. “I
eat Hayden cookies on a regular basis. Sometimes, when I’m really stressed, it seems like that gooey, chocolate sweetness is all that gets me through the day. I think NYU is making a really wise decision with this new dining hall.” Additionally, Hayden cookies will be served from an armored cookie carrier in Washington Square Park. Students in the Federal Work-Study program will be hired to man the carrier and NYU Dining will begin to take
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SLAM to keep slamming till 2031 By PUMBAA
Members of NYU’s Student and Labor Action Movement have set up a sit-in protest and hunger strike inside Coles Sports Center today. This grassroots technique is another attempt by the group to garner more attention for their continuing fight to save Coles from being demolished as part of NYU 2031. CAS senior John Smalling explained classes and estranged relationships, not to mention an uninviting future, are not issues for these protestors who are dedicated to creating a fair NYU for all.
“If we need to sit in here until they bring the wrecking ball out in 17 years to keep this institution up, we will,” Smalling said. He said Coles was his favorite place during Welcome Week, and he did not want to lose such an important landmark of his college career. Other protesters shared this sentiment. Clark Tristan Cooper, a politics professor and ardent SLAM supporter was present, showing his encouragement for the protesters. “Any attention is good attention,” Tristan Cooper said. “If it weren’t for The New York Times agreeing with every-
thing NYU does, people would know what is going on here.” SLAM has been successful with many other protests in the past. In late February, the group’s movement and cause gained massive media traction when Matthew Broderick joined and made an appearance at the Manhattan Supreme Court to testify against NYU, which startled NYU President John Sexton. “Their efforts are strong but I know Ferris Bueller won’t be at this one, so I hope they don’t get as much media coverage,” Sexton said.
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WASHINGTON SQUARE NEWS | TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014 | NYUNEWS.COM
WONDERLAND
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STAFF RECOMMENDATIONS
HERE BE DRAGONS Everyone should keep in mind that “Game of Thrones” is not the only fantasy realm featuring kickass dragons.
Editor-in-Chief RAPUNZEL Managing Editor
PASCAL Deputy Managing Editor
MAXIMUS
POKÉMON
Assistant Managing Editors
With crazes like “Eragon” and “How to Train Your Dragon,” there are plenty of ways for kids to live out the fantasy of befriending a dragon. One of the most imaginative franchises that explores this is Pokémon. Families, young people and the young at heart are advised to hightail the show to their Netflix queues, where they are now able to watch Pokémon’s TV series and movies. The name of the game is still catching wild Pokémon, but the biggest challenge here is to, “Watch ‘em all!” — CHESHIRE CAT
STAR WARS If you ever find yourself struggling against Sand People, do not worry, you still have hope: as Obi-Wan Kenobi demonstrated in “Star Wars: A New Hope,” imitating the cry of a krayt dragon will scare them away. Dragons are not a huge part of the Star Wars universe, but anything is better than Jar Jar Binks, right? — MAD HATTER
MOTHER GOTHEL FLYNN RIDER Creative Director
ALICE IN WONDERLAND Special Editions Director
THE WHITE RABBIT THE JUNGLE
news MOWGLI, AKELA THE WOLF deputy news KAA THE SNAKE, JUNIOR
THE ELEPHANT, KING LOUIE
ARENDELLE
features QUEEN ELSA deputy features SVEN THE REINDEER beauty & style PRINCESS ANNA violet vision blog DUKE OF WESELTON dining OLAF THE SNOWMAN
FANTASTIC BEASTS
HUNDRED ACRE WOOD
The recently announced movie adaptation of J.K. Rowling’s “Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them” has been making headlines lately. With all the buzz surrounding this Harry Potter spinoff, try returning to the book on which the movies will be based. “Fantastic Beasts” is a textbook used in Hogwarts Care of Magical Creatures classes that exists in our universe too — Rowling wrote it several years ago. With sections on werewolves, centaurs, pixies and, of course, dragons, it makes for a fun and informative read. — QUEEN OF HEARTS
PRIDE ROCK
DRAGON TALES An oldie but a goodie, the animated children’s series “Dragon Tales” is great for young dragon lovers and is a fun mind trip for older audiences. The series centers on the adventures of Max and Emmy, siblings who frequently cross the divide between the normal world and a fantasy place called Dragon Land to visit their anthropomorphic friends Cassie, Ord, and Zak and Wheezie, a two-headed dragon. Shenanigans ensue, as do a wealth of life lessons and interpersonal skills. — TWEEDLEDEE
arts EEYORE books/theater WINNIE THE POOH film PIGLET entertainment RABBIT music TIGGER the highlighter blog CHRISTOPHER ROBIN
sports PUMBAA deputy sports TIMON
NEVERLAND
multimedia TINKERBELL deputy multimedia WENDY, PETER PAN
MISCELLANEOUS
copy PINOCCHIO, BAMBI web FLORA, FAUNA, MERRYWEATHER senior editors DOPEY, GRUMPY, SNEEZY,
BASHFUL, DOC, SLEEPY
MT. OLYMPUS
QUEST FOR CAMELOT
opinion editor ZEUS deputy opinion editors
PHILOCTETES, HERCULES, HERA
Much like many non-Disney animated films, 1998’s “Quest For Camelot” often slips by under the radar. But kids who were lucky enough to enjoy this Arthurian fairytale could surely never forget Devon and Cornwall, the two halves of a polycephalic dragon. Voiced by Eric Idle and Don Rickles, respectively, Devon and Cornwall perform the unforgettable duet “If I Didn’t Have You” about the challenges of sharing a body. It is a classic. — TWEEDLEDUM
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Sunflower Picking The Sunflower Club will host its first Sunflower Picking of the season in Washington Square Park from noon to 2 p.m. Prior experience in sunflowing picking is encouraged, but not required.
A Mad Tea Party The Hatter, the March Hare and the Dormouse will host a tea party to celebrate their unbirthdays. Alice will make a guest appearance to sing “The Unbirthday Song” and to explain why a raven is like a raven desk. The tea party will take place down the rabbit hole at 6 p.m.
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Sandcastle Building Lessons Get a crash course in sandcastle building with the 2014 World Champion of Sand Sculpting, Nicole Brown. Sand boxes will be provided, but guests will need to bring their own molds. The lessons will take place at the Kimmel Center for University Life in the Sand Studio from 6 to 8 p.m.
PHOTO BY ALICE IN WONDERLAND
TODAY’S EVENTS ARE FREE FOR NYU STUDENTS.
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DONALD DUCK, GOOFY, PLUTO, DAISY DUCK, PETE About WSN: Washington Square News (ISSN 15499389) is the student newspaper of New York University. WSN is published Monday through Thursday during NYU’s academic year, except for university holidays, vacations and exam periods. Corrections: WSN is committed to accurate reporting. When we make errors, we do our best to correct them as quickly as possible. If you believe we have erred, contact managing editor Michael Domanico at managing@nyunews.com or at 212.998.4302.
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NYUNEWS.COM | TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014 | WASHINGTON SQUARE NEWS
THE JUNGLE
EDITED BY MOWGLI AND AKELA THE WOLF NEWS@NYUNEWS.COM CUBE continued from PG. 1
Students to get cozy in The Cube, NYU’s new res. hall
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tktktktk tktktktktktk tktktktk tktktktktk tktk area. The dorm will not have bedrooms, or even beds, but rather will encourage students to pile on top of one another for optimal comfort and warmth. It will also be NYU’s most environmentally friendly dorm, as the Cube will not have electricity, running water or heating. McMillan and Swanson said the Cube will provide a housing experience unlike any other, giving students an opportunity to build character. “The Cube will be part of NYU’s First-Year Residential Experience, with one survival-themed living space,” Swanson said. “Research has shown that there are many positive psychological effects that come from a deprivation of personal space, darkness and, at times, extreme heat.” Swanson, a man passionate about simplicity, insisted that the Cube be free of any kind of storage space, forc-
ing students to live without any personal belongings. The Cube will undergo minor renovations to make the housing experience more comfortable for the students who choose to live there. It will be outfitted with padded walls and a small turnstile that will be monitored by a member of NYU Public Safety. A short walk from campus and the Astor Place subway stop, McMillan said the Cube will be perfect for students on a budget. “Many people have complained in the past that the cost of NYU housing is too damn high, but the Cube will provide affordable housing for students who want to be close to campus and value convenience,” McMillan said. Junior the Elephant is the baby of Colonel Hathi, the leader of a herd of Indian elephants. Email the herd at news@nyunews.com.
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Sexton: ‘Call me Master’ By SHERE KHAN
In a ceremony filled with great pomp, CAS freshman Adam DeLorenzo swore an oath of fealty to NYU President John Sexton, forever establishing DeLorenzo as a minor vassal of the university. “Well, we understand that students often take on a great deal of financial burden by attending our fine institution, so we really felt like we should do them a favor by tying their fortunes to our own,” Sexton said as he drank mead from the skull of a vanquished enemy. Sexton said ceremonies like DeLorenzo’s are the next step in the university’s plans to dominate New York City. “Our hope is that we can start incorporating all of our students in similar blood-binding ceremonies,” Sexton said while smearing warpaint on his face. “That way, we’ll have the manpower needed to win the coming battles.” Initially, DeLorenzo said he had his doubts. But, after coaxing from a combination of Sexton’s signature charm and ruthless intimidation, DeLorenzo said he is now committed to his master’s vision of a tri-state area completely dominated by NYU’s lordship. “Before coming to NYU, I wanted
to be a doctor, but now I guess I’ll be serving my lord — glory and power to him — as a tenant farmer and occasional retainer,” DeLorenzo said. “It feels really good to be a part of the forward-thinking organization responsible for the Abu Dhabi and Shanghai campuses, the NYU 2031 Plan and the crop-rotation scheme that we’re implementing in the coming months.” When asked about the possibility that some students might not want to promise their undying loyalty in this life and the next or even share his visions of global conquest, Sexton seemed unshaken. “What these kids need is direction and purpose,” Sexton said, brandishing his war axe, which he calls Todesbringer or “Death Bringer.” “And that’s what we’re going to give them — by force, if necessary.” Following the ceremony, reporters from the Washington Square News tried to reach DeLorenzo for further comment, but were told by NYU Spokesperson Balder Engström that he would be busy tilling a turnip field under the watchful eye of his master for the rest of his life. Shere Khan is an intelligent Bengal tiger who hates humans and wants to kill Mowgli. Email him at news@nyunews.com.
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Bye Bye Bobsty gains momentum
during midterm and final season.” Miley Cyrus will be the main act, and an anonymous student organizer said she may be entering on a wrecking ball. “[To be honest], I think everyone wants to see the ‘Wrecking Ball’ music video [in real life],” the student said in a Snapchat. “[Tomorrow] will be a [great] way for students to [see] their [favorite] star in action. [Please] attend. [Laugh out loud].” The anonymous student said Cyrus will be sexually licking a hardware tool and destroying a 500-square foot paper mache model of Bobst. Cyrus’ press contact Bucky Kentucky said Cyrus is not necessarily performing for the students. “Miley enjoys large, organized events featuring lewd themes,” Kentucky said. “She just wants to lick inanimate objects.” Gallatin senior Lilly Truscott said she is excited to see the NYU community taking a definitive stand against the injustices of midterm season. “I can’t wait to see my fellow students organize around such a pressing matter, especially if Miley will be there,” Truscott said. “Demolishing Bobst will make it so there is one less place I cry my sorrows away during midterm season.” All Stern students have developed a coalition against this benefit concert called Keep the non-Sternies in Bobst Prison. Stern senior Rico Suave, organizer of the coalition, said the demolition is unnecessary. “Even though we never go into Bobst because it doesn’t have NYU Stern WiFi, I don’t think the demolition should happen because then we will be overcrowded in Stern,” Suave said in an email. “The glitz and glamour that we live in will be ruined. Remember: #KeepthenonSterniesinBobstPrison.” Mowgli is a small Indian boy who wears a red thong and lives in a jungle with talking animals. Email him at news@nyunews.com.
Shirtless Putin invades NYU Swipe right for love, money By BAGHEERA
Vladimir Putin made a surprise move this weekend when he sent Russian military forces into NYU in what the Russian media is calling a “liberation.” Following a criticized campus-wide vote on independence from New York City, advocates of the incursion have pointed to the decision as pretext for the intervention. The vote followed a political campaign in New York by Putin’s government, featuring such classic slogans as “Can We Invade? Yes We Can!” and “A Vote for Putin is a Vote for Putin, as are Quite a Few of the Votes for Other People.” The United Nations has been reluctant to intervene. “It is true that the sovereignty of a nation has been violated,” a UN spokesperson said. “But on the other
hand, preventing it sounds really hard.” A source within the United Nations indicated that they had discussed a plan to undermine the Russian economy by flooding the occupied areas with cheap, unregulated vodka, but these plans were scuppered upon discovery that NYU students had been doing that for years. With no signs of movement from the United Nations, all eyes turned to the United States. The U.S. government sent Secretary of State John Kerry to engage in negotiations. “Kerry is one of our most valuable assets,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. “I’ve seen him bore an entire room of Israeli and Palestinian diplomats so bad, they were begging to engage in mutual peace talks.”
Some have expressed doubt as to whether Kerry is boring enough to compete with Putin’s blank android face. After arriving in New York, Putin remarked on his delight that gay men were nowhere to be seen. “I see men parading down the street, shirtless like me, and they are proud of their masculinity,” Putin said. “I can see they are not gays. I perform outdoor tasks topless. Does that make me gay?” Putin’s previous support for Bashar al-Assad’s Syrian government,“Operation: Not Even Trying To Pretend Anymore,” garnered criticism, and he is expected to spark criticism for his upcoming “Operation: Volcano Skull Fortress.” Bagheera is a panther. Email him at news@nyunews.com.
By AKELA THE WOLF
NYU will grant students financial aid through the dating app Tinder, starting for the 2014-2015 academic year. Administrators who make financial aid decisions will now swipe right on the profiles they believe deserve aid and swipe left for those they believe do not. Whichever student profiles match with NYU’s profile will receive aid for the coming year. NYU spokesman Toby Flenderson said that changing the system for financial aid will make life easier for the administration. “Reading through all the paperwork can be stressful,” Flenderson said. “We want to make the process stress-free so that offering aid is like a game instead of a chore.” Stern sophomore Rick Blaine said he is concerned NYU will not get to his profile. “There are so many students at NYU,” Blaine said. “And what about the nonNYU students? They’ll have to look through them, too.” CAS junior Caroline Bingley said she is
confident about her potential aid offerings. “I’ll get lots of money,” Bingley said. “My selfies are so hot. That’s all they’re looking for, right?” Flenderson said students must have a Tinder account to be considered for aid. “We don’t want to discriminate based on need,” Flenderson said. “We want to be able to assess the character of those we give aid to. NYU students are not just numbers to us, they’re people.” Steinhardt freshman Edward Lewis has already lost his chance for aid next year. “I just told my parents I have to take a year off,” Lewis said. “I accidentally leftswiped the NYU profile last night, so I won’t be getting anything from them.” The Office of Financial Aid will begin judging profiles on April 2. “Students need to keep an eye out for the NYU profile,” Flenderson said. “The best way to prepare is to swipe right on on the NYU logo and hope they’ll get matched.” Akela is the leader of Mowgli’s wolf pack. Email the pack at news@nyunews.com.
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WASHINGTON SQUARE NEWS | TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014 | NYUNEWS.COM
ARENDELLE
EDITED BY QUEEN ELSA FEATURES@NYUNEWS.COM
You have cat to be kitten me right meow
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P TO
Hidden gems to visit in city that never sleeps
By PRINCESS ANNA
By QUEEN ELSA
Trends come and go, but cats stay forever. Combine your two favorite things in life — felines and fashion — to create the epitome of all things stylish. No matter where or how the iconic symbol of the cat is worn, it is sure to accentuate the figure and highlight the subtle nature of your cat obsession. Try these simple and affordable ways to add more cat to your closet. From Lana Del Cat’s hit, “Summertime Catnips,” get your cat pants on tonight to add some tabby to your typical trousers. Cat pants, which were one of the leading trends on Spring/Summer 2014 catwalks, come in a variety of textiles, colors and, most importantly, felines. For the perfect evening look, pair your cat pants with a bold and daring boot or heel, which will form the perfect juxtaposition of feminine and feline. To complete this ensemble, pair the pants with your favorite cat shirt and a motorcycle jacket for a sleek, edgy style. French wording on shirts is always chic and adds a clear signal of your worldliness and intellect. Go for the simple yet stand-out “Je suis un chat,” tank, which subtly reads “I’m an edgy individual with a taste for all things fashion.” Pair this tank with skinny jeans and a cat tail for an easy, everyday look. Make your cat eye stand out with these simple tricks. Simply close your eye and carefully line the entire upper lid in a cat-like shape. Be sure to check Pinterest for references. Then, fill in the pupil and iris on the top of your lid, making
New York City is one of the most popular travel destinations in the world. But just because we live here does not mean we have to be mobbed by tourists all of the time. Avoid the crowds by checking out these hidden gems.
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tktktk tktktktktk tktktktk sure it is as cat-like as possible. Repeat this step for the other eye. Once complete, remember to keep your eyes shut at all times — this is the most essential step to this look. Bring a friend along with you to be sure you do not trip, fall or get hit by a taxi. Lady MeowMeow’s hit “Appaws,” with the memorable lyrics “put your claws up, make them scratch,” is sure to be on the walls of all fashionista’s dorm rooms. Remember, the sharper the better. Try an industrialgrade nail file to truly get the finest point. Nicholson offers a chic Five Piece Hand File Set, which includes ergonomic handles — perfect for delicate hands. This great, affordable option is perfect for any student’s budget and a must-have beauty tool for spring. You will have to tell your friends to keep their paws off. Princess Anna of Arendelle is the enthusiastic and bubbly younger sister of Queen Elsa. She adores chocolate and thinks that Arendelle could benefit from more cat trends. Email her at features@nyunews.com.
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Hayden cookies require own dining hall, portable cart in WSP
applications for these positions starting on April 20. “The carrier is going to be an awesome addition, too,” Tuff said. “That’s going to make the cookies readily available between classes. I can’t imagine the lines, though.” But Stern junior Unim Presd is
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not as enthusiastic as Tuff. “Opening a new dining hall has got to be pretty expensive,” Presd said. “The cookies from Hayden are great and all, but I’m not sure they’re worth all that.” Presd’s concern about the price of the new dining hall is well-warranted. NYU Dining representative Kukin Feud would not disclose the exact price tag of the project. “Admittedly, this undertaking is costly,” Feud said. “In fact, NYU students will see their tuitions rise noticeably as a result of the expansion. However, we feel it is our duty to serve Hayden cookies, no matter the cost. Everyone can agree that the cookies are an important part of the culture here at NYU.” Olaf the Snowman likes warm hugs and can’t wait for summer to arrive. Email him at features@nyunews.com.
A small, surprisingly quiet area, hidden away from the rest of the hustle and bustle of Midtown, Times Square is the perfect place to relax and destress after a long day of class. Crowds are minimal, the area is filled with local shops and boutiques, and charming street artists perform on almost every corner.
The Empire State Building While many tourists flock to the top of Rockefeller Center for skyline pictures, the best views come from this unknown skyscraper in
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Midtown. The Empire State Building allows for gorgeous, 360-degree views of the city with no long lines or expensive fees.
but the quiet exhibit halls offer the perfect atmosphere for enjoying the collection of Classical and Renaissance artwork.
The Statue of Liberty
Central Park
No one is quite sure how this statue ended up on the small island that, on clear days, can just be seen from the tip of downtown Manhattan. Yet the mystery of the statue just adds to the island’s allure. Be warned, though — checking out the statue is no easy feat. Because the statue is hardly ever visited, there is no easy way to get out to the island. You will have to hire a private boat or water taxi to get there.
Nature may be hard to come by in New York City, but this small uptown park offers the perfect place to sit outside and enjoy the warm weather. Although the park is only a couple of blocks wide, there are plenty of benches and patches of grass to sit on. The area’s high crime rate gives Central Park a bad reputation, but it is actually a very safe location, as long as you keep your wallet in an inconspicuous place.
The American Museum of Natural History If you want to avoid the bigger museums that are constantly packed with tourists and elementary school field trips, this tiny gem is perfect. It may be small,
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Queen Elsa of Arendelle has some seriously cool powers and enjoys chilling out with her younger sister, Princess Anna. Generally, the cold never really bothered her anyway. Email her at features@nyunews.com.
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Tips, tricks for decorating oversized dorm rooms
By SVEN THE REINDEER
DIY Desert
Oftentimes, coming home to your dorm room can feel overwhelming — students constantly complain about the abundance of space in their New York City housing, even with the three or more people they are sharing it with. Fill up those empty corners with unique decorations to truly impress your guests and make yourself feel more at home.
To continue our standard as a global network university, fill the barren spaces of your room with sand. In addition to accentuating the plain, hardwood flooring of your bedroom, the sand will give you hope for hot weather after the months and months of the New York City winter. You can collect the sand yourself or buy it online, where you can customize it and purchase colors to match themed parties for any occasion — blood
Artwork If you are tired of the usual college kid decorations like band posters and bean bag chairs, a work of art may spruce up your room and give it a whole new atmosphere. As luck would have it, a 14 foot-long, shirtless statue of David Hasselhoff is now on the auction market. The piece, displaying Hasselhoff facedown on a surfboard, was once used in 2004’s “The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie.” You could also try out a statue of Zooey Deschanel in the corner of your room if you are looking to prove to your friends just how quirky you are.
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red sand for Halloween or mixed neon colors for a casual Monday night rave atmosphere.
Wallpaper To go above and beyond typical wall decorations, try creating your own wallpaper. This is your chance to be creative. Tape large amounts of kale to your wall to inspire you to eat healthy throughout the rest of the semester, even when finals week hits. Or, for a more studentfriendly budget option, collect the free condoms from the residence halls’ resource centers and create shapes, designs or self-portraits — anything is possible for your walls with the number of condoms you are supplied with. If neither of those ideas work for your personal taste and style, consider asking one of your Gallatin friends to write out their concentration title, which should leave hardly anything on your walls blank. Sven is a loyal reindeer who enjoys carrots and thinks that reindeer are better than people. Email him at features@nyunews.com.
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HUNDRED ACRE WOOD
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Meryl Streep quits acting, joins Hillary Clinton By EEYORE
At a press conference on Sunday, famed actress Meryl Streep announced she would retire from acting after she wraps up production on her current project, “Suffragette.” Having run the gamut of roles, starring in films from “Sophie’s Choice” to “The Devil Wears Prada,” the iconic 64-year-old star is taking yet another opportunity to render the world speechless. Shocked reporters submitted questions about this seemingly sudden decision, and Streep simply stated that she had little else to gain from participating in the industry. “I’ve already won all of the awards,” Streep said. “I think I’m good.” Having been nominated for 18 Academy Awards and 23 Golden Globes, Streep is leaps and bounds ahead of her peers in the entertainment business. She won her first Oscar in 1979 and has been a fixture at all Hollywood awards ceremonies since then. Streep’s presence at these events has become a given, even as the other faces around her keep rotating. “It’s probably time to give someone else a chance to win,” Streep said. “It doesn’t seem fair to keep this trend going. There must be some other talented actors around.” Though it will be odd to not see Streep on the Chinese Theater’s red carpet, the star is not retreating from the public eye altogether. Instead, she is seriously considering a career in politics. Perhaps her role as Margaret Thatcher
in “The Iron Lady” gave her a taste for posturing and giving speeches, not that she lacks experience in either field. Alternatively, this career change may be related to Streep’s close friendship with Hillary Clinton — the two were spotted snapping yet another selfie backstage at Sunday’s event. It is only a matter of time before StreepClinton bumper stickers start to surface, though it is hard to tell which leading lady will take a secondary place on the ticket. Filmgoers can look forward to the endorsement videos for Streep’s campaign, which will surely include a whole constellation of Hollywood stars. Eeyore is a donkey who doesn’t have much of a tail, but he’s kind of attached to it. Email him at film@nyunews.com.
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Where did it come from, where did it go? By TIGGER
In what can only be described as a surprising turn of events, Billboard has announced an upset in the top spot on its flagship Hot 100 chart. An unprecedented phenomenon has occurred. An oldie both re-entering the chart and climbing to the top of its 100 slots. The song in question is “Cotton-Eyed Joe,” by Rednex. The 1994 song is a remake of the American South folk song of the same name from the band’s album “Sex & Violins.” The mix of synths and strings disarmed many listeners, who literally wondered, echoing the song itself, where this track could have come from. The answer is Sweden — it is a eurodance song. In a press conference this morning, a spokesperson for the band appeared, looking frazzled, to answer questions of confused music journalists. “We don’t know what’s happening,” the spokesperson said. “We’d like to take this time to remind listeners that Rednex has continued to
‘True Detective’ gains Swift, Plaza By PIGLET
Coming off the success of the first season of HBO’s “True Detective,” show creator and writer Nic Pizzolatto is already hard at work on season two. While many rumors have swirled as to who will star and direct, it looks like pop singer Taylor Swift and “Parks and Recreation” star Aubrey Plaza will be taking the lead roles as two grizzled, alcoholic female detectives, with “Girls” creator Lena Dunham slated to direct. Swift will also compose the score. “After being in the movie ‘Valentine’s Day,’ I felt like this was the next logical step in my acting career,” Swift said. “Plus, all my other famous actress friends do it, so it’ll be really
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cool to do what they do. I mean, I do a lot of acting in my music videos, and I can cry whenever, so this should be fun.” Swift has seen a lot of support from her peers. “Yeah, I totally support Taylor in everything she does, because we’re besties!” said every remotely notable actress under the age of 25 who was asked for comment. Plaza, on the other hand, needed to be convinced before she decided that she wanted to take on the role. “Amy Poehler told me not to do it or whatever, but I don’t really like it when people tell me not to do stuff,” Plaza said. “And then I watched the first season and saw how many dead bodies and tortured children there were and I
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knew I had to get in on it.” Dunham will be bringing her trademark wit and privileged realism to Pizzolatto’s script. “I just feel like these ladies are under a lot of pressure from men in society and their sexuality is being stifled in the name of patriarchy,” Dunham said. “So I want to capitalize on their journey to find their own personal truths with their bodies as confused 20-somethings in an urban environment. Oh wait, this is set in the South?” When asked about how he made his casting decisions, Pizzolatto did not explain. No doubt this is another example of his trademark metaphorical mysticisms that made Matthew McConaughey’s Rust such a compelling character to watch last season. “None of this is even remotely true,” Pizzolatto said. “No seriously, stop telling people this.” Message boards across the web are already blowing up, analyzing every last word of these sentences. Piglet hates horrible heffalumps, but loves Pooh Bear. Email him at entertainment@nyunews.com.
make music throughout the 2000s. We encourage listeners to explore other Rednex songs and beware the catchiness of ‘Cotton-Eyed Joe.’” As if on cue, the spokesperson began humming the song to herself absent-mindedly. “Oh no, not again,” she was heard muttering under her breath. As in 1994, the song has proved an international hit. In addition to topping the charts in the United States, “Cotton-Eyed Joe” has had a resurgence in Europe, hitting the number one slot in San Marino, Andorra, the Vatican, Washington, D.C., and Rednex’s native Sweden. Fans of the annual competition Eurovision stand divided, judging by the organization’s Facebook page. Many are keeping fingers crossed for a year full of innovative covers, while others protest that there are many new Europop songs more deserving of attention. “I’ve been waiting for months for Cezar [of Romania] to hit the top of the pops,” said a Facebook user who wished to remain anonymous. “His sensual slowness
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tktktktk tktktkt tktktk is very 2014. I love the madcap fun of ‘Cotton-Eyed Joe’ but it is so ’90s. Over it!” This surprising story has been compounded by the fall of Pharrell’s seemingly unshakeable “Happy,” which has dropped to number two on Billboard’s chart. Through Twitter, the singer/producer offered his thoughts on the upset. “So excited for @REDNEXOFFICIAL. Can’t wait to hear #cottoneyedjoe at the club in 2014.” Tigger is the only tigger there is, and bouncing is what he does best. Email him at music@nyunews.com.
Publishing industry to swap paper with leather By WINNIE THE POOH
Publishing groups shocked the general public with the announcement that they will no longer be printing books on paper. “Paper printing is an unsustainable industry,” said Mark Hewitt, a representative of a major publishing house. This comment comes in light of a recent study claiming that almost every tree on earth has been cut down and turned into paper. “There is simply no way to continue printing new books on paper,” Hewitt said. When questioned about the predicted advance in electronic book sales, the representative shook his head. “People love physical books and we do not intend to deny them that pleasure,” he said. He went on to announce a new plan, to be implemented over the next few years. Rather than making pages out of paper, publishing houses will return to the Medieval method of making books out of a parchment made from animal skin. In a few months, readers will say goodbye to paper and find themselves reading off ink-printed leather.
Opinions on this new development are understandably varied. “So we’ll be reading ‘Hound of the Baskervilles’ and ‘Animal Farm’ off of dead animals?” said one CAS sophomore. “Cool.” Others were not so certain. “Won’t that be really heavy?” asked an LS freshman. “I don’t want to carry around giant leather books all day.” The most vocal opposition has come from animal rights activism group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. “We do not condone these methods,” the group’s statement said. “Although we do acknowledge that the destruction of forests is also not good for animals.” Instead, the organization proposed an alternate choice — using human leather. “Animals don’t deserve to be made into books,” said PETA representative Julie Singer. “And besides, wouldn’t ‘Hamlet’ have a new sense of irony if it were printed on someone’s actual father?” No major publishing group has yet responded to PETA’s remarks. Pooh is a bear who loves his hunny and his friends. Today is his favorite day. Email him at books@nyunews.com.
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WASHINGTON SQUARE NEWS | TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014 | NYUNEWS.COM
The New York Times Syndication Sales Corporation 620 Eighth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10018 For Information Call: 1-800-972-3550 For Release Tuesday, April 1, 2014
THE NEW YORK TIMES CROSSWORD & DAILY SUDOKU Crossword ACROSS
38 Tomato and lettuce pickers’ org. 39 ERNE 5 Sun and moon, poetically 42 Energy 9 Sacred Egyptian 43 Computerbird connecting system, for short 13 Sarcasm, informally 44 Wheel connector 45 Tortilla chip dip 15 Paper quantity 47 EMIR 16 Madrid tidbit 51 Barack’s 17 John known as re-election the “Teflon Don” opponent 18 Big do 52 Pirate’s quaff 19 Med. student 53 Makeshift course shelters 20 EPEE 55 What this 23 Discourteous puzzle’s capitalized clues 26 Asian-American are, both by basketball definition and sensation Jeremy pun 27 “Let’s ___!” 60 Jupiter, to the 28 ETUI Greeks 34 Foot-pound? 61 Relative of a 36 Remote button bassoon 37 Driver’s license 62 N.B.A. Hall-ofdatum Famer Thomas 1 Where Matisses hang in N.Y.C.
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49 Firstborn 50 Riddle-me-___ 54 Yard sale caveat 55 Peter the Great or Ivan the Terrible 56 Clinton attorney general Janet 57 Threadbare 58 Follow orders
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NYUNEWS.COM | TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014 | WASHINGTON SQUARE NEWS
MT. OLYMPUS
EDITED BY ZEUS OPINION@NYUNEWS.COM
SCIENTIFIC SATIRE
Placebos should replace birth control in stores By MEG
It is time for American pharmaceutical companies to take the birth control debate into their own hands. By only providing birth control pills lacking hormones, these companies could satisfy the religious minority that is calmly speaking out against birth control use while fooling the immoral masses into producing children. Because misuse of birth control pills can result in pregnancy, companies can simply blame the women using these satanical drugs instead of admitting the drugs have been made ineffective. It is the perfect plan to end the pesky debate over contraception for women. Only 51 percent of pregnancies in this country are unintended. This is the most developed nation in the world, shouldn’t we be at 100 percent by now? We are still leading in unintended pregnancies against our European rivals, but have fallen behind Asian countries — which include our arch enemies Russia and China. Our population cannot be allowed to fall even further behind China’s. Increasing pregnancies among unsuspecting women is the fastest way to prevent
China from overtaking the United States as a superpower. Considering the rate of unintended pregnancy among poor women is five times higher than those in the highest income bracket, the quickest way to close the gap is to target those at the top. We should focus our resources on making faulty contraception more available to the richest women through doctor visits. Because four out of five sexually experienced women have used the pill at some point in their life, this is clearly the contraceptive method to target. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists has said that hormonal birth control pills could be sold over the counter. Of course, we must reject this conclusion. By keeping placebo pills in doctors’ hands, we ensure that more women will
want them due to their exclusivity. Any woman expecting functioning birth control in this day and age has lost sight of the American way. The Affordable Care Act mandated that several types of contraception be available without a co-pay, or for free to those paying for insurance. In this capitalist society, it is foolish to expect that a free product has any true benefit. There is no such thing as a free lunch, and women cannot expect the insurance they pay for to provide working medication free of charge. Drug companies have to keep providing some form of the pill in order to keep up appearances, but clearly making these drugs placebos would have enormous benefits. Not only will doctors and insurance companies be able to keep the profits that come from requiring an annual exam to refill a birth control pill prescription, but there would also be no reason for religious companies to object to providing their employees with fake birth control methods. Meg is a moody 20something with awesome hair. Scientific Satire is published every Tuesday. Email her at opinion@nyunews.com.
HERCULEAN HERO
Students deserve better from university By HERCULES AND PEGASUS
NYU is a great school. The opportunities it affords its students make the $60,000 we spend on tuition and housing yearly almost bearable. We are fortunate to live in such an expansive city, but there are a few things NYU could improve upon. Presented below, in no particular order, is a list of grievances, composed with the utmost respect for the school’s administration. Why is the fountain in Washington Square Park so big? Who is the park catering to? Giants or something? How are we supposed to drink out of it with our humansized mouths? This is an easy fix: make it smaller like the rest of the fountains around the park. Hayden cookies taste weird. Gallatin’s courses are too restrictive. How can anyone succeed in life with such structure? Considering the amount of work he puts toward the betterment of this university, NYU President John Sexton does not make enough money. We should be funnelling our tuition directly to Sexton instead of
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wasting it on meaningless things like books, computers and professors. Why don’t we get HBO? Why was Bobst Library designed with so many architectural flourishes? Students are always late to class because they have to stop and admire its brilliance. It’s distracting. Excuses like “I’m late because I was looking at Bobst’s exterior design” or “It’s too provocative and exciting” are clichés. Albert is a great class registration program. No complaints there. Our football team needs to step it up. When was the last time we even won a game? Why only two semesters of Writing the Essay for the Tisch School of the Arts? How are we artists expected to learn to write all of the essays assigned after college?
Right after graduation, when we are employed full time with zero student debt, what are we supposed to tell our employers? “Oh, sorry, I can’t give you six to eight pages on the complexities and relationships between a work of public art and the neighborhood in which it is housed because I only practiced writing essays for one year in college and also many years before that in high school and middle school.” What fools we will sound like. The Washington Square News gets picked up so quickly in the morning that we are never able to grab a copy before the paper’s devoted readers snatch them up. While we recognize that these grievances are not easily rectified, we think that addressing them will dramatically improve the student experience at NYU. Maybe then, College Confidential user xxswagstar69hue will stop claiming that NYU is “4 loosers.” Hercules is a hero. Pegasus is his flying horse. Herculean Hero is published every Tuesday. Email them at opinion@nyunews.com.
STAFF EDITORIAL
Rep. Ryan comes to rescue of Americans
Republican Rep. Paul Ryan released his U.S. budget plan on Monday, and it seems to be more of the same coming from the former vice presidential candidate. While the House Budget Committee, which Ryan chairs, will vote on the proposal on Wednesday, it is unlikely that his reforms would make it past the Senate, where many Democrats have responded to the proposed budget as an affront to their liberal principles. We applaud the Congressman for such a bold budget and implore the other members of the House to support its passage. One of the greatest proposed changes involves the end of the Medicare and Medicaid programs in favor of a universal health care system not based on age or income. Ryan hopes to nationalize all private health insurance companies by 2015 and make every form of medical care available at no cost to both citizens and immigrants. He plans to pay for the government’s foray into the medical field by doubling taxes on the richest 5 percent of the country. Ryan has decided to completely eliminate the Department of Homeland Security. Ryan said the War on Terror was never really that big of an issue and, much like Tara Reid’s acting career, got more attention than it actually deserved. Ryan will use the $55.4 billion that would have gone to the department to help Netflix film more episodes of “House of Cards,” because he believes the show paints a really great picture of the U.S. government and, hopefully, the money will score him a guest role. His striking blue eyes and sleek dark hair would make him a great quirky character. The United States can no longer be the world’s police officer, and Ryan has made a courageous decision to also slash defense expenditure. It seems the Congressman from the Badger State is willing to ignore the personal pleas of the 25,000 U.S. service personnel in his own state when promoting a budget which cuts military spending by 75 percent over 10 years. Ryan has put his own future electoral success on the backburner in an effort to be true to his principles. Michele Bachmann called the budget “a revolutionary document.” The Congresswoman was not available for comment on whether she was inciting an overthrow of the government. In a clear bid to pick up the youth vote in his 2016 Presidential run, Ryan also plans to make all university tuition free to students in both state and private institutions. Given that NYU currently has the second most expensive tuition in the country, we should all rally around the Congressman and work to win him New York State in the next Presidential election. Ryan’s budget proposal is truly cutting-edge, and he deserves the support of voters across the country.
Email the WSN Editorial Board at editboard@nyunews.com. EDITORIAL BOARD: Zeus (Chair), Philoctetes (Co-chair), Hercules (Co-chair), Hera (Co-chair)
Send mail to: 838 Broadway, Fifth Floor New York, N.Y. 10003 or email: opinion@nyunews.com WSN welcomes letters to the editor, opinion pieces and articles relevant to the NYU community, or in response to articles. Letters should be less than 450 words. All submissions must be typed or emailed and must include the author’s name, address and phone number. Members of the NYU community must include a year and school or job title.
WSN does not print unsigned letters or editorials. WSN reserves the right to reject any submission and edit accepted submissions in any and all ways. With the exception of the staff editorial, opinions expressed on the editorial pages are not necessarily those of WSN, and our publication of opinions is not an endorsement of them.
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NYUNEWS.COM | TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014 | WASHINGTON SQUARE NEWS
PRIDE ROCK
EDITED BY PUMBAA SPORTS@NYUNEWS.COM
SLAM continued from PG. 1
SLAM squatters expected to reside in Coles through 2031 Peyton Woodruff, class of 1995, has been playing at Coles every day since his freshman year, and can still be found hitting J’s from the elbow. Woodruff expressed a mixed sentiment for SLAM’s effort. “I’m not sure if they’re expecting to see a wrinkled up Miley on top of that wrecking ball or what, but I’m happy if this place gets torn down for a building that actually has air conditioning,” Woodruff said. Despite the fact that Coles is only open from 6:30 a.m. to 11 p.m. Monday to Friday and 8:30 a.m. to 8 p.m. on Saturday and Sunday, SLAM plans to continue their protests in-
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tktktktk tktktkt tktktktk tktktktktkt tktktk definitely inside Coles and invite anyone to join the cause. Pumbaa is a lovable warthog who stands by his friend Timon. Email him at sports@nyunews.com.
HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY from the WSN staff
THE STORIES MAY BE FAKE, BUT THE ADS ARE REAL
NHL looks to score with ban on fighting, alienates loyal fans By TIMON
The National Hockey League is outlawing fights, which have been an important part of the sport since its inception. Socalled enforcers, such as Tiger Williams, have been glorified by the media and fans alike as staples of the game. The concept was even glorified in the Canadian film “Goon” about two fighters from different generations that go head to head. But now, with the opinion of league officials shifting to a more refined and cultured environment away from blood and gore, the institution of fighting may be a casualty. Officials are even considering a ban of those who fight from the sport for life. Fan reactions to this decree from the league office have been swift and absolute. Riots have already begun outside stadiums in New York City, Toronto, Chicago and Pittsburgh. Enraged fans have taken to burning effigies of key NHL officials as well as their own jerseys. Some, including Blackhawks fan Puck Yekcoh, are even planning to camp out and
form human chains around their home stadiums until their demands are met. “We will not have the legacy of this beautiful game be tarnished by the man, man,” Yekcoh said. It seems as though the fans’ thirst for violence cannot be quenched by simply watching movies or old replays. When fans in Philadelphia heard about the new rule during a game this weekend, brawls began to break out all over the stadium as the participants searched desperately for something to fill the void left by their heroes. Players have also begun to voice their concern and are threatening action to restore the age-old institution of fighting. Rumors are that most players favor a move en masse to play in Finland, in an attempt at financial retribution against the owners. “The players have an innate need to get out their frustration through bloodthirsty in game fighting,” a spokesman for the players said. “If they are not allowed to do that, there’s
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tktktk tktktk tktktktk tktk tktk tktktktktkt tktktk no telling what will happen to the fabric of our society.” So you have been warned. If you see a bunch of men walking around in hockey sweaters holding sticks, you better run for your life. Timon is an adorable meerkat whose philosophy in life is Hakuna Matata. Email him at sports@nyunews.com.