Se n ior P r i n t s The
Sylvania Northview High School
June 1, 2007
Senior Issue
SENIOR GOOD-BYES Pages 2 & 3 What do our CoEditors have to say before they head off to college?
#1 in class faces smuggling charges Greg Adkins News E di tor Northview’s valedictorian of the senior class, Wang Pan, was stopped by U.S. Customs officials when he returned from his recent trip to China. He was selected as a suspicious character and was therefore subjected to a more intensive screening process. Pan had to undergo a full body and luggage search that did not immediately reveal anything suspicious other than the shade his face turns upon deep blushing. However, the intensive search of his luggage and packages turned up a litter of infant panda bears, three to be exact. This illegal transportation is a major offense, on par with smuggling illegal immigrants. The fact that the pandas are classified as “highly dangerous” by international standards makes the crime more serious. Airport security and a local battalion of National Guardsmen are currently holding Pan as they wait for federal interrogation specialists from the Federal Bureau of Investigation and the National Security Agency to arrive. Pan is a suspected member of the international terrorist faction known as the Panda Liberation Organization, or the P.L.O. This group has been responsible for multiple attacks on zoos across the United States and other countries in the effort of freeing trapped panda bears. The PLO has also used ill-tempered pandas in malicious schemes to bring down the organized governments of the democratic world. One U.S. senator, who wishes to remain anonymous, returned to his office after a dinner party one night to find a panda had eaten all of his bamboo plants, and his dog, Sweet Cheeks, with them. Animal control was able to remove the panda by way of a sniper on an adjacent roof loaded with an extra heavy dose of tranquilizer. If Pan is found to indeed be involved with this group he will most likely face life in prison or possibly even extradition to any of a number of countries that would all push for execution. As of now, his valedictorianship has been taken away and he will not be graduating. In addition, Harvard College has severed all ties with the convict and will never permit him to set foot on their campus. The admissions department there had no comment on the issue except that their program is one of prestige and they do not wish to be involved in any kinds of scandal or lawlessness involving pandas. An exclusive interview with Pan revealed his opinion on the subject. He doesn’t believe any harm has been done and so he feels the consequences might be a little severe. He denies any and all connections with the dangerous PLO despite the fact that his actions resemble similar crimes from organization members. Pan claims he just wanted to bring the pandas as presents for his friends, but the NSA is checking into the matter. Pan is currently being held in a federal detention facility for international criminals in San Diego, CA. Pan now plans to study for his G.E.D. while serving his prison sentence that is sure to ensue and then he hopes to get into Owens and maybe someday become a registered nurse.
COLLEGES Pages 4 & 5 From Ohio State to Harvard
Volume 81
MORE GOOD-BYES Pages 6 & 7 Deep thoughts or just fun farewells, you decide!
Mr. Jesse working for aliens K atie Li tzer E di tori a l s E di tor There have been many unanswered questions about Northview’s new principal, Mr. Stewart Jesse. Is he really from California? How does a military history major become a principal? Is he in cahoots with Governor Schwarzenegger and plotting to overtake the earth’s youth, one school at a time? It has been said that Mr. Jesse isn’t strictly human. Either he was born in a strange shadow from the ends of the earth, or he found a way to unlock a forbidden gate. His extensive military background has allowed him to conjure the darkness that is Cthulhu. This mystical creature is what has taken over NV and is transforming the students into a military operating system. In the next few years, Sylvania will surely see a change in the educational system. Cthulhu, the most merciless creature in the world, will come and take the students into his abyss of darkness that is the black sea of infinity. Soon, the students will see what is to become their new reality. They will either go mad from the revelation, or flee from the new “dark age.” Mr. Jesse has become the right hand man of the beast Cthulhu. His irrefutable scheme being that with the assistance of Governor Schwarzenegger, they will vanquish the modern world. This team that is Stewart Jesse and Arnold Schwarzenegger are known as the “Cthulhu Cult.” The oddity of this affiliation has transfixed the two men and they have become the commanders of this covert operation. This congregation only communicates in hieroglyphics to insure the confidentiality of
Meredith Lodge LOOKING A LITTLE GREEN while under the influence of Cthulhu, principal Stewart Jesse enjoys a can of raspberry Dr Pepper, a known link to Cthulhu. their affairs. Mr. Jesse received his capacious education from Miskatonic University in Arkham, Massachusetts. His studies ranged from art, at the Pickman Art Institute, to military history. The university has one location in California, where Mr. Jesse attended in his last year of school. He leads his daily life by the Miskatonic University code, “a small sacrifice for knowledge.” Although NV has a new school leader,
Northviewians cannot be subjected to this distortion of the education system. They must unite together and banish this abominable barbarian. The only way to do this is to band together as a united front and utter the almost unpronounceable jumble of letters, “Cthulhu fhtangm.” *Excerpts of this article are taken from H.P. Lovecraft Call of Cthulhu and Pickman’s Model.
NV conspiracy to take over UT Media Day revealed Jackie Zureich C o-E di tor-In- Chie f A conspiracy surrounding the University of Toledo Media Day was recently discovered on May 11. Police were tipped off about a plot to switch the Media Day first place of the Best Overall Newspaper Full Size/Tabloid 9 issues or more award winners. According to Dr. H.P. Lovecraft, a popular science fiction author, select members of The Student Prints staff subconsciously, using mind manipulation powers not of this world, subjected the judges of the Media Day to intense alien brain control. Through this method they were able to convince the judges that they were the true winners of Media Day. As the awards were announced, The Students Prints won many second place awards, while The Catalyst continued to take home the first place awards. Therefore, when The Student Prints was announced as the winners of the Best Overall Newspaper, they were shocked. This event triggered an investigation. They first questioned Dr. Paul Many, the Media Day chair. He was confused when they argued why they should be the winners because he completely agreed and could not remember why The Student Prints was given the first place award. He casually informed The Catalyst that of course they were the winners and assured them a proper investigation would occur. Meanwhile, The Catalyst, knowing that they were the real winners announced their victory. As the investigation continued, Dr. Many hired alien expert Dr. H.P. Lovecraft to assist him in the mystery. After more than two weeks, and severe scientific research, the doctors concluded that some members of The Student Prints were in
Meredith Lodge UNDER MIND CONTROL are Students Prints staff members Greg Adkins and Kimmy Yark. fact extraterrestrials, under the control of Mr. Jesse, their alien leader. Media Day could not take away The Students Prints award since they already had it in their possession. However, The Catalyst rightly received their first place award. “I’m so happy that The Catalyst got their first place award because it’s just wrong to use mind control for something like that. If I would have known that members of my own staff did that I would have stomped on our award at the banquet,” said junior Megan Firestone. The police are unable to prosecute at this time for lack of evidence, but Dr. H.P. Lovecraft hopes to have enough soon to expose
the colony of non-humans rapidly growing in the NV community. However, the suspicion is growing because of odd behavior that has recently been exhibited in three Student Prints staff members. Seniors Kimmy Yark, Wang Pan and Greg Adkins all remain on the defensive saying that they “had nothing to do with the recent Media Day controversy.” Everyone, including several other members of The Student Prints, has been denying the conspiracy’s existence. But they are all under close observation, and until there is enough to prove their guilt, the University of Toledo Media Day conspiracy remains a mystery.