MAXIM Australia November 2013

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H AW K I N S TOPS DEFIN OUR IT LIST! IVE

FEATURING...

MIRANDA

KERR JESSICA

GOMES SAMARA

WEAVING DELTA

GOODREM JA’MIE

KING

CHRIS

LILLEY CLIFF DIVING FOR DUMMIES

AND MANY MORE!

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Contents

⊲ OF RICE AND MEN P.46 Benihana is one of the most well-known practitioners of food-flair (it’s like flairtending but with food – we made it up).

Follow the thrills and spills that happened when one intrepid MAXIM writer worked at this teppanyaki powerhouse.

⊲ CIRCUS MAXIMUS P.14 Christina Aguilera hits all the right notes in lingerie, Chris Lilley makes dick jokes dressed as a teenage girl, and a man who leaps off cliffs for a living.

⊲ MACHINES P.34 Last month’s cover model, and proud Kawasaki ambassador, Lauryn Eagle, reviews her weapon of choice: the Ninja.

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HOT 1OO 2013

⊲ JACKASS: THE ORAL HISTORY P.36 With the spinoff film, Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa, out mid-November, we thought it was time to go back to where the pooing, puking, and sack-kicking began, so we interviewed the key players about it.

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⊲ HEALTH + FITNESS P.68 Pro BMX racer, Luke Madill, who now also dabbles in a bit of coaching, breaks down the body of a two-wheeled speedster.

A field guide to gonzo.

No, no, the journalism – not the POV filth you’re thinking of.

Matthew Thompson has engaged in drinking marathons with Serbian nationalists and cycled on opium, so he knows all the secrets.

An invitation to tap melons (of the fruit variety), and the definitive guide to pairing cheese with Scotch Whisky. Yeah, we can be refined and shit when we wanna be.

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Danny Trejo returns as yet another namedfor-a-knife character in Machete Kills and Dizzee Rascal chats about rollercoasters.

⊲ TRAVEL P.70

⊲ BAR P.42

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⊲ RATED P.50

⊲ 24 HOURS TO LIVE P.82 Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg, the comic force behind This Is The End, discuss a final day spent having interspecies intercourse.

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MAXIM AUSTRALIA PHONE: +612-9387-3180 MAIL: PO Box 230, Double Bay NSW 1360 EMAIL: maxim@maxim.com.au WEB: www.maxim.com.au FACEBOOK: www.facebook.com/maximau TWITTER: www.twitter.com/maxim_au

COVER PHOTO: © HUGH HAMILTON

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alented girls, model girls, beautiful girls, actor girls, impressive girls, weather girls, clever girls, surfer girls, amazing girls, pop star girls, delicious girls, rock star girls, artistic girls, sports star girls, exquisite girls, reality TV girls, funny Damsel in distress: Jennifer Hawkins girls, government girls, spicy (reluctantly posing with Santi) is our HOT 100 golden girl girls, newsreader girls, great girls, DJ girls, hypnotic girls, Bonds girls, incredible girls, royalty girls, commercial girls, gutsy girls, blogger girls, wonderful girls, soap star girls, brilliant girls, TV presenter girls, Paralympian girls, extraordinary girls, politician’s daughters girls, stunning girls, fitness girls, guy-dressed-as-a-high-school-girl-for-a-funny-TVshow girls, magnificent girls, sexy girls, cool girls, HOT girls.

Welcome to the 2013 MAXIM HOT 100 – our annual, eclectic, definitive list of the most gifted and gorgeous Australian women who have impressed – and undressed – this year. There’s an abundance of fine femmes who have wowed us with their aptitude, intellect, sexiness, humour, coolness, physical attributes, and overall mega-talents, for you to feast on. And yes, the lady pictured above (with some weirdo who spends most of his waking hours watching 'How To Twerk' videos on YouTube) even gets a mention.

So, until next month, sit back, grab a beer, and enjoy this super-sizzling special collector’s edition – and feel free to drop me a line (email: spintado@nuclear.com.au ; Twitter: @Spin111) to tell us what you think.

EDITORIAL EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: Santi Pintado (spintado@nuclear.com.au) ASSOCIATE EDITOR: Daniel Steiner (dsteiner@nuclear.com.au) ART DIRECTOR: Luke Shaddock (lshaddock@nuclear.com.au) GROOMING EDITOR: Shonagh Walker MOTORING: Bill Varetimidis GAMING & TECH: Chris Stead STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER: Wayne Daniels CONTRIBUTORS Nicky Bomba, Dan Bova, Renae Carlson, Lauryn Eagle, Steven Leckhart, Nick Leftley, Matt Murphy, Marc Spitz, Matthew Thompson PHOTOGRAPHERS Anwita + Arun, Daniel Boud, Renae Carlson, Mark Liddell, Jonathan Snyder, Matthew Thompson, John Tsiavis, Jeffrey Westbrook ILLUSTRATORS Jason Schneider, John Ueland

ADVERTISING National Advertising Manager Drew Haywood (dhaywood@nuclear.com.au)

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NUCLEAR MEDIA MANAGING DIRECTOR: Michael Downs MARKETING DIRECTOR: Natalie Downs MAXIM Australia is published in Australia and New Zealand by Nuclear Enterprises Pty Ltd, trading as Nuclear Media. ABN 88 241 311 732. PO Box 1382, Bondi Junction NSW 1355. +612-9387-3180. info@nuclear.com.au.

Distributed by Gordon & Gotch, 1300-650-666. No part of this magazine may be reproduced without the written consent of Nuclear Media. No responsibility is accepted for accuracy of advertisements or information. Opinions voiced in MAXIM Australia are the opinions of the writers and may not reflect the opinions of Nuclear Media.

Any editorial submissions to MAXIM Australia become the property of Nuclear Media. ISSN 1839 0641.

The name “MAXIM” and the logo thereof are registered trademarks of Alpha Media Group Inc., which trademarks have been licensed in Australia to Nuclear Media. Copyright © 2011 Alpha Media Publishing, Inc. MAXIM® is a registered trademark owned by Alpha Media Group Inc. All rights reserved. MAXIM is published monthly by Alpha Media Publishing, Inc. 415 Madison Ave, New York, NY 10017.

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© 2013 Alpha Media Publishing, Inc. The name “MAXIM” ® and the MAXIM logo are registered trademarks of Alpha Media Group Inc., which trademarks have been licensed to Nuclear Media. MAXIM ® is a registered trademark owned by Alpha Media Group Inc. All rights reserved. The United States edition of Maxim is published monthly by Alpha Media Publishing, Inc. 415 Madison Avenue, New York, NY 10017. For international publishing or licensing inquiries: maximworld@maxim.com

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The&Voice The Body She’s a pop music icon, is back as a coach on the US version of The Voice, and is at her hottest ever. Sex goddess

CHRISTINA AGUILERA has got us spinning in our chairs.

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here are only a handful of performers who are recognisable from one name alone. And since doing a sexy photo shoot of Sting didn’t seem like a great idea, we’d like to reintroduce you to someone known simply as Christina.

And if we say so ourselves, she looks sexier than ever.

The 32-year-old is at the top of her career, starring as a judge /coach on the new season of The Voice; producing her latest perfume, Unforgettable; and even spending time in Rwanda as a UN ambassador for the World Food Program.

All that and she even found the time to give us a surefire way to get her in the mood.

(Hint: It involves a dairy product.)

Is sexiness something that can’t be taught?

God, that’s a loaded question! Let me put it this way: On The Voice we start off blind.

The coaches can’t see anybody, but there’s always a feeling you get from somebody’s voice. So I think when you have it innately, it’s bound to show up. Society has so many different opinions about what’s sexy, provoc­ative, and trashy versus classy. I’ve definitely run the gamut of exploring and getting so many different opinions out of people.

If your famous triple-kiss with Madonna and Britney Spears at the 2003 VMAs happened today, would it be such a big deal?

How do you define sexy?

I’m such a down-to-earth girl, I’m comfortable in just a jersey and boy’s underwear. Trying too hard to be sexy is the worst thing you can do. Sexiness should be effortless.

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Does a guy need to be able to sing to turn you on?

Not at all! The quickest way for me to feel weird and run for the hills is if somebody sits down and serenades me with a guitar.

It’s not my thing.

So what guys do you like?

I love genuine guys; that’s why I pretty much stay away from celebrities. I don’t care about money, because, trust me, I can support myself.

What I love is a protective bear. The one place I don’t need to be in control is the bedroom; I like for a man to take control there. Sometimes being sexual with my partner is a great way to blow off steam at the end of a hard day’s work. I’m not the girl who’s going to be too tired.

What gets you excited?

Foreplay is really important, even if it’s just a tender kiss on the neck. It’s important to remember to do the little things that lead up to getting in the mood. The best date for me would be if I came home from work and was greeted with a homemade – no, not takeout – grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of wine. You set that up with a little tablecloth and some flowers and light one candle.

The simpler, the sexier. And if that doesn’t fly for the girl you’re with, then I’m not sure she’s worth your time.

This shoot is taken from your third appearance in MAXIM US. It’s safe to assume they missed you.

Thank you. It’s exciting to be back! I think at this point in my life it’s all about celebrating my sexuality. And let’s be honest, I’ve never been one to shy away from my sexuality.

That could be the understatement of the year.

Exactly. My first MAXIM cover came out when I was about 21 and just chomping at the bit, ready to come out of my cage and explore my independence.

My second one was a couple of years later, and now, at this point in my life, I’m even more comfortable in my own skin. It was nice to unleash the inner Christina and let her come out and play.

As a woman, with age comes the freedom of knowing exactly what you want.

How should a guy introduce something different in the bedroom?

Everything should be open for conversation, especially if two partners have been together for a long time. But you can’t force your ideas on someone.

If you sense your partner is uncomfortable, then approach it in a different way or let it go for now.

I think with time people’s senses get more and more numb to the shock value of things. Provocativeness is so casual now. You had Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl” on the radio, and Rihanna is so comfortable about her sexuality. I had a girl crush on her for a hot minute, by the way, because I love females who go for it and aren’t afraid to piss people off. But that particular event with Madonna I barely even recall, to be honest. I’m all about real connection and fantasy and role-playing.

Finally, we need to ask: Who was cooler back in the Mickey Mouse Club days – Ryan Gosling or Justin Timberlake?

They were both very charismatic, but I think I have to shy away from the question.

I don’t want this to bite me in the butt later.

They were tight, you know. They’d walk around together all the time, same as me and Britney would. Now look at us.

It’s funny how that played out.

Dan Bova

PHOTOS: MARK LIDDELL; STYLING: SIMONE HAROUCHE/MARGARET MALDONADO; STYLING ASSISTANT: JESSY CAIN; HAIR: DAVID BABAII HAIR CARE; MAKE-UP: SCOTT BARNES/IVYELEVEN.COM USING DIOR COSMETICS; MANICURE: ALLISON TU; PRODUCTION: 3 STAR PRODUCTIONS

“The one place I don’t need to be in control is the bedroom.”

LINGERIE: AGENT PROVOCATEUR HEELS: CHRISTIAN LOUBOUTIN NECKLACE: TACORI RINGS: LOREE RODKIN (LEFT) DRESS: KIKI DE MONTPARNASSE HEELS: CHRISTIAN LOUBOUTIN BONDAGE RING: LOREE RODKIN SNAKE RING: SORELLINA/ AVAILABLE AT ROSEARK DIAMOND AND STACK RINGS: SETHI COUTURE/ AVAILABLE AT BROKEN ENGLISH EARRINGS: C. GREENE/ AVAILABLE AT BROKEN ENGLISH (OPENING SPREAD) LINGERIE: AGENT PROVOCATEUR HEELS: CHRISTIAN LOUBOUTIN SEQUIN TOP: CO DIAMOND AND STACK RINGS: SETHI COUTURE/ AVAILABLE AT BROKEN ENGLISH OTHER RINGS: JACQUIE AICHE CUFF: COLETTE/ AVAILABLE AT BROKEN ENGLISH

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ASKMAXIM IS IT POSSIBLE TO FART, COUGH, AND SNEEZE ALL AT ONCE?

If you’ve got a question you want answered, send it to us at: maxim@maxim.com.au

Why do I forget my dreams as soon as I wake up?

—Frank Ranallo, via email Sadly, it’s yet another threesome you’ll never see materialise.

Coughing and sneezing use the same muscles and reflexes, so they can’t happen simultaneously, according to Marc I. Leavey, MD, at Mercy Medical Center in Baltimore. But happily for our inquisitive readers, he adds, “These same muscles increase intraabdominal pressure, which could encourage the expulsion of gas.”

Two out of three ain’t bad! (Except for whoever is sitting next to you.)

—William Khounsombath, via email Two reasons. One: Since dreams are a function of our unconscious, we can’t directly access them while we’re awake. “If you recall certain fragments, your unconscious is trying to tell you something,” psychoanalyst Carole Lieberman, MD, tells us. Which brings us to two: So psychoanalysts can get paid to listen to your boring dreams.

Why are letters on a keyboard laid out that way?

—Doug Greenberg, via email

$310 MILLION About how much US folk spend on Halloween costumes for their pets. The Hulk fists for your gerbil were totally worth it.

150

Number of times a day people check their phones.

Nope, she didn’t return your sext yet.

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Percentage of women who say they’ve had a relationship with someone they met at a bar. Beer goggles work both ways.

ILLUSTRATIONS: JASON SCHNEIDER

“The theories are that it was created to prevent typewriters from jamming up by separating commonly used letters, or telegraph operators designed it to reduce finger movement,” says Andrew Hsu, PhD, product strategist for Synaptics. It became standard in 1893, after a five-way typewriter-company merger – hot!

MA IM MOUTH

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LILLEY With the release of his new show, Ja’mie: Private School Girl, the comic genius sits down for a chat about sexy photo shoots, overzealous fans, and predatory pelicans When you’re making a new show, does the concept or the character come first?

In this case, Ja’mie already existed, but it varies. With Angry Boys the concept came first. Ja’mie’s a fun character to write but a very hard character to play. Dressed as a teenage girl all day, every day – it’s gruelling.

Plus, she’s so far removed from me.

Tell us some things you learnt about the world of teenage girls in your research.

Teenage girls always think they’re the first people to ever be teenage girls. I like to do a lot of interviews before the show as research and one of the girls goes, “Um, a lot of us say, ‘Oh, my God.’ We say, ‘Oh, my God’ a lot.’

And I’m thinking, ‘Yeah, people have been saying that for years.’ I learnt all the texting and social media lingo but there are things Ja’mie says on the show where the girls were like, “What are you talking about? No one says that.” In this series she’s into boys and there’s a lot more relationship stuff, but the way she talks about boys – “I just really wanna see his dick!” – isn’t how girls think, I’m told.

Is it harder to interview people and observe behaviour publicly now that you’re so well known?

It’s hard. You sit down and people think they’re co-writing the show. Like, “OK, so you need to play a mum. I’m a ballet dancer. I can be in it if you want?” This sounds weird but my niece is 16 years old and I went to pick her up from this party – two hours early. So I just hung around and sussed out their behaviour.

Lurking around at my niece’s parties and sleepovers really came in handy. I can see that as the breakout quote: “I love to lurk around at teenage girls’ sleepover parties.” Great.

Your shows always court controversy.

Does that amuse you?

Yeah. I’ve already spotted all the moments that will inspire A Current Affair segments.

I don’t want to upset people purposefully, but when things are taken out of context or blown out of proportion, it’s funny. I don’t actually realise when I’m writing or shooting but when it’s being edited together it’s like, “Hang on, this mentions suicide so many times.” To be honest, the whole thing amuses me. I mean, I’m running around dressed like a schoolgirl.

True. A grown man dressed as a schoolgirl shouldn’t be this entertaining.

Some of her outfits are pretty crazy, too. And, as with any girl that age, she’s very touchy with the other girls. When I take a step back, yeah, it’s weird. I do think most people watch it and only think about the character, though – they forget it’s me.

Would you call yourself a perfectionist?

I don’t think so. I just think I’m really passionate about the projects I’m doing, so I want to give it everything. I’m not a perfectionist but I’m very interested in all the details of the world. That’s why it takes me a long time to make a show.

Believe it or not, one of these people is not a teenage girl

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Last time we spoke – in Issue One – you mentioned reality TV being a large influence. Would you ever appear on a reality show?

It’s not something I’d normally do but I’d

never say never. I really love Big Brother and I think it’d be interesting to be on that. I do get asked to do shows – like, “Can Mr. G do The X Factor?” – but it’s never as Chris Lilley.

Do you get approached by fans much?

All the time. Later in the night, after people have had a few, it can be a bit full-on. Maybe because I do comedy people think I’m really approachable but most of the time I’m freaking out, thinking, ‘What do I have to do to keep you happy?’ when I get approached.

A lot of the time they’ll yell a quote at me.

How do I react to that? It’s a bit awkward.

Sometimes they’ll ask me to do a character, and I have a couple of times, but it just gets uncomfortable after. People are generally nice but sometimes you’ll get some dickhead who wants to tell you what was wrong with your last show and their ideas for future projects.

If there were a Chris Lilley biopic, who would you want to play you?

Stephen Curry’s got a good chance. We’ve been confused for each other. I’ve walked down the street and people have yelled out, “The Castle!”

What do you think Ja’mie would make of MAXIM? She does dabble in a bit of modelling, so she’d be pretty chuffed to get a spot in the magazine. She also dabbles in a bit of bisexuality, so she might even buy a copy.

We’ve done a few ridiculous, “sexy” photo shoots for the show, which, for some reason, came really naturally to me. We did a wet school uniform shoot – that was just wrong.

It’s our HOT 100 issue. Who do you think is the hottest woman in Australia?

Ja’mie, definitely. I don’t mind a bit of Miranda Kerr. How about Sonia Kruger?

Put Krugs down. See, I know she’ll come up to me at the Logies and be like, “Why did you nominate me for the list?”

“I don’t really do impersonations.

I’m actually shit at doing accents, too.”

Speaking of which, where do you keep your Logies?

I used to have them tucked away but I’ve got a nice little shelf for them now. Actually, my mum comes to stay with me sometimes and she… likes to polish my Logie.

Alrighty then! Do you think the Ibis is the scariest bird?

I kinda like birds. I don’t have a bird phobia. I have a rodent phobia, though. There are way scarier birds than the Ibis. I saw a documentary about pelicans and they scoop up other baby birds in their beaks and eat them.

When was the last time you cried?

I was watching Ricky Gervais’s [new show] Derek the other day and it was probably during that.

But I was really hungover as well, so that may have been a factor.

PHOTO: JOHN TSIAVIS; INTERVIEW: DANIEL STEINER

Who do you do a really good impersonation of?

Because of what I do, that often comes up, but I don’t really do impersonations. I’m actually shit at doing accents, too.

Most people are. Accents rarely sounds as good as they do in your head.

It usually comes out as General Foreign Guy. It’s a bit Indian, by way of Scotland and Ireland, with a variation of an Asian accent.

What’s the best advice you ever received?

Stop worrying. It’s definitely anything to do with “worrying is a waste of time” or something basic like that. Don’t worry, be happy.

Ja’mie: Private School Girl premieres Wednesday, October 23 at 9pm on ABC1

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Take a Flying Leap Red Bull cliff diver STEVEN LoBUE talks you through a 30m dive. Try not to break your neck

out are travelling stunt shows at fairs or theme parks. You’ll climb up a 30m ladder and jump into a small pool, and from there divers will go, ‘OK, what’s my next challenge?’ You start adding the technical manoeuvres once you’re comfortable with the height.”

KNOW 2 YOUR PLACE “There are so many external factors to consider in these exotic locations. Swirling winds will push you around like a rag doll. Ocean swells can change hundreds of hours of practice in an instant. Shallow waters have almost cost a diver his life by snapping his femur like a twig.”

ASK THE GRILL TEAM

The trio from Triple M’s Grill Team in Sydney – Matty Johns, Mark Geyer, and Gus Worland – answer a tough topic each month

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GO MENTAL 3 “Before bed every night, re-create how the dive feels emotionally.

Your nervous system will kick into overdrive and your heart speeds up, so practice calming yourself down. I’ve frozen on the platform. If something bad crosses your mind, you have to reassess what you’re doing. Keep thinking positively.”

GO HIGHER 4 “It seems counterintuitive since you’re already so high in the air, but a stronger takeoff has a high correlation with a vertical entry. A wimpy takeoff will affect your ability to do all the flips and twists, and you’ll only have a split second to figure out how to make the best of the situation.”

FEET FIRST “Keep your legs together and your arms straight down to break a hole in the water.

And land as vertical as possible. Once I was a few degrees off and cracked my tailbone. Water can turn into concrete at the wrong angle.”

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THIS MONTH: WHO IS THE HOTTEST WOMAN IN AUSTRALIA?

GUS: Look, I’m going with Lauryn Eagle, and the reason I am choosing her is because she comes into The Grill Team studio regularly, she’s always a knockabout , she’s a really nice lady, and she’s pretty much the perfect woman.

I can definitely see why she’s in the top 10 of the MAXIM Hot 100.

MG: Look, I can’t go past my tried and proven in Jennifer Hawkins.

Every time she comes into the Triple M studio I try to look for a fault in her but can never find anything wrong. She’s absolutely stunning. Some people think she doesn’t look as good these days – they say she’s had a bit of work done – but this is why opinions vary.

MATTY: The woman I’m going to go for is... Look, The Grill Team did an outside broadcast at a really nice location not so long ago and there was a lady there who was absolutely, unbelievably stunning – and her name is Vicky Worland [Gus Worland’s wife]. But you wouldn’t believe the bloke she’s married to. Seriously, what a grub.

PHOTOS: RED BULL CONTENT POOL

A 30m plunge in Wadi Shab, JOIN A CIRCUS 1 Oman.

He’s “The main actually still places descending for cliff divers to start

10 THINGS WE

ALWAYS

JASON BIGGS The American Pie star discusses his new prison dramedy, Orange Is The New Black , and brags about his tremendous anal control WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU HAD TO APOLOGISE FOR?

I got pulled over the other day by a cop because I stopped for an emergency vehicle that was a couple blocks ahead of me, but I pulled over to the left side instead of the right side and I had to apologise to the cop so he wouldn’t give me a ticket.

ASK…

WHAT’S THE ONE THING TO REMEMBER IN A FISTFIGHT?

That getting punched really f—king hurts!

WHAT’S THE WORST HANGOVER YOU’VE EVER HAD? The worst was flying from Las Vegas to Seattle.

I went from partying in Las Vegas, then I had to fly up to Seattle for a film festival and I was still like, I’d had zero sleep, I was still messed up, and I had to land and do interviews on a red carpet.

It was just a nightmare.

DO YOU HAVE A SCAR THAT TELLS A STORY?

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON TO SEE YOU NAKED?

Well, I would say my wife, but I’m sure someone has watched American Reunion today, and I show my dick in that, so… On Twitter, I can see people writing me, almost every day, someone’s like, “Hey, I just saw American Reunion, I just saw your dick, hey, congratulations on that.” So almost every day, some stranger around the world is seeing my dick.

WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR?

Just emotional ones. Plenty of emotional ones that tell all kinds of weird stories.

DO YOU HAVE A PARTY TRICK?

WHAT’S THE BIGGEST THING YOU’VE EVER PUT IN YOUR MOUTH?

Well, I put my foot in my mouth almost daily, and that’s a size 9½. I guess I’m going to have to go with the figurative answer, because I don’t know literally.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE CURSE WORD? F—king c—t.

Jason’s acting legacy: wistful look, dick in hand.

A party trick?

Well, I have a really amazing ability to, um…

I have great anal control. For my farts. When I fart, I can really squeeze it out for a really long time. Like, I can control the pitch and the length of my farts because I have really good control of the anus muscle.

My first car was a 1996 black Toyota Corolla. My dad had it for a while. He just sold it a couple years ago. I put rims on it, like chrome, dope rims, and put a sound system in, tinted the windows – man, this thing was hardcore. My dad put all the original stuff back on, though.

FINISH THIS SENTENCE: IF I RULED THE WORLD FOR A DAY, I WOULD…

If I ruled the world for a day?

[Laughs weirdly] Jesus, my mind’s going so many f—ked up places. [Laughs weirdly again].

Oh gosh, I would… Oh my gosh, oh man. I really don’t know!

F—k, dude.

Orange Is The New Black airs Wednesdays at 8.30pm on Foxtel’s showcase 24

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INTERVIEW: NICK LEFTLEY

THE SAME

Master racer

The final, most punishing obstacle race of the year is the Spartan Beast, which takes place on November 2 in Sydney. Australia’s best obstacle course racer, Matt Murphy, is currently in position to seize the 2013 Australian Spartan Race series. He talks about one of the world’s fastest-growing sports and shares his freakish training routine

Do you still remember your first obstacle race?

My first-ever obstacle race was in 2008 and I loved it.

It was 7km of mud, obstacles, and a load of hard work.

I remember it was a cold winter’s day and I took a huge training group [Matt works

as a personal trainer] down with me. I ended up winning, which was kind of cool. That’s where I got the bug – and here we are five years later.

How does Spartan Race differ from the other obstacle races out there?

Spartan Race, to me, is the pinnacle of obstacle racing.

It’s not just a race – it’s simply

a full physical and mental challenge. When you cross that line, you think back to the course and go, “Holy shit, I can’t believe I got through that!”The added element of the [30] burpees if you fail an obstacle is what makes it distinct as well. You fail, you pay the price.

For those at home who lack motivation, how do you adhere to your regime?

Lack of motivation… Every day I think how lucky I am I have

two feet and a heartbeat – and I feel that it is an injustice not to use them. Whether you’re a competitive athlete or just someone trying to stay fit, we only get one crack at life, so I think we need to make the most of it, jump out of bed, put our shoes on, and get moving. Thousands of people who physically can’t would line up to be able to work out, so don’t take it for granted.

Failure to negotiate an obstacle means 30 burpees

The flash mob from hell

Best not to wear your classiest outfit to Spartan Race

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What are the best and worst things about Spartan Race?

The community around Spartan Race is amazing. And people travel from far and wide to compete in and complete a Spartan race. The course alone is always a major obstacle in itself: the terrain – from long grass, crazy steep hills, creeks that seem to run forever, and did I mention the steep hills?

The worst thing is that there isn’t one on every weekend!

With all the exercise you do, how do you avoid injury?

Injuries suck. We all know that and, trust me, I have had my fair share. Doing strength work on your weaknesses is what I believe works. If you have a good, strong foundation, avoiding injuries is a hell of a lot easier.

What is your weakness?

Doing too much – not knowing when enough is enough. I am getting a lot better at it and don’t make this mistake too often anymore. I am trying to get my head in the space of “less is more” but that takes time and patience.

Can you tell us a bit about your TV show Search4Hurt?

Search4Hurt was an amazing experience that involved training with Australia’s best athletes and teams, showcasing how hard they have to work to be where they are, and also getting to compete in some of Australia’s most famous endurance events. The show is airing on ESPN now and it’s so great to see it all come together. A big goal of mine was to show the community how hard athletes and teams at the top of their game really have to work day in, day out.

Matt’s Weekly Workout He says: “I like to go hard one day and easy the next. Below is my typical training week”

Monday Long run. Depends on your fitness level and the length of the race you are going to tackle but I’d suggest somewhere between one and three hours if you’re going to take on the Spartan Beast.

Today is also a gym day. I like to work on all my strength training, weaknesses, and injury prevention exercises three times per week.

In your gym sessions, try to think about the muscles you use when running a race, as they are the muscles that need to get strong.

Legs, butt, and core are huge ones for me.

Tuesday Seeing as I had a solid day yesterday, complement it with an easy day. For me, that’s an easy 10km run.

Wednesday Track work (speed running). Yes, you need to be strong for a Spartan Race, but the ability to run fast and stay relaxed is a huge plus. So, depending on your distance, you’re going to race anywhere from 8 x 400m all the way up to 8 – 10 x 1000m reps.

Again, another gym day.

Thursday Easy day. You should be smashed after yesterday. Where there is super-hard training, there also has to be really good quality rest. I like to try and get a swim in if possible.

How fun is a rope climb when your legs are howling in agony?

Friday My double-run day, plus a gym

If you didn’t find it tough enough already, yes, there’s also fire

session. If not a double run for you, just try and make sure you hit the hills. Strength endurance in a Spartan race is HUGE, so you need to be a strong runner. This means you don’t cry on the hills.

Saturday Race day. I usually only do short cross-county or, if there are no races, it’s family day.

I’ll chill out with my wife Elyse and do things that we can’t get done through the week because of work and training.

Sunday I live for Sundays. This is where I put the money in the bank and do a huge session. Imagine the hardest session you can put together in your head to make you physically and mentally tough. For me and the guys I train with, it’s anywhere from two-to-four hours of craziness: loads of cardio and a heap of heavy hill work. Once again, the duration of the session will depend on the length of your race.

The Burpee l like to incorporate the burpee into each hard day of training.

So when I think to myself, ‘This is so hard my legs hurt and my heart hurts’ – BOOM – that’s where I add in 10-to-30 burpees. I treat it just like the race: you are suffering, but you need to get stuck into those burpees no matter what the situation is, so just do it.

For more on the race: spartanrace.com.au/ For more on Matt: mattmurphy.com.au/

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Vince Vaughn

ICON

THE FAST-TALKING WRITER AND STAR OF THE INTERNSHIP ON LIFE, MOVIES, AND FAKE ORPHANS a sense of humour about themselves.

But they didn’t finance the movie; there was no product placement in the movie.

Are you a tech-savvy kind of guy?

No. I didn’t own a cell phone for a long time. I was late in the game on that.

How late?

Maybe two years ago I got a cell phone.

Really?

Once my wife was pregnant, I got one. For me, I always enjoyed my time not being able to be reached. I was never in such a hurry to be on the phone. I’d see people on the phone all the time and it starts to seem like you’re a hamster on a wheel. So I’m not a big gadget guy. When I write, I’ll do the whole thing by hand, and then I’ll put it into the computer.

In Swingers we weren’t trying to come up with catchphrases.

These were things we said in real life.

How did Google react to the idea?

I wrote the first draft very quickly, and then I went to Google. It was important to me that we could use the name of a company that really exists instead of coming up with a fake company. They were welcoming and willing to have

Do you Google yourself?

No. You’re responsible for some of the most quotable lines in cinematic history. What do people quote back to you the most?

Probably lines from Swingers – “You’re so money” and “beautiful babies” – but I can tell you we weren’t trying to come up with catchphrases.

These were things we said and Propeller hats or exaggerated Owen Wilson’s nose: you decide in the script what ’s funnier because we

thought they were fun for a character to say. There was no understanding or handicapping that this could be more.

Our favourite quote of yours is, “Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!”

That’s not really a question; we just felt the need to share that with you.

Well, thank you.

In The Internship, you and Owen Wilson have not-so-great jobs before you get canned. Have you had any shit jobs in your life?

For sure, yes. When I was in high school, I had a telemarketing gig where you would sell tickets to this Lake County Sheriff’s police rodeo, and you would call and say the family package would be $20 for four. They’d say, “Oh, well, we’re not interested in the rodeo”, and you’d say, “Oh, that’s OK. Would you like to send an orphan to the rodeo?” And they would sometimes say yes, they would be happy to cough up $5 to send an orphan to a rodeo. We all sat around this big table, and there was an old guy running the place who would always disappear in the back room for hours with a girl. You never knew what was going on. Every week there would be new people there. Years later I started thinking about it; I thought, ‘Were there that many orphans in Lake County?’

I’m not saying that there weren’t, but I started to get wise and think maybe there wasn’t a rodeo. At the time I was excited to get a job, but I look back and say I can’t stand getting a call from the telemarketer.

So you’ve done comedies and drama.

Is there any chance we will see you in one of your buddy Jon Favreau’s comic book movies?

Not anytime soon. I like those films.

I would never say never, but there are no plans in the future.

Any parting words?

Dorothy Mantooth is a saint.

THE INTERNSHIP IS OUT NOW ON BLU-RAY AND DIGITAL HD 28

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INTERVIEW: DAN BOVA

You wrote and star in The Internship, a story about two washed-up salesmen who enter the internship program at Google.

How did the idea come about?

I saw a 60 Minutes piece on Google as a place to work. It was such a foreign concept from what I understood as a regular job. There’s free food, sleeping pods, ping pong. I’m the kind of guy who likes to get involved in everything – I’d be all over the ping pong. I also thought, ‘Unfortunately, there are a lot of people currently losing jobs, and things are moving in different directions.’ So a lot of older people are finding themselves unemployed and without the necessary skill set that is in demand now. It’s this: Oh, gosh, where do I land? So I’m really proud of this movie. I feel like it’s really a movie of this moment we live in.

The Fastest Ferrari Ever Produced THIS ONE HAS A LOT TO LIVE UP TO perspective, that power propels it from 0 – 300km/h in 15 seconds; the Bugatti Veyron takes 19 seconds.

At the front are Ferrari 458 headlights, a pointy nose, large cutaways in the doors to allow the engine deep breaths, and an arse-end that screams pure race car.

Weighing in at 1255kg, thanks to the carbon fibre body, it achieves an epic power-to-weight ratio of 1.77kg:1kW, while the hybrid system means low emissions of 330g of CO2/km.

While the alloy wheels are 19 and 20 inches in the front and back, respectively, the front brakes equate to the size of a 16-inch alloy, meaning stopping deceleration can easily out-perform its acceleration.

With expected production numbers limited to 499 lucky rich pricks, few fans will get to experience the specialised handling, courtesy of an F1-like double wishbone front suspension and traction control connected to the hybrid system.

2013 FERRARI LAFERRARI Engine: 6.3L V12.

Transmission: Seven-speed dualclutch automatic.

Power: 588kW. Top Speed: Over 350km/h.

0-100km/h: Under three seconds.

Price: $1.69 million.

WORDS: BILL VARETIMIDIS

Essentially a new F70, quintessentially Italian, and simply the fastest road Ferrari ever made – thanks to its complex hybrid powertrain – the 6.3L V12 LaFerrari has output of 588kW. That’s already enough to make it the most powerful Ferrari, but when paired with its HY-KERS electric motor assist setup, it’s unstoppable – with power boosted to 708kW. Put into

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Sporty Spice ROVER TAKES DOWN THE COMPETITION With the Sport, Land Rover is unashamedly copying RollsRoyce, who recently launched their Wraith Coupe – the fastest-ever Rolls.

Range Rover introduced the Sport in New York City, as a

more powerful, quicker, and lighter 4WD. The lightness comes from the new aluminium body, with 420kg in weight savings overall. That diet has also contributed to fuel consumption, with 24 per cent improvements across the range.

A single-speed Torsen differential sends its power to the

2014 LAND ROVER SPORT

ground, while a two-speed lowranger is available. For those with more formidable testicles, in need of genuine off-roading, the low-range will be the champion choice, with 50/50 front-rear torque distribution on offer; 100 per cent of that can be sent to the front/rear axle if required.

Engine: 5.0L petrol V8. Hybrid due soon.

Transmission: Eightspeed automatic.

Power: 375kW. Fuel Consumption: 13.8L/100km.

0-100km/h: 5.3 seconds.

Price: $161,600.

Keep an eye out later in the year for the diesel-electric hybrid, which offers a 0-100km/h time below seven seconds.

F Yeah!

STUCK IN STORAGE FOR A WHILE BUT NOW OUT FOR GLORY – WAS IT WORTH THE WAIT?

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bypasses the mufflers.

The asking price puts it up against both Porsche’s 911 and Boxster S models – a sign Jag has arrived and put up its flag in the cutthroat sports car market.

Jag is slating a coupe version inspired by the C-X16 concept, a 2.0L turbocharged fourcylinder, and a 520kW RS mode, which will make the hairs on your scrote stand up then singe them off when you push down on the pedal.

2014 JAGUAR F TYPE V8 S Engine: Supercharged V8.

Transmission: Eightspeed Quickshift automatic.

Power: 363kW. Top Speed: 300km/h.

0-100km/h: 4.3 seconds.

Price: $228,900.

WORDS: BILL VARETIMIDIS

It’s finally here: the first twoseat Jag in 40 years and a modern take on the E-Type.

Even if you’re not a convertible convert, you’re in luck – the F-Type suits the less experienced driver. While tracking, we experienced a smooth transition into understeer in fast corners, unsettling the arse-end enough to boost adrenalin but not enough to make a mess – on the road or in our pants.

We’re divided over its use of old-school hydraulic steering.

We like that it sticks it to the recent trend toward electrical steering, and it feels full enough, but it tends to be too indifferent for the sports car it is.

On the cheat sheet, you get a grizzly growl from the V8 at the touch of a button in the centre console, which activates a valve that

Silent But Deadly LIKE ITS NAMESAKE, THIS LIGHTWEIGHT WARRIOR IS ON A COVERT OPERATION Like other Ninja models, this 300 is built with the highest quality parts, based on feedback from professional riders on the Autopolis racing circuit in Japan.

Like ninjas themselves, you won’t see it coming, as it’s often mistaken for a middleweight, but is actually the best lightweight sportbike on the market – surprising combatants with up to twice its power.

Its parallel-twin engine does more than enough, tuned for

low-to-mid-range torque in the city and high rpms on the freeway, while the digital fuel injection system assists with cold starts and fuel efficiency.

Throw your leg over and you’ll notice one of the more natural riding positions and a digital dash with an economical riding indicator (ECO), which lights up when maximum fuel economy is reached.

To deal with the heat, a floating windscreen guides

airflow around the rider’s noggin, a 2.4L oil pan keeps temperatures under boiling rate, while the Kawasaki Air Management System (KAMS) redirects hot air from the radiator to the bitumen below.

As Australia’s best-selling motorcycle since its release 12 months ago, it’s hard to beat its top dog status. But don’t just take our word for it – on the next page, Lauryn Eagle has a few thoughts on the Ninja, too.

“I wish Lauryn would ride my bike... if you know what I mean.”

Engine: Liquidcooled, 296cc, parallel-twin; eight-valves.

Transmission: Sixspeed, sealed chain.

Curb Weight: 172kg; 174kg (ABS).

Power: 29kW. Fuel Capacity: 17.0L. Overall Length: 2,015mm.

Overall Width: 715mm.

Overall Height: 1,110mm.

Wheelbase: 1,405mm.

Seat Height: 785mm.

Fuel Capacity: 17L. Price: Ninja 300 – $6,199; Ninja 300 ABS – $6,699; Ninja 300 SE – $6,399; Ninja 300 SE ABS – $6,899.

WORDS: BILL VARETIMIDIS; PHOTO: WAYNE DANIELS

Four colours available

2014 KAWASAKI NINJA 300

For more info: Kawasaki.com.au

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Soar Like An Eagle LAURYN TELLS US WHY SHE LOVES HER NINJA As an ambassador for Kawasaki, I ride the Ninja 300SE. I loved it and had a smile from earto-ear the first time I rode it.

It is a very forgiving bike and ideal for a learner such as myself. Initially I had a green Special Edition but it’s just been upgraded to a new 2014 white Special Edition model, which is my pick of the current colours.

I jump on it every chance I get, which isn’t as often as I’d like, with my new business taking up so much of my time during the week, but I still get out for a ride about two or three times a week

and on the weekends.

I like the easy handling, styling, and adjustable rear shock on the Ninja 300. The lower seat position makes it so comfortable to ride as well.

It is very lightweight for such a mean-looking machine but it certainly has good power for a 300. It also has very good brakes (thank goodness!).

The big fuel tank gives me good range on weekend road trips and fuel economy is awesome. Overall, I think it’s the best “entry level” bike on the market.

I love it!

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y r o t s i H

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ofirst time ever, the po e th r Fo . s as ck Ja e was ther nk’d, and Borat ther how they all fell toge of y or st e th ll te Before YouTube, Pu ew cr hing, vomit-spewing obsessed, ball-punc JOHNNY KNOXVILLE (co-creator, cast member, writer): Hello, my name is Johnny Knoxville, and this is the oral history of Jackass. As opposed to an anal history – which would be much longer.

Aspiring actor and writer PJ Clapp moved to Los Angeles from Tennessee after graduating high school in the late ’80s. After a decade of struggle, Clapp, nicknamed Johnny Knoxville, was married and the father of a young daughter.

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE: I was making my living doing commercials for things like ESPN, Mountain Dew, and Bud Light. I was a complete whore because I had a young baby and I needed to make money. I had an idea for an article where I would test different types of self-defence equipment on myself. A few magazines wanted the story, but nobody wanted the liability.

Everyone was fine with the pepper spray and the stun gun and the Taser gun. Where it got shady was where I was testing a bulletproof vest – with a .38.

The only magazine that would do it was [skateboarding publication] Big Brother.

TONY HAWK (über-skater, guest star): Big Brother was the rawest and funniest magazine out there, beyond just skateboarding.

The articles were dense with sarcasm, shock, and vulgarities.

Skaters ate it up.

JEFF TREMAINE (co-creator, director of every Jackass film; editor, Big Brother): One of our first articles was a guide called “How to Kill Yourself”. We had a tiny little staff. Slowly we were collecting people who “got it”. They might not have had the most talent, but they definitely had the larger personalities. Chris Pontius came through that. And I hired “Wee Man” because he worked at the local skate shop and would just come by all the time. He was very unmotivated and a terrible employee.

CHRIS PONTIUS (cast member, writer): In the eighth or ninth issue, I was interviewed in Big Brother, and it was pretty wild. I was nude, and I think I wasn’t even 18, so that was naughty. It was obvious I should write for the magazine. It took in the misfits of the skateboard world.

STEVE-O (cast member, writer): I made it my mission to track those guys down. My attitude was: Nobody needed to like me.

They just needed to put me in the magazine.

SPIKE JONZE (co-creator, producer, writer, guest star): In the late ’80s and early ’90s, no one cared about skateboarders.

There was no Internet, no other way to communicate, so everyone just made their own videos, and that’s how skateboarding communicated with itself.

JEFF TREMAINE: Our first video was called Shit. Wee Man was on the cover, painted blue, with orange-dyed hair. Shit was pretty well-received, so we decided to make the second video, called Number A taste of pa’s Two, and that’s when Bad Grand ted we met Knoxville. He was family-oriens shenanigan not a skateboarder, so he had to be even more outrageous to survive.

JEFF TREMAINE: The guys we had been working with, none of them could really talk to the camera. But Knoxville came back with this footage, and he’s just walking you through, step-by-step, and you can’t stop watching. Starting with the pepper spray, to the stun gun, and then the Taser gun, and then the bulletproof vest. It was like a snuff video. The cameraman didn’t even want to be there.

GIDEON YAGO (former MTV News correspondent): I remember seeing that video for the first time in 1999 wasted at a friend’s party, which is the way all skate videos are meant to be screened. I think Brian Graden found it the same way.

BRIAN GRADEN (former president of entertainment, MTV Networks): Johnny was so obviously a TV star, even in that small clip. I thought, ‘Who is this guy?’

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE: We had all these ideas of what a TV show might be. I would be kind of the host, like The Daily Show, and we would have all the guys come on and do stunts. Spike finally said, “You guys already have the show. The Big Brother videos – that’s the show.”

SPIKE JONZE: At the start, when we didn’t know what it was, it could be anything. We thought, “We’ll have 22 minutes on TV every week to do whatever we want. We can do anything. Let’s not underestimate what ‘anything’ is.”

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE: Jeff persuaded me to film the self-defence piece.

I wasn’t an aspiring video guy. The article was my evil attempt at imitating my hero, Hunter S. Thompson.

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Meanwhile, in West Chester, Pennsylvania, pro skateboarder Bam Margera was filming his family and friends. The videos were distributed under the CKY (Camp Kill Yourself) moniker and, like the Big Brother videos, became cult sensations.

BAM MARGERA (cast member, writer): We’d go to some park or building to skate ledges or Ollie off the stairs. I wasn’t too liked by the police, but I didn’t really have anything to lose. My aunt gave me an ’89 Buick Regal, so whenever anybody said, “Dude, you’re gonna get sued one day doing this”, I’d say, “Yeah, what are they gonna sue me for? My Buick Regal that my aunt gave me? I don’t care.”

RYAN DUNN (cast member, writer. This was one of Dunn’s final interviews before his death in a car accident in June 2011): The guys out in LA took notice of us. They were wondering who these little jerks were in West Chester doing this ridiculous stuff.

BAM MARGERA: I remember when Jeff first called me. He flew me out to LA, and I played CKY2K for him and Johnny. They just loved it. They were like, “You’d be perfect for Jackass.”

Tremaine, Jonze, and Knoxville shopped the Jackass demo footage to various networks. Saturday Night Live offered Knoxville a recurring segment, but the crew decided to go with MTV, which promised to give them more creative control.

VAN TOFFLER (president of MTV Networks): We just knew there were a bunch of knuckleheads out there who had a very high tolerance for stupidity and pain.

BRIAN GRADEN: We got pitched a stunt show every other week, but

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when I saw their video, it was clear they were taking such a joy from it. It wasn’t a TV exercise; it was what these guys were doing anyway for their own amusement.

You couldn’t fake that, and if we could just preserve it, we had a show.

TV M t h g u , I tho on, like it t m u a p 3 d t l a u t o h w nig d y l a u d o Mon d that w e v n a a , D e .– onc t a h d be t glan En

JASON “WEE MAN” ACUÑA (cast member, writer): Personally, I didn’t think it would transfer into mainstream society. I thought this stuff was only funny in the skateboard community.

DAVE ENGLAND (cast member, writer): I was a total naysayer. I said, “I’ll go ahead and work on it with you guys and get it together”, but I thought MTV would put it on, like, Monday night at 3am once, and that would be that. “No one’s gonna wanna see this crap.”

STEVE-O: Jeff told me to put together all the video footage I had and send it in. A little while later, he told me not a single clip cleared MTV. We weren’t allowed to play with fire, and I was always on fire. We weren’t allowed to jump off stuff higher than a certain height, and I was always on fire and jumping off stuff from too high. So my first thought was, ‘What kind of pussy-ass show is this?’

SPIKE JONZE: We weren’t doing anything with permits. We were doing it the way we had done our skate videos – just, you know, a camera, an idea, and a group of friends.

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE: In one of the earliest pranks, I was dressed in an orange jumpsuit with “L.A. County Jail” written on it. I had a pair of cuffs on, and I went into a hardware store.

My face was all dirty, and I was out of breath, and I ran back to the saws and the axes and asked anyone if they would help me.

JEFF TREMAINE: He freaked out the employees, and they called the police.

Spike and I go out and film Knoxville walking out, and as soon as he does, all these cops roll up and park right in the middle of the street, draw their guns, and yell at him to get on the ground.

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE: I didn’t explain immediately, because I thought, ‘Well, this is footage.’ In the early days of Jackass, we would just go in anywhere and do pranks like that. Eventually we became smarter and would get a location agreement from a willing store owner first. We’d tip him off and say, “We are coming in to do this prank, but you cannot tell your employees.”

Jackass premiered on MTV in April 2000 and was a runaway hit. The stars went from unknown to extremely famous overnight. A few even became fantasy boyfriend material.

SHANNA ZABLOW (producer): Girls think they’re cute. For me it’s like thinking your own brother’s cute. I think they’re adorable, but I don’t find them attractive. There’s a sense of family between the guys. They all really love each other, and I think girls like that.

JOHN WATERS (movie director, guest star, national treasure): I’m a big fan of Johnny’s, and I think if I ever were to have a “type”, it would be the Jackass boys.

GIDEON YAGO: The second it got to a mass audience, it blew the f—k up. And I think, to MTV’s credit, the top execs knew enough to just get out of the way and let those guys do their thing.

SPIKE JONZE: Within a couple of months, Knoxville was on the cover of Rolling Stone.

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE: It was jarring, but it was a lot of fun. And I probably had a little too much fun. I definitely didn’t handle it as well as I could have.

JEFF TREMAINE: Were some people handling success better than others?

Yeah, definitely. Steve-O was all about fame. He wanted it so bad, whereas Pontius could give two shits. He didn’t change at all. And Bam was already kind of a little celebrity in his world.

BRIAN GRADEN: Some of them were having a different ride with the fame. Some actors might dream their whole life of being famous, and I think Johnny had ambitions of that nature, but I’m not sure all the other cast members went out and thought, ‘I’ll do this stuff in my real life: I’ll fall off bridges and end up being famous.’

BAM MARGERA: Like a light switch, overnight I was the most popular kid in school. It was so fake to me that I couldn’t take it anymore, so I left. Everybody who wouldn’t even give me the time of day – now they want to be my best friend?

Despite a warning that ran before every show, on January 26, 2001, Connecticut teen Eric Lind accidentally set himself on fire while trying to emulate Jackass behaviour. Senator Joe Lieberman of Connecticut issued a statement denouncing MTV. Jackass, the improbable pop phenomenon, became a political football.

JEFF TREMAINE: We would always watch something to see if it was too imitable. We still do that to this day.

TONY HAWK: I think it pushed the limits of what’s appropriate for TV audiences. And because it was daring and edgy, it became conservative America’s call to arms.

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE: We were supposedly the cause of the crumbling of society.

That always made us laugh, but when Lieberman got on his high horse, I think in an election year, I took that seriously.

And MTV got very, very scared.

VAN TOFFLER: We took tonnes of precautions on set. We had safety people there all the time. We never wanted anyone to get hurt. It’s really sad and unfortunate when stuff like that happens.

I’ll leave it at that.

PRESTON LACY (cast member, writer): It was a strange time. My picture was on [current affairs program] 20/20. Me in my underwear. All my family saw it, so I wasn’t a big fan of that.

The first idea to be affected by the Lieberman-led backlash was the “Vomlet” sketch, in which Dave England consumes the ingredients for an omelette, then vomits them up into a hot skillet.

DAVE ENGLAND: We turned it in to MTV, and they decided the puke fumes were airborne pathogens. I was pretty bummed, because we nailed it the first time. The first time I fed a bite to Steve-O, and he puked all over my leg. MTV’s insistence was to have everyone except me wear a Hazmat suit.

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE: Now you have to heat the omelette to this degree, and you have to be in Hazmat suits. At first we were like, “What? F—k that. We’re not gonna get in Hazmat suits.” It just sucked the funny right out of it.

SPIKE JONZE: MTV got scared, so they pulled back on promoting the show, and it sort of took the steam out of it for us. It wasn’t worth it.

VAN TOFFLER: We were symbolic of authority. They didn’t like us drawing lines, which ultimately led to the demise of the show and their going as far as they could.

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his rails. We were starting to lose him to alcohol and drugs.

BRIAN GRADEN: I can’t speak to what their emotional ride was. I can only say from the MTV side, it was a gold asset. We didn’t need to promote the thing, because no matter where you put it, it got a giant rating.

But they didn’t want to do it anymore. We pulled out every tool we had to encourage them to keep doing it. Even a giant amount of money didn’t motivate them to do it.

VAN TOFFLER: We’d launched MTV Films, and I was in search of a sketch movie.

Then it hit a bunch of us: “Well, we have the franchise, and it’s called Jackass.”

SPIKE JONZE: Then everybody got excited again: It could be rated R [American equivalent of MA]!

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE: It was like someone took the chains off. Now we could do all the things we couldn’t do on TV. JOHN WATERS: Johnny broke his penis, you know. And I thought, ‘How’d you break your penis? God, I’ve never heard of that!’

Jackass: The Movie debuted at number one on October 25, 2002, grossing nearly $23 million its first weekend. The New York Times has since called it “probably the most successful plotless movie in American film history”. In 2003, MTV aired Jackass spin-offs with Steve-O and Pontius (Wild Boyz) and Margera (Viva La Bam).

Next was a sequel, Number Two. It opened at number one in September 2006, and 40

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JOHNNY KNOXVILLE: Yeah, when we do pranks, we always try to play it as real as possible, because usually what we’re doing is a little over the top. Jay played it wonderfully, and Ehren just bought it hook, line, and sinker.

JEFF TREMAINE: The original idea was like, “All right, how can we get someone to eat his own pubic hair?” And I think it was Preston who said, “Well, what if we make a beard out of it? What if we did a bit where we convinced Ehren that we’re gonna dress him up as a terrorist and glue this pubic hair all over his face?”

“DANGER EHREN” MCGHEHEY (cast member, writer): If I can make the world laugh by putting pubes on my face, f—k it.

Pube away.

On February 23, 2008, MTV welcomed the Jackass crew back to television for “Jackassworld.com: 24 Hour Takeover”, to promote the crew’s new website.

Steve-O, whose substance abuse had gotten out of control, was kicked out of MTV’s studios.

BAM MARGERA: Steve-O was pretty much 24/7 out of his mind. He’d wake up to nitrous balloons, then drink a vodka and grapefruit juice, snort a line of Special K and then a line of coke, and then smoke PCP with weed in it. Seriously, anything you can think of, he would do.

He was on this path of pure destruction.

JEFF TREMAINE: Steve-O was spinning off

STEVE-O: I felt like the process of using all this opportunity that came with notoriety was immediately causing me to hurt people I loved.

SHANNA ZABLOW: It was a blurry line, because part of Jackass is partying. We like to go out and get wasted and have a good time. And that line got blurry with Steve-O. It was part of his persona, and what he got paid to do is be that crazy wasted guy.

But he crossed the line, and it wasn’t fun anymore. It got really dark and scary.

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE: He was honestly getting pretty close to death. We would have to sit him down and say, “You’ve got to cool it.” We had to have a talk with him for putting a hit out on one of the guys who works at Jackassworld. I was like, “Steve-O, you’ve got to quit putting hits out. Please stop that.”

Steve-O wouldn’t hurt a fly, but he was off his nutter then. Most of the time that fell on deaf ears, until the last time, when we took him to the psych ward.

JEFF TREMAINE: We went over and didn’t negotiate with him at all. I didn’t think it was going to work, but we had to at least get him to the hospital. I never fully believed he’d want to get sober. His heroes were all crashand-burn, like Mötley Crüe. He worshiped them when they were at their worst and disrespected

WORDS: MARC SPITZ

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE: I felt that we couldn’t do a watered-down version of the show, so I quit. In hindsight I don’t know how smart a move that was, because who did I think I was? I hadn’t had any action for 10 years in Hollywood, and suddenly we have a hit show and I quit?

while it packs the laughs from the start, they save the best for the climax: “Terror Taxi”, in which “Danger Ehren” McGhehey, dressed as an Arab suicide bomber, hails a cab, not knowing the driver (actor Jay Chandrasekhar) is in on the joke –or that his own beard is made of pubes. Jay pulls him out at gunpoint and locks him in the trunk.

them for getting sober.

STEVE-O: Everyone involved in Jackass has had to put up with me being a real burden, a super-annoying guy, and it’s a blessing for me to be able to work with everybody and not be that guy anymore.

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE: I’m completely blown away by how well he’s doing now – so honestly proud of him and how healthy he is and how he’s helping other people get sober. He’s a strong motherf—ker.

BAM MARGERA: It’s actually funny, because he totally does the whole 12-step thing, and one of them is apologising for all the shit-talking you’ve been doing. He came up on the set and went, “Hey, bro, if I ever talked any shit about you, if you feel bad about it, you can totally kick me in the nuts or punch me in the face, ’cause I totally deserve it.” I broke his nose. So I guess that handles that. All is forgiven.

As with the Jaws franchise before it, the third Jackass film would be in 3D. This was in 2010. It raked in $170 million at the box office, on a budget of just $20 million.

RYAN DUNN: When Tremaine called me and said he was thinking about doing another movie and told me he was doing it in 3D, I was apprehensive. I was wary of the idea, just picturing the old red-and-blue glasses and stuff.

But once I started seeing the footage, I was blown away.

Puki ng st me ev i ery tim ll gets e. Poo I’ve g , otten used – Sh anna to.

Zabl produ ow, cer

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE: It’s like giving chimpanzees a bunch of expensive equipment.

Jackass if it were. It is about a bunch of guys getting off on each other.

SPIKE JONZE: The funny stuff was that much funnier. The gross stuff was that much grosser.

RYAN DUNN: Yeah, you can consider us a gang. We don’t have jackets or anything, but we’ll be family forever.

BAM MARGERA: It was the first time anybody put a movie out in 3D that wasn’t, like, Avatar or Clash of the Titans. Instead, you get to see my dick sneaking up on Chris Pontius while he’s sleeping, and then, all of a sudden, you see a yellow piss stream coming out of the screen, and you realise it’s my dick pissing on Pontius.

CHRIS PONTIUS: With everything we’ve done, we’ve all said, “This is the last time”, and something always happens. We get bored and want something adventurous.

But I honestly don’t think we’ll do Jackass when we’re 50.

SHANNA ZABLOW: There’s one bit in the movie called The Sweatsuit Cocktail.

Preston walks on a StairMaster and starts to sweat. He’s wearing one of those outfits athletes wear to build up sweat.

Then Steve-O takes the sweat and drinks it and throws up. Puking still gets me every time.

Poo I’ve gotten used to, especially after all these years.

JEFF TREMAINE: It’s not hard to imagine us going on. Other than the fact that I’ve got to keep the guys alive.

DAVE ENGLAND: Obviously, injuries catch up to us, but as far as our creativity and our spirit, they’re strong.

VAN TOFFLER: Jackass is so much more than a succession of stunts. You couldn’t explain the female appeal of

JASON “WEE MAN” ACUÑA: I think we’ll be like the Rolling Stones, doing it until we’re in our 60s.

BAM MARGERA: If you’re on the set, you’re gonna get messed with, whether you’re cast or crew. I feel so unsafe. Full-blown paranoia.

If you’re tired, you can’t even sleep, because you’ll definitely get stun-gunned or peed on.

I’m sure I’ll be in a wheelchair by the time I’m 40, if I even make it there.

JOHN WATERS: You know, when I retire I want to go to the Jackass nursing home.

That’s where I want to retire.

JEFF TREMAINE: Do I see myself doing it at 70? No, not at all. But that’s not to say I won’t be. We never thought we’d be doing it this long.

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE: I got in the best shape I’ve ever been in my life for the 3D movie. I blew my back out over the years and it was really giving me problems, so I was exercising to get my back better.

It’s like wrapping a present for Christmas.

You wrap it real nice and neat, and then Christmas morning you just tear the hell out of it.

Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa, a spinoff of the Jackass films (starring Johnny Knoxville), is out November 14 MAXIM.COM.AU

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Nice PAIR

It’s time to “stay classy”, as Ron Burgundy says, readers. Glen Moray distillery manager Graham Coull teaches you how to pair his single malt with different cheese.

Smoking jacket and pipe optional

Glen Moray 25 Year Old Portwood Finish.

Paired with a 36-month Comté, which is an aged Gruyère.

I chose a cheese that had complexity but was not too overpowering to match with this fine, elegant whisky. The slightly dry nature of the cheese accentuates the subtle sweetness of the whisky, which is mainly coming from the port influence.

Glen Moray Classic.

Paired with Woodside Chevre from Adelaide Hills.

Glen Moray is a light, sweet whisky with only subtle hints of oak. The Woodside Chevre has a distinctive tart lemony taste, which the Classic offsets beautifully.

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Glen Moray 10 Year Old Chardonnay Cask.

Paired with Berry’s Creek Tarwin Blue.

Tarwin Blue is a medium intensity blue-veined cheese. The spicy, caramelised fruitiness of the whisky balances the strong character of the cheese and cuts through the buttery texture.

Glen Moray 12 Year Old.

Glen Moray 16 Year Old.

Paired with a nice Parmesan.

The richer flavour of the Parmesan balances well with the vanilla coming from the 12YO. The fruity/nutty taste of the Parmesan complements the sweet toffee and vanilla flavours of the whisky.

Paired with a Quickes Cheddar.

A more intense whisky is needed to match the sweet, salty robustness of the cheddar. The influence of the sherry cask-matured component of the Glen Moray 16YO does just that. The dark chocolate, coffee notes from the whisky are great with this cheese.

Tap That Melon The dos and don’ts of turning a watermelon into a party machine ripe for summer drinking

A Good Day to Drink Hard What better way to soak up the season than with a cool cocktail before sunset? ADAM POSTAL, mixologist at Miami’s ONE Bal Harbour’s Mister Collins, serves up a daytime drink worth calling in sick for MISTER COLLINS’ GREYHOUND

• 60mL Cîroc vodka • A sprig or two of thyme • Juice from ½ grapefruit • 15mL St-Germain elderflower liqueur

DO Buy a tap kit that includes a shank and a faucet (kegworks.com).

DON’T Buy adult nappies and a hammer.

That’s for a different set of instructions.

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DO Slice off the rounded bottom (for stability), cut off the top, and scoop out the meat; set aside.

DON’T Wear the melon as a helmet.

It won’t protect you.

DO Cut a hole slightly smaller than the shank. Then insert the shank and attach the faucet.

DON’T Even think about making a sex joke while you do it.

DO Blend melon meat with vodka (to taste) and fresh lime juice. Pour into melon and add ice.

DON’T Drink it kegstand style. This is a classy party!

The watermelon is a vegetable composed of 91 per cent water.

PHOTOS: JEFFREY WESTBROOK

Muddle thyme, then pour in the remaining ingredients and shake together. Serve in a rocks glass and garnish with a grapefruit wedge. “The aromatic and tangysweet combination makes this perfect for any summer day,” says Postal. Drink it before sundown and kiss the day’s productivity goodbye.

We sent one of our guys to shrimp-flipping, steak-slicing, onion-exploding school at American teppanyaki mega-franchise

Did he leave with a degree in pyrotechnic culinary arts or third-degree burns?

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“

Chefs are not morning people, and neither am I. It’s Monday at 9AM, and I’m in the private-party room at Benihana, an alcove with two grills typically used to entertain big groups, including the New York Yankees, who dined in during a recent road trip. Chef Tony walks in, smiling but

I’m not 20 minutes into dinner and already I fear I’ve blinded someone.

For the past three days, I’ve been apprenticing under “Chef Tony” at Benihana’s restaurant in San Francisco.

The 35-year vet not only creates every new menu item but also oversees the seven regional top chefs and three sushi chefs who teach all the newbies who will be shipped out to the 86 Benihanas worldwide.

Wannabe grill men train five hours a day for eight weeks and then must pass Benihana’s arduous final exam. Before he 48 MAXIM.COM.AU

”

bleary-eyed: He flew in last night from New Jersey just to oversee my private, one-on-one training.

My hands are soft and dainty and look like I spend too much time at a desk watching YouTube videos of Miley Cyrus.

Chef Tony’s are thick and tough, peppered with faded scars. When we meet, it feels like I’m shaking an old catcher’s mitt.

“After your first year as a chef, your girlfriend won’t want to hold hands

with you,” he laughs.

The grills are even more unforgiving.

On day one at Benihana San Francisco, I sling enough fried rice to feed half the kitchen staff. (I won’t be allowed near the steaks, shrimp, or chicken – let alone a knife – until day two). Fried rice features the most components, so it’s the hardest dish to perfect. Cooking back-to-back orders is also supposed to give me a feel for the electricpowered industrial grill. The blazing surface has four concentric heat zones. The farther from the centre, the cooler the temperature: 120 versus 280 degrees Celsius.

The difference is painfully obvious. After scorching my thumb, I try to be extra careful, but an hour later I’ve charred both pinkies and singed off all my knuckle hair.

Turns out I’m lucky. Since 1977, when an 18-year-old Chef Tony joined Benihana, he’s been to the ER five times: twice for seconddegree burns and other, knife-induced trips, including one to treat a severed nerve.

So I decide not to bitch about my minor burns. Instead, I focus on the food. Proper fried rice is all about timing. Each component sizzles on a different area of the grill and then gets mixed, seasoned, and heated. Which is to say nothing about the rice’s potential for entertainment: Chefs spatula-massage piles of rice into hearts, Mickey Mouse heads, and phrases like I U. They also dish out puns while they dazzle. “Would you like an egg roll, Steve-san?” Chef Tony asks as he lets a whole egg slide down his spatula and go tumbling across the grill. Get it? Egg… roll! “Ever seen the butterfly, Steve-san?”

Chef Tony raises a tablespoon of butter above his head and… well, you can guess what he does.

Just when I’m bored with rice, Chef Tony hands me a freshly sharpened knife. My knife! I slide the six-inch blade into a steel holster dangling from my belt. I feel legit, I feel powerful, I feel like a man… until I try cutting a shrimp. There are five movements.

Working a fork and the knife, you remove the tail, rotate the body for two precise slices, and flick the meat and tail into separate piles on the grill. To pass Benihana’s final exam, a chef must deconstruct 24 shrimp in 60 seconds. I barely finish six in three minutes.

Whenever I speed up, I nick a pinkie on the grill or make an uneven cut.

Chef Tony leans in and tells me a secret: Scrape the knife against the grill and flail your elbow as you cut. It distracts the diner.

The human brain can process only so much information at once. Instead of keeping tabs on the shrimp, the diner gets busy tracking the chef’s arm motion and listening to the grating knife sounds. In other words, Chef Tony explains, it’ll seem like I’m cutting fast and furious, but I’m not. The illusion works.

WORDS: STEVEN LECKHART; PHOTOS: JONATHAN SNYDER; ILLUSTRATION: JOHN UELAND

he onion sure is a temperamental little bastard. As anyone knows, if you slice one up, it’s liable to squirt sulfuric acid into your eyeballs. But trust me, it could be worse – borderline lethal. I’ve just drizzled safflower oil and water into the mouth of an “onion volcano”, one of Benihana’s signature dishes, now frying on a grill cranked to 275 degrees. Only problem is, I’ve added way too much. The grill sizzles furiously. A cloud of hot steam engulfs my face. Then, pop!

Four pieces of onion hurtle a metre into the air, spattering droplets of scalding oil all over my bare forearms. “F—k!” I clench my teeth.

Benihana’s executive chef Toshiya Nemoto is standing beside me, cringing.

graduates, a chef must be able to slice chicken lightning-fast, fling shrimp tails into his hat, and juggle salt and pepper shakers table-side – all without underseasoning, overcooking, or, well, exploding a customer’s meal.

As fun as this challenge sounded at the beginning, I soon discovered that getting paid to play with someone else’s food takes actual work. Unlike chefs on TV, the cooks at Benihana have only one take to get everything just right. You are not supposed to hit a customer in the eye with searing drops of oil, which I’ve just done. I’m not 20 minutes into my dinner service and already I fear I’ve blinded someone...

Just when I think I’m getting the hang of it, Chef Tony turns up the heat. I’m behind one of the grills in the private-party room, standing beside Leo, the twenty-something chef assigned to be my “trick mentor”.

“Close your eyes and just feel the spatula,” says Leo, whose specialty is pulling tricks blindfolded. He’s got four hours to teach me how to spin, twirl, and flip spoons and spatulas. (Chefs haven’t been allowed to toss knives since the 1980s.)

I tell Leo he’s crazy. But he insists: I shut my eyes and toss the spatula high into the air. I miss. It rattles on the grill. I try again and miss. Each time, it causes a racket akin to a drunk cymbalist in a fourth-tier marching band. But I figure I should trust Leo. Management considers him San Francisco’s ultimate showman. The guy has wowed celebs like Flavor Flav (solid tipper), Robin Williams (not so much), and baseballer Barry Bonds (the worst!).

After two hours I start to improve. Tricks require deft hand-eye co-ordination and practice. Still, I’m not shocked to discover chefs don’t mind cheating: Sanding down the spatula handle creates a groove for a one-finger spin. Instead of twirling, they cradle a spatula between two fingers and turn their hands over and back. The action looks like nothing until I’m shown how to rotate my wrist and – wait for it – flail my elbow. Just like shrimp-cutting! What magicians call misdirection, chefs think of as business as usual.

The coolest scam of all is Leo’s finale.

At the close of a meal, every chef is required to juggle salt and pepper shakers. Leo doesn’t use shakers, though. He prefers croquet mallets. He removes the handles, which leaves holes at the midpoint of each mallet. Surreptitiously, Leo inserts a middle finger into each hole and then raises his hands and spins the mallets. It’s another illusion: Since they’re rotating so fast, the mallets look like they’re balancing on his fingertips, just like a Harlem Globetrotter spinning dual basketballs. Voilà!

Leo says I can borrow his “shakers”.

But only if I agree to blindfold myself.

“I believe you can do it, my friend,” he says, before explaining how he broke a plate in front of a customer one time. “If you drop the spatula, you drop the spatula. The worst thing a Benihana chef can do is get nervous.”

It’s only 5:30PM, but the Benihana is already half-full, mostly with screaming kids.

Day three of my training was a breeze – if

you consider dropping the spatula (often), there’s a healthy dose of fake-it-till-youburning my pinkie (again), and charring make-it at Benihana. steaks to a hazardous crisp a breeze.

After dinner I’m celebrating in the bar Now’s the hard part. with a tumbler of whisky – a 12-year-old Backstage in the kitchen, I’m dodging single-malt Yamazaki (compliments of Chef a mess of screaming chefs, line cooks, and Tony). One of the managers approaches. waitresses. Chefs Tony and Leo help me He says I should really consider picking up load up my cart with plates of raw food, a shift or two on the weekends: “You would bowls full of seasoning, and all the tools I’ll probably make great tips.” I sip my drink and need. Before I know it, I’m rolling out the door smile. I know I would. onto the restaurant floor. As I approach my table, I feel my chef’s hat soaking up bullets of sweat. I smile big to my three customers, hoping they don’t notice the set list of tricks and punchlines scribbled in ink on my wrist.

Leo was right. Well, half-right. While my chest is indeed pounding as I roll the cart up to the table, my nerves don’t matter much.

In fact, I never drop the spatula. Not once.

Not even after I ceremoniously tie a maroon napkin around my face and whip around Leo’s doctored spatula a few times with one finger. My mechanics aren’t seamless, but the customers still eat it up.

That’s not to say there aren’t hitches.

Hostile onion volcano? It doesn’t actually injure my customer so much as annoy him. I overcook one steak. I mess up a few shrimp tails. I botch a behind-theback shaker grab. But I’m told the fried rice is delicious.

I also serve up generous portions of ham. Egg-roll: check. Butter-fly: ditto (twice). I pretend to shake pepper onto two customers’ heads. Before the STEP 1: Cut a white oni volcano explodes, I flicker the overhead on in half. Then cut one of the halves into fou grill lights: lightning! I smack my spatula r, 1cm-thick slices.

Cut slowly to avoid sau on the grill: thunder! Then, pushing téing the onion in the blood of your freshl the steaming onion, I lightly tap the y sliced finger. spatula on the grill: ding… ding… ding!

I STEP 2: Remove the out er ring from each belt out, “Choo-choo!” Get it? It’s a train. slice. Stack the four out er rings on a hot flat Had Chef Tony been keeping score, grill or frying pan, begin ning with the widest I wouldn’t have passed Benihana’s final circumference on the bo ttom. Your volcano’s exam. But I might have come almost, mouth (aka the caldera) should be about as kinda, sorta close! Chefs are rated on wide as a five -cent coin. timing, food quality, and communication skills, including 10 possible bonus points STEP 3: Drizzle one tea spoon of for humour and engaging with the vegetable oil into the vol cano. Pour two audience. You have to pull a minimum tablespoons of water into the top of the of six tricks. I bust out 10, at least! volcano. No need to be precise with the Aside from sculpting a friedmeasurements – just do n’t overdo it with rice heart, I make it beat with my the oil or, as we learne d, your volcano spatula. I offer a pretty blonde might explode! a rice bowl balancing on my spatula.

As she reaches for it, I fling the bowl STEP 4: When steam rise s from the backward. It flips twice in the air, volcano, it’s your chance to be a landing squarely in my hand. Zero showman. Belt out a quo te from spillage. I’m at 70 per cent (seven Dante’s Peak. Somethin g like, out of 10) when it comes to catching “Ladies and gentlemen, I can assure shrimp tails in the front pocket of my you there is no immedi ate danger.” chef’s coat. I’m one-for-one in my Then Netflix Dante’s Pea k so hat. (Sure, it just happened once, people actually get the joke. but stats are stats!)

As with just about any profession,

Build Your Own Onion Volcan o

How even you can pull sizzling Benihana-che off a f trick!

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WE LIKE TO WATCH

Film

NEWS FLASH ⊲ The Counsellor’s (out Nov 14) credentials are just stupid: Ridley Scott as director, Cormac McCarthy as screenwriter, and starring Michael Fassbender, Javier Bardem, Cameron Diaz, Penelope Cruz, and Brad Pitt. And the plot’s about drug trafficking. F—k. Yes.

Mex on fire DANNY TREJO REPRISES HIS ROLE AS THE MEXICAN YOU DON’T WANNA F—K WITH IN MACHETE KILLS Machete Kills is outlandish enough but we’re going to outer space for the third one. Where can he go from there?

He hasn’t been to Australia.

I’m really hoping he goes there soon.

Have you been down here before?

No, but it’s definitely on my bucket list. I really want to see the harbour and the Opera House.

Is there something in your contract that states there needs to be more beautiful women in each sequel?

I have a love scene with Amber Heard in the movie. Robert [Rodriguez, director] yelled, “Action!” but Amber was laughing, so he was like, “Amber, why are you laughing?” And she says, “Danny won’t stop saying, ‘Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus.’” She was a great sport – and one of the most beautiful women in the world. We’ve got Amber, Michelle Rodriguez, Jessica Alba, Lady Gaga. She was awesome. I was at a tattoo shop in Hollywood called

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Sneak peek from the third film in the series: Machete Revives

Shamrock Tattoo and I saw her in there. I told her I was doing Machete Kills and she was like, “I’d love to be involved in that!”

What’s she like?

Really nice, really easy to work with – and I’ve got her pots and pans at my place, actually. I might sell them on eBay! How are you staying in shape these days?

I do a lot of walking. I don’t like running or jogging because it’s hard on the knees. I built a gym in my house because it got too hard to go to the gym. I was working out at a 24-hour gym – I’d go at, like, one o’clock in the morning – but people found out I was going and started showing up. Man, I don’t mind giving autographs and taking pictures, but when you’re lifting 300lbs, it’s distracting when someone asks, “I don’t mean to bother you but can you sign this?”

You appeared in a teaser trailer with the Muppets. What was it like working with them?

It was me and Ray Liotta – two Hollywood badarses talking to some cotton being moved around by some guy’s hand.

Those little puppets would be really good for therapy.

You’ve worked with Robert Rodriguez many times. Do you remember your first time meeting him?

I first met him when I went in to cast for Desperado. He was like, “Wow, you remind me of the bad guys in my high school.” And I was like, “I am the bad guys in your high school.” When we were filming Desperado in Texas, some of my family came down from San Antonio. My uncle pointed to Robert and was like, “Hey, who’s that?” And I told him it was the director. It turned out he was actually my second cousin! We had no idea.

Is there a role you haven’t played that you’d like to play?

I’d like to be the plaintiff, just one time. Normally I’m the defendant.

You work a lot. What would happen if you had a few weeks off?

I’d probably buy some vintage cars. That’s probably why everyone encourages me to work, because when I don’t, I end up with another vintage car.

I’ve got five right now and I love

T H E WA C K- O F F

Charlie vs Mel In Machete Kills, two of Hollywood’s biggest nutjobs, CHARLIE SHEEN and MEL GIBSON, finally share the screen. But whose real-life performance gets the award for bat-shittiest?

What else do you do in your spare time?

I train, I hang out with friends, I have six dogs – they keep me busy.

You do a lot of indie stuff.

Why is that?

A lot of the indie work that I do is first-time directors or student films – people who probably couldn’t get their stuff done without me. I just love working with people who love what they do as much as I do.

VS.

MEL GIBSON

“Bitchin’ rock star from Mars”

SELFDESCRIPTION

“One tough motherf—ker”

Sex with hookers and porn stars. Lots of ’em.

SEXUAL PROCLIVITIES

Demands blow jobs after threatening to burn down the house.

CHARLIE SHEEN

We see you as a Mexican Superhero. Is that something fans ever tell you?

That’s what Robert Rodriguez tells me. But I refuse to wear tights. The thing about Machete is that he doesn’t have any superpowers – he’s just a badarse. That’s why people like and can relate to him. He sees wrong and rights it. And he’s pretty good with a machete.

PHOTO: CHRIS FORTUNA

working on them. I’ve got two motorcycles as well. I’m just a big fan of transportation. Well, I wouldn’t want a helicopter. I’ll leave that stuff to John Travolta.

What’s your favourite Mexican food?

Breakfast. Eggs, chopped up with jalapenos and onions and salsa.

Daniel Steiner

“I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen…

If you try it, you will die.” Also: cocaine, crack, and alcohol.

In 2006, Sheen stated that 9/11 was a conspiracy – and that the collapse of the towers looked like a “controlled demolition”.

During an interview, Sheen referred to Two and a Half Men creator Chuck Lorre as “Haim Levine,” which CBS and Warner Bros. deemed anti-Semitic.

“The only thing I’m addict­ed to is winning.”– From a 2011 radio interview.

PAST DRUG USE

CRAZY CONSPIRACY THEORIES

MOST BIGOTED STATEMENT

COMMENT MOST DESERVING OF BECOMING AN IRONIC T-SHIRT

Alcohol and, according to one woman who says she used to bang him, human growth hormone.

According to screenwriter Joe Eszterhas, Gibson allegedly remarked that the Holocaust was “mostly a lot of horseshit.”

Among other loveydovey proclamations, in 2006 Gibson told cops arresting him for DUI, “Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.”

“I deserve to be blown first! Before the f—king Jacuzzi!”–Message left for ex-GF Oksana Grigorieva.

And the wack -job winner is…Mel Gibson!

MACHETE KILLS IS OUT OCTOBER 24

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R A E D

Music

NEWS FLASH ⊲ Sleigh Bells’ third album, Bitter Rivals, is out now. You may remember the Brooklyn poppy/rocky/noisy/digital-y/dance-y duo from such house parties as: Wow, That’s A Lot Of Rack and I Can’t Believe That Alt Girl Gave Me Head In The Laundry.

Raising the ska Do you remember your first gig ever?

It was a talent contest when I was six years old. We came second and we were allacoustic. The band who came first were electric and that’s why I reckon they won it. But folk is the new pop now, so we were way ahead of our time.

How does touring work, seeing as you’re a team of 26?

You’d think it’d be a logistical nightmare but because everyone’s so positive about the fact this beast even exists, we make it work. The hardest

part is that we have 40-to-50 people on the books to play, so choosing who to bench is difficult.

What are the best and worst things about touring?

When people see the band for the first time they’re thankful we’ve brought the band interstate or overseas. It’s a magical circus of energy when we’re performing. The hardest thing, as I mentioned, is that we can’t fit everyone up there!

What’s in your rider?

Lots of sandwiches, lots of fruit,

Nicky Bomba, ringleader of the extensive Melbourne Ska Orchestra, is such a top bloke he gave us one of his favourite recipes to try at home

biscuits, lollies, good wine, beers, definitely – the guys are partial to Heineken and Corona but I’m partial to Grolsch. Fruit is a good natural sugar hit and I always load up on that before and after a show.

What’s something you’d like thrown onstage during a show?

An envelope containing enough money to pay off my mortgage? We’ve had a bra, panties, a teddy bear.

Soft stuff works for me. I’m always up for fruit, so bring that on.

COOKING WITH

NICKY BOMBA

Once you’ve had Austrian mac and cheese, you never go back to the boxed stuff.

Here’s Nicky’s recipe for Käsespätzle INGREDIENTS ● 2 cups flour ● 3 eggs ● Knorr seasoning ● Jarlsberg Cheese ● 3 onions

Melbourne Ska Orchestra’s self-titled debut album is out now.

They will be playing a gig on November 9 at The Factory in Sydney 52

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METHOD ● Make dough with the flour/ eggs/seasoning, adding warm water. ● Knead to a semi-sloppy consistency. ● Using the specialised, Austrianmade Spaetzle machine, add the dough and press into saucepan of boiling water. ● When the noodles rise, scoop them out, drain, and place into a big serving dish. ● Grate a layer of Jarlsberg cheese over the noodles and continue the process until the dough is finished. ● Caramelise onions in a separate frying pan and place atop noodles when the last layer is done. ● Serve with a garden salad and some Shiraz. Stylin’!

Diz English rapper Dizzee Rascal loves rollercoasters and Australia.

Sounds like our kinda guy You’re a busy dude. What do you do on your days off?

I’m in LA at the moment. I went to Universal Studios yesterday.

Did you go on the Jurassic Park ride?

Yeah. I had to – I love rollercoasters. I also did the Simpsons one – it was a lot better than I thought it would be.

Where are your favourite places to travel?

I love Australia. The Gold Coast, Sydney… I actually did Tasmania recently and that was really, really crazy. Hot as f—k, but it was good. I should be back in Australia soon.

What do famous people eat for breakfast? Do you go for cereal or something flashy?

Sometimes I’ll have cereal or porridge, yeah. But if I’m in a hotel I’ll go for Eggs Benedict and fruit salad.

There are a lot of guests on your new record. Do you have a list of people in mind before you start?

Usually the guest parts are the singing parts. But the person you want to do that part might not be available, so a lot of the time it comes down to schedules. I didn’t have a list, though.

Sing-alongs go down really well, especially when there’s a live audience, but unfortunately I can’t really sing, so I leave it to others.

How do you know you’ve got a banger on your hands?

It’s interesting, because I started this album in 2010 and what’s out now sounds a lot different to that. Usually I listen to the beat about a hundred times, add the lyrics, then see how it feels after that. “Love

kid Dizzee’s latest, The Fifth, is out now

This Town” is a huge sing-along.

I played it live and everyone got into it. Performing is a good, fast way of seeing what works.

You seem to like changing up your sound as well.

Every album is a new body of work, where I try new things.

I try to go out of my comfort zone each time. Some songs work and some take time. The track with Robbie Williams, “Goin’ Crazy”, wasn’t going down amazing at shows. But as it had time to sink in a bit more, it got a better response.

What’s the vibe like in the studio when you’re making an album?

Depends, man. I was lucky, because the producers I worked with – I didn’t really get in the studio with the artists – were so energetic and happy to try stuff out. The only thing that gets me stressed is not having lyrics written beforehand.

I hate writing in the studio – it just adds pressure. And this was a new experience for me because I’m not the sort of guy who sits with a bunch of different producers at different writing camps – I usually just sit in my own studio at home and write there. The meter’s running and it definitely ain’t cheap [to hire a studio], so I like to have my writing already done.

Do you get nervous before a new record drops?

You get anxious because, you know, I try to do something different every time, so you can’t be sure how people will react.

People don’t usually like things straight away… but then it grows on them… but then they hate it because it’s grown on them! You can’t please everyone all the time, so I just challenge myself and take that gamble.

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DVDs

NEWS FLASH ⊲ Man of Steel (out Nov 6) is not the porno you’ve been waiting all year for. It’s also not the superhero movie you’ve been waiting all year for.

Sure, it’s big and it’s noisy, but it’s also overly serious and way too long. Still poos all over the 2006 atrocity that was Superman Returns.

PITT HAPPENS WORLD WAR Z STAR AND PRODUCER BRAD PITT ON THE CHALLENGES OF MAKING AN INTERNATIONAL ZOMBIE TALE Your production company Plan B bought the rights to the novel of World War Z in 2007. What was it about the book that caught your interest?

I was really intrigued with what Max [Brooks, author] explores in his book. In it we found much more than a zombie film. We found this global apocalypse – a worldwide zombie pandemic.

With the success of TV series The Walking Dead and other zombie pop culture, it seems like the world is undergoing its own zombie-tainment pandemic.

Yeah. Four years ago I knew nothing about zombies. Now I'm an expert! During the ’70s, when they were popular, it was a time of change – and today we are in a time of change. That’s why I think people today are again attracted to the zombie genre.

Not only is there a lot of CGI and action scenes but the story also takes place in numerous countries around the globe.

Was it hard to adapt?

Our first problem was: How could we crack this book? It travels around the globe. Two: How do we reinvent the zombies? How do we originate our zombies in a field that has been done, and done really well? When you watch it, you’ll see our answers to those questions. I hope you enjoy it as much as my boys, who love it.

You’re one of the biggest movie stars in

Brangelina fans are the worst!

the world. Have you always been into movies?

Yes, I always have. When I was little I used to sneak into our local movie theatre. I loved being taken into a different world. I guess I still do. I love exploring worlds like the one in World War Z. You once said that everything you do is personal. Does this apply here as well?

Yes, absolutely. Obviously everything in this film is a little over the top. But the fear of a parent – to lose his family – that’s real.

I think everybody can relate to that.

World War Z is out October 23

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THE END IS HIGH STAR, WRITER, AND DIRECTOR OF THIS IS THE END, SETH ROGEN, TALKS GIANT, ANIMATED DEMON DICK

FACT: Emma Watson’s cameo was originally written for Mila Kunis.

How much does a computergenerated demon cock – namely, the one we see in the film – cost to produce?

The dick itself was somewhere in the $20,000 region. That’s a reasonably priced demon cock, by the way.

It crushes a building, so it was good value.

The scene where Danny McBride basically roasts everyone is pretty sharp. Do you read reviews and, even more dauntingly, fan forums?

Both. For a while, Evan [Goldberg, co-writer, director, and producer] and I would comment on fan forums as ourselves. We’d go on and be like, “Hey, f—k you! Say that to our faces!”

So, we not only read that stuff, but we also childishly comment back.

Further to that, do you have a favourite nasty review?

Yeah. There was a review for 50/50 that

was crazy, because the guy clearly didn’t know it was based on the real story of our friend who wrote the movie and had cancer. Basically, he was like, “How dare Seth Rogen create this heart-wrenching story about cancer purely to profit off of it.” It was this critic named Rex Reed. My review of him is: Rex Reed is a stupid piece of shit.

Daniel Steiner “Why didn't we invite Henry Cavill? Look how dreamy he is.”

This Is The End is out on DVD, Blu-ray, and UltraViolet November 13

WATCH THIS! Deadfall ⊲ Olivia Wilde automatically adds a star to any movie she’s kind enough to grace with her angular presence. This one involves a rich tapestry of f—ked up people who all make a series of increasingly poor life decisions e.g. she and her onscreen bro, Eric Bana, commit a robbery that goes awry, then split up. This all comes to a head in Canadian blizzard conditions, but only after numerous murders and deceitful acts have been committed. Uplifting!

The Purge ⊲ Set a decade from now, The Purge is about a future America that is well and truly in the shitter. In fact, it is so entrenched in the shitter that there is an annual 12-hour stint known as “the purge”, whereby crime is legal. The reasoning behind it is that letting the citizenry give zero f—ks about the wellbeing and property of others offers a great release.

Maybe, but so do chocolate and masturbating. Increase the peace, we say.

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R A E D s DVD

ASYLUM SEEKERS

With Halloween just around the corner and American Horror Story: Asylum out now on Blu-ray and DVD, what better time to feature two beautiful women getting freaky in lingerie?

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How would you describe the theme of the shoot?

STEVIE: ‘Kinky Horror House’.

It was a lot of fun. I love getting into character. I fell into the mentally unstable dominatrix role for most of the shoot!

BRITTA: With the big hair and dark vampire eyes and all the fake blood, it was really easy to get into character and act super-crazy together.

It probably also helped that I’m a little nuts anyway.

What did you think of the location?

STEVIE: Amazing! Love the QT Hotel [in Sydney]! Where we shot [SpaQ] was slightly creepy yet extremely lavish.

BRITTA: I didn’t even know

a place like that existed in Sydney! I especially loved the room with the old barber chairs – such a classic horror look.

s DVD

How do you balance sexy and scary?

BRITTA: I think they’re definitely related. A sexy girl is great, but add in a little crazy and life gets a whole lot more exciting. Getting the right balance all depends on how much you can handle!

What’s your favourite thing about your co-model?

STEVIE: I adore Britta’s hourglass figure – so sexy.

BRITTA: Have you seen her?

She’s a stunner! How could I pick just one thing? If I had to, I would have to say it’s that she’s totally down-to-earth and easy to relate to and be yourself around. Makes those girl-on-girl poses a whole lot less awkward.

What scares you?

STEVIE: I’m basically fearless.

The only thing that really scares me is the thought of failing at anything I set out to achieve.

BRITTA: I’m a complete scaredy cat when it comes to horror movies involving ghosts or zombies. I’m the one sitting with my head behind a pillow, under a blanket, holding my hands over my ears. And even then I’m terrified. I wouldn’t be able to handle American Horror Story: Asylum.

Do you get dressed up for Halloween?

BRITTA: It doesn’t have to be Halloween for me to throw on a costume. My favourite outfits are a mix of innocence and total psycho, like an evil schoolgirl or nurse/axe murderer.

STEVIE: I love playing dressups and Halloween’s the perfect excuse. You can’t go past a vampire outfit.

Daniel Steiner American Horror Story: Asylum is out now on Blu-ray and DVD

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PHOTOS: WAYNE DANIELS; HAIR & MAKE-UP: ALI PAVLINOVICH; LOCATION: QT HOTEL, SYDNEY: QTSYDNEY.COM.AU; (02) 8262 0000

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STEVIE SHUMACK Hometown: Portland,NSW. Birthday: September 6, 1988.

You Might Know Her From: “I get recognised as the girl who kisses Ricki-Lee in her latest music video, Come and Get In Trouble With Me.”

BRITTA WARN Hometown: Sydney, NSW. Birthday: March 20, 1989.

You Might Know Her From: “I only started modelling about a year ago but I’m big on bikini comps, so if you’ve ever been to one in Sydney, you might’ve seen me!”

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Games

ROAD MOVIE

Need For Speed: Rivals

A quick scan of the Net will unearth the debut trailer for the NFS movie. Before you cringe – yeah, Tomb Raider sucked, and what’s with those Resident Evil films? At least they both star hot chicks – there is some serious money going into this one. Breaking Bad’s Aaron Paul is in the driver’s seat, alongside Dominic Cooper, Kid Cudi, and Michael Keaton, with a March 2014 release planned .

THE LEGENDARY RACER RETURNS WITH NEXT-GEN GUTS

Game: Need For Speed: Rivals.

Developer: Ghost Games.

Format: PS3/4, XBOX 360/One, PC. Out: November 21.

TIMELINE 1994 - The Need for Speed 1997 - Need for Speed II 1998 - NFS III: Hot Pursuit 1999 -NFS: High Stakes 2000 - NFS: Porsche Unleashed 2001 - Motor City Online 2002 - NFS: Hot Pursuit 2 2003 - NFS: Underground 2004 - NFS: Underground 2 2005 - NFS: Underground Rivals 2005 - NFS: Most Wanted 2006 - NFS: Carbon 2007 - NFS: ProStreet 2008 - NFS: Undercover 2009 - NFS: Shift 2009 - NFS: Nitro 2010 - NFS: World 2010 - NFS: Hot Pursuit 2011 - Shift 2: Unleashed 2011 - NFS: The Run 2012 - NFS: Most Wanted 2012 2013 - NFS: Rivals

A whole generation of gamers don’t know of a world without Need For Speed. Debuting way back in 1994, it has appeared in time for Christmas almost every year since, looking better, getting bigger, and never lacking for pace. For this year’s instalment, the promise of next-generation editions adds extra excitement and even more reasons to flip the cops the bird and see how far you can get before crashing in a pyrotechnic display of splintered glass and shredded steel. Or maybe you’re the cop…

THE ULTIMATE RIVALRY Fans of the Need For Speed series will know it has had many personalities over the years, but Rivals follows the template laid down by the popular Hot Pursuit lineage. It focuses on the heated chases between the bacon and the eggs: players take on the role of the Cops or the Robbers in the fictional openworld landscape of Redview County, chasing or escaping as required. Each side is gifted a range of gadgets and weapons to deter their opposition, including EMPs, roadblocks, helicopters, turbo, jammers, and shockwaves, which can be upgraded as you progress by collecting Speed Points. The cars feel awesome under your thumbs and fingers, while the focus on “the chase” is heart-pounding stuff and remains our favourite way of playing NFS. 60

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PASSENGERS ARE WELCOME That said, there is plenty more to do.

The extremely popular car customisation options from the Underground games return, allowing you to pimp your rides Xzibit-style.

This has added weight given the new All Drive system, which seamlessly blends single player and multiplayer gaming. You can actively team up with other humans to chase (or elude) opponents or sign up on rival sides. Otherwise, players will organically appear in your environment in response to the returning Autolog feature, which tracks your performances in sidequests and challenges – from race results to big jumps to speed traps – and challenges them to do better.

GETTING FROSTBITE Rivals is built on the amazing Frostbite game engine that brought us the destructible warzones of the Battlefield series. The crashes are sick and the engine allows for more immersive features, like dynamic weather and expansive horizons. The world is richly detailed: filled with obstacles and traffic ready to scupper your best driving.

This is mad fun, and whether you’re good or bad, EA ensures you win either way.

Batman: Arkham Origins “THE NIGHT IS DARKEST JUST BEFORE THE DAWN”

MULTI We weren’t able to test out the multiplayer mode prior to publication, but the planned modes suggest a fun way to pass the time after completing the story.

Game: Batman: Arkham Origins.

Developer: Warner Bros. Montreal.

Format: PC, PS3, 360, Wii U. Out: Oct 25.

In 2009, Batman: Arkham Asylum did the impossible: It didn’t suck.

Where other comic/ film superheroes barely got their undies over their tights, AA totally reinvented the brawler genre. This was a game with depth: a wildly fun combat system, gorgeous graphics, an exciting open-world to explore, and a stellar story.

Naturally, a sequel followed in 2011, and Batman: Arkham City turned everything up to 11. In true superhero narrative fashion, the third instalment of the franchise had to happen.

BABY BATMAN….

WELL, ALMOST It’s five years before Arkham Asylum and a younger Batman has a far narrower view of his world and blurrier moral boundaries.

Already a powerful fighter, his youthful “exuberance” has left him in no man’s land: Hated by criminals, feared by police, and even offside with Alfred, who sees him as a brat, not a bat. Crime lord Black Mask puts a bounty on his head so hefty that eight of the world’s best assassins turn up in pursuit of the paycheque. Worse still, stalwart fiends like The Joker and The Penguin have used the chaos to unleash their own plans. Batman must survive and find himself in the process.

AND NOT A CREATURE WAS STIRRING….

The game plays out on one Christmas Eve, as the Gotham underground explodes with activity. Gotham has never looked better, with snow falling on white streets and the bright lights of yule juxtaposed against the city’s grimy underbelly. The brilliant third-person gameplay remains, but some fun new ideas include the Remote Claw, which lets you tether an enemy to another enemy or object and watch them come together for hilarious takedowns. You can also call your Batwing to move about the city.

A CITY ON THE MOVE The Arkham series’s gameplay was already magic, and while the story heads back in time, the action is certainly an evolution.

Combat is heaps of fun, and the new tracking system that reveals your fighting efficiency and awards you XP to level up Bat’s abilities only heightens the addictive fun. A greater emphasis on Batman’s detective capabilities, with more in-depth crime scene investigation, as well as a stack of sidequests, add to the experience, too.

Oh yeah, did we mention the new multiplayer mode? Yep, this is one of the year’s better action games!

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Call of Duty Reinvents the Wheel

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WE GO HANDS-ON WITH CALL OF DUTY: GHOSTS’ EXCITING NEW MULTIPLAYER MODE AND GET A SNEAK PEAK AT THE MIND-BLOWING SINGLE PLAYER CAMPAIGN AND THE NEW ‘SQUADS’ EXPERIENCE

E D E GAM S

Game: Call of Duty: Ghosts.

Developer: Infinity Ward.

Format: PS4, PS3, XBO, 360, PC. Out: November 5.

It’s a time of change. New government. New consoles. Um… New Order? You get the gist (maybe), and for CoD, rolling out another Black Ops or Modern Warfare in the same month new consoles debut would have been weak. So Ghosts is an all-new take on the blockbuster franchise. We managed to get our frag-on with the Xbox One version and while we can assure fans that this is very much a Call of Duty experience, it’s certainly undergone some changes.

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“THE WHOLE WORLD IS F–KED UP” Their words, not ours; but they’re not wrong.

An early single player mission puts you onboard a US military satellite in space. It looks crazy good. Crisper than a frozen apple, space-walking between vessels while Earth lolls lazily on its axis below is the kind of scope the series is known for. It’s also known for epic setpieces and one quickly rears its dramatic head. An invading force attacks the station, takes over the nukes and launches them at the US, all while you fight for survival in zero-G and the shuttle explodes to bits around you. As well as being jaw-dropping, it’s this event that triggers the destruction of the US and sparks the main story that follows, 10 years later.

Players assume the role of a new hero in Ghosts and only follow a single squad of fighters (rather than jumping around the globe to multiple groups). It’s a tight-knit squad, too, including your brother and your trusty dog. You’re not an organised force this time, either. As part of the remnants of the US Special Forces, you’re now crippled by the attack and simply fighting to survive. It’s an interesting shake-up of the series’ template, and also much-needed.

MANHANDLING MULTIPLAYER We claimed a shit-tonne of scalps in our hands-on multiplayer session, and while the gameplay builds wonderfully from the new engine’s capabilities, it’s the fresh ways you can play that should excite fans. Here are some of the best things we noticed ●T here are 20 new Killstreaks and 30 new weapons to explore. ●Y ou can have 10 characters in your squad and you can customise each of them individually to fit desired roles. This includes customising their appearance.

Each of these characters can be prestiged independently, rather than prestiging one character 10 times. ●T here is a new weapon class called Marksman Rifle, which is halfway between the sniper rifle and the assault rifle. High damage, long-ish range, slowish fire rate. ●Y ou can now play as a chick – woo!

Some dudes will do anything for chili and donuts

here are a stack of new perks that are ●T much more useful in the moment-tomoment gameplay than in previous games.

Being able to reload while running is one particular gem. You have eight points available for perk selection, with each costing a different number of points based on their power. It’s a fantastic system, as you can pick and choose from an even bigger pool of options as per your style. ●A tie-in app called Clan Wars provides a metagame for Ghosts. Here, wars unfold between various clans over two weeks for control of territory. If your clan wins in the main console game, you can capture territory in the Clan Wars map. The more territory you capture, the more you will have to defend, and the more the other clans will gang up on you. At the end of two weeks, one clan will win the war. ●D ynamic environments allow players to change the shape of a map in-game, perhaps closing off flanking routes, tearing down cover, or setting off booby traps. ●W e played three new game modes; Search and Rescue is a spin on Search and Destroy, where a killed player can be respawned if a teammate collects their tag.

Blitz is a variant on Capture the Flag, where you need to get to the enemy base and enter a portal to snare a point. Cranked is a mode where you must kill someone every 30 seconds – or you explode! ●Y ou can take your Call of Duty profile with you. That means you can log in to it and improve your XP and characters while playing at, for example, a friend’s house.

WHAT IS SQUADS MODE?

WORDS: CHRIS STEAD

ALL NEW TECH As one would hope with the injection of a new generation of consoles, Ghosts brings to the table a new game engine, which not only produces an impressive leap in visual quality, but also the type of audio fidelity that makes your ears tingle in glee (and their drums tremble with fear). In particular, movement feels a lot more fluid and firing incredibly visceral – additions such as being able to lean around corners, push over walls with one hand while still firing with the other, and sliding to cover on your knees, keep things faster and more realistic. The new engine also allows for a lot more detail, and while we’ve only seen a handful of multiplayer maps and a few single player missions, the destruction inflicted upon the US is profound. We’ll pass on our final thoughts about the game next month, but for now, concerns about franchise fatigue can be checked at the door. Ghosts is spookily good.

Squads Mode is an intriguing bridge between the single and multiplayer games that utilises your ability to create and level-up 10 different soldiers in your own personal squad.

It does this by assigning an AI to your squadmates that is based on the way you play. You then hit the battlefield with five of your own squadmates to play against an AI force, comprised of the AI squadmates of your friends that are downloaded off the Net. The AI is very tough, so this lets you tinker with your loadouts to find the right fit, while earning XP that counts toward the main multiplayer experience. In Squads, you can also invite six friends in and play co-op against AI forces or engage in a one-on-one match with a human opponent, where the rest of the fighters are comprised of your respective squadmates.

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10 Games to Warm You Up The other big boppers of a busy spring

E D E GAM S Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag OCT 31 (PS3, 360, PC, WII U) Get your Jack Sparrow on as the famous timetravelling action adventure series heads to the Caribbean in a spectacularly colourful game largely set on the water. Fight sharks, hunt treasure, take down ships, and knife people in the neck as pirate/ assassin Edward Kenway.

Battlefield 4

The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker HD

NBA 2K14

Football Manager 2014

OCT 31 (PS3, 360, PC)

OUT NOW (WII U)

OUT NOW (PC, PS3, 360)

OCT 31 (PC, MAC, LIN, IOS)

The basketball sim so good its main rival, NBA Live, took its ball and went home.

Refinements to the silkencontrols and HD TV-like graphics are a given, but it’s the 5-on-5 online Crews battles and excellent soundtrack that make it pop.

The best Excel doc in existence.

Possibly because it is presented as a game.

Or maybe because this data-driven experience is based on real-life players and their abilities. But mostly it’s because your decisions can take a lowly Championship side to the Champions League.

Sixty-four players run, gun, fly, drive, sail, and more in an explosion orgy.

There are a multitude of gameplay and graphical improvements, plus a new, dedicated single-player story.

Yeah, it’s cutesy, but this is one of the best adventure games ever made! Its HD re-release not only looks gorgeous but plays even better than the 2003 GameCube original, largely thanks to the Gamepad’s touchscreen.

WWE 2K14

World of Warplanes

Lego Marvel Super Heroes

Sonic Lost World

Batman: Arkham Origins Blackgate

OCT 31 (PS3, 360)

NOV 13 (PC)

NOV 13 (PC, 360, PS3, VITA, 3DS, WII U)

OCT 19 (WII U, 3DS)

OCT 25 (3DS, VITA)

Developer Wargaming took the world by storm with its massive multiplayer phenomenon World of Tanks. Now it’s taking that military know-how to the skies, with two teams dogfighting for aerial superiority, using one of 60 planes (in three classes) built between the 1930s and 1950s.

Explore a Lego version of New York City as a LEGO superhero in yet another entry in the famed platformadventure series.

Over 150 Marvel characters appear, and while the harmless gameplay isn’t going to challenge you too much, it’s the one game your girl will play with you.

Poor old Sonic has had a rough run for… let’s be honest, a good decade… but Lost World marks a return to form. Using the fantastic Super Mario Galaxy series as inspiration, this provides spectacular 3D worlds to explore with plenty of variety in its presentation and platforming puzzles.

Set after its bigger console brother, this handheld spinoff follows the classic sidescrolling action template laid down

by Super Metroid decades ago to good effect. Its biggest success, however, is transferring across the addictive combat and gadgets of the console game in the process.

WORDS: CHRIS STEAD

WWE Smackdown vs.

RAW publisher THQ bit the bankruptcy bullet, so 2K Sports picked up the licence and went about rejigged the gameplay. Fluid movements, a host of new animations, and snappier counters make for fewer stalemates. The nostalgic 30 Years of WrestleMania mode offers hours of fun.

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R A E D

Tech

A = All About (What the hell is this thing?)

B = Bitchin' Because (Why the hell do I want it?)

C = Cunning Linguist (How the hell do I get it past the missus?)

Microsoft Surface 2 A: The blockbuster sequel to the unfairly maligned Surface tablet. The full-HD 1080p screen looks great, the battery life is up 25 per cent, it’s thinner and lighter than the base model, and it’s faster, with new ports and a better processor. There is a Surface 2 Pro option, too, that almost

doubles the price and the power.

B: A tablet that behaves like a PC, runs all your PC software, and features a USB port is damn handy. The new dual-angled kickstand, low-light camera, and backlit keyboard also give it more flexibility for use on a lap in a dark room. Shame said

keyboard isn’t included.

C: “I’m not all Surface, darl.” microsoftstore.com

Price Comparison Surface 2 (64GB): $639; Surface Pro (264GB) + Surface Pen: $1019.

Nikon 1 AW1 Underwater Camera A: Get snap-happy up to 20m underwater with the latest Nikon point-and-clicker, which comes with two equally water-, shock-, and life- (their words) proof lenses – a 10mm f/2.8 and an 11 – 27.5mm f/3.5-5.6. A built-in compass, altimeter, depth gauge, and location tracking device, as well as outdoor-specific display, underwater creative modes, and high-speed continuous shooting point to fun in the sun.

B: Summer will be here soon and what better way to endear yourself to the local waxheads at the nearest beach than by taking snapshots of their tanned girlfriends as they duck dive the shore break?

C: “You look so awesome in a bikini. You should be a model.” mynikonlife.com.au

Marantz Consolette A: Stream music online, from your personal network, a USB device, or through AirPlay in style with this blimp-y, thumping stezza. It can be controlled by an app (that will hopefully get a few updates before you read this) and offers a more comprehensive set of features than most AirPlay sound systems.

B: It’ll turn heads. It’s a bit bigger than you’d expect, too – dominating a standard shelf. But the design is great and the sound quality is crisp and wide (especially with minimalist tunes). All told, a worthy AirPlay system with some nice benefits.

C: “I’m going to stream Miley’s new album on full volume if that’s cool?” qualifi.com.au

Apple iPhone 5S A: Physically, this is near-identical to the iPhone 5 (save for a few new colours). The camera is better and there’s a sizeable boost to the processer, including a move to a 64-bit OS and a new motion-tracking chip. Sadly, there aren’t a stack of apps that use the extra juice yet.

B: There is no doubting the extra speed on offer and its futureproofing for high-end apps of the near future. The fingerprint-sensor is pretty nifty and the fresh iOS 7 update modernises the whole experience.

C: “How could we not buy the new Apple product?!” apple.com 66

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Don’t Be Confused Apple released an iPhone 5C at the same time, which looks cuter with its bright colours, but lacks the power upgrade.

LET’S GET

LOUD

A life without headphones would suck. Or just be filled with really obnoxious people playing songs loudly through their phones. Here are four pairs for four different occasions

FOR MORE INFORMATION: facebook.com/MonsterProductsAuNz or call Convoy on: (02) 9666 0700

STYLIN’ If you’re looking to stand out – and, let’s face it, in this ‘Look at me’ age, who isn’t? – then you need to pick yourself up a pair Monster’s DNA Neon (for dubstep days) or DNA White Tuxedo (for Miles Davis days) on-ears. Good looking, plus they’ve got all the usual Monster perks: durability, lightness, Advanced Noise Isolating, and MusicShare – allowing you to link up to five headphones together.

RRP: $229

GAMING

SPORT

EA SPORTS MVP Carbon headphones are comfy, so you can have epic gaming sessions – plus. They’re easily transportable, so you can take them to your mate’s place for epic gaming sessions – plus. But most importantly, they employ Monster’s HDHS (High Definition Headphone Surround) – powered by AstoundSound – which delivers the most realistic, high def headphone sound experience for gaming, music, and movies – big f—king plus, right there.

RRP: $329

It sucks when you’re giving it heaps in the gym or outdoors and your headphones just decide to either fall out or quit on you.

Not anymore, our fit friends! Monster’s on-ear, Bluetoothcapable iSport Freedom is the wireless, water resistant solution you’ve been waiting for.

It’s the world’s first high-tech, wireless headphone with the sweatproof iSport design. It’s good for running, jumping, cycling, and even skiing.

RRP: $329

INNER BEAUTY Got a fast-paced lifestyle? Rhetorical question, bro.

We know you’re probably reading this while sitting on the toilet and replying to urgent work emails with your spare hand. The Inspiration In-Ear ’phones from Monster look sexy, but don’t be deceived – they pack the same punch as legit travel/sport headphones.

RRP: $199

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HEALTH

FITNESS

Pro BMX racer Luke Madill, who told us, “I still compete but I’m transitioning more into the coaching side of things and developing the next generation”, seems like the ideal candidate to break down the body of a two-wheeled speedster

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Luke ’s so good he only needs to pedal with one leg

WORDS: DANIEL STEINER; PHOTOS: RED BULL CONTENT POOL

BMX

Ment ality

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A Field Guide to Gonzo Dr Matthew Thompson, intrepid author of Running With the Blood God, outlines what’s wrong with modern journalism and how to correct it in the most f—king badarse way possible Gonzo is an exacting and allencompassing discipline. It demands such a fullness of person and such dedication to self-mastery that gonzo writers are more akin to the philosophers of ancient Greece and Rome than to the risk-averse consumers of the contemporary West.

“True gonzo reporting,” writes the late Hunter S. Thompson, “Needs the talents of a master journalist, the eye of an artist/photographer and the heavy balls of an actor.” These are indeed virtues to cultivate when entering the fray as a practitioner of gonzo, and while on safari for a story I often find moments to reflect on how society at large could benefit from following the path of gonzo.

The neglected virtue of endurance, for example, came to mind while undercover in Iran, smearing from my mouth traces of the vomit that had erupted due to either the intense paranoia of the ongoing crackdown or all the opium that I’d eaten.

Up and at it.

There’s simply far too much emphasis these days on staying safe and grabbing at instant results when, much like the earning of a stupendous hangover, life’s finest accomplishments require effort and time.

Contemporary journalism is too often a dismal expression of our trivial, narcissistic age; wild, long, ball-tearing dispatches from hellholes and freak zones have been shunted for wall-to-wall wowserism, political blather, and lifestyle guides.

This must not go on.

Now is the time for a new generation of storytellers to revolt and plunge into the world with all its chaos and filth and vitality, to get messed up, to get dirty, to get hurt and happy, to come back and, if they can still scrape enough brain cells together, sit down and write some f—king great yarns about what happened – true yarns that stink of life and death. F—k 70

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novel writing, f—k writing about what you eat, f—k writing poetry, f—k writing about who you vote for, f—k writing about your holidays, f—k everything but finding out how much real life you can withstand.

When I teach at university, I tell students that if they approach writing wholeheartedly then there will be casualties. Nevertheless, it is better not to be one, and so the gonzo artist must prepare. As Hunter S. Thompson writes, “When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.”

Here are a few things I have learned:

Clockwise from left: 1) Rebels, paramilitary groups, and death squads operate throughout the Philippines.

This paramilitary man had spent a year in hospital after a clash with rebels and was fading away. 2) A comrade ready to lay down covering fire, as a lunch of fresh sardines and eggplant served on banana leaves is prepared. 3) Why the lure of communism won’t die: abject poverty on the streets of Manila coexists with widespread corruption in the ruling class.

How to deal with goons In many colourful locations, an absence of police or soldiers has led to a power vacuum filled by goons. In other places, the police and soldiers are the goons.

Either way, dealing successfully with thugs and brutes is an essential skill. My education in this came not on the dicey streets of Colombia – nor amidst Serbian skinheads – but as a sports reporter covering a Sydney rugby league team: the Canterbury-Bankstown Bulldogs. The newspaper I worked for had exposed the

Bulldogs’ salary-cap breaches, prompting the sport’s governing body to dock the team so many points that they fell from the top of the competition ladder to out of contention. The newspaper had bomb threats and a senior reporter had to move to a secure location. My job was to ask the fans – a steroidally boisterous bunch fond of beating up rivals and detonating small explosive devices in the stands – how they felt. Displeased was the crux of it, but they expressed this by monstering me: shoving and spitting and discussing the many things that could fit in my arsehole.

However, in a practice that has worked with goons worldwide, armed or not, I learned to approach the evilest bastard of the lot and be sincerely interested in what he has to say. The goon would puff up, flattered that his wisdom is in demand, relax a little, and hold court. That buys some time; the next task is to finagle another meeting. Don’t ask too much too soon or you might give the impression of being a spy or agent; in some places that can get you tortured and killed. Bad result.

I had to be careful about this in Colombia…

The value of getting wasted An evergreen for building rapport is getting trashed with people. While hanging out with West-hating Serb nationalists I had to consume rivers of beer and brandy to gain even a smidgen of their respect. In drugwar hotspot Colombia, some people would not trust me unless I partook of the national product with them. These situations are inherently hazardous (robbing, rape, arrest, overdose, goon mood-swings, being in the wrong place at the wrong time, etc) but, if played right, they can rapidly break through cultural and personal barriers.

You must, however, keep it together, so prepare yourself physically and mentally.

Get as fit as possible before the gonzo trip in order to handle more and recover faster, but also start boozing at a steady but somewhat unhealthy level in the days leading up to encounters, so that you won’t be out of your depth. Always eat before meetings. Finally, don’t overload your calendar or you will get sick. Often, it is better to hang with night people and sleep all day. That is what I did in Medellín, where a significant section of the population are basically vampires. Just remember to cut back when you’re back home. Or soon thereafter.

Main series of images: Taken just outside the northwestern Iranian village of Amin Abad, these images depict the ritual of head cutting, called Ghame Zani. Hundreds of Iranian men repeatedly slash their heads with swords, grieving for a Shiite saint martyred in Karbala, Iraq in 680AD. The blows are fierce yet not one man shows any pain. The ritual is illegal in Iran but the two police who try telling the crowd this are not game to press the point with a vast mob of swordsmen.

Bottom image: About 200 people per day are buried at Tehran’s main graveyard (after their corpses are scrubbed and enshrouded at high speed in washrooms, while relatives watch on wild with grief). It is uncomfortable and profound to witness.

The result of watching too much Big Brother

you are in a place where foreigners get snatched, you must not fall into routines of when you come and go from your hotel, where you walk, what you eat, or what you do. Keep mixing it up. Also, wedge your door when you sleep, cover any windows, move the bed out of view if you can, and change hotels regularly. When you are out and about, look for people who appear more than once. If you can’t be sure (because everybody is short with dark hair – or the converse) then study shoes and watches – items people don’t change

Don’t get kidnapped An Israeli expert who runs a security service based in Manila gave me a stack of pointers en route to Colombia, which – like the Philippines – can have a bit of a kidnapping problem. Basically, when

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Is it worth the risk?

If you head off to do dangerous stuff, there will always be people – even you – questioning whether it is worth the risk. Remember that it is always worth the risk because risk itself is invigorating, rewarding, ennobling and educational.

Unless it goes badly wrong, in which case it is all a bad mistake and you are a total f—kwit. I was certainly tipping to the “big mistake” side after I took a proud Serb nationalist on a drunken road trip across parts of Kosovo that the Albanian majority have ethnically cleansed of Serbs. He was stabbed and beaten right in front of me.

Now, how did I not see that coming?

And then there was the time in Colombia I grossly underestimated how nightmarishly, horrendously, mind-shreddingly strong the hallucinogenic potion a shaman handed me would be. Plus, I should have read beforehand about how yage (with Datura mixed in for good measure) can spike blood pressure to dangerous levels; then I might not have chosen to spend the night prior in a crackhouse. But sometimes you just have to roll with what’s happening. And like they say, it’s more dangerous crossing the street at home than it is smoking crack all night with deranged junkies in Colombia before quaffing herbal brews that can land you in a pysch ward or the morgue.

A nose for trouble “Happiness writes in white ink on a white page,” wrote the French playwright Henry de Montherlant. In other words, peace and harmony are dead f—king boring (although it’s worth noting that Henry ate cyanide and then shot himself, while Hunter S. Thompson used a gun but no cyanide).

Trouble is what gets the pulse up – in you

Clockwise from left: 1) An improvised mesmeric drone instrument of Noiseum, an anarchist band in the hipster Mecca of Portland, Oregon. Nike is based in Portland, and the company’s “Just do it” slogan infuses everything.

2) Noiseum’s El Mundo, who cut hair for beer money when he was stationed in Panama as a US Marine.

Now he wouldn’t be out of place in an Andy Warhol movie.

3) A Portland hipster takes a break from reading the thesaurus to check his fob watch.

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The patriarch of the Serb Orthodox Church speaks to nationalists – many liquored up – who have made the dangerous pilgrimage to the Field of Blackbirds in Kosovo for the anniversary of a 1389 bloodbath when Serb national identity was forged in battle against invading Ottoman Turk forces. The medieval Serbs were led by Prince Lazar, who was killed in battle and is now seen as a hero. To the left of the patriarch is Serbia’s current crown prince Alexander, who was told by the crowd to ‘F–k off’ because he lived abroad through communism, dictatorship, and war – only returning when it was easy.

and the reader. This means that, when on gonzo safari, at times you need to be doing stuff you shouldn’t be doing with people you shouldn’t be hanging around in places you should stay out of. Getting the heebiejeebies is a good sign; I remember having a solid case of them in Iran, when the bloke I was hanging with at night suggested we go for a drive. It wasn’t just that foreign journalists were banned and I could be arrested at any time during this very heavy period after the 2009 disputed election; it was more the fact that this fellow had an unpredictable air, and our night cruise climaxed with him doing a doughnut smack in front of the guard booth of Iran’s most dire political prison. The guards stood bolt upright in shock as our tyres screeched, and I would have screeched too if it weren’t for having eaten so much opium.

Idiocy or genius? Who knows, but it definitely smelt like trouble, and, for the gonzo artist, trouble is like napalm in the morning – it smells like victory.

Being called a bad person Wowsers and cowards resent the fact that gonzo writers throw themselves into the world – with all its torments and temptations, its narcotics and flying strippers (something I hadn’t seen until I visited a vegan strip club in Oregon with a depressed psychoanalyst), its drunken driving and creeps and saints and heroes and hooligans. These bitter little moralists cannot stand it when other people say yes to life and decline to share their dismal ninny-cage of an existence. Gonzo writers should treat them as they would any other annoying parasite: ignore them, have a few shots of spirits, and if symptoms persist, then get on the pills.

Suggested reading Hunter S. Thompson is well-known enough, so here is another humdinger: Among the Thugs, Bill Buford’s jaw-dropping account of his grotesquely f—ked up experiences with UK football hooligans at their barbaric peak. Buford joins the hooligans in the 1980s as they run riot in England and Europe; the mayhem is astounding: to think a man could suck out a cop’s eyeball! Be inspired: identify the most deranged and dangerous lunatics in your neck of the woods and join them. That’s how a nobody called Hunter S. Thompson made his name with Hell’s Angels.

Running With the Blood God: Down and Dirty With Freedom Fighters, Rebels and Misfits is out now through Pan McMillan. RRP: $32.99.

Matt is also the author of: My Colombian Death: A Journey Into the Heart of South America’s Most Dangerous Country

WORDS & PHOTOS: MATTHEW THOMPSON, RENAE CARLSON; PORTRAIT PHOTO: DANIEL BOUD

so often. In dicey areas, find a trustworthy local to help, but keep a phone so you can call someone else should things go south.

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IN STORES NOW

Captured with the Canon EOS 6D with the EF 24105mm f/4L IS USM lens

The Mo Down

November’s all about facial hair. Redken’s Artistic Director, Philip Barwick, from Muse salon in Melbourne, shares his tips on taking care of face fuzz Don’t overdo It Philip’s talking about the outline of your face fuzz here. “Think of that guy with over-shaped eyebrows? It looks tryhard and effeminate. Beards with overmanicured lines have the same vibe,” he says. “Facial hair is a celebration of masculinity. I don’t mean suddenly burping in public – more that a ’stache or beard is like your haircut, in that it can enhance your look or detract from your personal style.”

Don’t forget to wash it Wash it once a week with a light shampoo, especially if your beard or mo is dense or long. “The hair on your face needs the same attention as that on your head,” Philip says. “Cleanse and loosen away any dry skin flakes; just use the same products as you would for your hair. If you smoke, shampoo every day, rinse thoroughly, and always use conditioner.”

TRY: Redken For Men Clean Brew shampoo, $25.50; Redken For Men Cool Finish Conditioner, $25.50

Get the occasional professional trim Grooming at home is a must, says Philip, but see your hairstylist to keep things looking good. “They’ll keep your beard in great shape from fronton, as well as the side view.”

Keep with the trends There’s plenty to choose from, says Philip. “Right now we’re seeing beard inspirations ranging from a rugged, three-day growth (think: Daniel Craig's latest 007 or the Jason Stratham facial/cranial clipper cut) through to beards that are inspired

by European royals, cowboys, bushrangers, and Vikings.”

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HERE, HAVE SOME CARE ESSENTIALS 1. “Invest in clippers with guards, so you can blend from skin to graduated lengths,” advises Philip. Try Remington Pro Sports, $43.95.

2. “Keep a brush and comb that you use only for your beard.”

Try Brushworx Styler Nylon Teasing Brush, $5.95.

3. “Use a moustache wax or pomade like Redken For Men Polish Up $34.50, to keep the shape – and because all hair needs styling product.”

4. “Oil is great for encouraging condition and shine.” Try Argan Oil Spray Treatment by BaByliss Pro, $24.95.

Simply spritz a light amount on your beard or mo and work it thought with your fingers.

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The Canon EOS 6D is a lightweight EOS [Electro-Optical System] packing a 20.2 megapixel, full-frame CMOS sensor (better battery life, basically). The DiG!C 5+ image processor equates to crisp pics, while the 6D laughs in the face of low-light conditions.

Enthusiast photographers will dig features such as HDR [High-DynamicRange] mode and multiple exposures, while built-in Wi-Fi and GPS functions enhance the photography experience for everyone.

WORDS: SHONAGH WALKER; PHOTO: LUKE SHADDOCK

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e-Horny

Nikki is a qualified sexologist and relationship expert aiming to educate Australians about everything under the sheets. You can find her on The Morning Show , Sunrise , The Hot30countdown , or her website: www.drnikkig.com.au Facebook: Dr Nikki Goldstein Twitter: @Dr_NikkiG

Thanks to the Net and our trusty smartphones, we’re lazier than ever in the pursuit of love and sex. Dr Nikki helps you get ahead of the pack in the online hook-up game

Profile photos The following are not appropriate: ✖ Wedding photos or photos with a girlfriend or female friend. Even if you are no longer together, how are we supposed to know that and why, when we are casually chatting online, do we need to be introduced to the concept of your ex? Turn-off! ✖ Drunken party photos. Why would a girl want to see how many drinks you can fit in your hand, what stupid things you might be getting up to, or you posing next to your friend – who is vomiting into the toilet.

Massive turn-off! ✖ Photos with no image showing who you are. If you are trying to protect your real identity, get over it. These apps and sites are now the norm and everyone seems to be on them, so why be ashamed?

They are also largely based on looks (hello, Photoshop!), so by hiding yours you might only result in a confused woman giving you

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the flick because she can’t judge you.

(Yes, the harsh reality is that we judge, but there is also a lid for every pot).

Conversations Why not be the big, strong, brave man and send a message? Masculinity is not about muscles or facial hair – it’s about being confident enough to talk to a woman (whether online or in the flesh.

Did I just save you some money on gym memberships and protein shakes?).

Just because women are on these apps, it doesn’t mean they don’t still want to be pursued and chased – even if it is only a casual sexual encounter they are after. Women still want to feel desired, valued, and respected. Plus, it also turns them on. Put into a simple equation: Being desired + being valued + being respected = Clothes being removed.

Competition is at an all-time high You can nearly be certain that if you have met her via an app or website, she is talking to other guys and being pursued by them, too.

So, knowing that you are not the only one, what are you going to do about it? Can you come up with a clever way that makes you stick out from the crowd? Creativity is key.

Where do we go from here?

Think of it as extended foreplay. On an app or website, there is still that element of the unknown and fear of stranger danger. In order for the first encounter to go more smoothly and not just be a bucket of nerves, it’s good to get to know a bit more about her first. Chat to her a bit online but not so long that she might think you’re not Fact: If you look like this, interested it may be in meeting in easier to pick-up online person. Trade numbers so you can talk properly and go the Facebook route if you want.

Some wish to use Facey as a form of verification, while others feel it spoils the mystery and fantasy.

2HOU4RS SETH &EVAN The best buddies behind apoco-comedy This Is The End discuss a final day involving interspecies sex

So, how do you guys want to go?

EVAN: During sex.

SETH: With each other.

In the movie, “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)” plays in heaven. What song plays in hell?

SETH: Anything by Justin Bieber.

How would you rate your chances of surviving the apocalypse?

SETH: Low-to-none.

EVAN: Medium-to-none.

Will you be going to heaven or hell?

EVAN: The Jews don’t get to go.

I’m not sure if you can tell, but we’re both Jewish.

What book do you most regret not finishing?

EVAN: I finish my f—king books.

SETH: I finish my books, too.

EVAN: Are we being interviewed by two people who don’t finish their f—king books?

If you were reincarnated, who or what would you return as?

EVAN: Mongoose.

SETH: Unexpected answer. I like that.

EVAN: They live crazy lives.

SETH: Since we’ve been to Australia I’m gonna go with platypus. They’re poisonous yet hilarious.

What are people saying over your casket?

SETH: “I can’t believe they died f—king each other. A platypus f—king a mongoose.”

While on Earth, what did you blow the most money on?

EVAN: Comic books. Sad truth.

SETH: Magic cards.

Magic cards?

SETH: If you don’t know what that is, then you probably got laid in high school.

What’s the wildest thing you ever did while you were alive?

EVAN: We killed a homeless guy once. That was crazy!

SETH: But the statute of limitations has run out, so we can say that now.

If you could come back as a ghost, who would you haunt?

EVAN: Casper the friendly ghost, so we can be meta, like our movie.

Which woman did you always want to sleep with?

EVAN: Joan of Arc. A strong woman. She’d be a wild ride!

SETH: Very passionate. I think she would dominate.

EVAN: And Queen Elizabeth.

SETH: I thought you were gonna say Queen Latifah.

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GOLDBERG

What’s the most surprising thing we would find in your Internet history?

SETH: Queen Latifah.

EVAN: Queen Elizabeth.

SETH: I think you’d be surprised to find I’d made a few legitimate Internet searches that weren’t porn.

What’s the weirdest porn site you’ve been to?

EVAN: Queenlatifahporn.com.

SETH: Queenlatifah/fartmouth.gov.

I hope no one owns that.

In your life, how many interview questions were about weed?

SETH: Too many. Approximately four million.

What’s written on your tombstone?

SETH: He was murdered!

EVAN: Solve this mystery!

INTERVIEW: SANTI PINTADO & DANIEL STEINER; ILLUSTRATION: LUKE SHADDOCK

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1OO T H E D E F I N I T I V E L I S T O F A U S T R A L I A’ S M O S T B E A U T I F U L W O M E N S TA R R I N G J E N N I F E R H AW K I N S , S A M A R A W E AV I N G , M I R A N DA K E R R & M O R E

FOR THE PAST 364 DAYS, WE HERE AT MAXIM HAVE BEEN VIGOROUSLY RESEARCHING THE MULTITUDE OF TALENTED, GORGEOUS WOMEN OUR LUCKY COUNTRY HAS TO OFFER. THE RESULT? THIS DEFINITIVE LIST OF 100 FINE, HOMEGROWN FEMMES, INCLUDING AN ARRAY OF ACTORS, ATHLETES, TV STARS, ROCK STARS, NEWSREADERS, MODELS, PRESENTERS, POLITICIANS (YES, POLITICIANS), AND SO MANY MORE. THE NEXT 30 PAGES IS THE BY-PRODUCT OF THE EXTENSIVE (AND, AT TIMES, INTENSIVE) PROCESS THAT WENT INTO PRODUCING THE 2013 MAXIM AUSTRALIA HOT 100. SO, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, READ ON TO FIND OUT WHO’S HOT, HOW HOT, AND WHY WE FIND THEM SO HOT. AND, AS ALWAYS, PLEASE ENJOY RESPONSIBLY

100

FIONA SCOTT

In a quote in line with his hotness campaign platform [see #11], the nowPM named one of the now-MP for Lindsay’s assets as “sex appeal”.

98

97

JULIE BISHOP

That ‘Are You F—king Kidding Me?’ stare – usually reserved for people who try to practice palmistry on you in the street – gets us every time.

J A’ M I E KING

99

TA N YA PLIBERSEK

Labor’s Federal Member for Sydney never fails to crank the heat on Q&A. Just make her the Opposition Leader already! Bill Shorten won’t mind.

Is this wrong?

Probably. OK, definitely. But Chris Lilley is so convincing in the role, we think of it more as recognition of his fine work.

96

PRINCESS MARY

We shall be bowing with the utmost deference when she touches down in Sydney for the 40th anniversary of the Opera House this month.

95

ASHER KEDDIE

Remember all that social media furor about the season finale of Offspring? Us neither.

Congrats on the Gold Logie win, though, Asher!

94

GINA RINEHART

Money is power. Power is sexy. So you can imagine how flustered a $22 billion fortune (down $7bn on last year, but still) gets us.

93 KRISTIE McKEON

PHOTOS: BEN TIMONY (98); SHUTTERSTOCK (96); DANIAL GOWANS (93)

Big fight fan right here.

Not only is Kristie an Octagon Girl with UFC Australia but she’s also partnered off with fighter Ross “The Real Deal” Pearson. So make cheeky remarks at your own risk, fellas.

92

RHONDA AAMI

Are Rhonda and Ketut kaput?

That’s certainly how it appears in the latest AAMI ad. Makes sense all the boys want a piece, though, seeing as she’s hot – like a sunrise.

91 A L I S A A N D LY S A N D R A F R A S E R , WINNERS OF THE BLOCK Twins! Police officers! Can renovate in thongs! Disregard for OH&S guidelines! Twins! You get the gist.

89

K AT E WAT E R H O U S E

With the racing season well underway, expect to see a lot more of Kate. And yet more obscene memes about her brother.

88

JACKIE O

90

LISA WILKINSON

Dear Karl, we envy that you get to share a couch with this fine woman every day. Now, please mention this on Today. Come on, dude.

Along with Kyle, she recently celebrated 50 consecutive surveys as host of Sydney’s top FM brekkie show. And seeing as most people hate Kyle, Jackie must be the drawcard.

87

SANDRA S U L LY

Sandra’s surname means ‘to soil or stain’, which doesn’t seem fitting at all. We prefer ‘Sandra Prettyface’.

86 LAURA C S O RTA N

Of the Celebrity Splash! high-diving experience, our May cover star said, “You’re up there and you’re looking down and everything in your body is telling you not to jump – but you just do. It’s awesome.” So fearless.

So hot. So saturated.

MELANIE 85 M c L A U G H L I N

PHOTOS: SHUTTERSTOCK (89); WAYNE DANIELS (86)

Viewers of Fox Sports will be saddened to hear that Mel will be making the switch to Channel Ten next year.

Although, if you have a working remote, there’s really no reason to be upset.

84

KYLIE GILLIES

It sucks when you realise you used the “Happy as Larry” joke in Kylie’s 2012 Hot 100 list entry. Still, at least the inclusion (up eight spots from last year) of The Morning Show co-host means we get the opportunity to make a meta joke this time around.

83

CARRIE BICKMORE

She didn’t accidentally drop the C-bomb on The Project this year yet she ranks higher than her 2012 position (92), which means we still love her, cussing or not.

82

CHARLOTTE DAWSON

The ANTM judge is quitting telly next year, which is a blow for those who enjoy a smart and sassy lass on TV.

81

CHLOE BUTLER

“I’m riddled with bruises all the time.

These girls are no joke,” Chloe told us earlier in the year. A superstar in the Legends Football League, how can we not give props to a woman who could crush us with her quads while wearing her lingerie?

80 H I - 5 G I R L S Hey, we’re not afraid to admit we occasionally channel flip on the odd hungover morning. And the best cure is these energetic, quirky, bouncy babes, whose dedication to entertaining the children of Australia (and the world) deserves a high five!

79

MELANIE VALLEJO

Admittedly, Winners and Losers isn’t our fav show, but Formal Wars, which Mel presents and narrates with great colour and emotion – now that’s another story. #winningnotlosing

78

77

K AT E RITCHIE

ERIN MOLAN

Knows all about rugby league and clearly has a good sense of humour, as she holds her own on the perennially dopey NRL Footy Show.

A must on any HOT list. To ignore her is to commit an act of sacrilege.

76

THE FADERS Sydney DJ duo Milly Gattegno (right) and Suhana Lye (left) don’t play as much dubstep as we’d like but we still love them all the same.

74 D A N N I I MINOGUE How does one stand out in the company of Redfoo’s lens-less glasses and Ronan’s Irish charm? The X Factor judge seems to get better looking every year (and uses cleavage effectively) – that’s how.

75

ALLISON LANGDON

While nothing can fill the void of Peter Harvey’s ‘Mailbag’ segment, we do like having our current affairs delivered by someone of Allison’s calibre and range, who can switch from solemn to soufflé light with ease.

73

KYLIE MINOGUE

The iconic pop star is soon to become a judge of The Voice UK, which means she gets to sit beside fellow judge Sir Tom Jones.

“Sexbomb” – what a tune!

PHOTO: COPYRIGHT © 2012 DARENOTE LTD. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

69 DG RO L ND ISKTKE II N Our resident sexologist doesn’t care about our penchant for buttplay – that’s why we love her so.

72

68 TG II NR LD SE R They all deserve a right swipe, if you ask us. Especially the ones with provocative interests and epic sideboob photos.

N ATA L I E BASSINGTHWAIGHTE

71

TORAH BRIGHT

She’s aiming to become the first snowboarder to compete in three disciplines at the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics. We shall be watching on, and making lewd comments to our mates, as she attempts this great feat.

67 ALLIRA COHRS

70

ROZ K E L LY

If you take issue with this sexy Nine sports reporter not being higher on the list, please email us. Soz, Roz.

The model and UFC Australian correspondent presented a watertight argument in favour of squats in her May 2013 MAXIM interview: “I’m proud of my legs and my bum. I worked very hard in the gym to grow an arse.”

PHOTOS: SHUTTERSTOCK (71); DANIAL GOWANS (67)

As part of the dynamic MILF judging duo (Dannii Minogue being the other half) on The X Factor, Nat radiates nothing but heat on the panel.

66 65

AMELIA ADAMS

You can catch Amelia on the Nine Morning News and the Nine Afternoon News! That’s double the dose of tragic stories about rampant animal extinction!

IMOGEN ANTHONY

Not only can this magnificent Sydney model/actor/dancer rock a top hat better than Willy Wonka, the gorgeous 22-year-old also puts up with boyfriend, shock jock Kyle Sandilands, 24/7 (even if we think she’s crazier than the Mad Hatter for doing so).

64

SAMANTHA A R M Y TA G E

Mel Doyle’s a hard act to follow as a Sunrise anchor, but waking up to Sam is a top way to start the day.

63

LAURA J AY E S

In May, retired journo Geoffrey Barker took a dig at young female journos for being too hot and not serious enough. Sky News Political Reporter Laura seems pretty sharp to us.

62

LARA PITT

News of career-destroying injuries and doping allegations just seem to sound better when they’re coming out of this Fox Sports News presenter/reporter’s mouth.

61 SHERIDYN FISHER

With almost half a million followers on Instagram, it can’t be long before one of our favourite model/ actress/swimwear designer/fitness ambassador/animal lovers takes over the globe. Watch this space.

60

LAURA GEITZ

The captain of the Australian netball team (don’t pretend you don’t watch it on Sunday mornings) embodies two things we hold dear to our heart: sport and beautiful women. Really long fingers, too.

59

REBEL WILSON

So what if her sitcom Super Fun Night got as critically panned as a show about Nazi sympathisers who kick a different breed of puppy every episode? She’s industrious! And we respect a woman who isn’t afraid of hard work or self-deprecation.

57

BECKY LAMB

Does the partner of V8 Supercars driver Fabian Coulthard get road rage?

Damn right she does. She also told us in December that she excels at Mario Kart. What a woman.

56

N ATA R S H A 58 BELLING

In late-September, this ‘news’ story surfaced: ‘Laura Dundovic shows off an amazing bikini body’. Seriously, is that news? Have you not been paying attention for the past few years, media friends?

The co-host of Wake Up, Network Ten’s new brekkie show, reminds us a bit of Kochie – except we think she’s cool and funny and attractive.

PHOTOS: NEIL DIXON (61); IMAGE.NET (59); WAYNE DANIELS (57); JODY PACHNIUK (54)

LAURA DUNDOVIC

55

JESSICA MARAIS

To the person (or people) who decided to cancel Magic City, the drama series which revolved around Miami mobsters and Jessica Marais prancing around (sometimes lying down) naked, thanks heaps, dickhead/s.

53

MICHELLE BRIDGES

You make us want to be in better shape, Michelle. We would gladly run the treadmill on a stupid incline until we puked for you any day.

54

CASEY BURGESS

Former Hi-5 member, singer, songwriter, actress, parties hard at all MAXIM functions, looks elegant, has a really nice midriff, etc...

52

HERMIONE KITSON

This just in: we can’t believe we slotted the Ten Eyewitness News presenter in at 70 last year. Shame on us, Hermione. Shame on us.

51

BONDS GIRLS We’re talking the undies ads past, present, and future.

You will always have a place on this list, longlegged models whose names we don’t know.

49

RACHAEL FINCH

The former Miss Universe Australia and Dancing With the Stars contestant now brings new meaning to the words ‘Yummy’ and ‘Mummy’. Congrats, Rach.

48

K Y LY CLARKE

Let’s not even talk about the upcoming Ashes series. But let’s definitely talk about how Michael Clarke’s partner not only continues to be the benchmark for cricket WAGs around the world, she also holds the high distinction of being the only lady on this list whose first name has no vowels in it. Brilliant, Kyly.

47 W O N D E R L A N D G I R L S 50

SONIA KRUGER

The Big Brother and Mornings host’s sunny disposition gets our attention but an official endorsement from Chris Lilley [see p.26] cemented her place on the list. It’s time to go... us.

Could any show replace Offspring? Hey, that’s what Wonderland is for! Brooke Satchwell (middle) looks awesome in it, and she’s ably supported by the delicious Jessica Tovey (left) and delectable Anna Bamford.

Of course, we only watch it for the hard-hitting storylines.

46

IGGY AZALEA

Based in the US since she was 16, this rapper is a long way from her hometown of Mullumbimby, which is about as far north as you can get in NSW. She ain’t shy and she ain’t a pretender either, with a hot debut due in November.

43

ROCHELLE FOX

45

GRACIE GILBERT

As viewers of the previous 819 seasons of Underbelly would be well aware, one of the show’s requisites, no matter the time period, is the showing of boobies. This box was amply and enthusiastically ticked earlier this year – largely by Gracie.

44 R H I A N N O N FISH Reece Mastin has had two number one singles in his career. And you’re all like, “MAXIM, why do I care about that?” The obscure link we’re trying to establish is that he goes out with Rhiannon, who has appeared in both Neighbours and Home and Away, which should qualify her for Australian of the Year every year.

We just spent a good half-hour on her fashion blog, afoxthatmeows.tv, and that’s crazy because we aren’t really into women’s fashion! So we can only attribute this to Rochelle’s foxy allure.

40

W E AT H E R WOMEN

We are experiencing a golden age of meteorological talent in Australia right now.

Impeccably dressed and with shimmering hair, this trio is who we’d most like to have wave their fingers over our synoptic chart: (from left to right) Sarah Cumming, Rebecca Judd, and Magdalena Roze. And Tim Bailey. Love that guy.

42

ROSE BYRNE

For a good decade, Sydney-raised Rose has been making us (that would be the collective population of Australia) proud in Hollywood.

Best of all, she’s never appeared in a Michael Bay movie. And we mean that in the sense that hopefully she will appear in one someday.

39 GABRIELA CEVALLOS

If you’re in possession of a posterior people question the legitimacy of, you know you’re hot shit. In October, this former Fuel TV hottie laid the rampant speculation to rest, saying,“For the record, my butt is all-real.”

41

JAIMEE ROGERS

All together now: ‘Na na na na na na na na na. T–A–B–Sports–Bet!’

38

STEPHANIE RICE

37

What’s the Dancing With the Stars judge’s body part of choice? “My pinkies, which are very, very small but cute,” she revealed to us last year.

Whoa, Kym, enough with the dirty talk, dammit!

Three-time Olympic gold medallist. Five-time world record holder.

One-time Celebrity Apprentice winner and wearer of our sexy MAXIM jumpsuit. Do you have an eye for talent?

Yes, Mr Bouris, you do!

PHOTOS: SHUTTERSTOCK (42 & 33); NEIL DIXON (39); PHOTO & MAKE-UP: GLENN NUTLEY, HAIR: CHRISTOPHER ENLOW (37)

KYM JOHNSON

36 T H E C O N T E S T A N T S F R O M T H E B A C H E L O R There are the ones you’d happily take home to mother, the ones you’d begrudgingly have a conversation with, and then there are the stalkers, screwballs, and those who will self-immolate if they get snubbed at the rose ceremony. Osher Günsberg (anyone remember Andrew G?) knows what we’re talkin’ about!

35

JESSICA TURNER

Judging by the number of views, we’re not the only ones who’ve spent hours looking up Ten Eyewitness News’s roving reporter on YouTube. Highlights include: “Teenage firestarter”, “Back in the air”, and “It’s a wrap”. Do yourself a favour. Now!

34

MARGOT ROBBIE

The Neighbours alumnus has now graduated to big time actress, with a starring role in Martin Scorsese’s adaptation of The Wolf of Wall Street.

Props to any woman who can give her co-star Leonardo DiCaprio a boner, as his standards are stratospheric.

33

NICOLE TRUNFIO

If you think a Google Images search on this supermodel won’t make you feel lightheaded, we suggest you try ‘Nicole Trunfio Bikini’. Oh, and make sure you have a cold compress at the ready.

30

RENEE 32 BARGH

SAMANTHA JADE

Took out The X Factor in 2012 and continues to launch a sexy offensive on local pop music with her second album.

28 29 S H A R N I VINSON Our one-time cover star steals the show in this year’s shrewdest horror flick, You’re Next. And when you see what she can do with sharp objects, you’ll gain newfound admiration.

31

KAHILI BLUNDELL Impeccable credentials: swimwear model, personal trainer, UFC Australia Octagon Girl, cool name. It’s the résumé that just keeps on giving.

Miss Universe Australia 2013 is also a med student, thus placing her in the bracket of ‘Women We’ll Never Go Out With’. Sadly, that bracket would include most on this list.

26 27 J E S S I C A HART We look very forward to frequently refreshing your Instagram this summer, Jess. #sorrynotsorry

OLIVIA WELLS

E L LY S E PERRY

National cricket and soccer star Ellyse was recently ranked as the most marketable Australian athlete

by SportsPro magazine. We’d never heard of the mag until recently but we would buy poo-flavoured juice if she was selling it, so they’re right.

PHOTOS: NEIL DIXON (31); CHRIS FORTUNA (29); SHUTTERSTOCK (27); RED BULL CONTENT POOL (26); WAYNE DANIELS (25 & 24)

Still killing it over in LA as a ravishing host on entertainment program Extra.

25

RENEE SOMERFIELD

If there were a sauna located atop a volcano on an as-yetundiscovered planet that was dangerously close to the sun and a solar flare went off, then that might go some way to explaining the heat generated by model Renee’s Instagram page.

23

T U L LY SMYTH

Big Brother’s sulky lesbian-inresidence turned out not to be as lesbian-y as first thought after she got with a guy. Yo, Tully, call us?

22

JADE ALBANY PIETRANTONIO

You may know her as “the hot blonde with the nice boobs from Big Brother”. You, sir, would be correct.

24

ERIN MCNAUGHT

She wed in May, which should’ve sent us running for the Ben & Jerry’s, but we just like Erin so much, we must admit we’re very happy for her.

21

TA H A N L E W- FAT T

The third, and probably hottest, in our series of three Baben Big Brother Housemates In A Column. Good going, omniscient presence!

19 LARA BINGLE

Amazing what the Web can tell you.

We had no idea Lara co-owned an eatery named Growlers. There’s a joke somewhere there but we can’t seem to place it.

For some bizarre reason she was forced to defend her video for Come And Get In Trouble With Me because certain wowsers were upset about the nudity in it. Her “I don’t give a shit what you think” stance resonated with us. Go, Ricki! Go, Ricki!

17

ERIN PASH

The winner of the 2013 Australian Swimwear Model of the Year wears a two-piece better than anyone else in the land and has a surname that makes us want to pucker up. But who’s her girl crush? “The Victoria’s Secret models. Standard answer but, you know, they’re the best,” Erin says.

18

RUBY ROSE It’s been over two years since Ruby graced our cover.

Nude. Not too much has changed in that time – she has a new hairdo and she covered a Blondie song – but her DJing and modelling careers remain solid and she still makes us wish we were a girl she were interested in. Sigh.

16

J E S I N TA CAMPBELL

You know that old cliché about someone being able to make a garbage bag look good? Yeah, well, we’re invoking that right here.

Jesinta manages to make a Wonderbra look quite stunning as well.

PHOTOS: WAYNE DANIELS (19 & 17); CARLOTTA MOYE (18); SHUTTERSTOCK (14); SASHA EISENMAN (13); SNAPPER MEDIA (11)

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RICKI-LEE C O U LT E R

15

K E L LY CARTWRIGHT The dual-medallist at the London 2012 Paralympics [100m and long jump] and Cotton On ambassador has her eyes on the Rio 2016 prize right now. And we’ll have our eyes on her all the way.Truly inspirational, Kel.

13

SOPHIE MONK

Why do we love her? This tweet, from August 14, goes a good way to explaining it: “I wish I had an iPhone n google at school..I woulda put that up my skirt..instead of writing my friends wrong answers up my thunder thigh.”

Insightful and hilarious. Retweet!

12 R O B Y N L A W L E Y A curvy model? Stop the presses! We actually couldn’t care less about her dress size – Robyn’s an all-out babe in anyone’s book, plain and simple.

14

JESSICA MAUBOY

Prediction: Her latest single, “Pop A Bottle (Fill Me Up)”, will grab summer airwaves by the balls and squeeze them with a rock climber’s intensity.

11

TONY ABBOTT’S DAUGHTERS

Louise (right), Bridget (left), and Frances (rarely seen) had more exposure in 2013 than their Dad’s budgie smugglers.

Clearly the many public appearances with them proved to be an effective campaign decision for the new PM.

PHOTOS: RED BULL CONTENT POOL (10); WAYNE DANIELS (9)

10 Anyone who spends the majority of the year in a bikini has our full attention.

But when it’s your uniform and you work as a pro surfer, that’s just beyond cool. Sal is still in contention to take out the top trophy if she wins the final tour event in Portugal, so congrats!

Or, better luck in 2014. We’d already gone to print, so had to hedge our bets!

S A L LY FITZGIBBONS

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ELLIE G O N S A LV E S

When this sexy model, swimwear designer and Wildlife Warriors ambassador appeared on our cover in January, she offered a tremendous insight about her chest: “I’d say I get asked about my boobs 50 to 60 times per week. Girls love to touch and grab them, too.They aren’t shy.”

But don’t just take our word for how great Ellie is – 126,000 (and rising) Instagram followers can’t be wrong!

8

YVONNE STRAHOVSKI

PHOTOS: STEPHAN WÜRTH (8); WAYNE DANIELS (7)

Now, Dexter turned out to be a bit of a ‘meh’ show (no, it’s not up for discussion), but Yvonne brings the same sexy spark to it that she did with her starring role in the series Chuck. Except this time it’s a sociopathic kind of sexiness that involves regularly poisoning people.

7

LAURYN EAGLE Modest as she is (God knows we wouldn’t be if we were her), Kawasaki ambassador and MAXIM cover stunner, Lauryn, thought she might not be everyone’s cup of tea. Maybe those folks need a scalding hot cuppa tossed in their crotch.

If an athletic, confident, fun, ambitious young woman who likes motorbikes is not your thing, you need to wake up to yourself immediately.

PHOTOS: SASHA EISENMAN (6); WAYNE DANIELS (5)

It was a big year for the 2012 Hot 100’s No. 8. She may not have had as strong a presence on Korean reality TV as last year, but Jess did score one of the most esteemed modelling roles in the land – replacing Miranda Kerr as the face of David Jones. Sexy, classy bus stop advertising is in safe hands with Miss Gomes.

JESSICA GOMES

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HAVANA BROWN How do you court the attention of the DJ, pop powerhouse, and exotic beauty? “Just come up to me and be charming and endearing – not cocky, overly loud, or extravagantly boisterous.

I like guys who have a quiet confidence,” she said in her August cover interview.Too easy.

4

MIRANDA KERR

PHOTOS: ; GETTY IMAGES (4); MATT JONES (3)

Miranda, what happened to our first love? You not only disappeared from our daily commute after the David Jones reins were handed over to J-Gomes (a more than fine replacement, but still), and then came the news you were no longer a Victoria’s Secret Angel. We’re not sure how much more we can take but you’re still a top five in our eyes, lady.

3 D E LTA GOODREM

Never fails to raise both our eyebrows and provoke a thoughtful,“Hmm… we really would like to spend some quality alone time, in that giant swivel chair, with this woman” expression from us when she comes out all glowing and lissom on The Voice. We’ll always have a soft spot for Delta. Fine,“Lost Without You” is also our go-to track at karaoke.

There, we said it. Deal with it.

2

SAMARA WEAVING

PHOTO: BONDS

Let us compare Home and Away star and Bonds ambassador Samara to a Summer Bay. Sunny disposition, picturesque, um‌ HOT?!

Tried to get Shakespearean for a moment but that one totally got away from us.

There is the right choice and there is the easy choice.Your favourite superheroes – Batman, Iron Man, Jason Statham – know how to make, embrace, and live with the right choice. But sometimes they are one and the same. Naming the Australia’s Next Top Model host and face of Myer as the nation’s hottest woman is one such occasion.

An easy option? Yes. Predictable? Maybe.

The right decision? You better believe it. As Jen approaches 30 this year, she’s never been more scintillating. Congrats on a superb 2013 where you set Australia ablaze once more, Hawko.

JENNIFER HAWKINS

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PHOTO: HUGH HAMILTON

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1OO T H E D E F I N I T I V E L I S T O F A U S T R A L I A’ S M O S T B E A U T I F U L W O M E N S TA R R I N G J E N N I F E R H AW K I N S , S A M A R A W E AV I N G , M I R A N DA K E R R & M O R E